Original subtitles

[crowd cheering over tv]

- Oh, hey, guys.

Both: Yeah.

- Don't mind me.

I'm just gonna...Live here.

Hey, monkey. - Hey.

- Sorry I'm late. - Yep.

- I'd ask how your day was, but I just walked past

500 pounds of bad day on the couch.

- Yeah, and your father was in our yard today

With his metal detector.

- Oh, you're kidding.

Did he dig again?

- Yeah, four-foot hole. Found a nickel.

- Should sprinkle a roll of quarters out there.

He'll dig us a pool.

What else? What else happened?

- Oh, some kid on ally's bus has been picking on her.

Do you want two pieces of chicken or--

- Wait a minute. What?

Somebody's picking on ally?

- Oh, it's nothing. Some kid calling her names.

- Oh, no.

Well, what kind of names is he calling her?

- It's nothing. Kid stuff.

- Ohh... Kids are the worst.

All right, what bad thing rhymes with ally?

Pally? Crally? Schnally?

Finale?

- Yeah, ray, ray, ray.

- This is how bullies work, debra.

They find a word that rhymes with your name,

And then you're that until college.

Trust me, I grew up with the name raymond.

- What rhymes with raymond?

- How about "lame-mond gay-mond go away-mond"?

I still don't see the humor.

[jaunty piano music]

[dramatic music]

They're coming!

Choir: [singing] freude, schoener goetterfunken

Tochter aus elysium

Wir betreten feuertrunken

Himmlische, dein heiligtum

Deine zauber binden wieder

Was die mode streng geteilt

Alle mensch--

[electricity crackles]

[lock clicks]

[heart beating]

[metal squeaks]

Choir: [singing] freude, schoener...

- Guess what debra just told me.

- To come in here and flap your gums

When there's two minutes left in the game.

- Some kid's been bullying ally.

[tv clicks]

- What are you talking about?

Who? Who is it? Who's doing it?

- I don't know. I don't know.

Some older kid's picking on her,

Calling her names.

- Oh, boy.

At least ally's name

Doesn't rhyme with anything bathroom-related.

Unless...

[muttering to himself]

No, no, you're clear.

- This really bunches my shorts.

- What? You care?

- Hey, we're talking about my granddaughter here.

Of course I care.

- Yeah, like you cared when we got bullied.

"stop crying! People are looking at us."

- Yeah.

"these aren't my kids."

You never helped us.

- Ally's a girl, nancy.

- Deb, what's this about ally being picked on?

- Oh, she's fine.

It's just some boy on her bus.

- A boy? - All right.

Let's get him.

- Wait. What?

What? What do you mean?

- We'll figure something out in the car.

Let's roll.

- Yeah, I could run a check to see if the family

Has any outstanding warrants.

- Ray.

- Can't we even run a check?

- Listen, that's really nice,

But, you know, you guys don't have to saddle up

And form a posse.

- Debra doesn't get it.

- What? What don't I get?

- What it's like to be picked on.

- Oh, yeah. You were popular.

- Yeah, we know.

We know what a big deal this is to ally

'cause we went through it,

Especially on the bus.

- Oh, the bus. Wedgies, wet willies.

- Who's wet willie?

- They would wet their finger

And stick it in your ear.

It was chilling.

Get away with that there!

You're supposed to warn me when he's next to me.

- Why are you still here, frank?

You said you were coming across the street

To read the twins a bedtime story.

- I did.

And when hansel and gretel

Got away from the witch,

I got inspired and stayed here.

- Hey, ma, did you hear? Ally's being bullied.

- What? - Yeah, yeah.

Some kid named todd feeny.

- Feeny? Got it.

I'll take care of it.

- What do you mean?

Wait, wait, wait. Take care of it?

- I'll call his mother.

Don't worry. I'm very good at this.

- All right, wait. Listen, ally will be fine.

She's a very strong little girl.

- No, she's not. She's got arms like twigs.

- I didn't mean--

Look, I appreciate that you all care about her.

I do. But enough, really.

- Well, what are we supposed to do, nothing?

- Yes, ray, nothing.

How about we don't interfere

And let her live her own life?

Maybe we could set an example.

- An example for who?

- [giggling] - I know.

- Hey, ally.

Waiting for the bus? - Yeah.

- I didn't get a chance to say

"have a good day" before, you know,

With mommy all around, so I thought I'd come out here.

So have a good day, there.

- Okay. - Okay.

Hey, who is this? Todd feeny?

- No.

- Is this todd feeny?

- No.

- You know, now that I'm all the way out here,

Why don't I just wait for the bus with you?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Great. Good.

Waitin' for the old school bus.

I remember this.

Long time ago, though.

I remember waiting for the bus

To be invented.

That's how long ago that was.

You know what else I remember as a kid?

That not all the kids were nice.

- Bye, daddy. - Well, wait, ally.

I wanted to also tell you that--

Okay.

Bye, ally.

Have fun.

