Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,236 --> 00:00:06,372
Yentl, FiddlerOn the Roof?
2
00:00:06,372 --> 00:00:08,509
Honey, this may come
as a surprise to you,
3
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,512
but I've already
seen these.
4
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,447
It's kind of like
your family renting
5
00:00:14,447 --> 00:00:16,783
Uh... Hoosiers.
6
00:00:16,783 --> 00:00:18,652
I love that movie.
7
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,120
Fran, I'm meeting
your family
8
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:21,487
for the first time
at this bar mitzvah.
9
00:00:21,487 --> 00:00:22,756
I want to make
a good impression.
10
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:25,258
I'm the one that should
be nervous, Riley.
11
00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:28,328
They still think
that I was nuts
for leaving Ted.
12
00:00:28,328 --> 00:00:30,196
But he cheated on you.
13
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,298
Yeah, well,
I spared them those details
14
00:00:32,298 --> 00:00:33,600
for Josh and Allison's sake.
15
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,103
All the family knows
is that he's a rich,
handsome Jewish doctor.
16
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:39,673
I mean, to my relatives,
that is not somebody
you divorce.
17
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:44,377
That's somebody
you burst an appendix
to meet.
18
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:47,480
Mom.
What?
19
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:50,551
No pets allowed
in the store. She
shouldn't be here.
20
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,385
What is a pet, Josh?
21
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:56,590
I mean, she lives
in my house. I feed her.
I pay for her haircuts.
22
00:00:56,590 --> 00:01:00,393
By definition,
you shouldn't be here.
23
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:04,497
Can I ring those up
for you...
24
00:01:04,497 --> 00:01:05,599
Rabbi?
25
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,400
I'm doing a little prep
for the bar mitzvah, Josh.
26
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,535
I don't want everyone
judging your mom
27
00:01:08,535 --> 00:01:10,604
because she's showing up
with a guy who's not Jewish.
28
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:13,239
Oh, yeah. That'll be
the first thing
people say
29
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:14,808
when they see
you two together.
30
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:17,811
The kid with Fran
isn't Jewish.
31
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,448
Josh?
32
00:01:22,448 --> 00:01:23,850
Hey!
33
00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:25,218
Barry! Hi!
34
00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:28,488
Wow! It's so weird
to see you in a suit.
35
00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:30,190
Yeah, well,
on Wall Street,
36
00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:32,125
if you want to make
6 figures,
37
00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:34,427
you gotta wear
a suit, so...
I caved.
38
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:37,497
How 'bout you?
How's med school?
39
00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:38,565
Ah, that wasn't for me.
40
00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:41,835
Just because
my dad's a doctor,
I gotta be a doctor?
41
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,737
What's that about?
42
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,606
So...What are you
doin' now?
43
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:48,341
What am I doing now?
44
00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:49,810
What am I not
doing now, you know?
45
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:54,247
I mean, between this
and that and things
on the back burner, irons‐‐
46
00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:55,616
Hey, Josh. You dropped
your name tag.
47
00:01:55,616 --> 00:02:01,121
How's this nice fella
gonna know that
you're the assistant manager?
48
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,457
Someone could tell him.
49
00:02:05,592 --> 00:02:06,893
Mrs. Reeves?
50
00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:08,562
Barry?
51
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:09,563
Barry Regal?
52
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:13,166
Oh, my God!
I haven't seen you
since prom night
53
00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:13,900
when you threw up
in the backseat
54
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:17,771
of my ex‐husband's
convertible.
55
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:21,474
You know,
I never thanked you
for that.
56
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:24,244
Oh, Joshie,
I'm cooking your
favorite tonight‐‐
57
00:02:24,244 --> 00:02:27,514
Chinese take‐out.
So after work,
come straight home.
58
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:29,950
Josh, you live
with your mom?
59
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:32,886
Only until I...
You know...
60
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:35,188
Move.
61
00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:39,292
Could you embarrass me
any more?
62
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:42,696
Oh, Barry, this is
Riley, my boyfriend.
63
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,265
That wasn't
a challenge.
64
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,769
♪ And I ♪
65
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:51,271
♪ Feel beautiful
right now ♪
66
00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:53,807
♪ For the first time
in a long time ♪
67
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:56,710
♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪
68
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,879
♪ And life ♪
69
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,981
♪ Gets better every day ♪
70
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,650
♪ Though it seems
so complicated ♪
71
00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:06,319
♪ We're gonna work it out ♪
72
00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:09,189
♪ Whatever comes our way ♪
73
00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:21,301
Aw, you're watching
Joshie's bar mitzvah
video!
74
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:24,705
Yeah, I think so,
but where's Josh?
I just see the podium.
75
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:28,642
Wait. The rabbi's
getting the stepstool.
76
00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:32,579
There's my little man!
77
00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:33,914
Gimme, gimme.
78
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:37,217
I wanna fast‐forward
to the buffet.
79
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:38,885
Oh! Look at that.
80
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:42,322
That's what it looked like
right before the doors opened.
81
00:03:42,322 --> 00:03:46,927
Two minutes later,
it was like a Jewish mosh pit.
82
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:49,796
Wow! That shrimp
really looks good.
83
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:53,700
Yeah. He'll be wearing
the same suit
this weekend.
84
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,436
Oh! Look!
85
00:03:56,436 --> 00:03:57,638
My bar mitzvah
video.
86
00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:01,508
It's so weird to see
you and Dad standing
next to each other
87
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:02,709
and smiling and happy.
88
00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:06,446
Ah, there we go.
The traditional hurling
of the Sterno can.
89
00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:11,017
I was a little drunk.
Had I been sober,
I would have hit him.
90
00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:12,953
You know, mom,
do me a favor.
91
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:16,356
At kenny's bar mitzvah,
don't tell anybody that
I work at a video store.
92
00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:18,825
You know, Josh,
I'm not doing
so great, either.
93
00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:20,927
The only houses
that I get to decorate
94
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,463
are the ones from
my divorced girlfriends,
95
00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:25,766
and I've run out
of them.
96
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,301
Although,
I did see my friend
Andrea Wilkins
97
00:04:28,301 --> 00:04:32,005
slap her husband
in the parking lot
at Costco.
98
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:36,643
But...I don't want
to get my hopes up.
99
00:04:36,643 --> 00:04:39,580
Josh, you shouldn't
be embarrassed
about what you do.
100
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:44,585
He's right.
You should be embarrassed
about who you are.
101
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:50,557
Good one, Allison.
You can tell that joke
to your imaginary boyfriend.
102
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:53,794
Oh, that's right.
He dumped you.
103
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,195
Cut it out, you two.
Stop fighting.
104
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:59,933
I'm trying to watch you
when you were still
a‐dor‐a‐ble!
105
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:05,038
Allison, you were adorable.
Look at you singing
your little heart out.
106
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:08,441
That's not me.
It's my cousin Brianna.
107
00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:09,876
Everyone
gets us mixed up.
108
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:11,344
And then their faces drop
the moment they realize
109
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:15,882
I'm not the one who starred
in the far Rockaway
dinner theater production
110
00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:18,752
of the Miracle Worker!
111
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:23,056
Like I couldn't mumble
and trip over things.
112
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,625
Dad gonna be
at the bar mitzvah?
113
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:27,761
Yes.
Then I'm not going.
114
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,096
If I want to know
what a loser Dad
thinks I am,
115
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:32,032
I can read my birthday
card again.
116
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,735
Oh, sweetie,
you have nothing
to be ashamed of.
117
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:37,638
And if you don't come,
people are just
gonna talk,
118
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:40,574
and you know how gossipy
our family can be...
119
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:43,577
Like Aunt Evelyn,
who I hear
120
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,812
has a daughter
who's become
a pole dancer
121
00:05:45,812 --> 00:05:52,452
and is living with a guy
who may or may not have
a prosthetic foot.
122
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:58,124
But you didn't hear it
from me.
123
00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:03,697
("In Da Club" plays)
124
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:06,166
♪ We got a plan
on your bar mitzvah ♪
125
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:08,769
♪ You become a man
on your bar mitzvah ♪
126
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:10,103
♪ Holla back ♪
127
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,605
GUESTS: ♪ It's your
bar mitzvah ♪
128
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:12,839
Whose bar mitzvah?
129
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:14,608
GUESTS: Kenny Goldstein!
130
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:16,643
(cheering)
131
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,852
Where ya going,
Tarzan?
132
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:27,854
I gotta sit down,
Aunt Riva.
133
00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:30,591
I'm schvitzing here!
134
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:34,160
Well, it looks like
you're a hit!
135
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,130
How could I miss?
Look who I'm here with.
136
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,164
Aw...
137
00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:42,202
Riley, would you mind
dancing with my little Lisa?
138
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,837
She's too shy to ask.
139
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:45,906
Well, sure.
It'll be my‐‐
140
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,741
Whoa!
141
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,142
Oh, my God, Meryl.
142
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:52,012
Your little Lisa's
really comin'
outta her shell.
143
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:56,182
And her top.
A little less with
with the bouncing, Lisa!
144
00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:58,585
So, what's everybody
saying?
145
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:02,022
Well, word is that
Cousin Gracie's date's
got a fake foot,
146
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:05,058
but you didn't hear it
from me.
147
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:07,060
No, I mean about
me and Riley.
148
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:10,597
Well, they're sayin'
that if you let
this one get away, too,
149
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,133
you deserve to die
alone.
150
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,135
Oh! That is so sweet!
151
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:18,939
You know, these kids
are growing
so damn fast.
152
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,173
Would you look
at my Lisa?
153
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:22,208
Can you believe
the dress
she picked out?
154
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:24,911
I love the little
pink buttons.
155
00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:26,112
Those aren't buttons.
156
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:29,182
Would you pull it up,
Lisa?!
157
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:33,486
Brianna!
158
00:07:33,486 --> 00:07:34,955
No, I'm Allison.
159
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:38,158
Ech. You're right.
160
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:45,265
Oh, Riley, I want you
to meet my little
Cousin Brianna.
161
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:47,167
She's the one
with the pretty voice.
162
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:50,103
(nasal voice like
Fran) Hiiii!
163
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,639
Wow. She could be
your daughter.
164
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:53,974
Everyone says that.
165
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,076
Could be the hair.
Maybe it's the hair.
166
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,078
(nasal laugh)
167
00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:00,213
Yeah! Definitely the hair!
168
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:03,283
FRAN AND BRIANNA:
Hi, Allison!
169
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,086
Hey, Brianna!
How's it going?
170
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,655
You know, "Brianna,
how's the career?
171
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,524
Brianna,
where are you
performing next?"
172
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:14,294
I just wish
I could stay out of
the spotlight
173
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,261
for one second!
174
00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:17,798
DJ: Is brizizle
in the hizzle?
175
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:20,066
Hold my purse.
176
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:26,006
Quick, before some
yenta grabs you.
177
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,744
♪ Would you dance ♪
178
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:34,681
♪ If I asked you
to dance? ♪
179
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:37,217
♪ And would you run ♪
180
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:40,754
♪ And never look back? ♪
181
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,222
♪ Would you... ♪
182
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,124
Thank you for
tonight.
183
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:46,593
What,
for schmoozing
your family?
184
00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:48,995
I'm having
a great time.
185
00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:51,998
Oh, look.
We're in the spotlight.
186
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:53,233
You know why?
187
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:56,136
'Cause we're
the perfect couple.
188
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:59,105
BRIANNA: ♪ If I
touched your lips... ♪
189
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:02,809
What happened
to the spotlight?
190
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:06,012
It's on Ted.
He just walked in.
191
00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:07,313
And he brought
a date.
192
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,983
Oh, big deal.
So my ex‐husband
comes walking in
193
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:13,319
with a stunning blond
who looks like
Rachel Hunter.
194
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:14,855
Who cares?
195
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,657
We're not in competition.
196
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:20,226
Actually, Fran,
that is Rachel Hunter.
197
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:23,029
Quick! Take off your shirt!
198
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:33,073
Oh, this is so pathetic!
199
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,307
He is so insecure!
200
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,977
He knows that
I'm coming here with you,
so what does he do?
201
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:39,345
He's gotta bring a big
supermodel with him.
202
00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:44,150
Does he really think
this impresses people?
203
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,152
Who are you calling?
204
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:51,057
No one. I was just
getting a picture
of Rachel Hunter.
205
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,260
(whining) Meryl...
206
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,529
What's the matter,
honey?
207
00:09:55,529 --> 00:10:01,635
Oh, Ted's got some nerve
showing up here
with a gorgeous blond.
208
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,136
Yeah. How embarrassing.
209
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:06,072
The two of you
showed up wearing
the same date.
210
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:13,680
How the heck
does he know Rachel Hunter
anyways?
211
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,116
Listen, you've gotta
do me a favor.
212
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:20,854
When she's away from Ted,
I want you to pump her
for information.
213
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:21,755
How?
214
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:22,889
I don't know.
Corner her in the bathroom.
215
00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:26,893
Ooh! Better yet,
ask her to dance.
She likes to dance.
216
00:10:26,893 --> 00:10:30,330
Two women dancing?
Why don't you do it?
217
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:33,199
Eh, for me it's weird.
218
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:37,203
Well, Dad's here,
so if anybody's
looking for me,
219
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:38,739
I'll be
in the fetal position.
220
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:39,940
Oh, now, now,
wait a minute.
221
00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:43,009
This is a family affair.
Can't you be civil
to your father?
222
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:47,013
How can I be civil
to the man who's responsible
for my nervous breakdown?
223
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:50,050
Who is that he's with?
Rachel Hunter.
224
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,018
Daddy?
225
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,020
Hello, my angel.
226
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:56,890
Rachel, these
are my children.
227
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,091
You must be Allison.
Yeah!
228
00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:02,729
Your dad's so proud
of you. He's told me
so much about you.
229
00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:03,997
Josh.
230
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,166
What's up?
231
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,102
It's very nice
to meet you.
232
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,071
Hey, Josh, you
should give Rachel
233
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,439
a picture of you
in a swimming suit
234
00:11:13,439 --> 00:11:14,908
since you have so‐‐
235
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,711
very funny, Allison.
Very funny.
236
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,946
Frannie,
what's wrong?
237
00:11:19,946 --> 00:11:21,748
Oh, just look
at my kids
238
00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:23,283
fawning all over
that Rachel Hunter.
239
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:27,120
You know,
it's all part of
Ted's evil plan
240
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,056
to turn everyone
against me.
241
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:33,393
I didn't know
that Ted could still push
your buttons like this.
242
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:36,462
You have to rise above it
and put the past
behind you.
243
00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:39,966
Oh, you're right.
He's trying to get
a reaction out of me,
244
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:42,435
and I'm just not gonna
give him the satisfaction.
245
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:46,239
We will just sit here
and ignore them.
246
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:50,276
But I kinda wanted
to meet Rachel Hunter.
247
00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:52,012
Oh, all right. Let's go.
248
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:57,317
I'm just going to be
the picture of decorum
and civility.
249
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,022
Ted.
250
00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:04,257
Fran! It's been a while.
251
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:07,427
And Riley...Look at you!
252
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:10,330
You're shaving now!
253
00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:14,400
Oh. Oh! Because
I'm young.
254
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,204
You still got it,
Ted! Ha ha ha!
255
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:20,340
Hi. Riley Martin.
256
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:21,942
Pleased
to meet you.
257
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:24,344
This is supermodel
Rachel Hunter.
258
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:27,914
Rachel, this is Fran,
my old wife.
259
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,082
Ex‐wife.
260
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:32,553
I have to tell you,
I just love you
on that dance show.
261
00:12:32,553 --> 00:12:36,022
But you know what?
You should have won!
262
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:37,490
That's ok.
We had a great time.
263
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:40,994
No, but really,
if I were you, I would
demand a recount.
264
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:47,067
I mean,
that Evander Holyfield...
Two left feet and half an ear!
265
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,304
So, Fran,
what do you do?
266
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:52,873
I'm
a professional
decorator.
267
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:56,276
Well, she helps
her divorced friends
pick out toilets.
268
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,244
Fran's very talented.
269
00:12:58,244 --> 00:13:00,246
She really is an artist.
270
00:13:00,246 --> 00:13:04,985
Oh! I suppose
that makes my plumber
Leonardo Davinci.
271
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,254
DJ: Yo, yo, yo.
Quiet, everybody.
272
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:11,491
Kenny Goldstein's
in the house!
273
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,395
"Thank you all for being
here at my bar mitzvah
274
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:20,867
on this...The day
of my bar mitzvah.
275
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:23,436
I'd like to call
some very special people
onto the dance floor
276
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,205
for a very special dance.
277
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:28,174
My parents, Linda and Gary.
278
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:30,911
My grandparents,
Manny and Frieda.
279
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:34,180
And my godparents,
cousins Fran and Ted."
280
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:39,419
Oh, crap!
Now I gotta touch him!
281
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,988
(dance music begins)
282
00:13:44,525 --> 00:13:47,327
Riley's very loyal.
283
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,862
You trained him well.
284
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:52,633
I suppose it's easier
when you get them
as puppies.
285
00:13:52,633 --> 00:13:56,302
You know, Ted,
it is just killing you
286
00:13:56,302 --> 00:13:58,404
that I'm happy,
isn't it?
287
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:00,340
Let me tell you
something‐‐
288
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:03,309
if I got 1/10th
the support from you
that I get from Riley,
289
00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:06,246
I wouldn't just be
doing my girlfriends'
bathrooms.
290
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:11,251
I'd be up to my neck
in celebrity toilets
by now!
291
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:17,123
She so should have won!
292
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:21,327
So...Julia.
293
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,029
How do you know
Kenny?
294
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,264
I was his babysitter.
295
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:26,299
I used to give him a bath,
put him to bed,
read him stories.
296
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:29,536
Oh, yeah? I could
use one of you.
297
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,037
You have a kid?
298
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,306
No.
299
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,175
So what do you do?
300
00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:37,511
Um...I work in film.
301
00:14:37,511 --> 00:14:40,046
Distribution,
mainly.
302
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:40,814
Really?
303
00:14:40,814 --> 00:14:43,416
What are you,
like a movie mogul?
304
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:44,417
Mogul? Ha ha ha!
305
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:45,218
Ted!
306
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:48,154
What? He works
in a video store.
307
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:51,257
Oh! You work
in a video store.
308
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:52,358
He is the manager.
309
00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:54,928
Assistant
manager.
310
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:56,530
But I will be able
to move up
311
00:14:56,530 --> 00:15:00,066
once my boss
goes to space camp
this summer.
312
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,904
Thanks for the...
Dance.
313
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:07,440
And thank you, Dad,
for continuing
to ruin my life.
314
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,575
Oh, here we go again!
315
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,677
It's all my fault
'cause I forced you
into med school.
316
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:14,648
When are you going
to take responsibility,
Josh, hmm?
317
00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:16,182
I've been out of
the picture for some time.
318
00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:18,184
You still haven't
done a damn thing
with your life.
319
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:19,553
It takes you 6 months
to figure out what color
porsche you want,
320
00:15:19,553 --> 00:15:22,956
and I can't have a couple
of weeks to figure out
the rest of my life?
321
00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:24,424
Yeah. Give the kid
some time to breathe!
322
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,992
Maybe you're giving
him too much time.
323
00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:27,561
Maybe you're part
of the problem.
324
00:15:27,561 --> 00:15:30,163
Hey, Mom
is not the problem.
She's a great parent.
325
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,397
Thank you!
326
00:15:31,397 --> 00:15:33,567
Every dumb‐ass mistake
I ever made,
she completely supported.
327
00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:34,835
Yeah!
328
00:15:34,835 --> 00:15:37,403
Did it ever occur
to you that maybe
he's a late bloomer?
329
00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:41,241
Look at me. I didn't
even begin to bloom
until dumped you!
330
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,476
I see you never
dumped that diamond
watch I gave you.
331
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:47,280
You think I care about
this diamond stinking
watch on my wrist?
332
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:52,385
If I want to know
the time, I will look
in my purse!
333
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:53,386
Fran‐‐
334
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:55,288
I'm sorry, honey.
I know that I promised you
335
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,223
that I wasn't gonna
let him get to me.
336
00:15:57,223 --> 00:16:01,161
But when he goes after
Josh, all bets are off!
337
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:02,128
Mom, Dad,
338
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:05,532
take it outside.
They're cutting the cake.
339
00:16:05,532 --> 00:16:07,500
I know what this
is all about.
340
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,302
It has nothing
to do with Josh!
341
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,638
You made the biggest
mistake of your life
when you left me,
342
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,340
and you're trying
to take me down a peg
in front of the family!
343
00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:18,712
(laughs) Oh, Ted,
if I wanted to take you
down a peg,
344
00:16:18,712 --> 00:16:21,582
I could have told
the family years ago
345
00:16:21,582 --> 00:16:24,050
that you cheated on me!
346
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:30,023
But my problem was
I didn't want to hurt
my children.
347
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:32,726
Fran.
What? What?
348
00:16:32,726 --> 00:16:34,360
(gasps)
349
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,230
But I have no problem
telling my children
350
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,464
and everybody else
in this room
351
00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:42,536
that Ted bought his date
with Rachel Hunter
352
00:16:42,536 --> 00:16:46,272
from a charity event!
353
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:53,013
And...Thank you!
354
00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:59,385
Well, I think this was
the best bar mitzvah
ever.
355
00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:00,587
I'm glad
you enjoyed yourself.
356
00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:04,791
We probably won't be
invited to another one
for a long time.
357
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:05,926
Who cares?
358
00:17:05,926 --> 00:17:09,129
While you guys
were busy digging Kenny
out of the cake,
359
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:12,365
I ripped off Brianna's
birth control patch.
360
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,202
Allison! You go
right upstairs and
call your cousin,
361
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:18,304
even if you have to
pull her out of bed.
362
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:22,275
In fact,
that's probably
a good idea.
363
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,846
You know,
I hate to admit it,
364
00:17:25,846 --> 00:17:27,581
but it's a good thing
dad was there.
365
00:17:27,581 --> 00:17:31,351
No one else could have
suctioned the icing
out of Kenny's lungs.
366
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:34,154
What are the odds?
A room full of Jews,
367
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:37,323
and only one doctor.
368
00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:39,626
Hey, honey,
where do you want these?
369
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:41,194
Just stick 'em
in the den, sweetie.
370
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:44,798
(humming "Hava Nagila")
371
00:17:44,798 --> 00:17:46,132
Oh, Joshie,
372
00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:51,304
I was so proud of you
the way you stood up
to your father tonight.
373
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:52,873
Yeah, I guess
I was pretty great.
374
00:17:52,873 --> 00:17:56,342
He was all,
"Why you still
blamin' me?"
375
00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:57,811
And I was all up
in his face going,
376
00:17:57,811 --> 00:18:01,648
"Gimme time, man. Tch!
You're the reason
my life sucks.
377
00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:03,850
Maybe you suck!"
