Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

[classical instrumental music]

Now here's a lovely recipe for disaster.

Take one much loved BBC show, separate the hosts,

leaving the only ingredient nobody much cares for.

Hey, I heard that.

And watch channel 4 stew in its own juices.

See you, I'm off.

What can I say?

I've always been obsessed with dough.

[Reporter] Kim, Kanye, how do you feel

about the Brangelina split?

It's so sad.

I just look at all those headlines about Brad

and Angelina and think why aren't they about us.

Hey, honey, you know what we should do,

we should get a divorce.

You're so smart.

That's why I love you baby.

Can I still see your butt at the weekend?

[rapping]

[Announcer] Judge Rinder to the Streetly studio floor.

Wish me luck Ed Balls.

You'll be fine.

Just remember, it doesn't matter what they say.

They're not even real judges.

And your point is?

Anyway, it's alright for you Ed Balls,

you've had plenty of experience of this kind of thing.

I've never ballroom danced before.

I meant being humiliated in a public vote.

Jazz hands.

[classical instrumental music]

Come along everyone.

The flight to Canada leaves whenever we bloody well

say it does.

[groaning]

What is in here?

Charlotte.

Can't blame a bloke for trying.

Babies on planes get right in my tits.

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get that.

You finished packing.

Oy, oy Savalois.

Good day mate, we're here for the room.

AirBNB.

Come on in.

S-truth.

I wasn't expecting this.

Well, it's no palace.

Actually it is.

I want cash up front.

Whoa, easy money.

Muah, I just kissed great granny.

Now, there's free parking on the helipad

and a spare butler under the stairs.

[baby coos]

Ah, the key.

Nice.

Tarsis.

Sorted.

And don't worry mate, we won't have any parties.

Aye?

What's the point then, go nuts.

Just don't take a dump on the rug.

They really don't like it when you do that.

Come along children.

Who are they?

Oh, I booked a couple of cleaners

to dust all the old clubber while we're away.

Oh, right.

Come on, let's go and shoot some moose.

Be lucky.

Well, hey, party time.

Oh, and leave us a five-star review, yeah,

or I'll send round the SAS.

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

What are you minions doing?

We've just heard the result

of the labor leadership contest.

Ah, who was the winner?

You are.

Next general election's in the bag.

To Jeremy Corbyn.

All we've got to do now is solve Brexit.

[All] Nah.

Stodhill 2020, Stodhill 20, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[kicky music]

Ah, Messier Anadole, I hope you find

your date to your liking.

I am sure you have made a good choice, Senor Fred.

Ah, hee, ho, what a stupidly

stereotypical foreign accent.

This way please.

Wow, you have matched me up with my true love.

Look at you, you're totally gorgeous.

You are the only one for me.

There could never be another.

I love you forever.

Now leave us.

Ah, l'amour.

[making kissing sounds]

I'll have that mirror when you finish with it.

[Reporter] So Kay, are you upset

at the Brangelina split?

Upset, I'm devastated.

A broken family, human suffering and I wasn't

there to stick a microphone in their faces

until they burst into tears.

Delicious salty, salty human tears.

[Announcer] He's back.

Jeremy Corbyn is the Corbynator.

He came from a different time.

I come from the past to take everyone back there.

Ooh.

I need your clothes, your sandals,

and your bicycle.

Certainly dear, that'll be 8 pounds 50.

I haven't got any cash on me.

I'll be back.

[Announcer] He is programmed to kill off

any chance of the labor party ever being elected.

Only one person could stop him.

Don't forget to Owen Thingy.

[Announcer] But it definitely wasn't him.

There's no escape.

It's no good.

The model TUC Monu70 is totally indestructible.

I have a vision for the future

and it's the past.

Renationalize the railways, reopen northern coal pits,

scrap Trident, hasta la vista Thingy.

[Announcer] The Corbynator, Lack of Judgement Day,

coming soon.

Well, I'm certainly not going any time soon.

[gentle music]

Phil, what's that horrible thing on your face?

That is my face Danny Dire.

No, I meant that horrible thing on your horrible face?

Oh, my new hipster beard.

Never saw you as a hipster Phil.

Sure am, check out my skinny jeans.

All jeans are skinny if you're fat enough.

You're just jealous.

East Enders moved on and you ain't, puss a pint.

One lager coming up.

Lager?

You ain't got no vegan craft ales?

Ooh, I supposed you'll be wanting some stuffed olive

from the Wolford Organic Farmers Market now.

Nah, I fancy some fried zucchini blossoms

with quinoa salad served on a granite slate.

Snap out of it.

I'm in control.

You should try mindfulness, it's the dogs.

Anyway, better get back to my new business,

a cat fight selling nostalgic cereals in bowls

made out of old vinyl records.

You've changed.

Because I'm gonna torch it for the insurance.