I love you!

Uhh! Ohh!

- Hey, I'm sorry. Did I get you?

- No, no, no. Not really.

Hi, I'm, uh...

I'm ally's dad, ray.

- Nice to meet you. I'm dottie.

- Hi.

Nice-looking ride you got here.

- Thanks.

You need something?

- Yeah--no, no.

I just wanted to say good morning.

And, oh, one thing.

I-I heard something about a little problem

Between ally and another child.

- Oh, yeah, right.

- Okay, great. Good.

I just wanted to make sure

That you were aware of the situation.

- I am.

- Okay, okay, good.

- Do you want to ride with us today?

- Oh...

No.

No, no. No.

No, no, yeah? Yeah?

- Behind the white line.

- Hi, honey.

- What are you doing?

- Going for a ride.

Hey. Hi, there.

You mind if I sit with you?

- Saved.

- What?

- Saved.

- Oh.

Oh, okay. Fair enough.

Is this saved also?

Okay, look. Is that allowed, 'cause--

- I can't drive until everyone's seated.

- She won't let me.

So...

Another day, huh?

Another day, right?

Yeah, school sucks.

Like, math, give me a break.

When are you ever gonna use that?

How about never?

Hey, uh,

Do you know which-- which kid is todd feeny?

Hello.

Look...How about--

How about I give you a dollar

If you tell me which one todd is.

Thank you.

You had your chance, missy.

- Did you fail the sixth grade

Like a thousand times or something?

[kids giggling]

- No.

[kids chattering]

Okay, well, thanks for letting me ride along.

Kind of wish there had been some bullying

So I could have put a stop to it.

- Oh, she would never do anything with you on the bus.

- She?

No, I'm talking about todd feeny.

- Todd feeny?

All he's ever done

Is defend his little sister judy.

- What?

- Ally's been picking on judy feeny.

- Ally? My ally?

Ally barone?

- Yeah.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This one?

The little ballerina there?

- Yeah, yeah. They're all angels.

- Are you sure that it's ally making the trouble, 'cause...

You know, if you're looking in that mirror,

Everything's reversed.

- Judy feeny wears these big thick glasses,

And your little ally says she looks like an owl.

- Okay, well...

- So she, uh, hoots at her.

And she goes,

"judy hootie, she's got cooties."

- Oh.

Oh.

- The kids like to find a word

That rhymes with someone's name,

And when they do, they just never let up.

- I know. I know.

- Hey. - Hey.

I thought you left for work

Without kissing me good-bye.

- I rode the bus to school today with ally.

- You did? - Yes.

And ally's the bully. - What?

- Well, dottie told me--

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Dottie?

- The bus driver. Take an interest.

Anyway, she told me

That ally's been picking on

This little girl with big glasses,

Calling her an owl.

Judy hootie. Rhyming.

- Huh.

- That's your reaction to, "your daughter's a bully"?

"huh?"

- No.

It's not right, and I'll talk to her.

- That's it?

You seem pretty laissez-faire about this.

- Laissez-faire.

She's just being a kid.

That's what kids do, honey.

- No, no, not all kids.

Not me. Not robert.

Not little judy hootie,

Who's been accused of having cooties.

- I think you're overreacting.

- I don't think you know your daughter.

Yeah, yeah.

Cute little face, blonde hair--

That's her cover.

Right?

She seems harmless. Okay, yeah.

She's like the fish

That disguises itself as a rock, you know,

And then you swim by...

Rrrahhh!

- She's a normal kid, ray.

- No, normal kids don't pick on other kids.

- What?

What are you talking about?

You were a kid. You know.

The bus, the playground.

Those are all tough places.

- Well, it turns out they weren't so tough

Until she showed up.

- Oh... Please, ray.

- Oh, that's right. Just walk away.

You know, I don't like to point a finger, but...

She's this way because of you.

- Excuse me?

- That's right. You heard me.

You're the role model for her, not me.

I'm not the woman here.

- Oh, no?

- Ah, see? Right there.

That's what I'm talking about.

That attitude, that smarty-pants,

Stick up for yourself,

Don't take any crap from anybody--

- So you're accusing me of teaching my daughter

To be self-confident.

- That's right.

Every jerk I ever met was self-confident.

- Yeah. Not every jerk.

Listen, I know the idea of being independent

Is very different than the way your mother raised you--

- Hey, hey, hey.

Never mind what my mother did, okay?

At least I didn't turn out pushy and mean like...

- What?

Me?

You think I'm pushy and mean?

- You want to push me right now, don't you?

- Yeah, you'd probably tattle.

- Wow, I'll tell you,

It's a good thing we didn't know each other when we were little,

'cause I wouldn't have liked you.

- I wouldn't have liked you either, okay?

- Yeah, yeah, standing in your little groups at school,

Making fun of the kid

Whose mom showed up with his snow pants.

- [laughing] snow pants.

- There was a good chance of snow.

See? You--you're bringing ally

Into the family business.

Debra barone's ass-kicking incorporated.

Pushing people down since 1972.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's better than working at ray's house of wuss.

You want her to be totally dependent on you.

- No, I don't. - You rode her bus today!

- So--yeah, and you taught her to be self-confident,

And now she's hanging kids out the bus window by their ankles.

- I told you that I would talk to her

About picking on that little girl

When she gets home.

- No, you don't talk to her. You'll spin it.

I'll talk to her.

- Don't you have to go to work or...Someplace?

- Yeah, yeah, and you can forget about the kiss good-bye.

- Oh, no. What'll I do?

- You'll miss it, baby.

- Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey, lame-mond gay-mond go away-mond.

- Bully!

You bully!

- Relax. Relax.

- Debra, debra, lovely wife,

Why am I stuck with you for life?

- Sounds like you've had that one for a while.

- Maybe. Why? What?

You want one off the top of my head?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You're a stupid idiot stinker b.M.!

- Ally?

- What are you doing?

Trying to get to her before I can?

- [scoffs] no.

What are you doing looking outside?

- I was looking-- for your information--

There's a shrubbery...

Thief going around.

Aw, crap.

- Hi, we were just on our way to the market, and I--

What's wrong?

- Nothing. What do you mean?

- I sense tension and anger.

- Maybe you're picking up your own scent.

- We're fine, marie.

- Raymond?

- Ally's the one that's been bullying the kids on the bus.

- Oh, my...

- Oh, yeah?

Good for her.

What did she do?

- Never mind. And it's not good.

- Hey, there you are.

Hey, tiger!

- All right, frank, frank.

Honey, I need you to come over here

And sit down for a minute.

- Al-ly! Boom-ba-yay!

Al-ly! Boom-ba-yay!

- Stop it, frank.

Honey, have you been picking on other children?

- Oh, marie.

- Ally, dottie told me

That you've been making fun of judy feeny.

- Why were you on my bus today?

- Because...

Daddy loves you very much.

- Yecchh.

- All the kids were making fun of me

On the ride home.

- Which ones? Give me their names.

- Look what you did.

- They were making fun of you?

- Yes, they kept saying,

"baby ally and her dorky daddy."

- [laughing] you're dorky daddy.

- Honey, I'm sorry.

Look, I was just trying--

I didn't know--

- Do I have to ride on the bus tomorrow?

- Look, sweetie, in a couple of days,

Those kids will forget about it,

And they'll move on to something else.

- I'm gonna make up a mean song about judy.

- Oh, honey, we don't sing mean songs.

- All right. Marie...Please.

Ally, now, I know I told you to stick up for yourself.

- But--but--

- Yeah, so I'm gonna make fun of judy hootie,

And then all the other kids will laugh at her.

- You're doing a good job with her.

- Honey, we need to talk. Okay?

- Okay. You want to?

- No, you go ahead. You were right.

You should do it.

- Okay.

Um...

Okay, honey.

You see, you saw today

That it's not fun to get picked on, right?

And, um, you know,

There are a lot of bad kids out there,

And--and you should stop being one.

- Don't say that! - What?

- You just said she was--

She was a bad kid.

- I did not! - Yes, you did.

You just said-- - all right, fine.

There are a lot of great kids out there,

And you should try to be like them.

- All right, ray, stop.

What daddy's trying to say--

- You don't have to interpret for me.

What mommy is trying to say--

- Ray.

- See? You don't like it.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say, ally?

There's a kind of fish that looks like a rock.

- Oh, ray, would you stop? My god.

- Do you think I'm bad?

- Oh--no! - No, no.

- We're bad. We're the bad ones.

- No, no! Not that.

- I'm just-- - you don't say that!

- I'm saying she's not bad.

- Read a book once in a while.

- Oh, read a book, yeah.

I make a living.

That's why I don't read a book.

- All right, all right, enough.

Listen, sweetie, what you did to judy was bad.

Now, daddy and I...

See, the--the thing is...

- You want me to be nice?

- Well, no. - Yes! Yes!

We want you to be nice.

- Yes, great. Yes, nice.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. Good. - Yeah.

- Can I go downstairs and watch tv?

- Sure. - Yeah.

- You go ahead. - Yeah, go.

Go watch tv. Have some fun.

- Nice. Be nice.

- Be a nice little girl.

- Hey, nice. See that?

Came up with that all by herself.

- Well, not really. - What?

What? She just came up with it.

- Oh, come on, "be nice," that's my whole thing.

- Idiot.

- See?

Aw, I feel sorry for you.

[both laughing]

Ah...That's a good one.

- Yeah. All right, all right.

Here's one you can use.

Debra, debra, real good-lookin',

Never want to try her cookin'.

- Ha-ah, ah-ah.

That's a good one. Is that yours?

- I made it up right now.

- Hey, what are you guys doing?

- Hi. Nothing.

How are you? How are you?

- Good.

- Let's do one about her butt.