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[bright music]
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00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:11,640
Now, listen up, Princess.
3
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You might have strolled in here
like Billy Swanky Bollocks,
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00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:17,400
all new and shiny, but
I'm the daddy round here.
5
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:20,440
I'm the one what's gonna get
the big hat and the gold chair.
6
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,640
So don't get any ideas, and
we'll be cushty, you got me?
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Just don't mess with me, kid,
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'cause I'm flippin' royal dangerous!
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Aww, that's so cute.
10
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,880
Wills, come and look at this.
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George is talking to the baby.
12
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Mummy, Georgie wuv the wittle baby.
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Aww, Georgie, you're the
sweetest child in the world.
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Hear that, you ponce?
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Hello, I'm Benedict Cumberbatch,
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00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,560
with a voice rich and deep like a humidor
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00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,200
drizzled in caramel.
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I'm here to talk about a desperate cause.
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00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,480
They said if I swished my
perfectly tousled hair,
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and gazed into your soul with my eyes,
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green as an emerald forest,
22
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:04,320
I might convince you to
reach deep into your pockets,
23
00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:06,840
because time is running out.
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00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:11,040
This week, the UN declared
Ed Miliband a Disaster Zone.
25
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If you do not act now,
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literally tens of thousands of
votes may be needlessly lost.
27
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Look, if you want a leader
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who's going to wreck the
economy and kill off the NHS,
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then I'm your man.
30
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No, I mean, David Cameron is.
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Er can I start again?
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[David Dimbleby] I'm sorry, Ed, it's live.
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Oh Whoa!
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[audience gasps]
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Your help is desperately needed.
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Unless action is taken now,
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the Labour Party may struggle to survive.
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Just five pounds will buy some
gaffer tape for Ed's mouth.
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50 pounds will buy a crash mat,
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so Ed won't hurt himself
when he trips over.
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A donation of 100 pounds
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will go towards buying a ticket back home
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for Ed's brother, David.
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So, take a little time
to make a big difference.
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Ah, Bendyback Cumberface.
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Can I just say, I loved you as Poldark.
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[Announcer] Clarkson
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Hammond and May.
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Live!
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Yes, I'm back!
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00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,520
If you like cars, bullying
and casual bigotry,
52
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,760
why not join an arena full
of like-minded people?
53
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,320
By which I mean men.
54
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,120
Featuring all your favorite insults,
55
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and of course my all-time greatest hit,
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"Bring on the Producer."
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[whimpering]
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Bosh.
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Don't miss my "Thanks For The
Money, Chumps", World Tour.
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[Announcer] Warning, no hot
food available at venue.
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What?
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I'm not sure, like, Ant,
how are we gonna vote?
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Er just remind us.
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Which one's Labour and
which one's Conservative?
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I don't know, I can't
tell them apart any more.
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It was easy when one party
used to stand on the right.
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And the other used to stand on the left.
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So you always knew which was which.
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So, how are we gonna vote?
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I don't know, Lib Dem?
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[laughing]
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You crack me up, man.
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[Announcer] Will you please
welcome to the stage,
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Britain's biggest joker, Nigel Farage!
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00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,040
[scattered applause]
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00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:02,880
Settle down, settle down.
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Right, here's one.
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00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,640
What's brown and sticky?
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Anyone who works for the BBC!
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They're all shits.
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[laughter]
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[Woman] You're a breath
of fresh air in politics.
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00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:12,360
Who let a woman in?
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Only joking, love.
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And remember, it's not
sexist, it's just traditional.
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Get the dinner on!
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[laughter] Here's one.
88
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:19,440
How many foreign aid workers
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does it take to change a light bulb?
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None, we should leave it to
the indigenous population
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to sort it out themselves.
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[Man] What about Nepal?
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That's different, that's a disaster.
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[Man] You're the disaster, mate!
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00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:30,400
Now, now.
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00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,560
I know people say UKIP won't
win many seats tomorrow.
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I've said it before, I'll say it again.
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Don't trust the polls.
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Not racist, just
unpleasantly double-edged.
