All language subtitles for So long (1971)

Hey.

This is the place
I was telling you about.

Twelve pounds of sugar.

Three cans of malt.

Twelve kegs of yeast.

What did you say?

Twelve kegs of yeast.

When are you gonna
get that tooth fixed?

Every time you speak
you make a funny noise.

It sounds like a pipe organ.

One dozen packages of hops.

And three crux.

Now, let's see.

Now for $8.06 we can
make 15 gallons.

But we can't drink 15 gallons.

What we can't drink, we can sell.

Come on.

- Hello, Warren.
- Hello, John.

How's everything?

Pretty busy.

Got a couple of fish for you.

Oh. Well, so long.

- So long.
- See you later.

Bye, guard.

Well, it's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.

What do you mean,
I got you into?

Well, you sold that policeman
that bottle of beer, didn't you?

I didn't know he was a policeman.

I thought he was
a streetcar conductor.

Hey, come over here.

What's your name?

Stanley Laurel.

Say, sir, when you're addressing me.

Now what's your name?

Sir, Stanley Laurel. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

He can't help that, sir.
It's a loose tooth, sir.

Yeah?

Oh, we'll be seeing to that.

What's your name?

Oliver Norvell Hardy.

Sir.

A couple of beer barons, eh?

All right, Shields. Frisk 'em.

Okay.

GUARD: All right. Get in the wards.

Come on.

Come on, let's go.

Smile.

Next.

Psst.

Smile.

Fine.

Come on.

If they turn out good,
can I have one?

Come on, get out of here.

Come on.

Hey, you.

Fall in.

Clowning, eh?

Let's go.

The new men are here, sir.

My, my.

And still they come.

Let us begin
with a perfect understanding.

I am just as sorry to see you here
as you are to be here.

Keep one thing in mind.

It all depends on you yourselves

just how you're going to fare
during your stay here.

Never forget that this is a prison.

And in a prison
all rules must be obeyed.

Discipline is the one thing
that must be observed.

If you are good prisoners,
everything will be okay.

If you are not,

if you break the rules,

then it will be
just plain hell on Earth.

Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

- Please, sir, it was his...
- Shut up, you...

Put 'em in cell 14.

But, not in with The Tiger, sir!

- Put them in cell 14!
- Yes, sir.

Get them out of here
before I lose my temper.

Talking to the warden like that!

A fine piece of business.

Convicts talking to the warden.

Why, I'll take those men,
I'll break 'em.

I'll put 'em in cell 14!
I don't care who's in there!

What I'll do with them.

Upstairs.

This way.

PRISONER: Hello there, buddy.

Shut up!

Okay.

What?

Amos 'n Andy.

Hello, squirt.

Hello. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

All right, inside.

Come on, inside!

I said, "Hello, squirt."

Hello.

- I'm sorry, sir, but that was his...
- Sit down!

What are you doing there?

Keep off of my head!

Pardon me, I'm a stranger here.

Put 'er there!

You're the first guy that ever had
the nerve to raspberry The Tiger.

I like a guy that does that.

What are you in for?

We're a couple of beer barons.

Hey, shut up!

Hey, you and me is gonna be good pals.

Thank you. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Hey, I heard you the first time.

Now, don't take advantage
of my good humour. If you do...

What's going on in there?

Hey. Oh. (CHUCKLES)

It's the fish.

Just a little nervous, I guess.

One more peep
and I'll through you in the hole.

Steady in there.

Go to bed.

Okay.

- Hey, pipe down there. Pipe down.

Good morning, pupils.

ALL: Good morning, teacher.

Ah

Good morning to you
Good morning to you

Good morning, dear teacher
Good morning to you

Very, very good.

Now, once more.

Good morning to you
Good morning to you

Good morning, dear play-mates
Good morning to you

In as much as you are new pupils,
I'll excused that.

But I'll have no playing in my class.

Now, the first lesson this morning
will be a...

A-ha!

A-ha!

Sit down!

Ah

Good morning to you
Good mo...

Uh, we will now have the roll call.

Uh, those that are here
will answer, "present."

Those that are not here
will say, "absent."

We shall now have
an intelligence test.

- Who was Columbus?
- The mayor of Ohio.

- What did he do?
- He died.

Why, of course he died.

- Who killed him?
- Cock Robin.

Who said that?

I did.

Correct.

What is a blizzard?

A blizzard?

A blizzard is the inside of a buzzard.

Hmm, fresh, huh?

How many times
does three go into nine?

Three times.

Correct.

And two left over.

(CHUCKLING)

- What are you laughing at?
- There's only one left over.

D'oh!

Listen, you spell, "Needle."

N-E-I-D-L-E.

There is no "I" in needle.

Then it's a rotten needle.

Who did that?

If I find out who did it,
they'll stand in the corner.

Now.

What is a comet?

You.

Comet.

A comet is a star with a tail on it.

Right.

Hmm. Name one.

Rin Tin Tin.

D'oh!

Just for that,
you'll stay after school.

Now, let me hear
what I taught you yesterday.

Fourteen, 14, nine, nine.

Fourteen, fourteen, seven, seven.

TEACHER: Very good, very good.

All right, inside.

Not you.

This is your suite.

Have you got the time?

LAUREL: Ollie.

HARDY: What?

LAUREL: I wonder how long
we're going to be in here.

HARDY: Oh, about two months, I guess.

LAUREL: Gee, that's a month a piece.

HARDY: A month a piece.

Well, you can take it
from me,

when I get out of here,
I'm going back on the farm.

Boy, there's a life.

I can see it now.

Rows and rows of sweetcorn
swaying in the breezes.

Honeybees buzzing in the clover.

And the smell
of new mown hay in the air.

- Ollie.
- What?

LAUREL: Did you say
you can see all that?

HARDY: Why, certainly.

LAUREL: That's funny. I can't
see a thing, it's dark in here.

HARDY: Haven't you
got any imagination?

Can't you imagine us
growing strawberries and raspberries?

LAUREL:
Well, I don't like raspberries.

HARDY: Well, we'll grow watermelons.

Sun-kissed watermelons.

Why, we'll plant acres
and acres of watermelon.

Well, we'll have
more than what we can eat.

LAUREL: Yeah, and what we can't eat,
we can sell.

HARDY: Well, just for that,
I won't take you with me.

LAUREL: (WEEPY VOICE)
Oh, don't leave me alone...

GUARD: (SHOUTING) That's it!
Go to sleep, you guys!

Hey, listen.
This looks like our big day.

Ah, what's the use? They've doubled
the guards on the gates.

We'll never get through.

Well, it's now or never.

If we don't take a chance now,
how we gonna find out?

Look, they're opening the gate.

See, now's our chance.

Oh, wait. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Mitch, I've got an idea.

I'll find out what's
outside of them gates.

Hey!

Hello, pal.

- Hey, pal.
- Hello, pal D.

- Hi.
- Hello, buddy.

Hello, pal, come over here.

- Hello, buddy.
- Well, well, well.

Where you guys been?

We been down in the hole.

- Solitary confinement.
- Yeah?

- All right.

Well, what's wrong, man?

It's The Tiger.
They've made a clean break.

They've got those
two new fish with him.

They are the one in star hammer.

Call out every available man.

Patrol every inch of ground.
North, south, east and west.

Call up every police station
within a radius of 50 miles.

Get in touch
with the Sheriff's office.

And better hop to it.

Well, we captured The Tiger's gang.
We got them right away.

We caught 'em
down the old stone quarry

and took them without a shot.

- But...
- What?

Well, it's those two new fish,
they got away and not a sign of them.

Why, they disappeared as if the earth
had completely swallowed them.

Well, don't worry about
those two babes in the woods.

Use the bloodhounds.

Those hounds never fail.

Why they'll trail them so straight,
it'll be a cinch.

Those hounds are ferocious.
They're killers.

I'd like to see their faces
when they hear those hounds.

- Now, hop to it.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Call it a day!

They'll never recognise us
in 100 years.

For once in your life
you hit up on a good idea.

A practical idea.

Say, what about the tooth?
The buzzer.

Oh, I fixed that too.
I vulcanised it.

- You what?
- I vulcanised it.

I put some chewing gum in there
and it don't buzz any more.

You're actually using your brain.

That's what comes
from associating with me.

- What do you mean associa...
- Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut.

- Tut-tut-tut-tut.

Come on, here,
you always dragging behind.

Come here.

Now, come on, let's go.

Come on, here now,
let's go.

Come on. That's the way.

Go on.

I'm going to name this one Oliver.

Sing it, boy.

I'm gonna ride
- Gonna ride that train

I mean, that Southbound
passenger train

I'm gonna buy me a ticket
Just as long as my arm

I'm gonna ride that train, babe
all night long

I'm gonna ride
- Gonna ride that train

I mean, that Southbound
passenger train

You go choo, choo ride the train

- All aboard
- Bye, Birmingham

- Got a letter from a jazz band
- I love it, babe

- In Birmingham
- Gotta love it

- Got a letter from jazz band
- I love it, babe

In Birmingham

Well, she dressed so neat
And she looked so sweet

And when she walked
she'll take you off your beach

She is a finer

Red hot
- From Birmingham

- That's her
- That's her

That's jazz by me
That big, big Southern Jack

Well, the first thing you do
is take a shovel and the coal

Put your head out the window
watch the drivers go

- That's her
- That's her

That's jazz by me
That big, big Southern Jack

Ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh

All aboard, bye, Birmingham

Lazy moon

Come out soon

Make my poor heart be warmer

Light the way
Bright as day

For my sweet little charmer

Now she's to meet me
in the lane tonight

If the sky is bright and clear

Oh moon, don't keep me
waiting here tonight

Watchin' and a-waiting

Heart a-palpitating

Longing for my little lady love

Lazy moon, lazy moon

Why don't you show your face
upon the hill?

Lazy moon

Come out soon

You can make me happy if you will

Now when my lady sees
your face a-peeping

A-peeping

Then I know a promise
you'll be keeping

A keeping

Tell me what's the matter
are you sleepin'

Lazy moon

Lazy moon

Lazy moon

Why don't you
show your face upon the hill?

Lazy moon
Come out soon

You can make me happy if you will

Now when my lady
sees your face a-peeping

Then I know a promise
you'll be keeping

Tell me what's the matter
Are you sleepin'

Lazy moon?

I don't know what's the matter.

Why, Father, I wouldn't know.

'Course this would have to happen

when I'm due back
at the prison at noon.

Well, I'll see
if I can locate the trouble.

Do you know anything
about an automobile?

Yes, ma'am.

I wonder if you'd give us a hand.

We'd be very glad to.

Something went wrong with the car.

Have you got any tools, lady?

Yes, they're under the back seat.

Just a minute.

Ow!

What's... What's goin' on here?

Oh, Daddy. I'm so sorry.

These two men are going
to help us with the car.

All right.

I'll keep my head
out of the way this time.

No!

He doesn't know us.

Uh, now, let's see, uh...

The carburettor now.

No, must be the generator.

No, it can't.

Ah, the spark plug.
Now, let's see.

Let's see...

(SCREAMS)

Get your hands off of it.

Get under the car
and see if this works.

I'll do it.

Why don't you look up, girl?

Why, Dad.

We're out of gas.

Well, no wonder it wouldn't run.

Hey, Oliver. Uh, Sambo.

They're out of gas.

Well, there we are.

Now.

Well, thank you, boys.

Here's my card.

Anytime you're up my way, drop in.

You can work for me anytime.

- Goodbye, boys.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Let's walk around
and see if we know anybody.

I was born in Michigan

And I wish and wish again

That I was back
in the town where I was born

The town where I was born

There's a farm in Michigan

And I'd like to fish again

In the river that flows

Beside the fields of waving corn

A lonesome soul am I

And here's the reason why

I want to go back, I want to go back

I want to go back to the farm

Far away from harm

With a milk pail on my arm

There's a farm in Michigan

And I'd like to fish again

In the river that flows

Beside the fields of waving corn

A lonesome soul am I

And here's the reason why

I want to go back, I want to go back

I want to go back to the farm

Far away from harm

With a milk pail on my arm

I miss the rooster
the one that use-ter

Wake me up at 4:00 am

4:00 am

I think your great big city's
very pretty

Nevertheless, I want to be there

I want to see there
a certain someone full of charm

See charming

That's why I wish again
that I was in Michigan

Down on the farm

Down on the farm

MAN: Hey, fellas,
how about another one?

Down on the farm.
That's the life.

That was fine, boys.

It sure was.

What did you say?

That's a loose tooth, sir,
that does that.

Oh, this.

That should be attended to.

Yes, sir. As soon as I get out,
I'm gonna have it fixed.

Do you know that song about
the Yanks are coming?

Come on.
We're gonna yank that tooth.

Come on.

Come on.

All right, I'll take you now.

Come on.

There's another customer for you.
Fix him up.

Okay.

Hey, Rosebud.

Sit down.

I sneaked in.

- Ollie.
- What?

I'm scared.

Why, there's nothing to be afraid of.
I'll stay right with you.

Come on, you're next.

- No, no, no, Doctor.
- Come on. Come on.

You won't hurt me, will you, Doctor?

But you won't hurt me,
will you, Doctor?

You won't hurt me!

Don't think about it.

All right, Rosebud.

Not him. You.

Come on, sit down.

Do you mind if I have
my friend in here with me?

Okay.

Ow!

Ah, stop your playing.

Which one is it?

This one.

- Does it hurt?
- Uh-uh.

Then what are you
having it pulled for?

It's only loose.
It buzzes.

- It buzzes?
- Yes, sir. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Okay, sit down.

Upper left molar, Doctor.
He says it buzzes.

Okay.

Sit down.

(WHIMPERS)

I'm scared.

Why, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Sit down.

Whoever heard of a dentist
hurting you these days.

Why, you won't even feel it.

You won't feel it, but how about me?

How about those other fellas?

They were only laughing.

You know, there are times
when you try my patience.

There's nothing to it.

It's all in your mind.

Now just sit back and (EXHALES) relax.

Why they could pull every tooth
in my head,

and I wouldn't even feel it.

Why didn't you tell him?

I thought you were laughing.

Say, what are you all weepin' about?
Didn't I get the right tooth?

You got the right tooth
but the wrong man.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Steady.
I'll get the right one.

You see, it didn't hurt a bit, did it?

Not a bit. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Listen.

Everything is okay.

Now, don't get nervous
when the time comes.

Hey, I ain't nervous.

- I'll go right now...
- Hey, wait a minute.

Back up dumbbell.
You wanna kill everything?

Tiger's plotting again, is he?

How did you find it out?

We overheard those two new fish
talking it over in the yard.

We've got 'em outside now.
Do you wanna see them?

No, I have no time to bother with 'em.

So, The Tiger and his gang
are at it again, eh?

I've no time to question
those two fish now.

I'll tell you what to do.

Double the guard on the front gate.

Put more men on the wall.

Pull a guard around the yard.

Telephone the governor.
We may need the militia.

Turn your biggest guns
on the front gate.

That's where
we're gonna need the most.

So they wanted a showdown, did they?

They wanted a fight
to a finish, did they?

But by the living Lucifer,
they're going to get it.

Go on now.
Now, hop to it.

Hey, what's the big idea?

We're just in conference.

Well, do your conferring
down at the mess hall. Fall in.

We're not going to the mess hall.
We're not going to eat.

You're not going to eat.

No, we're on a hunger strike.

Emphatically.

GUARD: What?

You're going to pass up
that nice big roast turkey?

With chestnut dressing,

and sweet potato Southern style.

Great big pans of hot biscuits,

strawberry shortcake
smothered in whipped cream,

sprinkled with powdered sugar,

with a nice, big maraschino cherry
on the top of it.

Course, followed by a nice, big slice
of ice-cold watermelon

and a big, black cigar.

Any nuts?

GUARD: All you can eat of them.

How about postponing
the strike until tomorrow?

Well... But not one minute
after tomorrow.

GUARD: Come on, fall in.

Find yourself a seat down there.

Hey!

What about that turkey dinner?

- Sit down, you.

Haven't we had bad luck enough
without you spilling the salt?

Make a wish and throw some
over your left shoulder.

Psst. Psst.

Hey, what happened upstairs?

You're going to get it.

The warden's gonna fix you.

- Huh?

And he said...

They squealed on us, the dirty rats.

Yeah.

But I'll get 'em.

I'll see we'll get 'em.

- After dinner.
- I got you.

We're free.

And nobody knows where we are.

Let's go.

Let's get in here.

You dirty double crosser.

Wait.

Oh!

Please come back.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey!

Help! Save me!

House is on fire.

Help.

Fire.

Come on, we don't have
time for rescue.

Save me. Save me.

Wait there.

Help! Save me.

Help us!

Fire.

Save me.

Help.

Help. Fire.

Help! Fire!

- Ah.

Why do you want to fire
that gun in mess hall for?

They get the message already.

Tiger!

- Tiger!
- What do you want?

- Look, what I got.
- Oh, sweet.

Oh, great.

Now we can make our getaway
through the left wing.

Come on.
Let's get them.

Why don't you behave?

The dirty double crosser.

He tried to warn them.

My boys.

And you are my boys.

I hold in my hands
the pardons for both of you.

This is the state's gesture in showing
its appreciation of your bravery.

It was the firing of the signal shots
in the mess hall

that saved us from a disaster
of cataclysmic dimensions.

Thank you, sir.

Now, go.

Begin life anew.

Forget this.

Let this episode here
be just a hiatus...

To be obliterated from your memory.

And don't forget that I'm your friend.

Anything that I can do
to help you start where you left off,

call on me at any time.

Thank you.

We'll start all over again.

We certainly will.

Can we take your order
for a couple of cases?

Why you...

Hey, Charlie. Your lawyer's here
with the bail money.

Tell him I ain't in.

You're what?

You heard me.
Tell him I ain't in.

That man with the pencil
is the real star of this picture.

He was a writer-
many kinds of a writer:

A social critic, a humorist
and a technician.

His name was
William Sidney Porter...

but you'll remember him
by his pen name.

That's part of our language now-
O. Henry...

I'm a writer too.
My name is John Steinbeck.

I've always believed that
a writer should be read, not seen.

But O. Henry's dead.
He can't speak for himself.

I wonder if he would
if he could.

Remember O. Henry.'s safecracker,
Jimmy Valentine?

Little boys still want to grow up to be like
the Cisco Kid, the Robin Hood of the West.

Our folklore is full of O. Henry. -
his courage and his gaiety and his people.

He wrote so many good stories,
it's hard to choose.

- Here's one in point.

- The Cop and the Anthem. You wanna hear it?

When wild geese
honk high of nights...

and ladies without fur coats
grow kind to their husbands...

then you may know
that winter is near at hand...

and that the time has come to resolve oneself
into a Committee of Ways and Means...

to provide against
the coming rigors.

Lf, in addition, one is a denizen
of the city's parks...

like our good friend
Soapy here...

the need is not only great, but a state
of real emergency may be said to exist.

Yes, Officer. Certainly.

At once.

Good morning,
>Mr. Throckmortonl

Ah, good morning,
Truesdale.

- Kind of chilly, ain't it?
- Bracing, my boy. Bracing.

Have you made any plans
for the winter yet, Mr. Throckmorton?

- You may call me Soapy, Horace.
- Thank you, sir. Have you?

- Naturally.
- You ain't thinkin' of going to jail again, are ya?

- And why not?
- Because jails ain't what they used to be.

They're lettin' 'em
run down something awful.

They say almost anybody
can get in 'em nowadays.

My dear fellow, you must not listen
to every rumor you hear.

From long experience,
l can assure you that our fair city boasts...

of no finer institution
than its penal system.

What is more to the point, I am a man
of simple, if discriminating, tastes.

Three months in jail,
safe from wind and snow...

and the bludgeons
of the blue-coated minions of the law.

Good morning, Officer.
Three months, I say...

uh, of assured bed, board
and congenial company...

at the city's expense
are all that I ask of life.

I don't know, Soapy.
To me, jail's jail.

I'm, uh, considering
Florida myself.

Florida, that crass, unspeakable place,
the Coney Island of the tropics?

Fit only for millionaires and reluctant
witnesses? No, my friend.

For 15 years now,
a hospitable, luxurious...

well-heated cell has been
my winter quarters.

I would not swap one night
of it for a full season at Palm Beach.

A fellow was telling me
that these people run...

some nice places downtown
for dependents like us.

Charity? No, thank you. I'll take
the law over philanthropy any day.

For every benefit received
at the hands of charity, one must pay-

If not in coin, at least in humiliation
of spirit.

For every bed,
there is the toll of a bath.

Nor, may I add,
does the law insist on prayer...

morning, noon and night.

How are you going
to work it this year, Soapy?

Oh, there are devious ways,
my friend.

Wait here.

- Say, look here! That's my umbrella!
- Oh, it is, is it?

- Yes, l-
- Suppose you call a policeman and tell him that.

Go on. Call him.

There's one
at the corner.

Why don't you call him
and tell him I took your umbrella?

- If you don't, I will. Officer-
- I'm sorry, but you know how these things happen.

I picked it up in a restaurant this morning,
by mistake, of course.

If you recognize it as your umbrella,
l hope you'll excuse me.

Dirty crook.

There are other ways, my friend, one of these
being first to satisfy the inner man.

Shall we go?

No, no, no. Ah.

What are you gonna order,
Soapy?

How 'bout some, uh, roast mallard duck
to begin with...

accompanied by a bottle of Chablis wine,
provided the year and vintage are right.

- Duck for breakfast?
- Breakfast, by all means.

After which, perhaps, uh, a Camembert,
coffee and, unquestionably, a cigar.

Under the circumstances, I would think
a dollar cigar would be just about right.

A whole dollar
for one cigar?

My dear fellow, upon such occasions as this,
one cannot afford to be niggardly.

Wait for me there
on the curb.

- Yes, sir?
- Cigar, please.

- Yes, sir. Any particular brand, sir?
- Your best.

Yes, sir.

- Enjoy your breakfast, sir?
- The duck was slightly overdone.

I do suggest you speak
to your chef about that.

- Oh, yes, sir. Certainly, sir.

- It's inferior. Is this your choice brand?
- Yes, sir.

- It is?
- Allow me, sir.

- Will there be anything else, sir?

- Just my check, please.
- Yes, sir. The check.

Yes, sir.
Check coming up.

It may interest you
to know, my good man...

that I and the minutest
coin of the realm are total strangers.

- Uh, how's that?
- I said I was broke.

Don't just stand there with your adenoids
showing. Go and call a cop.

- What's the matter?
- He says he isn't going to pay for it.

- He hasn't got any money.
- No money?

No money.

- Come on, you-
- Come on, you thief!

- What do you think, coming in here-

Oh! What are you
doing to that man?

- He- He hasn't any money.
- After eating everything on the menu too.

- Is this true?
- They neglected to add...

that I also ordered
a dollar cigar.

Although I must say that any resemblance
between it and tobacco is purely coincidental.

- A cop will know what to do with his kind.
- Never mind. Let him go.

- Let him go?
- You heard what I said. It's on the house.

- You stay out of this. Nobody asked your opinion.
- Poor devil's probably starving.

Get him outside as quietly as you can.
I don't want any trouble.

Trouble? You don't want
any trouble?

Listen, you nincompoop.
I don't want any of your charity.

I am a citizen.
I stand on my constitutional rights!

I insist on being arrested.
Do you understand me? Arrested!

- Outside!
- No! You can't do this to me!

Have me arrested, you dogs!
Have me arrested!

- Soapy!

- What happened?
- I've been double-crossed.

- Are you hurt?
- Physically, no.

- Didn't work, eh?
- Due to circumstances beyond my control, no.

However,
I'm not discouraged.

Two battles lost does not mean
that the war is lost.

It only means that some other way than
through the stomach must be thought of.

- Shall we leave this loathsome neighborhood?
- Take this with you!

- Are you hurt?
- No, thank you.

Gosh. Your umbrella.
Are you all right?

I ought to report you
for this banana.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

- What was that?
- Call the police!

- Police!

- Who threw it there?
- I did.

- Which way did he go?
- There! There he goes!

- Hold that man!
- Hey, wait a minute. I did it!

Hey, come backl
l did itl

I did it!

E-Excuse me.
You forgot this.

Good afternoon, my dear.

Aren't you a little lonely
window-shopping all by yourself?

Wouldn't you prefer
to come and play in my backyard?

Sure, I don't mind,
if you buy me a drink.

How's dear cousin Fanny?

L-I'm afraid, my dear,
there's been a mistake.

Mistake?
What kind of mistake?

- I owe you an apology.
- Apology for what?

For allowing you to think that I might buy
you a drink. That's quite impossible.

I haven't got
a dime to my name.

- Hey, what is this? You trying to kid me?
- Not in the least, my dear.

I'm only trying to undo
the wrong I've done you-

A wrong committed, I might add,
for reasons that your young...

and inexperienced mind
couldn't possibly understand.

Since my means are limited,
l can only ask your pardon...

perhaps persuade you to accept,
as a token of my regard...

the last, uh, valuable left to me
from a once formidable estate.

My compliments to a charming
and delightful young lady.

What's going on here?
What's happening?

He called me a lady.

Think of it. Thousands of them swinging
their blasted clubs...

walking their blasted beats...

doing nothing but eat up
the taxpayers' money.

All day long I've flaunted the law
in their faces...

and not a one of them-
not a single one, mind you-

Has lifted a little finger
to prevent it.

I've a good mind to write
to my congressman.

You going to the park
again tonight, Soapy?

Where else can I go?

There isn't any hurry.

Listen to the music.

I seem to remember that tune
from somewhere.

No? Well, this might be
a country churchyard...

such as I knew
in my youth...

in the days when life contained such things
as mothers and roses...

ambition and friends,
immaculate thoughts...

and Little Lord Fauntleroy
collars.

Let's go in for a moment
and enjoy the peace.

- Me?

The front door is open
The invitation is obvious.

- What's the matter, Soapy?

Ain't you feeling
good, Soapy?

Hey, maybe tomorrow
will be different.

Maybe if you was to try
somewhere else...

like Central Park maybe
or Wall Street.

There'll be no tomorrow-
at least no tomorrow as you imagine it.

That phase of my life
has ended.

You sure you
feeling good, Soapy?

Maybe if you was to go back
and sit down again.

It isn't my body that's sick.
It's my soul.

For the first time
in my life...

I've viewed the horrible pit
into which I've tumbled-

The degraded days,
unworthy desires...

dead hopes, wrecked faculties,
base motives...

that have made up my useless existence!

I wasn't gonna tell you, Soapy,
but I got 30 cents a lady give me.

- I'll buy ya a beer.
- It isn't beer that I need.

It's hope, faith...

the assurance that it's still not too late
to pull myself out of the mire...

to make a man
of myself again...

to conquer the evil that's
taken possession of me!

We better get out of here.
If somebody was to hear you talking like that...

there's no telling what
we'd have to go through.

People praying over us,
preaching to us.

But there is time.
I'm still comparatively young.

Resurrect my old
and eager ambitions...

and pursue them
without faltering.

I'll give up this life of dissipation and idleness.

Tomorrow I'll go into the roaring downtown
district and find work.

I recall a fur merchant...

who once offered me
a position.

I think I must have his card
about me somewhere.

I'll find him, lay my plight before him,
seek his aid.

Yes, here is his card.

I recall his kindly face.

A noble man,
if ever I met one.

He'll give me a job.
He'll help me make something of myself.

- I'll be somebody in the world!
- Okay, come along.

- Huh? Officer, what have I done?
- Never mind. Come along.

Don't give me any of your lip,
or I'll bash in that skull of yours.

Come on!

Loitering, eh?
Guilty or not guilty?

Your Honor,
if it pleases the court-

One of those
argumentative types, eh?

- Where did you pick him up?
- Comin' out of church.

- Church?
- Your Honor, I'd just stepped in to refresh my soul.

I'd just undergone the most salutary
spiritual experience.

I'm a reformed man, and l-
Today I'd planned to apply for a position.

- Find any candlesticks on him?
- Oh, no, Your Honor. I assure you.

- Maybe he was try. Ing to rob the poor box.
- Oh, no, Your Honor.

I didn't find a thing on him-
not even a dime.

- Ninety days.
- For what?

Vagrancy-
no visible means of support.

- Next case.

O. Henry. Learned about jail
the hard way-

in jail.

He did his research on an iron cot,
listening to his cell mates.

He never felt superior
to the people he wrote about.

And maybe it's that humility
that draws us to his stories again and again.

Here's one of the best,
The Clarion Call.

Half of this story. Can be found in the records
of the police department.

There is no record
of the other half...

but it belongs behind the doors
of the editorial office...

of a New York newspaper.

Well, welcome back.
How'd it go?

- I got him there.
- Good.

- Nine.
- Uh, 18.

Hi, Chief.

Hello, Barney.

One counterfeiter delivered to federal prison,
Leavenworth, Kansas.

- And now I'm bushed.
- No wonder. Long trip, handcuffed for five days.

Uh-uh.
Not that long.

I took the handcuffs off
outside Newark.

He was an old man of 70,
going in for good.

That train ride was his last chance
to stretch his legs.

You look tired. Take some time.
Lay out till Monday.

Thanks. They found some more counterfeit
in the old boy's shoe.

The warden ducked and asked us to turn
it over to the downtown treasury.

Hundred-dollar bills?

- Beautiful job.
- Almost perfect.

They trapped him
on the picture.

The old goat parted
Franklin's hair on the left side.

- Said it looked better.

You signed for it, you keep it.
We'll send it down Monday.

- Get some rest.
- Thanks.

Does this belong to you?

No, that's a clue
in the Norcross murder case.

Robbery knockdown.
Happened while you were away.

None of that means anything.
No fingerprints, no nothing.

Must be
an out-of-town killer.

I know everybody's work
around here.

Looks expensive.
Where'd you find it?

On the rug
in Norcross's room.

Whoever killed him left it.
There's some printing on it.

Yeah.
Camptown Races.

July the fourth, 1901.

Doesn't mean a thing.

It's a nice tune though-
Camptown Races.

Mind if I check it out
a while?

Sure, sure.

If you think you can do any better.
It's our only lead.

I used to sing it myself
in the old days.

A good quartet number.

- Do you happen to know Johnny Kernan?

- Who?
- Kernan. Johnny Kernan.

No, I don't
believe I do.

Thanks.

- Something I can do for you?
- No, thanks.

There.
It's Johnny Kernan.

But he's only
been registered a week.

- Maybe it isn't the same one.

It's the same one.

Look, I'm not full owner.
There isn't gonna be any trouble.

He's the best wrestler
l ever saw.

Whenever the referee
ain't lookin', he gets 'em.

