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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,091 --> 00:00:07,137 [whispers]: Oh, my God! 2 00:00:09,139 --> 00:00:10,662 [sighs] 3 00:00:13,665 --> 00:00:16,233 [snoring] 4 00:00:16,277 --> 00:00:18,235 Oh, you kissed her! You idiot! 5 00:00:18,279 --> 00:00:21,108 You... 6 00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:22,239 [groans] 7 00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:23,588 [high-pitched gasp] 8 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,466 No, no, no.[muffled shrieking] 9 00:00:31,509 --> 00:00:33,294 I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't. No, no, no. 10 00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,165 I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't doing anything, I... 11 00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:36,732 [whispering]: Do not moonwalk away from me. 12 00:00:36,775 --> 00:00:38,777 Do not. You are not. 13 00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:40,562 You're doing it. Nick? 14 00:00:40,605 --> 00:00:41,998 Shamone. He did. 15 00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:47,308 [sighs] 16 00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:49,179 [yawning] 17 00:00:49,223 --> 00:00:52,095 [both yawning loudly] 18 00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:53,227 Oh. 19 00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:55,316 Ugh, my God. 20 00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:57,013 Oh, I just woke up. 21 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,189 I've been sleeping for hours and hours. 22 00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:01,278 Nice. Me, too. 23 00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:04,020 Let's see here. 24 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:07,023 Oh, sweet. Ten e-mails. 25 00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:12,159 Hey, Sam, um... 26 00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:14,204 I have to tell you something. 27 00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,902 How do you always look so beautiful in the morning? 28 00:01:16,946 --> 00:01:19,035 Sometimes I can't even look at you. 29 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,732 I can't even-- I got to look away. 30 00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:22,125 I can't even look at you right now. 31 00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:24,301 Wait, but I got to. Now I got to look away. 32 00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:26,129 I just can't resist. Oh, geez. 33 00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:29,089 [laughs] What were you gonna say? 34 00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,049 Nothing. 35 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,572 It was nothing. 36 00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:37,271 Jess? 37 00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:38,663 Nick kissed me. 38 00:01:39,751 --> 00:01:42,841 Wha...?! 39 00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:45,192 ♪ Who's that girl? 40 00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:46,367 ♪ Who's that girl?♪ 41 00:01:46,410 --> 00:01:47,324 ♪ It's Jess. 42 00:01:49,457 --> 00:01:51,415 [whistles] 43 00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:54,331 [groans]: Oh, man. Okay. 44 00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:57,160 I had the best sex of my life last night. 45 00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:58,422 Winston, I'm glad you're here. We need to talk. 46 00:01:58,466 --> 00:01:59,510 Yeah. Daisy said I was pretty good. 47 00:01:59,554 --> 00:02:01,425 You hear that? Pretty good! 48 00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:02,513 This is important. 49 00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:04,385 And I didn't even use my hands. 50 00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:05,516 You didn't use your hands? 51 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:06,822 Well, just I did a lot of side stuff. 52 00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:07,953 Okay, Winston, you're killing me. 53 00:02:07,997 --> 00:02:09,477 I really need to talk to you, 54 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,218 and now after hearing that, I can barely look at you. 55 00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,176 Well, I got my mojo back, baby! 56 00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,352 I'm the Mojo Man! 57 00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:17,789 Mojo Man, Mojo Man. I like the sound of that. 58 00:02:17,833 --> 00:02:19,226 Yeah, we're not gonna be getting to my thing, are we? 59 00:02:19,269 --> 00:02:21,271 [whispers]: Mo-Mo-Mojo Man. 60 00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:22,185 I got to tell Sam. 61 00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:23,839 I can't tell Sam! 62 00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,188 I didn't even do anything wrong! 63 00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:26,276 Nick kissed me! 64 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,409 I didn't even kiss him back! 65 00:02:28,452 --> 00:02:30,106 Okay, fine! I kissed him back! 66 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,281 Is that what you want me to say? 67 00:02:31,325 --> 00:02:32,630 I literally haven't said a word 68 00:02:32,674 --> 00:02:34,415 for, like, over an hour.[groans] 69 00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:35,590 And now he won't even talk to me, 70 00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,113 'cause I saw him this morning 71 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,115 and he just panic moonwalked away from me. 72 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,203 He what?He does that sometimes. 73 00:02:41,378 --> 00:02:43,424 Man. Terrorism. 74 00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:48,385 And then... ha! 75 00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:50,344 Nick just... He just... 76 00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:51,258 Kisses you. 77 00:02:51,301 --> 00:02:52,607 Stupid Nick Miller. [grunts] 78 00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:53,608 How was it? Was it...? 79 00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:55,218 I was like Scarlett O'Hara 80 00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:57,220 in my freaking curtain dress... 81 00:02:57,264 --> 00:02:58,352 How did he do it? 82 00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:00,267 He just, like, grabbed me.Uh-huh. 83 00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:02,269 And he just took me.Oh, yeah. 84 00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:03,618 I mean, he was a man and I was a woman. 85 00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:06,447 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.It was firm, but tender. 86 00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:07,752 Oh, damn. Yeah, I mean, 87 00:03:07,796 --> 00:03:09,450 I saw thorough space and time for a minute, 88 00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:10,929 but that's not the point. 89 00:03:10,973 --> 00:03:12,366 Oh, man! 90 00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:13,367 Are you okay? 91 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:15,412 I miss sex! 92 00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:18,154 I've been on dates set up by my mother for the past month. 93 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,851 Mm.I mean, what are you gonna do? 94 00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:21,505 [groans]I mean, do you... 95 00:03:21,549 --> 00:03:22,506 like Nick? 96 00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:24,378 Ah! Bah! 97 00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:25,466 Mm-hmm. [laughs] 98 00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:27,250 Nah! Neh? 99 00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:28,686 [giggles]: Nick? 100 00:03:28,730 --> 00:03:29,731 [laughs] 101 00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:31,298 No. 102 00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:32,864 [chuckles] 103 00:03:32,908 --> 00:03:34,344 I don't like Nick. 104 00:03:34,388 --> 00:03:35,476 Mm-hmm.I like Sam, 'cause 105 00:03:35,519 --> 00:03:37,434 Sam's the kind of guy who fixes things 106 00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:38,696 that you didn't even know were broken. 107 00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,394 And Nick is the type of guy 108 00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:44,441 who breaks things... that are... 109 00:03:44,485 --> 00:03:45,442 He breaks things! 110 00:03:45,486 --> 00:03:47,488 Look at that.It's for my grandma. 111 00:03:47,531 --> 00:03:49,141 Wow, that's... oh, no. 112 00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:50,491 No, no, no, no, no, no.What are you-- Nick! 113 00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:52,449 No, let me just...Nick, Nick, what are you...? 114 00:03:52,493 --> 00:03:53,276 Okay, here, it's fine. No! 115 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,322 Nick, what are you...? 116 00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:58,368 I think those belong back on it. 117 00:03:58,412 --> 00:04:00,631 He is not getting in the way of me and Sam. 118 00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:02,459 He is not ruining this. 119 00:04:02,503 --> 00:04:04,069 Mm. So mad at him. 120 00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:05,462 I can't even be around him. 121 00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:06,420 Can I just spend the day with you? 122 00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:08,160 Oh. 123 00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:10,162 Well, um... 124 00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:14,341 Okay, I didn't tell you this before, actually, but, uh... 125 00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:15,385 SCHMIDT: Cece is going to 126 00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:17,213 an Indian marriage convention today 127 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,910 to find herself a brown husband. 128 00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:20,216 Now, little does she know 129 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,479 that I have signed up for the same convention. 130 00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:24,438 Gentlemen, there is nothing that says 131 00:04:24,481 --> 00:04:26,396 white men need not apply. 132 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,006 You look like the fortune teller in Big. 133 00:04:28,050 --> 00:04:29,356 Wait a second, is it in the loft? 134 00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:31,488 Yes, Nick. 135 00:04:31,532 --> 00:04:33,664 The West Coast's premiere Indian singles event, 136 00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:36,232 where 300 eligible Rajput Indians get together 137 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,408 to see if they should get arranged-married to each other, 138 00:04:38,452 --> 00:04:39,757 is in our loft. 139 00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:41,368 So if it's not, then I'm coming with. 140 00:04:41,411 --> 00:04:43,239 I'm in, Schmidty. You finally got company. 141 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,502 I'm coming. Let's do it.The Mojo Man is in, too. 142 00:04:45,546 --> 00:04:46,938 Mojo Man, Mojo Man. 143 00:04:46,982 --> 00:04:48,375 Okay, neither of you are coming. 144 00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:50,028 I've been studying up for a full week. 145 00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,508 I can actually speak conversational Hindi. 146 00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,728 If that conversation is: "Hello." "Hello." 147 00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,338 "Samosa?" "Yes, please, Samosa." 148 00:04:55,382 --> 00:04:57,122 "More towels?" "Do you know where 149 00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:58,341 the white person's toilet is?" 150 00:04:58,385 --> 00:04:59,690 After that, it gets very confusing. 151 00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:01,170 Can you drive in that dress? 152 00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:02,693 You're right, I can't. 153 00:05:02,737 --> 00:05:04,608 All right, you're driving. Let's go. Yeah! 154 00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:11,572 Hi, I'm-I'm checking in. 155 00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:13,008 My name's Cecilia Parikh. 156 00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:14,401 This is my best friend. 157 00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:16,141 She's just, she's just here to watch. 158 00:05:16,185 --> 00:05:17,360 All must participate. 159 00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:19,797 We've had a lot of trouble with watchers. 160 00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:24,411 You participate or you go home. 161 00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:28,502 All right, you know what? What the hell. 162 00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:30,460 You're going to have to fill out a questionnaire. 163 00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:32,201 Information, education, resume. 164 00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:33,245 [chuckles] 165 00:05:33,289 --> 00:05:34,421 Done. 166 00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:36,423 Thank you. 167 00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:41,253 [gasps] What the hell are you guys doing here? 168 00:05:41,297 --> 00:05:43,038 You look like a character from The Love Guru. 169 00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:44,431 Aw, thank you. 170 00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:45,649 Hello. 171 00:05:45,693 --> 00:05:46,737 I'd like to check in 172 00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:48,435 with my two friends here. 173 00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:50,045 Look, we are not Indian, but you cannot turn us away, 174 00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:52,613 because I read the Web site vigorously, kumari. 175 00:05:52,656 --> 00:05:53,831 Oh, God. That means "miss." 176 00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:55,485 My friend right there? 177 00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:57,487 Yeah, he's a vakeel. That means "lawyer." 178 00:05:57,531 --> 00:05:58,619 I dropped out of ka-heelschool. 179 00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:00,142 SCHMIDT: It's vakeel,man. 180 00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:02,492 What are you doing here? 181 00:06:02,536 --> 00:06:04,625 Oh, no. I just-- uh, yeah... 182 00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,583 Oh! 183 00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:08,237 Nick, you're embarrassing me. 184 00:06:09,673 --> 00:06:11,240 WINSTON: Nick, what are you doing? 185 00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:16,637 WINSTON: Nick, Nick, Nick. 186 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,073 N-N-N-Nick, what are you doing? 187 00:06:18,116 --> 00:06:19,814 Stop moonwalking, man.[groans] 188 00:06:19,857 --> 00:06:21,598 Man, you have been weird all morning. 189 00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:24,035 Hey, look, I kissed Jess. 190 00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:28,213 Say what you're gonna say. 191 00:06:28,257 --> 00:06:30,433 [groans]: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! 192 00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:32,479 Whoo! 193 00:06:32,522 --> 00:06:34,437 I thought that's what you were gonna say. 194 00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:35,482 I don't want a new roommate. 195 00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,440 Look, don't... She's not moving out. 196 00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:39,050 I'm not talking about her. Hell no, not her! 197 00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:40,487 I'm talking about you. 198 00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:41,662 When this thing blows up in your face-- 199 00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:43,141 and it will blow up in your face, Nick-- 200 00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:44,273 you're the one moving out. 201 00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:46,667 You think I like living with you? 202 00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:48,669 You have centipedes living under your bed! 203 00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:51,062 Those weren't centipedes.You've named your testicles, 204 00:06:51,106 --> 00:06:52,716 and they're both named Sharon. Yeah, so what? 205 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,675 I can't believe you kissed Jess! Man, what were you thinking? 206 00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:56,503 Look, man, I wasn't thinking anything. 207 00:06:58,156 --> 00:07:00,071 Nick, just apologize and make it right, all right? 208 00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:04,641 All right. That's what I'm gonna do. 209 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,602 [groans]: My Sharon! 210 00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:09,516 Get! Just...Get...? 211 00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:10,952 Get over here now. 212 00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:12,649 Wait. What? 213 00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:14,695 You told me you had moved on. 214 00:07:14,738 --> 00:07:17,349 Only people who haven't moved on say things like that. 215 00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:19,090 I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. 216 00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:21,571 Winter's coming. I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl. 217 00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,051 Please leave. 218 00:07:23,094 --> 00:07:26,358 You and I not being together does not make sense to me. 219 00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:28,578 I miss your body 220 00:07:28,622 --> 00:07:30,058 and the things I used to do to it. 221 00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:31,494 Schmidt.I'm talking about sex. 222 00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:35,542 Today is about me finding someone within my own culture 223 00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:37,718 that I can build my life with. 224 00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:39,676 It's about more than sex. 225 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:43,593 Our sex was about more than sex. 226 00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:45,508 It was about history and memory 227 00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:47,554 and thousands of years of colonial suffering 228 00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:50,731 all being released in one moment of pure ecstasy. 