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00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:38,600
Mine's a pint!
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[belching]
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♪ She's Mrs Crown ♪
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[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
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welcome to Mrs Crown's Boys.
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[applause]
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Hello again.
107
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I suppose you've heard the news?
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Well, you could hardly fecking avoid it.
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[canned laughter]
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Another great-grandchild.
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To go with my not-so-great grandchildren
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and my four fecking useless kids.
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Hello, Mammy.
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Talking of which,
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what are you so fecking happy about?
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The new baby.
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She's fourth in line to the throne,
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so she's even less likely
to be crowned than I am.
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The last thing we need is
another bucking mouth to feed.
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Why can't you men keep
it in your trousers?
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It's like when Andy started
bringing his girlfriends
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back to the Palace.
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Buckingham?
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I bet he was, the dirty little devil!
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[canned laughter]
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[Kate and Will humming fanfare]
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That's nice.
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Can't even afford a fecking fanfare.
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00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:28,800
Hello, Charlotte, you little sponger.
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Welcome to the family.
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[breaking wind]
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That's a bit rude.
133
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Sorry, I should never have
had that fecking curried swan.
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[canned laughter]
135
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,360
So, Mammy, who do you
think she takes after?
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Well, she's got your hair.
137
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She hasn't got any hair.
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My point exactly.
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[canned laughter]
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She doesn't do much all day.
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She takes after Edward, then.
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00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:46,760
But she's up all night.
143
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In which case, she takes after Harry.
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[All] Definitely Harry!
145
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♪ She's Mrs Crown ♪
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George, old pal.
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The rest of this year could be a time
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for some serious chillaxing.
149
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,440
I'm thinking two weeks in the Algarve,
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00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,160
then 10 days in Tuscany,
three weeks in St Lucia,
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00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,360
followed up with a full month
down in good old Cornwall.
152
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:12,160
But, David, what if you win the election?
153
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This is if I win the election, obvs.
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[upbeat music]
155
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Kanye, Kanye, baby.
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Oh, my God, it's a disaster!
157
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What is it, honey?
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It's my ass.
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My ass just got smaller.
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Er honey, that's not your ass.
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That's your elbow.
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Huh?
163
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,720
[suspenseful music]
164
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Luther, maverick
detective at your service.
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Someone asked me to come to Moscow
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and help you solve a series of murders.
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00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:49,520
Murders?
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00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,840
We definitely haven't had a series
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of politically motivated murders.
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And even if we had,
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we have no idea who's
obviously behind them.
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So, let me get this straight,
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you've no idea who hasn't done the murders
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that haven't happened?
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00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,480
No, no idea at all, Detective Luther.
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We're completely in the dark.
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That's why I like it here.
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It's dark and moody.
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I could put the lights on.
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00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,440
No, it has to be this way.
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It's how my show works.
182
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I go all whispery
183
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,680
and then I suddenly get
angry for no good reason!
184
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:18,800
Who asked me out here?
185
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Who?
186
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Hello!
187
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It was me.
188
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Why did you get me here?
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Because I like the maverick way
190
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you investigate murders, Luther, darling.
191
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You never suspect the
person who obviously did it.
192
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,480
Just because you're an exotic
psychopath with motive,
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00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,920
means and opportunity
doesn't mean you're guilty.
194
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:36,760
Exactly.
195
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:40,160
Now, how about you tie me up
196
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and slap me around a bit anyway?
197
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I've got my own handcuffs.
198
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:44,920
No, thanks.
199
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,920
I've got to go and stand
on a bridge, looking moody.
200
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:52,200
Aww Dimitri, send for that manly Sherlock.
201
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,640
[Presenter] And now, the weather forecast
202
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:54,840
with Alex Salmond.
203
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:55,680
Hello.
204
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:56,760
A quick look at tomorrow,
205
00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,600
and we can see it will yet
again be sunny down in England,
206
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,800
while here in Scotland it'll
be wet, gray and bitter,
207
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,960
thanks to England stealing
all the best weather
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00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,480
as per usual, and forcing
Scotland to be up here,
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00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,720
halfway to the bloody Arctic Circle.
210
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,880
So, let's take a look at
the long-term forecast.
211
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,920
An outbreak of support for the SNP
212
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,200
will see the party sweep into Westminster,
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00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,240
where continued high pressure will lead
214
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,480
to heavy fracking here, here and here.
215
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,800
Which in turn will see
Scotland breaking off
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00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,040
and heading across the Atlantic
217
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:31,480
to join Sean Connery in the Caribbean.
218
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,400
And you can't get more Scottish than that.
219
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:34,320
Good night!
220
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,520
[Announcer] This is The Cube,
221
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:41,320
where simple tasks become epic challenges.
222
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,160
Sophie, welcome to The Cube.
223
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,160
[Announcer] The Cube.
224
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:47,240
Insincere friendly chat where
we find out more about you.
225
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,080
Well, I--
226
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,080
Moving on, your first game
is called Cross In A Box.
227
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:52,440
[applause]
228
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:53,280
[Announcer] All you have to do
229
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:55,200
is put a cross in the right box,
230
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,560
but which is the right box?
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00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,200
Your time starts now.
232
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,480
[Announcer] Now.
233
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,280
[gasps]
234
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:02,120
This is impossible.
235
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:03,320
I don't really like any of them.
236
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,160
Oh, help.
237
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:05,960
Simplify!
238
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,120
Remember, if you want that one to win,
239
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,160
then vote for the other one
240
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:09,360
and hope they do a deal with this one,
241
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,200
which means that one actually
holds the balance of power.
242
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,840
[groans]
243
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,840
Okay, I've done it, I've done it!
244
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:18,240
[applause]
245
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:19,600
Congratulations, Sophie.
246
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,560
You've won another coalition shitfest!
247
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:23,560
[Announcer] Shitfest.
248
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:24,800
Oh, no.
249
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,160
Consoling words that sound like I care.
250
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:27,960
Now, piss off.
251
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,880
[Announcer] Piss off.
252
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:34,600
[explosion crashing]
253
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,080
Another hit, boom, whoo-hoo!
254
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:38,440
I'm going to beat my record.
255
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:39,720
Launch missile.
256
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,560
[explosion crashing]
257
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:41,400
Got it!
258
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,200
Great shot.
259
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,120
Oh, that's good to see, sir.
260
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,080
You've finally found something to do.
261
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,600
Yeah, this sure beats playing golf.
262
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,840
Look out, Mr Terrorist,
here comes a drone.
263
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,360
I gotta say, sir, this is
one realistic computer game.
264
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,200
Game?
265
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,640
This ain't no game.
266
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:57,640
[explosion crashing]
267
00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,160
Dang, missed!
268
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:00,320
Killed some civilians.
269
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,200
There goes my high score.
270
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,040
Shit.
271
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,040
[gasps]
272
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,680
[horns honking]
273
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,800
[horn honking]
274
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,040
Welcome back to Embarrassing Bodies.
275
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:41,160
Next up, we've got Lib
Dem leader, Nick Clegg.
276
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,160
So what seems to be the problem, Nick?
277
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,680
Well, there's no easy way to say this.
278
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:49,200
Erm, I'm having trouble
getting my polls up.
279
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,080
I see.
280
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,280
It sounds like what you're suffering from
281
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,480
is electile dysfunction.
282
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:55,440
I think that's right.
283
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:56,800
I'm definitely impotent.
284
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,400
Totally and utterly impotent.
285
00:09:58,400 --> 00:09:59,440
And when did this start?
286
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,440
It was about five years ago.
287
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,200
When I got into bed with David Cameron.
288
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,760
So you are still being shafted then?
289
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:05,920
Oh, yes, all the time.
290
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,000
Ah, well, I think the
best course of action
291
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,040
is to take some time off work.
292
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,680
Starting on, say tomorrow?
293
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:14,640
Shouldn't be a problem.
294
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,160
Would you like to see my abs?
295
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,640
Yes, actually, I would.
296
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,040
It's a very, very close election,
297
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,240
which is why I'm so excited about it.
298
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,680
Still not sure how I'll be voting.
299
00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:29,840
Do the SNP have a candidate in Surrey?
300
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:30,680
Freedom!
301
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,360
Have you had an accident at work?
302
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,960
Note to self, mustn't trip
over big pile of boxes.
303
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,640
Oh! [crashing]
304
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,200
I didn't see that coming.
305
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,840
Knowing wink to camera.
306
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,920
Have you recently fallen over
a large pile of empty boxes?
307
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,280
Well, I certainly won't
be doing that again.
308
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,240
Oh! [thudding]
309
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,400
Then call Miranda Direct.
310
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,680
Oh, he's so dishy.
311
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,320
Our team of skilled agents
will contact the BBC
312
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,640
and demand a huge fee for turning
313
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,320
your implausible mishaps into a TV show.
314
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,760
Oops, I've got my necklace caught
315
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,440
in a sushi-bar conveyor belt again!
316
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:05,280
Oh!
317
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,800
Yes, if you're as
accident-prone as Miranda,
318
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,440
a huge pay-out from
the BBC could be yours.
319
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,920
You too could be laughing
all the way to the bank.
320
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,520
Whoopsie!
321
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,680
Just listen to our satisfied customers.
322
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,040
I called Miranda Direct
323
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,320
and now I'm a laughing
stock on TV as well.
324
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,800
Whoa!
325
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,600
Miranda Direct, we're
waiting for your call.
326
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,200
Oh!
327
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,120
Oh, yes, he's definitely my type.
328
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:31,960
Am I up for this?
329
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,440
Too bloody right I am.
330
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,720
Bring it on!
331
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,960
Darling, you really
need to get some sleep.
332
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,280
Tomorrow is a big day.
333
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,680
I don't wanna sleep.
334
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,240
I'm too pumped up!
335
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,040
Ooh, I love it when you're like this.
336
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:43,880
So do I.
337
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,000
This campaign has really
got my juices flowing.
338
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,440
I'm bang up for it!
339
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,040
Ooh, Dave, come here, you animal.
340
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:50,880
What?
341
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:52,080
Let's do it.
342
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,160
No, it's the country I wanna fuck.
343
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,920
Phwoar, five more years.
344
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:56,760
Bring it on!
345
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,920
[moaning]
346
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,920
What a historic moment.
347
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,920
We are about to meet the
newly elected Prime Minister
348
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,320
of Great Britain.
349
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:08,600
Erm Hi, there.
350
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,560
[laughter]
351
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:11,920
Why is everyone laughing?
352
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,040
[Woman] He's naked!
353
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:13,960
[groaning]
354
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,800
Listen, guys, I know I pledged
355
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,560
that if there was a Labour government
356
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,280
I would be wearing clothes, but erm...
357
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,200
[Man] Resign!
358
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,720
This is sensational!
359
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,080
Could Ed Miliband's term in office
360
00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,200
be even shorter than his penis?
361
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,200
Look, I inherited these chilly conditions
362
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,960
from the previous Tory government.
363
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,160
Now, please, stop laughing.
364
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,360
Please, stop laughing.
365
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,520
[gasping]
366
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,560
Darling, I've just had the
most terrible nightmare.
367
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,440
I was Prime Minister, and I
simply wasn't up to the job.
368
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:45,560
Don't worry, dearie.
369
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:48,120
If you win, I'll be wearing the trousers.
370
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,480
[screaming]
371
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,440
Oh, God, look at the cheap tat
the commoners have sent us.
372
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,520
Do you mind, that was
from Mummy and Daddy.
373
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,600
Oh, well, oh, it's charming.
374
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,240
Don't worry, Pops, all
this is all going on eBay.
375
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:04,520
Oi, oi, savaloy.
376
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,000
Oh, this looks more promising.
377
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:06,920
Who's it from?
378
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,720
Hm, Sky News.
379
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,600
Hello, I'm Kay Burley, milking the udder
380
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,760
of human-interest stories
until the teat bleeds.
381
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:14,600
[hisses]
382
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:15,400
[shudders]
383
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,040
[laughing] Nappy change for Daddy!
384
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,640
So, are you trying for number three yet
385
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,280
or are you still a bit sore?
386
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:21,840
That's rather personal.
387
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,160
Shut it, baldy. [hisses]
388
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:24,800
The big question is,
389
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,760
when's all this unsightly
baby weight going?
390
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,320
I've only just given birth.
391
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,240
Not you!
392
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,240
I'm talking about Princess Porky.
393
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,920
Eight pounds and three ounces?
394
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,760
That body's not beach ready.
395
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,720
Don't you fat shame my baby!
396
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:37,560
Ow!
397
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:38,800
Stitch that, Burley.
398
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:39,840
Nice one, Mum!
399
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,240
Why didn't Pacquiao give
Mayweather a bit of that ey?
400
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,840
Knockout, be lucky!
401
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,640
No, vote bad.
402
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,520
Dictator system much better.
403
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,400
You must accept Supreme Leader
404
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,840
brought up to rule nation
with life of luxury
405
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,320
and pots of money.
406
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,200
Oh, hang on, that sounds
like David Cameron.
407
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,040
Ooh!
408
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,680
[Announcer] Legend speaks of a man.
409
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,680
[Woman] Oh, my God, what's happening?
410
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,240
[Announcer] Who will stop at nothing
411
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:09,040
Where am I?
412
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:09,880
Who are you?
413
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:11,840
[Announcer] In his pursuit of evil.
414
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:14,960
I'm going to suck you
dry of all your talent.
415
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,280
No! [thunder crashing]
416
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:19,200
[Announcer] Simon Cowell,
Prince of Blandness.
417
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,400
I am going to take over the planet
418
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,240
with my army of pop zombies,
419
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,920
led by my most terrifying
creation yet, Harry Styles!
420
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,520
So tired, need sleep.
421
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:28,880
Want to leave the band.
422
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:30,760
No, your world tour must go on for ever.
423
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:31,880
Aaaah.
424
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,400
Don't worry, we'll auto-tune that.
425
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,680
[Announcer] He preys on the vulnerable.
426
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,040
♪ I dreamed a dream ♪
427
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,120
Quiet, Susan.
428
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,320
I'll let you out at Christmas.
429
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,600
[Susan] Oh, thank you, Mr Cowell.
430
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,440
[Announcer] He inflicts
unspeakable atrocities
431
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:46,360
on the world.
432
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:49,360
I'm planning three more Pudsey movies.
433
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,880
[Announcer] Simon Cowell is an evil count.
434
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,720
Okay, I know what you've done there,
435
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:58,800
and you will never voice-over
in this town again.
436
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,200
I have to say, it's shocking
437
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,280
that the streets of Baltimore
438
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,080
are over-run with mindless thugs
439
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,480
committing acts of violence and brutality
440
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,080
with zero respect for the law.
441
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:10,920
[Reporter] Can't the police stop them?
442
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,920
I was talking about the police.
443
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,080
Awkward!
444
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,680
[upbeat music]
445
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,400
Oh, this is terrible.
446
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:21,880
Just terrible.
447
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:22,920
Tell me about it.
448
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,120
Miriam cheered me up this morning
449
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,160
saying on the bright side,
there will always be work for me
450
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:27,920
on the after-dinner circuit.
451
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,640
Yeah, someone has to do the washing-up.
452
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:31,960
Cheers, Vince.
453
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,640
This week we're house-hunting in Dorset
454
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,320
for John and Susan and their young family.
455
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,960
But they're going to have to be flexible
456
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:45,200
if they want to find
somewhere within their budget.
457
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,680
So, first impressions?
458
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,280
To be honest, I don't
really like the vibe.
459
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,400
There's something creepy about this place.
460
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:52,440
I knew you'd like it.
461
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:53,760
Perfect, isn't it?
462
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,200
No, we're not sure about the town either.
463
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,040
Everyone seems a bit miserable.
464
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:58,880
Nonsense.
465
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,600
Broadchurch is a lovely place.
466
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:02,800
Hello, Kirsty, have you sold my house yet?
467
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,480
It's only a matter of time.
468
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,920
Really, that's great news.
469
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,320
So they don't mind that a
murderous pedophile lived here?
470
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,160
A murderous pedophile lived here?
471
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:12,760
Oh, well done!
472
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:13,880
I'm sorry.
473
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,440
I'm always messing things up. [sobbing]
474
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,600
Don't worry, I've got this.
475
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,720
You two are putting in an offer.
476
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,280
They are offering 20K
over the asking price.
477
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,160
Brilliant, I'm so happy!
478
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:25,240
We don't want to buy it.
479
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:28,040
[sobbing] I'm so sad.
480
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,160
Look, you muppets, you're going to buy it
481
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,640
because we need something to happen
482
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,240
in the final part of the show.
483
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,400
And if you don't like it,
484
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,840
there's a nice big cliff
to throw yourself off.
485
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,920
Now, let's have a drink to celebrate.
486
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,440
Neither of us drinks.
487
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:44,440
You will, once you've
moved in here. [sobbing]
488
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,800
I'll tell you what I'm
going to do on May 7th,
489
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:50,920
I'm going back in time to
shove a sonic screwdriver
490
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:54,920
up the jacksy of the Athenian
who invented democracy.
491
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,120
Oh, and figs!
492
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,120
I'm going to kill the Greek
the bastard who gave us figs.
493
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,680
They're wee shite nuggets,
that's what figs are.
494
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,080
[blow raspberry] There's a fig!
495
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,920
People often say to
me, "David", and I say,
496
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,680
"Call me Dave".
497
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,960
"Dave, for five years
you've been Prime Minister
498
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,960
of a country in economic turmoil.
499
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,840
How come you haven't aged a day,
500
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:15,480
unlike other world leaders,
501
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:17,200
who end up looking like an old apple core
502
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,400
that's been left in a glove compartment?
503
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,200
Whereas you, "Call me Dave,"
504
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,840
have plump, youthful, shiny skin,
505
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:29,120
with cheeks as soft as a silk
cloud filled with blancmange."
506
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,880
So, what's my secret?
507
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:32,360
[Woman] Chillax.
508
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:34,720
It's not a cream. [smashing]
509
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,000
It's a way of life!
510
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,000
Just 'chillax',
511
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,320
put your feet up and do bugger all.
512
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,960
That plus my uncanny ability
to only care about myself
513
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:48,880
is why my head looks like a
thumb with a face drawn on it.
514
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,440
[Woman] Chillax.
515
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,720
What's that, the election
result's on a knife edge?
516
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:56,560
I'm on my way to Cornwall for a minibreak.
517
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:57,840
[Announcer] Warning:
Chillax may have unwanted
518
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:01,920
side-effects, such as
being kicked out of office.
519
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,840
[Woman] Er, who should I vote for?
520
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:37,680
Green.
521
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,640
[sighs]
522
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,360
I'm enormously proud to unveil
523
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:49,080
this magnificent rock
engraved with the six pledges
524
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:52,720
that a Labour government
absolutely guarantees to commit to.
525
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:56,360
Although obviously
they're not set in stone.
526
00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,480
At least I tried.
527
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,240
Passport, please.
528
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,480
Sorry, I think you meant to say,
529
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,640
"Oh, my word, it's Paul Hollywood,
530
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,840
the great British baker
with the smoking hot buns.
531
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,440
I'll give him an upgrade."
532
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,080
No, passport, please.
533
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,760
It's open on the photo page,
534
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:18,080
so I just turned up the
temperature in your bottom oven
535
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,000
to gas mark sex.
536
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,800
[sighs] Have you got any baggage, sir?
537
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,720
Well a guy like me does
come with a bit of history.
538
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:25,600
The suitcase.
539
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:26,440
Oh, yes.
540
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,240
I'm afraid you've exceeded your allowance.
541
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,520
Well, I do pack more than the average man.
542
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:32,720
That'll be 200 quid.
543
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,240
That's a substantial figure.
544
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:38,040
Much like me nude, greased,
lightly dusted with icing sugar,
545
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:41,320
and served up for afternoon tea
with a jug of whipped cream.
546
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,160
Right, that's it.
547
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,400
Security!
548
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,880
Sorry, Paul, it's time for you to leave.
549
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:49,080
Oh, am I going to be the meat
in a Mel and Sue sandwich?
550
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:49,920
No way!
551
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,600
Oh, right in the sugared plums!
552
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,520
That stopped his souffle rising.
553
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,760
[giggling]
554
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,960
♪ Politics is just a game ♪
555
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,960
♪ None of us have any shame ♪
556
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,200
♪ Now it's time for you to vote ♪
557
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,040
♪ Mmm-mmm ♪
558
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,240
♪ I think I'll go and get my coat ♪
559
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,120
♪ Mmm-mmm ♪
560
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:15,960
♪ At doing interviews, I'm green ♪
561
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,040
♪ I'm far posher than I seem ♪
562
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:21,080
♪ Independence is my aim ♪
563
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:22,240
♪ Mmm-mmm ♪
564
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,280
♪ Even I forget my name ♪
565
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,120
♪ Boom-boom ♪
566
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,880
♪ Another coalition ♪
567
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,640
♪ Such a nightmare vision ♪
568
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,520
♪ Who wins is my decision ♪
569
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:34,880
♪ Or it could be mine ♪
570
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:35,720
♪ Or mine ♪
571
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:36,560
♪ Or Mine ♪
572
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,120
♪ No, come on, guys ♪
573
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,880
♪ The voters gonna hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate ♪
574
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,800
♪ None of us they rate,
rate, rate, rate, rate ♪
575
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,880
♪ Though I pretend that I'm
their mate, mate, mate, mate ♪
576
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,200
♪ We put the voters off ♪
577
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,120
♪ Voters off ♪
578
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:52,040
♪ I know you want to punch my face ♪
579
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,960
♪ And you think I'm a waste of space ♪
580
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,760
♪ Whichever one of us you choose ♪
581
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,000
♪ Mmm-mmm ♪
582
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,160
♪ The whole country's gonna lose ♪
583
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:01,080
♪ Mmm-mmm ♪
584
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,760
♪ But let's make one thing clear ♪
585
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,480
♪ Things might be bad here ♪
586
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,440
♪ But look at North Korea ♪
587
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,600
♪ No voting here at all ♪
588
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:14,120
♪ Stick you up against the wall ♪
589
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:16,960
♪ We're all so bloody lame,
lame, lame, lame, lame ♪
590
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,840
♪ You really can't be blamed,
blamed, blamed, blamed, blamed ♪
591
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,680
♪ If you think we're all the
same, same, same, same, same ♪
592
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,080
♪ We put the voters off ♪
593
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,840
♪ The voters off ♪
594
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,960
♪ So as you go to the polls,
polls, polls, polls, polls ♪
595
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,640
♪ Decide which of us arseholes,
holes, holes, holes, holes ♪
596
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,680
♪ Sucks the least life from your
souls, souls, souls, souls ♪
597
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,160
♪ Vote for me ♪
598
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,280
♪ Vote for me ♪
599
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,400
♪ Vote for me ♪
600
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,280
♪ Vote for me ♪
601
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:41,160
♪ Me me me ♪
602
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,200
♪ Vote for me ♪
603
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,080
♪ Vote for me ♪
604
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,040
♪ Me me me ♪
605
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:45,280
♪ Vote for me ♪
606
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:46,120
♪ Vote for me ♪
607
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:46,960
♪ Me me me ♪
608
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:47,800
♪ Vote for me ♪
609
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:48,640
♪ Me me me ♪
610
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,320
♪ Vote for me ♪
611
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:52,800
[groans]
612
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,440
[upbeat music]
42772
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