Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

♪ I used to sing about the boy next door ♪

♪ But now I'm older and I want much more ♪

♪ I want a man who understand my needs ♪

♪ Be the headline that the whole world reads ♪

♪ Then I met a guy who felt the same. ♪

Hi.

♪ You and I are both in love with fame ♪

♪ And I'm like you're amazing ♪

♪ And I'm like gosh ♪

♪ And I'm like Instagram that ♪

♪ And I'm like Christ ♪

♪ We're like really truly madly in love with fame ♪

♪ I first saw you when you won your Grammy ♪

♪ You were really cool in Downton Abbey ♪

♪ Uh, night manager ♪

♪ Whatever ♪

♪ I was instantly love with him ♪

♪ Could never be without my Tim ♪

♪ Uh, Tom ♪

♪ Whatever ♪

♪ The paparazzi want to see us kiss ♪

♪ I use the publicity stuntman for this ♪

♪ And I'm like this is trending ♪

♪ And I'm like what's that ♪

♪ And I'm like SnapChat spat ♪

♪ And I'm like come again ♪

♪ We're like really truly legally contractually ♪

♪ In love with you ♪

♪ We got 24/7 PR on tap ♪

♪ Oh, no, the Englishman's going to rap ♪

♪ T-Hitty in the house with a touch of class ♪

♪ I'm a serious actor ♪

♪ Have you seen my ass ♪

♪ My Corria Lane this was a hit at rad ♪

♪ About pretending this is real ♪

♪ Was a damn site harder ♪

♪ We're even bigger than Kanye and Kim ♪

♪ God I wish I had a butt like him ♪

♪ We got more hits than Orlando and Katie ♪

♪ Who's breaking the internet now matey ♪

♪ One last thing that we got to make up ♪

♪ That's a headline friendly breakup ♪

♪ It's a split up alert from my agent ♪

♪ And I'm like it's over ♪

♪ But who's going to be my arm candy for the Emmys ♪

♪ Nice to meet you Dom ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Whatever, next ♪

Hello, I'm Steven Mohan and welcome back

to Catch Phrase.

Now don't forget, you just have to say

what you see.

[buzzing]

A poor man's Upton Deck.

Haven't started yet.

Flogging a dead horse.

[buzzing]

No.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Stop it.

Money for old Rob.

This is certainly is.

Are you a politician having problems

with your dirty laundry?

Then you need new fast acting Vaz.

Perfect for those impossible to remove

stains in your character.

Just ask this expert.

I'm a washing machine salesman called Jim

and definitely not rent by scandal MP Keith Vaz

and I always recommend Vaz.

[knocking]

Are you ready to take the Vaz challenge.

This is a private matter.

It's idea for those stubborn and

hard to remove politicians.

I certainly don't know any of those.

Could your politician pass the Vaz doorstep challenge?

[Announcer] Warning, Vaz may boost sales

of the Sunday Mirror.

[Director] Taylor Swift boyfriend auditions

number 97, Alan Carr.

Hello Tay Tay, it's me.

We should so get together.

Swift Carr, oh, sounds like a mini-cab company.

I know our relationship would be a little far fetched,

but still more believable than your last one, oh.

Welcome to the Island with Bear Grylls,

where two teams of boys and girls take everything

the island can throw at them while I swan

around in a five-star hotel.

First rule of survival, avoid any unnecessary danger,

so welcome to the Island without Bear Grylls

because I'm nowhere near it.

My job is to hang out in a penthouse suite

and state the bleeding obvious,

like when the contestants haven't eaten

for two weeks.

They're all really hungry of if they're climbing

on a slippery cliff.

They could slip.

[thud]

Or if they're dangerously close to a very big crocodile.

[yelling]

Well, you get the idea obviously.

Why are my comments so obvious?

Because I've got so many other shows to churn out

that I've only got time to say the first thing

that comes into my head.

I forgot my phone charger.

Later I'll be saying some of this sort of stuff

on the roof by the pool because it looks

a bit like I'm on a boat.

And here's some obvious voiceover stuff

they can cut in wherever they like.

It's a lovely day, it's raining.

There's a storm coming.

He's hot, she is depressed.

There is my phone charger.

I'm Bear Grylls and I've viewed some of the most

terrifying footage ever shot whilst sitting

in some of the poshest hotels ever built,

but this is my biggest challenge yet.

A seven-course tasting menu with wine and digestif.

After eating all that, this Bear is going to need

to go into the woods and do something, obviously.

[upbeat music]

Great work on the new campaign slogans.

You think so, really?

No, they're pathetic.

I've got better ones.

Do as you're told and vote Hillary.

Just goddamn vote Hillary you morons.

Which bitch, this bitch, bitch.

Bill, I am trying to run a campaign here.

What is it?

Do you notice anything new about me Hillary?

What?

I don't know, you got a new apron.

I just got my hair dyed arctic white.

Just the way that you like it.

I don't care about your goddamn hair.

I care about a slogan that's going

to get me goddamn elected.

Those ones look good honey.

They're horse shit.

Did you even focus group them?

Huh?

Yeah, well, we did and one word is proving

a little unpopular.

Which one?

Hillary.

Turns out you're not seen as very likable.

What do you mean I'm not very likable?

Hiya!

Oh.

And calm.

Okay, let's workshop what people do like about me.

[clock ticking]

Well, you're not Trump.

That's it.

Vote not Trump.

I love it.

Get those posters printed now!

[Director] Taylor Swift boyfriend auditions number 27.

The Pope.

Hey, Taylor.

We got so much in common.

You're cool and hip and so am I.

Plus I'm celibate, so no jiggy jiggy,

just like with Tom.

I'm perfect, call me.

[upbeat music]

Ooh, this is brilliant Simon.

My chair is pointing directly away from the stage.

Is this so I can turn around like

they do on the Voice?

Something like that Louie.

It won't turn around.

Why won't it turn around.

I don't know why it won't turn around.

[dramatic music]

He's dead.

But nothing like this ever happens here.

We live in an unspoilt rural village.

That can only mean one thing.

What?

TV detective.

Olivia Coleman?

I'll have this case cracked in 10 one-hour episodes

plus maybe a second series.

Forget it Coleman.

I'll solve it before the next staff Brass Over advert.

Lancasher.

Out of me way.

This is a case for a no-nonsense female couple

with a tragic back story who loves

rubbing up against authority.

Ooh, perfect for me.

Now, back off.

Not a chance.

I wear Iver's jackets.

I'm getting me a kivved in every series of Appy Valley.

This is my case.

Nonsense, you're just a sergeant.

I'm a detective, Hamden and I5, right.

I need to become ridiculously personally involved

in this case like I did in

Night Manager and Broadcaster.

I'm already ridiculously personally involved.

This dead body is me mom's pawn peddling boyfriend

and my lesbian cousin's crap dealing English teacher.

Excuse us.

Sorry.

We've both got big parts in Midsomer.

This is so my case.

No, I think you've heard it's mine.

Actually, you're both wrong.

[Together] Elber?

This case has Luther written all over it.

You ladies can both toddle off to collect

your bafters while I lose my temper

for no apparent reason.

[banging]

Hang on a minute, you only do ludicrously

overcomplicated serial killer murders.

So?

This can't be your case.

There's only one body.

At the moment.

[Together] Oh!

Oy, you two wait for us.

We're coming to Midsomer.

It's safer there.

[Director] Taylor Swift boyfriend auditions number 35.

Nigel Farage.

I'll be totally honest, I'm not usually

a fan of Swift's, flying over here,

picking our British berries off our British bushes.

There should be a migration point system

to keep them out.

[belching]

[Reporter] They had luck against Nisha Curry, Andy,

but you've had an incredible run this year.

What motivates you?

Well it's all down to my wee baby girl.

[All] Aw!

Because the moment I lose, it's back home

to sleepless nights and nappy changing.

Oh, the horror.

Hey, forget Rio.

Welcome to biggest, bestest number in sporting

even in world, the O-Kim Pic Games, applause.

[applauding]

Glorious North Korea sure to win record medal hard

because no one else allowed to take part.

First event today.

Men's shot put.

I shoot men, they stay put.

Kim win.

[applauding]

Next up fencing.

I build big fence to stop North Korea citizens

escaping to south.

Kim win again.

[applauding]

Next up boxing.

We put a esteemed members of international free press

in box and throw away key.

Ha, ha.

Quick look at supreme leaderboard.

Kim get so many gold medals that Kim

win weightlifting as well.

[thud]

And don't miss amazing fireworks at closing ceremony

when I nuke South Korea.

[explosion]

PM, now I'm minister for Brexit,

people keep asking me what Brexit means.

I've tried fobbing them off with Brexit means leaving

the EU, but it's not working.

It's very simple David.

Brexit means Brexit.

[speaking gibberish]

Yes, very well done.

Brexit means Brexit is a pointless answer.

It means absolutely nothing.

We asked a hundred members of the public what

they thought Brexit meant.

Answers you could have had include um, uh,

I'm not sure or is it something to do with bendy bananas.

Most popular answer was Brexit means a messy fudge

designed to avoid doing the things the public

actually voted for.

Yes, it is.

Well, for starters we need to find a way

to tackle immigration.

Like I said, I'm not about to introduce

a ludicrously overcomplicated point system

that nobody can understand.

Well it works on pointless.

[Director] Taylor Swift boyfriend auditions number 15,

Prince Harry.

Hey, Taylor, if you like a poshatonian bloke

who's always in the headlines and loves

getting his bum out, I'm your man, wolf!

[gentle music]

[breathing heavy]

What is it Phil, you okay?

I can't take the guilt no more.

I've done a murder.

A murder?

Phil, no, who'd you kill.

It was, it was.

Where are the drum beats.

26 years of bloody drums.

I can't take it no more.

But now, he we gonna know when

something dramatic's happened?

I suppose we'll just have to do it with acting.

Oh, God, Phil, what have you done?

[banging]

Rocket system tested and ready to go.

What up ya'll.

Yeez is in the sheezy, ready to go into speezy.

What?

My name is Kanye West, the best of the best,

got 200 percent on my astronaut test.

That is literally impossible.

You is a liar, Kanye's on fire.

But this is an unmanned spacecraft.

We don't need an astronaut.

Whoa, listen up haters, Kanye gonna get

his left arm replaced with a bald eagle

so he can literally flip you the bird, yeah.

Mr. West, do you even know what space is?

Oh, yeah, of course I know what space is.

I invented space so I'd have something to look at

while I got my balls jazzled.

Want to see them?

[Together] No!

And please don't press that button, it's dangerous.

The only thing dangerous is not following

your dreams mother.

We have lift off.

[explosion]

Told you all I was on fire.

[playful music]

[Announcer] Next into the First Dates restaurant

is Cheryl, Fernando's Visrotten Riani, uh, Cheryl,

just Cheryl.

Welcome just Cheryl.

Now some people say you have a tendency to

rush into relationships.

Will you marry me?

No, madam, I am the maitre'd.

I am just the random stereotypical French guys

they slap on this show to fool people

that it's classy.

Oh, but I had a really good feeling about us.

You see, a French accent makes even the most

banal crap sound like a deep philosophical insight.

Whoa, that is proper clever.

Ooh, here comes your date.

Gadzooks, Alexander Boris DePapefal Johnson

at your service.

Blah.

You've got a tautly absurd

and unpronounceable name, tick.

I know, amass abonk.

We don't even speak the same language, tick.

And we've only just met, tick.

Let's get married.

Yes, well, I am, uh, already married.

Although I don't usually let that stop me.

Sounds like I'm rushing into a car crash relationship

with a tautly inappropriate man.

It's so perfect.

Are you ready to take it to the next stage?

You betcha, whoa.

Another really messy breakup.

A messy breakup, even better.

I love a Brexit, which is short for a Boris exit.

Toodle pip.

Will you marry me?

Madam, you've already asked me that.

Oh, what are men like?

[Announcer] What do you remember about school?

I spent most of my school days bullying,

name calling, picking on the weak and vulnerable

and making them cry.

I say serve them right for becoming teachers.

Okay, Mr. Preston, to get your dog to sit,

just give a nice crisp simply instruction like this.

Sit!

Good boy.

Now you try.

No problem.

Rover, would you consider abandoning

your current stance vis a vis you standing up

and make a commitment to lowering your posterior

in line with the ground.

No, no, Mr. Preston.

What you say needs to be short and to the point.

Apologies, but I am struggling to comprehend

the precise way-

Just use one word.

Uh, can you make your language more convoluted

so that I can understand you.

I'm saying when you address your dog,

you need to keep close eye on your delivery

specifically with regard to brevity of instruction.

Oh, I see.

So with regard to talking to my canine colleague,

I need to monitor the aggregate number of syllables

within the command, thereby decluttering

that verbiage and.

Oh, look, I've taught him to play dead.

He is dead, Mr. Preston.

He died of old age waiting for you

to finish your sentence.

Ah.

[Announcer] What do you remember about school?

Well, my favorite lesson was English

so I was a big admirer of Charles Dickens.

He used to sit next to me and Emily Bronte.

Happy days.

[Announcer] It's time for Smackdown 2016.

It's the trash talking political campaign,

that's just like American wrestling, only dumber.

The Trumpster is going to open

a can of whoop ass on crooked Hillary.

[Audience] Kill, kill, kill.

[Announcer] Round one, Trump verus Mexicans.

[Audience] Build a wall, build a wall.

Yeah, and I'm gonna get the Mexicans to pay for it.

Who is stupid enough to believe that.

[Audience] We are, we are, we are.

[Announcer] Round two, Trump versus heroes, knockout.

One, two.

I'm not done yet fellow.

Whoa, we thought he was down and out.

Have you folks already forgotten that I insulted

a dead soldier's mother?

[Audience] Hell, yeah.

[Announcer] Round three, Trump versus the world.

Well, we've got nuclear weapons,

we might as well use them.

Am I right folks?

[Audience] Nuke them all, nuke them all.

[Announcer] If the Trumpster wins,

prepare for WW3.

It's gonna be great.

And that was a clip from Bridget Jones' Baby

staring Colin Firth and something that looked

a bit like Renee Zellwiger crossed

with a chicken nugget.

So what did I think of it?

Well, I'm not sure, I only saw half the film,

the bottom half.

Right, well, this film show is way too small fry

for the queen of showbiz, so I am out of here.

Ooh.

If I can ever find the door.

Okay, who's next.

Hi, I'm Jeremy.

And I'm Diane.

And we are UB4 Corbin.

Oh, no, not another charitable double act.

This is a tribute to the labor parties

incredible endorsement by UB40.

Haven't they split up?

UB40 or the labor party?

♪ They say it's time for me to go ♪

♪ But I don't care what all the polls show ♪

[All] Ah!

♪ The labor party can win with you ♪

♪ But how many people really think that's true ♪

♪ Two ♪

♪ Just us two babe ♪

♪ Me and you babe ♪

Are they finished?

You bet they are.

♪ Sadly two babe ♪

I'm stuck in 1972 babe.

It's a no for me.

It's time for you to go.

Good luck with that.

[upbeat music]

All right everyone listen up.

It's Molter next.

Should be an easy game, but we're not taking any chances.

What's the plan big Sam?

No win from no one and not big Sam,

I'm lucky Sam.

Our win against Slovakia was all down

to this lucky coin.

But lucky Sam, we won't get a 95th winner every match.

Oh, yes, we will.

This is my lineup for the Molter game.

Two horseshoes up front, then four rabbits' feet

backed up by four sprigs of lucky heather.

England's good luck is here to stay.

[thud]

Oh, no, an unexpected banana skin.

Unlucky lucky Sam.

Mr. Edmonds, thanks for dropping by.

Aw, the fires of hell.

Not so much crinkly bottom as crackly bottom.

You've still got it.

Now I heard channel 4 have axed Deal or No Deal.

Well, I want you to make it for everyone here.

Really, you like the show?

Love it, it'll make them suffer for all eternity.

Our VHS of Noel's House Party is beginning to melt.

[speaking gibberish]

Okay, everybody, time for a photograph

of all the most powerful people in the world.

Which means not you Theresa.

Listen up, minions.

Those stupid balls know nothing.

I will become the most powerful leader

in the world.

Our economy will be invincible.

[speaking gibberish]

Silence.

That wasn't an evil joke.

[Announcer] Despicable May 2.

How dare you freeze me out.

I'm the one who does the freezing around here.

I see stare.

Watch out!

[evil laughing]

[Announcer] Look out world, she's back.

Despicable May 2.

Trust me, there won't be a Referendum 2.

Shut up and do what I'll say

or I'll have your guts for gathers.

Bloody Theresa May.

Jeri, darling, your little Rupie's home.

Give us a smackeroo.

Hello my beautiful billionaire husband.

What did the doctor say?

I hope there's nothing horribly terminally wrong with you.

Nah, I'm as fit as a fiddle.

Oh, hooray.

They say I've got 20 more years left

and I want to spend all 20 of them getting down

and dirty with you.

[retching]

Sorry, sugar, just retching with joy.

Hey, why don't we celebrate.

I rustled up something special just for you.

It's a little cocktail I like to call plan B.

Here you go sugar pie.

Drink it all up now.

[groaning]

Yee ha, kaching.

Truth, that's strong stuff.

It's really cleaned out me pipes,

brought me didgeridoo right back to life.

Now I feel like bouncing around on the waterbed

like a couple of randy roos.

[retching]

Let's get up those stairs.

Okay, honey.

I'll bring this incredible overfull and leaky bucket

of slippery oil.

[groaning]

Whatever turns you on.

[groaning]

Ooh, would you mind just popping me hip back in?

[retching]

[Announcer] What do you remember about school.

I remember the careers advisor telling me

that with my skills I could go on to university

at Saint Andrews and try to shag a prince.

[dramatic music]

Today's celebrity bake off challenge

is already well underway.

Adjust glassed, shuffle awkwardly, wobble quiff.

So let's go and find out how Keith Lemon's

doing with his cream.

Snicker, add suggestive phrasing.

Knowing cheeky Keith, I expect he's

got a pun in the oven.

Hey, Keith.

Talk.

No, no, Keithikins.

Won't do at all.

This is Bake Off.

Home of family friendly pastry based innuendoes.

Right big cock.

Keith.

It has to have two meanings.

It's not a single entendre.

You've got to add a pinch of subtlety.

A soup song of innuendo.

Just watch the experts.

That's a strong wrist action Mel.

Oh, I'm making it nice and stiff.

Ooh, naughty.

Do you want to lick it when I've finished Sue?

She means the bowl.

Whatever you like.

You see, my lemony snicket.

Now you have a go.

Right big cock and balls.

That's just saying rude words.

Big elephant, bangers and bats,

I can see it on a sandwich.

Boy, I'd go through her like a tread.

I've heard quite enough.

Oof!

Raisin ginger knots.

Now you've got the hang of it.

Who's off!

[upbeat music]