Original subtitles

[upbeat rock music]

[audience applauds]

And the nominations for best female performance

in a light-hearted comedy or pedo-based drama are.

[Announcer] Olivia Colman, Olivia Colman,

Olivia Colman, and Olivia Colman.

And the winner is, oh, huh, this is unexpected,

the Conservative Party.

-[elegant orchestral music] -[sobbing]

-[loud thud] -We won!

Of course we did!

We promise to cut funding for the arts.

And dismantle the BBC!

Up yours, ya lefty luvvies!

Bah!

Hello, I'm Amanda Holden

and welcome to the bit between the adverts.

This is the show where we find a special forever home

for unloved and abandoned politicians.

This is Nigel.

We found him wandering the streets of Thanet.

Out, out, out, out, out!

Poor thing's been rejected.

Well, he is a little prone to attacking people.

Bloody foreigners!

-[growls] -Feisty.

[chuckles]

This is Ed.

He's been horribly beaten

and now literally nobody wants him.

Ed Balls! Ed Balls!

Bless.

[chuckles]

And here's Vince.

His ear hair is in bad need of a trim.

He's been terribly neglected.

-Haven't you, old boy? -[panting]

Is it time for the election yet?

So please get in touch now

or we'll just stick them all in a sack

and throw them in the canal.

[grunting]

Oh, no.

Someone got a bucket of water?

[laughs]

Oh, yums.

I'll take a photo for Mumsnet.

-[camera snaps] -So embarrassing.

[angelic singing]

Fess up your sins, my child.

And remember, they will remain a secret

between you, me, and the big fella upstairs.

That's exactly why Jeremy Kyle's here!

Sins should not be kept private.

They should be broadcast

for the nation's entertainment on the Me Show!

Only God can judge sinners!

Only Jeremy Kyle can judge sinners

and sentence them to public humiliation.

Now give me your top sinners, I've got a show to fill!

Go to hell!

Where do you think I came from?

Oh, mama mia.

[car revs]

Wahoo!

Dave, mate, you're driving like a lunatic!

I love it.

Labour can eat my dust!

And better still,

there's no bloody Clegg in the passenger seat!

Huzzah!

-[bottle smashes] -It's amazing.

I hit one producer in the face and get fired.

You kick the whole country in the nuts for five years

and they're asking for more!

Yes, I can do anything I want and they still love me.

Watch this.

-[tires screech] -Bloody hell!

-Look out! -Help!

-[loud thud] -[yelps]

[groans]

Holy crap!

She's in a worse state than Richard Hammond.

Get this woman to a hospital.

You are kidding?

Listen, you old bat, we've closed your local hospital.

You'll have to crawl home.

[groans]

Now, will you still vote Conservative?

Oh, yes, dear.

I don't want to risk that Scottish lot.

Unbelievable.

Right, you steal her purse while I run over her again.

Dave, I never thought I'd say this,

but you've gone too far.

Oh, cheers.

[upbeat rock music]

Kanye, honey, can you take a photo of me,

taking a photo of me, holding my book of photos of me?

Sure thing, Kim.

[tablet rings]

-Hello? -Hello, it's Kim here!

WTF?

I'm Kim.

I am world's number one Kim!

You have stolen my idea for book full of photos of Kim!

No way!

Yours will never sell.

You don't have as many followers as me.

I've got 25 million followers, minus one I just execute!

Your photos are rubbish!

You not even have one single photo of you

pointing at fish canning factory!

Now, listen to me, I'm the world's number one Kim.

Kanye, you tell him.

Which one of us is the best Kim?

Well, honey, you know how I love big asses.

Well, he's the biggest ass I ever saw.

Ha-ha, in your face, Kim!

[knocking]

Hello.

We're trying to find out why the election opinion polls

were completely and utterly wrong.

Can I ask you, do you ever lie to opinion polls?

I'm sorry, I'm not in.

[door slams]

Oh, Benedict.

That was incredible, darling.

Not as incredible as you.

Don't.

I've told you, Sophie, I'm just an ordinary guy.

[crowd gasps]

Look, there he is!

[All] The chosen one has woken!

All hail the Messiah!

Oh, shit.

He's not just the Messiah, he's a very sexy boy.

Would you please listen to me?!

You mustn't worship me!

I'm just Benedict.

Benedict!

He even has a saintly name!

[Crowd] Hail, Saint Benedict!

Please, I'm not a saint!

I played a baddie in Star Trek!

[All] Oh, we loved you in that!

I played the part of a pedophile rapist in Atonement!

[crowd gasps]

Only a true saint would dare to play the part

of a pedophile rapist.

[All] He's a saint!

We are your Cumberbitches!

Don't say that word!

I won't allow you to be my bitches!

You are Cumberpeople.

[All] Yes!

We are your Cumberpeoplebitches!

Oh, crikey.

You do know Eddie Redmayne lives just down the road?

[All] Does he?!

Ooh!

People are so shallow!

Just because he won the Oscar...

Darling?

Darling?!

-[door slams] -Wait for me!

[Benedict growls]

[upbeat synthesizer music]

Dah.

Yeah.

-Whoa! -[loud crash]

[loud thud]

[angelic singing]

Now, confess your sins, my son.

Sins?

I have no sins.

It was a perfectly legal investment at the time.

It was only later found to be a tax-avoidance scheme.

No, I was talking about that duet you did

with Michael Buble!

Oh, yeah, that was a bit of a stinker.

[upbeat music]

Welcome to Election Match of the Day

with me, Nick Robinson.

My brain's so big, it's pushed all my hair out.

We start with the shock result from last week.

I don't think anyone saw this one coming.

-Eh, Roy? -[snoring]

-Roy! -[gasps]

What is it? An air raid?

Anyway, as I always say,

there are no easy results in international politics.

I remember one time against Moldova--

Yes, well, let's have a look at the key moment.

[Roy] As you can see, the boy Miliband

has got a massive open goal in front of him.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I'm a happy warrior.

All he's got to do is slot it home.

It seems inconceivable that he could possibly miss.

But, but, but, but, but, but, but, hell, yeah!

-[yelps] -[loud thud]

So, what next for Labour?

They should follow the tried and tested England approach.

Rebuild, start to look good, get everyone's hopes up,

and then when it comes to the big occasion,

screw up spectacularly.

I'm sure they will.

At least I tried.

[groans]

[Announcer] It's time to meet the judges!

Simon Cowell!

Hi, guys.

It's a great honor.

I hope you appreciate it.

[Announcer] David Walliams!

Ooh, hello, sailor.

I'm free.

Shut that door.

I'm the only gay in the village.

Cooee.

[Announcer] Amanda Holden!

Hello, it's me, happy face.

Oh, no applause, sad face.

[Announcer] And Queen Elizabeth II.

What?

Excuse me?

Looks like I won't be the biggest queen

on the judging panel after all.

Why is this man pretending to be a homosexual?

So, Your Majesty, what brings you here?

The winner of this [coughs] talent contest

gets a spot on the Royal Variety Performance.

I've sat through eight ass-numbing years of this crap.

Well, I've had enough.

It's my turn to pick the winner.

Look, I'm sorry, but we can't possibly allow--

[growls]

-[barks] -I mean, welcome aboard,

Your Majesty.

Very well.

Let the shotgun see the stag.

[Announcer] 5000 auditions later!

[loud thudding]

Terrible.

Is there nobody else?

I'm sorry, Your Majesty, that is the lot.

You've gotta pick one of them.

No, I've got a better idea.

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to this year's Royal Variety Show.

Oh, I expect it'll be the same old rubbish.

Eh, darling?

[chuckles]

Still, I'm looking forward

to our traditional hanky-panky in the interval.

Crikey.

Dear Vince, by forming a coalition with the Tories,

I brought shame and disgrace on our once-great party.

I've decided to do the honorable thing and end it all.

Farewell, cruel world.

Nick.

Nick.

Nick?

Oh, no!

-Nick! -Yes?

Thank God, I thought you were dead!

Oh, yes, I made that pledge with the best of intentions.

But what's one more broken promise?

I'm going to kill you.

[whimpering]

Booyakasha, I'm Evan Davis.

And on tonight's definitely-not-at-all

desperate-for-ratings show, I'll be completely naked.

That's right, grandpa, all news, all nude.

Snapchat this, Question Time.

♪ And it was all yellow ♪

-[door clicks] -[growling]

[screams]

Nicola, there's a panda in the toilet!

Oh, that was a hell of a party.

56 seats.

Get in!

What time is it?

It's Wednesday!

Oh, my God!

What did we get up to?

Last thing I remember was that massive fireworks display.

Says here one of the Trident missiles is missing.

And so are the Shetlands!

-Oopsie! -Oh, it's all coming back.

I think I gave Nick Clegg three of our seats.

-What?! -Well, we've got so many.

And he looked so sad.

[both laugh]

Right, Westminster, here we come!

[panda growls]

You'd better call Edinburgh Zoo first.

Ah, I've got no power.

Aye.

56 seats and no actual power.

Still, Nick Clegg, eh?

[both laugh]

[humming]

[elegant piano music]

There you go.

Oh, polyglot.

Well done.

'Ere, that word's not allowed.

It's way too short!

-Eh? -You want to play it my way!

It needs some expandifying!

By the revolutionary powers invested in myself,

this here tediocity requires an ad hoc rebrandification.

I give you.

[Announcer] Russell Brand's Wordextendification!

I may be a political ignoramus,

but I am a professor of linguistic ridiculocity.

That's not even a word.

To boost your apparent brainboxiness,

simply confabulate the most erudite words

what you can think of.

Loquaciousnessism.

Extrapolate them to the maximum lengthworthiness.

Lawksamercificationifying.

And bedazzle your awe-struck acolytes

with some serious impressification.

Egopretentiousity.

There's no such thing.

Oh, I think there is.

Every game of Wordextendification

comes with an excessitudinous supply of 800 letters.

[loud clattering]

[Announcer] Russell Brand's Wordextendification!

Best of all, it comes with a right, nice, big rack!

How dare you?

Predecess from your anti-delirium pornographification

of this here bird.

The election was exciting and unpredictable

and you had absolutely no idea who was gonna win.

Hey, we should try that in Formula One sometime.

Well, I've never seen a healthier baby.

Do you have any questions?

Doctor, this might sound silly, but--

Do you think Princess Charlotte

could catch something off George?

Oi, oi, hello, treacle!

Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?

-[loud slap] -[yelps]

Oh, come on, lighten up, love!

Just a bit of bants.

She knows!

-Who? -♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole ♪

Shut him up!

Give him a Greggs steak bake!

Ooh, nice one.

Proper moist.

No need to worry.

George's commonness is not contagious.

It's actually passed down from one of the parents.

Well, he's not got it off my lot, has he?

My family are staunchly middle class!

Haven't you seen the Middleton crest?

-Mm. -Tyson, here, boy!

-Kill, kill, ah, good dog! -[growls]

-Love it! -[laughs]

Your Highness and your Middleness,

it is possible that George's symptoms could be alleviated

if we expose him to the poshest person in the country.

Of course.

I'll get Grand-mama.

Good Lord, no, I was thinking of somebody really posh.

Oh, hello.

I'm Mary Berry.

Let's start with elocution.

How now brown cow.

-Cah. -Cow.

-Cah. -Cow.

Cah.

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, he's back,

in spite of popular demand.

-Nigel Farage! -[audience applauds]

Good evening!

As the asylum seeker said to the customs officer,

"You can't get rid of me!"

[Heckler] I thought UKIP were meant to throw people out!

-[audience laughs] -Good one, mate.

Now shut it and take your seat!

[Heckler] At least I've got a seat!

-[audience laughs] -Oh, very funny!

All right, here's a joke for you.

The first-past-the-post system.

[audience laughs]

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Getting 12% of the national vote and only one bloody MP!

[audience laughs]

A UKIP man walks into the House of Commons bar.

He can't fit in, it's full of Scottish Nationalists.

And they're all pissed!

Not racist.

Just a bad loser.

Mine's a pint.

[Heckler] Bitter?!

You bet I am!

[belches]

[angelic singing]

Ring-a-ding-ding, next confessor, please.

Hello, Popey-peeps.

I think I am ready to confess all of my sins.

Holy mackerel!

Sister Mary, clear my diary!

Hello, I'm Kay Burley,

picking at the scab of the news until it weeps.

[hisses]

With me is the Prime Minister, David Cameron.

-Hello. -So, five more years

of austerity.

Won't that mean more human suffering,

more despair, more families being torn apart?

-Well-- -Because, if so, hooray!

I thrive on misery!

Prime Minister, I think I love you.

Can I lick your face?

-[hisses] -[yelps]

I don't even let George do that!

No, I'm Andy Murray, professional tennis player.

Hence the racket.

This is how I always look.

The SNP won and I beat Nadal.

I am so happy.

No, I'm just reading the subtitles.

You will fit in well here.

Come, let us gaze morosely together at the canal.

I am not miserable.

[upbeat synthesizer music]

♪ You might think I'm a miserable Scot ♪

♪ But let me assure you, I'm definitely not ♪

♪ It's not my fault if I seem so glum ♪

♪ It's in my genes, just look at my mum ♪

♪ Yes, I'm happy ♪

♪ Sing along if you feel like Centre Court without a roof ♪

♪ He's so happy ♪

♪ Sing along if Nadal's serve hits you in the ♪

-[groans] -Still beat him.

♪ The SNP won almost every seat ♪

♪ My wife shouts "fuck" at the guys I beat ♪

♪ There's only one thing really makes me mad ♪

♪ When people see my face and think I'm sad ♪

♪ Now I'm not happy ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm not happy ♪

I'm angry, livid, pissed off,

fuming, irate, seething.

Gr.

Hi, and welcome to Embarrassing Bodies.

Let's take a gawp, I mean, a look at our first patient.

[Narrator] Katie Hopkins is a professional Twitter troll,

who said she'd leave the country if Labour got in.

But that still didn't swing quite enough votes.

Right, Katie, what appears to be the problem?

If you ask me, dyslexia doesn't exist.

It's just a bunch of book-dodging thickos.

-[heaves] -[splattering]

I see.

You clearly can't stop producing bile.

Feminism is just a bunch of ugly cows who only hate men

because they don't have a decent pair of jugs.

-[heaves] -[splattering]

Oh, dear.

I think there's only one cure for this.

Cancer is just God's way of telling poor people

to earn more money.

-[heaves] -[splattering]

Here you are, take one of these pills.

Do I have to?

Yes, it's cyanide.

Ha, good luck with that!

I'm already 100% pure poison.

-[heaves] -[splattering]

Want to see my abs?

[Narrator] Meanwhile, in Highgrove,

Charles and Camilla are halfway through

their second wine cellar.

[belches]

I can't stand Benefits Street.

Wastrels sponging off the state.

Never done a day's work in their lives.

Hm, we'd never live like that.

Bunch of lazy-assed no-goods.

Top up?

Hmm, more gin, please.

[groans]

There, right in the eyeball.

[dog whines]

Hello, this is the famous Hadron Collider.

Amazing, isn't it?

It is home to hundreds of physicists,

who are trying to find the answers

to the most important questions in the universe.

Questions like, "Is Brian Cox single?"

Today, we are gonna witness the most dangerous

scientific experiment ever attempted,

as a team of particle physicists

try to split the Ant and Dec.

Heh! What?!

No!

No, we don't want to separate!

We've always been together!

Who'll get custody of the BAFTAs?!

[both laugh]

As we all learned at school,

for every Ant, there is an equal and opposite Dec,

but scientists are hoping

that by firing super-charged protons at an Ant and Dec,

they might just be able to split them apart.

Amazing.

Whoa, Ant, this is well weird!

We're going so fast, I've lost all feeling in my face!

It's like being Amanda Holden!

[Both] Whoa!

[loud boom]

Sadly, it doesn't look like the experiment has worked.

We're still together!

Hold on a second, though.

Something weird has happened.

We're the wrong way around!

Ho, ho, actually, this is better.

Dec and Ant!

I like it.

No!

Ho, ho!

[upbeat rock music]

Cara, babes, you're shaking.

How long's it been since your last one?

Oh, God, good five minutes?

Go on, have a quick one.

Treat yourself.

[camera snaps]

And Instagram.

Ah, yeah, that's the stuff.

Time now to hear from the most important man

in British politics.

Me.

And the person lucky enough

to be talking to me today is Boris Johnson.

Wahoo!

Vah! Bah!

Greetings and salutations!

So, Boris, you're the Mayor of London

and now you've also been elected as an MP

and you're attending cabinet meetings.

The question some people are asking,

though not as brilliantly as I'm asking it, is,

"Can you really do three jobs at once?"

No, no, I can do hundreds of jobs at once.

Three jobs are for wimps!

I also do my newspaper column, books, consultancy work,

and I'm a milkman.

Good morning, Mrs. Robinson.

I've got that extra cream you ordered.

[laughs]

I'm also a jockey, a brain surgeon, and a plumber.

Good morning, Mrs. Robinson.

Got any pipes that need unblocking?

[laughs]

I'm also a pilot, professional footballer, and a gardener.

Good morning, Mrs. Robinson.

Have you got a bush that needs--

I get the idea.

[tapping]

What are you doing, Ed?

Oh, Yvette.

I've let everybody down, so I thought I'd say sorry.

Oh, Ed.

It's got two Rs.

Oh.

At least I tried.

[sobbing]

[upbeat rock music]