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1
00:00:03,254 --> 00:00:04,319
Okay!
2
00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,339
15 minutes till the kids' soccer game!
3
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:07,469
Everyone in the car!
4
00:00:07,470 --> 00:00:08,801
Asher, put down the wand!
5
00:00:08,802 --> 00:00:10,899
Hazel, stop making faces in the mirror!
6
00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:11,900
Dave, pick a hoodie!
7
00:00:11,901 --> 00:00:13,719
They all look the same!
8
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,080
All right.
9
00:00:16,340 --> 00:00:18,759
I got the cleats the
kids refuse to wear,
10
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,229
and I got the folding chairs
my parents refuse to sit in.
11
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:23,398
We don't have room for them.
12
00:00:23,399 --> 00:00:24,440
We'll just throw them in the trunk.
13
00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:26,443
No, not the chairs... your parents.
14
00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:28,269
Yay!
15
00:00:28,270 --> 00:00:30,072
I want to ride in the trunk again!
16
00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:31,339
Again?!
17
00:00:31,340 --> 00:00:33,366
How many times have you
ridden in the trunk, baby?
18
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:36,319
Oh, take a chill pill.
19
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,449
We never left the driveway.
20
00:00:38,450 --> 00:00:41,659
Yeah, we have a game where
we pretend they're luggage.
21
00:00:41,660 --> 00:00:43,154
Hazel is a Samsonite,
22
00:00:43,155 --> 00:00:45,712
- and Asher makes a great Tumi!
- [LAUGHS]
23
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,999
Okay, ignoring that.
24
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,249
Now, everybody, let's get in the car.
25
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,719
After I switch my hoodie.
I picked the wrong one.
26
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,259
Dave, focus!
27
00:00:53,260 --> 00:00:54,819
Everyone can't get in the car.
28
00:00:54,820 --> 00:00:56,053
There's not enough room.
29
00:00:56,054 --> 00:00:58,819
Oh, well, if it's any trouble,
I can always hoof it.
30
00:00:58,820 --> 00:01:01,189
No. No. Mom, absolutely not.
31
00:01:01,190 --> 00:01:02,499
Uh, we'll do this.
32
00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:03,840
Boys, you come with me.
33
00:01:03,850 --> 00:01:05,399
Mom, you go with Rebecca.
34
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,775
And Rebecca, this hoodie... yes or no?
35
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:09,019
I never care.
36
00:01:09,020 --> 00:01:11,029
Which car am I going in?
37
00:01:11,030 --> 00:01:12,219
You're coming to soccer?
38
00:01:12,220 --> 00:01:14,449
No. I'm going to brunch.
You guys can drop me on the way.
39
00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:16,784
I haven't had brunch in eight years.
40
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:17,911
Shotgun!
41
00:01:19,890 --> 00:01:21,629
Well, I'm gonna change my dress.
42
00:01:21,630 --> 00:01:24,542
I want to put something on
with a little more zhuzh.
43
00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:28,459
Ugh! This musical chairs of
cars is driving me insane.
44
00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:29,919
Yeah, but, babe, this is the last time
45
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,506
we're gonna have to do math
to get out of the house.
46
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,089
We're getting a minivan
47
00:01:33,090 --> 00:01:35,259
at the Groundhog Day Pop-Up Sales event,
48
00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:36,939
where the sales come out
to see their shadow
49
00:01:36,940 --> 00:01:38,679
and if they do, we get
six more weeks of sales.
50
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,019
Oh, my God, yes! That's right!
51
00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:42,599
I didn't realize that was this weekend!
52
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,449
That deal is so good, it makes me hot.
53
00:01:45,450 --> 00:01:47,608
I'm, like, physically excited.
54
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,986
Well, you know, that third
row folds into a bed, so...
55
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:54,113
Yeah, it does.
56
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,549
I'm ready!
57
00:01:55,550 --> 00:01:58,989
And I look amazing!
58
00:01:58,990 --> 00:02:00,679
Great.
59
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,519
Your mom is dressed for the Oscars
60
00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,582
to sit in wet grass for three hours.
61
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,417
What? They play on wet grass?
62
00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:07,619
Mom, it's soccer.
63
00:02:07,620 --> 00:02:09,710
Then I'm gonna have to change.
64
00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:12,548
Me too.
65
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,425
Wha... ?! [SCOFFS]
66
00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:15,885
I should change, too.
67
00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:17,279
[CHAIRS CLATTER]
68
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,499
? ?
69
00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:23,185
70
00:02:24,990 --> 00:02:26,139
- Hey.
- Hey.
71
00:02:26,140 --> 00:02:27,260
[KEYS CLATTER]
72
00:02:27,270 --> 00:02:28,645
Hey, Davey, you okay?
73
00:02:28,646 --> 00:02:29,739
Haven't seen you this upset
74
00:02:29,740 --> 00:02:30,899
since your mother washed your jeans
75
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:33,112
instead of putting them in the freezer.
76
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,719
It's 22-ounce Japanese denim.
77
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,157
It's not rocket science.
78
00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:39,949
But, no, you know that
big job I had lined up?
79
00:02:39,950 --> 00:02:41,899
It fell through, and now
I got to tell Rebecca
80
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:42,909
that we can't afford the minivan.
81
00:02:42,910 --> 00:02:45,199
Ugh! Oh, boy. I'm sorry.
82
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,809
I'd help you out, but, you know...
83
00:02:46,810 --> 00:02:48,080
I'm broke.
84
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:52,719
[CHUCKLES] I'm aware.
85
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:55,883
Rebecca is so sensitive about
financial stuff with us.
86
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,761
Why is that? [CHUCKLES]
87
00:03:00,220 --> 00:03:02,879
Well, I mean, if you get
so stressed out about it,
88
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,760
then, you know, just don't tell her.
89
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:07,099
[SCOFFS] Yeah, then what
am I gonna tell Rebecca
90
00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:08,600
about why we can't get a minivan?
91
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:11,639
Make up some excuse, you know?
92
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:14,159
Tell her that you're not a minivan man.
93
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:15,939
Just drag your feet for a little while.
94
00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:17,739
Come on. You'll get another job soon.
95
00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:19,824
Yeah, it's a way of protecting her,
96
00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:22,410
like [CHUCKLES] I always
did with your mom.
97
00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:23,953
You always did this?
98
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,809
Well, yeah. What do you think,
I told her when I lost
99
00:03:25,810 --> 00:03:27,659
the Kevin Bacon Bacon Maker account?
100
00:03:27,660 --> 00:03:32,329
Turns out, six degrees is
not enough to cook bacon.
101
00:03:32,330 --> 00:03:34,965
I just didn't want her
worrying that we'd go broke.
102
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,959
- But you did go broke.
- Yes, I know.
103
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,099
I know we did, but at least
she wasn't worried about it.
104
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:45,519
I mean, I spend my whole
life protecting your mother.
105
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,560
Yeah. Oh, you know my assistant, George?
106
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,687
Yeah. Mom said she spoke
to him like a week ago.
107
00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,315
No, she didn't. That was me.
108
00:03:52,910 --> 00:03:55,110
I had to let George go three years ago.
109
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:57,679
I pretend to be George
110
00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:00,198
on my secret second phone.
111
00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:01,919
Let me get this straight.
112
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,099
You have a second secret phone
113
00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:05,399
that you keep from Mom
114
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:06,759
to contact your assistant,
115
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:08,219
who you have since taken over for,
116
00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:09,699
and Mom does not know about this,
117
00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:12,479
because she still keeps
in contact with him,
118
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,599
and you can't tell her,
because that him,
119
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,257
who is your assistant, is also you?
120
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:19,669
What?
121
00:04:19,670 --> 00:04:23,049
? ?
122
00:04:23,050 --> 00:04:26,319
So, I know I said I'd never
be one of those people
123
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,979
who put stickers of their family
on the back car window,
124
00:04:28,980 --> 00:04:31,099
but I'm coming around.
125
00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:32,599
Ah!
126
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,649
Yeah. About that. Uh...
127
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:38,079
Are we sure we're ready to
be those kind of people?
128
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,079
I mean, we're kind of super
hip and young and cool.
129
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,239
We listen to Billie Eilish sometimes.
130
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:44,269
Yeah.
131
00:04:44,270 --> 00:04:46,740
And we learned about her
from our first grader.
132
00:04:47,830 --> 00:04:49,399
Come on. Don't fight it.
133
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,209
Don't you want sliding
doors, secret storage,
134
00:04:52,210 --> 00:04:54,210
our kids 10 feet behind
us while we're driving?
135
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:57,297
I think we should take a
beat, take things slow.
136
00:04:57,298 --> 00:04:58,299
Fine.
137
00:04:58,300 --> 00:05:00,189
We'll take a beat and take things slow.
138
00:05:00,190 --> 00:05:01,939
This coming from the guy
who proposed to me
139
00:05:01,940 --> 00:05:03,170
after the fifth date.
140
00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:06,760
It was the sixth date.
141
00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:07,989
You were still dating someone else.
142
00:05:07,990 --> 00:05:09,016
I had to lock you down.
143
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:15,229
? ?
144
00:05:15,230 --> 00:05:19,309
I cannot believe Dave
has minivan cold feet.
145
00:05:19,310 --> 00:05:20,820
I mean, I'm sorry.
146
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,599
He is my everything and a stunning star,
147
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,319
but that is just not okay.
148
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:29,179
He should just hold up
his end of the bargain
149
00:05:29,180 --> 00:05:31,199
and get the freakin' van.
150
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:32,539
Thank you, Deb!
151
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,819
A minivan will change my life.
152
00:05:34,820 --> 00:05:36,239
It has a vacuum,
153
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,462
and you know how I feel
about cleaning devices.
154
00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:40,799
I do. It's sad.
155
00:05:42,020 --> 00:05:43,968
You know, you should just get it.
156
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,799
Like, without telling Dave?
157
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,969
Now you're grabbing my drift.
158
00:05:47,970 --> 00:05:50,499
I mean, uh, there comes a time
159
00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:53,561
when a woman has to keep
a secret from her husband.
160
00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:54,812
I mean, not forever.
161
00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,439
Just until he's ready
162
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,400
for you to stop lying to him.
163
00:05:59,110 --> 00:06:00,234
I'm not following.
164
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:03,109
Okay, well, it was 1995,
165
00:06:03,110 --> 00:06:05,959
and we were supposed to
be going to Mardi Gras.
166
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,449
I love wearing masks.
167
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,749
He likes taking off his shirt.
168
00:06:09,750 --> 00:06:12,959
Well, suddenly, he comes down
with this nipple infection,
169
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,370
wants to cancel the trip.
170
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,919
[LAUGHING] Mom.
171
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,959
What is this story?!
172
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:21,839
The point being, I had
to come up with winning
173
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,499
a "fake radio contest,"
174
00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:26,439
and then we were dancing
down Bourbon Street,
175
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,388
having the time of our lives.
176
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:30,999
And that, ladies,
177
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:34,435
is how you keep a marriage
happy for decades.
178
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:35,853
Oh.
179
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:39,249
Okay, this story has a lot of holes.
180
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:41,719
But, I mean, it's true.
181
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,569
They are disgustingly happy.
182
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,799
See? Some secrets are fun.
183
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,157
Like my second phone.
184
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,699
Second phone?!
185
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:51,109
Why do you have that?
186
00:06:51,110 --> 00:06:53,859
Because, you know, the old phone
wouldn't let me download
187
00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:56,875
that great app that tells
you if it's dark outside.
188
00:06:56,876 --> 00:06:59,899
Chai latte for Madonna?
189
00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:02,171
Oh, that's me, hon!
I'll be there in a sec!
190
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:03,547
Madonna is not you.
191
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,769
Joanna, a little lie to Daddy,
192
00:07:05,770 --> 00:07:07,479
a little lie to the barista.
193
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,053
It's fun for me.
194
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,430
You're saying I should just get the car?
195
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,579
Uh-huh.
196
00:07:12,580 --> 00:07:13,840
Gimme a twenty.
197
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,559
Celebrities have to tip big.
198
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,820
? ?
199
00:07:21,220 --> 00:07:23,989
- [LAUGHING]
- I'm so excited!
200
00:07:23,990 --> 00:07:25,319
And so nervous!
201
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,919
What if Dave finds out?
202
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:28,489
Is this what having
an affair feels like?
203
00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:30,289
[LAUGHTER]
204
00:07:30,290 --> 00:07:32,899
I am so proud of you!
205
00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:35,299
You looked amazing in that minivan,
206
00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:37,079
like a real "yas queen"!
207
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:38,749
Ahh!
208
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,639
Sitting in that backseat was so great.
209
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:41,919
I didn't hear a word you guys said.
210
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,569
[LAUGHS]
211
00:07:44,570 --> 00:07:46,590
Oh, crap. Dave's wallet.
212
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:48,849
He was supposed to be at the job site.
213
00:07:48,850 --> 00:07:50,019
Oh, this is bad.
214
00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:51,471
Why didn't I think this through?!
215
00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:54,020
Okay, just calm down. Calm down.
216
00:07:54,021 --> 00:07:56,100
David wants that minivan.
217
00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:58,919
Joanna, drive the van down the block.
218
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,419
- Park it there.
- I got you.
219
00:08:00,420 --> 00:08:01,460
Oh, I'm excited to try out
220
00:08:01,470 --> 00:08:03,357
that new hands-free
automated parallel parking.
221
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:04,568
It doesn't have that.
222
00:08:04,569 --> 00:08:06,260
Okay. I'll figure it out.
223
00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:09,459
[DAVE AND STEW LAUGHING]
224
00:08:09,460 --> 00:08:10,689
Okay. Relax.
225
00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:11,940
- Act normal.
- Okay.
226
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,576
They have no idea what happened today.
227
00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:15,036
Cool. I'm normal.
228
00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:17,339
Oh, crap, we are wearing
all this car swag.
229
00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:18,609
Oh, my God! Get it off.
230
00:08:18,610 --> 00:08:19,989
Gimme, gimme!
231
00:08:19,990 --> 00:08:21,001
And this.
232
00:08:22,350 --> 00:08:23,699
DAVE: [CHUCKLES] Yeah?
233
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:26,099
Uh, a nipple infection
is nothing to sneeze at.
234
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,466
- Oh, hi!
- Hey.
235
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:29,469
Hey!
236
00:08:29,470 --> 00:08:31,010
What are you guys doing home so early?
237
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,804
I thought you were at the new job site.
238
00:08:32,805 --> 00:08:34,379
Actually...
239
00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:36,807
Eh, they went and changed
the time on him. Losers.
240
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:38,889
[LAUGHING]
241
00:08:38,890 --> 00:08:41,480
[UNDER BREATH] Eh, you
gotta stay one step ahead.
242
00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:43,879
What are you guys doing today?
243
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:47,019
Just got home from some shopping.
244
00:08:47,020 --> 00:08:48,820
Shopping. Yeah, shopping.
245
00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:51,359
Where are the bags?
246
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:54,039
- Um...
- Online.
247
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:55,410
We shopped online.
248
00:08:56,310 --> 00:09:00,082
Outside, 'cause there
was a Wi-Fi malfunction.
249
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:03,739
[LAUGHING] Whatever.
250
00:09:03,740 --> 00:09:05,389
Oh! Don't go there!
251
00:09:05,390 --> 00:09:07,089
Don't... I'm hungry.
252
00:09:07,090 --> 00:09:10,879
I know, sweetie, but, uh,
the spinach had listeria,
253
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,840
and I've quarantined
the whole refrigerator
254
00:09:12,850 --> 00:09:16,222
until Rebecca has the
chance to clean it all out.
255
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,099
Doesn't listeria only
affect pregnant women?
256
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:19,643
- I'm pregnant.
- What?!
257
00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:24,169
No, I didn't mean that. [LAUGHS]
258
00:09:24,170 --> 00:09:25,479
Silly me.
259
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,360
I'm hysterical from the listeria.
260
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:32,321
I'm "listerical."
261
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:33,656
Go talk to Daddy.
262
00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:35,080
All right.
263
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,036
I'm so good.
264
00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:43,359
? ?
265
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,249
- Hey, babe.
- Hi!
266
00:09:45,250 --> 00:09:46,711
Hey, I haven't even asked you.
267
00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:48,659
How's the big new job going?
268
00:09:48,660 --> 00:09:51,360
So good, so big, so new.
269
00:09:53,270 --> 00:09:55,846
It's like the biggest, newest,
so good job I've ever had.
270
00:09:55,847 --> 00:09:57,299
[CHUCKLES]
271
00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:59,199
Hey, I wanted to talk to you about, uh,
272
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,039
what happened with the
minivan the other day.
273
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,479
I just want to make sure
that you're not upset
274
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,519
'cause I know I threw a
wrench in your plans, and...
275
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,315
- Oh...
- I want to thank you for bearing with me.
276
00:10:07,316 --> 00:10:10,944
Yeah. No. You take all
the time you need.
277
00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:13,840
Do I have the best wife or what?
278
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,299
And when you're ready,
279
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:18,450
I'll go down and pick up the van myself.
280
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,859
Oh! [SCOFFS] And she
does all the legwork.
281
00:10:20,860 --> 00:10:22,479
Get you one that can do both, Dave.
282
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:23,769
[BOTH LAUGH]
283
00:10:23,770 --> 00:10:25,829
Yeah, I'm a good egg.
284
00:10:25,830 --> 00:10:27,960
Um, just an FYI...
285
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,379
because these vans
have been test-driven,
286
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,899
it may feel a little used.
287
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,217
And smell like your mom.
288
00:10:34,218 --> 00:10:35,940
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
289
00:10:35,950 --> 00:10:37,720
Do we have the perfect marriage?
290
00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:39,579
[CHUCKLING] Yeah.
291
00:10:39,580 --> 00:10:41,300
Built on a foundation of trust.
292
00:10:42,820 --> 00:10:47,489
? ?
293
00:10:47,490 --> 00:10:49,939
Hey, uh, how's things
going with Rebecca?
294
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,650
Oh, great.
295
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,611
She's so happy, it's like
she already has a minivan.
296
00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:55,571
[LAUGHS]
297
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,572
Now all I have to do
is get a job. [SIGHS]
298
00:10:57,573 --> 00:10:58,759
But the good news is,
299
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:00,159
I met with someone today whose house
300
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,169
is filled to the brim with asbestos,
301
00:11:02,170 --> 00:11:03,599
so they really need me.
302
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:04,739
Oh, that's good.
303
00:11:04,740 --> 00:11:06,708
'Cause where there's
asbestos, there's lead.
304
00:11:08,210 --> 00:11:09,583
Oh, what, is that his number?
305
00:11:09,584 --> 00:11:11,670
- Yeah.
- Hey, what do you think?
306
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,199
Should I have my assistant,
George, make the call for you?
307
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,669
It'll seem really professional.
308
00:11:16,670 --> 00:11:18,499
I think George should do
nothing of the sort...
309
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,919
- Eh, let's let George make the call.
- I would really prefer George
310
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,015
- just stay where he is.
- Oh, George is already dialing.
311
00:11:22,016 --> 00:11:23,789
- George... Hey! George!
- What?! Whoa!
312
00:11:23,790 --> 00:11:25,319
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
313
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:26,359
- Damn it!
- Hey! Stop!
314
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,890
- [METAL CRUNCHING]
- No!
315
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,019
- [SIGHS]
- God.
316
00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:33,019
Rebecca is gonna freak out.
317
00:11:33,020 --> 00:11:34,519
Okay, no, she's not. You know why?
318
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:35,609
Because she...
319
00:11:35,610 --> 00:11:37,699
is never gonna find out.
320
00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:38,859
No, please, no more secrets.
321
00:11:38,860 --> 00:11:40,379
No, just trust me. Just trust me.
322
00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:42,809
Okay, we are gonna leave a note
323
00:11:42,810 --> 00:11:45,119
with my second phone number on it.
324
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,719
And that way, the neighbors
will never know it's you,
325
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,299
you won't have to go through insurance,
326
00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:52,179
and Rebecca will never find out.
327
00:11:52,180 --> 00:11:54,713
[CLICKS TONGUE]
I always did it like that.
328
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,479
You always did it like that?
329
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:57,639
What does that... How many accidents
330
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,092
have you been in that you
didn't tell Mom about?
331
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:00,259
Here or overseas?
332
00:12:00,260 --> 00:12:02,420
What? Why were you overseas?
333
00:12:06,540 --> 00:12:08,039
Deb!
334
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,379
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- We got a problem!
335
00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:11,140
Someone hit my new minivan!
336
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:13,990
Oh, no!
337
00:12:13,995 --> 00:12:18,112
Guh! I don't know if I can keep
spinning this web of lies.
338
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:19,571
Look, here's what we're gonna do.
339
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:23,617
Let's text this stupid driver
with my second phone.
340
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,494
Why would we have to do that?
341
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:27,049
Well, think about it, Rebecca.
342
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:28,849
It's probably a neighbor.
343
00:12:28,850 --> 00:12:30,291
Your neighbors talk.
344
00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:33,794
And that Juan Pablo...
he loves to gossip.
345
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:35,129
So do you!
346
00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:38,424
I know. His girlfriend...
moving to Montreal.
347
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,968
Okay, Debbie, what's the plan?
348
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:42,739
They're gonna fly back and forth,
349
00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:45,340
but it's never gonna work.
350
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:47,349
No, that's not what I mean.
351
00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:49,649
Oh, okay. Here's what we're gonna do.
352
00:12:49,650 --> 00:12:53,522
You're just going to keep
it between me and you.
353
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,469
- We're gonna cut out the insurance.
- Okay.
354
00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:56,619
And I'll tell Juan Pablo,
355
00:12:56,620 --> 00:12:58,319
'cause this is some hot goss.
356
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:02,259
? ?
357
00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:04,060
[CHUCKLES]
358
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,620
- What's the deal?
- Hey.
359
00:13:07,630 --> 00:13:09,785
I'm texting the gentleman
whose car we hit
360
00:13:09,786 --> 00:13:11,319
about when we're gonna meet.
361
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,039
N-Now? We're about
to sit down to dinner.
362
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,084
Rebecca's right there.
363
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:15,739
Oh, [SCOFFS] c'mon, Davey.
364
00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:17,139
You really gotta learn
365
00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:21,249
how to lie with your wife in the room.
366
00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:22,579
It's like the Old Testament says...
367
00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:24,888
"Lie with your wife."
368
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:29,259
That is not what that means.
369
00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:32,619
Okay, so I told the
idiot that hit your car
370
00:13:32,620 --> 00:13:34,499
to meet us at Java Town.
371
00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:36,019
There's a lot of cameras there.
372
00:13:36,020 --> 00:13:38,039
So, God forbid they kill you,
373
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,943
we'll have film on it.
374
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:41,571
They could kill me?!
375
00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:45,159
Rebecca, you're in pretty deep.
376
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,939
I mean, we don't know these people.
377
00:13:46,940 --> 00:13:48,559
Anything could happen.
378
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:51,706
But don't worry. I'll take care of Dave.
379
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:54,940
- [CELLPHONE BUZZES]
- Oh! Okay.
380
00:13:54,950 --> 00:13:57,399
They want to meet at the coffee
shop by Pup Cuts tomorrow.
381
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,239
We just need to pick a time.
382
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:00,340
Tell them 3:00.
383
00:14:00,350 --> 00:14:01,979
That's when Rebecca picks
Asher up from school.
384
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:03,959
Oh, boy. You're getting good at this.
385
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,303
I'm proud of you for lying.
386
00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:07,639
You're turning into a real man.
387
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,060
[CELLPHONE BUZZES]
388
00:14:11,061 --> 00:14:12,394
We're good for 3:00.
389
00:14:12,395 --> 00:14:14,309
Oh. Hey, Dave?
390
00:14:14,310 --> 00:14:15,640
- Uh, yeah, baby?
- Hey.
391
00:14:15,650 --> 00:14:17,648
Can you pick up Asher
from school tomorrow?
392
00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:19,599
Ooh, uh...
393
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,429
Yeah, it's just that I carried
him for nine months,
394
00:14:21,430 --> 00:14:23,696
so I think you can pick
him up one afternoon.
395
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:24,799
- Yeah.
- 'Kay.
396
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,200
- Of course. I love you.
- Love you.
397
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,119
- [CELLPHONE BUZZES]
- Ah, tomorrow at 3:00 is a go.
398
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,349
Tomorrow at 3:00 is a no-go.
399
00:14:32,350 --> 00:14:34,039
I gotta pick up Asher. Tell them 4:00.
400
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,125
Roger. Copy. Roger.
401
00:14:36,126 --> 00:14:38,920
Every saying you say is not a saying.
402
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,881
[CELLPHONE BUZZES]
403
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,258
Oy, we have a problem.
404
00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:46,218
Ugh! Tell them we can do it.
405
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,344
- Yeah?
- Dave!
406
00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:48,749
- Oh, uh, yeah?
- Hey, honey.
407
00:14:48,750 --> 00:14:50,431
- Hi!
- Um, so, tomorrow,
408
00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:51,839
I'll pick up Asher from school,
409
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,601
but can you watch him around 4:00?
410
00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:54,686
- Yyyeah.
- Yeah?
411
00:14:55,810 --> 00:14:57,680
- Love you.
- Love you.
412
00:14:58,540 --> 00:14:59,980
[PANTING] Crap. Damn it.
413
00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:01,379
Can't do 4:00. Have to do 5:00.
414
00:15:01,380 --> 00:15:03,149
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
415
00:15:03,150 --> 00:15:05,696
I think I'm having a heart attack.
416
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:07,573
Debbie, I am sweating.
417
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:10,389
You need a doctor.
418
00:15:10,390 --> 00:15:12,229
Now pull it together.
419
00:15:12,230 --> 00:15:14,779
You look good with a shine.
420
00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:17,939
Hey, Mom, can I go to Brad's
house after school tomorrow?
421
00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:19,949
- Uh, will his parents pick you up?
- I think so.
422
00:15:19,950 --> 00:15:21,399
- Hell, yeah!
- Oh, perfect!
423
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,088
- [LAUGHS]
- That's great.
424
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:25,299
- We are good for 3:00.
- Good for 3:00.
425
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:26,800
- What was that, babe?
- Did you say something?
426
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:28,239
- I didn't say anything.
- I didn't.
427
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:34,619
? ?
428
00:15:34,620 --> 00:15:36,469
- I got job news.
- Oh, hey.
429
00:15:36,470 --> 00:15:38,169
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
[CLEARS THROAT]
430
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:39,189
Debbie!
431
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,569
Rebecca?
432
00:15:42,570 --> 00:15:43,610
Ghost couple?
433
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,113
All right, go ahead.
434
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,039
I got that asbestos j...
435
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,868
Did you say "ghost couple"?
436
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,939
Yeah. I see things sometimes.
437
00:15:54,940 --> 00:15:57,039
Don't worry about it. But see?
438
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,624
I told you everything
was gonna work out.
439
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,809
Pushing past a lot right now.
440
00:16:00,810 --> 00:16:02,539
But, yes, it is all working out,
441
00:16:02,540 --> 00:16:05,039
and now I get to tell Rebecca
that we can get the minivan.
442
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,759
[CHUCKLING] No. Don't tell her. No.
443
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,426
You got to surprise
her with the minivan.
444
00:16:08,427 --> 00:16:12,137
I don't know. I mean... a surprise?
445
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:13,580
Shouldn't I consult my wife
446
00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:15,016
- before I make a huge purchase?
- Oh, brother.
447
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:16,199
No, no, no, no.
448
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,559
You surprise her with the minivan.
449
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,379
Come on. Make it like one
of those commercials
450
00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:21,188
where they put a big red
bow on it, you know?
451
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:23,509
And the moms are standing
there in their bikinis,
452
00:16:23,510 --> 00:16:25,735
and the pizza guy comes over, right?
453
00:16:25,736 --> 00:16:29,739
This commercial you're
describing took a hard left.
454
00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:32,759
But a surprise does sound good.
455
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,539
I mean, we could stop by the dealership
456
00:16:34,540 --> 00:16:35,744
on our way to meet that guy at 3:00.
457
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,413
[CLAPS] That's great. Let's go!
458
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:44,989
I tell you, that minivan
459
00:16:44,990 --> 00:16:46,879
- drives like a dream.
- Yeah.
460
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,599
Can't believe I had to
pretend I never wanted it.
461
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,051
Yeah, and I'm gonna use this
umbrella every time it rains.
462
00:16:51,052 --> 00:16:54,149
Oh, crap. I left it at the dealership.
463
00:16:54,150 --> 00:16:56,299
We just got to figure out
which one of these lunatics
464
00:16:56,300 --> 00:16:58,141
drives a minivan with no car seats.
465
00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:59,959
But I don't think they're here.
466
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,220
- Should we text them?
- No, not yet.
467
00:17:03,460 --> 00:17:05,039
Oh, my God, it's Rebecca and Mom.
468
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,219
- We got to... We got to hide.
- Oh, what are you, nuts?
469
00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:08,679
Stop it. Come on.
470
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,979
Just... It's perfectly
natural for us to be here.
471
00:17:10,980 --> 00:17:12,299
It's right next to Pup Cuts.
472
00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:13,404
We come here all the time.
473
00:17:13,405 --> 00:17:15,119
It's Dave and Stew. Act natural.
474
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:17,245
- Hey, sexy!
- [CHUCKLES]
475
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:20,831
We're just having some lady latte time.
476
00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,479
Oh, please, don't let us interrupt.
477
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,501
We're just having our
macchiato man time.
478
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:27,379
- [LAUGHS]
- Love my boys.
479
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:30,299
Where is this psycho?
480
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,489
We should text them, you know,
481
00:17:31,490 --> 00:17:32,919
before Rebecca and Mom get suspicious.
482
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,469
Roger. Copy. Roger.
483
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,680
Please stop saying that. Please!
484
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:38,700
[CELLPHONE DINGS]
485
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:42,979
Oh! He says he's here.
486
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:44,810
Is he parking or here here?
487
00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:46,779
I don't know. I'll ask this idiot.
488
00:17:46,780 --> 00:17:48,189
Yeah.
489
00:17:48,190 --> 00:17:49,459
They're here.
490
00:17:49,460 --> 00:17:51,699
- They say they're here.
- I don't see them.
491
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:52,889
Maybe ask them to stand up
492
00:17:52,890 --> 00:17:53,906
- and wave or something.
- All right.
493
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:57,160
Maybe I'll ask them to stand
up and wave or something.
494
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,699
[CELLPHONE DINGS]
495
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:02,219
Hey, sweetie!
496
00:18:02,220 --> 00:18:03,369
Hi, honey!
497
00:18:03,370 --> 00:18:04,539
[BOTH LAUGH]
498
00:18:04,540 --> 00:18:05,709
I still don't see them.
499
00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:06,752
They're not here.
500
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,503
Oh, yes, they are.
501
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:10,298
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
502
00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:19,639
[LAUGHS]
503
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,639
Your life sucks.
504
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,869
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
505
00:18:22,870 --> 00:18:25,854
? ?
506
00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:28,879
So, we went from having
two cars and no minivans
507
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:32,419
to no cars and two minivans?
508
00:18:32,420 --> 00:18:34,379
That is our current car situation.
509
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,149
Well, how?
510
00:18:36,150 --> 00:18:37,199
I'll start from the beginning.
511
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,786
Y-You know that big job I had lined up?
512
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:41,662
It fell through.
513
00:18:41,663 --> 00:18:43,429
What? Why didn't you tell me?
514
00:18:43,430 --> 00:18:44,456
Well, I didn't want to worry you,
515
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,899
but we couldn't afford the minivan,
516
00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:48,290
so I dragged my feet till
something else came along.
517
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:51,289
Dave, you don't have
to protect me like that.
518
00:18:51,290 --> 00:18:53,210
We do our worrying together.
519
00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:54,800
I guess my dad just got in my head.
520
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,779
Yeah, and your mom got in mine.
521
00:18:56,780 --> 00:18:59,709
I was just upset when it seemed
like you were backing out.
522
00:18:59,710 --> 00:19:01,766
And your mom is very convincing.
523
00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:03,379
- I know.
- [SIGHS]
524
00:19:03,380 --> 00:19:05,720
You know I took her to my prom?
525
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,770
My girlfriend was pissed.
526
00:19:09,590 --> 00:19:11,818
Maybe I shouldn't have
told you that secret.
527
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,029
No. Keeping secrets is
what your parents do,
528
00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:18,699
- not us.
- And I love that about us.
529
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,826
You know, I love that we
tell each other everything.
530
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:23,000
Aww. Me too.
531
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,833
Are you making love yet?
532
00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:29,379
[SIGHS]
533
00:19:29,380 --> 00:19:30,709
No, thankfully,
534
00:19:30,710 --> 00:19:32,505
since you're staring at us.
535
00:19:32,506 --> 00:19:35,882
Well, whenever we want
to make up from a fight,
536
00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:38,760
we like to make love first
and use words later.
537
00:19:38,761 --> 00:19:41,359
Yeah, 'cause when the
lovemaking's really good,
538
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,759
sometimes you don't need the words.
539
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,017
Which is most of the time.
540
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,959
[BOTH LAUGH]
541
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,929
Guys!
542
00:19:49,930 --> 00:19:52,269
Oh, we wanted to say we're sorry.
543
00:19:52,270 --> 00:19:54,539
You know, we do things our way,
544
00:19:54,540 --> 00:19:56,799
but that may or may not work for you.
545
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,799
Like having secret cellphones.
546
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,639
[BOTH LAUGH]
547
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:02,951
It's really very cute.
548
00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:05,439
But we'll try to keep some
of our advice to ourselves
549
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:06,455
from now on.
550
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:08,624
We know you both meant well. It's okay.
551
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:10,877
- Oh.
- Oh.
552
00:20:11,580 --> 00:20:13,250
No. Just go. No, I don't...
553
00:20:13,254 --> 00:20:14,650
No, no, no, no! Oh, God, I...
554
00:20:14,651 --> 00:20:17,439
? ?
555
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:18,879
How great is this, babe?
556
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,509
My whole family in one car,
557
00:20:21,510 --> 00:20:23,259
grabbing takeout...
558
00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:24,999
that we could've had delivered...
559
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,225
or at least eaten there.
560
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,019
Hey, Dave, could you
turn the heat on my feet
561
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,939
and blow the AC on my hands?
562
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,769
I'm trying to keep the wontons warm
563
00:20:33,770 --> 00:20:36,009
and cool off my soup.
564
00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:39,039
Hey, Rebecca, can you pass
some soy sauce back here?
565
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,823
These ribs are dry, and I spilled
the soy sauce back here.
566
00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,319
Wha... ?!
567
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,076
Mom, would you top off my fried rice?
568
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,419
- I got it.
- I-I spilled my fried rice.
569
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:49,369
Guys, stop spilling!
570
00:20:49,370 --> 00:20:50,799
This is a brand-new van!
571
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,959
The food'll still be warm in 12 minutes.
572
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,544
What's the down-low with the lo mein?
573
00:20:54,545 --> 00:20:56,569
Very down low. It's all over the floor.
574
00:20:56,570 --> 00:20:59,459
- [GASPS]
- Guys! This is a new van.
575
00:20:59,460 --> 00:21:00,899
Even though we've already dented it
576
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:02,519
and Hazel has already thrown up in it,
577
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:03,869
it is a new van.
578
00:21:03,870 --> 00:21:06,557
Dave, I'm really loving your
back-up camera, though.
579
00:21:07,420 --> 00:21:08,579
What back-up camera?
580
00:21:08,580 --> 00:21:10,439
There's no back-up...
581
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:11,579
That's the DVD player.
582
00:21:11,580 --> 00:21:13,129
You're watching "Toy Story 4."
583
00:21:13,130 --> 00:21:15,809
Ooh! Where's Tom Hanks?
584
00:21:15,810 --> 00:21:17,379
You're not gonna see Tom Hanks.
585
00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:18,699
It's animated.
586
00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:20,589
Mr. Potato Head looks Jewish.
587
00:21:20,590 --> 00:21:22,249
? ?
588
00:21:22,250 --> 00:21:26,244
589
00:21:26,294 --> 00:21:30,844
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