Original subtitles

[punchy upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

Time now for the results of our Own Goal of the Month

competition, and there's a clear winner.

Let's have a look at at Sam Allardyce in action.

There's no stopping Big Sam, he's already hit the bar twice.

[belches]

And, he's dribbling nicely.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch that,

could you speak more clearly into these flowers?

[Newscaster] Oh, what a dummy, just look at

all that space between his ears.

Oh, he's left himself wide open there.

Will his defense hold up? He's clearly crossed the line.

Oh, he shot himself right in the foot.

So, congratulations to Big Sam and the runner up

for Own Goal of the Month, is FA for appointing

him in the first place, good night.

I tell you, it wasn't working properly at the last debate.

It's better be goddamned working for the next one.

Well, let's just test it Mister Trump.

Say something into the mic and we'll see

if it's working now.

Testing, testing Hillary is a man and she was

brought up in Russia by communist wolves.

Nope, your brain is still not working.

Mexican's stole the moon and towed it to China

to cause global warming.

How the hell is he still neck and neck in the polls?

Google baboons and cheese, just saying folks.

[inhales]

I'm so tired after that holiday, I need a holiday.

Yeah, me too.

Did you pack these bags yourself?

[laughs]

-As if. -Here, shove these

in your nappy, sis.

They never check the babies.

Goo, goo, ga, ga.

All right, have a nice, but dull flight.

Oy, don't forget your teddy, Charlotte.

[growls]

You can't take that on the plane.

What, you're gonna take away a little baby's

-cuddly toy? -[thuds]

-[cries] -Oh look,

you made her cry.

George, what is going on?

This is just a souvenir.

What's wrong with a tea towel?

Only 9.99, available exclusively from Middleton's Party tat.

Listen duchess, I'll level with you.

Got a little bit of trouble back home

with a couple of tasty lads with pitbulls.

They'll soon change their tune when they see me

with a bloody great bear on a chain.

Well, I suppose we did say we'd get them a pet.

Get in, and anyway if it doesn't work out

I'll flog it to the royal guards for hats.

[growls]

Oh, keep your hair on Ted, I'm only joking.

Oy, oy, say oy.

[growls]

[Narrator] It's day one in the FA search for

the new England manager.

I'd be perfect of the job. I'm honest, I'm infallible.

And, if England is ever going to win the World Cup again

you're going to need a miracle, mamma mia.

[mellow music]

Whoa, crikey Phil what is going on with

that thing on your head?

I don't know Danny Dyer, it's been getting bigger

and bigger so I popped down to the clinic and you're

not going to believe this.

-What? -I'm going to be a dad.

-You what? -Check this out.

-[pops] -Blimey.

Talk about a chip off the old block.

Do you know what it is yet?

-A Jersey royal. -Oh, bless.

Well, aren't we going to wet the baby's head?

Oh yeah, sorry Phil.

Hit ya's.

I'm not surprised Big Sam came a cropper.

If you put a money grubbing white boy in charge

of a team of egotistical losers you know it's gonna

end with someone saying, "You're fired."

[punchy upbeat music]

10 celebrities are washed up on an island,

sorry 10 washed up celebrities are on an island.

I've never heard of you.

Well, I've never heard of you.

Well, I've never heard of me.

Over the next few weeks they must find the headlines

they need for their careers to survive.

I'm Bear Grylls, all around tough guy and this,

oy bring that back.

And this is Publicity Island.

-[squeaks] -[dramatic music]

Their first challenge is to find a source of water

so they can have a shower with their tops off.

Next, they need to build a shelter so they can go

and have sex in it.

I really fancy you, girl from telly slash Made in Chelsea.

I like you too bloke who was in that thing once.

Then, with virtually no Twitter followers left

one of the group gives up and radios for help.

Sir, your table is ready.

Oh great, be with you in a minute.

Must have publicity.

[radio crackles]

Send the safety team, I'm quitting early.

That should get me some media coverage. Woohoo.

Get enough publicity and these celebrities

could one day find themselves in the jungle

with Ant and Deck eating an alligator penis,

like this one.

-Mm, delicious. -That's just

-a sausage, sir. -Shh.

[bell tolls]

[Man] I thought you were doing it.

What, I'm too busy. I'm minister for Brexit.

Make that minister for cock-ups.

That's your department.

-Minions. -[gasps]

I ordered you to organize a surprise birthday party for me.

Ah yes, well gosh about that.

We couldn't decide what you meant when you

told us to organize your birthday party.

Birthday party means birthday party.

-Which means? -I should have known

not to put you idiots in charge of anything.

You couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery.

Now, that's a bit harsh.

It's not our fault the brewery went bust.

Well, it is a bit.

The good news is we have agreed a framework

that will ensure your 60th birthday party definitely

-takes place before 2019. -Probably.

-Possibly. -Maybe.

-Minions! -But, we did get you a cake.

Close your eyes and make a wish.

That's pretty much my strategy for Brexit.

[blows]

Oh, you're all still here.

[groans]

[dramatic music]

♪ Started baking at the BBC ♪

♪ Now I've left it for a bigger fee ♪

-♪ I want money ♪ -♪ That's what he wants ♪

-♪ Channel four money ♪ -♪ That's what he wants ♪

♪ It's good bye to the other three ♪

♪ So much for any loyalty ♪

-♪ Just give me money ♪ -♪That's what he wants ♪

Oh look, they even named this place after me.

Uh, they so didn't.

[grunts]

Don't you just hate massive Hollywood egos.

[phone rings]

[Woman On Phone] James, I've got her majesty

the queen on the line.

Tell her to hold.

Kanye is always saying to me that I've got

a lot in common with Sam Allardyce.

The start of my career is just like the end of his,

a massive ass famously caught on camera.

[laughs]

Oh, thank heavens, the baby's finally gone to sleep.

Let's get some shut eye while we can.

Wake her up, wake her up.

-Hello mother. -[cries]

Stop bellyaching and start playing

you wee bag of shite.

How are you going to wear more grand slams

than your underachieving father if you're not

practicing your tennis 24 hours a day

seven days a week including Christmas?

But Mom, she's just baby. She needs her sleep.

Oh, do you think the Federer twins are taking

time off to sleep?

-Hell no. -Not even for an hour?

I let Jaime have an hour of sleep when he was

that age and look what happened to him.

Only a doubles champion, ack the shame.

[thuds]

Useless child, you're no grand slam material.

I'm finished with yous.

At least now we can get some sleep.

Sleep, no way you're going to make me another one.

New balls, please.

[Narrator] Coming soon from Desperate Franchise

Productions, Four Weddings and a Funeral, the Reboot.

[knocks on door]

-Starring Cheryl Tweedy. -[thuds]

-Cheryl Cole. -[thuds]

-Cheryl Ferdnandez. -[thuds]

Cheryl, just Cheryl.

-Hello. -Hi, you're soaking.

Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.

This is like a summer's day for a jody.

Anyway, I proper loves you and that, will you marry us?

But, I don't even know who you are.

That doesn't matter, I've got a really good feeling

about this, we should definitely tie the knot.

We're met to be together, look.

Ah, I think you want next door, this is number 21.

[sighs]

[Narrator] Also coming soon, Notting Hill, the Reboot.

I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy

asking him to rush into a car crash relationship

and end up on the cover of Closer Magazine.

Oh please look, I'm sorry I stopped you.

Please, just let me go.

[sighs]

[Narrator] New BBC cookery show pilot, check one.

Welcome to the great United Kingdom Cake-off.

Oh, sounds a bit like Bake-off.

-Shh, naughty. -[laughs]

BBC's completely new and 100% original shows.

Set in the famous Cake-off marquee.

Yes, not a tent at all.

Let's bring in our cookery expert, Mary Berry.

Hurry up Mary, if we get this out quickly enough

Channel Four's show will be sunk.

Like a bad souffle.

But, I can't help feeling someone's missing.

Don't worry, Mary, we've found the perfect

replacement for Paul.

The Tessbot 2000.

Keep baking, keep baking, keep baking.

Well, she's much more articulate than he was,

but is she any good in the kitchen?

-You betcha. -Thanks to

this new attachment.

Keep whisking, keep whisking, soggy bottom.

[mellow music]

I won't be reapplying for the job as I must confess

I am not without sin myself.

I once found a sixpence on the dressing room floor

and I'm ashamed to say I pocketed it and treated myself

to some mint imperials.

Luckily, the story never got out.

Look lively, May, our new program starts soon.

It's not on until November.

I know, but it will take us at least until then

to work out how to find this bloody Amazon channel.

I think you need one of these.

What the hell is that?

It says to plug it into your HDMI port.

What in God's trousers is one of those.

I don't know.

We're having IT issues, we need a child. Where's Hammond?

It says here you need the code for your wifi.

Wifi, there's no such word.

For the internet connection.

You can't watch telly on the internet.

I know how to sort this, bosch.

Just work damn, you, bosch.

Oh no, now we'll never see it.

Hang on, old gits arguing and massive explosions.

This is pretty much what

-episode one was anyway. -Nice.

[dramatic music]

Wow, Coronation Street, I like can't believe

that you're still going.

I can't believe you are. Fancy a quick one?

Always, that's why I've got another

bloody baby on the way.

Would you believe it, man, eight kids

by five different women.

Is that all. That's naught.

I've got more women on this street pregnant

than you've had come back tours.

Like, why does this keep happening to us?

What can we do?

Well, we could always just stop randomly shagging about.

[laughs]

Yeah, good one man, nice, yeah.

I hate Judge's Houses week.

Why is that?

My home was totally trashed.

The neighbors complained about all the noise.

There was sick all over the carpet.

-Oh. -And, I had to

sort it all out before the contestants got there.

Well, if you will leave Ozzy in charge.

Have you voted to leave, Europe?

Worried about what kind of deal you're going to get

from the EU?

Then, you need comparetheMerkel.com.

This Merkel searched through literally thousands

of lousy bills to find the worst possible deal for you

whether it's no more EU subsidies, no more Visa free travel

to Europe, or no cheap labor to pick your asparagus.

We are going to stitch you up good and proper.

I used comparetheMerkel.com.

They found me such a lousy deal I had to create

a fictitious cabinet post just to have someone else

to take the blame.

So, if you're the Minister for Brexit why not

trigger Article 50 and get a free shit sandwich?

At least it's a good old British shit sandwich.

ComparetheMerkel.com I guarantee you won't

find a worse deal anywhere.

And, if you wanted the old, soft cuddly Merkel

you should have stayed in the EU, simples huh.

[Narrator] Stop-tober.

Most doctors will tell you smoking and drinking

could shorten your life.

But, for some reason my doctor say do it as much

as you like, Nige.

She's a lovely bird, from Poland as it happens, cheers.

[belches]

[punchy upbeat music]

Help, help oh help.

It's all right Miss Willoughby, pest control.

Oh, thank God, it's horrible. I don't know what to do.

I'm on it. Now, where did you last see this pest?

Going through my knicker drawer.

Boobies, buns, dingles.

[laughs]

Oh dear, that is definitely a Keith Lemon.

There's a lot of him about.

They say you're never more than six minutes

away from a Keith Lemon on telly

these days, filthy creature.

-Funny flaps. -Get it away from me.

Calm down, love, it's just a character.

How did it get in, through the u-bend?

Probably through the keyhole.

Oh no, it's humping my dressing table now.

Big knob, boobies, big knob, boobies.

Get rid of it.

Not a problem, I'll draw a cock and balls in the dirt

on the back of my van.

The Keith Lemon won't be able to resist it.

And, once you've got it out of my house

can you get it off my TV?

[laughs]

Sorry love, I don't do miracles.

Bangers and backs.

[groans]

[upbeat music]

[Audience] Boo.

So, let me get this straight.

You've had five children by four different fathers.

I have, Jeremy, yeah.

That's disgraceful, come back when

you've had another 10, time waster.

[grunts]

[audience cheers]

We asked 100 smokers what they thought of stop-tober.

Top answer was, [coughs].

So, well done if you've got that at home.

[Narrator] This is Judge Rinder and this is

his pretend court.

In court is Adele, she's looking for millions

in compensation for loss of future earnings.

The defendant is her boyfriend.

-So Adele. -♪ Hello, it's you♪

Bet that's the first time anyone's ever

done that joke.

I'll do the bitchy stares in my courtroom.

So, million of pounds?

Your boyfriend must be a right bastard.

-That's just it, he isn't. -I'm sorry?

He's a bleeding gent, he is.

I've written three albums about my bastard

ex-boyfriends, but what have I ever got out of this one?

-Flowers, everyday. -Exhibit A.

You unselfish, non-bastard, I'll never be able

to write another hit.

-But, I love you. -I love you, too.

Oh God, I've never been so unhappy.

[sobs]

Oh, hang on a moment, this is working.

♪ Never been ♪

♪ So unhappy ♪

[gavel bangs]

♪ Cause I chose ♪

♪ A lovely chappy ♪

♪ Not a bastard, it's the pits ♪

♪ Only bastards inspire my hits ♪

♪ Never gonna win another gold♪

-Why? -♪ Except pay me ♪

♪ For this song ♪

♪ And that's law♪

[cheers]

Oh yes, still got it. Thank you.

What a ruddy diva.

[punchy upbeat music]

So, what bus are we waiting for?

-Number 10. -In that case,

we could be here for some time.

Now, now Sadiq, let's not spoil a great conference.

[siren wails]

Oh no, it's Sarah Lancashire.

Right, where's the blood bath?

Blood bath, no, no we are completely united now.

Yes, there's nothing to see here.

That's what they all say, but then I uncover

a trail of vice, drugs, and prostitution.

You leave Keith Vaz out of this.

My instinct tells me it's about to kick off.

-Absolutely not. -No more vicious

in fighting here.

So, what do you call this?

-Owen Fingie. -I am completely

behind Jeremy and haven't in any way been made to say that.

-[laughs] -[thuds]

You see we've moved on.

We're all one big family now.

One big family, with simmering tensions

and historic grudges that fester like an open wound.

Nonsense, we're going to unite under a socialist banner

and win the next election.

I knew there were drugs involved.

What are you lot on?

We're on the way to oblivion.

-Traitor. -Trot.

-Blowout. -God this is depressing.

My kind of place.

[mellow music]

At the next debate Hillary's not gonna know what hit her.

Good for you, money. I mean, honey.

Things are gonna get personal.

I'm gonna talk about Bill and his creep relationships

with women far younger than he is.

-Yeah. -[mellow tones]

Oh, look Trump call on the Trump hotline.

-Hello. -Hello, Donald it's me Kim.

How did you get a hold of my details?

I crack your password, it's Trump Password, right?

How did you work that out?

You and me have lots in common.

I like naming everything after myself, too.

We both have fabulous and not at all ridiculous hair.

Well, that's true.

I also hate southern neighbor.

I build big fence to keep foreign scum out.

Kim, I gotta tell you I like you.

And, we both think nuclear weapons are good idea.

Well, if you've got 'em you might as well use 'em.

So, when you president we should get together.

Sure, it's gonna be great. You can also meet my daughter.

Like I said on that talk shows, she's so hot.

If I wasn't her father, I'd date her myself.

Wow, you sick, you too crazy for me. Good luck, USA.

Give up smoking for a whole month? You must be joking.

It would make me irritable, grumpy,

and likely to hit someone.

[growls]

[stately music]

As we can see this is a beautiful gardener's trowel

from the 18th century, complete with the original--

Sot that, how much can I flog it for?

-Wait a minute, millions-- -Millions?

Millions of viewers want to see your hopes

slowly raised and then cruelly dashed.

[bell tolls]

[ominous music]

[gasps]

Oh no, it's the Grimmie Reaper

Yeah, it's me, Nick Grimshaw, TV's go to haircut and legs.

I've come to kill your show stone dead.

No, you'll never do it. We've got a massive audience.

So did the Radio One Breakfast Show

till I started presenting it.

[laughs]

Stay back, I've got a fake 18th century trowel.

-Fake? -And, I'm not afraid

to use it.

Ha, you can't kill me.

No matter how many times I die on telly

I always rise again.

-Remember me on the X Factor? -Not really.

Exactly, and yet here I am still wafting around TV studios

like a poison fart exhibiting considerably less charisma

than my crazy haircut would lead you to expect.

I'm gonna bleed your show dry of viewers.

-Never. -Wanna see some selfies

of me at Mahiki drinking Jagerbombs with someone

who looks a bit like Alexa Chung?

-[All] No. -[footsteps]

See, with banal youthy banter, I'm scaring off

anybody over the age of 21.

Talk about a worthless feat.

[laughs]

[mellow musiC]

All right, what we got.

Bill, bill, oh, what's this?

Dear Mister Allerdyce you've brought the whole game

of football into disrepute.

You're clearly a man willing to use your position

to make extra money for yourself.

Would you be interested in a job at FIFA?

Jump in, we're off to Zurich.

Do you want a ciggy, Kate?

Oh, no way Cara, it's stop-topber. I've totally given up.

You need to try vaping, it's so much better for you.

Uh, I don't think you're meant to set light to it.

[coughs]

Oh, this is the real deal.

[explodes]

-Awesome man. -[groans]

[urgent music]

You're watching Sky News with me Kay Burly,

milking innocent victims for misery like human cows.

[hisses]

-Hi, Burley. -Hi Rupe.

You wanna go make some people cry?

-Sure thing. -[hisses]

-Let's go. -[upbeat music]

♪ I'm a Burley girl ♪

♪ In a Burley world ♪

♪ Face of plastic ♪

♪ It's fantastic ♪

♪ Made Peter Andre cry ♪

♪ And, I love when people die ♪

♪ Trolling the nation ♪

♪ Is my recreation ♪

♪ Go on Burley ♪

♪ You're my girly ♪

♪ Ah ah ah yeah ♪

♪ Be a bitch ♪

♪ And make me richer ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Ask a murder's wife ♪

♪ About their sex life ♪

Love, maybe you should have put out more.

♪ A grieving relly ♪

♪ Makes great telly♪

Are you sad your mom's dead?

She's what?

♪ You can hope, you can pray ♪

♪ But my toxic face is here to stay ♪

♪ Come on Burley ♪

♪ You're my girly ♪

♪ Ah ah ah yeah ♪

♪ Being not nice ♪

♪ Swells my share price ♪

Aren't you going to apologize for Isis?

Huh, I' Zayn Malik.

♪ Dredge the sewers ♪

♪ Get more viewers♪

What is this garbage?

Oh Rupe, I'm having so much fun.

Wow, I do believe she's even more evil that I am.

[hisses]

[groans]

[punchy upbeat music]