And he's back.

[Announcer] Out now, the new album from

the first lady of country music Hillary Clinton.

♪ I'm crazy ♪

♪ Crazy for power ♪

♪ Crazy ♪

[Announcer] Also featuring

♪ Working nine to nine even though I got pneumonia ♪

♪ I'll insist I'm fine ♪

♪ I would work straight through ebola ♪

♪ And I'm still not as sick as Trump ♪

[Announcer] And the tear jerker.

♪ D-I-V-O-R-C-E is not a thing I do ♪

♪ I need good PR from Bill ♪

♪ That's why we're not through ♪

[Announcer] Don't miss the Clinton comeback tour

♪ I picked a fine way to send my emails ♪

♪ Son of a gun don't give Trump one ♪

♪ He's a psycho ♪

[Announcer] Buy now and get Trump's

Highway to Hell absolutely free

It's gonna be great.

[majestic music]

[Announcer] Fromberis Sally has made a balentine

of pheasant, Dofenwas potatoes and Sussex truffles

served with an elderberry jus.

Ooh, dinner.

Rig, wait, good boy.

Sausages.

Sally you've taken an extraordinary bunch of flavors

and you've brought them together in

what could have been a pedestrian dish.

Greg.

[plate breaking]

Chicken.

Actually it's pheasant.

Anything else to add to your assessment of the food mate.

Ooh, potatoes.

Right, really well done Sally.

Sausages.

No, Greg, no.

Somebody grab his lead.

[glass breaking]

No, bad Greg.

Mind if I borrow your wooden spoon?

[glass breaking]

Greg, fetch.

[mimicking dog]

Right, can we reset the cameras and go for another take.

Oh, no, not again.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Let's give it a couple of minutes, eh?

Sausages.

[upbeat music]

I'm here in the Canary Islands,

outside the world's biggest ground based telescope.

It's amazing.

And if you look very, very carefully through it,

you might be lucky enough to find the answer

to the question that's been puzzling us all

for so long.

Just what planet is Noel Edmonds on?

[Reporter] So, your majesty.

Are you sad about the Brangelina split.

Not at all, it means we're now the biggest

celebrity couple now on the planet.

All we need is a catchy name.

Let's see, Phillip Mountbetten and Elizabeth Regina.

We could be known as Phegina.

Phegina?

Catchy, I like it.

We've been waiting ages.

Where's the train?

[Announcer] We'd like to apologize to passengers.

The 1712 service is delayed due to, um,

icy conditions on the track.

That's nonsense.

Yep, that's right I'm afraid.

Icy conditions I'm afraid, incorrect answer.

As any meteorologist will tell you,

it needs to be a good 10 degrees colder

for ice to form.

Oh, of course.

We asked a hundred Southern Rail executives

what better excuse you could have given.

Options include signaling problems,

alligator on the line at Doncaster or plain held

up by Jesse James and his gang.

Oh, I nearly said that.

Actual answer of course from the pointless

railway executives is you've already paid

for your season ticket and we only care

about our profits, so tough shit.

Well, what are you to do?

Make a complaint and demand my money back.

Pointless answer, so big well done if

you got that at home.

And good luck to you getting home, right.

Where's my limo, stretch obviously.

[banging]

These meatballs look absolutely delicious.

They've been lightly battered and then gently fried

in olive oil.

Dinner.

Well, you certainly perked up nicely

since the operation.

Yum, yum, tasty, tasty.

Yep, they really are the dog's bollocks.

[howling]

[Reporter] So, Gary, how do you feel about

the Brangelina split?

I feel absolutely gutted for them.

Now they've split up, they'll no longer benefit

from their married couple's tax allowance

and as high earners, oh, is that your 10P,

that's going straight to the Cayman Islands.

[Announcer] What are they really thinking?

What do they really get up to?

With hidden cameras and expert psychologists,

this is the secret lives of 50 years olds.

This is so exciting.

This is brilliant, this is brilliant,

how cool is this, wow brilliant.

Look I have got a sports car, you will like me now.

Vroom.

Chris is displaying signs of developmental issues

that we often see with 50 year olds, especially boys.

He should have started growing up 20 or 30 years ago,

but now he probably never will.

Vroom.

[Edie] Chris has been in the dressing up box

trying to dress half his age.

[Dr. Quack] He's joined by 56-year-old Jeremy.

Oye, Evans, nobody wants to watch you

playing with cars.

Give me back my cars, give me back my cars.

No, serves your right for copying you.

I was not copying you.

You're a copycat.

If you say that again, I'll punch you in the face.

I will.

Copying me again.

Go on then, nobody's watching.

Nobody's ever watching you.

[Dr. Quack] Now he's turned 50,

Chris is worried nobody will pay any attention

to him ever again.

[whining]

A tantrum like this is classic attention seeking.

[Dr. Quack] Chris is worried he's

been abandoned by all the friends

who are paid to like him.

Come on, Joey, sorry, I mean, Matt.

I promise I'll be nice this time, I will, I promise.

[dial tone]

[whining]

Never mind Owen Thingy, at least you tried.

But Ed, I so wanted to be the man

who united the party.

You did, you united them all behind Jeremy Corbyn.

Cheers.

[jazzy music]

Ah, always wanted to come to Coronation Street,

my second favorite road to start Ramplication Avenue.

All right, mate, what's your poison?

Tedly Nightshed, 100% organic

and hard to tress.

Pisser.

64 bleeding years, wouldn't you be.

Oh, my mistake.

You want a wine.

No one takes me seriously.

I'm just a boring object of division

with multiple marriages and a string

of stupid business ventures.

Me and all mate.

What's worse, I'm still living in the shadow

of my brassy mother Liz.

Why won't she just push off and let me take over.

Hey, me and you are just the same.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just here

to provide slapstick light relief.

[groaning]

Right, I'm off to the Queen Vic.

At least she only hung around for 63 years.

Um, excuse me, have you seen my producer.

I'm right here Claudia.

Oh, yes, hello.

Will the new Tess bot upgrade be ready

for tonight's live show?

You bet.

We've linked her up with a computer program

that's a lot more charismatic and natural than her.

Look.

Hello, Siri, what is banter.

[Siri] Banter is a form of conversation

that is engaging and spontaneous.

Keep dancing, keep dancing, keep dancing, keep dancing.

Oh, no.

It's okay.

We can control her remotely via her ear piece.

Just help me get it in.

Slight problem.

With this upgraded version there's no headphone jack.

Now she won't have a clue what's going on.

Well, it's worked for us so far.

Bouncer, bouncer, bouncer, bouncer.

[upbeat music]

Oh, no, they've taken the telly.

Call the police.

I already have.

There's an officer on the way.

All right, loves.

Oh no, not Sara Lancasher.

Happened to be driving by and saw

the broken window, thought I'd impetuously

follow it up without knowing what

I was getting into or calling for backup.

Listen, we're fine, right.

We needed a new telly anyway.

Yes, that's right.

Please don't doggedly investigate.

Something tells me there's more to this crime.

No, no, just leave it, right,

don't poke around.

How do you explain this?

Corrupt business man obviously in way over his head

hiding behind your curtains.

I'm in way over me head.

Told you.

Or this?

Prostitute with a knife in her belly

shooting up behind your sofa.

We can't, we can't explain it.

You know that takes six grueling episodes

and even then we'll be left confused and upset.

Right, stay there.

I'm off to chase him for ages and ages.

Lock all your doors, it's about to get really gritty.

Oy, you little shit turd.

[funky music]

So the Liptons were in Brighton this week

and so was I.

Not for a conference, I was just out clubbing

because I'm so shitting cool.

Tiny venue, a few crazy people off their heads,

but enough about the Lipton conference.

Brrupt!

Hi, I'm Bear Grylles.

Now you like me can get that rugged island adventure look

without ever having to leave your five-star hotel.

With the Bear Grylles easy option adventure pack.

Inside you'll find Bear Grylles powdered mud.

Just add water and apply to your cheeks

and you too can look rugged on TV without

breaking a sweat.

Pack also includes Bear Grylles twigs and leaves,

simply add to your hair to make it look

like you've been sleeping in a hedge

when in fact you've been in satin sheets.

Before wussy public school boy.

After, daring international adventurer.

And to combat those tell tale soft hands,

use Bear Grylles sandpaper.

Stick onto your palm for that rough

been hacking my way through the jungle

with a machete feel.

Wow, so rough, so macho.

Unleash the inner Bear in you.

[Announcer] The Bear Grylles Adventure Pack.

Ideal for the hotel based survivalist.

Right, time for Bear to source some mountain spring water

from the mini bar.

How much?

Ouch, I've been badly stung.

[Voice Over Intercom] Trevor, Trevor, Trevor.

Oh, no, sounds like something's wrong

with the Len bot.

Oh, no, Len's not a robot.

That's just him being normal.

[Len] Trevor, Trevor, Trevor.

Hmm.

[funky music]

Now listen up minions.

I'm inviting the entire GP paraolympic team

to Downing Street.

For a photo call?

To celebrate their record medal hall.

So you can bask in their reflective glory?

No, you fools.

I'm going to cancel their disability benefits.

[gasping]

You've seen the footage of them running around

jumping and swimming.

Don't tell me they qualify for help.

Ooh, despicable.

Blimey Adele, you've brought me to a sushi bar.

Dead posh, you've changed.

Oh, leave it out, I'm still just an humble

working class eastern girl.

It's all the same stuff.

Welks, cockles, jelly dios, yellowfin tuna

and caviar sashimi.

Oh, look, it comes with ricing with a prawn on top.

Oh, I love them I do.

Oh, it's going.

It's gone, no, but I love you.

Please don't leave me.

You'll get over it Adele.

Never.

♪ You left me all forlorn ♪

♪ My darling rice and prawn ♪

♪ Now all I feel is pain ♪

♪ Because I won't see you again ♪

Oh, there it is.

Oh, you've come back to me.

Oh, I'm so happy.

It's gone again.

♪ I'm so full of remorse ♪

♪ Wasabi and soy sauce ♪

♪ I thought our love would never end ♪

Well, if you're not having it.

♪ Then you left me for my best friend ♪

♪ I've had enough of this malarkey ♪

♪ So I'll get pissed on sake ♪

[glass breaking]

[dramatic music]

[groaning]

Okay, Landon, you win again.

Next time I think it's good idea

you let Vladmir win or maybe you get

turned into heart.

[grunting]

Uh, one moment my furry friend.

Yoo hoo.

Ah, Kim, I can't talk now, I'm busy,

I'm wrestling a bear.

It's manly pastime for manly man.

But it is emergency.

I need you to give me phone number

of Wendy Dang.

Nobody take me seriously as wicked tyrant

till I date Wendy Dang.

Huh?

She have been romantically linked to you,

Rupert Murdock and Tony Blair,

three most evil men in world.

You give me her number now.

I'm sorry Kim, I don't have it.

You mean you never date crazy Wendy?

Of course I did, I love manly sexing

with this lady woman.

Me definitely do jiggy jiggy with Wesley.

I mean Wendy.

Just heard many stories I didn't in any

way plant in state sponsored newspaper.

See, it's all true.

But I lost her number somehow.

Okay, no matter, plan B.

You got phone number of Ivana Trump?

Trump?

Wow, Kim, you really are going over

to the dark side.

James Bond.

Please can I be Bond.

[Announcer] Tom Huddleston is double oh

please let me do it, I'll be cheaper than Daniel Craig.

A pair of aces.

My game I think Mr. Bond.

Except I also have a pair of buttocks.

[Announcer] In the Man With the Golden Buns.

Do you expect me to talk.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to put

your swimming trunks back on.

Never.

[Announcer] Yes, Bond is back

and he's not afraid to get his ass out.

In fact, he's had it written into his contract.

Oh, put some trousers on Bond.

I'm wearing invisible trousers.

I got them from Q.

I'm recommending you take psychiatric leave.

[Announcer] Daniel Craig could be back

for Big Bucks Only.

Oh, bum.

Oh, rickasha, David Dude is off to

interview the Icelandic chancellor.

I'm so cool, Iceland would warm me up, shwing.

Not so fast.

Peston, out of my way.

Breaking news, there's a new king of cool in town.

Snooze night will have to wait.

Peston on Sunday.

Your show's so square, I'd rather go to church.

Scapoong.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

[funky music]

♪ Listen up Davis, Mr. News Night wannabe ♪

♪ You like my understanding of the Belgian economy ♪

♪ I'm the news with attitude ♪

♪ The public sector enemy ♪

♪ I can rap about the euros and financial hedger money ♪

♪ Put down the mike and check this out Pesto ♪

♪ With mother got her heads up on the Lipton manifesto ♪

♪ This is my hood ♪

♪ Who says you can breeze in and lecture my homies ♪

♪ About quantitative easing ♪

♪ At the last EU summit and this ain't no lie ♪

♪ I filmed a report ♪

♪ Without wearing a tie ♪

♪ Got something to say punk ♪

♪ You're wasting your breath ♪

♪ I just interviewed the head of the IMF ♪

♪ Financial exclusive ♪

♪ You ain't got a hope ♪

♪ This interment blunders back four cost is dope ♪

♪ You're think you're the news dog ♪

♪ You think you is it ♪

♪ But Angela Merkel said you don't know shit ♪

[Gang Member] Touche bruh, touche.

♪ Now listen up Rose, Davis is dissing me ♪

♪ What's the Greek finance minister is missing me ♪

♪ So long sucker, hey D if you beg ♪

♪ I'll lend you my phone ♪

♪ You can talk to Ned Clegg ♪

♪ Hey hold the front page ♪

♪ Rob's got a story, exclusive by Peston ♪

♪ Theresa May's a tory. ♪

♪ Your show is a dog and you've got no class ♪

♪ Dis me again I'll pop a cap in your ass ♪

Fiscal cap or interest rate cap?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Gru Murthy.

You two bozos just missed the US Federal Reserves

interest rate announcement, zink.

You're not even the coolest presenter on channel 4 news.

Yeah, and John Snow is old enough to be your dad.

Ha, he went down faster than the footsy after Brexit.

Respect.

[upbeat music]