- Give me a beer.

- How's the bock holding out?
- Fine, fine.

- Guess who! Go ahead! Guess.
Guess who. Guess who.
- I don't have to guess.

- Hello, Johnny.

The big man,
Barney Woods.

I bet you'd have known me
anywhere by that trick, huh?

I'd have known you
anywhere.

Give him a big drink. We're old pals
from back in Erie, P.A.

- Long time ago, huh, Barney?
- Yeah.

He ordered a beer.

- He just finished it.

- Now get him a real drink.
- Yes, sir.

Clam head! Oughta give him
a mouthful of knuckles.

What about the old bunch back at
the hotel? See Gimp Charlie much?

Oh, I lost track years ago.
I've been living here for a long time.

No foolin'!
Wish I did.

I'm just passing through.
Going to Chicago tonight.

Hey, uh, whatever happened to, uh, uh, Hazel-
Hazel? Was that her name?

- Yeah. I married her.
- No foolin'!

Bet you got a ton of kids by now, huh?

Oh, that was some place
around the Star-Union Hotel.

Remember
SoreJaw Weber, huh?

And the singin'!
We must have did a hundred songs.

- Hey, you.
- Yeah?

- You know "Sweet Genevieve"?
- A little.

A little! Clam head! That's one of
the best songs there was!

Don't forget
the Camptown Races.

The best. The best! The best!
The absolute best!

- You know that one?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Him and me won a prize doing that one.
Quartet out at the picnic grounds.

Go ahead.
Start it up.

Go on! Open your throat!
Start! Sing, will you?

Come on! Sing!

Ah, that's good, huh? Wish we had the Doc
and Jonesy for balance though.

Come on, ya monkey!
Clap! That was good.

Clap!

Okay.

How 'bout "Heart of My Heart"?

Oh, I don't know, Johnny. Why don't we go
somewhere where we can talk?

Sure, sure.
The old times, huh?

Come on upstairs.
I got a jug.

We'll belt a few, have the old times
all over again, huh?

I doubt it. We had 'em once.
We can belt a few anyway.

Sure.

Look at you.

What are you doing here?

Get out! Get out.

Go to your room!
We wanna talk!

Can I stay and talk
too, Johnny?

Move, or I'll knock some
of that fat off of you!

What a nerve, huh?

- What do you want?
- The kitten. I've got to have something to do.

Yeah, kitten!

Here. Now, get out!

Now, where's the food, huh?

Ah, here it is.

For a man that's just passing through,
you've got all the comforts of home.

I always manage
to keep a jug handy.

I'll get this glass
cleaned up a little bit.

Well, bring me
up to date.

You still doing
hotel work?

No, Johnny.
Police work.

Detective,
16th Precinct.

Well, what do you know?

Honor bright.

Well, you got
the right trainin'.

I still remember
Barney Woods...

best speller
in the third grade.

What about you, Johnny?
Still as restless as ever?

I manage to live.
We can't all be good spellers.

Here.

I'll trade you.

It's yours.
Mine's at home.

That was a good quartet, huh?

First prize we ever got-
four gold pencils.

- Wonder what happened to Doc's.
- I don't know.

But yours was on the floor
of the Norcross house.

- Pack your linen, Johnny.

Wait a minute, friend.

- I can still take you.

Now, get up.

Get out of that coat.

Throw it over here.

I always was born
a few minutes ahead of you, Barney.

Where'd you get
all this steam?

I knew you had a little trouble upstate,
a little bank work-

- But murder?
- Ring off! Ring off. Ring off.

Don't get sentimental about
some old guy neither of us ever met.

Gun or no gun, Johnny,
I'm gonna have to take you in.

Why? Why, huh?

You're the only one who could connect me
with that pencil.

That's right.

Then let's pretend
this is one you never heard about.

Sorry.

You ain't gonna take me in.

- Why?
- If you were me, you'd take me in.

But you ain't.
You're honor bright.

You're dumb
Barney Woods.

You've got a debt
to square.

Don't count on something
that happened that long ago.

It'll never be long ago
for you, Barney. Don't kid me.

It'll always be right now.

The backroom
of the Star-Union Hotel.

The hour and the night...

and the pail ofbeer
that caused it.

lt's in your eyes
right now-

- the trouble you were in.

You couldn't afford
to lose money you didn't have.

You were on probation.

You'd been a bad boy,
but people were willin'to forget about it.

After all,
it was just a slip.

But you couldn't
stand another one.

That state pen down at Harrisburg
was a little too close.

One more slip'd
get you a train ticket...

and a nice
new suit of clothes.

- Well, you made it that night.

You wrote out a check
for a thousand dollars you didn't have.

all the trouble you needed.

That's the size of it, Barney.
You were on your way up.

A loser.
And don't kid yourself.

You'd have stayed a loser.

'Cause once they make you
walk up an alley...

you'd never use
a front door again.

So I bailed you out.

You stammered and said you didn't know
when you could pay it back.

You stammered and said you didn't know
when you could pay it back.

l said, I'll wait.

So I'm waitin'.

And now
l want my thousand.

That's what I said, pal:
There'll come a day.

And here it is.

How 'bout that drink now, huh?
Come on. Come on.

You can afford it.
I'm buying.

Oh, you don't drink
on duty, huh?

Copper.

Look at ya.

Look at that suit,
those shoes.

You couldn't pay back
10% of it.

- What do you make, 40 a month?
- A little more than that.

You were a cop
from the start.

- You've always had your hat in your hand.
- Is that all?

It is if you can't pay up.

Maybe some other time.

If you had any belly,
you'd take me in right now.

But that little favor out in the past
sticks in your craw.

It's there to remind you
what a naughty boy you were.

If you ever get in the way of some money,
look me up, huh?

Well, well, well!
Look who's here.

The big man.

Sit down.
Let me buy you a drink.

Hello, Johnny.

I never knew of a good thief
that'd touch liquor.

- Makes you bigmouthed.
- This is a special occasion. Very special.

I'm catching the night train
for Chicago.

Did you follow me here?

No.

I've got part of the money,
Johnny- nearly $300.

- I want you to take it.
- Stop kidding. Stop kidding.

A debt's a debt.

If you give somebody a hand,
you don't give them your little finger.

You give them
your whole hand.

It's a thousand
or nothing.

Look, how long do you think
you can get away with this sort of thing?

Take a tip from me.
Give yourself up.

Put in a plea.
Go light.

I'm light now. I'm light.
Can't you see?

You're the only one
could put a hand on me.

No, you're all wrong.

Police files
are never dead, Johnny.

- Some cop somewhere, he'll get a line on you.
- Nah!

Could be anybody anywhere.
Could- Could be somebody like that?

- Yeah, they could put a finger on you.
- Who's that?

It's Dave Bascom.

He's the city editor
of The Clarion-Call.

Newsboys!
Bunch of clam heads, all of them!

They got nothin' on me.

Hey.

You a city editor?

I work on a paper.

Big bunch of crime solvers, ain't ya?

What about the Norcross murder?
What have you done?

- We've got a man working on it.
- Sure, sure!

Big crime stoppers.
What's he done, huh? What's he done?

Did he check with a cab driver down
at 34th and Fifth? No, he didn't check.

Did he check with a lady across the street
who saw a man go in the house? No!

Clam head didn't
do nothin' right. Nothin'!

Nothin'.

- Is that all?
- Ain't that enough?

Big crime reporters.

Couldn't find a hangnail
if they told you what hand it was on.

Clam head.

That was a mistake. He's one of
the best heads on Herald Square.

Oh, you don't think
that meant anything, do you?

The cabbie and the lady
across the street?

I went in the back way.

I just wanted to show
he was a clam head. That's all.

I'm afraid you're
too smart for us, Johnny.

I'm sick of looking
at you, Barney.

Go somewhere.

- Good luck, John.
- You don't mean that, pal.

No, you're wrong.

I wouldn't wish you bad luck.
You'll have enough of that.

Hmm!

Hmm.

- What's your name?
- Frank.

- Where do you live?
- 221 East Fifth Street.

- I thought I told you to take a breather.
- You did, sir.

But I was in the neighborhood. Besides, I've got
something I want to talk to you about.

- It's personal.
- Sure. I'll be with you in a minute.

in the last two weeks you've-

All right, Barney.
What can I do for you?

Barney?

It's getting
steadily worse.

We've now hit
rock bottom.

Hoodlums, vandals,
criminals of every stripe...

have turned our police power
into a laughingstock.

- It's become a huge public joke.

Mr. Bascom. There's a man here
from the police department.

- Says he wants to see you. He says it's urgent.
- Send him in.

Hello, Barney.

Westbound Limited.

- Chicago, Omaha, Denver-
- Here you go, tar bucket.

Los Angeles,
San Francisco.

I've got something
for you.

Where'd you get it?

Where'd a cop like you pick up
a thousand dollars in clean hundreds?

Never mind where I got it.
Just count it.

I trust you, Barney.
I trust you.

The important thing is,
where does this leave us?

We're all square.

Fair enough. Fair enough.
Fair enough, huh?

So we start from scratch.

- Go ahead. Take me in.

- Just so we'll end even, good luck, Barney.

Save your strength.

You got a broken
firing pin.

Up in that hotel room.

You don't think I'd
give you a healthy gun?

Give me that.

Get over here.

Get out.

Step over it,
you clam head.

O. Henry was born
in North Carolina.

He moved to Texas
when he was 20.

He bummed all over the Southwest,
the Gulf ports...

even the banana republics
of Central America.

He was 40 when he reached New York,
and he loved the city.

Called it
Baghdad on the Subway.

New York gave him
a new Arabian Nights.

Look at this one
he called The Last Leaf.

The setting?
Greenwich Village.

The time? Winter.

The condition?
A blizzard.

This was the village
oflow rents and high art...

where poverty and ambition
held hands.

But also life went on...

and death went on...

and love went on.

And sometimes
love stopped.

Whoa! Whoa!

Joanna. It's about time
you got back.

Your sister got so wild,
she almost called up the police.

Susan! Susan!

Jo!

Well, how is she,
Doctor?

Pneumonia.

I'll look by
in the morning.

Thank you, Doctor.

- Will she be all right?
- Oh, she's young.

No reason why she
shouldn't pull through.

Good day.

Pneumonia.

And all because
of that actor.

- I warned her against him hundred times.
- Shh.

- I know men like him like I know colors.
- Mr. Behrman.

Ah! Would she listen to me,
to the man who knows everything...

who has been everyplace
and seen everything?

- Mr. Behrman, please.
- Oh, yes, I know what you
and your sister think of me.

Just an old goat who lives upstairs and makes
a lot of noise on the ceiling.

- Mr. Behrman, will you please be quiet?
- What is the matter with you?

Why are you so excited?
You heard what the doctor said.

She's young. She will pull through well.
She'll be all right.

It'll be a good lesson
for her.

Now, you stay here,
and I'll take care of this.

- I was going to the art dealer anyway.
- Thank you.

Mr. Behrman-
Tell the druggist to charge it.

Yeah. Actors. I hate actors
more than I hate poison!

The doctor says
it's nothing.

Just a couple
of days rest.

Of course, he thinks you ought to be spanked
for going out in such weather.

Sue. I'm so ashamed.

Why should you be?

Oh, sure,
your pride's hurt now.

Six months from now you'll be laughing
about it if you even remember.

Now close your eyes
and go to sleep.

I can't.

Nonsense.
Of course you can.

You don't understand.

L-

I haven't told you
everything...

about Sheldon and me,
l mean.

You don't have to.

I think I've known
for a long time.

What you must
think of me.

L- I feel like-

Look, baby, it isn't the end
of the world...

because-well,
you made a mistake.

What we both need
is a change of scene.

Oh.

I'll pick it up
in five minutes.

- Behrman, not again.
- Now, look here, Boris.

You can take my word...

of a man who is
independently poor.

I've done exactly everything
the way you told me.

I bought an apple, I bought a pear,
and I bought a banana.

And I put it all in a bowl
and I started to paint.

Just like you told me.
Look.

Another Behrman.

Ai, yi, yi, yi, yi, yil

Behrman. Maybe you are
ahead of your time.

Maybe in 1950 they will recognize it
for what it is-

Whatever it is.

But my customers only like paintings
they can recognize.

All arts must communicate.

And yours doesn't say anything
to anybody who comes in here.

Look here, Boris. What you've got on your walls,
a camera can do much better.

- I know, I know.
- No comparison!

For once, why don't you paint something that
people can see what they're looking at?

- You can do me a great favor-
don't tell me what to paint.
- Behrman, please.

We are old friends, huh?
Try again.

Go back and paint
an apple...

a banana and a pear.

- I can't!
- Why not?

I ate them.

Look here. Would you
buy this Behrman...

if I give you my sacred word of honor
that I will try again?

All right.
Three dollars.

Three dollars for a Behrman?
You always pay me five.

Business is bad.

Well, then you cannot afford it
even for three dollars.

I'd rather starve until 1950,
if necessary.

Three dollars for a Behrman!
Who does he think I am?

Well, it's all ready.
That'll be two dollars.

- All right. Charge it to Miss Goodwin.
- Miss Goodwin.

Sorry, sir.
No more credit.

What are you talking about? The girl is sick,
and you're talking about credit?

I only work here.
I've got my orders.

All right. Wrap it up.
I'll be back in a minute.

I am coming into
a small inheritance.

I've treated a great many patients,
Miss Goodwin.

Some accomplish miracles...

because their will to live
is the best medicine they could find.

There's also
a will to die.

I could save your sister
if she wanted me to...

but she doesn't.

Whatever the reason,
she isn't helping me.

You must be wrong, Doctor.
She has so much to live for.

Mmm. If you can convince her of that,
she'd pass the crisis.

I can only do so much.

Well!

- The broth will be warm in a minute.
- I'm not hungry.

Another one.

What?

- You know, it's funny.
- What's funny?

Oh, the things you notice
when you're ill.

Things you never
noticed before.

Like what?

Like that ivy vine
across the court.

What about it?

Yesterday I counted
exactly 21 leaves on it.

- Don't you think that's funny?
- Why funny?

Don't you see?
I'm 21.

Now there are only 14.

I'm getting younger.

In a day or so,
they'll all be gone.

And when
the last leaf goes-

That's funny too,
isn't it?

The way things live...

die.

Oh, but it's good
to be alive, Jo!

You believe that,
don't you, baby?

I'm so tired, Sue.

You take a nap.

It'll do you
a world of good.

- Don't- Don't do that.
- I just want to darken the room.

I like to look outside
when I wake up.

You will try to get
some sleep, won't you?

I'll try.

That old goat!

- It doesn't bother me, Sue.

Well, it bothers me.

- Come in!

How's your sister?

If you really cared,
l wouldn't have to be here again.

Oh, yes, I know.
I'm making so much noise.

But, you see,
when I paint...

I get so mad with myself
that l- I forget myself.

Is she really so sick, huh?
I thought by now she-

- No.
- What's wrong with her?

I don't know.

She's got some crazy idea
about the leaves...

on the vine
across the court.

What kind
of a crazy idea?

I think she-
Oh, it's so hard to explain.

But- But somehow she feels that the vine
has something to do with her life...

that-

That when
all the leaves go...

she'll go.

Look, Susan, this is
all absolutely crazy.

I know it sounds silly, but... the way she talked
about the vine just now.

Look, now, you're-
you're tired.

You haven't slept all these nights,
and all this is making you sick too.

If you could have
heard her-

Maybe you're right.

- Maybe I am beginning to imagine things.
- Of course you are.

Now, look, you go
to your sister...

and I promise you
I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

A dead one.

Hey! No more
of these crazy ideas.

All right.

Jo! Jo!

Those leaves
don't mean a thing.

You're going to get well,
baby.

You're going to get well!

We should know by morning.

- Behrman!
- I'm sorry.

I'm just a little bit tipsy.
Now, just-

Go on, sing!
It's a happy occasion.

What do you care
aboutJoanna?

You've done everything you could
to keep her from getting well.

I don't ask you
to forgive me. L-

I just want you
to understand.

Please, go away.

It's only today that...

for the first time,
l finally realized what I really am.

A three-dollar painter.

No more, no less.

My paintings, they've got
nothing to say to nobody.

And I know why.

It is because I
got nothing to say.

And when an artist knows...

there's nothing left for him to do
but just to drown himself.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Mr. Behrman, I'm so upset,
l don't know what I'm saying half the time.

Don't worry, Susan.

You really didn't say nothing
that wasn't true.

What are we going to do?

I was right
about the leaves.

There's just one left now.

It'll be gone by morning,
and when Jo wakes up-

But that kind of thing
can't happen, can it?

It- It just can't happen.

Have courage, Susan.

And if a prayer
of an old goat will help...

your sister will get well.

Don't worry. She'll get well.
She'll get well.

- Susan?
- Here I am, Jo.

Let me see the leaves.

- No, not now.
- But I want to know.

- Later, Jo. Later.
- Please, Sue.

It hung on, Jo,
right through the storm.

Isn't that something?

And if one brave
little leaf can do it...

you can do it too.

How do you feel?

I'm hungry, Doctor.

Well, that's the first sense
you've made in days.

- Some broth?
- Yeah.

Well, I'll- I'll
stop by tonight...

uh, just to say hello.

- Sue?
- Yes?

Could l- Could I have
my mirror and my brush?

Oh, Sue!

What's going on?

I'll find out.

- What is it, Mrs. O'Brien?
- Why, it's the old man.

- That artist fellow upstairs in 3-B.
- Mr. Behrman?

He was drunk last night,
staggering around in the snow.

I saw him kneeling on the ground
as though he were a dog or something.

- What happened?
- An old man his age in the snow for hours?

His heart gave out.
They found him this morning. He's dead.

Oh, he was crazy
like all them artists.

Imagine, in the middle of the night,
he come and asked me for a lantern.

Oh, but he was a nice
old coot at that, you know?

What is it, Sue?

- Behrman?
- Yes.

What happened?

He died last night.

Oh.

- Poor old Behrman.
- Yes.

Poor old Behrman.

It won't be the same without
all that noise upstairs-

Stomping around, breaking things
every time he finished a painting.

He was a good friend
of ours, Jo.

Too bad he wasn't
a better artist.

l could never make head or tail
out of anything he ever painted.

I think you're wrong, Jo.

He was a great artist.

Someday I'll tell you
how great.

O. Henry had been,
at one time or another...

a druggist, cowboy,
bookkeeper, reporter, editor.

To O. Henry., no one was too good
to slip or too bad to climb.