Original subtitles

You having a nice perv?

Huh? Oh.

No.

I hate watching attractive people have fun.

Michael was asking after you.

Who?

Michael. Nice house Michael.

Oh, old Michael!

Jesus, why?

I left his house crying with no knickers on.

Well, I mean.

What did he-- Hang on.

Ruari.

Ruari! Take your...

Mm, looks like Harry Potter, look at him.

Harry Potter and the Braless Mixologist.

So, you don't fancy giving him another go?

No. I mean, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested.

- He's too old. - Babe, please.

Fuck off.

I'm not done with the Patrick of it all anyway.

Here, your son made these.

- Good luck. - Thank you.

Listen, thanks for taking him on. He really needs this.

And, you know, not just for the money.

Hey, my pleasure.

I mean, I'm paying him fuck all anyway.

Hey, you mind those wandering hands, Ruari.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're a touchy-feely bunch.

Look, if it gets uncomfortable, then just tell her

hands off, okay?

- Jesus. Ugh! - Ooh, I like it.

I like to feel my drinks.

- Yeah, you drown your sorrows, girl, eh? - What?

- Steve! - What sorrows?

What, Patrick?

I had my fling then, too, remember.

I'm gonna go see him after this.

Don't make any plans around him, that's all I'm saying.

Right, I've got to go

and be a mother, which I don't know about you,

I'm actually much better at lightly pissed.

Right, I'll see you Monday. We need to catch up about Frankfurt

and how you're gonna get Malcolm back.

- What? - Yes, Alex.

- He propositioned me in a sauna. - He caught you

having sex with his moderator in a toilet, so.

I'm gonna MeToo you.

He is a creepy, middle back toucher.

Alex, I swear to God, if Grayson signs him before we do, I'm gonna slit my throat.

And yours.

When did it all stop being fun?

Oh, shit.

Oh, God.

- Alex! - Oh.

Hey! Evening!

Hi!

I was just in the area, actually. I thought I'd say hi.

How are you? What's going on?

Yeah, good, great.

- Hey! - Hi.

- Hi. It's Cara? - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. We met, but, you know, briefly, at...

- Frank's bar. - Frank's, yeah. Launch.

Oh, my God, yeah! Yeah, you were being a dick that night.

Cara's Irish for "friend."

- Don't know if you know that. - What do you mean Irish?

As in the Irish language.

Oh, right. So, like, English, but Irish.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like French, but Irish.

Like Greek, but, you know, Irish.

- So-- - So, what are you doing in Clerkenwell?

Where?

Oh, yeah, here.

You know, that new pizza place.

Oh! Is that good?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it is, it is. Do you like pizza?

- Yeah. - Yeah, if you like pizza, you'll love it.

It's really good.

Really good pizza, actually.

Great.

Okay, so I will...

I'll see you both, soon.

- Yeah. - I hope. Have great fun.

- Bye. - Yeah.

Oh, shit!

I'm just gonna get my...

Oi.

- Oi! - Hey.

- You alright? - Yeah...

- Did you wanna see me? - Yeah, no, I was-- no, no, no.

- No? - I was literally in the area.

- For? - For pizza.

- Pizza. - Yeah, so all good.

- Honestly. - Right, okay.

- See ya. - Okay.

How do you know her?

Oh, just an old friend. Yeah, she's great.

Shit!

Hello.

Hey! Sorry, that was my bum.

Oh, what did she want?

No, I didn't mean to-- No, that was it. It was a mistake.

I'm glad your bum called, though.

I've been thinking about you.

That's nice.

Yeah, Sam said.

- Do you have the... - Oh, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't ask, but they're...

they're good first-date knickers.

Oh yeah.

They're very comfortable, too.

How have you been? You look great.

Yeah, I'm good, I'm very good. My mother died.

Oh, I'm sorry.

God, she must have been...

Had a good innings. Not that it's ever--

Yeah, she'd been around the block a few times, alright.

But it's put some things into perspective, you know.

- You get one life. - Yeah.

I mean, you knew that before she died, presumably.

Yeah, but it hits you when you're staring death in the face.

- Yeah. - And her last words to me really stuck.

"I'll be dead tomorrow, and so will you."

- Jesus. - Yeah.

She meant live every day like it's your last.

- Did she? - Yeah, of course.

- You want another? - Oh, no.

- I don't have much time. - Oh, come on.

I mean, if I know your business, you've already done a 12-hour day.

Carpe what's left of the Diem.

Relax a bit before you head home to be all things to your son.

Fancy a Mojito?

Pretend you're on holiday.

Okay.

What?

As you're retaining semen and your body continues to produce semen

and starts to build an excess of semen, that semen has to go somewhere.

So, what the body does, is it starts to recirculate

all your best proteins, enzymes, and nutrients

- throughout your bloodstream which... - How was your shift?

- ...then repairs you at a biological... - That job will be good for you,

- I think, you know? - ...and therefore psychological level...

- Drown out the noise. - ...to balance out your hormones.

- Your cocktails were lethal, by the way. - Your testosterone's going.

They have more of a glow to them.

It's because you have all the--

What?

Alex, come here.

Oh, death stare. You alright?

Yeah. Dandy.

I've got a meeting with Marion Ottilie Chambers Bryce.

Is that two first names or three last names?

She's chair of the Women's Lit Awards.

I'm gonna try and get her to consider Charlotte

for a Lifetime Achievement, keep Livid happy.

My dad used to design her dad's book covers.

We found their office cocaine when we were teenagers,

in a box of whips under a chiffonier.

I don't know what that is.

It's a sideboard. Stop pretending not to be middle class.

Any joy getting hold of Malcolm?

No, he's on his dopey book tour.

- I keep getting his out of office. - Just stay on it.

Maybe suggest taking him to dinner.

You wanna watch him eat? Ugh.

Rachel Lash is here.

Shall I offer her a muffin from Waitrose? We've just got Waitrose muffins.

Just pop her in the meeting room.

Thanks.

Why is he still here?

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

The next intern fell through so we had to extend.

Ugh, Christ.

Who's Rachel Lash?

Oh, the psychologist. She's got a column in the Times, everyone's after her.

Okay, I'll pop by and say hello, shall I? Just shower a bit of gold dust.

Yeah, but if you don't know her, there's--

No, I do know her.

Okay.

You don't know her.

Rachel. Rachel Lash.

I can't remember when I was as excited by a book.

What got you into this whole area?

Actually, I was doing my column

on the decline in sperm count for middle-aged men.

Oh, skinny jeans, right? Partly to blame.

Maybe we get to ban them.

A lot of men reached out full of anxiety about their biological clocks

and this very new male situation of having it all.

Yeah. Yeah, what is that?

And so, I was seeing this guy.

We just broke up and he's with someone else now,

who's completely wrong for him, just to, I can only assume, have a baby.

- You know, he's like 47 and... - Rachel, such a pleasure.

...she's gotta be, like, 26 or something.

You know, and thick. Like, Middlemarch thick.

- I mean, what do they even talk about? - Alex?

Sorry. Rachel, this is Sam Laville. Sam, it's Rachel Lash.

I know. Big fan.

It's tough, isn't it?

I mean, men seem to want everything and they give so little.

I only have an hour.

Please don't use your work meetings

as therapy sessions. It's not fair.

- What? - You get to fuck up and just go home.

You didn't even know who she was an hour ago.

- I absolutely did know who she was! - No, you didn't.

And I don't know why you can't just let me meet a client without busting in on me.

You already lost us one bestseller.

- What?! - Yes!

Also, I don't just go home. I fucking wake up

- thinking about this job. - Yeah, but it's not your name

on the door, is it?

Why'd you tell Patrick about Lars?

- What? - Well, he thought that meant we were done,

and now he's back with fucking Cara, so.

I heard about Cara, and then I told him about Lars.

It was a "Fuck you, she's having a great time anyway."

And Patrick will never know what he wants.

He's a man-child. Save yourself.

Hey!

Do you like carbonara?

- Oh. - I'm joking.

Love anything cooked for me. Big fan.

Come in.

I mean, I love Sam.

She threw me a bone with the job, you know, she really did.

I owe her.

I mean, I fucked up the meeting, you know.

How'd you do that?

It's just, I was pre-occupied with...

Doesn't matter, but, like, you know, the thing is...

she doesn't trust me, not really.

And now, she's got a reason to not trust me.

And I've got great instincts.

But I don't know how to give her what she wants

and get what I want.

Like, how do I get what I want?

She doesn't give a fuck what I want, by the way.

Maybe you shouldn't be thinking you owe her.

That's the wrong dynamic. She needs you.

She'd never say it, but she does.

Just be honest with her.

Otherwise, you might find yourself

at your mother's deathbed questioning your life choices.

- You wanna try this? - Yeah. Mm.

Oh, wow.

You're talented.

Yeah, that's gorgeous.

- You're gorgeous. - Oh, God, no.

- I stink of garlic now. - Oh, there's no garlic in it.

Oh, really? Well, something.

What kind of herbs are you using there?

Is that thyme, or...

What is that?

Your mother's gonna hate me for saying this,

but my son dropped out of uni, and it was the best thing he ever did.

- Oh. - What's he do now?

- Ruari's going back to uni. - He set up

this investment business with a finance guy from NY.

I mean, he's very happy.

- What are you interested in? - Comedy.

- He's got a job at a bar. - I have a friend who's a stand-up.

He's depressed and broke.

But he does get a lot of pussy.

- Sorry. - It's important to...

keep all your options open.

- Yeah. - This is delicious, Michael.

Yeah, it's good.

Ruari's a good kid.

I mean, I know you're worried, but you're doing fine.

Aw. Well, it was great having you there.

Well...

I'm good at that kind of thing.

I mean, I'm good at lots of things.

But...

family, I'm really good at.

- Well, thank you. - You don't have to thank me.

My mother is dead, my children are raised.

I have time and I'd like to spend it with you.

Lean on me.

Oh.

Oh, is it okay-- sorry.

Is it-- Let me just--

Can we just take it a bit slower?

I know that sounds ridiculous 'cause you've seen

my vagina up close, but I just--

I think this could be good.

You know? Mature.

And I'm not just saying that because you're mature.

"Start slow to move fast," my mother used to say.

Yeah. I mean, that-- Yeah. Let's...

Oh, and don't worry about Sam.

You'll find a way to keep her happy and do your thing.

You're a woman, goddammit.

Can I leave a message for Rachel Lash, please?

- What's wrong? - Nothing. Nothing.

Yeah, just tell her Alex Shaw called.

I'm gonna send her an invite to a book event.

It's this afternoon.

Thank you.

Is there something wrong

- with your testicles? - No!

- No, Mum. No. - Sorry.

This is fun, isn't it?

Heading to our jobs together.

Have a great day at work, dear.

I love you.

Asshole.

Hey.

I'm surprised you're a fan.

Oh, well. I mean, let's just say I'm fascinated.

And, you know, I thought, Rachel Lash has just written about men who work

in female-dominated industries, so I thought, you know,

it might spark an idea for a column.

Oh, there he is.

But actually, I just wanted to say sorry

about our meeting last week.

You know, I was obsessing about another failed relationship

and the state of my far-from-ideal sixth decade.

- But... - "Maskiel climaxed lustily

"and with a long doleful cry.

"Goblin seed was gold...

"and soon the sheets were sparkling.

"Deanna lay back and almost bathed in it.

Morning came too soon."

Most romantasy writers use a pen name.

Malcolm is one of the brave few who's out.

And yet, I feel he'd make a wonderful Susan.

...or a Deanna in their lives.

She couldn't keep away. How wonderful to see you.

Great talk.

I noticed you slightly evaded the question about your follow-up book. How's it going?

It's going masterfully.

Second books are my specialty.

You know, I know how to take a small idea and turn it into many.

I don't do small ideas.

Of course. How long's the book tour?

I thought maybe we could get dinner or something when you're done.

What's in it for me?

Free steak?

Fawning compliments, tail between legs?

Make it lunch. Le Petit Veau.

Okay. Oh.

Oh.

- DM me. - I will.

She loves me now.

Michael, look. She's texted me twice.

- Oh. - Isn't that good?

- Frank, how's he getting on? - Oh, he's a natural.

The place is gonna be in great hands when we go to Ibiza.

You going to Ibiza? Love Ibiza.

Yeah, our 10th wedding anniversary, baby.

Oh, you wait till you see the villa that I've booked.

Oh, rock and roll.

Apparently, Billy Joel died there.

Billy Joel is still alive.

Someone definitely died there.

Ruari, Ruari, come on now. Thank you. Okay.

These will blow your heads off.

Thank you, honey.

- He likes you. - Yeah?

Yeah. I straight up asked him, and he said...

Wow.

Aw!

Just like in the movies.

Why don't you come to mine on Sunday, we can have a sauna,

get hot together.

Or...

you could come to mine?

- I'll cook for you. - Oh.

Return all the favors.

Oh, there's a bus!

- There's a bus! Let's go, let's catch it. - Really?

- Okay. - Front seat, get the front seat.

- Hey. - I just saw "lunch with Malcolm"

go in the diary.

- Yeah. - I got the horn.

And I signed Rachel. Nearly.

I was gonna tell you Monday, but then you decided

to work-call me on a Sunday.

Yeah, glad I did.

Enjoy lunch. You cooking?

Yeah, I've got Michael and the family coming over.

- Ooh, what are you making? - Well, barbecued prawns,

and then a ham and a white sauce.

A what sauce?

A white sauce. My mum used to make it.

Mm, sounds flavorful.

- Okay, well, that was it. - Wait.

- I want you to trust me more, Sam. - What?

I do trust you, you moron.

No, but, I mean, like, I want autonomy.

I wanna feel like you trust that I know what I'm doing.

I wanna be your partner.

Hello, did you hear me?

You are such a cheeky bitch.

- Why? - You lose us a big client--

Oh, I'm gonna get you Malcolm back.

Against all my vagina's instincts, I'm--

Manage to salvage a meeting that you fucked up in the first place,

and now you think you deserve to be partner

in a business I spent 30 years hard graft building?

The caucasity!

Well, junior partner?

Enjoy your white sauce.

- Oh, that goes... - Thank you, darling.

- Okay, ready to go? - Oh, is this the brake here?

- Lift it up? - Yeah, just lift it up with your foot.

Oh, okay, yeah. Got it.

Okay.

Hey! Hi.

Hi.

Do you always bring family on your dates?

I can't believe I didn't tell you. But, short answer, no.

Hey, everyone, this is...

this is Michael.

Michael, this is my sister, Delly.

- Hello, Michael. - Wally.

- Maggie. - Hello, Michael.

- Where's the baby? - Hello, Michael.

Sleeping. Do not approach the vehicle.

I feel like royalty wheeling around in this thing.

Show 'em your wave.

Okay, the pills, house key, spare glucometer for Mum,

extra dressing if her toe starts to seep.

And Dad's iPad's in here.

His glasses are in his coat pocket.

They are labeled "glasses."

- Make sure he brings them home. - Okay.

You sure you don't wanna stay?

I was sure, but now I don't know.

Call me a lift.

You alright there, honey?

- Easy going. - There you go.

- Are you in? - Yes, I'm in.

- Yes, I'm in. - Oh, could you fold it up?

'Cause I'm not sure if there's enough room.

Oh! Get the next one. Get the next one.

- Poor Michael. - He's fine.

Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

Hi, Dad. It's Ruari. Hope rehearsals are going well.

Could you just give me a call when you get this?

I've got this sort of weird pain in...

- Ruari! - Where's the big man? Ruari!

- It's really warm in here. - Yeah?

- No hands. - You're just showing off now, Wally.

And, yeah, I told her I wanted to be partner.

It just came out. You'd have been proud of me, though.

I was very, you know, cunty.

It's frozen, Michael.

- Oh, there we go. - You've broken it.

- I didn't do anything. - Huh.

Ah, you should try this later, yeah?

- I'm not getting up ever. - There you go.

It could really benefit your golf game, Maggie.

Never too old to try something new.

- That's bollocks. - Brilliant.

So, these bad boys are for you guys.

- Okay. - Halloumi's for me.

Want me to marinate it for you, Lockjaw Linda?

Oh, "Lockjaw Linda."

- Oh, my phone. - I'm in control.

- You alright? - Yeah. I guess, darling.

- Look, I can stand now. - Stop.

No, you're going to wreck your knees.

- That's what's going to happen. - No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

When did you acquire this particular fetish?

So mature.

He's lived. He's raised successful adults.

He marinates halloumi.

He helps me steer Ruari.

Yeah, and he lends you his bus pass.

I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna wake your baby.

- How's the sex? - The sex is...

Well, look, when you think about it,

I haven't had much sex the last five years anyway.

- Oh, Jesus, Alex. - What?

Listen, sex is dangerous.

Look where great sex with Patrick got me.

This is just fast-tracking the relationship,

you know, past the honeymoon period, straight into the sexless marriage.

Okay, well, we'll see you when you wake up.

Oh, go wash your hair. It smells.

- Can I talk to you? - Yeah, sure.

Cool.

So, it's like someone's got a vice grip on my balls.

- I mean, do you think I'm dying? - What?

No, look-- I've really gotta watch these prawns. They cook very--

You know, I feel, like, dizzy and full of anger.

Did your son ever have that?

I don't know, Ruari.

Maybe you should talk to a doctor.

I've been practicing the art of restraint recently,

and, like, semen retention, because that's--

Restraint? Wait, you mean,

- you're not masturbating? - No.

Ruari, I think you really need to talk to someone.

- Well, I am. - Not me.

Not now.

- But crack one off, is my advice. - Okay.

I mean, it's one of life's great pleasures.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Cool. Can I get your number?

- Yeah. - Be great to keep talking, though.

Dad's not around and Mum's fucking bonkers, so...

- Yeah. - What's your last name?

Actually, I'll just put you in as "Michael Mum."

Hey. What are you guys yakking about?

Just leaving, see ya.

I'm really worried about him.

Maybe you can find out what's up later?

- Yeah. - It's frozen again, Michael!

Oh, you're wanted.

Oh, hey, do you wanna come to Ibiza with me?

I've already been to Ibiza.

It doesn't matter if you've already been to Ibiza.

That's not how holidays work.

I don't wanna go because I think we should end things here.

What?

What-- why?

- Okay, forget Ibiza. - I don't know what this is.

I mean, honestly, what is it?

We're never alone. We don't even have sex.

Intimacy is sex, it's--

No, it's fucking not.

I told you I wanted to go slow.

Alex, darling, there's slow and there's dead slow,

and I'll be dead by the time we get around to it.

I need sensuality in my life.

I have a limited amount of time left,

and I don't want to be just someone who's relied on.

You told me to rely on you.

You literally said, "Lean on me."

I didn't mean this hard.

We want different things. I mean, I wanna be free--

- So do I! - Well, I'm sorry to break it to you,

but you're not.

Okay.

Fine, yeah. Go live your one life.

Okay? Oh, and by the way,

"I'll be dead tomorrow and so will you"

is a fucking weird thing to say to your son

- on your deathbed. - You need counseling.

What?

- Bridget. - Oh, man.

Sorry.

Bridget.

- Bridget. - Hi.

Can I just speak to you for a second? Bridget?

- Yeah? - You get my text?

Could you just tell Mia,

and tell everyone, that what happened, and tell 'em

- we were both into it-- - I want this to go away as much as you.

Please. I don't wanna be the pervert,

hands-down-the-pants guy.

I don't wanna be the hands-down-the-pants girl!

Look, let's just leave her alone. Come on, Bridget.

- Why are you involving yourself in this? - Don't speak to me.

I'll speak to you if I want! Why are you being a fucking bitch?

Why you calling girls bitches?

Why don't you go make some more drinks?

Oh my-- Hey, dude!

- Come on. - Fight!

- Ruari. Ruari. - Stop!

Shit, was that my fault?

What are you filming it for?

- Stop filming! - Get the fuck out of my face.

- Are you fucking kidding me? - You okay?

- Ruari, you alright? - Yeah.

It'll die down.

Okay? It'll pass.

Look, there was this guy at my uni,

and on his second night, he shat all over the corridor

when he was drunk.

And everyone was fucking mortified for him,

but he just cleaned it up and kept going to class.

And then after a while, everyone forgot about it.

Shit doesn't stick.

It dries, and then you can just brush it off.

I hate being a man.

Oh, Ruari, please don't say that.

You have to be strong, but not too strong, 'cause then you're an alpha.

And if you're an alpha, you're toxic.

And if you're toxic, just, girls fucking hate you.

But if we try and express our feelings,

we're weak and needy.

If you send flowers to a girl, we're just love-bombing her.

If we can't get it up, then we're broken.

It'll get easier.

Promise.

Do you want to come to Ibiza?

Why aren't you going with Michael?

Michael dumped me.

Oh. Shit. Really?

I can still call him though, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, course you can.

- Right. - Yeah.

I sent him five texts, he didn't reply to any of them.

- Five texts? - You think I should just call him?

- I would give him a call. - Yeah.

- FaceTime him. - Really?

Yeah.