Original subtitles

[bright music]

Now, listen up, Princess.

You might have strolled in here like Billy Swanky Bollocks,

all new and shiny, but I'm the daddy round here.

I'm the one what's gonna get the big hat and the gold chair.

So don't get any ideas, and we'll be cushty, you got me?

Just don't mess with me, kid,

'cause I'm flippin' royal dangerous!

Aww, that's so cute.

Wills, come and look at this.

George is talking to the baby.

Mummy, Georgie wuv the wittle baby.

Aww, Georgie, you're the sweetest child in the world.

Hear that, you ponce?

Hello, I'm Benedict Cumberbatch,

with a voice rich and deep like a humidor

drizzled in caramel.

I'm here to talk about a desperate cause.

They said if I swished my perfectly tousled hair,

and gazed into your soul with my eyes,

green as an emerald forest,

I might convince you to reach deep into your pockets,

because time is running out.

This week, the UN declared Ed Miliband a Disaster Zone.

If you do not act now,

literally tens of thousands of votes may be needlessly lost.

Look, if you want a leader

who's going to wreck the economy and kill off the NHS,

then I'm your man.

No, I mean, David Cameron is.

Er can I start again?

[David Dimbleby] I'm sorry, Ed, it's live.

Oh Whoa!

[audience gasps]

Your help is desperately needed.

Unless action is taken now,

the Labour Party may struggle to survive.

Just five pounds will buy some gaffer tape for Ed's mouth.

50 pounds will buy a crash mat,

so Ed won't hurt himself when he trips over.

A donation of 100 pounds

will go towards buying a ticket back home

for Ed's brother, David.

So, take a little time to make a big difference.

Ah, Bendyback Cumberface.

Can I just say, I loved you as Poldark.

[Announcer] Clarkson

Hammond and May.

Live!

Yes, I'm back!

If you like cars, bullying and casual bigotry,

why not join an arena full of like-minded people?

By which I mean men.

Featuring all your favorite insults,

and of course my all-time greatest hit,

"Bring on the Producer."

[whimpering]

Bosh.

Don't miss my "Thanks For The Money, Chumps", World Tour.

[Announcer] Warning, no hot food available at venue.

What?

I'm not sure, like, Ant, how are we gonna vote?

Er just remind us.

Which one's Labour and which one's Conservative?

I don't know, I can't tell them apart any more.

It was easy when one party used to stand on the right.

And the other used to stand on the left.

So you always knew which was which.

So, how are we gonna vote?

I don't know, Lib Dem?

[laughing]

You crack me up, man.

[Announcer] Will you please welcome to the stage,

Britain's biggest joker, Nigel Farage!

[scattered applause]

Settle down, settle down.

Right, here's one.

What's brown and sticky?

Anyone who works for the BBC!

They're all shits.

[laughter]

[Woman] You're a breath of fresh air in politics.

Who let a woman in?

Only joking, love.

And remember, it's not sexist, it's just traditional.

Get the dinner on!

[laughter] Here's one.

How many foreign aid workers

does it take to change a light bulb?

None, we should leave it to the indigenous population

to sort it out themselves.

[Man] What about Nepal?

That's different, that's a disaster.

[Man] You're the disaster, mate!

Now, now.

I know people say UKIP won't win many seats tomorrow.

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

Don't trust the polls.

Not racist, just unpleasantly double-edged.

Mine's a pint!

[belching]

♪ She's Mrs Crown ♪

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Mrs Crown's Boys.

[applause]

Hello again.

I suppose you've heard the news?

Well, you could hardly fecking avoid it.

[canned laughter]

Another great-grandchild.

To go with my not-so-great grandchildren

and my four fecking useless kids.

Hello, Mammy.

Talking of which,

what are you so fecking happy about?

The new baby.

She's fourth in line to the throne,

so she's even less likely to be crowned than I am.

The last thing we need is another bucking mouth to feed.

Why can't you men keep it in your trousers?

It's like when Andy started bringing his girlfriends

back to the Palace.

Buckingham?

I bet he was, the dirty little devil!

[canned laughter]

[Kate and Will humming fanfare]

That's nice.

Can't even afford a fecking fanfare.

Hello, Charlotte, you little sponger.

Welcome to the family.

[breaking wind]

That's a bit rude.

Sorry, I should never have had that fecking curried swan.

[canned laughter]

So, Mammy, who do you think she takes after?

Well, she's got your hair.

She hasn't got any hair.

My point exactly.

[canned laughter]

She doesn't do much all day.

She takes after Edward, then.

But she's up all night.

In which case, she takes after Harry.

[All] Definitely Harry!

♪ She's Mrs Crown ♪

George, old pal.

The rest of this year could be a time

for some serious chillaxing.

I'm thinking two weeks in the Algarve,

then 10 days in Tuscany, three weeks in St Lucia,

followed up with a full month down in good old Cornwall.

But, David, what if you win the election?

This is if I win the election, obvs.

[upbeat music]

Kanye, Kanye, baby.

Oh, my God, it's a disaster!

What is it, honey?

It's my ass.

My ass just got smaller.

Er honey, that's not your ass.

That's your elbow.

Huh?

[suspenseful music]

Luther, maverick detective at your service.

Someone asked me to come to Moscow

and help you solve a series of murders.

Murders?

We definitely haven't had a series

of politically motivated murders.

And even if we had,

we have no idea who's obviously behind them.

So, let me get this straight,

you've no idea who hasn't done the murders

that haven't happened?

No, no idea at all, Detective Luther.

We're completely in the dark.

That's why I like it here.

It's dark and moody.

I could put the lights on.

No, it has to be this way.

It's how my show works.

I go all whispery

and then I suddenly get angry for no good reason!

Who asked me out here?

Who?

Hello!

It was me.

Why did you get me here?

Because I like the maverick way

you investigate murders, Luther, darling.

You never suspect the person who obviously did it.

Just because you're an exotic psychopath with motive,

means and opportunity doesn't mean you're guilty.

Exactly.

Now, how about you tie me up

and slap me around a bit anyway?

I've got my own handcuffs.

No, thanks.

I've got to go and stand on a bridge, looking moody.

Aww Dimitri, send for that manly Sherlock.

[Presenter] And now, the weather forecast

with Alex Salmond.

Hello.

A quick look at tomorrow,

and we can see it will yet again be sunny down in England,

while here in Scotland it'll be wet, gray and bitter,

thanks to England stealing all the best weather

as per usual, and forcing Scotland to be up here,

halfway to the bloody Arctic Circle.

So, let's take a look at the long-term forecast.

An outbreak of support for the SNP

will see the party sweep into Westminster,

where continued high pressure will lead

to heavy fracking here, here and here.

Which in turn will see Scotland breaking off

and heading across the Atlantic

to join Sean Connery in the Caribbean.

And you can't get more Scottish than that.

Good night!

[Announcer] This is The Cube,

where simple tasks become epic challenges.

Sophie, welcome to The Cube.

[Announcer] The Cube.

Insincere friendly chat where we find out more about you.

Well, I--

Moving on, your first game is called Cross In A Box.

[applause]

[Announcer] All you have to do

is put a cross in the right box,

but which is the right box?

Your time starts now.

[Announcer] Now.

[gasps]

This is impossible.

I don't really like any of them.

Oh, help.

Simplify!

Remember, if you want that one to win,

then vote for the other one

and hope they do a deal with this one,

which means that one actually holds the balance of power.

[groans]

Okay, I've done it, I've done it!

[applause]

Congratulations, Sophie.

You've won another coalition shitfest!

[Announcer] Shitfest.

Oh, no.

Consoling words that sound like I care.

Now, piss off.

[Announcer] Piss off.