378
00:18:05,719 --> 00:18:07,854
You didn't actually
say that.
379
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,823
No. But it was clearly
implied.
380
00:18:09,823 --> 00:18:12,893
And then he has the nerve
to ask me what my excuse is
381
00:18:12,893 --> 00:18:14,060
now that he's
out of my life.
382
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:17,130
I know. I mean,
how does he expect
you to move on?
383
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,866
I haven't even moved on,
and I divorced him!
384
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:21,702
Yeah! I know!
Really!
385
00:18:21,702 --> 00:18:23,804
Uh‐oh.
386
00:18:23,804 --> 00:18:27,407
Oh, my God, you don't think
that he could be...
387
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:28,374
Right?
388
00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:32,679
I mean...What is
our excuse for not moving on?
389
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,848
He's not in our lives
anymore.
390
00:18:34,848 --> 00:18:36,817
He can't control us.
(gasps)
391
00:18:36,817 --> 00:18:40,220
Unless he implanted
a microchip into our brains
392
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,756
when we were sleeping!
393
00:18:42,756 --> 00:18:45,491
Oh, no.
That's ridiculous.
394
00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:48,729
We'd have beeped
in the airports.
395
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,396
Wait a minute.
So what are you saying?
396
00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:53,366
You're saying we can't
blame dad anymore?
397
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:55,902
I don't think so.
398
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:56,870
Huh.
399
00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:59,339
Well,
that blows.
400
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,875
Look, you know what?
401
00:19:01,875 --> 00:19:03,276
Here's the thing.
402
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,946
We do have to take
some responsibility.
403
00:19:05,946 --> 00:19:09,883
We do have to figure out
where we're heading
in our lives.
404
00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:15,388
But we don't have to let
anybody else know
that he was "right."
405
00:19:15,789 --> 00:19:17,858
Deal?
406
00:19:17,858 --> 00:19:19,359
Deal.
407
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:21,394
You know...
408
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,229
This is good.
It's good.
409
00:19:23,229 --> 00:19:24,297
Moving on.
I like it.
410
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,932
I mean, it's not like
I'm gonna spend
411
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:27,968
the rest of my life
working in a video store.
412
00:19:27,968 --> 00:19:32,205
Sweetie, I love you,
and I don't care
what you do.
413
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,540
(kissing)
414
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:38,779
Just as long as you
don't spend the rest
of your life living here.
415
00:19:44,885 --> 00:19:48,388
Anyone who gossips
about you two has got
a lotta kut‐spa.
416
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:49,823
Mm‐mm.
417
00:19:49,823 --> 00:19:51,558
It's chutzpah.
418
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:55,829
Say it like you got
a rice crispy stuck
in your throat.
419
00:19:55,829 --> 00:19:57,764
Chutzpah!
420
00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:58,732
Yes.
421
00:19:58,732 --> 00:20:00,567
Right in the eye.
422
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,402
I mean, really,
when your partner,
423
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:06,840
who is
a professional dancer,
steps on your toes,
424
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:11,277
in my opinion,
the fix is in.
425
00:20:11,277 --> 00:20:15,381
Let it go.
426
00:20:16,517 --> 00:20:17,383
Hi, you guys.
427
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:21,354
It's been a long time
since we saw you.
428
00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:22,923
Manny, I told you
they're divorced.
429
00:20:22,923 --> 00:20:25,626
Would you put
that hearing aid in?
430
00:20:25,626 --> 00:20:27,594
Frannie,
you look gorgeous.
431
00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,996
Oh! Thank you,
Aunt Frieda.
432
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,533
Gee, you guys
are still like
newlyweds.
433
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,869
Thank god for
the little blue pills!
434
00:20:35,869 --> 00:20:39,506
Everybody has to know
our business?
435
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:46,479
Oh, my God!
436
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:49,883
I killed Kenny!
437
00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:26,853
Captioned by The National
Captioning Institute
32610
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof