Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

[Announcer] Nobel Prize Week.

I should win the Nobel Peace Prize for my work

in the world's most dangerous conflict zone, UKIP.

Now stop scrapping, or I'll give you a smack.

[Nigel burps]

-[upbeat music] -[Alan sighs]

[dramatic music]

[Announcer] The Apprentice is back,

and Lord Sugar is searching for a new business partner

from a carefully selected pool of massive dicks.

Good morning, candidates.

[All] Good morning, Lord Sugar.

Now, I'm the kind of boss

who tells it like it is.

I call a spade a spade.

Hold up, haven't I used that cliche before?

[alarm buzzes]

-[upbeat music] -[Alan groans]

What the bleed, eh?

This week's task is buying and selling antiques.

Wait, we've definitely done this before.

It's bloody Groundhog Day.

I even know what's gonna happen next.

I'm gonna lose my patience for no reason.

-Lord Sugar. -Shut your bloody mouth,

you bloody Muppet!

And now he's gonna cry

and say it was all the team leader's fault.

[sobs] It was all the team leader's fault.

Hello, is this even connected to anything?

[upbeat music]

[Alan screams]

Your next task is to come up with an advert,

PR campaign for a fragrance,

sports gadget, ready meal,

fragrance sports meal.

Bollocks, I've got to get out of this nightmare.

Well, if I change something,

try speaking with fewer pauses.

I can't do it.

-[alarm buzzes] -[Alan groans]

This is The Apprentice series, God knows.

It could be eight.

It could be 12, could be 200-and-bleeding-four.

Can I just say something controversial and offensive?

Katie Hopkins?

But you left years ago.

Did I?

Isn't there always a mouthy, racist twat?

Maybe if I pick you the winner,

I could break out of this.

No, I can't do it.

Nothing's worth that.

-[alarm buzzes] -[Alan groans]

Okay, your next task is to kill me.

Who wants to be team leader?

-Me! -No, me!

My CV says I've excellent murder experience.

Oh please, just bleeding make it stop!

[phone rings]

What?

You want me to do another series?

How much?

Sugar, you're hired.

Eat your heart out, BBC.

This is what you can do with a proper budget.

-[explosion roars] -Woof!

Our new Amazon show is going to be great.

Tanks, jet planes, helicopters.

And even a hot meal

whenever I bloody want it.

-[explosion roars] -Yes!

Blow up some more money.

Uh, Jeremy, Hammond's here to see you.

Tell the Hamster, I'm too busy exploding stuff.

Uh, not that one.

It's Philip Hammond, the chancellor.

What in God's trousers do you want?

Look, I've done some sums,

and Britain can't really afford the Armed Forces anymore.

So I was wondering would you guys mind taking

over the defense of the realm.

Well, we are better equipped than the army.

Count me in.

Question, can I blow up Germany?

Oh we're not technically at war with the Germans.

Just wait until the Brexit negotiations start.

[gun firing]

I'm gonna take over the world [grunts].

[classical music]

Daddy, Georgie's hungry.

Give us some more of that jelly swan.

Sorry, George, Daddy's got to go and wave at people.

But don't worry.

Guess who's babysitting?

What ho, chaps?

Uncle Harry!

-[hand slaps] -[Charlotte giggles]

Oh, you're not gonna believe this geezer, Chaz.

He's a riot!

You wait till you sample his cowpoke cocktails.

[Charlotte squeals]

Uh, give us a tinkle if you need anything, broski,

half an hour, yeah?

Unc, Unc, what do you got planned, big man,

dressing up as the Ku Klux Klan

or putting some Viagra in the corgi's dog bowl?

Classic!

Uh, no.

Who's ready for some fruit cordial

and a bedtime story.

[laughs] He's having a laugh, Chaz.

The Windsor massive's going out on a bender.

Oi, oi, savaloy!

Sorry, my hell-raising days are over.

Nowadays, I'm Humble Harry,

proud founder of the Invictus Games.

Just call me the People's Ginger.

Oh gimme strength!

He's serious.

There's only one thing for this, sis.

Do what you do best.

-[bowels grumble] -[Harry groans]

Yeah, broski, you'll have to come back pronto.