[explosion crashing]

Another hit, boom, whoo-hoo!

I'm going to beat my record.

Launch missile.

[explosion crashing]

Got it!

Great shot.

Oh, that's good to see, sir.

You've finally found something to do.

Yeah, this sure beats playing golf.

Look out, Mr Terrorist, here comes a drone.

I gotta say, sir, this is one realistic computer game.

Game?

This ain't no game.

[explosion crashing]

Dang, missed!

Killed some civilians.

There goes my high score.

Shit.

[gasps]

[horns honking]

[horn honking]

Welcome back to Embarrassing Bodies.

Next up, we've got Lib Dem leader, Nick Clegg.

So what seems to be the problem, Nick?

Well, there's no easy way to say this.

Erm, I'm having trouble getting my polls up.

I see.

It sounds like what you're suffering from

is electile dysfunction.

I think that's right.

I'm definitely impotent.

Totally and utterly impotent.

And when did this start?

It was about five years ago.

When I got into bed with David Cameron.

So you are still being shafted then?

Oh, yes, all the time.

Ah, well, I think the best course of action

is to take some time off work.

Starting on, say tomorrow?

Shouldn't be a problem.

Would you like to see my abs?

Yes, actually, I would.

It's a very, very close election,

which is why I'm so excited about it.

Still not sure how I'll be voting.

Do the SNP have a candidate in Surrey?

Freedom!

Have you had an accident at work?

Note to self, mustn't trip over big pile of boxes.

Oh! [crashing]

I didn't see that coming.

Knowing wink to camera.

Have you recently fallen over a large pile of empty boxes?

Well, I certainly won't be doing that again.

Oh! [thudding]

Then call Miranda Direct.

Oh, he's so dishy.

Our team of skilled agents will contact the BBC

and demand a huge fee for turning

your implausible mishaps into a TV show.

Oops, I've got my necklace caught

in a sushi-bar conveyor belt again!

Oh!

Yes, if you're as accident-prone as Miranda,

a huge pay-out from the BBC could be yours.

You too could be laughing all the way to the bank.

Whoopsie!

Just listen to our satisfied customers.

I called Miranda Direct

and now I'm a laughing stock on TV as well.

Whoa!

Miranda Direct, we're waiting for your call.

Oh!

Oh, yes, he's definitely my type.

Am I up for this?

Too bloody right I am.

Bring it on!

Darling, you really need to get some sleep.

Tomorrow is a big day.

I don't wanna sleep.

I'm too pumped up!

Ooh, I love it when you're like this.

So do I.

This campaign has really got my juices flowing.

I'm bang up for it!

Ooh, Dave, come here, you animal.

What?

Let's do it.

No, it's the country I wanna fuck.

Phwoar, five more years.

Bring it on!

[moaning]

What a historic moment.

We are about to meet the newly elected Prime Minister

of Great Britain.

Erm Hi, there.

[laughter]

Why is everyone laughing?

[Woman] He's naked!

[groaning]

Listen, guys, I know I pledged

that if there was a Labour government

I would be wearing clothes, but erm...

[Man] Resign!

This is sensational!

Could Ed Miliband's term in office

be even shorter than his penis?

Look, I inherited these chilly conditions

from the previous Tory government.

Now, please, stop laughing.

Please, stop laughing.

[gasping]

Darling, I've just had the most terrible nightmare.

I was Prime Minister, and I simply wasn't up to the job.

Don't worry, dearie.

If you win, I'll be wearing the trousers.

[screaming]

Oh, God, look at the cheap tat the commoners have sent us.

Do you mind, that was from Mummy and Daddy.

Oh, well, oh, it's charming.

Don't worry, Pops, all this is all going on eBay.

Oi, oi, savaloy.

Oh, this looks more promising.

Who's it from?

Hm, Sky News.

Hello, I'm Kay Burley, milking the udder

of human-interest stories until the teat bleeds.

[hisses]

[shudders]

[laughing] Nappy change for Daddy!

So, are you trying for number three yet

or are you still a bit sore?

That's rather personal.

Shut it, baldy. [hisses]

The big question is,

when's all this unsightly baby weight going?

I've only just given birth.

Not you!

I'm talking about Princess Porky.

Eight pounds and three ounces?

That body's not beach ready.

Don't you fat shame my baby!

Ow!

Stitch that, Burley.

Nice one, Mum!

Why didn't Pacquiao give Mayweather a bit of that ey?

Knockout, be lucky!

No, vote bad.

Dictator system much better.

You must accept Supreme Leader

brought up to rule nation with life of luxury

and pots of money.

Oh, hang on, that sounds like David Cameron.

Ooh!

[Announcer] Legend speaks of a man.

[Woman] Oh, my God, what's happening?

[Announcer] Who will stop at nothing

Where am I?

Who are you?

[Announcer] In his pursuit of evil.

I'm going to suck you dry of all your talent.

No! [thunder crashing]

[Announcer] Simon Cowell, Prince of Blandness.

I am going to take over the planet

with my army of pop zombies,

led by my most terrifying creation yet, Harry Styles!

So tired, need sleep.

Want to leave the band.

No, your world tour must go on for ever.

Aaaah.

Don't worry, we'll auto-tune that.

[Announcer] He preys on the vulnerable.

♪ I dreamed a dream ♪

Quiet, Susan.

I'll let you out at Christmas.

[Susan] Oh, thank you, Mr Cowell.

[Announcer] He inflicts unspeakable atrocities

on the world.

I'm planning three more Pudsey movies.

[Announcer] Simon Cowell is an evil count.

Okay, I know what you've done there,

and you will never voice-over in this town again.

I have to say, it's shocking

that the streets of Baltimore

are over-run with mindless thugs

committing acts of violence and brutality

with zero respect for the law.

[Reporter] Can't the police stop them?

I was talking about the police.

Awkward!

[upbeat music]

Oh, this is terrible.

Just terrible.

Tell me about it.

Miriam cheered me up this morning

saying on the bright side, there will always be work for me

on the after-dinner circuit.

Yeah, someone has to do the washing-up.

Cheers, Vince.

This week we're house-hunting in Dorset

for John and Susan and their young family.

But they're going to have to be flexible

if they want to find somewhere within their budget.

So, first impressions?

To be honest, I don't really like the vibe.

There's something creepy about this place.

I knew you'd like it.

Perfect, isn't it?

No, we're not sure about the town either.

Everyone seems a bit miserable.

Nonsense.

Broadchurch is a lovely place.

Hello, Kirsty, have you sold my house yet?

It's only a matter of time.

Really, that's great news.

So they don't mind that a murderous pedophile lived here?

A murderous pedophile lived here?

Oh, well done!

I'm sorry.

I'm always messing things up. [sobbing]

Don't worry, I've got this.

You two are putting in an offer.

They are offering 20K over the asking price.

Brilliant, I'm so happy!

We don't want to buy it.

[sobbing] I'm so sad.

Look, you muppets, you're going to buy it

because we need something to happen

in the final part of the show.

And if you don't like it,

there's a nice big cliff to throw yourself off.

Now, let's have a drink to celebrate.

Neither of us drinks.

You will, once you've moved in here. [sobbing]

I'll tell you what I'm going to do on May 7th,

I'm going back in time to shove a sonic screwdriver

up the jacksy of the Athenian who invented democracy.

Oh, and figs!

I'm going to kill the Greek the bastard who gave us figs.

They're wee shite nuggets, that's what figs are.

[blow raspberry] There's a fig!

People often say to me, "David", and I say,

"Call me Dave".

"Dave, for five years you've been Prime Minister

of a country in economic turmoil.

How come you haven't aged a day,

unlike other world leaders,

who end up looking like an old apple core

that's been left in a glove compartment?

Whereas you, "Call me Dave,"

have plump, youthful, shiny skin,

with cheeks as soft as a silk cloud filled with blancmange."

So, what's my secret?

[Woman] Chillax.

It's not a cream. [smashing]

It's a way of life!

Just 'chillax',

put your feet up and do bugger all.

That plus my uncanny ability to only care about myself

is why my head looks like a thumb with a face drawn on it.

[Woman] Chillax.

What's that, the election result's on a knife edge?

I'm on my way to Cornwall for a minibreak.

[Announcer] Warning: Chillax may have unwanted

side-effects, such as being kicked out of office.

[Woman] Er, who should I vote for?

Green.

[sighs]

I'm enormously proud to unveil

this magnificent rock engraved with the six pledges

that a Labour government absolutely guarantees to commit to.

Although obviously they're not set in stone.

At least I tried.

Passport, please.

Sorry, I think you meant to say,

"Oh, my word, it's Paul Hollywood,

the great British baker with the smoking hot buns.

I'll give him an upgrade."

No, passport, please.

It's open on the photo page,

so I just turned up the temperature in your bottom oven

to gas mark sex.

[sighs] Have you got any baggage, sir?

Well a guy like me does come with a bit of history.

The suitcase.

Oh, yes.

I'm afraid you've exceeded your allowance.

Well, I do pack more than the average man.

That'll be 200 quid.

That's a substantial figure.

Much like me nude, greased, lightly dusted with icing sugar,

and served up for afternoon tea with a jug of whipped cream.

Right, that's it.

Security!

Sorry, Paul, it's time for you to leave.

Oh, am I going to be the meat in a Mel and Sue sandwich?

No way!

Oh, right in the sugared plums!

That stopped his souffle rising.

[giggling]

♪ Politics is just a game ♪

♪ None of us have any shame ♪

♪ Now it's time for you to vote ♪

♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

♪ I think I'll go and get my coat ♪

♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

♪ At doing interviews, I'm green ♪

♪ I'm far posher than I seem ♪

♪ Independence is my aim ♪

♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

♪ Even I forget my name ♪

♪ Boom-boom ♪

♪ Another coalition ♪

♪ Such a nightmare vision ♪

♪ Who wins is my decision ♪

♪ Or it could be mine ♪

♪ Or mine ♪

♪ Or Mine ♪

♪ No, come on, guys ♪

♪ The voters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate ♪

♪ None of us they rate, rate, rate, rate, rate ♪

♪ Though I pretend that I'm their mate, mate, mate, mate ♪

♪ We put the voters off ♪

♪ Voters off ♪

♪ I know you want to punch my face ♪

♪ And you think I'm a waste of space ♪

♪ Whichever one of us you choose ♪

♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

♪ The whole country's gonna lose ♪

♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

♪ But let's make one thing clear ♪

♪ Things might be bad here ♪

♪ But look at North Korea ♪

♪ No voting here at all ♪

♪ Stick you up against the wall ♪

♪ We're all so bloody lame, lame, lame, lame, lame ♪

♪ You really can't be blamed, blamed, blamed, blamed, blamed ♪

♪ If you think we're all the same, same, same, same, same ♪

♪ We put the voters off ♪

♪ The voters off ♪

♪ So as you go to the polls, polls, polls, polls, polls ♪

♪ Decide which of us arseholes, holes, holes, holes, holes ♪

♪ Sucks the least life from your souls, souls, souls, souls ♪

♪ Vote for me ♪

♪ Vote for me ♪

♪ Vote for me ♪

♪ Vote for me ♪

♪ Me me me ♪

♪ Vote for me ♪

♪ Vote for me ♪

♪ Me me me ♪

♪ Vote for me ♪

♪ Vote for me ♪

♪ Me me me ♪

♪ Vote for me ♪

♪ Me me me ♪

♪ Vote for me ♪

[groans]

[upbeat music]