Original subtitles

Oh, Joshie, look at you here!

You're only two weeks old.

Why is he wearing a helmet?

Oh, because you know, he was born with a conehead.

The doctor said that it would pop back out, but it didn't,

so he had to wear a helmet to reshape it.

That's because you let them use suction.

That's because you were like a groundhog.

You popped your head out, saw your shadow, and popped back in.

It was either suction or six more weeks of pregnancy.

I don't think so.

Why didn't wait for them to take the thing off

before you took the picture?

Because you were my little adorable Evel Kneivel.

If I didn't take the picture, I wouldn't remember.

Yes, exactly.

I hope you guys are hungry.

I got the meat‐lover, animal‐hater pizza.

Hi, honey.

Un‐uh‐uh! Mom, we agreed if you guys are gonna live together,

no kissing in the common areas.

Well, was that before or after

I agreed to let you move back here

without paying rent?

You know, "shut up" would've been shorter.

Hey, family pictures.

Who's the fat girl in the helmet?

You know what? Turn the page.

So do you guys want to eat out here or in the kitchen?

Oh, wow! Talk about fat. Look at mom in this picture.

I wasn't fat! I was pregnant with Allison.

Are you drinking a glass of wine?

Yes. The doctor said I could have

an occasional glass of wine

to reduce stress on the baby.

Was it the same doctor who told you my conehead would pop back?

Ok, kitchen it is.

Everyone is so tan and my skin is so white.

I can put the pizza in the oven and heat it up.

Well, that's because you were covered in sunscreen, honey.

You burnt off your first layer of skin the minute we got there.

As long as the oven's open,

should I stick my head in it? Show of hands?

There's Dad in that conga line

singing that stupid song. You remember?

♪ If you're having fun, and you don't have a care ♪

♪ Shake your coconuts in the air ♪

♪ Cancun, Cancun ♪

♪ Under the sun and under the moon ♪

♪ Cancun, Cancun ♪

♪ It's bueno here in Cancun ♪

♪ Cancun, Cancun ♪

Mom. What?

This is the reason the whales never returned to Cancun.

Very funny. Where's Riley?

Oh, I heard him mention something

about sticking his head in the oven.

I guess this was the first time he heard you sing.

You know, you're living here free, too, lady.

What are you doing in here all alone?

Nothing. I was just hungry.

Besides, you guys were having a family moment.

I didn't want to spoil it.

Oh, what spoil?

You're part of the family now. Mwah mwah mwah!

Frannie, it's ok.

You know, we've only been living together six months.

I don't expect to be part of everything.

To Allison, I'm still sort of the new guy.

To Josh, I'm Conan the Big Aryan,

and you, you know, you had a whole life before me.

Oh, trust me. It wasn't that great before you.

You look pretty happy in those pictures.

Well, that was just because you didn't see

what happened before and after the flash.

"Don't lie to me! I saw those panties in your‐‐

Cheese! Garment bag!"

I'm gonna go recalibrate my miter saw.

Oh, you're upset.

I am not.

No, you're hiding it good,

but I know whenever you get upset,

you start to caliber your saw.

That is so not true.

Oh, yes, it is. It's like when I get all upset,

and I donate all my shoes to Goodwill

and then rush down to buy 'em all back.

Oh, Josh, Riley's working with his miter saw.

You know what that means, don't you?

Yeah. He's not jewish.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Riley is really upset out there.

He doesn't feel like he's part of our family.

Well, that's because he's not‐‐

Which is why I think that we should all

include him more in our daily lives. Got it?

Thank you.

Sure, Mom. Maybe Riley and I

could go down to the fishing hole

and catch a mess of trout.

Then he can tousle my hair.

Yeah, like you'd ever let anybody

touch your hair after they touched fish.

All I'm saying is that you should spend

a little more time together.

Mom, Riley and I have nothing in common.

What could we possibly do together?

Well, in a couple of years,

he could teach you how to shave.

"Dear Diary,

Today I made a funny joke about my brother.

Ii wish I had friends to share it with.

P.S., Still no breasts."

Now what about you?

Can you at least help out a little bit

and make Riley feel included?

I know exactly how to include Riley.

Hey, Riley! Could you drop me off

at the mall tomorrow?

RILEY: Sure. Thank you.

See? I feel closer already.

"Dear Diary, Today Mom grounded me

for being such a smartass.

P.S., She gets more gorgeous every day."

Morning.

I hope that's the digital.

I don't trust that lady at the one hour photo.

Last time I was there, she was drinking

out of a mug with my ass on it.

Well, I thought that it would be a good idea

for us to start a new photo album.

I was us to have our own set of memories.

Frannie!

Heh heh heh! That's for my mug.

Now let's take a picture of just the two of us.

Ooh!

Oh, look how good we look together.

Yeah. And after I futz with this on the computer,

I'll have a rack like Jessica Simpson.

I love that you're starting our own photo album.

Mmm.

Soon there'll be pictures of you, me,

Riley Junior‐‐

Ha ha! Riley Junior? Ha ha ha!

Why are you laughing?

'Cause you said that funny joke

about Riley Junior. Ha ha ha!

Heh heh heh.

It's not a joke.

You're serious?

Yeah. Don't you want kids?

Well, you know that boy and girl who live here?

They didn't come with the house.

But those are your kids, and they're great,

but I just assumed we'd have kids of our own one day.

Well, I just assumed that you assumed

that me being the age that you assume I am...

The kid thing wasn't part of the deal.

Well, me being the age that I am,

why would you think I wouldn't want children?

Why didn't you bring this up

when we first started dating?

When we first started dating,

I wasn't thinking about Riley Junior.

I was thinking with Riley Junior.

Oh, Riley,

I spent my whole life being a mom.

I mean, I'm just starting to feel

like I'm more than that.

Frannie, you are more than that.

That's why I want to have kids with you.

Oh, sweetie, I'm just not in that place

in my life. I'm sorry.

Ok.

Well, where are you going?

I heard a drip. I'm just gonna reseal that shower head.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with the shower head.

You're just upset, so you need to fix something.

Honestly, Riley, you know,

you really have to learn how to communicate.

Goodwill, Goodwill,

Goodwill, Goodwill‐‐

Wait a minute. Let me just wear these one more time,

and then I'll go to Goodwill.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, Riley, we have to talk.

You have to know that me not wanting to have a baby

has nothing to do with you.

Yeah, well, me wanting to have a baby

has a lot to do with you.

Oh, don't you see? By the time I was your age,

I already had two kids,

though most people thought I was the big sister.

I mean, I had Josh when I was so young.

I missed out on so much. Like what?

I never got to go to college.

I never got to backpack through Europe.

When all my friends were rocking the casbah,

I was rocking Josh to sleep.

I never had a life, and now I finally have a chance

to do some things for me.

Well, what about me? I never saw myself

as a guy who'd never have kids before.

Except for the time Alice Maroney kicked me in the grapes.

Then I saw myself as a guy who'd never stand up again.

I like the way things are right now.

This is the happiest time in my life.

I just don't see myself having a baby.

Well, what if you change your mind?

I mean, I'm a guy. It's never too late for me.

But you‐‐well, you're not a guy.

You know, I'm a little nervous because I never thought

at my age I'd be considering having another baby.

I paused there so that you can tell me how young I look.

Thanks. You've been very helpful.

Excuse me.

Hi.

I'm getting my eggs frozen.

I have a much younger boyfriend.

He's really sexy.

Not that that's relevant. I just like to tell people.

Anyway, he really wants to have a baby someday,

and, well, he's a little worried about my biological time clock.

I didn't tell him that I was here

because I'm not sure that I want to go through with it.

I mean, I have my own life to live now,

and I don't need to tell you

what women our age are like when they have a baby.

Elastic on old sweatpants.

We don't snap back so fast, huh? Ha ha ha!

Would you like a tranquilizer?

Uh, no thank you. I don't respond that well to those‐‐wow!

Look at that one! Oh, boy!

Would you look at her? Jeez, you never know

how many kids you can get when you come to a place like this.

I mean, you come in for a kid, you walk out with a litter.

HI. I'm getting my eggs frozen.

But you know you really got to do the math here.

I mean, when you think about it,

by the time my kid is 20, I'll be, uh‐‐

Oh, never mind.

Oh, what am I worried about? I mean, look at you.

We're about the same age, and you're here.

I'm here with my daughter. I'm gonna be a grandmother.

Oh, give me the pill.

(games beeping and playing music)

Hey, is he here yet?

You know, I just asked for a ride, not a play date.

You can go now.

I'll go when this Jeff guy comes.

I'm not leaving you standing alone at the mall.

Yeah, because there's a whole lot of gang activity

over at the Bed Bath and Beyond.

You just don't want to go home

because you and Mom are fighting.

Did your mother tell you that?

Not directly, but her voice carries.

I happened to be on the planet when she was speaking.

So why do you want a kid?

Well, I've always wanted someone

to ask prying questions about my personal life.

Hey, you want to be part of this family, get used to that.

I can do that. I got used to Josh

introducing me as the Jolly Blond Giant

who's sleeping with his mom.

When did Jeff say he was meeting you here?

An hour ago.

Oh. Well, maybe he could've, uh‐‐

you know‐‐heh! He could've, uh‐‐

Oh, I can't spin this one.

What a jerk! Jeff McHenry.

More like Jeff McReally‐ Stupid‐Guy‐I‐Hate.

Yeah. I know how you feel.

Why? You've been stood up?

Oh, sorry, no.

But I have stood up a couple of girls in the past.

According to them, it sucks.

Allison, let me give you some advice.

I know. Jeff doesn't deserve me.

I need to appreciate myself for who I am.

Great advice, unless who you are

is a girl who's been stood up by a guy

even though you made out with him in the a/v room and taped it.

Uh‐huh. Funny. That wasn't what I was gonna say.

No? Well, what's your brilliant advice?

You're right.

It feels really good to hit something!

This is like, the best invention ever!

Second best. They got another version.

When you hit 'em, they scream and yell for their mommy.

Not for nothing, but if you stick around,

I got a couple of kid years left in me.

Really? Sure.

I mean, somebody's gotta teach me how to drive.

I can do that.

And explain to me how boys think.

That's easy. They don't.

See, this feels good.

You feel like family.

I even feel close enough to ask you for money.

No problem. There you go.

I was talking shoe money, but thanks.

So anyway,

I had my exam

and the doctor said I got more eggs

than a chicken farm in Jersey.

And then after they harvest them‐‐

oh, that's a weird terM. Harvest them.

What do they do? Go in with a bunch

of tiny migrant workers?

Ha ha ha!

Oh! Tranquilizers make me think funny.

Mom?

Oh, there's my Yashie now. Hi, sweetie.

Mom, are you‐‐whoa! Mom, are you ok?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine, thank you. Calm down.

Calm down? I get a call

that my mom's at the doctor's office

and they need me to drive her home,

and you want me to be calm? Are you sick, are you hurt?

No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I just came here to look into getting my eggs frozen,

so that Riley and I always have the option of having a baby.

Why? You already had one kid that ruined your life,

and now you want another one?

What are you talking about, "ruined my life?"

(exhales) I‐‐I heard what you said to Riley.

I stole your youth. I kept you

from backpacking across Europe.

I kept you from rocking the Catskills.

Casbah.

Whatever. You didn't get to rock it because you had me,

and now you want to have another kid.

So?

So, Mom, when do you expect to have your freedom,

when you're 70?

That should be just in time for you

to go backpacking across the lobby of your nursing home.

Oh, Joshie, I am so sorry

that you overheard what I said.

Mom, you‐‐

you have a little drool in the corner of‐‐

Eh? Oh.

You know, I had to take a pill.

That's why they called you

because they say I can't operate heavy machinery.

I mean, apparently they think I drove here

in a forklift!

You know, when they told me that I was pregnant,

it's true, I did not want to be.

Well, now I feel a lot better.

No. Let me finish. But I'll never forget,

I was on the "A" train coming home,

and I felt you move inside of me,

and from 34th Street on,

I always, always wanted you.

And then when I saw you,

ooh, with that incredible face,

I thought, "How could anything with a face like thi be a mistake?"

Especially after we fixed the conehead.

I had a pointy head. I get it.

Oh, Josh, you didn't ruin my life.

You gave me a reason to have one.

And if I don't have another baby,

then.. maybe I'll miss out on having another you.

Mom, I‐‐I don't say this enough,

but I love you.

I am a great driver. I had both hands on the wheel.

How could you have both hands on the wheel

when you're flipping a guy off?

That's anatomically impossible,

and so is what you yelled at him, by the way.

Hey, you guys.

Hey.

Oh, hey, um, thought we could put this

in the family album. It's adorable, right?

Oh, isn't that adorable?

And by the way, missy, you drive without a permit

one more time, so help me I'll‐‐

is she gone? Yeah.

Good, 'cause I had nothing.

I can't believe she conned me.

Welcome to the family.

Now about the baby‐‐

Fran, me first. I was being selfish.

I would never want you to have a baby just for me.

Well, I appreciate that,

but I did go to see a doctor today

to talk about freezing my eggs. You know, just in case.

Really? Yep.

So if you agree, then we can move forward with that,

and then if it turns out we're on the same page

with this baby thing, we can try it the fun way first,

and if that doesn't work,

we'll try it the fun way again,

and if that doesn't work then we'll have a nice backup plan.

Oh.

Now, here, read the brochure.

All the information is in there.

Hmm. Wow. So this is how they get the eggs out.

Yeah, it's not as much fun as how they get the sperm out.

I am the luckiest guy in the world.

Well, I'm on the same page with you about that.

It says in this magazine

that a woman in russia lived to be 119 years old.

So there's no rush on those eggs.

You got lots of time.

You can wait until I'm dead to have the baby.

Every time I walk in on you guys making out,

it takes a year off my life, so how long could I last?

I'll never see 30.

This isn't gonna do it for me.

Come on.

It's not gonna make me want it.

Just give it a try. It's not gonna bite you.

Oh, ok.

But a dog is not a baby.

Aw, just look how cute she is.

Doesn't she get those maternal instincts going?

Ok.

But if we keep her,

I'm not nursing it.

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute