Original subtitles

PHONE LINE RINGS

GAVIN: Hiya. You all right?

Oh, I'm absolutely buzzing, I am.

I dropped the kids' bags off at Glenda's,

and she's picking them up from school.

And they were OK when you said goodbye?

Yeah. Meg was a bit whingey, so I pretended to be sad and that

but, to be honest, I feel liberated, Gav.

A whole weekend away.

Just me and you.

Well, yeah, except it's not just me and you, is it?

Well, it's not the point.

We're away. We can lie in without being woken. Hey,

don't forget, me and Smithy have got our suit fittings

first thing tomorrow.

I'm jealous, I am.

I wish I had a fitting.

But you were the one who said only little ones should be bridesmaids.

I know. But now it's here,

I'd love to walk down the aisle again.

Make my way to the altar,

Smithy standing there, looking back at me.

Right. Well, that feels a bit weird.

Oh, you know what I mean.

What's got into you today?

It's a wedding, Gav.

A wedding!

I know. I can't believe it.

MUSIC: Run by Stephen Fretwell

Mick?

Mick?

Michael!

Yeah? Can you give me a hand with these platters?

Yeah.

On me way.

Now, please.

Oh, my God, what the hell's all this?! What?

We've got guests arriving,

in case you'd forgotten.

Yeah, in about eight hours' time.

PAM SIGHS

Look, all that has to go.

It's your mess. Get it gone.

We could just have had a takeaway, you know.

But you've turned it into...

PAM MOUTHS

What are you doing? I'm testing the flow. The what?

The flow of the buffet.

Now, I'm thinking the charcuterie should be next to the fromagerie.

But then that puts the boulangerie too close to the patisserie.

And then, of course, there's the viennoiserie.

I thought we were just doing sausage rolls and cheese and stuff.

Oh, you are winding me up, Michael!

Oh, just calm down.

You don't understand.

In the olden days,

when you would leave for work between the hours of 8:30 and 5,

this place was a sanctuary,

a haven, my own slice of solitude.

Now there's golf balls everywhere.

There's not golf balls everywhere. Sky Sports blasting out

from multiple TVs.

You've got to get out the house more -

see your friends, get a life! Oh, come on.

What's going on?

What are you so stressed out about?

It's just...

..it's been a while since the Barry lot were up here,

and I want it to be nice.

Pam, all that's happening is a few people are coming over

the night before the stag and the hen.

Smithy and Nessa, Gwen and Bryn, Gavin and Stacey.

They'll be happy with a glass of wine and a packet of Quavers.

Smithy wouldn't. Ha! That's true.

Now, look, I've got to get a few things for the bar, all right?

So I'm going to get out from under your feet,

but only if you can sink the last putt for the championship.

I haven't got time.

Pamela, come on. You can do it.

What are you like?!

THEY LAUGH

SOOTHING: Can Pamela Shipman bring home the Ryder Cup?

Whoa!

That's it, a bit to the left. Yes.

Hold it. Hold it. Now pull it taut.

Pull it taut. I am pulling it. Taut, Gwen.

Oh... I said taut!

Are you sure this rack is the right size for this car?

Tell me, Gwen, do you drive?

What? Do you drive a car? No.

Oh, so you don't drive a car?

You know I don't.

All I'm saying is, do we actually need a roof rack

just to go to Essex for two nights?

Gwen, this Picasso rarely carries five passengers.

Its boot capacity is 537 litres.

Now, later on today, I will be driving our family

across the border, to a foreign land.

Would you please do me the honour of bowing to my knowledge

as regards transportation,

cease your attack on my character

and pull...it...taut?

CREAKING

CLICK

It's done.

Thank you.

I'm just popping the shops. Do we need anything?

Oh, no, love, I'm popping up myself in a minute.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's with all this popping?

We're leaving in three hours and 11 minutes.

BOTH: So? There's bags of time. Gav's not back till two.

If we're not on the road by three,

we might as well forget this whole damn thing.

Oh, we'll be fine.

Mum, you don't have to go the shops. What do you need?

I can get it. Oh, it's all right.

I'm not actually going the shops.

Where to ARE you going?

Well, I've got something I need to do and somewhere I need to go.

But you never need to go anywhere.

Well, today I do.

But where? Will the two of you just give it a rest?

I'm my own woman, OK,

and I'll be back here and in that car by 2:30.

2:25, or we leave without you.

GWEN SCOFFS

DOOR SLAMS

PHONE RINGS

Smithster! Gavalar!

How you doing?

I'm in pre-match, mate.

Just trying to take on as many salts and fluids as I can

before we turn up the heat on what is arguably going to be

the most epic weekend of both our lives. Concur.

I'm simmering, mate, bubbling up.

I could reach boiling point at a minute's notice.

Slippers on. Cigar out.

Where are you? I'm in John Lewis.

We're doing the, you know, the list thing, the wedding list.

Oh, that's the best bit.

You just write down what you want and people get it for you.

Yeah, all I care about is getting an Xbox,

so why have I got to go and look at kettles and lamps?

Cos it's nice. I think we've got you the lamp, actually.

What time are you getting here? About six. Mum's doing food.

Oh, you're telling me. She ain't stopped going on about it.

I mean, since when has the night before the stag become a thing?

That's exactly what I said.

The focus has got to be on the actual stag.

If Bryn has two drinks tonight,

he's going to be a waste of space tomorrow.

He'll have the shakes, regrets...

BOTH: The lot. Right, listen, Gav, I've got to go. I'm here, all right?

I'll see you later. Yeah. See ya.

Hiya. Hi. Can I help you?

Yeah. Neil Smith.

I'm here to do the wedding list.

Lovely. Bride-to-be is already here. Follow me. All right.

All right?

Hiya, babe!

Oh, it's so exciting.

Someone's already bought the hand-held Dyson. Great!

Right. That's your lot. You'll have to walk the rest.

Mini golf that way. Marco's over there.

Is there any way we could be dropped...? No.

I'm done. That'll be 75 quid. What?

But we've only been on a couple of minutes.

Oh, love, I'm just speaking my truth. I find your abusive tone

very triggering. I-I really didn't mean... You're damaging

my mental health.

Now, if I was you, I'd leave it there.

You got Apple Pay?

I got Bluetooth in my bra.

Oh.

Closer.

Closer.

Hold it.

Nessa!

PING

It's through. Now, be on your way.

All right, Stace, what's occurrin'?

Good. Got my final bits. Cracking. You want a lift?

I got to get back the slots.

Oh, yeah! Go on, then.

STACEY GIGGLES

You want music? Yeah. Why not?

NESSA PLAYS TWO-NOTE MOUTH ORGAN REFRAIN

That's ten quid, all right? Mate's rates.

But you owe me 20 from last week. Fair enough. Call it quits.

LOUD RATTLING

Oh! Oh, Emlyn!

You tips that machine one more time, you're barred for life.

Oh, it's ever so quiet, innit? Yeah.

Struggling, we are. In all the 47 years I've worked here,

I've never known it so dead.

You all packed? No.

I'm not looking forward to this trip, if truth be told.

Oh. Why not? I just don't know why I'm going.

Sonia don't want me there, I don't want to go.

She's only invited me because of Neil the Baby.

I'm only going because of Neil the Baby.

The whole thing is a four-edged sword.

Oh, it'll be fun.

I think it's great that she invited you. It is.

I'm just not in the mood.

I'm thinking of bailing, to be honest. The full Gareth.

Please don't.

Look, just forget it's her hen

and think of it like a normal night out.

It's been ages since you and me done that.

You know, getting pissed, eating chips, having fights.

I'm just looking forward to a day without any kids around.

Mum! Hiya!

All right, Neil? I got in. What's this?

College. The plumbing course - I got accepted.

Oh, my God, that is lush! Tidy. Cracking.

I do college three days a week

and work placement with my dad the other two.

You told him? Your father? Not yet.

I only just found out. I'm going to be his apprentice.

That's amazing.

I'm proud of you. Genuine.

Take anything you likes from the grabbers.

Thanks, Mum. I'm going to call Dad.

Aw. He's so grown up. I know.

Nothing stands still.

Might even be time for me to move on.

Change things up a bit.

How do you mean? Nothing.

ALARM BLARES

Emlyn!

COINS SPILL FROM MACHINE

Stace, pass me them nun-chucks.

I do think we made the right decision on the dinner plates.

Yeah, I've been losing sleep over it.

Stop it!

PHONE PINGS

Oh, that's them chasing me now,

the reception people.

Neil, I need names for the place settings.

Yeah, I forgot... Because I'm not having, on my wedding day,

name cards that say "Swede Fingers" and "Dirtbox".

I need their actual birth names. Yeah, no, I will. I'll find out.

How do you not know what they're called?

It's been 35 years. I know Gary and Simon's names.

Yeah, but you don't know which one's which.

Well, Dirtbox is Dominic, right?

I know that because, originally, it was Dominic Dirtbox,

and then we shortened it.

OK. Dominic. That's one.

Just ask Gav tonight.

He knows everybody's names.

Oh, babe, I'm not going to come to Pam's tonight.

What? Why?

Well, I've just got so much to do,

and I'm going to be out late tomorrow night.

But they're all coming up specially. No, they're not.

They're coming for my hen night,

which is already weird, having bloody Dawn and Nessa there,

but I said yes, because I understood your point of view

and I wanted to support you.

Well, what am I going to tell them?

Just say I've got a sore throat

or something. You had a sore throat last time.

Well, then, tell them I don't want to go.

Because - I've got to say it -

Pam has a way of making other people's special nights about her.

She's an attention-seeker.

In fact, they all are.

And, if I'm honest, I'll be glad when we're married

and certain people aren't in our lives as much.

PHONE RINGS

Budgie!

THROUGH SPEAKER: All right, you absolute doughnut dick?

Right - what's better than eating a mandarin? Don't know.

Eating Amanda... Mate, you're on speaker.

I'm in the car with Sonia.

Apologies. Hi, Sonia. Budgie, what's your real name?

Erm...

BRYN CHUCKLES

What are you laughing at?

Oh, just a bit of boy stuff

Budgie and I have put together for the stag.

Not even Gavin knows. Right.

And I'd love to show you, Stace, but I've been sworn to secrecy.

Fair enough. OK. Go on.

Look in the sack, quick.

Is that a blow-up doll?! A blow-up doll, a pot of Deep Heat,

two pairs of handcuffs and a plunger!

BICYCLE BELL RINGS

Hiya, babe! Hiya.

Not a word.

Gavin, are you showering? Because...

No, I've just got to grab my stuff and I'm there.

Great news. Great news.

BOTH: Great news, Owain Hughes.

Once you know, you know, right?

Gav? Yeah?

I've been thinking.

This weekend, why don't you and me spice things up a bit,

like change our names or something? What?

You know, role play. Role play? Why?

Because we haven't got the kids.

I could pretend to be an uptight landlady called Stephanie

and you're trying to scrimp the rent together.

And you're like an unemployed waster,

or a scaghead called Keith.

Keith? Why am I Keith? That's worse than Gavin. Is it?

How about Ross? Yeah, OK. I could be Ross, yeah.

Oh, well, you don't seem very excited.

I am, it's just a lot to take in, that's all.

But you ARE up for it?

Yes, I am...Stephanie.

No. I'm not Stephanie now.

Only when I'm wearing the glasses.

What glasses? I bought some.

Wow.

Are they men's? I don't know. Probably.

I got them from the Mind shop.

And you think wearing a pair of dead man's glasses

is going to do it for me?

Shut your filthy mouth, Ross, and get that rent together sharpish,

or else you're going to have to find another way to pay.

Cheers, drive. Nessa, I will say to you

what I've said to all today's other travelling passengers -

I am perfectly prepared to leave without you, should the need arise.

Go for it. You'd be doing me a favour, if truth be told.

Hello!

I'll be two minutes, Bryn.

Did you get my text about the two-for-one in Boots?

Oh, I didn't go to town in the end. The day ran away with me.

Where did you go, then, if you didn't go town? Oh, you know.

Here and there, round and about.

IGNITION I've started the engine.

Departure in T-minus one minute.

We should make a move, don't you think?

Is that all you're taking, Ness?

I got my HRT, my feminine wipes.

I'm sorted. What about your toothbrush?

She's got Tic Tacs. I've got Tic Tacs.

Ten. Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five. Four.

Three. Two. One.

Go, go, go, go, go!

MUSIC: Wet Dream by Wet Leg

# Here we go

# Here we go, here we go, here we go

# Beam me up

# Count me in

# Three, two, one

# Let's begin. #

Dawnie! Hiya! Sorry, I know I'm a bit early,

but I thought no point going home and coming back again.

Come in, come in. Cup of tea? Please.

You know what I just saw?

You know Capriccio's have got that little room upstairs?

They're starting a salsa class.

Do you fancy it - me and you getting twirled around?

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, I'd love that.

Ooh, I thought so! We could get

a little group of us, start Tuesday night.

Right.

Well, I-I could do next Tuesday, but I can't do this Tuesday.

Oh, right. What have you got on?

Oh, it's...it's nothing.

It's just, er, I can't be there Tuesday, that's all.

Pammy, what is it?

We're going round to Pete's,

to his flat.

Oh. Yeah, h-he's doing a games night.

Gin rummy or something, you know. Oh, that's great.

That's wonderful.

I'm so happy he's reaching out to friends.

Yeah, that's what we thought. Yeah.

It's just a shame he wasn't more proactive

during his 30 years of marriage. Dawn...

Ginger piece of shit. Oh, Dawn, come on, be fair.

You've been divorced six months.

He's just getting on with his life, that's all.

Yeah, he's getting on with his life, all right.

He was in an Uber the other night,

3:30 in the morning.

How do you know?

Still got the tracker on his phone, haven't I?

Oh, Dawn! Our phones are linked through the iPad.

He's got all sorts of apps on there, Pam.

Tinder, Beach Bodies, Red-Headed Dates, Grindr.

You were the one that demanded this divorce.

I know, I know, I'm being unreasonable.

It's just, I think he's seeing someone.

Like, properly in a relationship.

He has been back and forth to the same terraced house

17 times in the last two weeks, Pam.

17 times in the last two weeks, Pam!

Oh, my God.

Do you know something? I can't.

Is he seeing someone? Is Pete seeing someone?

It's not my story to tell. Hiya, Dawn.

Mick, is Pete seeing someone?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! DOOR CLOSES

Who is she?! Dawn, calm down.

Who is she?! Stop it. That little slut,

she's stolen my Pete!

Stop it! She's not having my Pete! Stop it!

I'm sorry, Dawn, but it needed to be done.

What am I going to do? He's out there having his fun.

What about mine?

Look at me.

I'm just a dried-up Miss Havisham.

No, don't be silly now. Oh, yeah.

Slim pickings for Dawnie. No-one's sniffing around me.

I went on a date with Chinese Alan last week.

Chinese Alan?

Don't judge me.

Chinese Alan?! I don't want to talk about it.

Wasn't a big deal. We just went to laser tag, got a pizza.

Oh, my Christ. You wouldn't say that about Pete, would you?

No-one's judging Perfect Peter. Now, look.

You got to get it together,

because this weekend is about Smithy and Sonia, yeah?

And all them lot are going to be here any minute.

SAT NAV: You are three hours and four minutes away

from your destination.

We're making good time. Are we?

If you get tired or anything, Bryn,

I'm more than happy to hop behind the wheel.

Oh, no. I'm good. You relax.

Hey, now, listen, I want to talk to you mano et mano

about the stag. Tomorrow night, I am not your uncle, you understand?

I am not Stacey's flesh and blood.

Think of me as just one of the boys -

cutting loose, looking for a good time. Right, yeah.

Take my hand.

Your hand, Gavin.

There, right. You feel that? Trust, see?

What happens in the stag stays in the stag.

And I'll tell you for why.

My hunch is that, this weekend,

we're all going to see a side to each other

that we've not seen before. Well, I don't think...

If you want to let your hair down with floozies and prostitutes...

Floozies?! ..go for it. If you want to try a dab of MDMA

or a bit of nitrous oxide, knock yourself out,

because this bad bitch ain't going to blab.

I ain't saying shit.

Can I let go now?

How's she doing? Oh, she's fine.

She's listening to her meditation app.

I can always tell Pete not to bother tonight.

I mean, he'd understand. No, Mick, no.

We've got to get on with our lives. Blimey.

Who'd have thought you and me

would be the last two standing out of all our friends, eh?

Well, no, there's Sue and Bill, remember? Oh, yeah.

How is she now, Sue? Oh, she's good.

She's back from Turkey, still in a bit of discomfort,

but she's already dropped two dress sizes, so...

You're going to need a new nickname.

Pamela, Michael! Oh, in here, darling.

All right, mate. There she is.

Pamela, you ray of sunshine in a dark, dark world.

Let me rest in the warm embrace of your ample bosom.

Easy, tiger!

What's got into you? I'm the stag, Mick.

Papa's got a brand-new stag.

He's Melvyn Stag. Stagatha Christie!

Oh, my God, Pam, that is exceptional.

I'm going to put that on the group chat right now.

What time's Sonia getting here, Smith?

Oh, she's, um...

She's got this, er...

She's got a sore throat.

Oh, she suffers with that throat, doesn't she?

She does, she does.

It's, erm... Hi, Smithy.

Ah! Cometh the Dawn in all her glory.

Can I help with anything?

Oh, I've just got to take the clingfilm off

and start loading up the table. All right, I'll give you a hand.

You eating with us, Dawn, or...

..are you having a Chinese?

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, my God. What has he said?

Has he said something? What has he said?

He hadn't said a word, I promise you.

You know Alan, he's a gent. I promise.

What's this? Nothing. Ignore him.

Dawn and Chinese, in a car wash next to Domino's.

Don't!

Welcome, welcome, one and all!

Oh, Bryn.

Mwah! Oh, there he is - man of the match.

Hey, hey, you all right, Brynlar?

Good to see you. All good? Hiya, Gwen.

Hello. Aw, thanks for coming up. Appreciate it.

Hey, Stace. All right? Where's the hen? Where's Sonia?

Oh, she, erm... No, she couldn't make it, unfortunately.

She's got, erm... Yeah, you're not going to believe it, Stace.

Oh, has she got a sore throat? Yeah.

What are the chances?

Oh, yeah, she's really sorry not to be able to make it. There he is.

All right? Hey! Careful, you might break it!

Need a hand with anything, mate? No, I've got it.

Nessa came up, right? Oh, she's having a little vape, love.

Yeah, well, don't just all stand around. Go on in. Go on.

Come on through.

I thought you were packing that in. One of them, at least.

It was a long drive. You all right? Yeah, good. You? Yeah.

Great news about Neil the Baby.

I'm overflowing with pride, I'm not going to lie.

Yeah, I know, he's absolutely buzzing.

And, look, we'll figure it out.

Like, you know, the logistics,

getting his stuff up here and all that. No worries.

You've got a lot on your plate right now.

Thanks for coming up for this.

I know it means a lot to Sonia.

Tidy.

It's all right not inviting Neil to the stag, innit?

He seemed disappointed when I called him. He's 16.

I said to him, "Oh, give your old man a break.

"It's his final night to cut loose. He's getting married."

Yeah.

He's getting married.

And you're sure you can't make the wedding?

I'm sure. Because there'll be a place for you,

you know, if your plans change.

I ain't got no plans, Smithy.

We both knows that.

Hiya.

What are you doing in here, Ross?

Oh, sorry. Erm...

WHISPERS: I can't remember your name.

Stephanie. Sorry, Stephanie.

I was just unpacking the bags.

Who gave you the code? What code?

The code, Gav - er, Ross.

Who gave you the code? I didn't know there was a code.

You knew there was a code.

Scrabbling around in here, looking for your next hit. What?

Trying to sneak into my dungeon.

Dungeon? Is this...? Hang on. Take off your pants. Wow.

Turn around and pull down your pants.

Hang on, hang on. Stace, stop!

Stephanie! Slow down.

Look, I know you're excited to be away.

Come on, Gav.

You've got to play along a bit.

Tell me more about the story.

I mean, I'm happy to do it.

It's just started out a little bit intense.

Good point.

PAM: Food's ready!

I'll have a rethink, but I am going to stick with the glasses.

All right? The glasses are the least of my worries.

Oh, I do like this, Pam.

Is it tzatziki? No, baba ghanoush.

I love baba ghanoush.

I had some last week at the Lebanese restaurant in Porthcawl.

The Meze Mansion on the prom? Yes.

I didn't know you went to the Meze Mansion.

Yes, I did. With who?

Just some friends. Which friends?

Nicola and Dennis.

PHONE PINGS

My first boyfriend was called Dennis. Hiya!

Hiya, love.

Oh, it's Damien.

He says he can be there tomorrow for ten, depending on the traffic.

He said he's got an 85th birthday party

the other side of town.

Oh, my God! Can you imagine having a stripper

for your 85th birthday?

Forget birthdays.

Doris used to hire them on a Sunday morning,

just for herself, after church.

SEVERAL: Aw. What's she like?

Oh, Mick, can you get some more wine from the garage?

And we're running low on gin. Will do.

I'd have a top-up. Got any rum, Dad? Coming up.

Oh, I'll have a whisky.

Is it too early for a whisky? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?

This is getting out of hand now.

Eh? What's the matter?

Right. With respect, respectfully, I don't care what you lot do.

The hen is none of my concern.

But you, Mick, and you, Gavin, you need to seriously rein it in.

And I have got deep concerns about you, Bryn. I'm peachy, me.

But you're not going to be peachy when you get that second gin in you.

We have to remember that this,

this is not the stag.

And, cards on the table,

we should all be in bed by ten.

Ten o'clock?! No! You what?

We have to, at all costs, protect the stag.

We are! We're taking it easy. No, you're not.

You're not taking it easy. You're all, "I'll have a gin, Mick."

"Yeah, I wouldn't mind a whisky." Oh, Smithy,

what's wrong, sweetheart?

It's a lot of pressure, Pam.

You know? Tomorrow is my stag.

It's the most important day of my life. I know, darling.

And I just want it to be... Mate, it's going to be epic.

We've got an incredible day planned.

Are we girls allowed to know?

Careful, Gav. Censored version, isn't it?

Well, Latvia hasn't worked out,

just cos of people's finances and that. Devastating.

So what we're doing is like a look back at Smithy's life. Right.

We've got our suit-fitting first thing,

then the two of us are booked in for a wet shave.

Cos I've always wanted to do that. You know when they put like

the hot towels around your head and all that. It's immense.

After that, we're meeting the boys at the Little Chef on the A12.

Tell 'em why. Because that's where Smithy's first job was.

BOTH: Washing dishes. Then we're going paintballing.

And then we're doing a pub crawl.

We're going to all the pubs, right, that we used to drink at illegally

when we was like 16, 17.

Ending up in Foundation.

Which used to be called Mirage.

Which is the nightclub where... I lost my virginity.

Lost it to who? Janice Marshall.

Janice Marshall?!

What, the receptionist at the vet's? Correct.

Who's just retired?

She's only a couple of years younger than me!

THEY LAUGH

I think I went out with her once.

The point is, right, it's a big day tomorrow,

and I want everyone on top form. He's right.

I am going to bed.

Thank you.

Wait, wait... That is a man who is keen to protect the stag.

..wait. Smithy, you're looking at this all wrong.

Science has proven that the only way the body can withstand lack of sleep

and more alcohol is to increase your intake.

So if you want tomorrow's stag to be a success,

you are going to have to build a tolerance.

I'm just saying. Is that true? Sounds right.

I saw it on Tomorrow's World.

In that case, I have always loved you, Mick.

I will have a vodka Red Bull. Thank you very much.

THEY CHEER

Let's get some music on. Let's do some shots!

I'm on it.

Hello, everyone.

Pete! Look at you.

Hiya, love.

Hiya, Gwen.

Ness. Stace. Pam.

Hello, Dawn. Hello, Peter.

Now, are you hungry?

Cos we've got loads of food. No.

Can I get you something?

I won't, actually, Pam, my eating window has closed for today.

I'm on a very strict fasting programme,

so no proteins or grains for me until 1pm tomorrow.

Oh, for God's sake. Sorry, Dawn, did you say something?

No.

Only it sounded like you said something.

I'll still happily join you in a drink, though, Pam -

there's so much to celebrate.

Right, OK.

Shall we? Mick, yeah? Can we? Yeah?

Happy, happy, happy. Yeah, Gavin? Gwen?

A little dance, perhaps?

Yeah. Baba ghanoush.

I tried to get him to change his diet for years.

Would he listen? No.

Then some slut in a pair of helium heels comes along...

Right, now, Dawn, this has got to stop, OK?

This is a soiree, a celebration.

Sorry, Pam.

All right?

How do I look? Stunnin'.

Crackin' rack, legs for days.

Go show him what he's missing. Thank you, Vanessa.

God, always a drama with those two, isn't there?

I'm staying out of it.

No, you're all right.

I don't want fag breath

cos me and Gav are being different people this weekend, like,

to spice things up a bit and...

You're not listening, are you?

It's freaking me out, I'm not going to lie.

I thought I'd be all right with it, but I'm not.

Oh, my God, you fancy Pete?! What? No.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kick him out of bed, but...

..no, it's not that. What is it?

Remember that Christmas before Covid

when me and Smithy slept together?

Oh, my God, you're pregnant.

It was five years ago.

Oh, sorry. No, what it was...

Oh, my God, you've kept doing it with him

and Sonia found out, and so you killed her,

and that's why she's not here tonight, because she's dead!

Oh, Stace, let me speak. Oh, sorry.

It's this roleplay thing I'm doing with Gav.

It's got my imagination whirring.

So...that Christmas night at Gwen's,

I watched Smithy say goodbye to Sonia because she left, remember?

Yeah.

Oh, it don't matter.

No, go on.

I proposed to him, all right?

What? Smithy.

I told him I loved him, got down on one knee, held up my ring

and asked him to marry me.

Why haven't you told me this before?

What happened? What did he say?

He took the ring, looked at it and,

just as he was about to speak, Gav came out. Smithy walked away,

left me on one knee.

I told Gav I was practising my Cossack dancing

for a one-off gig on New Year's Eve.

Incredibly, I still had it in me.

I did four or five Slav squats, made my excuses and went to bed.

Next day, I found out him and Sonia got engaged.

Fair play. We've never talked about it since. Oh, my God.

And you knows me, I'm tidy.

But this weekend...

..it's all got a bit much for me.

In here, like.

Oh, Ness.

You got to promise me you won't tell no-one.

Not a soul.

Promise.

You've got to be kidding me. No, I'm not!

He took the ring from her.

Then you came out, he walked away.

She never got an answer.

Yes, I remember now.

I knew something was going on.

Like, it felt weird.

But then I just got distracted

by some of the finest Cossack dancing I've ever seen.

I'm just in shock, I am.

Five years ago, this happened.

I can't believe he's never told me.

Well, you can't say nothing, Gav. I promised Ness.

You can't say a word to anyone,

and certainly not Smithy.

Why's this all coming out now?

Like, why is she suddenly telling people this weekend?

I don't know, but why haven't you told me?

I didn't tell anyone.

It's not like I didn't tell you pacifically.

What's the big deal? Smithy, you got annoyed

when I went bowling with Bryn and Jason

and didn't tell you. This is, like, major.

Yeah, I was just trying to forget it ever happened.

Have you spoken to her about it since?

No. But that's really weird, mate.

You've got a kid together.

I know, it's just not really something that you...

PHONE RINGS

All right, it's Sonia. All right, OK.

SMITHY TAKES BREATH

Hiya, baby.

Where are you?

I'm just in the kitchen with Gav.

OK, well, look, I'm going to bed now, so I'm just checking

that you're setting your alarm for the morning.

Actually, let me speak to Gavin. What? Put Gavin on. OK.

WHISPERS: She wants to talk to you. Why does she want to talk to me?

I don't know... OVERLAPPING WHISPERS

Yes, here he is! Hi, Sonia.

How's the throat? What?

Er, yeah, you know.

Listen, Gav, don't let him sleep in tomorrow morning, will you?

Because his fitting's at nine and yours is at...

9:30. Yeah, we'll be there.

And remember, the cufflinks

have to be the matte ones, not the shiny, right? Yeah. Got it.

What are they? BOTH: Matte, not shiny.

Well done. All right, speak tomorrow. Love you!

See ya. Love you. Bye! Bye!

Cheers, Clayton, I appreciates it.

And what's the addy?

Tidy. Well, let me sleep on it.

I'll get back to you.

All right, Clayt. Ciao.

Nessa?

Can I just, erm, have a quick word?

Go for it.

Just about...what happened that Christmas Day when you...

Oh, Stace! I thought I told you not to say nothing.

Gav! I told you not to say nothing!

Why is anyone saying anything about anything to anyone anyway?

I can say anything to anyone, any time and anywhere,

all right? So back off.

All right.

It's just, you know, we never spoke about it that Christmas,

and I didn't know if you wanted... No.

I regrets the whole thing, if truth be told - it was stupid.

Stupid? Yeah.

A mistake.

I'm over it.

Right.

Look, in two years' time, Neil the Baby will be 18

and you and me won't need to be in each other's lives no more,

which is what we both want.

Isn't it?

Yeah, I guess.

Tidy.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it!

MUSIC PLAYS

Jason! Hi, Uncle Bryn!

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Come in, come in. Jason's here, everyone.

What took you so long? Oh, sorry.

Well, the plane was late taking off,

and then the first train

was cancelled. You should have called me,

I'd have picked you up from the station.

Yeah, I-I know, but I was so delayed,

I just thought there's no way

I'm trusting any of you lot behind the wheel,

the amount you'll have drunk by now.

THEY LAUGH

Smithy, I got you a little stag present.

Oh! What's this? Cheers, mate.

I bet it's a bottle of something.

"Ravgift"? What?

It's pronounced "ra-if".

Yeah, yeah, that's right. It means... BOTH: Fox poison.

LAUGHTER

Have you got any shot glasses, Pam? Yeah. Mick? Yep. Got 'em.

It's a kind of vodka liqueur they drink in Sweden. 95%.

ALL: Oh! Wow.

Traditional for the groom to drink it the night before the wedding,

but nobody has their stag the night before the wedding any more,

so I thought I'd give it to you now.

Unless you want to keep it for tomorrow.

No, thank you, Sir Jason,

for to drink tomorrow,

we must drink today.

Isn't that right, Lord Michael?

Yes, Bryn.

I don't think that can be strictly true, is it?

ALL MURMUR ASSENT Yes, it is...

It was on The Krypton Factor.

OVERLAPPING SPEECH

All right, OK, well, just be careful, everyone,

because the guy in the shop said it'll blow your ears off.

LAUGHTER

Cheers, everyone!

Iechyd da!

Actually, we should say "skal",

because that's what they say in Sweden. All right, well...

ALL: Skal!

BOUTS OF COUGHING

I know - lethal, right?

I've actually tried it before. Oh, yeah?

When was that, then, Pete?

Just with a friend.

Knows a lot about Sweden, don't he, this "friend" of yours?

Leave it, you two.

Actually, it's not a he. It's a she.

Of course it is.

Do you think I'm stupid? Dawn. Don't do this, Dawn.

Just say it, you despicable little rat. Coming in here with your

high-top trainers and your soft-top car. Come on, we're supposed to be

celebrating. I'm not doing this.

No, you're not doing it now.

You'll be doing it later at 165 Springfield Avenue. Oh, my God!

Have you been following me again? Yes, I have,

because I wanted the truth.

Dawn, you cannot ask me to leave your life

and then begrudge me getting on with mine!

The only thing I begrudge is every single second I spent

with your rancid breath polluting my life.

Then leave me alone!

Oh, here we go. Stop walking past the window when I'm in the pub,

sitting behind me when I'm at the cinema,

supergluing my letterbox!

I haven't touched your sodding letterbox.

I feel like I'm in Baby Reindeer!

Ugh! You're vile. I'm done.

You're a vile human being. It's over!

Over! You're a monster. Watch my lips.

Piss off! Piss off! Toxic aberration.

Piss right off!

No, YOU piss off! Stop it! Enough!

Pam's right.

Sort yourselves out, the pair of you.

Either go home, or join in.

This is supposed to be a party.

MUSIC: Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson ft Bruno Mars

CHEERING

Oh, Bryn, that was amazing.

I've always had a flexible spine.

Right, I've got a vodka soda, gin and tonic.

Me, me.

Bryn, do you want a Cinzano?

No, thank you, Mick.

I'll have another shot of this bad boy.

Are you sure? I know. At first, I was, "Pfft, not on your nelly."

Now, I'm, "Yes, please, stick it on my nelly."

Pam, this is exceptional.

What is this? Oh, tzatziki, my love.

What is tzatziki?

No idea! Greek, it is, Pam.

Yoghurt. Cucumber. Mint. Right.

You're doing that all wrong.

Don't use a cracker.

Use the bread.

Tzatziki.

Tomato.

And then the finishing touch...

..salami.

Oh, wow.

That is revolutionary.

It's a taste revolution.

Very good.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Gav, I've got it. What?

I'm going to drive Bryn's car to the BP garage,

and then I'm going to put the bonnet up

and pretend I've broken down and be all distressed. Stace...

And you, you're going to call an Uber

and you're going to go down there

and you're going to pretend to be a mechanic.

And, oof, you've had a terrible day.

You're at the end of your tether.

You're not driving anywhere.

Oh, but Gav, I just... Come with me.

What? Follow me.

You, Stacey Shipman, don't need to be anyone other than Stacey Shipman.

Do you know why? No.

Because I love you

and I fancy you

and you are sexy to me,

even when you're wearing a pair of charity shop men's glasses.

Now, put 'em on. Gav!

Put the glasses on.

STACEY GASPS

PANTING AND MOANING WITHIN

Oh, God, I'm so sorry!

Don't stop, Pete! Don't you dare stop!

I said don't stop, Pete!

PETE PANTS

PANTING AND MOANING INTENSIFIES

THEY LAUGH

MUSIC: Mamma Mia by ABBA

# Look at me now, will I ever learn?

# I don't know how, but I suddenly lose control

# There's a fire within my soul

# Just one look and I can hear a bell ring

# One more look and I forget everything, whoa-oa

# Mamma mia, here I go again

# My, my, how can I resist you?

# Mamma mia, does it show again?

# My, my, just how much I missed you?

# Yes, I've been broken-hearted

# Blue since the day we parted

# Why, why did I ever let you go?

# Mamma mia, now I really know

# My, my, I could never let you go... #

Smithy? Smithy?!

Smithy!

Mate.

Mate, you've got to wake up. It's half-12.

What? It's 12:30.

No, it isn't. It is.

WHISPERS: It can't be.

It is. No, cos we've got to go... We've missed the fitting.

We've missed the Little Chef.

What? What?! Oh, my... Where's my phone?

Where's my phone? Where's my phone? Where's my phone?

Where's my phone? Where's my...?

GASPS I've got 48 missed calls!

Sonia's called me 48 times.

Hang on. We're meant to be at the paintballing.

We've missed that and all.

They've been there since 11. I knew this was going to happen!

I'm dead. She's going to kill me.

I am a dead man walking. I am a dead man's shoe.

What's all the shouting about? My head's pounding.

She's calling me again now. What am I going to do?

What am I going to do? Oh, God, I just woke up.

I think we missed the paintballing. It's his fault.

It's your fault, turning up last night with that Swedish crap.

I'll kill him! You ruined my stag!

I didn't make you drink it.

Hey, hey, hey, what's all the drama?

Calm down. We missed the suit fitting. He's freaking out.

He says Sonia's going to kill him. One thing.

That's all she asked me to do, do one thing -

go to your suit fitting. And what do I do?

Smithy, it's fine. We'll just rearrange.

Where is it? Bloomsbury's. Right, we'll give them a call.

Look, you go and get dressed, for a start,

because you can't do anything half-naked.

All right? What's occurring? Hi, Ness.

Oh, my God, I'm still pissed. Has anyone seen Bryn?

He's in a bad way, he is. Been in with me since four o'clock.

Been crying, throwing up.

I've just been rubbing his back, singing him a few songs.

Hello, Bryn.

How you feeling?

I had a bit of a rough night, but now I'm absolutely...

Oh, hi, Pammy.

I was just thinking.

You and me could rustle up a full English.

Eggs, black pudding... Yeah, that sounds like a nice idea.

I've got all the bits...

Hello, Pete.

Morning, everyone.

Dawn and I made love last night.

Thanks, Pete.

Fair play.

DOOR OPENS My life is over. My life is over.

All right, Mick, come here.

I need you to do me a favour, all right? Come here.

I need you to break my arm. What?

Break my arm, OK? Because then I'll go to the hospital

and that will explain why I missed the suit fitting.

I'm not breaking your arm.

Go on, Mick, break my arm.

I'm not breaking your arm. Mate, this is ridiculous. All right. Fine.

Pete, will you break my arm? Come on, Smithy. Come on.

Gwen, break my arm.

Love, I don't think I can. Come on. Nobody is breaking your arm.

Will somebody break my arm? Anybody?

I'll do it. Nobody's breaking your arm. All right, fine!

Aaaagh!

Mate, what are you doing?

I'm trying to break my arm!

And have you?

No, I'm completely fine.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, God, she's calling me now. I'm just going to go round there.

Gav, I'll see you at the stag.

If there even is a stag any more.

There he is! Wahey!

Come on! All right, fellas?

What happened this morning? Oh, don't, it's been a nightmare.

Honestly, she nearly called the whole thing off.

Luckily, her nan had a fall. Oh, no.

She's OK. She's fine, but it really took the heat off me for a minute.

How'd it all go, anyway - the paintballing and stuff?

Yeah, it was a bit of a wash-out, to be honest.

The Little Chef, gone. BOTH: What?

Shut down, 2018. Seriously?

Yeah. And then the lot of us couldn't do the paintballing.

Why? Well, I wanted to but our baby-sitter cancelled

cos her bum's on the blink.

Yeah, and I couldn't because of my gout.

Flared up last night.

I had a cheese sandwich.

Gary and Simon did it. Why didn't YOU do it?

I always made it clear from the WhatsApp

that I never intended to paintball.

Yeah, but why? Cos of... Byker Grove, innit? ..Byker Grove.

What happened to PJ from PJ and Duncan?

Oh, he went blind, didn't he?

Yeah, only lifted his mask up for a second.

Next thing, eyesight gone.

I said on that day that I was never going to do it.

Yeah, but Byker Grove's a kids' TV show.

Yeah, set in Newcastle.

Oi, oi! There they are.

ALL: Hey!

You're looking brighter, Bryn. I'm tiptop, thank you, Smithy.

I think I got it all out.

Right, is everybody here?

Can I put you against this wall, sir? What?

Stay there. Three, two, one.

ALL CHEER

SMITHY LAUGHS

Oh, no, I love it!

Oh, I love it!

I love it!

Brynlar, look at you.

I know. It's meant to be just the shirt, of course it is,

but I was on the website and I thought,

"No, I'm getting the whole kit and caboodle."

I feel fantastic.

Like a young Aaron Ramsey.

THEY LAUGH

Right, what are we all drinking, pints?

Oh, no, it's a pint and a shot in every pub

till we get to the foam party in Foundation.

THEY CHEER

THEY CHANT: He knows! He knows!

Oh, drive. You want to go left up there on Marshall,

then take the dogleg onto Compton.

That'll save you a good ten. Blimey, Ness.

How comes you know the roads so well?

I done The Knowledge back in the day, Pam.

18 months.

She drove a black cab. Drove a black cab.

I mainly worked nights.

That's how I fell in with Hale and Pace.

Picked 'em up on Piccadilly,

took 'em home and moved in for the best part of a year.

We shut the door that night and never left.

The cab got towed,

I lost my licence and things between us turned...quite dark.

I'll spare you the details,

but suffice to say it ended very badly with me and Gareth and Norm.

That's when I went back working the ships.

Right. Wow.

Shall we?

PHONE PINGS Yeah, come on.

I'm absolutely famished.

Who's that? Oh, nothing, love.

Someone from the choir.

Who?

Gosh, Stace, what does it matter?

We've got bigger things to discuss.

Like what happened last night with you and Pete, Dawn.

Oh, here we go. Well, all I'll say is this.

It was as if we were entwined as one,

like two prairie voles frolicking in a meadow.

In sync, in love, in partnership.

Future's bright, ladies.

The future's Pete.

I think we were both pretty clear it was a one-off.

Are you sure she's all right with that?

Well, you never know with Dawn,

but it certainly felt like we were both saying goodbye.

So I got some handcuffs, a blow-up doll,

a couple of bras, some Deep Heat to shove down his pants, and a plunger.

And you definitely want to do this?

Yes. Don't you?

Well, I did, it's just that, now we're here... Oh, bore off, Budgie.

It's a stag.

Oi-oi!

Someone order a Chinese?

THEY CHEER

Right, stags, stags.

All drinks need to be finished within four minutes

because we are making our way to the Colcot.

THEY CHEER

INDISTINCT

Oh, Dave! Hey!

Hi.

OK, everyone, this is Stacey, Gwen, Pam, Dawn and Nessa.

Hiya.

Oh, my God. I had the wrong filter on.

I gave Sonia a mouse. No!

Look at that! That's hysterical!

OK, everyone, masks on for a selfie.

Pass them amongst yourselves.

Let me have one of those.

All right, are we ready?

Everyone say "Sonia".

ALL: Sonia!

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God, it's so good!

Here we go. Bryn, are you sure about these pints?

You don't have to have pints. GLASS CLINKING

Gentlemen, I think it's time for a little toast.

Smithy, I never thought I'd see the day when you, of all people,

became a married man. Or did I.

LAUGHTER

It only feels like yesterday I was picking you and Gavin up from Cubs.

Oh-ho! Dib, dib, dib!

Now, I know some of you know this, but Pam and me,

we tried for some time to have another baby,

and it was tough for a while -

heartbreaking some days because it didn't happen.

And for a few years, it felt like there was something missing.

And then one day, Gavin brought this friend home from school.

How old were you? About seven, I think. Yeah.

All shy and polite, which I realise now was all an act.

LAUGHTER

But the truth is, from that point on,

it started to get easier for me and Pam,

and it didn't feel like there was anything missing any more.

Smithy, mate, you're a part of our family.

Great friend to Gavin.

Great friend to all of us.

We're going to miss you, buddy.

Buddy, I ain't dying.

Well, in some ways, you are.

Once you get that ring on your finger.

Hey, come on, man!

To Smithy.

CHEERING

Unbelievable. Bless you, buddy.

Thank you, Mick. I love you. I love you. Thank you for that.

Love you.

FEEDBACK WHINES One, two. One, two.

CHEERING

Everyone on Smithy's stag,

let's party like it's 2008!

CHEERING

MUSIC: Freed From Desire by Gala

ALL: # Freed from desire

# Mind and senses purified

# Freed from desire, ooh!

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na, na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na, na-na... #

Well, this is nothing like my hen night, I have to say. Nor mine.

We just went to a Berni Inn with my sister, Mick's mum,

night before we got married.

It's Nessa, isn't it?

You're not actually allowed to vape in here.

I know.

EXHALES

He's been really good, to be fair, about the wedding.

I mean, he's paid for the whole bloody lot. Who, your dad?

No, Neil!

He said yes to pretty much everything I've asked for.

Well, because he loves you. Yeah,

and cos he knows if he says no, I'll make his life a living hell.

LAUGHTER

GLASS CLINKING Ladies, ladies!

It's time for our Mr and Mrs Quiz,

where we ask Sonia, how well do you know your husband-to-be?

Ooh! Bloody hell.

Question number one.

Where did you have your first kiss?

Oh, my God. Well, you know, cos you was bloody there!

It was at Chris and Emma's engagement party in Coalville.

That is...

DING! ..correct.

CHEERING

OK. Question number two.

We asked Neil what one aspect of his personality

most annoys you about him?

Oh, God. Only one?! There are thousands!

LAUGHTER

OK, well, it would have to be his horrendous snoring.

DING-DING-DING! Correct answer!

Some nights he sounds like a bloody train.

All right. Bit of a naughty one now. Ooooh!

What is Neil's favourite position in bed?

Oh, don't! No! I can't think of Smithy like that.

Oh, I can! I have!

Do I have to answer this.

Yes! Oh, God. OK, I can't believe I'm saying this.

OK. Neil's favourite position in bed is...

..with me on top?

DING-DING-DING!

Correct! CHEERING

That ain't true, no way.

OK, question number four.

What did Neil say was his biggest fear?

Oooh! That's a bit deep.

Er, well, it's not heights.

Oh, God, I don't know. Um...

Is it snakes?

Yeah, snakes?

No. That's incorrect.

Neil's biggest fear is...

Being on his own in the dark.

What?

Sorry, did you just say, "Being on his own in the dark"?

Cos that's actually correct.

PHONE BUZZES Stace...

Right, question number five...

Letitia, sorry to interrupt but I'm afraid we've got some bad news.

Really? Yes.

Because you, Sonia, are in big trouble with...

..the police!

MUSIC: Hot Stuff by Donna Summer

CHEERING

Oh...

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

Come on!

Get 'em off!

Stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop. Stop. Can you...

Can you turn the music off, please?

MUSIC STOPS Is everything all right?

No, it's not, it's... it's not that kind of hen.

It's only a bit of fun, darling.

No, I know, I just...

We're just not the kind of people that...

Objectify men.

Yeah. Sorry, I don't like it. Can you...

Can you put your clothes back on, please? Er, yeah. Sorry.

You were ever so good.

MUSIC: Club Classics by Charli XCX

Is that what 18-year-olds look like these days?

Well, think about it. When we used to come in here, we were 16, 17?

He was 12 the first time I came here.

He looks about nine!

Do we really want to stay for the foam party?

Cos I reckon... We're doing it for old times' sake. OK?

Where's Pete and your old man? Oh, they took off, mate.

Pete said he was hungry. No, Gary and Simon had a headache.

Why didn't they say goodbye?

Didn't say goodbye to anyone. Just sent me a text.

Just asked the DJ for Montell Jordan's This Is How We Do It,

and he said they don't play that kind of music.

What?! What sort of DJ is he?

Hello, Neil!

It's me!

Come on, get the cuffs on

and now let's get the pants down!

What?! Hang on! Hey! What?

Budgie... Budgie, come on, make it fun. Make it fun. Budgie!

Come on! It's hilarious. Bryn, what are you doing?

Come on, Budgie! Make it fun, Budgie!

Ain't working, Bryn. Come on, Gavin!

Gavin, get involved.

Get the plunger. You don't need a plunger.

Stop! Plunger? What's going on? Sorry, mate.

It's a stag, Smithy!

I know, but...

Is this it? Is this... Is this all the stag things?

I didn't know about any of this stuff.

Come on, let's do some shots or something, yeah?

It's all right. Don't worry about it.

DJ: It's time to release the foam!

CHEERING

I'm sorry, mate. I think if we'd have made the paintballing...

Don't worry about it.

I feel like I've really let you down. Oh, don't be silly.

It's my fault.

Who waits till they're my age to get married, eh?

But you're feeling good about the wedding, aren't you?

Cos, like, you know, you can talk to me about anything if...

Like what?

Like if you've got any worries or doubts or...

Oh, my God! Hiya! Hiya! All right?

What are you doing? We just got Mum and that back.

Me and Ness are starving, so we're going to get some food.

Where the two of you going?

Yeah, I thought you'd be wearing a bra by now, Smithy,

tied to a lamppost or something. Don't, Stace.

It's not really panned out.

Yeah, let's just say tonight's the night we realised

we are officially old.

Can we jump in? Yeah. Go for it. Come on, get in.

How was the hen? It was fine.

It was dreadful.

All I can say.

CASHIER: What can I get you?

Now, don't judge us but we were going to get a family feast bucket,

and we were really excited about it.

So shall we just get two family feast buckets?

Does that make us pigs?

No, of course not.

Two family feast buckets and two gravies, please.

Any drinks? No, you're all right.

Corn on the cob?

Ooh, I fancy a corn on the cob.

You know, like, sometimes you're just gagging for a corn on the cob?

Yeah, I'll have a corn on the cob.

What about you two? Do you want a corn on the cob?

Um...

Maybe.

How many corns do you get in a portion?

- Four. - Great.

Well, we'll have ours and if you two fancy it

then it's there if you want it.

OK, Drive around to bay number two.

Thank you.

Do you know what? I'm going to head, actually.

Cos I'm only down the road, ain't I?

And if I go all the way back to yours... Oh, come back. You sure?

No, look, I've got to get in a wedding suit in a week.

Family feast bucket's not going to help that, is it?

So, yeah. I'm going to...

DOOR ALARM DINGS

I'm going for a smoke.

Gav, I'll call you tomorrow, yeah? See you, Stace.

And I'll see you Friday, right? when I pick up Neil.

Tidy.

Right.

I do want a corn on the cob.

It's just...

I know.

# Do you believe there is a life... #

Right.

# Where it's just you and me and I?

# We don't need to wait

# We don't need a sign

# It's only you and me and I... #

Neil?

Yeah?

All this'll have to be moved as well or there'll be no room

for his clothes and stuff. On it.

You can sift through and see what you want to keep.

Honestly, some of this tat...

What is this chart? Beers from around the world?

Oh, my God! This is from ages ago, before Gav even met Stacey.

What we used to do... Bloody hell.

Please tell me you didn't used to wear this. What?

Where was that? In this box.

Yeah, that was mine. I used to...

Yeah, that's what I used to wear years ago, yeah.

Here, give it here. Let me... Hang on. It's engraved.

"To Vanessa. Love, Grandad."

Is it Nessa's?

Yes, it is. Yes, it's that one. I remember now.

She wanted Neil to have it as, like, a family heirloom kind of thing.

So why did you say it was yours?

Because I had one that was similar.

Very... The same. So it was... I got...

So when I go and pick up Neil, I'll...sort that out

and then crack on with all this. Yeah?

Hiya! Back off a minute, Stace. I'm doing my physio.

All right. What's occurring?

Nothing, really. I just... SIREN BLARES, MUSIC PLAYS

Oh... Come on, Sooty!

MUSIC STOPS

I've had a gutsful of this place, Stace.

What, the slots?

No. Barry.

It might be time for pastures new.

What do you mean?

Neil's packed and ready.

He's leaving.

You and Gav are boring.

There's nothing for me here no more.

Are you serious?

You can't leave Barry, Ness. You ARE Barry.

I know. But I'm only 29, I've got my whole life ahead of me.

Is it because of Smithy? Cos he's getting married?

Maybe. Yeah. I'm not going to lie.

But where will you go? What will you do?

I've been offered a job back on the ships.

Cargo.

Straits of Malacca.

I leave Southampton Saturday for Carrasco.

It's only for six months. I just got to clear my head.

I can't imagine being here without you.

I've got to do it, Stace.

This weekend... Oh, look, I won't go to the wedding.

I'll stay here with you.

I'll say I've got a sore throat. I don't care.

Cheers.

I'll be OK.

I just never thought he'd go through with it.

Only me!

I got the times wrong, Mam.

It's not on at the Memo, so I'm going the Odeon at four.

Mam?

Do you want a cup of tea?

Hiya! Hiya. All right, Jase? Hiya.

Mam, will you do me and Ness an omelette?

I thought you was going the pictures.

Yeah, well, I was, but the film I was going to see is...

Where's Mam? I don't know.

She was here just before I left, and she didn't say...

THUD

Mam?

FOOTSTEPS

Sorry!

Sorry, I was just...

Oh, hiya, Ness. All right?

So...omelette, is it?

Are you having one, Ness? Crackin'.

Mam, you all right?

Yes! Yes, yes, I was just...

THUD

Mam, what's going on?

Nothing.

I didn't hear anything.

I'm going upstairs. No! Wait!

Oh... I didn't want to tell you this way,

but it seems I have no choice.

The thing is,

I'm in a relationship.

I got a boyfriend. What?

Fair play. Seriously? Oh, Mam, that's brilliant!

No, that's fantastic. We wanted you to meet someone for ages.

I know, I know. It's just...

I think you'd better come down!

It's time!

HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

All right? Oh, my God!

Dave.

Dave...Coaches?

All right, Dave, how's it going, all right?

All right, Ness, how's it going, all right?

STACEY: I can't believe this.

I know it's a shock, and I'm sorry we didn't tell you,

but we wanted to be absolutely sure

because we didn't know if it was just... Sexual.

Yeah, all right, Dave. God's sake!

But also, I wanted to protect your feelings, Ness.

Oh, don't worry about me, Gwen. I'm made up for you.

I knows more than anyone what kind of bag you're packing,

and it's exceptional. Cheers, Ness. I appreciates that.

Tidy.

Look, it's a lot to take in, I know.

Lots of questions and what have you.

But right now, the person we're most sensitive about telling is Bryn.

So if we could just wait until the weekend.

Oh, don't worry, I already text him! What?

Is it true? Is it true?

All right, Bryn?

How long? How long?!

Well, as you know, we've always been friends on Facebook.

How long, Gwen, damn you?!

Six months?

Six months?!

Oh, Bryn, please... Six months?!

You couldn't stop yourself, could you,

from digging your festering claws

once more into the flesh of this family?

I know what you're thinking, Bryn, but it's not like that.

Here he comes, winding his way in like a rat,

feasting on scraps under my brother's roof.

Scraps?! Charming!

Keep it together. I'm telling you, Bryn, it's not like that.

I loves Gwen. I do.

Oh!

More than you'll ever know.

Oh...!

Don't fall for it, Stace.

He wouldn't know love if it was a passenger on his bus.

Well, I'm not having it. Do you hear?

Not on my watch, sunshine.

So come on, put 'em up, let's go.

You can hit me as much as you like, Bryn.

I'm not going to punch you back.

Go on, hit me. Come on! Come on!

I'll punch your lights out. I'll punch your lights out.

I'll knock your head off!

NESSA: Gwen, you doing these omelettes, then, or what?

That's enough! That is enough!

Six months, you have been scuttling around.

Secret meetings, tables at the Mezzy Mansion,

with Nicola and Dennis?!

So what? It's my life.

Secrets and lies, Gwen!

Secrets and lies!

Secrets?!

You want to talk about secrets?

30 years ago, you two went on a fishing trip

that almost tore this family apart.

And you still haven't told a single soul what happened.

That's not strictly true, Mam.

He did tell someone.

And that someone is standing in this room.

Isn't he...

..Dave?

You know?

You know what happened?

On the fishing trip?

I wish I didn't...

..but I do.

So tell me. Oh, hang on now.

Y-Y-Yes. Go on, Dave.

If this is true love, as you purport it to be, then

there'd be no secrets between you.

Look her in the eye and tell her.

Tell her.

Tell her.

OK.

From what I was told...

..it was cold... Oh, God.

..the tent was up and the sun was down...

..the fire was blazing..

..and the soup was bubbling in the billycan.

And then...

ALARM BEEPS

Oh, my God, the omelettes! Oh! Oh! Oh, God!

SHOUTING

Oh, God!

I'm struggling with this.

What? This speech.

Blimey! You're cutting it fine.

The wedding's tomorrow.

I know, and I could talk about Smithy all day long.

But Sonia - it's been five years

and I feel like I don't really know her.

Right...

At the risk of incurring your father's wrath,

I am going to speak my truth.

I think this whole thing is a big mistake.

I shouldn't have said anything. So does Stacey.

Your dad won't talk about it and you go silent.

But someone needs to say something. PHONE RINGS

Right, shush - this is him.

Smithster. Gaviscon.

Smitheroney-Chocoloney. What's happening?

I'm on my way to pick up Neil - the Baby.

I was thinking me and you could get a drink in if you're around.

No, I'm still at Mum and Dad's. Stayed up, didn't I?

Oh. Yeah, I forgot.

No worries.

I should probably get an early night anyway.

Smith? What?

I just want to say...

If...

Yeah? No, don't worry. It's all good.

All right. Snooker loopy.

BOTH: Nuts are we.

Is that it? Is that all you've got?

No, still got my tool box, my backpack and my guitar.

Yeah, you're going to need that.

Look at him.

I know. He's lush.

So when do you set sail?

Tomorrow. High tide.

Wow.

It's only six months.

Do me good, if truth be told.

And you'll keep in touch, right?

With Neil? Yeah. Of course.

That's what I meant, you know.

And I'll keep you in the loop with everything, if anything happens.

Tidy.

You've done so well with him. You should be really proud.

Well, it's a team effort, at the end of the day.

No, but I see it in him all the time.

You - your influence.

Cheers. I appreciates that.

It's your turn now.

You mess this up, I'll kill you.

Yeah.

I, um...

..I found this.

It felt wrong to keep hold of it, really.

Right.

I...I didn't even realise I still...

It's OK, I get it.

Some things are just not meant to be. Simple as.

Shall I put this in the backseat? No, you give that to me. You, um...

You say your goodbyes, yeah?

Bye, Uncle Bryn.

Thanks for looking after me and that.

This will always be your home. All right?

I know.

Well, this is it.

What the heck am I going to do without my two roomies, eh?

You're off today. You're off tomorrow.

Me? I'll be rattling around Barry like a bat in a boat.

Goodbye, Mum.

You enjoy yourself tomorrow, all right?

You will be sensational.

Yeah.

I love you, Mum.

And I loves you.

Genuine.

# Oh, if I could

# I'd take it away from you

# I'd take it away from you

# I'd take it away from you.. #

Dave Coaches? Yeah. Dave Coaches and Gwen?! I know.

Well, good luck to her, I say.

I mean, I'd do the same.

I think a lot about what life will be like after Michael dies.

Eh? Well, I'd sell this place, for starters,

and downsize to an apartment.

I actually went the other day to look at them new ones in Brentwood.

Pam! Did you?

Yes, because the profit that I'll make on this

means that when the day comes,

after I have fully grieved and I can finally accept a new lover,

he won't have to work,

so we can live a carefree lifestyle

that I've perhaps not been able to enjoy with Mick.

Charming. Hang on - why is Dad dying first?

Oh, please. Did you see what he had for breakfast?

Swimming in grease.

Whereas I had granola.

In preparation for my second life.

Well, there is no second life for me, my love.

No other woman could ever replace you.

Though there's a couple at the golf club lining up.

I heard that!

Oh, I've got to be honest,

I never thought this day would actually come.

Nor me. I mean, I love a wedding, you know I do, but...

..I just don't know if Sonia and Smithy... Oh, no. Not this again.

All I'm saying is...

Michael, you need to get a shift on prontaprinto

or I'm leaving without you.

Oh, there's the groom. Oh! SMITHY: All right?

The groom operator.

- Oh, you look lush, Smithy. - Why, thank you.

Aw! Now, have you eaten?

Cos I don't want you passing out at the altar.

Yeah, no, we're all right. We had a full English.

Stacey, how are you doing? You good?

- You know what you're doing? - Yeah. The girls are all dressed,

so I'll take them up in half an hour.

There's no point in me coming back.

- I'll just wait for you guys. - And how are your lot getting on,

Bryn and all them? Oh, what a palaver.

What it is, is Bryn refused to let Dave inside the Picasso,

so Dave offered to take everyone in the bus.

Then Bryn sent a passive aggressive email,

saying he's refusing to travel on the bus.

So now we've no idea who's going with who.

All we know is that they're on their way.

# Hold on, my friend

# Love will get you there

# Love will get you there... #

Thank you.

No, I specifically said this at the meeting.

You need to be higher. I want all the pre-ceremony photos

to be taken from higher up. Hey, Stace. Hiya.

I've got two very pretty bridesmaids here for you.

Mum, can you deal with Stacey?

And can you redo her hair? Cos that looks a mess.

I want them identical.

Have you got a ladder or a box or something that you can stand on?

I've set them up in the main room. Great. Brilliant. Fantastic.

OK, I'm going down now, so I'll see you in there.

But Shirley'll look after you. All right?

I'll just try and pretend that this catastrophic mistake

didn't take place on the most important day of my life.

Thank you very much.

Not now! Jesus!

PIANO PLAYS: Jesu, Joy Of Man's Desiring by JS Bach

I'll show you where to go. Thanks for coming. Nice to see you.

You all right? Yeah. Good.

There he is!

Look at you two.

You look like Robson and Jerome.

Oh, hiya, Bryn. Hi, Bryn.

Oh!

Well, I'm very emotional -

goodness only knows how YOU must be feeling, young man.

Hello! Hey!

Hiya, Gwen. How you doing?

Nice to see you. All right, Jase.

All right, Dave. Congratulations, Smith.

Seems I only ever sees you at weddings, mate.

Listen, thanks for inviting me with Gwen. It's early days...

Technically, you're not invited, David.

Gwen, like me, received a plus one.

And as a courtesy, she... Hey now, come on.

Let's just find our seats, shall we?

Oi, oi! Hey! Rudi!

You good? How you doing?

Sweet.

Where's Taplow and Chingford? Just with Mum.

All right. Hiya, you two.

Don't go near them, bruv. I've just got them off.

Brighton's been up half the night and Aldi's got something,

I don't know what. Anyway, they're both off their nuts on Calpol,

so hopefully that'll knock them out,

but I'm not making any promises, yeah?

All right. Hiya, boys. Hiya, Mum. Oh, Neil.

How long is this going to take? What, the ceremony?

Um...about an hour.

No, the whole day from start to finish -

the dinner, the disco, the whole thing.

What time will I get home?

Well, it's a wedding, Mum. A day of celebration.

Yes, and I'm very happy for you

but I've got a splitting headache and I simply have to sit down.

Where's Neil the Baby? Has he got my cushion?

Right, come on. Come with me, I'll take you in.

OK? Hello, Gavin.

Hello.

How's he doing? Good, I think, yeah.

Really? Yeah. Why? I don't know.

I've just never got on with Sonia.

We ain't spoken in four years. She ain't my vibe.

I tried to talk to him about it but he blocked me on Snapchat.

Mm-hm. Look, it's none of my business,

but I don't think he realises what a massive mistake he's making.

Do you? BABIES CRY

Oh, no. Oh, bruv! You're winding me up.

See you later. See you.

Shut up!

You all right? Good.

You nervous? No, I'm good.

Harry, our seats are just down there.

Second row. OK.

Hello, you two.

This is a turn-up.

Oh, I've gone all emotional seeing you both.

I am delighted to tell you that we are now formally back together.

We just needed a moment apart

to discover what was really important to us,

didn't we, my Pete?

Yes.

That certainly seems to be the case.

You all got your order of service?

Oh, yeah, Harry's got ours. Great.

All right, Pam? Pamela.

Dirtbox! How you doing? You all right?

All right, Mick?

You all right, mate? How are you?

Come on, we need to get our seats.

Yeah, we'll see you later. See you in a bit.

See you in a bit. Where are we sitting, boys?

Gav? Gavin? can I have a quick word? What's up?

Everything all right? Yes, yeah, just the kids. Nothing bad.

I think this is wrong, this.

Oh, don't start. Seriously, I think we've got to say something

cos it's not right, and we're all just going along with it.

Look, Stace, you've got to stop.

Are you saying you don't agree with me? Because I know you do.

And so does Pam. Babe, he's a grown man, OK?

He's made his choice. All we can do is support him.

But he's making a massive mistake, Gav,

and you need to say something before it's too late.

Right, we're not doing this, OK?

The day we got married, if someone told ME I was making a mistake,

I wouldn't have given it a second thought.

Because you are the love of my life

and wild horses wouldn't have stopped me marrying you that day.

So do you think Sonia is the love of Smithy's life, then?

Do you think he's the love of hers?

Stacey, we're going to take our seats and enjoy this wedding.

Gavin...! And...we're going to love and support our friend, OK?

I just... Do not say a word.

Seriously.

INSTRUMENTAL VERSION: Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

WHISPERS: Cheers, mate.

Thank you.

Hi!

You look amazing.

Why are you wearing those shoes?

What? Where are your proper shoes?

Oh...

The black ones that you chose were quite narrow.

You're going to have to change into the right ones for the photos.

Yeah. Of course.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't know that it was something that we had to...

Friends,

it's my privilege to welcome you all here

to celebrate the marriage of Neil and Sonia.

One of the perks of this job is standing here on days like this

and meeting couples who have fallen in love

and want to share that with their friends and family.

We talk a lot about love, don't we?

In songs and poems and films.

But nobody can really define what it is.

It's a mystery that cannot always be solved.

And why should it?

But today is not just about Neil and Sonia's commitment to one another.

It's also about your commitment, too -

your commitment as their friends and family to nurture and support them

and help them navigate the rest of their lives together.

Before Neil and Sonia make their vows to one another,

we're going to have some music from Neil's son, Neil the Baby.

HE PLAYS: Blackbird by The Beatles

# Blackbird singing in the dead of night

# Take these broken wings and learn to fly

# All your life

# You were only waiting for this moment to arrive

# Blackbird singing in the dead of night

# Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

# All your life

# You were only waiting for this moment to arrive

# Blackbird fly

# Blackbird fly

# Into the light of the dark black night

# Blackbird singing in the dead of night

# Take these broken wings and learn to fly

# All your life

# You were only waiting for this moment to arrive

# You were only waiting for this

# Moment to arrive. #

So if anyone knows of any just cause or impediment

why these two persons should not be joined in marriage,

please declare it now.

Don't even think about it.

So far, so good!

LAUGHTER

Do we have the rings, Gavin?

Thank you.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.

I've got to say something.

Oh, my Christ!

I don't... What's he doing? Is everything OK, Gavin?

I think you might be making a mistake and I should have

said something before and not just gone along with it and I'm sorry.

- Gavin, what's going on? - Sonia, I apologise.

I just don't think it's right

and I'm not the only one who thinks this.

There's a lot of us. Isn't there?

Great. Now you're all silent.

Mate, what are you doing?

This is highly irregular.

Just...just ignore him. He's an idiot. Gavin...

No, I must ask, Neil, would you like to continue?

Given that Gavin... Yes, of course he does. Christ!

Yes. Yeah. Yes, I want to continue. Right, very well.

Gavin's right, Smithy. Are you sure this is what you want?

I'm sorry, but I don't think it's right for either of you.

I agree, mate.

Till death us do part is a very long time.

You have to be absolutely certain.

Oh, my Pete!

OK, let's just stay calm and take a minute.

This is certainly a most unusual situation. I can't believe this.

And rather than turning it into a mass of vocal declarations,

I would now like to ask the congregation,

if you believe Neil and Sonia should not become husband and wife today,

could you please stand?

What are you doing? Are you insane?

MURMURING

WHISPERED: This is a nightmare.

MUSIC: Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

Neil and Sonia, would you like to... Just...just do the bloody vows.

I, Sonia, take you, Neil... Hang on. Wait.

Mick?

Sorry?!

Am I being pranked?

Is this a joke?

Are people actually saying that he shouldn't be marrying me? Hello?!

What's that supposed to mean? Come on, you said it yourself -

everyone tells you you're punching above your weight.

I don't say that - you do.

What does it matter? Look, the point is, we are getting married

and the sooner we do, the sooner we can get this lot out of our lives

and be happy. Just do the vows. I, Sonia, take you, Neil...

I don't think you love me.

What?!

I don't think I love you.

I don't think this is what love is.

I think we're just going along with it.

You ain't going to find better than me, Neil.

I already did. What?

Speak up.

I said I already did.

17 years ago in Leicester Square.

Bryn, what time does she leave? Who? Sorry, Smithy?

What time does her boat leave?

5:45.

From Southampton.

What boat?

I'm sorry, Sonia.

I wish you nothing but the best. I really do.

But, Gav,

we've got to go.

GAVIN: I really am so sorry!

Will you look after the kids? 'Course, yeah.

Smithy, get in the front. I can fit three more in the back.

Pete and Dawn have got the kids, Gav. Me and you are going.

But I want to be there. So do I! And me!

Mick, where's your car?

It's just over there but how are we going to stick together?

This is... There's an obvious solution to this.

I can take everyone on the bus. ALL: Yes.

No, thank you, David.

I knows the way! I does Southampton runs all the time for the cruises.

Plus I can go in a bus lane. Yeah, that's a great idea.

This is a matter for the family,

of which you, David Gooch, are simply not a member.

Now, if you please... We just need to get there really.

Oh, Bryn, swallow your pride, man.

Like it or not, I'm going to be a part of this family

for a very long time.

So you'd better get used to it.

Now, let me help.

Very well.

But I'm doing it for Nessa and this young lad - not for you two.

Right, let's go. OK, yeah, come on. Go, go, go, go, go.

Cheers, Dave.

# So soon we're, so soon we're

# So soon we're too old to carry

# And we knew we, and we knew we

# And we knew we... #

How far do you think she'll be from Southampton now?

I reckon she's an hour, tops.

This is all so exciting!

I know! I think I'm going to wet my pants!

Put your foot down, Dave!

# To have it all To have it all... #

Doing OK, mate? Yeah. Yeah, think so.

It's just...a lot to take in, that's all.

Well, I'm proud of you, darling.

Oh, look out!

Oh, no!

Oh.

HORNS BEEPING

Don't look good, I'm not going to lie.

Wh... What are we going to do?

Must be an accident, I reckon.

According to my Samsung Galaxy S5,

it's gridlock for the next couple of miles,

and Southampton Docks is over there.

You thinking what I'm thinking, Bryn?

Can she make it?

Only one way to find out.

Let's do this.

Hang on. Jason?

# And we knew we, and we knew we

# And we knew we only had a little while.

# In the middle, in the middle

# In the middle Just keep ticking over

# Before you know it Before you know it.

# Before you know it Parent, a parent

# Go back to where we came from

# Like those before and those to come

# And know it's the ever

# And the more... #

Dave, we should be over there.

I know, but I can't turn - I got no purchase.

If I turns, we topples.

Oh, my God! We're going to hit the hedge!

Floor it, Dave, floor it! Hold tight, everyone!

TYRES SCREECH

Well done, Dave! Well played! Well done!

Well handled, Dave.

Teamwork, Bryn!

Yeah, we might just bloody make it!

CHEERING

CHANTING: There's only one Dave's Coaches!

One Dave's Coaches!

There's only one Dave's Coaches!

SHIP HORN BLARES

Oh.

Mm.

Well, this is a sight for sore eyes.

All right, Clayton, how's it going, all right?

All right, Ness? Never thought we'd get you on the high seas again.

The boys are buzzing.

Got some of the old crew back - Baggy, Noggin.

What about Crusher?

Nah. Still inside.

Right. The sooner we get you registered,

the sooner we get under way.

Tidy.

# Love, if you're near

# Don't tell it like it is

# Cos I don't know how... #

You haven't got far to go.

I reckon you'd be quicker from here on foot.

Yeah, he's right. Come on.

Cheers for this, Dave.

No worries, mate. You go and get her, right?

I bloody love you, David Gooch.

And I loves you, sugar tits.

# Like signals on the coast

# And let it rage

# Like the end of everything

# In this epoch, in this age

# And if I've made a mess of everything... #

I don't even know where to begin.

Well, we know it's not a cruise ship.

BRYN: No, it'll be cargo. Where is it she's going? Maracas?

Carrasco.

Let's just find someone and ask them.

But hang on - if she's already on the ship

then it's too late, isn't it? Don't panic.

I am panicking, Michael.

I wasn't talking to you.

I'll try her on the mobile.

Hang on - why didn't we just call her in the first place?

That's a really good point, actually.

That didn't even cross my mind.

Come on. It's got to be this way.

There she is! Nessa!

Oh, Mick, I can't take the strain!

All right?

Oh, what's occurring?

All right... Go on, my son.

Five years ago, on Christmas Day, you asked me a question,

and I didn't answer you.

I know. And I've thought about it every day...

..and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I left you hanging.

I wasn't ready, I suppose, but I am now.

I guess what I'm saying is, ask me again.

Like, if you still feel that way...

..ask me that question again.

No.

What? I said no.

I only ever asks once.

You had your chance, never took it.

Nessa, wait!

Look, I don't know what it is, or why it is,

or when this thing that was nothing became something,

and right now is everything,

but it did.

And I know it's been messy and not perfect,

but that's because we're messy and not perfect.

But I love you, Nessa.

I always have.

I mean, not always, but most of the time.

And I get it.

You don't have to ask me.

I'll ask you.

Nessa...

..I love you.

Will you marry me?

I, Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins, take you...

Neil Noel Edmund Smith,

to be your lawful wedded husband.

From this day forward,

in sickness and in health.

For richer, for poorer.

Till death us do part.

Vanessa and Neil have exchanged their vows

in the presence of their family and friends,

which just leaves me to pronounce that they are now -

finally -

husband and wife.

Oh!

Crackin'.

You may now kiss the bride.

No. Sorry?

We don't kiss. Never have. Never will.

Just not something that we do.

Oh.

All right? Tidy.

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Go on, Nessa!

# Run, run like the wind

# Don't wait for a thing

# There is nothing here for you

# But if you stay

# Then let me say

# I'll go out of my way for you

# It's not like before

# I'll say no more

# Everyone else has said it for me

# A beautiful tree

# A beautiful tree

# It's a shame that the root of it's me

INAUDIBLE

# Sleep, sleep on the floor

# A knock on the door

# To tell me if you want some more

# I can't relate

# To what's on your plate... #

GAVIN: England and Wales, assemble.

OK. Photo time.

God, Gav, I can't believe it.

What?

Smithy and Nessa.

Who'd have thought?

I know.

Only took 'em 17 years.

Come on, Gav!

Come on, Stace! Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick!

CAMERA BEEPS

# Tell me tomorrow, I'll wait by the window for you

# I'll wait by the big house for you

# I'll wait by the squeeze-box for you

# I'll wait by your dresser for you. #