Original subtitles

Okay!

15 minutes till the kids' soccer game!

Everyone in the car!

Asher, put down the wand!

Hazel, stop making faces in the mirror!

Dave, pick a hoodie!

They all look the same!

All right.

I got the cleats the kids refuse to wear,

and I got the folding chairs my parents refuse to sit in.

We don't have room for them.

We'll just throw them in the trunk.

No, not the chairs... your parents.

Yay!

I want to ride in the trunk again!

Again?!

How many times have you ridden in the trunk, baby?

Oh, take a chill pill.

We never left the driveway.

Yeah, we have a game where we pretend they're luggage.

Hazel is a Samsonite,

- and Asher makes a great Tumi! - [LAUGHS]

Okay, ignoring that.

Now, everybody, let's get in the car.

After I switch my hoodie. I picked the wrong one.

Dave, focus!

Everyone can't get in the car.

There's not enough room.

Oh, well, if it's any trouble, I can always hoof it.

No. No. Mom, absolutely not.

Uh, we'll do this.

Boys, you come with me.

Mom, you go with Rebecca.

And Rebecca, this hoodie... yes or no?

I never care.

Which car am I going in?

You're coming to soccer?

No. I'm going to brunch. You guys can drop me on the way.

I haven't had brunch in eight years.

Shotgun!

Well, I'm gonna change my dress.

I want to put something on with a little more zhuzh.

Ugh! This musical chairs of cars is driving me insane.

Yeah, but, babe, this is the last time

we're gonna have to do math to get out of the house.

We're getting a minivan

at the Groundhog Day Pop-Up Sales event,

where the sales come out to see their shadow

and if they do, we get six more weeks of sales.

Oh, my God, yes! That's right!

I didn't realize that was this weekend!

That deal is so good, it makes me hot.

I'm, like, physically excited.

Well, you know, that third row folds into a bed, so...

Yeah, it does.

I'm ready!

And I look amazing!

Great.

Your mom is dressed for the Oscars

to sit in wet grass for three hours.

What? They play on wet grass?

Mom, it's soccer.

Then I'm gonna have to change.

Me too.

Wha... ?! [SCOFFS]

I should change, too.

[CHAIRS CLATTER]

? ?

- Hey. - Hey.

[KEYS CLATTER]

Hey, Davey, you okay?

Haven't seen you this upset

since your mother washed your jeans

instead of putting them in the freezer.

It's 22-ounce Japanese denim.

It's not rocket science.

But, no, you know that big job I had lined up?

It fell through, and now I got to tell Rebecca

that we can't afford the minivan.

Ugh! Oh, boy. I'm sorry.

I'd help you out, but, you know...

I'm broke.

[CHUCKLES] I'm aware.

Rebecca is so sensitive about financial stuff with us.

Why is that? [CHUCKLES]

Well, I mean, if you get so stressed out about it,

then, you know, just don't tell her.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, then what am I gonna tell Rebecca

about why we can't get a minivan?

Make up some excuse, you know?

Tell her that you're not a minivan man.

Just drag your feet for a little while.

Come on. You'll get another job soon.

Yeah, it's a way of protecting her,

like [CHUCKLES] I always did with your mom.

You always did this?

Well, yeah. What do you think, I told her when I lost

the Kevin Bacon Bacon Maker account?

Turns out, six degrees is not enough to cook bacon.

I just didn't want her worrying that we'd go broke.

- But you did go broke. - Yes, I know.

I know we did, but at least she wasn't worried about it.

I mean, I spend my whole life protecting your mother.

Yeah. Oh, you know my assistant, George?

Yeah. Mom said she spoke to him like a week ago.

No, she didn't. That was me.

I had to let George go three years ago.

I pretend to be George

on my secret second phone.

Let me get this straight.

You have a second secret phone

that you keep from Mom

to contact your assistant,

who you have since taken over for,

and Mom does not know about this,

because she still keeps in contact with him,

and you can't tell her, because that him,

who is your assistant, is also you?

What?

? ?

So, I know I said I'd never be one of those people

who put stickers of their family on the back car window,

but I'm coming around.

Ah!

Yeah. About that. Uh...

Are we sure we're ready to be those kind of people?

I mean, we're kind of super hip and young and cool.

We listen to Billie Eilish sometimes.

Yeah.

And we learned about her from our first grader.

Come on. Don't fight it.

Don't you want sliding doors, secret storage,

our kids 10 feet behind us while we're driving?

I think we should take a beat, take things slow.

Fine.

We'll take a beat and take things slow.

This coming from the guy who proposed to me

after the fifth date.

It was the sixth date.

You were still dating someone else.

I had to lock you down.

? ?

I cannot believe Dave has minivan cold feet.

I mean, I'm sorry.

He is my everything and a stunning star,

but that is just not okay.

He should just hold up his end of the bargain

and get the freakin' van.

Thank you, Deb!

A minivan will change my life.

It has a vacuum,

and you know how I feel about cleaning devices.

I do. It's sad.

You know, you should just get it.

Like, without telling Dave?

Now you're grabbing my drift.

I mean, uh, there comes a time

when a woman has to keep a secret from her husband.

I mean, not forever.

Just until he's ready

for you to stop lying to him.

I'm not following.

Okay, well, it was 1995,

and we were supposed to be going to Mardi Gras.

I love wearing masks.

He likes taking off his shirt.

Well, suddenly, he comes down with this nipple infection,

wants to cancel the trip.

[LAUGHING] Mom.

What is this story?!

The point being, I had to come up with winning

a "fake radio contest,"

and then we were dancing down Bourbon Street,

having the time of our lives.

And that, ladies,

is how you keep a marriage happy for decades.

Oh.

Okay, this story has a lot of holes.

But, I mean, it's true.

They are disgustingly happy.

See? Some secrets are fun.

Like my second phone.

Second phone?!

Why do you have that?

Because, you know, the old phone wouldn't let me download

that great app that tells you if it's dark outside.

Chai latte for Madonna?

Oh, that's me, hon! I'll be there in a sec!

Madonna is not you.

Joanna, a little lie to Daddy,

a little lie to the barista.

It's fun for me.

You're saying I should just get the car?

Uh-huh.

Gimme a twenty.

Celebrities have to tip big.

? ?

- [LAUGHING] - I'm so excited!

And so nervous!

What if Dave finds out?

Is this what having an affair feels like?

[LAUGHTER]

I am so proud of you!

You looked amazing in that minivan,

like a real "yas queen"!

Ahh!

Sitting in that backseat was so great.

I didn't hear a word you guys said.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, crap. Dave's wallet.

He was supposed to be at the job site.

Oh, this is bad.

Why didn't I think this through?!

Okay, just calm down. Calm down.

David wants that minivan.

Joanna, drive the van down the block.

- Park it there. - I got you.

Oh, I'm excited to try out

that new hands-free automated parallel parking.

It doesn't have that.

Okay. I'll figure it out.

[DAVE AND STEW LAUGHING]

Okay. Relax.

- Act normal. - Okay.

They have no idea what happened today.

Cool. I'm normal.

Oh, crap, we are wearing all this car swag.

Oh, my God! Get it off.

Gimme, gimme!

And this.

DAVE: [CHUCKLES] Yeah?

Uh, a nipple infection is nothing to sneeze at.

- Oh, hi! - Hey.

Hey!

What are you guys doing home so early?

I thought you were at the new job site.

Actually...

Eh, they went and changed the time on him. Losers.

[LAUGHING]

[UNDER BREATH] Eh, you gotta stay one step ahead.

What are you guys doing today?

Just got home from some shopping.

Shopping. Yeah, shopping.

Where are the bags?

- Um... - Online.

We shopped online.

Outside, 'cause there was a Wi-Fi malfunction.

[LAUGHING] Whatever.

Oh! Don't go there!

Don't... I'm hungry.

I know, sweetie, but, uh, the spinach had listeria,

and I've quarantined the whole refrigerator

until Rebecca has the chance to clean it all out.

Doesn't listeria only affect pregnant women?

