Original subtitles

Ooh, breakfast smells good. What's cooking?

Oh, I've got waffles in the toaster

and hash browns in the microwave

and a sweater in the oven.

Just once I'd like my sweater on the table when I come downstairs.

You know that cashmere has to dry flat.

Ooh, don't use the George Foreman until my bra is done.

You know, sweetie, I was just looking at this brochure

of the housing development that you're working on.

It really looks great.

Yeah. 200 identical yet authentic Italian villas.

Well, it'd look a little more Italian

if they just airbrushed out that Denny's sign.

Todd, relax. You can stop worrying.

Yeah, it was a little late, but then it came this morning.

Say what?

He sent me an e‐mail.

Allison, maybe you should tell Todd that you'll talk to him later?

Really. You talked to him all night. You sent him an e‐mail.

You're gonna see him in 15 minutes.

Conjoined twins have less to talk about.

Talk to you later.

You guys are gonna have to get used to Todd being my boyfriend.

And by the way, he's coming over to study after school.

Not today. Nobody's gonna be home.

Riley, I've studied alone with boys before.

Yeah, but when you did that before,

you were actually in the same grade,

so the idea of studying wasn't just a total load of ca‐ca.

Good morning, everyone!

And what a beautiful morning it is.

Mmm. Is that sweater I smell?

Well, I guess somebody had a great date last night.

Ah, well, let's just say I was on... Fire!

You got pepper‐sprayed again?

Ha ha!

Hey, Josh, big night, huh, buddy?

Way to go, bro.

I'm so happy you found someone that you care about.

So, where'd you meet this girl? Who is she? What does she do?

I wanna know everything about her.

Joshie! Oh, hi!

Or I could just ask her.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

This is Taylor. We take the same business class.

Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Taylor.

Um, can I get you something to eat or drink or...wear?

Sorry. I should go up and change.

It was really nice to meet you all.

Joshie, keep me company?

Well, you heard the lady. (chuckles)

If nobody hears from me for 2 days,

those will be the best 2 days of my life.

Well, Taylor seemed nice.

Yeah, and now she has the answer to the question,

"What's the stupidest thing you ever did when you were drunk?"

Have a good time at school, sweetie.

Riley, I don't think I like this whole thing

with Josh and having girls sleep over at our house.

Well, you knew it would happen eventually.

I just don't wanna give Allison any ideas.

I mean, the last thing we need

is to have Todd come trotting down the stairs.

You can't trot with broken kneecaps.

True.

Don't worry. Allison's got a good head on her shoulders.

Yeah, well, when I was her age, I had a good head on my shoulders, too,

when my dress wasn't up over it.

What?

Babe, I swear, I've never felt this way about anyone before.

And, you know, next week's my birthday...

Oh, look, the Black Eyed Peas are coming up.

I just love them.

I think that Fergie is so much hotter than the one in England.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry. Have I been disturbing you guys?

Oh, h‐hey, Mrs. Reeves.

You know, I was just helping Allison look for her contact lens.

Oh. Did she swallow it?

Mother.

Oh, Todd, why don't you stay for dinner? We can order some pizza.

Riley would just love to see you.

He'll be home any minute from his anger management class.

Um, you know, that sounds great,

but I‐‐I have to go to...another place right now.

Well, another time, then.

Thanks a lot, Mom. It's not like we were even doing anything.

Of course. You were studying...

For what apparently is an oral exam.

Well, why is josh allowed to have a girl in the house, and I can't have Todd?

Duh. Your brother is an adult. You are a teenager.

Ok, well, fine. I will just see Todd later,

because we're going to a party at Becca's.

Uh‐uh. No. You ain't goin',

'cause I happen to know that Becca's parents

are in vacation in St. Barths,

'cause I ran into her mother trying on a bathing suit

that I wouldn't be caught dead in.

Well, we are not having sex, if that's what you think.

Yeah, well, remember to use those exact words on Todd's birthday.

Hi!

Hi.

What is this, a freakin' chicken ranch?

Hello again.

Hi. Is Josh home?

Yeah. Joshie, it's your mom.

He needs a second. He doesn't have any clothes on.

Oh, right.

Yeah, he was that way when I first met him, too.

Hey, Mom. What's up?

Nothing. Nothing at all. Um, close the door.

Close the door with you on this side of it!

Yes, Mother?

Joshie, from what I've seen,

this Taylor seems like a lovely young woman,

and I've seen most of her...

But I just think that you are setting

a bad example for your sister.

What?

She has a boyfriend now.

I just caught them making out downstairs on the couch,

and I don't think that we need to encourage her to go any further.

Encourage? I thought we'd have to pay someone.

You know what I mean.

Well, what about you and Riley? You don't think she knows what's going on in your room?

If anybody's setting a bad example, it's you.

Oh, that is ridiculous.

We are in a committed relationship.

Oh, hey, as long as Taylor keeps committing the things she's committing,

I'm committed.

Well, fine. Outside of this house,

you two can commit your brains out!

You know what? You're a hypocrite.

Oh, come on, I had one pork chop on Yom Kippur,

and you don't have to‐‐

You know what I mean, Mom!

And if you have a problem with Taylor and me staying here,

then we'll just stay at her Mom's house.

Well, fine!

Now I know why your father said

that he'll give me the Puerto Rico time‐share

only if I keep the kids!

(moans)

Fran, stop shaking the bed.

Can't you see I'm pretending to be asleep?

Riley, am I a hypocrite?

Fran, it was one pork chop 2 years ago.

Not that. I'm talking about what Josh said,

about me being a bad example.

I mean, I never wanted to corrupt the morals of a young person,

other than you.

He was just standing up to you to impress Taylor.

Guys will say anything to get with a girl.

You mean like when you told me you only had air‐conditioning in your bedroom?

It was the truth.

It was December.

Oh, but what about Allison?

I mean, is she taking her cues from us?

Or even worse, me?

I mean, I don't want her doing the same things that I did when I was 16...

Or even an hour ago.

Allison. Allison, honey?

(gasps)

Allison! What are you doing halfway out the window?!

Uh, smoking? I know it's wrong, Mommy.

I'll never do it again. I love you so much.

(gasps)

Todd! Todd, I swear, if I get my hands‐‐aah!

Mom?

FRAN: Ow.

Allison, I just have one question.

(whining) Why?!

Because you wouldn't let me go to the party.

Allison, you weren't allowed to go to the party?

That's why you were climbing out the window.

Oh, I'm sorry, Todd.

Did we forget to tell you we're not morons?

Message received, R‐Dog.

Sweetie, you know, I'm very happy for you that you have a boyfriend,

and I know that it's a very exciting time...

But, you know, I don't wanna have to say that you can't see him.

Yeah, we want you to be smart enough to figure that out on your own.

You used to be cool, Riley.

Mom, I'm not a baby anymore.

You know, maybe if you treated me like an adult,

I would act like one.

Uh, yeah, well,

it's the adult acts that I'm trying to prevent.

Mmm, sweetie, I think you're moving way too fast with this boy.

I know 'cause I went down that path,

and I just can't see you making the same mistakes as I did.

Ok, I get it.

So you understand

why you can't be alone in the house with him, don't you?

Yes, I do.

Oh, sweetie, I love you so much.

I am so sorry I made you upset.

And I'm sorry I squished your boyfriend.

That was beautiful. I mean, you really got through to her.

What, are you kidding me? She didn't hear a word I said.

The whole time I was talking, she's going, "blah, blah, blah.

When's she gonna shut up so I can go call Todd?"

If that's the case, what's our next move?

Well, here's what I think.

We should leave her alone

and then when Todd comes over,

and you know he will, we'll bust 'em.

Mmm.

For a beautiful goddess, you are an evil genius.

I know.

And believe me, when we catch her in the act,

she'll think twice before she pulls something like this ever again.

And from that point forward, she will be in complete awe and dread of her mother...

Just as God intended.

Why is there a brochure for Denny's?

It's not for Denny's. It's for the Italian villas I'm working on.

Although they are both open all the time.

Well, they all look alike.

Who would pay to have the exact same thing as everyone else?

Oh, probably the same person that would get a nose ring

exactly like 15 of her girlfriends

to express her individuality.

So, Allison, your mother and I

are going into town to see Fiddler.

Again? Rosie O'Donnell plays Golda.

What are you up to tonight?

I don't know. I'll probably just hang around.

Have a good time.

Cool.

Bye, sweetie.

This is almost too easy.

Oh, Riley, would you look who just walked in?

You know, I used to have a son that looked like you.

Mom, I've only been gone a day and a half.

You didn't call the police again like last time, did you?

No.

I tried, but apparently I'm on some kind of a list.

Where did you get that sweater?

Oh, Taylor's mom got it for me.

She said my other one smelled like easy‐off.

Can I get you something to eat?

No, I just came by to get some clothes.

I'm having dinner at Taylor's house tonight.

Her mom made pies. Plural.

Riley, did you hear that? He's seeing other mothers.

Just give it a couple days, and I'm sure he'll‐‐

I don't have a couple of days. Didn't you hear?

He's getting home‐cooked food and sex.

That's two things he knows he can't get here!

Well, I'll cook for him, but that's where I draw the line.

Don't worry, Mrs. Urbanski. I packed warm clothes.

Yes, I remember the security code.

Ok, see you soon.

You, too.

Riley!

All he needs is a little fear of commitment.

So, sounds like you got a good thing going on there, bro.

Yeah, you know it, bro.

You're getting in good with the family, tod. Smart.

Yeah, you should've thought of that.

(chuckles)

You guys go shopping together yet? That's always fun.

Uh, actually, we're going to Bloomingdale's later tonight.

Ah, Bloomie's, the couples store.

When your mom I started living together, we spent a lot of time at Bloomie's

looking for pillowcases and sheets.

Yep. That's when you know you're in for keeps.

No. We're just‐‐ we're just going to look at shoes.

Shoes, right. Hey, Fran,

remember when you told me that we were looking for shoes?

Oh, yeah, right. Shoes.

(both laugh)

What‐‐what do you mean?

Oh, nothing.

If you need to borrow my truck to move anything, let me know.

Ok.

Bye.

Bye, honey.

What did we just do here?

We planted a seed.

You see, he's still thinking with his little brain.

Oh, I get it. But when the blood starts to rush up north...

He'll start thinking about the living hell that a relationship can be.

When you're not with somebody you love.

Did you just get prettier?

No, but you just got smarter.

(ding)

Listen, we better figure out what we're gonna do,

where we're gonna go, 'cause pretty soon‐‐ooh‐‐

we're gonna have to come back and trap Allison.

Why don't we go check out the model homes?

Maybe you could give me some decorating advice.

Ok, but, you know, I usually get paid for that kind of work.

(sighs) (sighs)

Well, that one was on the house.

Oh, this place is great.

No Josh calling me a hypocrite.

No Allison giving me 'tude.

No Todd giving us...Todd. Yeah.

Can we live here?

I don't know. Won't the buyers have a problem with that?

No, not if we change the brochure.

"Master suite boasts spacious closet, jacuzzi tub,

and a sexy, sweaty couple."

Well, we should be getting home to spring the trap.

(door closes) (gasps)

someone's here! It must be the developer.

How am I gonna explain this?

Just tell them that, uh, I'm a buyer, and you're a salesman.

Yeah, good, we played that one at home.

(gasps)

Allison?

Aah! Mom!

What are you doing here?!

What are we doing here? I'll tell you, young lady.

We're waiting for you.

I can't believe I fell for this. You set me up.

That's why you left out that brochure.

Exactly.

Mom, I know what you're gonna say.

If I don't slow down, I'm gonna ruin my life.

No. Actually,

I was going to say you're going to ruin my life.

Do you think that I like spending all my time following after you,

keeping tabs on you?

You think I enjoyed spending the night

in this model home waiting for you?

You think I got any pleasure out of it?

Todd, sit down.

What are you gonna do, Mom?

What are you gonna do, Riley?

Sit.

I'm just gonna have a little chat with your boyfriend here.

Oh, my God.

Now, you see what happened tonight, Todd?

I was way ahead of you.

Don't even ask how,

because my powers are far beyond your comprehension.

Now, my daughter is like a delicate flower

who is not ready to be plucked.

Oh, my God, no!

Yes!

I am the mother. I can do whatever I want,

like, for example, I might get a little yen to show Todd

your American Idol audition tape, Britney Spearstein.

Mommy!

You swore that after nana you wouldn't tell anybody else.

Oops, I did it again.

Ok, you win. I will do everything you say.

Just please stop.

If you stop.

Todd? Have we made ourselves clear?

I know the drill, R‐Dog. I'm out of here.

Allison, I'll see you at...

School. School.

Can I just say good‐bye to him?

I'll never stop you from saying good‐bye.

And just remember, the only way that we're ever going to have a good relationship

is if you're totally and completely honest with me...

While I lie my ass off.

Oh, good, Chinese.

What, no dinner at Taylor's House of Pies?

That's over. We broke up.

Really? What happened?

(sighs) We were at Bloomie's

and she said, "That's the kind of duvet cover we should have."

"We." Do you believe that? "We"!

Ten seconds later, I was pulling out of that parking lot at 60 miles an hour,

trying to get as far away from that psycho as I could.

Remind me later, I gotta return her car.

So that's it? It's over?

Gee, I hope that me and Riley didn't set a bad example.

Okay, Okay.

There is a difference between you guys and what I had with Taylor.

I mean, you guys hang in there even when people judge you

and smirk behind your back and point at you like you're circus freaks and‐‐

All right.

We get it. Not everyone's a fan.

Anyway, I shouldn't have called you a hypocrite.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

You know what, I better go.

Already? You just got here.

I gotta go back to Taylor's house and break up with her mom.

It's just not something you do over the phone.

Mmm.

You know what? We work pretty well together.

I know. Between my lying and your manipulating,

we make great parents.

(laughs)

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute