Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

[Man On Speaker] Claudia and Tess to studio please.

We're on air in five.

Oh, no, can't see.

Oh, no, oh, dear.

[thud]

Oh, no, oh, dear.

Have you seen the studio technician?

I am the technician.

Oh, yeah, come with me quickly.

[thud]

It's Tess.

Keep dancing, keep, keep, keep dancing.

Zero, zero, zero, one zero.

[robotics winding down]

Oh, what happened this time?

During the dress rehearsal, a dancer asked

her a question that wasn't on the auto cue

and she just went ridiculously haywire.

[Technician] Hmm, he must have blown her algorithm.

She can't do unplanned chat.

Deploy normal human insurrection.

Hello, how was your face like?

Isn't the weather there?

Keep dancing, keep dancing.

The Test Bot 2000 was never built to sustain

relaxed and natural conversation.

We're live on air in a couple of minutes.

Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha.

Do something.

[Tess] Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha.

There.

Hello and welcome to Strictly Come Dancing.

She's back!

Come Tess, we're on.

Oh, no, her legs aren't working.

Well, you'll just have to carry her.

Well, no change there then.

[slow jazz music]

[Announcer] What classic sitcom would

you like to see revived.

They should bring back Only Phil's Nosis.

It's the story of a halfwit white boy

who sells dodgy gear and yet somehow ends

up being a millionaire.

Where do they get their ideas?

[upbeat music]

Okay, take it away then Ricky.

Oh, David actually.

Yeah, I'm in character, okay.

♪ Oh, I'm doing it again ♪

♪ Playing David Brinn ♪

♪ Or is it just me ♪

♪ Or Ricky, Ricky ♪

♪ Oops, you think it's an act ♪

♪ But as a matter of fact ♪

♪ I'm not that different ♪

Uh, David slash Ricky, I've heard quite enough.

Yet don't give up the office job.

I can't, that's the problem.

You're just doing the same old act year after year.

Oh, pot, kettle, kettle, pot.

Bit awkward.

Next.

Hi, I'm Tom Daily, double Olympic bronze medal winner

in the synchronized tiny trunks competition.

And now you too can make a splash with the new

Tom Daily collection.

Whatever the occasion, we've got the trunks for you,

whether you want to look smart at the office

or are looking for fashionable evening wear,

all outfits in the Tom Daily collection

are available in three sizes,

tiny, minuscule and oh, good grief.

And if you're the outdoors type,

why not try on new Tom Daily mountaineering range.

It's sure to keep you nice and toasty

and makes you easy to spot in a blizzard.

Also available in Olympic diving pool green.

Six pack not included.

Oh, Taylor, I love you like I love the overlap

in our carefully target consumer based demographics.

Tom, I love you more than the three

resulting albums about our inevitable breakup

can possibly say.

Oh, time for our scheduled kiss.

Tom, wait, are there paparazzi hiding behind this tree?

No.

Must be the wrong tree.

Perhaps they're just running late.

[groaning]

Oh, Tom, I hope no photographers intrude

upon this precious moment.

I said I hope no photographers intrude

upon this precious moment.

Oh, there's one.

Yoo hoo over here.

We're having some intimate time to ourselves.

We demand that you respect our privacy.

Where is he going?

Come back here.

We're ever so in love.

You know it'd be quicker if you pulled

your damn pants up.

Taylor, there are some things

even I'm not prepared to do for fame.

I say paparazzi.

[knocking]

Enter.

Now, listen here Theresa.

It's Mrs. May to you.

Traditionally our weekly meeting takes place

at the home of the most powerful woman in Britain.

That's why it's here.

We should meet at the palace.

Icy stare.

[evil laughing]

That showed her.

[Announcer] Introducing Despicable May,

the most evil mastermind on the planet.

Welcome, my army of minions.

[speaking gibberish]

Stop fighting boys.

We need to deliver Brexit.

Yes Havland?

What is you plan oh, evil one?

To just crack on with it without letting

Parliament have a say.

And I want you useless minions to do all the work

upon Brexit and then take the blame

when it goes horribly wrong.

Despicable.

Compliments will get you everywhere.

[Announcer] And introducing her new arch enemy,

Angola Merkel.

Ha, ha, you think you can leave the EU

and still keep all the nice things.

Wrong, with my incredible shrinking device,

I will shrink your puny economy.

[Announcer] Despicable May.

May and her minions versus Merkel and her billions.

Who will triumph.

Spoiler alert, I will.

Come on Kim, Kanye's waiting to do to the beach.

[Kim] I'm just getting my outfit on honey.

I hope it's some crazy shock and shit.

[Kim] Oh, it is.

It's the most outrageous thing a woman can wear

to the beach.

Ta da.

[speaking gibberish]

Damn Kim.

You is completely covered up.

I know, it's a bikini.

We're off to the beach in France.

Think of all the publicity when the French police

make me take it off at gunpoint.

Kim, you are a genius.

Ah, where is France?

I think it's somewhere in Florida.

Oh, yeah.

[upbeat music]

Well, hello Owen Thingy.

How's the leadership campaign going.

Have you not seen the latest polls Ed?

It looks like the labor party are going

to pick an unelectable weirdo as leader.

Well, that's never happened before.

Still, don't worry.

I'm here to help.

Vote Owen Thingy, vote Owen Thingy.

Other way round.

Sorry, of course.

Thingy Owen vote.

Thingy Owen vote.

I give up.

At least I tried.

You know, life is like a box of chocolates.

There's too many black and brown ones

and not enough white ones.

Hello, my name if Forrest, Forrest Trump.

Are you stupid or something?

[Announcer] Forrest Trump, the story of a man

everyone thought was a racist simpleton

who showed the world they were absolutely right.

Now you see your boy's kind of different.

What do you want me to do with my life Mama?

I want you to run Forrest Trump, run for president.

[cat meowing]

[Announcer] He went from coast to coast,

building a wall along the Mexican border

and forging special relationships.

Me and Nigel are like peas and carrots.

After they've been thrown up.

I love you Nigel.

Not in a pufta way I hope.

Not homophobic, just scared of gay people.

[cat meowing]

[Announcer] Trump showed the world you can

achieve just about anything provided you

believe in yourself enough and inherit a billion dollars

from your dad.

My mama says stupid is as stupid votes.

[Announcer] Forrest Trump, dumb just got dumber.

It's gonna be great folks.

[gentle music]

Ooh, that looks really nasty Phil.

What, me head?

Yeah, Danny Dire, I've been left there so long

I've started to sprout.

Well, you should see a doctor about that

or better still a gardener.

I already did.

It turns I've also put down roots.

[groaning]

See, the only way I'm getting out of it

is in a box.

A sack more like it.

If it comes to it Danny Dire, can I count on you

to give me the burial I deserve?

Yeah, in the allotment with a nice bit of fertilizer.

Yeah, yeah.

You sure you don't want to be cremated?

Or better still deep fat fried in Imbeal's chippy?

That would save on the caving.

Crusty.

[Announcer] What classic sitcom would you like

to see revived.

I am a big fan of Last of the Summer Wine.

Lots of people hated it, but it had a very loyal fan base,

so they couldn't get rid of it.

[gentle music]

Ooh, champagne, oysters, romantic music.

I know where this is going.

Oh, yes, that'll be all Bates.

Very good, sir.

Just lie back and think of ruling England.

[giggling]

Bleeding Elshire, they're trying for another one.

Goo goo ga ga.

Exactly Drago.

It's bad enough I've got to split me inheritance with you

without another sprog taking a slice.

Ooh, gotta think fast.

Come on now, the ultimate passion killer,

a crying baby.

[smacking]

[crying]

Sorry, sis, but you'll thank me when

you get sand ringum.

Oh, wells.

Would you Adam and Eve it, they're still at it.

They're like dogs in the street.

What sort of parents are you?

All right, pipe down.

Time for plan B.

♪ Oh, the grand old duke of York ♪

♪ He met some dodgy Arabs ♪

♪ He sold them a bunch of fighter jets ♪

♪ I'll do me eleven ♪

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, no, what are we gonna do, sis?

Sis?

Oh, what you playing at your Muppet.

This is no time for watching telly.

Oh, wow, Helicopter Rescue's on.

Nice work child, you're the best.

Now, let's go stick a banger up a Corgi's ass.

Aye, aye Savalois.

[funky music]

♪ I like singing in my car ♪

♪ I like to do it with a star ♪

♪ I'll give anyone a lift ♪

♪ Michelle Obama, Taylor Swift ♪

♪ But this is carpool karaoke ♪

♪ It's not about them, it's all about me ♪

♪ Never mind I'll sing right over you ♪

♪ And there's nothing that you can do ♪

♪ Keep your trap shut Adele ♪

♪ I'm not at my maximum decibel ♪

♪ You said I was your mate ♪

♪ No, you are my click bait ♪

[yelling]

♪ With every celeb I break the web ♪

♪ It's so shameless on the coat tails of their fame ♪

♪ Don't you know they want Barlow ♪

♪ This is how I make my name ♪

♪ Because I've let America go to my head ♪

♪ Because I'm selfish in my car ♪

♪ Look at me instead ♪

♪ Because I'm not gonna stop till ♪

♪ My face turns red ♪

♪ I sing solo, oh, oh ♪

♪ Harry Stiles can do that ♪

♪ Actually I'll do those, too ♪

♪ All the James Cordans, all the James Cordans ♪

♪ All the Cordans ♪

♪ No, shut your mouth up ♪

♪ Damn cheek ♪

Hello there, Mr. Evans.

Yeah, it's me, how cool is that.

I'm from the insurance.

I'm here about your car crash.

I think you've got the wrong house mate.

I haven't been in a car crash.

Top gear.

Okay, I get it.

The show's a total write off.

We're looking for witnesses, but nobody saw it.

Very funny.

There were skidmarks, but only when you saw the reviews.

Listen mate, there's nothing worse

than someone thinking they've been hilarious

when they're not.

Oh, awkward.

[Announcer] This is Judge Rinder.

He spent years studying the law and discovered

there's no law against dressing up as a judge on TV

and this is the his pretend court.

Order, order, order in my tiny pretend court.

Right, who's bringing the case today?

It's me.

I'm here about a theft.

A theft, you know by a thief.

He's thieved from me.

Oh, theft, robbery, fine, whatever.

Send in the defendant.

Per way.

And you are?

It's me, Ryland off of old of the telly.

So, Mr. Carr, what is it that you believe

Mr. Ryland has stolen?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

My whole act.

I mean look at him, the huge teeth,

the over the top hang gestures.

And what are you banging on about?

The ludicrous pronunciation of vowels.

Meow.

He's even nicked me whole chat show theme.

[speaking gibberish]

There's nothing wrong with copying another TV show.

But Judge Judy.

Judge Rinder.

It's enough to turn a man to drink.

Cheers.

He's nicked me drinking gimmick and all.

Thief, thief.

Order, order.

Mr. Ryland, I'm afraid to have to tell you

that there is only room for one eye rolling

hand flapping uber camp presenter on TV.

Oh.

Yes, and it's me.

No, it's me.

I'm so the best at being camp.

Bitchy stares all round.

Ooh.

Actually he is pretty good.

[Announcer] It's the board game every junior doctor

is itching to play.

I've got to remove Jeremy Hunt's testicles.

[Kids] Horray.

[Announcer] NHS Operation.

It'll tickle your funny bone.

I've got to remove his heart.

Good luck, he hasn't got one.

[Announcer] It's the perfect game

for junior doctors to play on their day off,

which is sometime next April.

I've got to remove his brain,

but he hasn't got one of those either.

Yes, he does, it's in his ass.

And when you hear this noise,

[buzzing]

the junior doctors have all fallen asleep

after a 36 hour shift.

NHS Operation.

Operation may be canceled due to five day strike.

I hear you're going to retire Wayne.

Yes, Uncle Roy, but only after the end

of the next well coup.

You mean after the end of the group stages?

Yeah, obviously.

Retirement is great.

I've never felt happier.

Eh, but you left in disgrace after

a humiliating defeat against Iceland.

Don't mention Iceland ever again.

I want to forget all about football

and concentrate on something I'm really

good at, my allotment.

Uncle Roy.

Great, isn't it Wayne?

Weeks and weeks of meticulous preparation

is really paying off.

Think I'll just move these sunflowers over here

into the shade.

But Uncle Roy, those sunflowers do best in the sun.

Well, traditionally Wayne, but I have a feeling

they'll thrive in their new well.

Uh-oh.

Not to worry, I've still got my prize vegetables.

Did you use any manure.

I certainly did.

Up front, in the middle and at the back.

I was hoping to have those veggies for my tea.

Don't worry Uncle Roy, you can get some nice

frozen ones from Iceland.

Wayne.

Ooh, sorry.

[slow jazzy music]

[Announcer] What classic sitcom would you

like to see revived?

They should bring back Friends,

only with me in it, the one where I stab

them all in the back.

How you doing?

Could I be any more washed up?

Hello, how much is this dead man's suit?

It's 10 pounds Mr. Barlow.

Oop, I don't carry that kind of money on me.

Do you accept Apple Pay?

We certainly do, just put your smart phone

against the reader.

No, I mean Apple Pay, like Apple Pay,

their tax in Ireland, so I only cut fourth one percent.

Well, I-

Here's your 10P.

Now can I keep the hanger.

[upbeat music]

So where exactly were you last night?

I was out in the pub?

Who with?

With Mike.

That is a beard faced lie.

It was I'm afraid out with Mike incorrect answer.

Your wife knows for a fact Mike was at home last night.

Well, damn.

We asked a hundred philanders what

you should have said in this situation.

You could have had trains were delayed,

had to work late or called in on my sick mum.

I knew that one.

Pointless answers you also could have had

are abducted by aliens or I stopped to give

the Heimlich maneuver to a choking kitten.

Well, what have you got to say for yourself, eh?

Oh, come on, how come you had this seven foot man

hiding under the bed?

Uh, I couldn't reach the light bulb to change it.

Nonsense.

Best answer was he's an overdressed Polish workman

fixing the bed springs.

[speaking foreign language]

You lanky bastard.

It's a good insult, some of the more original ones

you could have had the googling giant, specky lurch

was there or Richard Ottman, all which were pointless,

so big well done if you got any of those at home.

[upbeat music]

[Announcer] It's the new gaming sensation

sweeping the nation.

Find, catch and train.

Funny little creatures with squiggy voices.

It's Pokemon Mo.

[Announcer] There's one.

I pop up everywhere.

[Announcer] Mo Farahs to collect include

the Molymphic champ.

You'll never catch me.

Even if I trip over.

[Announcer] The Mo Weebit doll.

My secret is I eat well, train hard and.

[yawning]

Shall I do the Mo part again?

[Announcer] And the very rare Mo Kaching

who only eats products he advertises.

Meat substitutes increase your happiness level.

[Announcer] For the more skilled player,

take your Mo to the Mokey gym

and fight Russian characters.

You're fungus base meat substitute sausages

are no match for my state sponsored steroids.

[whack]

[Announcer] What classic sitcom would you like

to see revived?

I'm pleased the BBC brought back

Til Death Us Do Part.

When that grumpy old Gitu reels off

a string of bigoted reactionary opinions,

only without being shunted onto a bloody internet channel.

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, hello.

♪ Hello ♪

It's me.

I've got a package for you Adele.

Looks like a gold disc.

Oh, bleeding heck not another.

[breaking]

Oh, well, have a nice day.

Where do you think you're going?

Sorry.

You can't just leave me.

Um, I've got to deliver next door's mail.

♪ Thought ours was love to last ♪

♪ But it turns out it was second class ♪

♪ When you rang my bell ♪

♪ I wanted more but you left me for Janet ♪

♪ In number 24 ♪

Oh, I'll never forget you my darling.

What we had was the most special 46 seconds

of my life babes.

Right, I've sorted that leak in the bathroom.

I'll be off then.

♪ Our love was pure ♪

♪ But had to spoil it ♪

♪ Like the blockage flushed down the toilet ♪

[crying]

Another leak?

Don't ward it off, I'll fetch me spanner.

Have you been missold a Brexit?

If so, you may be entitled to claim compensation.

Mr. H of Norridge was promised

350 million pounds a week for the NHS by

a bogus salesman.

Blah, I've never seen this bus before in my life.

Mrs. R of Grimbsy was warned that if

she voted remain, 75 million Turks would

be entitled to come and live in her garden.

That is a complete lie, I never mentioned

the word garden [belching].

While Mrs. G of Doncaster wasn't even aware

that she'd signed up for Brexit.

How was I supposed to know that if I voted

leave we might end up leaving.

So if you wanted your country back,

but now you'd rather have your vote back,

call the Brexit hotline.

Our polite and hardworking team are ready

for your call.

Not me, my friend.

I'm being sent back to Poland.

[upbeat music]

Right, who's next.

Tall skinny latte please.

One tall skinny latte.

What's your name?

Cheryl.

Oh, I'm afraid there's already a Cheryl waiting.

What's your surname.

All right, it's hang on, what is it again,

not Tweedy, not Cole, cheating bastard.

Cheating bastard.

No, no, wait, it's Fernando something, Zucchini.

Oh, hang on, that was last week.

I know, what's your surname?

Sir Robinson.

Great, put Cheryl Robinson.

Will you marry me?

Who's next.

That's my line.

[Announcer] What classic sitcom would

you like to see revived?

Some people have suggested Drop the Dead Donkey,

but I've decided Wayne Rooney will still be the captain.

Now, the countryside.

Can't beat that George.

But I still don't understand what

we're doing here.

Let me just ask you this.

How do you think I'll go down in history?

Um, as the idiot who gambled the country's future

on a referendum and lost?

Dividing the nation and causing the breakup

of the United Kingdom?

Exactly.

As the toss pot who dished out almost

all his undeserving cronies.

Thanks for that by the way.

Oh, don't mention it.

As the slimy two-faced weasel who-

That's quite enough.

I preferred it when I was known as the prime minister

who had sex with a pig.

But that was complete nonsense.

That was yes, however, get filing George.

I'd far rather be remembered for this.

Come here Pinky, there would a pirage in this view.

[pig squealing]

[upbeat music]