229 00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:53,560 Then why did the sex always end with you yelling, 230 00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:55,692 "Blammo, that happened"? 231 00:07:55,736 --> 00:07:57,520 Blammo. 232 00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,697 Thank you. 233 00:08:01,742 --> 00:08:02,960 Hey. 234 00:08:03,004 --> 00:08:04,440 Oh, you can walk normally now, I see. 235 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,224 I'm sorry I kissed you. 236 00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:08,009 Well, oh, wow. 237 00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:09,619 That was unexpected. 238 00:08:09,663 --> 00:08:11,012 Thanks, Nick. 239 00:08:11,055 --> 00:08:13,318 You're welcome. It was a mistake.I feel better. 240 00:08:13,362 --> 00:08:14,711 'Cause, yeah, I was feeling awkward. Yeah, good. 241 00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:15,756 [chuckles]: Right. 242 00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:17,714 You were acting a little bit weird, 243 00:08:17,758 --> 00:08:19,542 but honestly, for me, it was, like, a nothing kiss. 244 00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:21,631 You know, it was like kissing a cousin. 245 00:08:21,675 --> 00:08:22,763 It was so nonsexual and nothing. 246 00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:26,027 Well... I think it meant something. 247 00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:28,029 You know, to you, 'cause you kissed me. 248 00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:29,770 Mm-mm. 249 00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:32,729 I think you can admit it meant something to you, Nick. 250 00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,688 Oh, no, I-I'm telling you, it meant nothing to me. 251 00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:35,776 I think it did. No, no. 252 00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:37,560 I do things I don't mean all the time. 253 00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:39,214 Like this. You see this? Bottle of water. 254 00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:40,563 Why did I do that? I don't know. 255 00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:42,260 It doesn't mean anything. 256 00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:44,785 I think you can admit that it meant something to you. 257 00:08:44,828 --> 00:08:46,917 Hey, Jessica, it didn't. Hmm. 258 00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:49,616 It was a drinking game, and I was finishing the game. 259 00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:51,008 Yeah, but it happened after the game 260 00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:52,619 when it meant something. 261 00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:55,447 Oh, so it meant something to you? What? 262 00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:57,362 It meant something to you.No, don't... 263 00:08:57,406 --> 00:08:59,364 If you think some stupid, terrible kiss... 264 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:00,844 You're thinking about it right now! No! 265 00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:03,455 I'm calling Sam and...Oh, you're calling Sam right now? 266 00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:04,935 He's gonna come here and pick me up, 267 00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:06,720 and, uh, we're leaving.Oh, you are? 268 00:09:06,763 --> 00:09:09,636 Why are you running away? Because it meant something? 269 00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,812 We're not going anywhere. 270 00:09:11,855 --> 00:09:14,597 Meant nothing, Nick! 271 00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:16,686 HOST [over speaker]: Please look at the numbers on your name tags 272 00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:18,993 and go to the table with the corresponding numbers. 273 00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:20,690 These are your groupings. 274 00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,953 People with similar resumes and education backgrounds 275 00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,607 have been grouped together. 276 00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:27,610 34, 34, thir... 277 00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:28,611 Table 34! 278 00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:30,700 We're at the same table! 279 00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:32,615 So this is rock bottom.I mean, call me crazy, 280 00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:34,704 but I think we're all getting married tonight. 281 00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:36,837 Yeah, um...Nick: The money table right here, Table 34! 282 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:38,665 Hi, excuse me, I think that there's been 283 00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:40,754 just a little bit of a mistake with the tables. 284 00:09:40,797 --> 00:09:42,756 Over 30, no advanced degrees, 285 00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,671 part-time employment: Table 34. 286 00:09:44,714 --> 00:09:46,629 No, see, actually, I'm-I'm a professional model. 287 00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,413 I'm not famous or anything, 288 00:09:48,457 --> 00:09:50,677 but I was in Lil Wayne's last video. 289 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,723 I was the girl he was throwing strawberries at in slow motion. 290 00:09:54,768 --> 00:09:56,508 [chuckles] 291 00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:58,510 Definitely Table 34. 292 00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:01,644 [sighs] 293 00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,124 Excuse me? 294 00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,691 Uh, I didn't get assigned a table. 295 00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:06,823 Now, I know exactly what this is about... 296 00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:09,696 But I did assign you a seat. 297 00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:12,307 This one. Lap number one. 298 00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:15,658 Okay, so this is not a racial thing? 299 00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:16,790 Not yet, it isn't. 300 00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,661 Ah. 301 00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:20,228 I see what's happening here. 302 00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:22,012 You're feeling my mojo. 303 00:10:22,056 --> 00:10:25,712 You look like a jumpy cat, and I like that. 304 00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:28,671 Ooh, I like that. 305 00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:29,672 [gasps] 306 00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:32,066 Like oversized blueberries. 307 00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:33,067 [clicks tongue] 308 00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:34,155 [sighs] 309 00:10:34,198 --> 00:10:36,113 Mojo off. Mojo off. 310 00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:38,681 Schmidt, Table Seven, Table Seven. 311 00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:41,292 What are you doing? You're at Table Seven, too?Hmm? I'm at Table Seven. 312 00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:43,381 [sighs] What? 313 00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:45,862 Well, you should feel complimented. I feel slightly insulted. 314 00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:47,211 What? No offense. 315 00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:49,170 A lot of offense taken.Well, I'm just saying... 316 00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:50,693 A lot.Jess! 317 00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:51,825 Hi! Hi. 318 00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:53,696 How are you?Um, okay. 319 00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,742 Yeah, I checked in. Uh, they gave me my table. 320 00:10:55,785 --> 00:10:57,700 Okay.This is a weird date. 321 00:10:57,744 --> 00:10:59,876 I always thought we'd go bowling before we went 322 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,182 to an Indian marriage convention. 323 00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:02,879 What table are you at?Uh, Table One, I think. 324 00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:05,795 Table One?! It's almost like you save lives or something. 325 00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:07,144 Oh, wait, you do. 326 00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:10,887 Let's start the icebreakers. 327 00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:12,759 This exercise shows how physically compatible 328 00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:14,151 two people can be. 329 00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:28,775 Ow! My hand! 330 00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:29,776 What? 331 00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:31,342 Stupid man. 332 00:11:31,386 --> 00:11:32,909 Nice. 333 00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:34,606 Yeah. Ready? 334 00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:35,825 Three, two, ow. 335 00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:37,784 Ow! No, no. Let's... Up? 336 00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:39,786 No, you go down.All right. I go down? 337 00:11:39,829 --> 00:11:41,875 Kind of just got to get in a little closer. 338 00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:42,789 JESS: Okay, I'm trying. 339 00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:44,834 Seriously. 340 00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,666 Hey, dummy. 341 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,755 Stop pointing your finger at me. That's so annoying. 342 00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,626 Why are you drinking my beer? 343 00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:56,977 You point that finger at me one more time, I'm... 344 00:11:57,020 --> 00:11:58,805 Why don't you just admit that that kiss meant something to you? 345 00:11:58,848 --> 00:12:00,763 No, no!I could tell it meant something, so admit it 346 00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:01,851 or I'll do this all day. I'll do it all day. 347 00:12:01,895 --> 00:12:04,027 HOST: Next challenge: make a table 348 00:12:04,071 --> 00:12:07,161 out of nothing but newspaper and tape. 349 00:12:07,204 --> 00:12:09,772 Women look to your left, men to the right. 350 00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,121 These are your partners. 351 00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:12,819 Oh, you got to be kidding me. 352 00:12:12,862 --> 00:12:14,646 First table that can hold a phone book wins. 353 00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,257 All right, so we have to make a table. 354 00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:17,432 Okay. 355 00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:18,825 Give me the tape. No. 356 00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:23,786 I'll tell you what's not made out of newspaper, 357 00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:26,006 that tight little ass of yours. 358 00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:28,399 Jess, you liked kissing me! It's fine to say that. 359 00:12:28,443 --> 00:12:30,575 No, I didn't.I'm not on my knee asking you 360 00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:32,055 to marry me; it was a nice kiss. 361 00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:34,797 You were like a dog and my mouth 362 00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:36,843 was like a bowl full of dog... milk! 363 00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:38,627 It was like a damn fairy tale, that kiss! 364 00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:40,368 It was the best kiss of your life. 365 00:12:40,411 --> 00:12:41,848 Are you serious, Nick?And you have to take 366 00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:43,850 a little responsibility, tarting around in that 367 00:12:43,893 --> 00:12:46,853 little soft pink robe, not expecting to get kissed.Tarting around? 368 00:12:46,896 --> 00:12:49,029 I'm a man, Jessica! 369 00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:51,205 What?Pink robes are my catnip. 370 00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:52,989 And we have a winning couple! 371 00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:54,730 BOTH: We are not a couple! 372 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,037 We're not a couple.And this is a very bad table. 373 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,647 Terrible table.And stop clapping, everybody. 374 00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:00,649 This is awful.Look. It won't hold anything. 375 00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:02,825 Be prepared to laugh! 376 00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,696 No, I mean, this is, like... 377 00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:06,002 NICK: I got it, I got it. 378 00:13:06,046 --> 00:13:07,830 Here, put it down. Just-- okay. 379 00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:10,659 Very weak table. 380 00:13:10,702 --> 00:13:11,791 Break! 381 00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:15,882 It's a strong table. 382 00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:18,058 Strong table, strong couple. 383 00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:18,885 Come on. Jump up, yeah. 384 00:13:18,928 --> 00:13:20,625 Jump up! Jump up! Jump up! 385 00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:21,844 Whoa! Come on.Wow. 386 00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:23,759 Wow, yeah. It's real, man. Come on. 387 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,543 That's an impressive table! 388 00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:32,028 Congratulations on winning the table-building competition, baby. 389 00:13:32,072 --> 00:13:34,552 Yeah, it didn't mean anything, so... I didn't think it meant anything. 390 00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,076 Yeah, no, just-- Nick just drives me crazy. 391 00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:38,861 It's like-- you know?Yeah, I mean, I never... 392 00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:40,863 Well, yeah, that's just... That's what I was saying. 393 00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:42,082 Is there something I should know here? 394 00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:43,779 No. 'Cause...[bell dings] 395 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:44,780 HOST: Men, switch seats! 396 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:45,955 No. Sam, stop. 397 00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:47,914 'Cause... No, I want to talk to you. 398 00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:49,916 Sam, I...Do you like field hockey? 399 00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:52,135 I... Yeah. Yeah. 400 00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:56,879 Hi! Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie. Pass. 401 00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,794 So, when did you decide to become a model? 402 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,101 Oh. Didn't really think about it at all. 403 00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:03,059 Someone just said they'd pay me for being pretty, so... 404 00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:05,061 I like your hat.Shh. 405 00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:07,934 It's my favorite color.Shh... 406 00:14:07,977 --> 00:14:10,284 Cece: Why think when you can act? 407 00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:12,068 I didn't say anything.Shut up, shut up, shut up. 408 00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:14,114 So how many children do you want? 409 00:14:14,157 --> 00:14:17,378 Well, I have to start soon, so I guess I'll just jump right in. 410 00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:19,902 So, do you think through any of your decisions 411 00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,904 or do you always just do whatever you want? 412 00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,906 Hey! M. Night Shyamalan. 413 00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:25,908 I got a twist ending for you: shut up. 414 00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,128 What do you want, Table Seven?Schmidt, just talk to your girl. 415 00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:29,738 Hi!You better watch it, buddy. 416 00:14:29,781 --> 00:14:31,392 'Cause I will, I will Cal-cut-a-bitch up in here. 417 00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,916 I will Cal-cut-a-bitch.Schmidt! 418 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,613 Don't worry, Ben Affleck. I'm not desperate. 419 00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:36,919 I don't date below Table Six.[bell dings] 420 00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:39,095 HOST: Time's up. Switch places. 421 00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:40,880 Sam... 422 00:14:42,577 --> 00:14:44,013 That was not nice. He crossed the line. 423 00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:46,015 Schmidt, you said you would leave me alone. 424 00:14:46,059 --> 00:14:47,364 You said you would leave...He crossed a line. 425 00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:48,452 You said you would leave me alone. 426 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,022 [chuckles] 427 00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:55,068 Funny seeing you here. 428 00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:57,113 Hey. 429 00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:58,723 You have to go. 430 00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:00,377 Yeah, you have to go over there. 431 00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:02,118 Okay. Bye-bye. 432 00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:03,946 Go now. Hi. 433 00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:07,123 Um, Sam, I do have something to tell you. 434 00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:10,997 You know why we're at Table 34? 435 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:14,652 'Cause we're both bad at life, but we have model good looks. 436 00:15:14,696 --> 00:15:17,046 It's 'cause we don't think things through. 437 00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:19,657 You didn't think it through when you kissed Jess. 438 00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:23,183 She told me. It's like we just make these impulsive decisions, 439 00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:26,055 and all we end up doing is hurting other people. 440 00:15:28,101 --> 00:15:30,190 I can't believe this. 441 00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:30,973 No. No, Sam... 442 00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:34,585 Sam? Wait. 443 00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:35,630 Sam, wait. 444 00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:37,066 I'm really sorry. 445 00:15:37,110 --> 00:15:38,676 I said I wanted to commit to this. 446 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:39,982 I thought you understood what that meant. 447 00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:41,636 JESS: I do. I did. 448 00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,551 Hey, hey. Sam, listen. 449 00:15:43,594 --> 00:15:45,205 JESS: What?Sam, hear me out. 450 00:15:45,248 --> 00:15:46,641 I kissed her, okay? 451 00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:47,990 She didn't kiss me. 452 00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:50,340 It didn't mean anything to her. 453 00:15:50,384 --> 00:15:52,212 Thank you. 454 00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:52,995 [grunts] 455 00:15:53,039 --> 00:15:54,692 Oh, my God! 456 00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:57,217 [groans]I'm sorry, Nick. It's the training. 457 00:15:57,260 --> 00:15:58,696 He's in such terrible shape! You could've killed him. 458 00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,611 [high-pitched]: I'm gonna kick your ass, man. 459 00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:01,699 SAM: Jess, it may not have meant something 460 00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:03,092 to you, but it meant something to me. 461 00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:06,182 Is there another doctor in the house?! 462 00:16:06,226 --> 00:16:08,228 With this crowd, I'm sure. 463 00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:10,752 I'm done. So... 464 00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,494 Good-bye, Jess. 465 00:16:13,537 --> 00:16:15,539 No. Sam. 466 00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:20,022 Ice it, 24 hours. 467 00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:22,198 And keep it elevated. 468 00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:26,115 He even exits cool.Oh, God. 469 00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:31,164 Anu? I got something for you. 470 00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:33,035 Now, this is Freddy. 471 00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:35,255 As you can see, he has the exact 472 00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:37,083 same build as me, all right? 473 00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:40,086 And he is totally available. Ain't that right, Freddy? 474 00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:43,045 That is what I call an arranged bang. 475 00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:44,655 [makes explosion noise] 476 00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:48,268 Freddy, are you scared of being confined in small spaces? 477 00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:54,926 Oh, you'll do just fine. 478 00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:58,060 Now, just remember, wherever you are, 479 00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:00,236 the Mojo Man is there. 480 00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:09,071 [sighs] 481 00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:11,117 Damn it, Schmidt. 482 00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:15,860 I'm taking this. 483 00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:19,081 Excuse me. Excuse me! Hold up! 484 00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,170 You know, when I came here today, 485 00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:23,129 I thought India was a pretty cool country. 486 00:17:23,172 --> 00:17:24,869 You guys are obviously smart. 487 00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:27,263 You l-looked at the roof of a bus and you said, 488 00:17:27,307 --> 00:17:29,787 "That's not just a roof, that's more seating." 489 00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:33,095 Kal Penn, he's a genius. Thank you for him. 490 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,097 But what I didn't know 491 00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,708 is that you're a country full of blind idiots. 492 00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:38,927 Oh, God.Because in your midst 493 00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:41,321 walks a brown angel. 494 00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:43,410 That woman. Right there. 495 00:17:45,325 --> 00:17:46,543 I may be an idiot, 496 00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:49,155 but I'm smart enough to know what I lost. 497 00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:52,245 You people could've had it all. 498 00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:55,117 And you shoved her over there at a table with Nick. 499 00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,903 Get your crap together, India. 500 00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:00,905 Schmidt... 501 00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:02,951 out! 502 00:18:02,994 --> 00:18:04,996 [crowd murmuring] 503 00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:09,349 Hello. I didn't see you over here. 504 00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:11,307 I would love to... 505 00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:12,352 [men murmuring] 506 00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:13,918 MAN: Sorry I didn't see you earlier. 507 00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:15,224 SCHMIDT: Okay. They're all-- okay. 508 00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:17,139 You don't all have to run over there at once. 509 00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,836 I mean, she... she's not that great, you guys. 510 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,361 I mean, she's kind of old. 511 00:18:21,404 --> 00:18:23,319 You should see her areolas-- one's like a helicopter pad, 512 00:18:23,363 --> 00:18:25,147 the other one's like a, you know, like... 513 00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:26,714 like a tick bite. 514 00:18:26,757 --> 00:18:28,846 It's freaky. Very disorienting. 515 00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:30,326 ♪ It feels like a perfect night ♪ 516 00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:32,328 NICK: Is this making you feel better at all? 517 00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:35,288 ♪ At midnight, to fall in love with strangers ♪ 518 00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:38,334 ♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah 519 00:18:38,378 --> 00:18:41,337 ♪ Yeah, we're happy, free, confused ♪ 520 00:18:41,381 --> 00:18:43,339 ♪ And lonely at the same time 521 00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:46,299 I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone! 522 00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:49,215 ♪ Oh, yeah How's that? 523 00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:52,218 You know when you get dumped and you're, like, racking your brain 524 00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:54,394 for what was it that I did wrong? 525 00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:56,178 Well, this is a really unique situation 526 00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:59,399 in that I don't have to do that. 527 00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:01,401 Well, what happened?[music stops] 528 00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:04,360 I'm sorry. I know what-- I know that it's my fault. 529 00:19:04,404 --> 00:19:05,622 I didn't mean it like... 530 00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:08,451 [sighs] Jess, can I say something 531 00:19:08,495 --> 00:19:11,193 that'll potentially not help this situation?No. 532 00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:14,283 I've never been a home-wrecker. 533 00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:16,416 And I liked it. 534 00:19:16,459 --> 00:19:19,419 I mean, Sam was threatened by me. 535 00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:20,420 [chuckles] 536 00:19:20,463 --> 00:19:22,726 I mean, I see that as a victory. 537 00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:28,819 But in-in more important... 538 00:19:28,863 --> 00:19:33,215 uh, ways, a huge, huge, devastating loss. 539 00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:34,695 For you. 540 00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:37,263 Should I call Cece? 541 00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:38,394 This feels like Cece territory. 542 00:19:38,438 --> 00:19:39,613 This isn't Nick territory. 543 00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:40,831 This is, uh... 544 00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:45,445 Look, Jess... 545 00:19:47,316 --> 00:19:49,362 I'm sorry, okay, 546 00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:51,233 that I kissed you. 547 00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:52,365 But I shouldn't have done it, 548 00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,280 because it was obviously a mistake, 549 00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:56,238 and now you're crying and... 550 00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:58,893 I won't do it again. 551 00:19:58,936 --> 00:20:02,462 Well... [sniffles] 552 00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:06,727 maybe it was a little bit broken to begin with. 553 00:20:06,770 --> 00:20:08,511 What happened?He just... 554 00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:11,862 He always wanted to fist bump in the morning. 555 00:20:11,906 --> 00:20:15,257 And you didn't like that?I hated it. What are... what... 556 00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,303 I feel like you're forgiving me.No. 557 00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:19,696 I felt like before I said that you were though.Nope. Nope. 558 00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,133 Now you remembered you're still mad at me. No? Okay. 559 00:20:22,177 --> 00:20:24,092 All right, good night, Nick. Night.Okay, good night, Jess. 560 00:20:24,135 --> 00:20:25,180 Hey, Jess. 561 00:20:26,790 --> 00:20:27,748 Too soon? 562 00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,445 Yeah, too soon! 563 00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:32,274 Well, hey, good night. And I'm sorry about everything. 564 00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:33,449 Okay. 565 00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,328 Okay, yeah. [chuckles] 566 00:20:42,371 --> 00:20:43,459 That was...Yeah. That was... 567 00:20:43,503 --> 00:20:44,895 a little bit weird.So weird. 568 00:20:44,939 --> 00:20:46,114 Let's not ever do that again. 569 00:20:46,157 --> 00:20:47,724 Yeah. Do it again. Okay. 570 00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:49,770 Good night. Night, Miller! Good night. 571 00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:51,554 Good night, Sergeant. 572 00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:56,690 I'm glad everything's back to normal around here. 573 00:20:59,562 --> 00:21:02,173 Thank you for what you said up there. 574 00:21:02,217 --> 00:21:04,088 You know, I got a lot of phone numbers. Good. 575 00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:06,308 I think I'm gonna go on a lot of dates. 576 00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:08,310 I think that's a great thing. Good. Yeah. 577 00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:10,530 The plan hasn't changed; I am still marrying an Indian guy. 578 00:21:10,573 --> 00:21:12,488 No, yeah, that's fine. Okay? 579 00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:15,404 But you went home with a Jew in a turban, so I'm just saying. 580 00:21:15,448 --> 00:21:17,145 Just take this off. Come on. Let's go. 581 00:21:17,188 --> 00:21:18,407 [sighs] 582 00:21:18,451 --> 00:21:21,192 God, I have missed this. 583 00:21:21,236 --> 00:21:22,455 [moaning] 584 00:21:23,369 --> 00:21:24,935 Turban on? Turban off? 585 00:21:24,979 --> 00:21:27,024 I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but... 586 00:21:27,068 --> 00:21:28,591 turban on. 587 00:21:28,635 --> 00:21:30,637 Turban on it is. 588 00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:36,338 Taking that magic carpet ride. 589 00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:38,166 Yeah? No? Shut up! Whoo! 38972

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