There's been a code brown!

[laughs] Dirty protest always works.

Be lucky!

I should win the Nobel Prize for economics,

for discovering that talking

about 400 grand can cost you three million a year.

You're not recording this, are you?

[Announcer] Robot Wars!

First up on Robot Wars,

it's Thunder-Saw, operated by Chris.

He built it in 900 hours

that he could've spent patching things up

with his estranged teenage daughter.

Against him is the Tessbot 2000!

Check out those stats.

Keep dancing!

Keep dancing!

[Announcer] Let's hear it from her operator, Claudia.

Oh, hello.

I just wanted to find a TV show more suited

to Tess' unique set of skills.

[Announcer] Let battle commence.

Let's meet our dazzling, delightful,

daring, delicious, deeply dreamy--

[Announcer] Tessbot's really let

that alliteration get away with her.

Surely, she lacks the killer instinct.

You'd be surprised.

I once watched her murder 23 jokes

in a single evening.

[Announcer] Look out, Thunder-Saw's coming in

for the kill!

How many Len Goodmans does it take

to change a light bulb?

It takes seven, because seven is what he always says.

Activate laughter [laughs].

[saw buzzes]

[Announcer] Out comes the saw.

How many Bruno Toniolis does it take to change--

[Thunder-Saw grinds]

[Announcer] I don't believe it.

Thunder-Saw has decided to turn the saw on himself.

[explosion booms]

[Tessbot] Activate laughter.

A bit extreme, but I know how it feels.

Ad lib, ad lib, ad lib, ad lib, ad lib, ad lib.

[horn hons]

[upbeat music]

♪ Oh no, oh no ♪

♪ Oh no, oh no ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh no, no ♪

♪ My car keeps blowing up ♪

♪ Maybe Forsberg will win now ♪

♪ My car keeps blowing up daily ♪

♪ Why always me now ♪

[fire roars]

Oh not again.

Oh look, smoke, quick,

someone blow it up my ass.

[Lewis groans]

[upbeat music]

[Narrator] They were infected with rage.

Send them all home.

Britain for the British.

Ah!

[Narrator] They roamed the streets looking

for someone to follow.

-Diane James! -You'll do!

I will lead this party into the future.

[Narrator] 18 days later.

Oh no, she's gone.

Who shall we follow now?

Oh bloody hell, not me again.

[All] Nigel!

Can't you find someone else?

All firms must list foreign workers.

Stop migrants taking British jobs.

[All] Teresa!

Build a wall in Calais.

Blimey, she's a bit to rabid for me.

[Narrator] Also coming soon,

Nige of the Living Dead.

Please stop bringing me back.

So tired.

Pints and pints of spinal fluid.

[Nigel burps]

I'm very big fan of Nobel Peace Prize,

but only because Alfred Nobel, inventor of prize,

also invent dynamite, and I love blowing things,

up, blowing things up [chuckles].

[gentle music]

Oh good.

Phil, Phil, what's wrong?

Has something big and unexpected happened?

[Phil mumbles]

What?

I didn't catch a word of that.

[Phil mumbles]

Phil, you're giving it even more mumble than usual.

For heaven's sake, tell me.

What is it?

[Phil mumbles]

Oh right, I get it.

You've forgotten your lines again, ain't you?

Yeah.

Sometimes it can be so hard to tell.

[Philip grunts]

[upbeat music]

Bored of radio boring,

then it's time to tune into my brand new radio station.

♪ Cosmically Noel ♪

You don't even need a radio.

I'm broadcasting it straight from my head to yours.

[assistant groans]

If you've got a problem, then we've got an expert

who knows the answer, me.

Well, this is serious.

You're quite clearly in need of some life coaching.

[cat meows]

And don't miss my brand new, totally original format.

Now Tiddles, there are only three boxes left.

But inside one, there's a half-dead sparrow.

So meal or no meal?

♪ Cosmically Noel ♪

So what do you think of my new show?

Well, it's certainly different, Noel.

Traditionally, the nutters are the ones who phone in.

Aww.

I should win the Nobel Prize for economics

for suggesting that after Brexit,

young British people should take up fruit-picking jobs.

-[crowd boos] -[Andrea grunts]

See?

It's working already.

This is Detective Luther.

I'm outside the suspected vice den,

awaiting permission to enter, over.

Who am I kidding?

I'm Luther.

I'm going in anyway.

Nobody move!

[perps gasping]

Well, well, well, Tom Hiddleston,

or should I call you Loki?

You Hollywood tart,

whoring yourself out to a superhero franchise again.

He offered me extra if I wore the rubber suit.

You're a trained Shakespearean actor.

I needed the fame.

Anyway, I've seen you in a comic book spinoff,

all strapped up in a leather codpiece.

Wasn't that Thor?

It certainly was.

But I'm Idris Elba.

I'm cool enough to get away with anything.

[clattering]

What was that?

Benedict Cumberbatch,

or should I call you Doctor Strange?

Look, go easy on me.

I've never done anything like this before.

Sure, I've dabbled in sci-fi,

but I've never gone full comic book.

Right, you two, your superhero-playing days are over.

[Benedict and Tom gasp]

Because from now on,

I'm taking all the parts.

It's back to the Royal Shakespeare Company with you.

[sighs] Midsummer Night's Dream again.

Wait till you see my bottom.

[Benedict gasps]

[dance music]

It's movie week on Strictly,

and guess who's doing The Mask.

Ed Balls!

You haven't looked this green

and sweaty since election night.

[Ed grunts]

So I think this could be the answer

to our teeny-weeny popularity problem.

What is this?

Strictly Come Dancing.

No, I mean this magic window box

of light and color.

Jeremy, that's a television.

Anyway, until last week,

Ed Balls was universally hated.

And now thanks to the power of dance,

he's marginally less hated.

So fame, who wants to live forever?

I know how to dance.

I've been to raves.

♪ Big fish, little fish, cardboard box ♪

[Sadiq grunts]

Trust me, I know all about shakies.

I was on the Glamorous this week with Michael Portillo.

We should do the tango.

-[gentle music] -Left and left and left.

We're just going around in circles.

Sadiq, I'm supposed to be leading.

You're out of step.

Well, you're out of time

by about 30 years.

-Traitor! -Trot!

Blairite!

Stop it!

We mustn't blow our one and only chance of a Labour victory.

You're quite right.

Hello, three votes for Ed Balls, please.

So this telly-o-vision,

how did the little people get inside?

[dance music]

I should get the Nobel Prize for literature,

because I've just finished my first book,

How Hungry Was That Caterpillar?

This is a top-secret MI6 operation.

To nail this new arms dealer,

we need to send in who will be totally under the radar.

Yes, someone who can completely disappear

into the background.

And I think I found the perfect man for the job,

Nick Grimshaw.

What up?

G-Dog's in the house.

Now Grimshaw, we need you to infiltrate a shadowy,

international arms dealing organization

without anybody noticing you.

How would I do that?

Just do your best presenting,

like you did on X Factor.

He was on the X Factor?

-Exactly. -Hmm.

Really lay on the charisma,

give it all you got.

I'll super-size it.

-Word. -Brilliant.

Grimmy's utterly forgettable.

He really has no presence at all, does he?

He's like an air pocket doing a shit Northern accent.

Uh, guys, I'm still here.

Did you hear something?

No, not me.

Banter!

[Announcer] At Kensington Palace,

George and Charlotte have snuck downstairs

to watch the telly.

Ga, ga, ga, ga.

Why we watching Tattoo Fixers?

Well, as it happens, Char,

I might have accidentally gone and got a grizzly done

on me backside in Canada.

Bear bum, get it [laughs]?

Goo, goo, ga, ga.

Yeah, well, it seemed funny

after eight pints of Lumberjack.

Oi, oi, savaloy!

[bell tolls]

Okay, minions, the date is set.

We're going to trigger Brexit by March 31st.

As it's such a boffo prank,

shouldn't we do it a day later.

No, you fool!

Right, which one of you understands the legal complexities

of extricating us from Europe?

-Um. -Oh right.

♪ My name's Kanye West ♪

♪ And before exit ♪

♪ Gonna negotiate the shizz ♪

♪ Out this punk-ass Brexit ♪

What are you doing here?

You're a rap star, not a politician.

♪ I am a politician, visionary ♪

♪ A fried potato ♪

♪ Anyone who says I ain't is a hater ♪

Shouldn't we let him speak?

We need all the help we can get.

♪ Gonna organize Britain's secession from the EU ♪

♪ Then I'm gonna make America my boo ♪

♪ And saddle me up a kangaroo ♪

♪ Ride it like a horse till my balls turn blue ♪

♪ Then all you brothers gonna be like ♪

♪ Ooh, that looks painful ♪

♪ And I'ma be like, true ♪

That's ludicrous, impractical

and makes no sense at all.

But it's still better.

than anything us three have come up with

Come and be my advisor.

♪ No way ♪

♪ I ain't no advisor ♪

♪ I don't work for no one, neither ♪

♪ Yeezy's a lone genius ♪

♪ Time for a yexit ♪

-[engine rattles] -[cycle thuds]

Which one of you haters put that wall there?

[Kanye beatboxes]

[playful music]

Tonight's celebrity first date is Gary Barlow,

singer from Take That,

or as we say in French, Take That.

Let's see how he's getting on.

And so I said to him,

it was actually a perfectly legal,

music industry investment scheme,

as I indicated in my previous 10 faxes.

[woman groans]

-[woman snores] -Oh.

Uh-huh, as a stereotypical Frenchman,

I am uniquely qualified in affairs of the heart.

So I can tell all is not well with your date.

Date?

Oh no, she's my accountant.

It means I can write off this meal

as a business expense.

Anyway, best be off,

I only paid for half-an-hour's parking.

Can I get a doggie bag?

[speaks in foreign language]

I will have to charge you a flat fee for the bag.

Oh, in that case, just pour the soup in my pocket.

Okay, Miguel, what is the story?

Someone has been stalking

the footballer Cristiano Ronaldo.

-Huh? -I have traced the stalker

to this address.

[grunts] This could be dangerous.

You go first.

[gasps] It's worse than I thought.

He's even got some of Ronaldo's underwear.

-[Miguel sniffs] -[Miguel gags]

Used, I think.

This sicko clearly has a deeply unhealthy obsession

with Cristiano Ronaldo.

Who on Earth could it be?

[officers gasp]

What are you two doing in my bedroom?

-Oh! -I want to be alone.

I'm going to handcuff myself to the bed

and have my wicked way with myself.

[speaks in foreign language]

Let's get out of here.

Come here, you gorgeous, goal-scoring hunk.

[lips smacking]

[playful music]

Get in, top of the list again.

In your face, JK Rowling.

Serves you right for giving money to that charity.

What a loser.

Good day, Jerry darling.

How are you enjoying your present?

[sighs] This Jacuzzi's the dingo's gonads.

You do look like you're a bit hot in there, sugar pie.

Oh yeah, and I'm about to get even hotter.

Jump in and let's slither around

like a couple of randy game toads.

[gags] Seriously, honey,

I think you need to cool down.

Here, let me put this electric fan

precariously near the edge of the water, whoopsie!

-[electricity buzzes] -[Rupert groans]

Yee-haw, ca-ching!

[grunts] My heart!

Your heart?

It's beating again.

It hasn't done that since 1973.

I've never felt so alive.

Now, strip off and soap up.

I'll want to scuba dive around your Great Barrier Reef.

[Jerry gags]

[flatulates] Ripper, extra bubbles!

-[Jerry sighs] -[Jerry thuds]

[classical music]

Well, Mr Chancellor,

this wonderful ministerial box dates around 1860.

-I'd-- -Oh not that old thing.

I want this valued.

Oh a tenner, hmm,

I'd say this is worth around nine pounds.

As much as that.

Make that seven.

-What? -It's gone down

since I last valued it, um, five.

That's a 31-year low.

Make it stop.

I believe that's your job.

Oh worthless, it's totally worthless.

Oh well, how about this Ming vase.

-Oops! -[vase clatters]

So much for a safe pair of hands.

[classical music]

[upbeat music]

Oh emergency, emergency!

I got a hair out of place.

What if someone Instagrams me looking like this?

I need an all-over touch-up.

You want your usual, the Simon Cowell?

Yes, quick, fix my bonnet!

I'll do three coats of black gloss paint.

Make it nice and stiff.

Oh, stop it, Rylan [giggles].

Polish up your teeth.

That's my second-favorite grinder.

Oh, get it [laughs]?

-And your bikini line. -Sort it out down there!

It's like Captain Caveman's living in my tighty-whities.

Now top out my tan.

[canister hisses]

Oh that's better.

I look like a human again.

Laters!

[wind bellows]

Emergency, it's not holding.

We're gonna need to go for the full Sharon Osbourne!

Oh God, I'll get Madame Tussauds on the phone.

And quickly!

[Narrator] Meanwhile, George

and Charlotte are watching a TV drama, Victoria.

[Woman] Oh Albert, oh, oh.

Bleeding hell, shut your eyes, sis.

You do not want to see

great-great-great-great-great-great-granny

playing tonsil tennis.

Someone give 'em a cold shower.

That has got to be the most sick-making thing

I've seen on TV all week.

Goo, goo, ga, ga.

Oh yeah, I forgot about Ed Balls.

Oi, oi, savaloy [laughs]!

[adventurous music]

It's been a long, hard summer.

And now an increasingly desperate Bear

is using all his survival skills

to find a fresh source of money.

So what have you got for us, Bear?

I've got a half-baked idea

about me somehow surviving something or other

with, I don't know, celebs or something.

I love it.

Here, have loads of cash.

[sighs] Bear breathes a sigh of relief.

With money to burn, he will stay warm tonight after all.

Light, damn you, light.

[fire roars]

So Adele, as your financial advisor,

I'm a little concerned about your cash flow.

How much did you make last year?

Oh I don't know,

something like seven trillion.

Indeed, and yet your bank account

shows a balance of one pound.

Where has the rest gone?

Oh that's easy.

It's in my fucking swear box.

[manager coughs]

Oh bullocks.

[manager coughs]

Shit, not again.

Couldn't lend us a quid, could you, gov?

[slow rock music]

♪ The flag's waving and I tell you I'm having ♪

♪ A ball at my rally tonight ♪

♪ Don't matter what I say ♪

♪ They still clap and chant my name ♪

♪ Because the crowd I got are not so bright ♪

♪ You think I can't win ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm wacky, and I'm dim ♪

♪ And you know I could start World War III ♪

♪ And the polls are as close ♪

♪ As my views are gross ♪

♪ I've been racist, sexist ♪

♪ They call me Mr Brexit ♪

What does that even mean?

No idea.

♪ But they're still supporting me ♪

♪ Like a prat out of hell ♪

♪ I say paying tax is really dumb ♪

♪ Want a ban on Muslims ♪

♪ Criticize a war hero's mum, mum, mum ♪

♪ Like a prat out of hell ♪

♪ I won't be gone when the election comes ♪

♪ Oh the first time that I saw you ♪

♪ I thought you were a joke ♪

♪ Oh Donny Trump, oh Donny Trump ♪

♪ Talking out of your ass like a preacher on coke ♪

♪ Preacher on coke, preacher on the coke ♪

♪ Now we all know your name ♪

♪ And you're always on the news ♪

♪ Yes, they'd rather elect a talking hemorrhoid ♪

♪ Than anyone with boobs. ♪

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ Sounds like someone's on their period ♪

Not sexist, just a healthy disgust

to both women [burps].

♪ Like a prat out of hell ♪

♪ I make a joke out of Hillary's health ♪

♪ Say I'd date my own daughter ♪

♪ I claim I didn't inherit my wealth, wealth, wealth ♪

♪ Would you praise Putin ♪

♪ Kick out anyone brown ♪

♪ And generally act like a fat, old, racist clown ♪

♪ Oh I'd do anything for votes ♪

♪ So I will do that ♪

Terrific [burps].

♪ 'Cause I'm a prat out of hell ♪

♪ God help us all when November comes ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a prat out of hell ♪

♪ If he wins, he'll blow us all to kingdom come ♪

Let's make America great again, folks.

Missile, you're fired.

[alarm blares]

It's gonna be great.

[upbeat music]