Original subtitles

Hey, Joshie.

Listen, Fran, why don't we paint the den Navajo white

instead of pale adobe?

It costs a lot less.

Because adobe says, "Sit down, relax.

Make yourself comfortable."

Navajo says, "Colonoscopy, third floor."

You know, I have a major midterm

and I'm trying to study.

Well, why don't you study in your room?

I can't. The paint's still wet

and it gets all over everything.

You didn't touch the walls, did you?

No.

You know, maybe you're right about the adobe.

Now that I see it on Josh,

I don't love it.

But I do have something that I am gonna love.

What did you do?

Well, just a little something.

I never got you anything for our anniversary.

Hmm. A leather coat?

All I got you was flowers.

Uh‐uh. You got me beautiful gold earrings,

which I'll show you later.

Babe, I don't need this.

I already have a leather coat.

Well, so?

I've got a pair of shoes,

but I have 200 others to keep them company.

But I work on construction sites all day.

I'd only ruin something like this.

But I appreciate the thought.

I'll take it back.

I guess I could buy some more anniversary presents.

Oh, how you spoil me.

(doorbell rings)

Hi. Hey, Meryl.

Hi, cousin.

Franny, why aren't you dressed for the gym?

Meryl, I told you.

I'm not going back to that spin class.

Last time we were there, my spandex rode up

in places my gynecologist hasn't even been.

But we have to go.

New York Magazine says it's a great place to meet men.

Yeah, so is Attica.

And I'm sure the prison guards there are easier on you

than that tina the spin Nazi.

Studying.

That's okay, honey, you're not bothering us.

Anyway, I don't need to find a man.

My work is done.

(chuckles)

But you're my coach.

You know, she can take one look

and instantly point out all the rejects.

Married, gay, still lives with his mother.

Sorry, Josh.

It's okay, Meryl.

It's not like I'm gonna live here forever.

That's true. Some day, he and ma,

they're gonna find a nice little place of their own.

Don't worry, Allison,

you and your parole officer will always be welcome.

Well, I'm going to the gym anyway,

and if I pick out the wrong guy,

it's gonna be on your head.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, what are you gonna do later?

Do you wanna come back and watch a movie with me and Riley?

Nah. No one wants to be a third wheel.

It'd be different if you were dead

and Riley was all alone.

But...It'd be weird with you here.

Yeah. okay.

Love ya, cuz.

Bye, Riley.

Bye, Meryl.

I wish we could find someone for her to date.

Don't you have any guys you could hook her up with?

Honey, I'm an interior decorator.

All the guys I know date each other.

Don't you know someone?

Come on, Fran. All my friends are too young.

How about Danny?

Oh, well, that's not a bad call.

I mean, he's good‐looking, he's got a good job.

So what would be the downside?

Could it be his pregnant wife?

They're divorced.

She ran off with the Lamaze coach.

Oh, that's too bad for him,

but good for us.

I mean, if Meryl and him get along,

we'd have a couple that was just like us.

We could create them in our own image.

Come on, Fran, let's not get carried away.

Well, I'm just saying.

All of my friends call you a phase.

And all of your friends...

Well, what do they call me?

Mrs. Reeves.

We definitely need new friends.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Hi, Josh. Hey, Becca.

Why are you staring at me?

Your hair.

Usually dandruff's kind of gross, but...

Yours just looks like beautiful snowflakes.

Actually, it's‐‐ it's just paint chips.

Could I pick them out for you?

Allison, your friend's here!

Am I bothering you, Josh?

I mean, I know you have a lot of work to do,

so if you want me to be quiet, I'll be quiet.

My parents used to make me play the quiet game all the time,

so I'm really good at staying quiet.

Great.

Wanna know how I do it?

I hold my breath.

I don't like hold hold my breath,

'cause then I could like die,

but I just take tiny little breaths like this.

Becca, honey, you left your self‐respect in my room.

You wanna go get it?

Okay, okay. Fine.

Bye, Josh.

I am so sorry, but trying to keep her away from you

is like trying to keep a fly off‐‐

well, you know.

Yeah, well, you gotta try harder,

'cause she lookin' at me like mom looks at Riley,

or pound cake.

Why don't you do what mom's doing with cousin Meryl

and find her somebody.

I can't. She compares everybody do you.

The other day she said, "Shaquille O'Neal is a 7‐foot black Josh."

You know, I have a friend at work, Ben,

who has a younger brother.

I mean, he's not exactly me‐‐

Perfect.

Hey, if he is half the man you are,

well then, he'll be a quarter of a man.

So you set me up with a guy

whose wife left him for her Lamaze coach?

What's the matter? Couldn't find any serial killers?

It wasn't his fault.

Her lamaze coach was a woman.

Oh...

That's better.

Not only does he fail at relationships,

but he also turns women gay.

So, what'd you say about me?

You didn't tell him that I had kids, did you?

Yeah, but I told him that they weren't a priority.

Riley, all I can say is if this one goes gay,

I know it's me.

Hey, Josh. Remember me? Danny?

Yeah, yeah. The light bulb salesman.

No, not light bulbs, fixtures.

Whatever.

No, not whatever.

It's fixtures, bro.

Okay.

So, wanna go see the ladies?

What should I say to her?

Compliment her.

Say something like, "You can't be Meryl.

You must be her daughter."

You got to stay close, man.

I'm gonna need some more of these tips.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hey, ladies. Hi, Danny.

This is my cousin Meryl.

Oh, you can't be Meryl.

You got to be Meryl's sister.

Daughter, moron.

Yeah, I mean daughter.

It's all right. You were right the first time.

Actually, my sister's gorgeous.

Oh, really?

I'd like to meet her.

In addition to other family members.

Okay. Well, you know, before we fire up the grill

and have dinner,

why don't we have a little wine?

This way we can all say stupid stuff.

He's really cute. Yeah.

And he's got a nice laugh,

even with the wine coming out of his nose.

Oh, Meryl.

Remember the old days when we used to go out as couples?

Oh, yeah.

Well, this will be so much better.

Now, instead of our husbands,

we're gonna go home with guys we really want to sleep with.

Hee hee hee!

What about when we go out?

I mean, I got more money than he does.

Should I pay?

Oh, that's tricky,

'cause the dude likes to feel like the dude.

You know, when I want to go someplace like a restaurant or a hotel

that is out of Riley's price range,

I just tell him that I got a coupon.

A coupon? And he believed that?

Uh‐huh.

He believed that we got to eat for free

at Tavern on the Green...

Because the valet drove my car through the horse poop.

Which, you know, was a lot of bull poop.

(laughs)

You know, Meryl's kind of gorgeous for an older chick.

Whoa. Whoa.

Never say the word "older."

Or "old."

Or "menopause."

In fact, never use the words "men" or "pause" on the same day.

Got it.

And another thing,

don't let her pay for things, either.

If you're not pulling your weight,

you're not gonna feel good about yourself.

Worse, you'll begin to resent her.

Don't take gifts, either.

But I like gifts.

If you start taking stuff from her and things go bad,

you're gonna feel obligated.

Then you're gonna stick around out of guilt.

You take stuff from Fran, don't you?

Nothing expensive.

Like she gave me this great jacket the other day.

I had to turn it down, but it wasn't easy.

I mean, the leather was so sweet

a vegan would have eaten it.

What'd you tell her?

I told her I'd ruin it at the construction site.

Yeah, right.

She bought it.

Did you hear what he just said?

He loved the leather jacket I gave him.

He didn't take it because he was afraid he'd be obligated

when he wants to leave me.

And what's even worse

is he's putting bad ideas into my boyfriend's head.

Would you stop that?

He's not your boyfriend. You met him an hour ago.

Can we please get back to me?

I have to know what he's really thinking.

Well, why don't you just ask him?

Because he's obviously not straightforward and honest

about things like I am.

Well, let me tell you how Danny and I would work things out.

We would, uh‐‐

Would you shut up?

I don't want to be in a relationship

if he's not fully committed.

I have to know the truth.

Well, how you gonna get it?

Through lying and manipulation.

The 2 pillars of a strong relationship.

Are you sure about that?

Oh, trust me.

Riley doesn't know my real age, weight, or hair color.

God forbid I ever get kidnapped,

he'll have no way to describe me.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Josh. Thanks for setting this up for me, man.

Cory, no problem.

Hello. Hello, girls.

Becca, Allison, this is Cory.

'Sup?

'Sup. Hi, Josh.

Um, you left your book upstairs,

so I made a cover for you.

Were you in my room?

No.

Well, okay.

You kids have a great time.

And remember, stay out as late as you want.

I cannot believe you.

What?

Cory just told us he's a freshman.

And? And we're sophomores.

And?

Why didn't you say something?

I didn't know.

All you high school kids look alike to me.

Becca cannot be seen with a freshman.

What's the big deal?

Mom, will you tell Josh that it is social suicide

for a girl to be seen with a younger guy?

Oh, for God's sake.

Becca's gonna be lying about her age eventually.

Why don't you just tell her to start now?

So you going out?

Yeah, I'm meeting Riley for dinner.

Tell me something, Josh.

Do you think this is something that you would like?

Are you kidding? It's fantastic.

So you wouldn't be afraid to ruin it?

No, this watch is practically indestructible.

You wouldn't refuse it?

I'd have to be crazy.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

No, thank you.

Let's hope Riley feels the same.

Hey, Josh.

Hey, cory. I thought you were hanging out with the girls.

Yeah, they're in the car with that Todd dude.

They wanted me to come in and ask you

if you had a map to the mall.

Oh, a map to the‐‐ no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, wait!

Come back!

(tires screeching)

(sighs)

I'm sorry, Cory.

I guess they kind of ditched you.

Of course they did.

I'm a freshman.

Did this ever happen to you in high school?

Worse.

I was a senior...

And it was my car.

(laughter)

Go for it.

I haven't had fondue in like forever.

Great pick, Fran.

Yeah, the reviews are really good.

I wanted to try it.

That is like the fourth piece of bread

I've lost in this pot.

This is like the Bermuda Triangle of cheese.

Meryl, you look really beautiful tonight.

Thank you, Danny.

It must be the amber glow

of this 643 dash "K" antique brass fixture.

You are so hot.

Oh, this is so nice,

all of us together.

Hey, I know.

Let's celebrate.

What's this?

Well, it's your anniversary present.

I returned the jacket and I got this instead.

Wow. This is great.

Thanks, Fran.

Can I just pour this stuff on my bread?

Why don't you put the watch on?

No,

I don't wanna mess it up.

(chuckles)

You can't mess it up.

It's waterproof, shockproof, scratchproof.

It's perfect for a construction site.

And I know that you need a watch

because you lost your old one.

So, let's see you get out of this.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about‐‐ put on the damn watch.

I'm not putting the watch on, Fran.

Well, why not?

Are you afraid if you accept a generous gift of mine,

then you might feel too guilty

when you really want to bolt?

Don't look at me.

I didn't say anything about that.

Or the menopause.

(both gasp)

So you were eavesdropping on me and Danny?

Meryl was, too.

Franny!

I absolve you of any obligation to me.

The day you're not happy living with me,

you can leave.

I never want you to go through the hell

that I went through trying to leave my marriage.

Fran, I don't want to leave.

Well, then, fine.

So, as long as we're together,

why can't you enjoy the gifts that I give you?

Especially since you know how important it is to me.

Fran, I shouldn't have to take this to prove that I love you.

But I will.

Oh, Riley.

So, um, how do we do this?

Oh, don't worry about it, Danny.

Fran's got a coupon.

A coupon?

Where'd you get a coupon for this place?

I never one and I'm the coupon king.

I clip them everywhere,

The Times, The Post, The Pennysaver.

I got this one from the booklet from the dry cleaner.

Oh, really?

I didn't see it in there.

It was last month's.

Oh, okay.

Oh, come on. There is no coupon.

Fran just makes this stuff up

so she can pay for Riley.

What?

Oh, I could put this right through your heart

if you weren't wearing my top.

Allison.

Looks like you made it home from the mall without your map.

Perhaps you have something you'd like to say to Cory.

Uh, listen, ditching you was Todd's idea.

And?

And it wasn't my idea.

And you are...?

The sister of a jackass.

No. You are...

(sighs) Sorry.

It's okay. Josh is keeping me company

till my brother picks me up anyway.

And he kind of made me feel pretty good

when he said the same thing happened to him

when he was a senior.

Did he also tell you that it was his prom,

and that his date took his car

and left him at Quickie Mart?

Thank you, Allison.

What? I am making him feel better.

Well, it's not as bad as it sounds,

because my date was actually my cousin Leah.

Yeah.

My god it's a long walk to the kitchen.

Hey, guys. How was dinner?

Josh,

maybe you can tell Riley

that I was not trying to make him feel like less of a man,

I was trying to make him feel like more of a man.

Riley, mom wants to break up.

And would you tell your mother

that I don't need help feeling like a man at all?

I was one before I met her.

Mom, Riley agrees it's over.

I'm gonna give you guys some privacy,

so you can say your good‐byes.

Riley, it was nice knowing you.

Leave the watch on your way out.

How long have you been tricking me with these coupons, Fran?

Well, I don't know.

How long have we been dating?

Oh, come on, Riley.

Just think about it.

What if the situation was reversed?

What if you were the wealthy older man,

and I was the younger woman?

You would be so thrilled to take me to places that I couldn't afford

because it would give you pleasure.

Well, it's the same exact thing here.

Only in our situation, I'm the older...Man.

That's not the way the world works, Pops.

We don't work in the world.

We can't follow the rules of the world.

We have to make our own rules.

All right.

I'll make one right now.

From this point on, no more coupons.

I want to pay my fair share.

Oh, honey, but...

You know, I've been to the Jersey Shore,

and I'm at a place in my life

where I could afford a 5‐star hotel in the Caribbean, and...

Well, we can compromise though.

I could stay in a 4‐star hotel.

And then we can eat in a 5‐star hotel.

All right.

I can see one of us is gonna have to make a sacrifice here.

Because I love you, I'll keep the watch

and I'll stay in a 4‐star hotel.

But you owe me.

Mmm. Maybe I should start paying you back right now.

My god.

I was gone 2 minutes.

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute