Original subtitles

Allison.

Wow, look at you.

Now, what do you mean?

Look at you great,

or look at you, is that a dress or a sausage casing?

I think it looks great.

Oh, thank you.

So, where you going?

Oh, it's Riley's high school reunion.

I'm so nervous.

I'll just lean a lot.

You know, I haven't boogied in a high school gym

since Reagan was president.

I think you'll be fine

as long as you don't say "boogie" or "Reagan."

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm never gonna fit in.

These kids are gonna think I'm a narc.

Now, if you're gonna drive my truck,

that baby needs at least 85 inches of clearance.

Got it. 85 inches.

It's got a 170‐inch wheelbase,

so don't even think about parking in a compact space.

Got it. 170‐inch wheelbase.

Any questions? Yeah.

How do you turn on the radio again?

Sweetie, it's getting late.

Why don't you start getting ready?

Relax, babe, we have plenty of time.

Just had to give josh a quick lesson on the truck

before his big date.

Actually, it's not just a date.

It's a date with destiny.

I'm helping Erika from work

move out of her parents' house...

And into my heart.

Thank you, Henry Wadsworth Shortfellow.

Oh, sweetie, maybe you don't really need me

going with you tonight.

I mean, I feel like I'm just gonna get in the way

between you and all your...homies.

Mom, or that. Mm‐mmm.

Fran, you won't be in the way.

I can't wait for all my old buds to meet you.

What are they gonna think

when you come walking in the door with me?

They're gonna think that I lucked out.

Besides, who cares what they think?

You look amazing.

Really? You don't think the dress is too tight?

Not if you're a superhero.

Well, I gotta go help Erika.

Hey, has it occurred to you she's just using you

and that the closest to her bed you're gonna get

is schleppin' it up three flights of stairs?

If you knew anything about Erika,

you'd know she wouldn't do that.

Ooh, I'm late.

Cable guy's gonna be there between 9:00 and 12:00.

Hey, honey, did you see the new suit I bought you?

Oh, man, this is great.

Ooh. Thanks, babe.

You're welcome.

Is that blue lipstick?

No, I'm not wearing blue lipstick.

Oh, my God. The oxygen is leaving my face.

I gotta go change.

Honey? Honey? What?

What're you so nervous about?

You're making too big a deal out of this.

Sweetie, everybody there is gonna be your age.

I wanna fit in.

Oh, I gotta hope I find something in my closet.

I need another dress, another pair of shoes,

and a freakin' time machine!

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

So we're really gonna keep a low profile, right?

Absolutely, it'll be totally casual.

We'll just hang out with a few of my buds.

Oh, my God!

Riley Martin? Hi!

Hi...Susan.

Great to see you.

You look great!

I'll get your badge.

Do you know her?

'Cause she sure knows you.

Maybe it was homeroom or something. I'm not sure.

Homeroom? It sounds

like you pulled her out of a burning car.

Maybe she knows me

because I played a little basketball.

MAN: Hey, look! There's Riley!

(everyone shouting)

Oh, and I was captain of the team.

We won state twice.

They were thinking about naming the gym after me.

Hey, stretch!

The dan‐man!

BOTH: Ooh! Aah! Grr! Tigers!

Hey, guy! Hey, man!

Dude! I know!

Well, now that you're all caught up,

let's check in.

(gasps) Oh, my God.

You look fantastic.

Oh, thank you.

You were always my favorite art teacher, Mrs. Feinman.

Oh, I'm not Mrs. Feinman.

I'm here with Riley

of Nazareth.

Riley, this is Laurie, my wife.

At least, she better be, huh?

And this is Fran, my girlfriend.

Well, more than that, actually. We live together.

Hi. Hello.

Hi.

Fran, huh?

Feels funny calling you

by your first name, Mrs. Feinman.

Alcohol. Now.

Dan‐issimo!

Air‐meister!

BOTH: Ooh! Aah! Grr! Tigers!

Wow. If they start sniffing each other's butts,

I am so out of here.

I'm right behind you.

Hey, look who followed me home.

Stretch!

Superfreak! Grr!

This is my wife Cynthia.

Hey.

Hi, how are you?

Hey, I think I see a tray of shooters.

Are you ok here, Fran?

Oh, I'll be fine, honey.

I have so much in common with these girls.

Cool.

So, how far along are you?

Almost eight months.

You look great. How do you feel?

Oh, well, it's just a magical, wonderful time.

Every morning I wake up

feeling this new life growing inside me.

That must be incredible!

Oh, puh‐lease.

If you are anything like me,

you spend the first three months nauseous,

then after that, gassy,

then your husband is telling you how beautiful you are

when really he's looking at you

like you're a parade float

that needs to pee every 15 minutes.

You've been there!

Oh, twice.

Now, listen to me,

when you're about to pop that puppy out,

go for the drugs.

Really?

Because isn't natural childbirth supposed to‐‐

Drugs!

Mrs. Feinman.

Yes?

I just wanted you to know

how much your class meant to me.

Ha ha ha! Well, thank you.

You were my favorite student.

Really?

Hey, does anybody have a yearbook?

This Feinman broad's gotta be hot.

So, after we got the divorce,

I let him have everything.

Except the jewelry and something to keep it in.

I call it the house.

So, what do you do, Fran?

I'm an interior designer.

Your house must be gorgeous.

Well, I wouldn't say gorgeous,

but you might when you see it.

Hey, why don't you guys come over tomorrow night?

Perfect. Great.

I was wondering,

I hear that giving birth underwater is really‐‐

Drugs!

ALL: Tigers!

So, Danny, you selling a lot of light bulbs?

No, not light bulbs.

I'm in fixtures. Lighting fixtures.

Whatever.

No, man. Not whatever.

Fixtures.

Ok.

James, how you doing?

I can't complain.

But I'm not living the life of Riley like you.

What's that mean?

Oh, come on.

You got it pretty sweet, my friend.

Hats off. I wish I had your brains.

A sugar mama is the way to go.

You mean Fran? She's not a sugar mama.

I work. I have a business.

I thought you said you lived in her house.

I do.

It's a sweet deal, man.

All you gotta do is keep the lady happy.

Guys, I know what it must look like, but believe me,

I love Fran, and she loves me.

It's an equal partnership.

Whatever.

No, man. Not whatever.

Equal.

Hi!

Hi, you guys.

Hey, I was just talking to your wives,

and I decided to invite you all to our house

for dinner tomorrow night.

Isn't that great, honey?

Great.

What were you all talking about?

Um, uh, we were just admiring Riley's suit.

You like?

I just bought it for him.

Cost me a fortune, but he's worth it.

Oh, Allison, go get changed.

Riley's high school friends are coming over.

I want you to look pretty.

Oh, don't worry. You won't even see me.

Tonight I plan on surfin' the chat rooms.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

The internet is dangerous. I told you.

Which is why I never give out my real name.

Tonight I'll be Bob, a 36‐year‐old man from Northern Canada

whose hobbies include shivering

and waiting for summer.

All right.

Well, get upstairs and put on a pretty dress, Bob.

And tell Riley to get ready.

Hello, Mom.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first Jewish lumberjack.

Saul Bunyan.

Very funny.

These are my truck‐driving clothes.

After moving erika's stuff around in Riley's rig today,

I'm thinking about getting one of my own.

You know, mud flaps are like catnip to the ladies.

Now, let me get this straight.

You're not just doing errands for her?

I mean, you are getting a little somethin'‐somethin'

happenin' here, aren't ya?

Not yet, but you know what they say.

Before you build a building,

you gotta lay down the foundation,

and I am pouring the concrete.

We are talking about sex?

I mean, you're not actually building her a house now, are you?

I'm just helping her move.

And after a long, rough day

cruisin' around in Riley's rig,

I got me a man‐sized appetite.

Oh, is that brie?

Sweetie, this is exciting.

Your high school friends are coming over.

Or maybe I should call them our friends,

now that I know they like me so much.

Oh, don't wear that shirt.

I got you this beautiful new shirt to wear.

I didn't ask you to buy me that.

I'm gonna wear what I picked out.

Why?

Because I don't want you buying me clothes anymore.

I can buy my own clothes.

Well, I know that, sweetie.

But I like buying you clothes.

You're like my life‐sized Ken Doll.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. I just like dressing you.

I'm not your doll.

And you realize ken comes missing a vital piece of his anatomy.

What are you saying,

that he lost it 'cause barbie shops for him?

We're not sure how he lost it.

Now, what's going on here?

Nothing.

Well, you have been in a bad mood all day.

Now, if I did something wrong, just tell me.

But don't take it out

on this beautiful Donna Karan shirt

that's never done you any harm.

All I'm saying is I can pick out my own clothes.

I don't need another mother.

(gasps)

That is a terrible thing to say

Five minutes before company is coming.

I'm gonna wear what I wanna wear.

Well, fine!

Boy, I stand in line at the half‐price sale

to buy you beautiful things and you don't want it.

Well, fine! I can take it.

But it's a slap in the face to Donna Karan.

Fran, you don't have to put out

the fancy cheese plate for these guys.

Just set out a giant can of whiz.

Their idea of a good time is a long hallway,

a keg, and a slip 'n' slide.

Well, thank god I waxed the floors.

(doorbell rings)

I don't understand what's happening here.

Are we arguing about cheese or your shirt or what?

All I know is all day, I prepared for these people,

and what thanks do I get?

You call me your mother.

Hi!

Come on in. Welcome to our house.

What a beautiful house!

Oh, this old place?

Well, I made a few improvements.

Got rid of the ex.

They love my ex‐husband jokes.

And, you know, I traded him in

for a newer model with lower mileage

and all the extras.

Fran, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, honey.

Oh, help yourself to some champagne and brie‐‐

What? We're having company.

If you don't mind, I don't like

being referred to as a trade‐in.

It makes me look like merchandise.

No, it doesn't. It makes me look like a smart shopper.

Look, these guys already think that I'm a kept man,

living in a big, fancy house

owned by his hot divorcee girlfriend.

Oh, they think I'm hot?

They think I'm your boy toy.

Oh, is that what this is all about?

Honey, we know that's not true,

so what do you care?

They liked you,

but they're laughing at me.

These guys used to look up to me in high school.

Now they think I'm a joke.

Well, sweetie, I don't think

that we should try and change who we are or the way we live

because you can't deal with a couple of comments

that your ex‐locker room buddies said.

You don't see me complaining

because they think I'm hot.

Riley, that was a hell of a dinner.

We didn't know you were such a good cook.

Neither did I, but I kind of yaught myself

when I started living here.

Why are all the good ones taken?

So, how much you wanna buy in for?

Well, I just got paid today,

so put me down for 12 big ones.

I'll take 40.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, I didn't get to the ATM today.

Why don't you go see your cash machine in the next room?

You know which buttons to push.

I told you guys, it's not like that.

Hey, don't get bent out of shape.

We just wish our ATMs were as hot as yours.

Ha ha ha!

What're you guys talkin' about?

Can we just play cards?

So, Josh, what's your story?

Well, you've heard it before.

Boy meets medical school, boy has nervous breakdown,

boy moves back home with his mom.

So you live here with Riley and your mom?

Yeah. Yeah.

♪ Awkward ♪

And Riley completely redid that bathroom.

That was how we met.

You know, I was thinking of redoing our bathroom,

but why bother?

Danny's on the road selling lighting fixtures four days a week.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, it is.

You're talking about the days he's home, right?

You know. Yes.

I wish I could get James out on the road.

I mean, I'd dump him now,

but half of nothing is nothing.

You know, it was so nice meeting you guys.

I think I'm gonna head upstairs.

If I ever get like them, kill me!

I will, honey.

Love you.

You know, I gotta tell you, Fran,

if I ever get a divorce, I hope I'm lucky enough

to get a settlement like you obviously got.

Oh, well, I got the house,

but I work. I have a business.

Well, it must be a good one,

because you are one world‐class cougar.

Well, thank you.

What the hell is a cougar?

A woman who lives with a younger man

and pays for everything.

Oh, you just described me and my son.

Let's say we do a road trip to Atlantic City,

gamble all weekend,

then roll into work on Monday drunk and broke

with a suitcase full of shrimp cocktail.

That sounds great.

Fran loves Atlantic City.

What are you, high?

The whole point of this is to get away from the wives.

But I don't want to.

Wuss! Wuss!

Real mature, guys,

but you're not gonna get me all worked up

with the old wuss cough.

Wuss. (coughs)

Who else needs a beer?

Yup. Yo.

Hey, uh, I just wanna thank you

for inviting your friends over tonight.

Why? Well, after meeting these guys,

I'm realizing there are worse cradles my mom could've robbed.

Thank you, Josh.

And I can't think of anyone's mom

I'd rather have as my lover.

Ok, that would be creepy even if it wasn't my mom.

Now, wait a minute here.

Let me just get this straight.

Are you girls calling me a jaguar?

No, a cougar. And it's a compliment.

It's exciting to know that my second husband

is in eighth grade right now.

Oh, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute here.

You have got this all wrong.

I did not pick Riley out of boys 'R' us.

(cell phone rings)

Excuse me.

Oh. Hello?

Uh, yeah, I'll be there in two minutes.

Oh, I am so glad that you called me.

I just had to get out of there.

You know, I was about to tell off

your 2 friends' future ex‐wives.

And I am so past those guys.

The greatest time of their life

was when they were pantsing each other

after a basketball game.

The second greatest time was when

they were pantsing each other at the reunion.

I mean, can you believe that those two girls

had the nerve to call me a cougar?

Well, a wise and beautiful woman once told me,

"what do you care what they think?"

I should've listened to me.

When will I learn that I'm always right?

Don't be so hard on yourself, Fran.

I guess to the rest of the world

we're always gonna look like a cougar and a boy toy,

but what really matters is how we feel.

And I think we're happy.

I'm not paying you to think, boy toy.

Hey, stretch.

Is this where you take all the girls?

No. I've never run out of gas

in the middle of nowhere before.

I guess I forgot to fill up

because I'm nervous about the big game tomorrow.

Maybe I could think of something to relax you.

You know, I am the head cheerleader.

You know, Fran, you're a little too good at this.

What?

What are these?

Oh, my God. Josh!

In the back of my pickup?

Way to go, josh.

I gotta get that boy a truck.

OK, I just stepped out of my mom's party.

Oh, I got the truck.

All right, I'll see you in five...Erika.

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute

Should we hop out?

Are you kidding? I've been dying to get a look at this girl.