Original subtitles

[rock music]

Come to bed, darling, I hope you're in the mood.

-I'm always in the mood, bah! -What?

Time for a bit of coitus non-interruptus.

-Johnson! -What, is it showing?

What the blazes do you think you're doing?

Well Dave, you did say you'd be stepping aside

at some point so I thought, tempus fugit,

time for yours truly to take over duties at number 10.

You can't just swan in and take my place!

I've still got five years

of vital government chillaxing to do!

Very well, I'm always here if you need me

and if you don't.

-Just get out. -Message received.

Incomprehensible classical reference.

The Johnsonator has left the building.

Don't suppose there's any chance of a threesome?

-Ugh! -No.

[grumbling]

[bright trumpet music]

Well, this is a truly remarkable piece,

an utterly unique artifact

from the birthplace of human civilization.

I'd say it was over 4,000 years old.

How much is it worth?

It's impossible to put a price on it,

it's totally irreplaceable.

Death to false idols!

[yelling]

That's all from the Antiques Roadshow, Syria.

Next week we'll be in Appledore, in Devon.

See you then.

What period would you say he's from?

Definitely the Dark Ages.

[gun firing]

[intense music]

-Is he gone? -Yes.

I think we finally got rid of him.

Thank heavens for that.

Arg, I'm back from the dead!

[screaming]

Takes more than a few knives in the back to kill Nige off!

Get out, get out, get out!

-Ah, UKIP man, eh? -He's a zombie!

No, just a good old-fashioned British hangover.

Nothing that a full English won't sort, eh, love?

[slapping]

Ow, how do we get rid of him?

You can't, I'm gonna be around for another 20 years.

Try bashing his brains out with a sledgehammer.

Or we could just wait until the booze and fags kill him.

Yeah, that might be quicker.

Mine's a pint of brains! [belching]

♪ She's Mrs. Crown ♪

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Mrs. Crown's Boys!

[audience cheering]

Ah, there you are, my loyal plebs.

It's me off the stamps or as I like to call them, selfies.

[audience laughing]

You have to excuse me.

I've got a house full of idle layabouts, as usual.

I suppose you'll be wanting me to pour your tea, Camilla.

Yes please, ma'am.

Just how you like it with a drop of milk

and a fucking load of whiskey.

[audience laughing]

Charles and I had a bit of a row this morning.

He's not talking to me.

That's odd, I thought he liked talking to vegetables.

[audience laughing]

He's in a bad mood because of his fecking letters.

How did the press get hold of them?

I'm guessing they looked in the fecking bin.

[audience laughing]

They'll make everyone think I'm a cantankerous old bore.

So no change there, then.

You keep out of this!

I don't know why you're wasting your fucking time

banging on about endangered species.

Because I love the Patagonian tooth fish!

Yes, so do I, it is fucking delicious!

Uh, you're going to get one of my angry letters!

Good, because we've run out of bog roll.

[sighing]

Good night, plebs. [laughing]

[audience applauding]

[easygoing music]

♪ In Korea, in North Korea ♪

♪ Defense Chief sleep tonight ♪

♪ I was speaking ♪

♪ And he was sleeping ♪

♪ Now he sleep all right ♪

♪ Eee ♪

♪ Blow him away ♪

♪ Blow him away, blow him away ♪

♪ I get my way, I get my way ♪

♪ I've got a bomb, I've got a bomb ♪

♪ You could be next, you could be next ♪

♪ I am insane, I am insane ♪

♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪

-[imitating chicken clucking] -[imitating rooster crowing]

[exploding]

[Announcer] It's Britain's Got Tories!

[audience cheering and applauding]

Hello, my name's--

Get on with it, tell us your sob story.

Oh, well, I'm here tonight for my grandma.

[Audience] Oh!

Oh, good start.

She had a stroke,

but there are no beds for her in hospital

and now there's no money for a career, and we--

[buzzing]

It's a no from me, we've all got to make sacrifices.

Oh yes, this is non-vintage, bleh!

-Next. -I'm from London.

My domestic violence refuge has been closed down

and my ex-partner--

[buzzing]

Look, everyone, I've fallen over!

[laughing]

-What a character! -Next.

I am pregnant and I just escaped genocide in Darfur--

[buzzing]

My face isn't moving, but you are, deport her!

-Oh, that's a bit harsh. -Next.

Hello, my father's dying, and he's a multi-millionaire.

I'm worried I may have to pay a tiny bit of tax

on the fortune I'm going to inherit.

[sobbing]

It's the saddest story I ever heard.

You are an aspirational role model!

That gets my Golden Buzzer.

[buzzing]

Have some more money on us!

Next patient, please.

Ah, a fine and very good morning to you,

doctor and physician, sire.

Please take a seat, Miss Hart.

Verily I shall the seat take, thanking you, doctore.

[grunting]

Gratuitous extra shot of me.

So Miranda, I assume it's about

your chronic problem with balance?

-What problem with balance? -[thudding]

More what I call, shots of me.

Let's have a little look-see.

Do I need to take my clothes off?

Please say yes, please say yes.

I think I can see the problem,

-just hold still for a minute. -[popping]

-Ouchington! -There you go, it's a marble.

Heavens to Betsington, must have been there for years.

I lost my marbles yonks ago.

Funny marbles joke.

Now try taking a few steps for me please.

I'll give it what I call a go.

No trip, no dive, no pratfall.

-Yes, you're cured! -Cured?

I'm stuffed, my career's ruined!

-Give me back that marble! -[popping]

-Ah, that's better, whoopsie! -[thudding]

Hurrah! Such fun!

[thudding]

[Announcer] In a world gone crazy for oil.

Get your pound's worth of black gold!

[Announcer] They came from across the border.

Why can't I be at the wheel for once?

[Announcer] They crushed all who stood in their way.

Love the SNP.

Actually, it was the Lib Dems who did this to me.

-We're taking over! -Woo-hoo!

[Announcer] Mad Macs.

Look, I'm always willing to negotiate.

-Negotiate this! -[grunting]

Why don't I get to do any of the fun stuff?

[Announcer] Mad Macs, coming to Westminster very soon.

[rock music]

Oh, Cara, love your new selfie stick.

-That's my arm. -Oh yeah, ha ha, nice one.

[camera shutter clicking]

So Sherlock, who do you think did it?

From the angle of the knife in his chest,

the unusual way in which the blood is pooling,

and the time at which his watch stopped,

I have absolutely no idea.

[cellphone beeping]

Ah, a text message from a mysterious source.

This could be the breakthrough we need.

Bugger, more spam.

So you've no idea who's behind this?

No, I've tried to get taken off their database,

but you never reach the call center.

[cellphone beeping]

No, God give me strength!

Bloody spam, enough!

I can't think!

-[clattering] -[crunching]

-That's better. -[cellphone beeping]

-What? -Hang on, he's got a phone!

Have you been a victim of a fatal stabbing?

You may be entitled to compensation.

Come with me constable,

there's serial killer on the loose.

-Really? -Yes, me!

I'm going to find out who's responsible for these texts

and kill every last bloody one of them.

-Ho ho, let's do it! -High five!

["Star-Spangled Banner"]

Sure you don't want me

to pick up the dry cleaning, Michelle?

I got nothing else to do.

Hell, I even started a Twitter account.

[sighing]

Okay honey, bye.

[dramatic music]

Whoa!

Sir, I have something I need you to look at urgently.

Urgent? Great!

Fantastic! Let's do this!

[dramatic music]

[urgent beeping]

Oh, sweet.

["Friends" theme music]

Keane, this is just an old episode of Friends.

I know, Mr. President sir, but it's a really great one.

Phoebe gets a recording contract.

I guess I do like the Phoebe episodes.

[chuckling]

[urban music]

Hello and welcome to the show

where we have a good poke around people's intimate bits.

And someone who's done more than his fair share of that

is Russell Brand.

Greetings and salutifications!

Now, what seems to be the problem?

Me tummy-wummy is a source of excruciating woe!

Me bowel movements have all but terminated,

that's causing me to perambulate

in a right unorthodox manner.

Well, I think I know what the problem is here.

I've had a look at your x-rays

and you're absolutely, totally, full of shit.

Well, that explainifies everything.

-Want to see my abs? -How very meterosexual!

[bright music]

Hello, I'm Kay Burley,

dredging the sewer of news

for the sweet corn of human misery [hissing]

-with me is Prince Harry. -Hello!

So, Copperknob, you want to bring back national service?

Yah, the army made me the man I am today.

-A rich, unemployed waster? -A bit harsh.

Actually, I think it's a brilliant idea.

Oh, great!

More chance of grieving relatives for me

to shove a microphone in front of.

-[hissing] -Ah!

I thought the Taliban were scary!

[spooky music]

-[growling] -[coughing]

Earth creature,

we have traveled countless light years to visit your planet.

Oh, I shouldn't have taken that funny tablet

while I was in Ibiza.

Take me to your leader.

Well, um, that's a bit tricky at the moment.

The Labor Party haven't actually got one.

I need to see your leader.

Well, the whole selection process

has been changed since last time.

Why have they changed it?

It's to make sure they don't end up

choosing the wrong leader, again.

You look familiar, are you also from Zebulon Four?

-Uh, Primrose Hill. -Oh, sounds posh!

Well, if you have no leader,

we will be forced to destroy you.

No need, we're doing that to ourselves.

I'm afraid your mission is pointless.

-At least I tried. -[groaning]

Tell him he can come in now.

Oi, that's my line.

Now, what do MI6 want from me?

Lord Sugar, your country needs your help to defeat ISIS.

Brilliant, what's the plan?

Me and Andy McNab parachuting behind enemy lines?

Stab 'em all in the back like I did with Labour Party?

-Love it. -Not quite, Lord Sugar.

We were thinking of sending in your apprentices.

Eh?

They're going to infiltrate ISIS

and destroy them from within.

But my apprentices

are a bunch of naive, egotistical idiots.

So they should blend in seamlessly at ISIS.

Genius!

Within weeks of your apprentices joining,

the terrorists will turn on each other,

the group will be riven with infighting.

And they'll divert all their energy into arguing

over new ice cream flavors

and designing unsellable kids' toys.

-Exactly. -Count me in.

-Where do I sign? -Don't use that pen!

-[pen shooting] -[groaning]

Pen, you're fired.

[groaning]

Wa-hoo!

[thudding]

Right, five minutes to sort out

this week's London mayor's agenda.

All right hats, ready for action.

What's the mayor's next big idea?

Build, bah.

Bovine, bah.

Power station, bah.

In Leicester Square?

[Natalie] I'm on it, boss!

Tippity-top!

See you next week, off to the MP job now.

Huzzah!

-[thudding] -[groaning]

Natalie, need some mouth-to-mouth.

[thudding]

[audience applauding]

[Announcer] The Cube!

Welcome back to The Cube.

[Announcer] The Cube!

Thank you, tonight, taking the challenge of The Cube--

[Announcer] The Cube!

Enough!

It's Wayne Rooney.

All right, Mr. Schofield.

Wayne, who've ya got supporting you tonight?

-It's me Uncle Roy. -Come on now, Wayne.

You can do this.

Well Wayne, let's hear your challenge tonight.

[Announcer] You have 90 minutes

to get this ball into this goal.

So are you ready to face the challenge of The Cube?

[Announcer] The Cube!

I already said The Cube!

[Announcer] The Cube!

Oh!

I don't really understand the rules.

Wayne, my boy, let me simplify it for you.

Ball, kick, goal.

Oh, why didn't he just say that?

Wayne, it's time to go into the Square Shaped Thing.

[Announcer] The Square Shaped Thing!

-[snarling] -[grunting]

Ow!

Come on Wayne, regroup.

Get in the box!

[audience applauding]

Your time starts now.

[Announcer] Now.

[ball bouncing]

Oh, no, disaster!

Uncle Roy?

No, I think there's still a lot of positives

to be taken from tonight's performance.

For instance, I'm having a nice free night out

in a lovely warm studio,

so I could turn off the boiler at home.

Although I am missing the bingo.

The bingo?

[Announcer] The Bingo!

-[snarling] -[dramatic music]

There, I've finished my book!

Wow, that was quick, David.

You only started reading it five minutes ago.

I wasn't reading one Simon, I was writing one!

Of course you were.

[phone ringing]

Oh, nice ring, Simon, one I like.

-Hello? -Hello, Kim Jong-Un here!

-How may I help you? -You, I like.

You also are ruthless despot,

with trademark outfit and not-at-all stupid hairstyle.

You're very kind.

Though I don't like the way you got rid of Louis Walsh.

Next time I suggest you use an anti-aircraft gun.

Good idea.

Now, I want to pick your brains.

I devise brilliant new television format,

North Korea's Got Talent!

Now, tell me how your show works.

Okay, well first, you're gonna need some talent.

Don't forget to enter a boy band!

Good idea, I will call it Un-Direction.

Maybe a talking dog?

Yes, dog could say, "Please don't eat me!"

[laughing]

That's great, well all you need now is a public vote.

What? You let people vote?

It's a no from me!

I like him, do you want to know why?

Is it because he's a massive knob?

Oh, you're a mind reader, you should be on the show!

[energetic music]

Booyakasha, I'm Evan Davis,

and my favorite band is a band you've not even heard of.

That's how shitting cool I am.

On tonight's all-new,

definitely-not-pandering-to-the-after-pub-crowd Newz Nite,

we're rebranding as Booze Nite,

the BBC's flagship political drinking game.

Listen Evan, the first thing I'll do if I become leader,

is to show that Labour is the party of aspiration.

-Ah, drink! -Shit, I said aspiration!

Drink!

Oh shit, I said aspiration again!

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink!

[laughing]

And tonight's big question:

do you think Newz Nite is dumbing down?

Text in A for yes, B for no,

X to make Cheggers do the Bushtucker trial,

star-ampersand for extra pepperoni,

or just scrawl your answer across the screen in crayon.

I love you, you know, you're my best.

[snoring]

-[laser beaming] -[whimpering]

[Evil Voice] Now what do you say?

No, no, you can't make me!

[Evil Voice] Last chance!

Okay, okay, stop.

I'll do it, I'll be the leader of the Liberal Democrats.

[laughing menacingly]

[rock music]

Lay-lady-lay.

Do my trademark steely blue eyes deceive me,

or is that a parking ticket?

Sorry sir, you're on a double yellow line.

Did I mention I'm TV's Paul Hollywood?

So?

Pie-maker to the stars,

with the jungle musk of a randy orangutan?

-Smell that. -Ew.

Sorry, can't revoke a ticket once it's been issued.

Can't, won't, or might, if this was a desert island,

your husband was dead and I was rustling you up

a sponge cake in a coconut codpiece?

[giggling]

If you don't like it,

you should have found somewhere else to park.

I admit it officer, I've been a very bad boy.

You'd better punish me.

[thudding]

Oh, right in the profiteroles!

Is he trying to pull the whole sexy Mr. Kipling act again?

Come on Paul, stop embarrassing yourself

and let's get you home.

Oh, in the nick of time, Mary.

She was absolutely gagging to take down my particulars.

You really are a deluded old tart, aren't you, Paul?

Why's that?

You want to dip your finger in my icing?

[whacking]

[Announcer] You've seen the TV show.

Oh, good grief!

I can't look, I can't look!

[Announcer] You've Googled the website.

Tina, Tina, come and see the size of this goiter!

[Announcer] Now it's time for the inevitable!

Embarrassing Bodies Live Tour!

-Hello, Wembley! -[audience cheering]

[Announcer] Yes, it's Dr. Christian Jessen!

Want to see some crusty warts?

[audience cheering]

[Announcer] With all your favorite body deformities

and excruciating illnesses live on stage!

It's Dr. Christian at his very best.

[Woman In Audience] Do rectal bleeding!

[Audience] Hemorrhoids! Hemorrhoids! Hemorrhoids!

Whether you want to gawp at foot fungus,

stare at ingrowing hairs or just ogle my rippling torso,

probably the last one, am I right?

This is the live show for you!

[light thudding]

Thank you, madam.

And I can tell you, you've got crab lice.

[Announcer] The Embarrassing Bodies Live Tour coming soon.

One, two, one, two, he's got two penises!

[audience cheering]

[bagpipes playing]

I like what you've done with your new office, Alex.

It's no good Nicola, I can't wait.

I want independence and I want it now!

I can't stand this master-servant relationship any longer.

It's got to end!

Patience, we'll leave England soon enough.

England?

I want independence from you!

I want to be in charge!

-Bollocks! -Eh?

-I can see your bollocks. -Oh!

Now shut up and fetch me some Tunnock's teacakes!

-Yes, boss, oh ya, bastard! -[crashing]

[applauding]

More applause, don't stop 'til your palms bleed!

Right, welcome back to The Me Show.

This week we've found a charming individual

who's only gone and fathered 75 different children.

[audience gasping]

By no fewer than 23 different women,

or as he calls them, bitches.

Let's bring him on, here, boy!

[audience booing]

Who said you could sit on the chair?

-Down boy! -[barking]

Right, it's not the first time

I thought that one of my guests should be neutered,

but today we're actually going to do it!

[gulping]

Live in the studio, pass the scissors, I'll do it myself.

-You know I would! -[whimpering]

[booing]

What a lovely welcome, it's nice to be back.

It gives me great pleasure

to declare this new A&E facility open.

[Photographer] Give us a smile, George!

Don't know how to.

Well come on, let's see it!

This way, Mr. Osborne.

Here it is, the new Accident and Emergency Unit.

Fully equipped, I see.

Well, it's got Elastoplasts, paracetamols,

Lemsips, a DIY defibrillator.

-Coin-operated? -It is, yes.

Excellent, just what the doctor ordered.

No, the doctors ordered something else.

You canceled it and ordered this.

Cutty, cutty, snip, snip!

It's also stocked with some transplant organs.

-What's that? -It's a heart, Mr. Osborne.

-Some people find them useful. -Really?

Now, where's my new streamlined

urology and gastroenterology ward?

-Just here. -Marvelous.

Cutty, cutty, snip, snip!

[upbeat music]

♪ Oi, oi, Saveloy! ♪

♪ I get up in the morning, look out me window ♪

♪ And start what is known as royal park life ♪

♪ A servant changes me nappies, brings me a Stella ♪

♪ And I think about leaving the Palace ♪

♪ Now that's not a bad life ♪

♪ I feed the peacocks ♪

♪ I sometimes feed the swans too ♪

♪ Fattening 'em up for my sharp knife ♪

♪ Lovely bit of swan ♪

♪ Who's that bald bloke whinging ♪

♪ You should cut down on that organic bollocks ♪

♪ Get some kebabs down ya ♪

♪ All you people ♪

♪ You common people ♪

♪ Hard graft every day ♪

♪ Don't you wish you had my life ♪

♪ You know you want it ♪

♪ Mum married her way out of the ghetto ♪

♪ Well the Home Counties ♪

♪ That's what you call a smart wife ♪

♪ Since when it's all been going cushty ♪

♪ 'Til I was rudely awakened by my baby sister ♪

♪ Tough life ♪

♪ Charlotte's a right pain ♪

♪ She only went and got all my readies wet ♪

♪ Just as we started bath time ♪

♪ Proper moist ♪

♪ I wanna travel the world like me Uncle Harry ♪

♪ Kissing all the girls ♪

♪ They love a bit of it ♪

♪ All you people ♪

♪ You common people ♪

♪ You could have a piece of this ♪

♪ One day you could be my wife ♪

♪ Oi, oi, form an orderly queue, ladies ♪

♪ Be lucky! ♪

[Car horn honking]

[rock music]