Original subtitles

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

I'm cooking dinner.

Really? They make Pop Tarts with beef now?

You know, for your information,

I cooked plenty when I was married to your father.

I was just so depressed,

I ate it all before you came home.

Now listen to me,

Riley parents are in town

and I invited them for dinner.

And his mom wants it to be a big surprise,

so don't say anything.

Not to worry. I won't even be here.

I never wanted to meet Riley.

Why would I want to meet the creatures that spawned him?

Oh, my God. You're cooking.

Did Szechwan palace burn down?

Yes, it did, and your allowance was in it.

Now, listen, Riley's parents are coming‐‐

Oh, you have a cold?

No. But do you remember when you threatened to disown me

if I ever got my tongue pierced?

Yeah.

Well, I'm still in the will.

Oh, my God!

You got a nose ring?

The first perfect nose in four generations of this family

and you punch a hole in it?

I knew you wouldn't understand.

Allison!

Mother, don't you remember way back when you were younger?

Oh, that is so not the way to start.

Mmm! Something smells great.

And someone looks great.

See? That's how you come through a door.

Whoa. Cool nose ring‐‐

Riley!

Is what that isn't.

Who did this to you anyway?

Well, Dee Dee got this kit in the mail‐‐

A kit in the mail?

Why don't you just shove a rusty nail through your nose?

Josh, you went to medical school.

Tell her.

I agree with Mom.

Shove a rusty nail through your nose.

Allison, come on.

I want you to go upstairs,

take that thing out of your nose,

and put peroxide on it.

But I like it.

Well, I like brisket, but you don't see me

wearing it on my face.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, they're here!

Who's here?

Uh, I don't know.

Why don't you go see, honey?

BOTH: Surprise!

Mom? Dad?

Oh! There's my little Riley Coyote.

Wow. You guys stopped by to surprise me.

Super.

How you doing, son?

(both grunt)

So where's that new girlfriend of yours?

Hello.

Oh, you must be Fran's mother.

On second thought, maybe I will stay for dinner.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

So, you're Fran?

Uh‐huh.

And you're Riley's mom and dad.

Wow. Riley's told me so much about you.

And apparently, he's told you nothing about me.

I guess I'm‐‐ I'm a little surprised.

I mean...

It's just that you're... More than we expected.

I think what my lovely wife meant to say was,

hello and thank you very much for inviting us to dinner.

Well, you're very welcome.

Fran, you have to understand, you're‐‐you're...

Different than anybody else Riley's ever dated.

Twice as different.

Who would like a drink? Anyone want a drink?

Good idea. Dad?

Beer, please. Mom?

It's a little early for me.

Let's get that beer.

Not good, Fran. Not good at all.

I can't believe you invited my parents over

without asking me.

Well, your mother wanted it to be a big surprise.

I can't believe that you didn't tell her

how much more I was.

I was waiting for the right time.

Did it ever occur to you that the longer you wait,

the more I was going to be?

What's the deal, Riley? I mean,

are you embarrassed that I'm older than you?

Fran, I never even think about that,

but my mom, she finds a reason to hate

every girl I date.

So you're really saying that it's all your mother's problem

and not yours?

Absolutely. Vanessa was too tall,

Jenny was too smart, Beth was too pretty,

Rachel was too needy, Sarah was too chatty,

Annie was too dumb.

Are you done,

or are you just stopping to reload?

So, uh‐‐

so you were in med school?

Yeah, until he got kicked out

for attacking a male nurse with a bone saw.

Allison never gets tired of telling that story.

You have got to remember that

at your pity party on prom night.

So what happened?

I went 78 hours without sleep,

I had just had my 46th cup of coffee,

and I thought that he was a giant lobster man.

Besides, I was never cut out for medical school.

I only went because my father forced me to.

Getting thrown out was probably the best thing for you.

That's why I never really pressured Riley into doing...

Much of anything, really.

I just wanted him to find himself.

Really?

Because my dad never supported

any of my dreams.

I always wanted to be a teacher,

but he said they didn't make enough money.

Teaching is a noble profession.

I also wanted to be a fireman.

Well, firemen are the heroes of our nation.

How about a cowboy?

What about Mayor of Munchkinland?

I hope you like rib roast.

It was my mother's specialty.

Well, that and destroying my self‐esteem.

Honey, you want to cut that roast?

Yeah. Sure thing, baby.

He called her "baby."

I guess that's like when you call a fat man "slim."

So what do you do, Fran?

She's an interior designer, and she's amazing at it.

Yeah, Riley has a great eye, too.

We go antiquing a lot together.

(chuckles) Well, it's clear he's developed

a taste for older things.

Oh, no, she didn't.

Your mother just called me an antique.

Well, if she gets on your nerves,

just give me a signal, and I'll step in.

Well, when you hear her scream "Get this woman off me,"

that'll be your cue.

And then I wanted to be an astronaut,

but my dad said there weren't any Jews allowed in space.

And I believed him.

Well, you were young.

Weren't you?

So did you decorate this place, Fran?

Oh, yes, but there's still a lot of things I want to change.

It's sort of a work in progress.

I think it's perfect just the way it is.

Well, sometimes things seem perfect the way they are,

and then you look back at them and say,

"What was I thinking?"

Mom, stop it.

All right. It's ok, Riley.

No. I'm sorry I didn't tell you everything about Fran.

I know she's not what you were expecting,

but that's your problem, not ours.

This woman here means everything to me, and I love her

in spite of her age.

In spite of my age?

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Just that I love you.

Yeah, in spite of my age.

Fran, you're not hearing what I'm saying.

Oh, so now I'm old and deaf?

You're not deaf.

Or old.

You know, I knew it.

I knew that you had a problem with our age difference.

It's not your mother, it's you!

Fran, I am not the enemy here.

Uh‐oh.

What happened?

I cut my finger.

Oh, my God. He's bleeding.

No, it's more like spurting.

Oh, my God!

Let me see it. I went to med school.

And this is why I left.

That's bone.

Somebody call an ambulance right away.

No, no, no. It'll be faster if we drive.

Josh, get the car.

Allison, go get some ice for Riley's finger.

My baby's bleeding to death, and it's all your fault!

And the vodka for me.

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry about this.

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

I'm sorry about all the cheap shots

my mom took at you.

We're not having her over again.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not gonna be the cause

of a rift between you and your mother.

I mean, my mother hated my mate, too,

and she said he was totally wrong, I was making a big mistake,

and we were gonna split up, and she was absolutely right.

And this story really isn't going where I planned.

I still don't understand why you got so upset.

I told you I love you.

Yeah, in spite of my age.

I mean, that's like if I didn't have a head

and you said to me,

"I love you in spite of your lack of a head."

That would mean you really wish I had a head.

Either I didn't hear that right,

or my sedatives are kicking in.

You obviously have a problem with our age difference.

It's not a problem. It's just a thing.

It wouldn't even matter if I didn't have to face my mom.

Well, it was a thing before your mother got here,

and it's gonna be a thing after she leaves,

and I just feel‐‐

Sweetie? Riley?

Ok, I guess we'll talk about this later.

Oh, so, what did you find out?

He's going to be ok.

And nobody told the man in room 14

that hospital gowns tie in the back.

Allison, are you sure that your nose is gonna be all right?

I'm fine. It's just a little sore.

The soda's numbing it. How does it look?

Let's just say the reindeer won't be calling Rudolph names anymore.

Care for a breath strip?

Thanks.

You know, Donna,

I understand where you're coming from,

but, honestly, you can't help who you fall in love with.

Well, let me ask you a question, Fran.

What's gonna happen in, say, 10, 15 years,

when he goes through his mid‐life crisis

and you're... 10 or 15 years older?

Yeah, what happens then, huh?

Did you ever think about that?

Nice.

You know, I got you at this hospital,

and I kept the receipt.

Why don't you and I go for a little walk, huh?

Ok.

Oh! Hey, let's go up to the psych ward

and follow the paranoids around.

Just be honest with me, Fran.

How would you feel if I started dating Josh?

I don't know. At this point, I'd be thrilled

if he was dating Tom.

You're not answering my question.

Donna, if you heard how Riley and I met,

you'd know I wasn't looking for a younger man.

A much younger man.

You want to hear the story or not?

Well, I was coming out of a messy divorce,

and I decided to re‐do my life,

starting with the bathroom.

Riley was my contractor.

You think the basin is gonna look nice?

Yeah, it'll look great.

You still want the potty over there?

Hey, listen, Riley, we've been working together for two months.

We're both adults.

I think you can call it the poopie chair.

Ha ha ha!

You know, from here on in, the tile guy will be doing most of the work,

so I won't see you as much anymore.

Oh, that's disappointing. We work so well together.

I just think of something,

and then you make it happen.

I'm gonna miss having you around.

I'm gonna miss being around.

So the tile will be here‐‐ So when's the tile gonna‐‐

Friday.

You know, remember,

don't close this door without the doorknob.

No, I won't. I won't.

And if you need anything, or you have any problems,

give me a call.

You know I will.

And maybe we can go out sometime?

Huh?

You want to have dinner with me?

Dinner? Me? Why?

We work so well together.

I was hoping we can go out

and see if there's anything here.

Well, I think what's here

is a little bit of an age difference.

It's kind of crazy, isn't it?

Yeah, but fun crazy.

I'm sorry. You're very sweet,

and, believe me, you have made my day,

but, um, I can't.

Ok.

I told myself I'd ask, so I asked.

See you around.

Ok.

Bye.

Man!

That got me hot, or I'm starting menopause.

So, was it menopause?

I'm just curious.

No, I was just thrown.

Mrs. Reeves? Mrs. Martin?

I'm afraid we lost him.

BOTH: What?!

But then we found him...

BOTH: On the third floor!

Thanks, Groucho and Chico.

(both grunt)

So anyway,

he called me the next day and asked me out again,

and I said no.

And then he sent me flowers, and I still said no.

And then I got sick,

and he came over, and he brought me soup.

How do you say no to soup?

So I agreed to have dinner with him.

And of course, you know, when you're a single woman,

you gotta buy a car.

The only thing that they'll show you is the makeup mirror.

Then when the refrigerator repairman comes,

he'll charge you an extra 150 bucks

for the privilege of looking at the crack in his ass.

I mean, it's like everyone assumes

just because you don't have a man,

you lose half your I. Q.

How infuriating.

Oh, that means it made you angry.

Oh, God, I've been yakking away for almost an hour.

I'm sorry. I just‐‐

I get very talkative when I'm nervous.

Oh, thank you.

So, um... Tell me about you.

Well, as you know, I work, like, six days a week.

How old are you?

32.

Oh, 32. That's not too bad.

26.

Ouch.

Problem?

Well, Riley,

every beautiful young girl in this restaurant

is checking you out, and they're all wondering

what are you doing with that older woman?

Who cares what they think?

I'd kind of like to know myself,

to tell you the truth.

We've known each other two months?

Mm‐hmm.

We think alike.

We finish each other's sentences.

You're amazing. You're beautiful.

You're funny. You know who you are.

If you were as young as those girls,

you probably wouldn't be all those things.

Wow.

(cell phone rings)

Oh, excuse me.

It's my daughter.

Hi, Allison. Oh, you smell gas?

Honey, it's ok. Just go to bed.

You sure you don't want to check on that?

Oh, no, no, no. That was my emergency call.

You know, in case this date turned out to be a disaster.

Oh. So you're saying you're not gonna ditch me?

No.

But, you know, I kind of can't help but wish

that we had met 20 years ago.

Of course, if we had,

I'd probably just be getting out of jail now.

And, you know, Riley, I just want to explain

that I met my husband when I was very young,

and I've really never been with anybody else.

And I mean that in the Biblical sense.

I don't even think I've ever kissed anybody‐‐

Hey, let me fix that.

(cell phone rings)

What?!

Oh, sweetie, I know you smell gas.

I told you I was fine.

Oh, really? Oh, honey, honey,

open a window and get out of the house.

I'll be right home.

Gee, I didn't think I would say this on our first date,

but you want to come back to my place?

Mom, I don't know if you were listening to your own story,

but it sounded like you're the one

who's uncomfortable with the age difference.

And by the way,

you didn't tell me about Riley's age.

I had to find out for myself.

Well, I was afraid how you'd react.

Which is exactly what he was worried about

in telling you guys.

Oh, I owe him an apology.

JOSH: Great.

I brought you guys even closer.

Exactly my plan.

I guess I owe Riley an apology, too.

I think you owe Fran an apology.

Oh, no, Donna.

Really, it's ok. I'm a mother, too.

I know you were just trying to protect him.

But you know what, we really have a lot in common.

I mean, I think we could be friends.

We both love Riley.

Um...We both love a refreshing breath strip.

We both saw the Moon Landing live.

Ok, everything went fine.

He's in recovery now, but he's a little groggy,

so just one visitor at a time.

OK. Oh.

You go.

No, no, no. You go, you go.

This way, in case he says "Mommy,"

he'll be right.

Nurse, would you do me a favor

and just take a look at my daughter's nose?

Yes!

Oh, my God!

It was a mail order piercing.

It's about to blow. Come with me.

Mom, are you coming?

I'm coming, baby. Are you kidding?

This is gonna be the best "I told you so" ever.

On the upside,

we got through my mother's first visit

with only a minor injury.

Yes.

On the downside,

she now knows where we live.

Well, you know, there's always gonna be people

that disapprove of our relationship.

I gave birth to one of them.

But we love each other, and we'll get through it.

Ha ha ha! I know.

Hey, did you get my e‐mail?

Who are you talking to?

It's Tom.

JOSH: Yeah.

Who knew there were so many ways

that blondes were dumber than brunettes?

You know, he is my dad.

And she's my mom. Deal.

FRAN: I told you so.

Ninety‐nine.

Well, I told you so.

OK.

Even hundred, huh?

Fine.

FRAN: I told you so.

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute