Original subtitles

Lena, I've baked a cake.

If your dad doesn't call again, remember:

TURKISH FOR BEGINNERS we don't need him. I'm the breadwinner.

Now blow out the candles.

As a child I dreamed of a normal family.

Like on the margarine tubs.

It's burned!

Happy birthday, my little cucumber! - Thanks!

MY FIRST DEMO

But my mother hated all things normal.

What's that? - Put it on!

NUCLEAR POWER? NO THANKS!

Wonderful!

She did everything she could to make me

a political and permissive person.

NO NUDITY! Well, some parenting-experiments fail.

WHO AM I AND WHY ME? I was 19, had no sex life and was addicted

to St. John's wort capsules which is why I shunned the sunlight like a vampire.

Cucumber, can I come in or are you masturbating?

Why would I? It's the middle of the day.

That's the old woman speaking in you again. Frieder's here.

Life was knocking at my door and I wasn't prepared... for anything!

FRIEDER'S ESO SHOP DREAM INTERPRETATION

Frieder'd been around for three months.

I met him at a self-help group for suicidals that my mother sent me to

because I accidentally cut myself while cutting bread. - Right!

Aren't we going to see a film?

I thought, this'd be nicer for our anniversary.

What anniversary? Three months without any physical contact?

I'll take that.

I had a bad feeling. For days he's had this "Take it to the next level" look.

A solar eclipse is so romantic!

His hand touched my leg.

Sugar Pie... - And I imagined where it'd been!

Lena, I love you and I want to sleep with you.

Yep, this is probably where our ways part.

Did you drink that? - No. Mom's friends are here.

When will she ever find a man?

Great!

You promised me no more orgasm classes at home!

Leave, or get a mirror and join us.

I'm not squatting naked on a mirror!

Where's your passport? - Cucumber, what's the rush?

We're flying tomorrow morning. You haven't packed, Nils is hungry

and Frieder just confessed his love.

Analyzing

alien life-form.

Nils, take it off.

The atmosphere is contaminated. I can't breathe here.

As soon as your private health-insurance clears, we're sending you to therapy!

Stop! Mom, I don't want Aunt Diana living here, I want to come with you!

You have to go to school. Besides, Lena and me want to party!

I just want to read and decide what I want to study. That's all.

You're so boring! Frieder's calling!

He just doesn't get it!

You have to open up emotionally.

The mere fact you can't touch the meat

says so much about you. - It says I'm a vegetarian.

Meat, lust, the closeness, the touch... passion!

Get a live pig next time, so it can enjoy it, too.

Nils, come on, lay the table!

Crazy! Even with a mother who's a therapist you get nothing

but reproaches.

The worst part was, she was right.

I never got involved with anyone.

I'd never fallen in love. I was just too strong, too independent.

Too intellectual to indulge in mundane things like love.

OK, maybe I was a little uptight.

Everything's bright and shiny! The gun goes... I'm not a good man.

Cem's the man who bursts hoes with his dick. Run, motherfucker, run!

You're out of this world, man!

Be honest! - What?

Think I'd lie?

But... maybe you could do this gesture.

You know, like 50 Cent!

Like that? - Yeah, that's killer!

Awesome, Cem, honestly, you rock that song. The labels will kiss your ass!

Turn that music off, it's the middle of the night! - Hey...

Cleo, you go home. Cem has to pack.

You're going away?

Tomorrow's my birthday!

I don't have a present anyway.

I knew it.

I asked you not to see her anymore. - She's in my band.

What band? She got you into a fight and makes you believe you can be a rapper.

I only beat up Hitler! - It was carnival!

How often do I have to tell you?

Her mother's a masseuse and she never wears a bra. - Who? Her or her mother?

I don't know her mother, but Baba says she does immoral things.

The date never falls far from the tree.

How would you know? - I checked her out.

Dude, stop checking out all the people I hang with!

Ours is a dangerous life.

You're with the police, not MI6!

And you're from a decent neighborhood, not the slums! - Chill, man.

Don't give me a hard time just 'cause you've got no one to fuck.

I've got no one to...

I've got no one to...

Only last week I had a nice online date.

You kissed her on the forehead and wondered why she never called again!

24 hours, Cem,

without breaking anything, beating anyone up or getting arrested.

When will you learn to take responsibility and become a man?

What are you looking at? - Sorry. - Sorry, Lord and Master!

Sorry, Lord and Master. - Carry my suitcase.

Asshole.

Hi, Diana! I'm here in the women's prison.

Your son will grow up to be a loner.

Not only my son. - But Lena doesn't live in a rocket.

The keys...

and your to-do list.

Most mornings he has maths, doesn't matter if he misses that.

Excuse me? Can he bring friends home? - If he finds any, by all means.

Can we leave? God, Mom, you're not taking the penis bag?

Why not, it's cool! Real seventies style.

I'm pregnant!

God, what a slow asshole!

Not too fast, I'm putting on make-up. - He's driving me nuts!

Oh, Diana, I'll look like Nina Hagen!

It's red!

Look at that woman! You think she's insane?

What is the Albanian staring at?

The speed limit's 20 here.

Thanks for the info. Square!

She's insulted an official!

Is she wearing a headscarf?

Drive, before she detonates! - I used to go to church, too.

When it was the only way to get booze.

Guys, the circle, quick!

Giant kiss!

That's it. Now come on!

And bring me a hot foreign guy!

Which gate? - Fifteen.

Can I ask you something? Do you have anything calming? - Fear of flying?

No, I don't want to think about the CO2. - Sorry.

I'm in 13A. - I'm in 1D.

Why? You checked us in online.

Yes, as far away from you as possible!

Bad luck!

I have to pass. - Sorry. Regulars only today.

Excuse me...

Hello.

Hey, I know you. - Don't hey me!

You're the bitch who gave me the finger!

Right! I'd forgotten your stupid face.

Call me bitch again and I'll give you a deportation stamp between the legs!

What did you say, you flamingo? - OK. I can't stay here.

Mom, any free seats at your end? - Sure!

I've ordered champagne. There's onboard shopping. Can you lend me some money?

Great. Ten seconds on the plane and already I'm the laughing stock.

Why aren't you with your potato mom? - We don't talk. We're very, very quiet.

Yagmur, give me my DS.

Or did you pick up a "Playboy" earlier? - Just the "InStyle".

Hand it over. As long as there's tits in it.

Take my jackknife. - What do you need it for?

In case the niggers rob us. - We're flying to Thailand.

They're Asians. - Fine, in case the Chinks rob us then.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard.

My name is Myrte Hermsdorf...

I'll be your stewardess on this flight from Berlin to Bangkok...

Up to here is my space, okay? Up to this line, got it?

In 12 hours I'll be rid of him!

Ladies and... gentlemen!

The pilot has just switched on the "fasten seatbelts" sign

because we are crossing an area with turbulences.

There's no reason for alarm.

Shit.

This airplane was designed to withstand much stronger forces.

Sorry.

Did you grab my ass? - I want to fasten my seatbelt.

Good God!

Don't panic... - It's volcanic ash, I saw it on TV!

Miss Stewardess, is that volcanic ash? - Everything will be alright.

What is that?

What was that?

The engine's on fire!

This is ARD with the late news.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

It was supposed to be a holiday flight.

Last night a Chanta Air machine

was forced to ditch into the Indian Ocean.

Experts call it the Andaman miracle.

Four youths are reported missing, a girl from Berlin,

and three migrants with German passports.

All other passengers were salvaged from the lifeboats unharmed.

They'd been floating around in the ocean

until dawn. They'll be placed in hotels on the Andamans until their return home.

It went so fast.

The engine caught fire, then the oxygen masks came down, the stewardess yelled:

"Brace, brace!"I thought, "OMG, I've taken sleeping pills with vodka,

am I tripping?" There was water everywhere...

My daughter's still out there!

ANDAMAN SEA, INDIAN OCEAN

Shit, am I hurt?

No, it's only tomato juice.

Is he dead or what?

Are you dumb?

I can't hear any sirens.

Give them time.

Yagmur, you alright?

Let's get out. - No, we have to stay in here for insurance reasons.

Is there an asphalted road or an emergency phone out there?

Not exactly.

Oh, God! Hell on earth for my skin type.

Cem, don't go too far off!

I'm fine. Nothing happened. - That's my hand!

Are you having a stroke?

Excuse... me, I meant to say. I...

You've got a stammer?

Where do you think we are? - Seems tropical. It's hot.

No! And I thought it was Scandinavia! Yagmur, stay in the boat!

I'm Lena, by the way.

And you? - Cem. Call me The Chief!

My n-name is...

Drop it. That was the last word I spoke to you anyway.

Okay, where are the lifeboats...

...the helicopters?

Costa! - Allah, a Greek?

Cool! Where're you from, dude? - B-Berlin-Steglitz...

41. - Do you know Cleo?

N-no.

Rashna, Serba? Zeynep?

There's no one back there. There's absolutely no one around.

Shit. Be strong, Lena. Seems like you're the only one capable of abstract thinking.

We'll split up.

Group A looks for food, group B makes a bonfire. I'd better lead... both groups.

We'll need a f�hrer.

A leader...

Costa, let's check the hood. - Excuse me,

I was just making a plan here, Ken.

Cem! And for billions of years the plan has always been: the women stay here.

Hello?

Stop!

We have to check if the water's clean.

Totally refreshing!

What?

You've got something there...

Was that the last one?

Don't know. Take off your panties.

She's really very s-sexy.

My cherry undies. Why did I have

to wear my cherry undies TODAY?

Turn around! She's not dressed!

We've f-found something.

God, let it be a dictionary or a brain!

A hut, kinda.

Hello?

Uhm. Ever heard of the law? - Does it say crybaby on your passport?

Shit!

It's an isl... - Island. Fuck.

I finally crash on an island and not one hot chick around!

Screw you, too.

Long time no clean-up.

"Andaman Human Association".

They've been researching something here. But you can't see what.

Chill! Probably some monkeys or single-celled organisms.

Why? Have you been here long?

Here's an old stereo!

That's a radio transmitter!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

One, one, zero. One, one, two!

It's open!

Are you Ms. Schneider? - Why?

�zt�rk, police detective. - Oh, God, is she dead? Do I have to identify her?

I just couldn't! - I'm not with the local police...

I know you. You were in the car. - You're the square!

They've found our children. - Really? Where are they?

Cem, Yagmur, is anyone hurt?

No, we're on some island. - Cucumber?

Mom, I'm stuck here with a bunch of lunatics!

The reception is very bad.

Is there anyone who can help you?

There's not even a hotel!

We're trying to locate you. There's a tracking device in the lifeboat.

But they can't find the signal.

But how long do we... Baba?

I can't hear her!

Baba?

Crank harder! - Yes!

Well done!

Who would've thought it could get even worse?

Alone.

Stranded.

A few hours without Facebook or Twitcher won't kill them.

Excuse me...

These islands are all harmless, right?

Yes. - All wild animals wiped out? - Yes.

Nothing can happen to them?

Didn't get a word!

That's wonderful then.

It's all hunky-dory.

The kids have an adventure and we're rid of the leeches for a few hours.

Let's work on our complexion!

Hi, Doris, I'm using your Christmas present... for my will!

Nils gets my books.

I'll take my Alice Schwarzer autograph to the grave. The outlook is bleak:

lonely island, one antisocial macho,

one stammerer, IQ not measurable, and the girl...

I've found a vase!

Totally nuts.

No idea how long we'll survive...

What was that? - Yagmur, stay inside!

Cem!

There was dynamite in one of the cases. - But it's an ecosystem! - I know.

And I'm the boss!

Now, wait!

There!

Throw them across.

Maybe it was the last of his kind.

Stop yakking and chill, will you? - Yes, s-stop yakking and ch-chill.

Could anyone give me a hand? - Coming!

Go make a fire and think of a recipe. - Because I'm the woman, I suppose?

Fast learner.

A suitcase! Please let a gun be in it.

Cem's a little crazy.

It's not so easy for him in Germany. But he's not as stupid as he seems.

Does he have a high-school diploma? - No... not yet.

We're negotiating with the school to let him repeat the grade.

He doesn't look all that young. How many tries is that now? - Three.

Got any pictures, too?

That's at a Lady Gaga concert. Super awesome concert!

Here we're having highlights done. Don't we look like twins?

Sometimes people don't even know who's the mother and who's the daughter.

Yeah! You can't see any age difference!

Yes. Thank you.

I hope there's fruit and water.

Kids die from drugs or being drunk on the highway, not out in the wild.

Death comes sooner than we think.

So, what are you talking about? - My wife.

I'm sorry. I've lost my husband, too. - An accident?

Unfortunately just a divorce.

First of all: no more sexist remarks.

I want respect if I'm going to handle our survival. Secondly...

You have to respect ME. I'm the leader!

I suggest a democratic...

Pack of racists!

Good night. - Good night!

G-good night.

Night!

Door's broken!

Do you really want to sleep out there? - I just love the countryside!

Being close to... tarantulas

...snakes

and all the other

unjustly feared,

wonderful creatures...

Someone's beating a drum!

My choice:

die outside or sleep on a saggy bed with two morons and a fascist.

Hope I'm still a virgin in the morning.

In the right drum's the bad water.

If you have to do a number two, bury it or it'll attract wild animals.

When Cem gets back we're off. - Cem decided to follow the drums.

I regretted telling him about it.

I already had blisters and it made me sick that he took all the decisions.

Cem, Cem, Cem, always Cem!

Who does the jerk think he is?

I didn't want to look.

But I was drawn to it.

To what is evil

and wrong. To the single-celled organism...

Sorry!

Have you been watching me?

Yeah, right!

No, we wanted to get going, and I was worried that something

might've happened to you, and that I'd maybe have to, you know,

intervene.

You're such a freak! - Fine. Now that you're done, we can go.

I don't want to go there. - Quiet! People with drums have boats.

What if they're... d-dangerous? - Stop crying! There are no more natives!

They've all been slaughtered or missio-whatsit. - Missionized.

The dictionary better shut up before it gets recycled!

Is that dinosaur poo? - It's a natural shield against UV light and insects.

It looks retarded. - Oh, damn,

what will those young, handsome millionaires think we've crashed with?

The time had come. I'd lost control.

I was following a bunch of migrants into an undeveloped jungle.

They'll be having fun. And as long as there are no drugs involved, it's okay.

How nice. Even you have limits. - Oh, absolutely!

Drugs, only in my presence.

Thank God! I thought there's only pensioners here.

He's in his mid twenties! - So what? Those ten years!

Isn't it cute? - The Hannah Montana bikini was in the wash?

Would you be so kind?

What, me? You?

Sure!

Ivan's gone.

Want to check out the jazz bar tonight? It looks cozy. - Ajazz bar?

That's for old folk! - Well, grown-ups.

I wanted to go on the disco boat. Some kids talked about it. - A disco boat?

Yeah, really cut up the floor. Why don't you come with me?

I don't know. - Don't be such a bore, Mr...

whatsit. - �zt�rk!

�zt�rk!

Further down, please. I pulled a muscle during my Tantra exercises.

Wait for me!

Over there.

Dope!

Man, is that Troy? - And he passed the naturalization test?

Shit, cannibals. - Cem, a primitive village and bright body painting

don't prove...

Okay, they're cannibals!

Let's turn around slowly and go back very quietly, okay?

Yagmur!

Calm down!

Run! - I'm gonna tell Baba!

Move, move!

You have to protect us, tell us what to do!

If they can't track us, we'll have to do it "Lost" style.

Take it up the m-mountain?

They might get the signal from up there.

Expedition starts tomorrow.

What do you know? The first loanword.

That chick's got the hots for me. I saw it in her eyes.

I bet I could bang her. - You're into that little hag?

Bullshit. I just want to show her who's Tarzan and who's Jane, you know?

I just want to break her in a little. She has such a loud trap, it makes me...

Hot? - Yeah, a little. I haven't jerked off in 48 hours!

Last time was during the flight, I think.

I did it, yesterday.

When, dude? In the bed? - Went outside for a minute.

I'm a Muslim, man, I need my body lotion.

Take this, a r-real little fuck shell!

Must be a new record. I hope I won't have permanent damage.

I know what you mean.

With those two c-cuties around!

Dude, did you just say my sister's hot? - No!

She's r-really ugly, man! - What?

Uninteresting, I mean, t-to me.

So, wanna bet? - Don't w-want to. - You have to.

Why? - Because I'm bored otherwise!

But all I have is a Snickers bar. - Deal. You get a tenner if I lose.

She won't let you near her. You're not her type, intellectually.

Yeah, she's not very bright, but I often screw below my intellectual level.

Hey, you smell!

You, too. - Yes, but I'm a man. You're sweating up your 20 underpants!

You'll attract animals, move away!

Got a girlfriend?

Nothing steady.

Why?

Can't a girl ask?

And you? Boyfriend?

Don't be fresh. I'm a Muslim! Cem,

come over here for a second! - What?

Cem, I'm naked and Costa's peeping!

What? I only...

Hit harder!

I told you to keep your hands off her, you retard!

I'm not a retard,

you son of a bitch!

Leave my mother out of this! - Cem, you're killing him!

Cem, don't walk away from this unresolved conflict.

I'm counting to three!

Shit, Yagmur, why?

I just wanted to see if you're stronger than him.

But you're not!

Let me guess: In Berlin-Kreuzberg that's a scratch.

I got a real fright. You were totally aggressive.

I don't want her to become like those other girls.

I want her to stay special.

I don't want any guy to jump her and...

Hurt her?

I think she wanted to provoke him.

You don't wear those undies without a reason.

Talking of which... weren't you wearing these yesterday?

Hey!

I always have spares in my carry-on bag. Last time the luggage went missing...

Why do you wear these passion killers? - Because...

at the bottom they don't... I'm not discussing what I wear

with you! - Do you have issues?

What? No! Why?

I mean, you look great and stuff. Wear something normal,

like a thong or garter belts...

Was that a compliment?

Okay, you don't have monster tits... - Awesome! Obviously,

you were paying me a compliment, realized you were opening up to me

and that scared you! - Scared?

I'm not scared of anything! - Showing off isn't cool.

I'm just trying to protect you, okay? - Protect us?

How can I best put this? What was the word again? Right:

independence! - Okay, butch, you carry the device

up the mountain. - Alright.

Easy.

Where was the mountain again?

Do something! Help me!

What's that? - A trap. - No, behind you, a man!

Go away! Tell him to go away!

Piss off, you retard.

What's he saying? - What do I know? It's Latin.

That's not Latin, you moron! - How would you know? - I know Latin.

He's threatening me. Shall I hit him? I can beat him. - No...

we have to show him we're civilized, in your case pretend to be civilized.

But how? He's completely backward. They eat people! - Give him something,

marbles, or something.

Get on your knees and offer it to him submissively.

Yes.

Look, he's smiling!

Alright, asshole? Had your daily coconuts yet?

In your ear!

Hey, motherfucker!

Oh my God!

My God!

Dude, are you crazy? They're poisoned arrows!

You fucker!

You think you can kill me with your retarded toy?

Fucking dagoes!

I can do it myself! - You can't, girl. - Don't call me girl.

Okay, Cucumber, you can't do it by yourself. - Piss off.

You say that hanging from a tree? - Oh yeah, big drama.

Get lost, I'll manage.

Bye!

Is he really going?

Shit. Now how am I going to get down?

You alright?

Totally fine!

If I get the chance to rise above myself...

He just left me hanging there. Never even turned around!

I can't take it anymore, it's all just too much!

Cem,

you can't do that! We're a team

and we won't leave any of us behind! - Shout at me again and I'll smack you!

Great, pick a fight with us all,

that's gonna get us ahead!

Yeah, that's g-gonna get us ahead!

Hello.

So?

Cool music, eh? - What?

Cool music, I said!

Yeah! Really great.

Would you like a drink?

Why not!

Yeah?

Diana, seems you went to bed.

I wanted to have a chat.

What happened to your under-age pickup? - Getting a drink.

There are men of your own age here. - What do I want with them?

Talk. - What about?

Pension schemes? Dentures? - You're being nasty.

I thought we'd have a nice evening. Instead you leave with a bum who...

Yes? - How much did he want?

That's ridiculous!

You can't fool me. Drug abuse, suspected theft, four counts of prostitution...

I never prostituted myself! And as for the stolen lipstick...

I'm talking about the surf teacher!

I don't believe that.

I made a few calls.

Fascist! - I was worried.

You just left although we...

were there together. - I told you you could come along. I never said...

Metin, did you think we...

...were on a date? Yes! - But you're

way too old for me. - I'm two years younger than you!

How would you know how old I am? - 44.

I will not be insulted!

You've had enough of that stuff!

What do you want from me? - Get to know you, but you're so busy

pretending to be someone else that I can't get the chance.

What's so bad about being a mother? What's so terrible

about not being a teenager anymore? I'm so glad, Ms. Schneider,

and I thank Allah, that I...

...that I'm a man who can support a woman instead of letting her pay me.

And I won't get any pocket money either?

And about the photographs...

You can easily tell who's the mother and who's the daughter. Easily!

Hey, Greek!

About earlier... - Yeah?

Didn't mean it that way.

Cem �zt�rk's developing a conscience!

Other primates needed millennia for that!

Yeah. That's okay.

You okay?

I don't usually cry easily. - That's okay, all girls cry.

Are you hungry? - A little.

Thank you. - Thank you, Lord and Master. - What?

Say, thank you, Lord and Master.

Are you crazy?

He was still an asshole. But the worst part was, I found it exciting enough

to dream about him the following night.

Terrorist Ensslin? - Yes?

Terrorist Baader is here.

Andreas!

Gudrun.

Cem had infiltrated my subconscious.

Now what I had to do was: suppress, suppress, supp... Oh!

He's all alone out there.

Up already?

Had a bad dream. - Me too.

What about? - Girl stuff. You?

None of your fucking business.

Just tell me when you want to be left alone, dickhead.

She was shot, you pain in the neck! - What? Who? Here?

My mother.

We'd gone to the lake. A van came up.

It was the mob gang my dad had arrested a member of.

No idea how he managed that.

And then they just blew her away.

I heard the shots, ran to the lake...

...and there was blood everywhere.

Blood was spurting out everywhere!

Anyway, then she was dead.

My dad went crazy. We all got a new name and a new passport.

Hear "Kadir Clan" and he'd go crazy again,

we'd be off to a new witness protection program. - You were in witness protection?

My real name

is Mustafa, so something good came of it after all.

Ever since we've been here I keep dreaming about her. - It's good

to dream. It means you're working on your trauma.

I don't have a trauma!

You did that on purpose!

You already have a tan.

Shit, is that our backpack?

Yes. - The tracking device!

Go get it! - Me? You left it by the water!

But you didn't watch it!

Go on!

I've stepped on something!

Just swim, will you?

Hurry, the backpack's almost gone! - Shut up...

Hurry up, girl!

Move it, faster!

Shark!

What? Where? Don't fuck with me!

Behind you!

Shark, shark, come here!

Come here!

Did you just kill it?

That's okay, let's not

make a big deal out of it. - Easy. It's really small!

Is it dangerous at all?

It's a shark. A monster of the deep! - How cute, a baby shark!

Can't you simply say thank you? - Thank you...

for stabbing first and thinking later, as if we didn't have a responsibility

toward a creature that was turned into a monster by the media and Hollywood?

You're such an eco-witch!

I only asked if it was dangerous and you go crazy!

How would I know if it's dangerous or not? Am I a doctor of marine biology?

I can't see you as a doctor of anything.

So what?

Cockroaches aren't doctors, either, but they survive anything. Like me!

When my father turns up in 20 years,

I'll be sitting here waving, and behind me...

your graves!

There's a slight aggression potential here.

I like you being so mean to Cem.

He's an idiot, don't take all his crap. Ouch, my foot!

He really meant to save you. - He was marking his territory,

but the whole island stinks of piss by now.

No, he can't swim, yet he still went after you. - Meaning?

Our mother was murdered before Cem's eyes. - I know. By the lake.

He tried to pull her out of the water, and she held on to his hand,

but he was too small.

Then her hand cramped up and she pulled him under.

When they pulled him out

he was already

blue!

He's been scared of water ever since.

I wanted to... - Leave me alone!

Dude!

Do I look awful?

No...

P-perfectly normal.

Do you know "The Hills Have Eyes"?

Has it happened before? - Sure,

every holiday! Of course not!

I stepped on something poisonous!

I've r-read somewhere

what'll happen next.

First she'll l-lose consciousness and then her h-heart will stop.

Let's amputate the leg before the poison spreads.

What's there to spread? She looks like a Russian weightlifter on cortisone!

She needs a whatsit...

An antiallergenic.

Give me all your valuables. - What for? - I'm going to see the crazy people.

The c-cannibals? - Otherwise

her head will explode!

It's too dangerous.

I've saved her ass so many times now...

It wasn't all for nothing.

What about us?

You wait here.

Some of us have to survive to tell the kids out there of our adventures.

You alright? - Yeah, yeah. One more bump

won't matter.

I'm going to be sick...

FORENSICS

My name is Doris, I'm 44 and I'm going to have an old sherry.

Will you join me?

I'd love to see you again, Ms. Schneider.

Me too, Mr. �zt�rk. Well, we're staying at the same hotel.

Good night. - It's still light.

Right.

A reflex after my numerous dates.

Cem,

before I die I'd like to apologize.

Shut up. You won't die. - It was very brave of you

to fight the baby shark. I just have a problem

with being in need of help. The classic distribution of roles

is a red rag to me.

I'd rather die

than admit I can't cope on my own.

You'll all get out of this alive, I swear! This time I won't mess it up.

Cem, I'm still alive and I have you to thank for it. You're so different

from what I expected. You're responsible,

brave and sexy...

Are you diggin' on me? - Nope.

Good, 'cause right now your eyes are bigger than your tits.

God, Bongo!

Hang out the laundry! - In a minute.

I didn't study for nine years to clean up after you!

And your penis belts are all over the place again!

We need help! She stepped on something. But you're dead!

Excuse me, I'm not that old! - You again!

Why? Who are they? - They wanted to give me the iPod.

You speak German? - Of course! I'm from Darmstadt!

But we saw you being killed by that nigger! - What? No...

My husband was piercing my earlobes and I always make a fuss. What happened?

I see.

A sea urchin.

Poor girl.

Don't hold it against Bongo.

Sometimes tourists stray here,

and his father and him like to

scare them away, so they don't leave their mess in our paradise,

crap everywhere and leave condoms lying around...

There, you'll be able to breathe again in a minute.

Christiane F. must've used that syringe, too!

This won't hurt. It'll only take a sec.

There.

So you're not cannibals at all? - Tongo, yes, but I converted him.

To be honest, they hardly ever ate human flesh.

In the old days, more often,

and of course the old and weak.

But otherwise they're a peaceful people.

I only wanted to study them for a few months.

But then I met Tongo. Little Bear!

Uschi!

Hungry!

Not pig again!

Tourists!

Little Bear, this cutie-pie and his girlfriend are marooned.

She's laid low in the hut and they're both starving.

You eat,

then leave!

He needs time to become chatty. There!

Rub her face with this it'll take down the swelling.

Sorry, but you look so funny.

Ms. Uschi? Do you have a radio? We should call our parents.

Sorry, no, we don't have a radio. - No radio...

What about the phone?

Dial a zero first.

Lena, we've got a phone!

On your forehead? - Yes!

A pensioner's kiss!

Did you want more?

Stop it, it's not funny. I'm dating a Turkish policeman.

A nightmare for my image.

If I tell the girls from the orgasm course, I'm finished.

Admit it, you're in love!

I didn't expect this!

These Mediterranean guys are famous for hot passion

and samba, or whatever Turks dance.

Hang on, my mussels! It's so cheap here. I'm totally addicted to room service.

Mr. �zt�rk!

Metin.

I'm wearing my algae mask! - I don't give a shit.

I love algae!

Oh, I'm so glad!

It's the kids. They found a phone and live with a woman who married a native.

Are they well?

Of course. Shall I... You probably want to...

We'll be there tomorrow. - Tomorrow?

Yeah. And it was just getting...

I mean, there'll be plenty of food.

Here on Buri Buri everything's different.

First of all

we strip off our clothes.

Then, at some point, our fa�ades. And finally

you become the person

that you really are.

It looks really good. - It is good, and so healthy!

Makes a change from fatty pig meat!

Costa's been hungry all day. - Yes, try it, Costa. - Go on!

Not only was it a bad day for the monkey, Costa liked more than he expected...

Awesome!

...It was also the day I realized

that we'd all changed.

The island had changed us all. No one would've admitted it, but I knew

that none of us regretted the plane crash.

Well, except the airline.

W-what's that?

Peace pipe.

Hey, want to go back?

I want to show you something.

Right. This was it.

The only question was, was I ready?

Hey, white girl, we smoke the stronger stuff out here.

Even better.

Doesn't it make you sad? Handicapped people like you hardly ever find a girl.

I want to try d-dolphin therapy.

I don't think animals have any other purpose than being eaten.

I'm sure

something will h-help me.

Maybe a miracle will take place, right before you die...

and you'll think, "Just when I'm able to speak I get cancer."

Don't be so mean!

Is there anything...

you'd want to do before you die?

No.

Check out this beach!

I always hated sunsets, but now... - Thank God. Me too. Right.

Maybe you could get me in the mood first?

What mood? Just stand there and shut up.

I always imagined it to be a little more interactive.

And also more... lying down?

Might be fun standing up, but you don't start that way, do you?

This feels like my examination! What the hell are you talking about?

I thought you wanted to "show me something"!

If I wanna fuck, I'll say so. Now be quiet.

You're the first German girl who may enjoy this.

Shut the fuck up, retard!

Only my balls are bigger than my pride.

I drive a Jet Ski in the Persian Gulf.

I fuck bitches like Jessica Alba.

You fuck bitches as ugly as sin.

Shades: Gucci. Suit: Armani.

Watch: Breitling. Dick: Ferrari.

I make hoes as hot as wasabi.

I fuck 'em and go. A gangsta never sleeps.

Bitch, search my pants! For Cem's monster

even the ozone hole is too tight.

Ask Aguilera who's the greatest,

the hoe wouldn't get off my kebab skewer.

I'm chilling with hoes by my pool.

Nothing you can do.

Cem's gonna fuck all hoes to death.

You bastard, your mother is a homo!

So?

Was it a parody of some kind? - It was a top 10 hit. - If not top 5.

How d'you mean? - Ironically.

You wanted my opinion.

Not any more. - Too late. - I don't give a shit.

You'd better! That stuff will make zero point zero euros!

You've no idea what rap is. It expresses me, it's my life!

Really? I didn't know you chill with hoes by the pool or that your di...

your genital was too big for the ozone hole, which is...

total nonsense because the ozone hole is really... Anyway,

obviously your "brothers in the hood" don't have the balls to tell you

to finish school instead of wasting your time smoking pot and playing games

hoping you'll be the next 50 Cent! - What are you dissing me for?

You think you're smarterer than me?

"Smarter than me", Cem. Read something besides the soccer results.

Okay, so I'm stupid.

I'm the stupid dago you can't really have a decent conversation with.

But do you know what makes me sick? I would've been good enough to fuck!

I didn't know what'd upset my stomach more: my bad conscience or Uschi's weed.

He tried to read it.

Hey! Sleeping out here?

No, in a hotel in Dumbass Town.

Get a double room. Then you can read to me.

Never seen it.

You underlined "gown" and "tassel".

Yagmur already explained them to me. - What?

Yagmur already explained them to me.

Did you read it for me?

To impress me?

No. - Cem, if you...

are trying to become a better person, then maybe I'll manage it, too.

You're right, I can't let go.

Maybe I do have some issues.

You don't have to.

What's wrong?

I think the peace pipe's working.

More than I thought.

Dude, how many puffs did you take?

Stay in the shallow end, girl!

I told you not to call me girl!

Because it makes me

all horny. - Are you crazy?

Who's uptight now?

You're such a good kisser!

That's my nose.

Sorry. I'm slightly disoriented...

Are you sure?

One of you three has to sleep with me!

But only if you really like me.

Are we having sex yet?

How was it? Did it hurt? - Cem...

Piss off.

I'll get dressed.

In five minutes by the waterfall?

Where were you all night?

I was home at around 12:30. Costa partied a little longer.

As you can see. - Hello! - What's that?

That's Susi! I saved her from breakfast.

Susi, Cem. Susi, Yagmur.

So that was it. My first time.

How could I tell my children about it when I couldn't remember anything?

Was it good? He didn't say a word.

Cem and Lena had sex. - So?

Was it n-nice?

Yes, Cem, was it nice? - Double-shut-up!

Maybe they didn't do it at all. There's no blood on the mattress.

I'll bust your face! I screwed her, man, I screwed her good!

So did Cemi win the bet? Yes, he did!

A bet?

Dumbass!

So,

how was the party?

Fine, and now I've got

a t-teensy bit of a p-problem. Yagmur,

can you help me?

I can't g-get it off.

Where did you get such a stupid idea?

I was h-high.

I'm s-sorry.

The shell meant nothing to me.

What, no stammer? A, B, D, E... One kebab with hot sauce, no onions.

Fuck, did you hear that?

Dude, I can talk! I'm flipping out!

You are my...

m-m-miracle, Yagmur.

You mustn't say fuck.

If this is over, Yagmur... - Yes?

Would you...

I can't marry you, Costa, my family would never allow it!

...go and see a movie with me?

Kids!

Cem! Yagmur! - Dad!

We're here!

You know...

so much has happened between us,

and I almost believed we had something going...

until I found out

it was a fuck bet!

How do you know? - What was it about?

What did you bet for? - A Snickers bar. - A Snickers bar?

You alright?

Nothing's alright, you stupid jerk!

Lena, no shit...

It was just... - Cucumber!

Oh, Mom!

You alright?

Yes.

You came just in time

before anyone got hurt.

By the way, Meti... Mr. �zt�rk and I thought we'd all have dinner together.

First you pick us up a day later because it suits you, then you fuck the Albanian

and now you ask me to have dinner with that asshole?

You don't even know Metin! - I'm talking about Cem.

I see. I'd really appreciate it, if Cem and you could talk things out,

whatever it is that happened. - I can safely say "nothing at all"!

And I'd like to add the following question:

"Why would it matter to you?"

Because I want to see Metin again.

Go ahead. What's it to me? I can be out those two times.

I'm talking about more often.

More often, like in three or four times? - More often, like in...

maybe he's the right one!

Are you drunk? - Yes, with happiness, Cucumber.

I could make a new start and live with him.

In the morning I'll make breakfast, in the evening I'll dust my wall plates,

I'll do the laundry and hang it out...

Mom, you can't fall in love in four days, that's just not possible!

Tonight we'll have dinner together.

And with Buddha's help we'll become one family.

Finished your shower? - What's that? - Nothing.

No!

Is this for Costa?

A different Costa. - Don't lie to me.

What's all this? It's like soft porn! - Why can you fall in love and not me?

Are you rebelling?

Want to end up in the wardrobe again? - Don't act cool, you like her!

You kept making your mirror face. And did push-ups before she woke up

so you'd look good.

Shut up. - You shut up!

Is your ego on steroids? - If you were a real man,

you'd tell her you like her

and apologize!

Okay. Then write me one of those, too, a letter.

"My beloved Lena..."

Come on, that's too gay for me.

I'll talk to her myself. Pick me out some clothes.

Sink away deeper and deeper into a state of relaxation...

Yes, that's good...

You're alive!

Frieder, what are you doing here? - What am I...

I was worried. I heard your name on the news.

Frieder, I... - I'm insecure, I know. That's why I'm here.

No matter when, no matter where, I'll always be there for you.

No ocean can keep us apart. - Okay, you're scaring me.

Relax your neck...

It's probably my new antidepressant, it's giving me a buzz.

What?

About the

fuck bet, I...

Talking isn't really my thing... - No?

I hadn't noticed. Now's inconvenient.

I was in the middle of a sentence. - I was in the middle of making out.

My boyfriend's here.

I'm your boyfriend?

Frieder, you idiot!

He's excited cos he's gonna screw me.

About us on the island...

That was the usual holiday affair.

So, ciao.

Were you serious? - Sure.

You're playing with my feelings! - That's the way it is at our age.

I had to prevent it. I would not live a life together with Cem �zt�rk.

I only had four hours until dinner,

over which one of these demented lunatics was sure to pop the question.

Off to the next witness protection program!

Police!

"We've found you! Kadir."

Cem! Yagmur!

So? Calmed down? - You could say that.

You look pretty.

Metin will be here shortly. He should've been here ages ago.

And him being a policeman. - I hope nothing's happened.

Yagmur, stay inside!

Are we having sex yet?

Where's the sex!

Cem �zt�rk never had sex with me. He'd only...

covered me up and watched me all night long.

And I ruined it.

Remember that we talked about

how all mothers freak out sometimes, but you've found your inner center

and would never use traditional punishments?

Speak.

Which punishments did I mention?

House arrest? TV ban?

No allowance?

Okay, because it's important to me to keep my promises...

so our mutual trust won't suffer.

Now come on, we need a taxi!

I'm proud of you.

Because I told you the truth? - No, because you finally took drugs!

Your new passports. Memorize the names.

Marianne?

Magnus?

Amundsen. - What crap name is that?

It's not even Turkish! - They're looking for Turkish names.

You're two years younger now, Ce... Magnus.

The Norwegians have great schools. Would be nice if you finally got your diploma.

I don't want to be called Magnus. - Put on your glasses.

I don't want to go to Oslo! - Oslo's beautiful.

Marianne!

We're on.

Damn, they recognized us!

Doris, I'm sorry, but we have to leave the country.

I wanted to spare you the goodbyes, the drama, but this is about your safety.

I trashed your room and I sprayed the threat on the wall.

I freaked out. I'm sorry.

I'm a bad person.

Misunder...

...standing.

No hard feelings?

I told you how awful she is.

That was irresponsible and stupid...

Hey! Never knew you wore glasses.

I finally see you perfectly.

Frieder's not my boyfriend.

He's an idiot. Well, so are you...

but you're the idiot I've fallen in love with.

What?

It's just that "in love" stuff.

I know you didn't sleep with me.

I wanted you to be sober.

So you can remember how crappy a first time is.

Not if it's the right person. - You two

are totally ridiculous! And your image is well and truly fucked, Magnus!

Shut your face.

And that's how two screwed up families

became one happy one.

Bye, you retards!

And for the first time in a long time I'd arrived.

Dude, this sucks. - All the way down.

What if anyone sees me? - It's only a sunset.

No.

We should've done it on holiday.

This is much hotter.

Got any condoms?

No.

Stupid! Go get some.

Where? - What do I know?

My cherry undies!

Who's there? - Who do you think?

Your mom had some.

My mom?

She knows we're having...

I'm so proud of you!

Any questions?

Want to talk? - No.

And don't stand outside the door.

I'm gonna be sick!

Shut up, you retard!

My dad's a cop, I'm boss of the block.

One wrong word and you get a bullet.

Kalashnikov, gold chain, white shirt.

Your mom gets a dick in her mouth.

Look at me. A kid from the street

making more on snow than a Winter Olympiad.

Ask Eva Padberg, "Who fucks like a stud?"

Cem's the reason to lock your door!

I'm chilling with hoes by my pool.

Nothing you can do!

Wanna learn a thing? Just watch me!

Say hi to your mom, you bastard!

Everything's bright and shiny.

The gun goes... I'm not a good man.

Cem's the man who bursts hoes with his dick.

Run, motherfucker! Run!

Only my balls are bigger than my pride.

I drive a Jet Ski in the Persian Gulf.

I fuck bitches like Jessica Alba.

You fuck bitches as ugly as sin.

Shades: Gucci. Suit: Armani.

Watch: Breitling. Dick: Ferrari.

I make hoes as hot as wasabi.

I fuck 'em and go. A gangsta never sleeps.

Bitch, search my pants. For Cem's monster

even the ozone hole is too tight.

Ask Aguilera who's the greatest,

the hoe wouldn't get off my kebab skewer.

I'm chilling with hoes by my pool.

Nothing you can do.

Wanna learn a thing? Just watch me!

Say hi to your mom, you bastard!

Everything's bright and shiny.

The gun goes... I'm not a good man.

Cem's the man who bursts hoes with his dick.

Run, motherfucker! Run!

I'm chilling with hoes by my pool.

Nothing you can do.

Cem's gonna fuck all hoes to death.

You bastard,

your mother's a homo!

Subtitles Adrian Byrne

Film und Video Untertitelung GmbH