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1
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,240
[punchy upbeat music]
2
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:11,680
I'd like to thank David Cameron
3
00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:14,960
for stepping down as
an MP with such grace.
4
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:18,400
We will see that he gets a
proper send off which reflects
5
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,560
the regard in which he is
held by the British public.
6
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:22,640
[underwater screaming]
7
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,960
Flush him, flush him, flush him.
8
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,160
-[David] Stop!
-[laughs]
9
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,680
[laughs]
10
00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:32,440
Right, could you write the
software's name down for me
11
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:33,800
on a piece of paper?
12
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:37,040
Piece of paper, ha ha,
yeah, good one, grandpa.
13
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:38,760
A piece of paper, as if.
14
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,480
Right, who's next? Mrs. Winkelman?
15
00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:44,720
Oh yes, hello, I've got
a problem with my device.
16
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,000
Smartphone or tablet?
17
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,880
-A cohost.
-Keep dancin',
18
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:51,040
keep, keep, keep dancin'.
19
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,840
Oh, the TessBot 2000.
20
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,840
She needs fixing, and fast.
21
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,280
The live shows start next week.
22
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,000
What happened, has she been dropped?
23
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,920
Oh well, bafflingly, no,
and it's been 14 series now.
24
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:05,000
Hello, System Check,
report function status.
25
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,640
The judges' scores are in,
in, in, in, in, in, in--
26
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,440
Oh dear, did someone ask her a question
27
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:10,440
not on the auto queue?
28
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:13,760
Biz boom, dancer flambrioliolioli.
29
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,680
Okay, let's try a quick restart.
30
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,120
[mechanical whirs]
31
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,080
Oh dear, totally blank.
32
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,600
Great, brilliant, she's back to normal.
33
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,240
[stealthy music]
34
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,560
Listen up, Peaky Bakers.
35
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:30,680
It's time for our gang to
muscle in on some new turf.
36
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,240
Bake-off's moving to
Channel 4, who's going?
37
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,040
No way, we're pulling out.
38
00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:37,000
Woo-ha, pulling out, bit rude.
39
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,360
[laughs]
40
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,480
Shut your layer cake holes and listen.
41
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,440
This deal means we could all be richer
42
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:43,880
than sticky toffee pudding.
43
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,800
Aunt Mary, let's see the dough.
44
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:46,640
Here it is.
45
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,720
Nice, with this much bread,
46
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,240
you and me could own
cooking on television.
47
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:52,880
No one could stop us.
48
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,640
-[glass shatters]
-[Mary] Bomb!
49
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,560
Chocolate bomb, with shards of meringue.
50
00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,040
And there's only one scumbag
51
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,520
who tempers chocolate that badly.
52
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:04,560
-Sausages, potato.
-Oy, Peaky Bakers,
53
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,120
this is our patch.
54
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:07,560
-Meat.
-[gasps]
55
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:08,400
Good boy, Greg.
56
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,640
Us master chefs built up
the competitive cookery
57
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,600
slash baking genre from nothing.
58
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,360
Then you lot just swan in
for 10 episodes each summer
59
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:16,880
and get double our viewing figures.
60
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,480
-[growls]
-Cockerels
61
00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:20,520
And now you two could
piss off to Channel 4
62
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:24,080
for some easy money, nobody
disrespects Artie babe.
63
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:27,480
Back down, Torode, by
order of the Peaky Bakers.
64
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,680
-No chance.
-Watch out, he's got
65
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:30,680
a massive weapon.
66
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,160
And a kitchen utensil.
67
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,040
[laughs]
68
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:35,160
-Greg, kill.
-[Greg roars]
69
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:36,320
[explosion]
70
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:37,960
What the dingo is that?
71
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,520
I think your kitchen might have just
72
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,320
mysteriously burned down.
73
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,640
I put it on Gas Mark 3000.
74
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,000
You've just made a big mistake.
75
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,320
Not as big as Channel 4.
76
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,200
Who-ha, wobble quiff.
77
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:54,400
Well, the little one's
coming along very nicely.
78
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:55,240
[yells]
79
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,840
Hello, antenatal ward, great to be back.
80
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,520
Ah, you must be the grandfather.
81
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,680
Excuse me, I'm the father.
82
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:07,200
-Hi Mick.
-Hey, I'm one in five.
83
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,440
-Stella, Louise.
-[sighs]
84
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,200
-Melanie.
-That's the one.
85
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,800
Now, about your birth plan,
will you be wanting drugs?
86
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,120
Too bloody right, I will.
87
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,840
So, you are going to make
it to the birth, then.
88
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,000
Who knows, every day is a bonus, doc.
89
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,680
Oh look, it's wriggling
around all over the place.
90
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,840
Yeah, it's definitely mine.
91
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,360
Oh, good grief, your waters have broken.
92
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,440
Whoops, my bad, a little accident.
93
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,440
Just call me Jumping Jack Splash.
94
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:36,600
-[yells]
-[thuds]
95
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:39,160
Looks like we'll need to find another bed.
96
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:43,040
In your dreams, love,
you're far too old for me.
97
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,480
[Narrator] Bake off presenter
auditions, Chris Evans.
98
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:47,320
[clacks]
99
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:48,800
You want a new presenter
for a long running,
100
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,400
smash hit TV show who
definitely won't ruin it
101
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,120
and lose millions of viewers.
102
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,960
I'm your man, brilliant.
103
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,560
Anyone for doughnuts by the Cenotaph?
104
00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:59,600
You've got pneumonia, Missus Clinton.
105
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,760
You need to get plenty of rest.
106
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,880
Hey honey, I made you your
favorite, chicken soup.
107
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:05,960
How are you feeling?
108
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,840
I must be delirious.
109
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,480
I dreamt I was running
for president against
110
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,880
an angry orangutan with tiny little hands.
111
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,040
-Um, honey.
-Oh my god,
112
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,360
it wasn't a dream.
113
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,560
I can't lie in bed, I
gotta get back out there.
114
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,600
If you'll just have a look at this chart.
115
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,120
I don't care how high my
goddamn temperature is.
116
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,920
That's not your temperature,
that's your poll rating.
117
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,000
For some reason, when you're not out doing
118
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,520
public appearances people seem to,
119
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,600
Forget how much they dislike you.
120
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,680
So, what do you idiots want me to do, huh?
121
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,160
Lie here for six weeks and say nothing?
122
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,200
Uh, chicken soup?
123
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,160
[mellow music]
124
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,000
This vase is quite unique.
125
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,520
It's late Edwardian and worth at least.
126
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,000
-[smashes]
-Oi, oi saveloy.
127
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,360
Here, forget about that
mucky lot of old clobber.
128
00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,360
What are you gonna give me
for this tasty piece of loot?
129
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,120
Is that a genuine Constable?
130
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,400
Where? Oh, I mean, is it? I wouldn't know.
131
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,320
I found it in the east
wing of Buckingham Pala--
132
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:08,160
[vocalizes]
133
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,080
Of me baby sister's Wendy house.
134
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,080
Nice one, Chaz.
135
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,400
Well, this masterpiece could fetch
136
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,360
about 10 million pounds.
137
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,360
Wa-hay, Vegas here I come.
138
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,200
[vocalizes]
139
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,000
I mean, here we come.
140
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,880
What about this bobby dazzler, yeah?
141
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,760
Is that the royal crown?
142
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,240
Well, you tell me, you're
the bleeding expert.
143
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,080
[sirens wail]
144
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:30,200
Uh-oh, it's the beefeaters.
145
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,240
Woo, I can't be caught with this.
146
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,320
Here, it's yours for whatever
you've got in your wallet.
147
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,200
-[vocalizes]
-My wallet!
148
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,760
Good work, sis, laters potaters.
149
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,280
Well, I--
150
00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:43,720
Oh, and if she asks you
ain't seen us, right?
151
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:46,760
Be lucky, oi oi saveloy.
152
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,920
[punchy upbeat music]
153
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,040
Ed Milliband, what can I get you?
154
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,840
-Cappuccino please.
-And, I'll have a latte.
155
00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:56,800
What's your name?
156
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,760
Owen, Owen Smith.
157
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,920
Weeks campaigning to be
labor leader and still
158
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,320
nobody knows who I am.
159
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,400
I wouldn't say that, Owen Thingy.
160
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,720
Even my exclusive story about fighting off
161
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:11,200
hundreds of louts to win
my wife only made page 33.
162
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,560
Well, don't worry, I've
got a plan to get you
163
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:14,960
back in the headlines.
164
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,920
-Meet Bogdam and Doorack,
-Hello.
165
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,360
Two eastern European rent boys.
166
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,000
-Hey?
-Same rents as Keith Vaz.
167
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,080
You'll be on the front pages in time.
168
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,120
I give up.
169
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,200
Coffee's for Ed and is it Gwen?
170
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,680
At least I tried.
171
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,520
[Narrator] Bake-off presenter
auditions, Noel Edmonds.
172
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,360
[clacks]
173
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,840
I've got this great idea
to tweak the format.
174
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:41,120
All the cakes are in
identical sealed boxes.
175
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,520
Then, the phone rings and it's the baker.
176
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,240
-[Woman] Next.
-[sighs]
177
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:46,080
[mellow music]
178
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:47,920
[Narrator] Coming soon
from Desperate Franchise
179
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:52,480
Productions, Top Gun, The Reboot.
180
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,480
Starring Vladimir Putin.
181
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,200
I feel the need, the need for speed.
182
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,360
Oh, I love this big chopper.
183
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,520
[Narrator] The world is on
the brink of Armageddon.
184
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,760
A Russian MiG has just
invaded NATO airspace.
185
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,160
-I know, I sent it.
-You're dangerous.
186
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,800
That's right, buddy. I'm
Maverick, I make up my own rules.
187
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:14,120
How else is Russia going
to win next World Cup.
188
00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:15,600
-[groans]
-Oh, goal-ski.
189
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:21,160
I'm going for missile lock,
ready aim, cease fire.
190
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:22,080
[explosion]
191
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,200
Oops, sorry wasn't me.
192
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,920
[Narrator] And, featuring that scene.
193
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,640
♪ You never close your eyes anymore ♪
194
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,720
♪ When I kiss your lips ♪
195
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,200
You are singing to the girl, right?
196
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,280
Oh yeah, to the girl, for sure.
197
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:38,920
♪ And, there's no tenderness♪
198
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,520
[Narrator] Will anyone ever be safe again?
199
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:45,080
Now, we oil our chests and
play manly beach volleyball.
200
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,720
Then, we take manly shower in manly man's
201
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:48,920
changing room, yes?
202
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,800
[Narrator] Top Gun, coming soon to
203
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,080
a sovereign airspace near you.
204
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:56,880
I love to cruise, oh I mean Tom Cruise.
205
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,240
-[jet engine]
-[dramatic music]
206
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,800
[mellow music]
207
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:06,200
You all right there, Danny Dyer?
208
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,520
Actually Phil, I'm
feeling a bit Queen Vic.
209
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,520
-You what?
-You know,
210
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,040
Cockney rhyming slang. Queen Vic, sick.
211
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,360
I've got a nasty case of the Sharon Watts.
212
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:15,280
What you talking about?
213
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,080
Sharon Watts, trots.
214
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,160
-Oh right.
-I think that kabab
215
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,760
I ate was a bit Dot Cotton.
216
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,200
Dot Cotton, rotten.
217
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:23,960
Now, you're getting the hang of it.
218
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,840
What you say we roll
out the barrel and have
219
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,920
a right royal Cockney knees up.
220
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,160
Blimey, you're action is Danny Dyer.
221
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,880
Dyre? Dyre on fire.
222
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,560
-No, shit.
-[groans]
223
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:38,280
[Narrator] Bake-off presenter
auditions, Michael Gove.
224
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:39,120
[clacks]
225
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:40,680
So, you want a new Mel and Sue.
226
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,000
Does it have to be a double act?
227
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,040
Only, I don't have many old friends left.
228
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,360
Also, I'm not allowed to go near a Nied's.
229
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,760
Will you be my friend?
230
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,600
Are you texting your ex again?
231
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,360
Hey? Of course I'm bloody not.
232
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:56,840
Oh, you sent these disgusting
photos to her, you bastard.
233
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:58,560
[glass breaks]
234
00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:01,480
Do I hear a domestic
dispute? Anger, violence?
235
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:04,080
It's pure Jeremy Kyle, come on my show.
236
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,840
No mate, we're fine,
we're all right, really.
237
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:08,720
Sympathetic voice, I
promise I won't pretend
238
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,080
to be your friend mate
or make you out to be
239
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,080
some kind of pantomime villain.
240
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,560
Boo, or goad you into an on screen fight.
241
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,880
Have you seen those disgusting photos?
242
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,160
-Yes.
-[sobs]
243
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:19,360
Oh, please don't cry, love.
244
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,600
Yeah, seriously, don't
cry you'll attract--
245
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,080
Do I hear the splash of tears?
246
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,800
Leave them alone, Kyle.
247
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,240
They belong to This Morning, now.
248
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,360
Think of all the sympathetic
nodding we can do
249
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,440
while these two break down on camera.
250
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,400
The tearing up.
251
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:35,440
The phone ins.
252
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,840
The inappropriate fit of giggles.
253
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:40,280
[laughs]
254
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,480
-Come with us.
-No, they're mine.
255
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,080
-Order, order.
-[bangs]
256
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,000
-Judge Rinder.
-As a fake judge,
257
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,120
from a pretend court I
cannot allow you to exploit
258
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,760
this couple for cheap
daytime entertainment.
259
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,160
-Hey?
-Because, I'm going to.
260
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,360
♪ It's courtroom drama time♪
261
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,120
I hope that phone still works.
262
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:04,920
I'm so going to need to see
those disgusting photos,
263
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,480
for evidence, obviously.
264
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,640
[punchy upbeat music]
265
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,560
Literally dying of thirst
Bear uses all his skills
266
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:18,480
and know-how to sort some water.
267
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,200
Oh look, it's Bear Grylls.
268
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,000
Master of survival techniques.
269
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,560
Bet he'll do something really hardcore.
270
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:27,920
-Oh god.
-[water splashes]
271
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,400
Oh, he's going to drink his own urine.
272
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,880
-OMG.
-So, tough.
273
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,880
And so, Bear sets out on his next mission
274
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,360
to find some extra strong mints.
275
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,440
[gags]
276
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,400
[Narrator] Bake-off presenter
auditions, Wayne Rooney.
277
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:46,200
[clacks]
278
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,160
I'd like to be a TV presenter when
279
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:49,760
my playing days are over.
280
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,200
And, given I wasn't even on
the bench for the big match
281
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,080
on Thursday, that looks like next week.
282
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,200
[whimsical music]
283
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,680
Ah, what I want, and a spot of bother on
284
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,600
the whole Minister for Foreigns Front.
285
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,240
-What now?
-I keep forgetting the names
286
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,200
of all those funny little countries.
287
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,960
So, I've made a new map to keep it simple.
288
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:09,800
[groans]
289
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,760
This is England, God save
her maj, rule Britannia,
290
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,640
footballs coming home, et cetera.
291
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,040
No change there, but from now on this bit
292
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:20,160
over here will be known as Krautland.
293
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,440
Everything south of here will be
294
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,200
Pickaninny Watermelon Island.
295
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,160
This lot live the People's
Republic of Chopsticks.
296
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,120
And, this naughty little bit here will be
297
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:32,840
Bomby, Bomby, Boomy, Bangy,
Jihadi Johnny Foreigner Land.
298
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,480
-Any questions?
-So, when would you
299
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:37,360
like us to start preparations
for World War III?
300
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,240
Oh dear, I said something
I shouldn't have.
301
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,320
I'll distract you with some funny words.
302
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,760
Algorithm, prognosticate,
cystitis, expelliarmus,
303
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,520
buzzar, vier, zip wire.
304
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:52,240
-[yells]
-[glass shatters]
305
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:55,680
I've gotta say Donald
Trump would never exploit
306
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,680
an opponent's poor health
for political gain,
307
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:01,680
but the fact is Illary, I
mean Hillary, has given in
308
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:02,800
to pneumonia, folks.
309
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,200
If I was president I would bomb pneumonia,
310
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,360
and I would build a wall to
stop pneumonians getting in.
311
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:10,280
[cheers]
312
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:11,600
[coughs]
313
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,480
[gasps]
314
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:15,080
Don't worry folks, I'm
fine. It's just a furball.
315
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,640
[meows]
316
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,360
[perky upbeat music]
317
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:21,800
♪ She's Missus Crown♪
318
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,760
[Narrator] Ladies and
gentleman welcome back
319
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,800
to Missus Crown's Boys.
320
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,800
Hello again, plebs, I'm just
about to feed the Corgis.
321
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,840
It's their favorite, Pedigree Swan.
322
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:32,760
[laughs]
323
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,600
Hello Mommy, have you heard the news?
324
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,200
It was all over the tabloids.
325
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,120
Someone's been filmed
snorting a suspicious powder
326
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,040
in the palace.
327
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,640
-Charlie?
-No, it was one
328
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:43,480
of your guards.
329
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:44,560
[laughs]
330
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:48,240
Apparently, he snorted it
off a ceremonial sword.
331
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,280
That is the most inappropriate
use of a royal sword
332
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,080
since I knighted Phillip Green
333
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,280
[laughs]
334
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:55,920
Of course, it might have just been snuff.
335
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,440
Well, the only thing that ever gets
336
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,280
up my nose is Camilla.
337
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:00,640
[laughs]
338
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:04,080
Goddamn it Lillibet, where
the fecking feck is it.
339
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,080
Looks like the old man's lost something.
340
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:07,720
Yes, his fecking marbles.
341
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:08,520
[laughs]
342
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,440
It's this bloody Brexit business.
343
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,400
I'm looking for my Greek passport.
344
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,960
I'm not paying 50 quid for a ruddy Visa
345
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,000
to visit Europe.
346
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,400
I blame the Germans.
347
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,040
You keep my family out of this.
348
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:20,320
[laughs]
349
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,720
That's what I love about
Missus Crown's Boys,
350
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,240
it's just one dodgy line after another.
351
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,240
[laughs]
352
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:27,120
Good night, plebs.
353
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,400
[crowd applauds]
354
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,200
[Narrator] New jobs for David Cameron,
355
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,240
number 23 Burger Bar.
356
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,960
Right, imagine I'm a
customer, sell me something.
357
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,440
I can't, I've already sold
everything off to China.
358
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:39,720
Just give me a burger.
359
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,360
Oh right, here you go.
360
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:42,800
And, would you like and OBE with that?
361
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,480
Of course, you will have to start on
362
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:45,880
a zero hours contract.
363
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,920
No problem, zero hours is exactly what
364
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,040
I used to work as an MP.
365
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,200
[Narrator] New, from Desperate
Franchise Productions
366
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,920
Suffragette, the Reboot.
367
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:59,640
In a time of great injustice
one woman would stand up
368
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,960
and be counted.
369
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,960
Sisters, I am a new breed of feminist.
370
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,200
Starring Kim Kardashian.
371
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,960
Fighting oppression of the patriarchy.
372
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,680
Fighting for the right to wear no clothes
373
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:14,400
-for publicity reasons.
-What?
374
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,000
[Narrator] One woman's
quest for empowerment.
375
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,400
Up votes for women, more
page views for my pum-pum.
376
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,160
Double click on my double Gs.
377
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,320
Put 'em away, madam.
378
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,200
-[slaps]
-Sexist.
379
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,960
All my life men have told me what to do.
380
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,160
Chain yourself to the railings, Kim,
381
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,640
you'll look really hot.
382
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:34,080
Shut up Kanye, you chauvinist pig.
383
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,280
I'm going to chain myself to
the railings to look really hot
384
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:39,560
-for feminism.
-Whatever.
385
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,280
[Narrator] Suffragette,
she changed the way women
386
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,480
would be see, forever.
387
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,560
Selfie, this is gonna like
break the printing press.
388
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,000
[Narrator] New jobs for David Cameron,
389
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,720
number 32, football coach.
390
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,120
So, what makes you think
you'll be right for this job?
391
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,120
Well, I've always been a massive fan
392
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,680
of Astonham Rovers.
393
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,760
This is Leicester City, we
need a safe pair of hands
394
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,840
who's not gonna do anything
stupid and reckless,
395
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,040
that sends us crashing out of Europe.
396
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,480
Good luck with the soccer ball.
397
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:09,680
[hums]
398
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:10,880
[gasps]
399
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:14,280
Come on Tyson, it's only a
month till the big fight.
400
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:17,120
Look at me, heavyweight
Champion of the World.
401
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,520
More like fat bastard weight champion.
402
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,800
I've never gonna hurt Klitschko.
403
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,600
Not with your fists, but
can still do some serious
404
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:25,840
damage with your gob.
405
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:29,600
Yeah, Klitschko, you devil worshiper.
406
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,240
Bosch, you have about as much charisma
407
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,480
as my underpants, bosch.
408
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:37,280
Nah, Klitchko's heard all your old stuff,
409
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:38,800
you need some new material.
410
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,920
So, I've got you an insults
coach, the most offensive
411
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,760
person I could find.
412
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,920
-Katie Hopkins?
-Look at those man boobs,
413
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,240
last time I saw nogs as big
as that was in a Starbucks
414
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,040
with a little brat attached, revolting.
415
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,280
Wow, that was below the belt.
416
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,840
-She's good.
-So, this Klitschko
417
00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,040
is Ukrainian, right?
418
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,760
Let's see what you've got.
419
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,480
Right, I'm gonna send
you to hospital, bosch.
420
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,960
Like all those other
sponging Eastern Europeans
421
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,040
-using our NHS for free.
-Ouch.
422
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:11,840
Come on, harder.
423
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:16,080
After I finish with you you'll
look even uglier, bosch.
424
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,800
You need to be more offensive, Tyson.
425
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,840
Oh Tyson, isn't that the
kind of name thick people
426
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,480
give to their ugly dogs?
427
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:24,800
Hock it in.
428
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,840
Actually, you are quite like a pitbull.
429
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,320
You should have be stuck
in a bag and drowned
430
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,000
-in a canal.
-Oy.
431
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:31,960
[thuds]
432
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,720
Best place for a woman, that, on her back.
433
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,760
Wow, my work here is done.
434
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,000
[rock music]
435
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,240
[X Factor theme music]
436
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:49,800
Okay Keith, let's hear what you've got.
437
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:50,880
♪ Bottoms and fannies ♪
438
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,440
♪ And willies and boobies ♪
439
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,800
♪ Boogies and bum grapes ♪
440
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,280
♪ And big snotty loogies ♪
441
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,720
♪ Fat hairy balls sacks ♪
442
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,080
♪ And men's dingalings ♪
443
00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,160
♪ These are a few ♪
444
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,200
♪ Of my favorite things♪
445
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,920
-Mine too.
-Oh.
446
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:04,240
♪ When the checks bounce ♪
447
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,720
♪ When the bank rings ♪
448
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,120
♪ When I'm feeling blue ♪
449
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:09,280
♪ I just shout a few ♪
450
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,000
♪ Of my favorite things ♪
451
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,120
♪ And get me own show ♪
452
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:16,560
♪ On ITV2♪
453
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:20,400
-Look ladies it's me wanger.
-You wish.
454
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:21,760
-Aw.
-Next.
455
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:25,640
[punchy upbeat music]
456
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,960
Can you help please? Which
way is it to Downing Street?
457
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,160
Downing Street, I'm heading there myself.
458
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,400
Oh, are you really?
459
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,880
Absolutely, you should
have seen the Corbinator
460
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,280
take Theresa May apart on Grammar Schools.
461
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,600
I know the way to go, follow me.
462
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,320
-Ah ha.
-And, left here.
463
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,040
-Okay.
-Left again.
464
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:47,680
And, take a left. Left, left again.
465
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,760
-Man.
-Then, that far left.
466
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,560
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
467
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,240
Oh, ye of little faith.
468
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,960
We just have to keep going.
469
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:55,960
-Left.
-Yep.
470
00:17:56,880 --> 00:18:01,880
Left. Left here. Then left.
471
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,800
You've led us to the wilderness.
472
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,360
Admit it, you've totally lost your way.
473
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:09,560
Not at all, look, Karl Marx.
474
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,800
See, I told you we were
on the right track.
475
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,360
Now left, even further left.
476
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,720
[Narrator] New jobs for David Cameron,
477
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:17,920
Number 75, Proctologist.
478
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,720
I've always wanted to try
my hand at Proctology.
479
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:23,560
[snaps]
480
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,520
What makes you an expert
in that particular
481
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:26,960
part of the anatomy?
482
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,960
Well, it takes one to know one.
483
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,560
[yells]
484
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,320
The buglatron particle
readings are off the chart.
485
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,760
There's about to be a tear
in the space time continuum.
486
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:37,720
[crackles]
487
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:39,640
-What the?
-There's no time.
488
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,400
I've come from the future to warn you,
489
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,880
well me, to get out while you still can.
490
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,920
The upcoming series of Doctor Who
491
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:47,640
gets even more complicated.
492
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,200
How is that even possible?
493
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,840
I jump across my own
potential future time streams,
494
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,160
vaporize my parents before I'm even born
495
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,280
and get scattered across the meta galaxy
496
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,320
while the TARDIS disappears
up it's own neutron flow.
497
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,360
-That's incomprehensible.
-Quick, hold onto
498
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,000
this time ring.
499
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,480
[crackles]
500
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,560
Where are we?
501
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,400
We've traveled way back in time to when
502
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,160
the series was much simpler.
503
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,920
-[thuds]
-And cheaper.
504
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,800
You will be exterminated.
505
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,360
It's an upside down bin
with some tennis balls
506
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,160
-stuck to it.
-Exactly,
507
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,880
and it's much easier to defeat.
508
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,400
By reversing the polarity,
using a reality manipulator
509
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,960
to harness the power of
the Hand of Rascelon.
510
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,200
No, by hitting it with a stick.
511
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,920
-[crashes]
-Ow, ow.
512
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,880
See, things were so much simpler
513
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,640
on the measly 1970s BBC budget.
514
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:39,640
-Hang on, BBC 1970s.
-[gasps]
515
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,400
We're next door to the
Top of the Pops studio.
516
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:43,440
Let's get out of here.
517
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,760
We can quantum time leap
stream to the confusing
518
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,520
past future chronomatrix.
519
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,160
-That's so complicated.
-Exactly, it's perfect.
520
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:56,000
Take me with you, take me with you.
521
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,600
[mellow music]
522
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:06,120
♪ Adele is me ♪
523
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:08,120
♪ I'm platinum selling ♪
524
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:11,840
♪ One woman music industry ♪
525
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:16,840
♪ My cash is rolling in the deep ♪
526
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,640
♪ I wipe my ass with 50s ♪
527
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,000
♪ I cry diamonds when I weep ♪
528
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:26,320
♪ But my soul is aching ♪
529
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,200
♪ And longing ♪
530
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:34,200
♪ For something I cannot have ♪
531
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:39,920
♪ I wanna be a normal bird ♪
532
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,040
♪ Drive a rusty Micra ♪
533
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:46,000
♪ Not be chauffeured ♪
534
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,880
♪ I wanna put my bins out ♪
535
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,720
♪ But my drive's nine miles long ♪
536
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,400
♪ And I live too far from a Primark ♪
537
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,280
♪ To buy a leopard print thong ♪
538
00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:02,280
♪ Wanna hit Lidl in the afternoon ♪
539
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:08,120
♪ Then follow onto Wetherspoons ♪
540
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,440
♪ I'll a pasty in Greggs ♪
541
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,440
♪ And sit on the floor ♪
542
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:15,720
♪ But my entourage ♪
543
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:20,080
♪ Won't fit in the store ♪
544
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,680
♪ And I when I take my purse ♪
545
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,480
♪ Out of my Prada coat ♪
546
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,320
♪ They can't give me change ♪
547
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,600
♪ For my thousand pound note ♪
548
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:36,600
♪ Wanna be an average joe ♪
549
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:41,920
♪ Why maybe there's a way to go ♪
550
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:47,760
♪ I know a normal thing I can do ♪
551
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:51,000
♪ I can swear like a trucker ♪
552
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,680
♪ Shit, bollocks, fuck you ♪
553
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,560
I wish I had a onesie from Asda,
554
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,680
this friggin' Versace dress
is itching right up my ass.
555
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,480
[punchy upbeat music]
40133
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