- I'm pregnant. - What?!

No, I didn't mean that. [LAUGHS]

Silly me.

I'm hysterical from the listeria.

I'm "listerical."

Go talk to Daddy.

All right.

I'm so good.

? ?

- Hey, babe. - Hi!

Hey, I haven't even asked you.

How's the big new job going?

So good, so big, so new.

It's like the biggest, newest, so good job I've ever had.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about, uh,

what happened with the minivan the other day.

I just want to make sure that you're not upset

'cause I know I threw a wrench in your plans, and...

- Oh... - I want to thank you for bearing with me.

Yeah. No. You take all the time you need.

Do I have the best wife or what?

And when you're ready,

I'll go down and pick up the van myself.

Oh! [SCOFFS] And she does all the legwork.

Get you one that can do both, Dave.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, I'm a good egg.

Um, just an FYI...

because these vans have been test-driven,

it may feel a little used.

And smell like your mom.

[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

Do we have the perfect marriage?

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

Built on a foundation of trust.

? ?

Hey, uh, how's things going with Rebecca?

Oh, great.

She's so happy, it's like she already has a minivan.

[LAUGHS]

Now all I have to do is get a job. [SIGHS]

But the good news is,

I met with someone today whose house

is filled to the brim with asbestos,

so they really need me.

Oh, that's good.

'Cause where there's asbestos, there's lead.

Oh, what, is that his number?

- Yeah. - Hey, what do you think?

Should I have my assistant, George, make the call for you?

It'll seem really professional.

I think George should do nothing of the sort...

- Eh, let's let George make the call. - I would really prefer George

- just stay where he is. - Oh, George is already dialing.

- George... Hey! George! - What?! Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Damn it! - Hey! Stop!

- [METAL CRUNCHING] - No!

- [SIGHS] - God.

Rebecca is gonna freak out.

Okay, no, she's not. You know why?

Because she...

is never gonna find out.

No, please, no more secrets.

No, just trust me. Just trust me.

Okay, we are gonna leave a note

with my second phone number on it.

And that way, the neighbors will never know it's you,

you won't have to go through insurance,

and Rebecca will never find out.

[CLICKS TONGUE] I always did it like that.

You always did it like that?

What does that... How many accidents

have you been in that you didn't tell Mom about?

Here or overseas?

What? Why were you overseas?

Deb!

- [DOOR SLAMS] - We got a problem!

Someone hit my new minivan!

Oh, no!

Guh! I don't know if I can keep spinning this web of lies.

Look, here's what we're gonna do.

Let's text this stupid driver with my second phone.

Why would we have to do that?

Well, think about it, Rebecca.

It's probably a neighbor.

Your neighbors talk.

And that Juan Pablo... he loves to gossip.

So do you!

I know. His girlfriend... moving to Montreal.

Okay, Debbie, what's the plan?

They're gonna fly back and forth,

but it's never gonna work.

No, that's not what I mean.

Oh, okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

You're just going to keep it between me and you.

- We're gonna cut out the insurance. - Okay.

And I'll tell Juan Pablo,

'cause this is some hot goss.

? ?

[CHUCKLES]

- What's the deal? - Hey.

I'm texting the gentleman whose car we hit

about when we're gonna meet.

N-Now? We're about to sit down to dinner.

Rebecca's right there.

Oh, [SCOFFS] c'mon, Davey.

You really gotta learn

how to lie with your wife in the room.

It's like the Old Testament says...

"Lie with your wife."

That is not what that means.

Okay, so I told the idiot that hit your car

to meet us at Java Town.

There's a lot of cameras there.

So, God forbid they kill you,

we'll have film on it.

They could kill me?!

Rebecca, you're in pretty deep.

I mean, we don't know these people.

Anything could happen.

But don't worry. I'll take care of Dave.

- [CELLPHONE BUZZES] - Oh! Okay.

They want to meet at the coffee shop by Pup Cuts tomorrow.

We just need to pick a time.

Tell them 3:00.

That's when Rebecca picks Asher up from school.

Oh, boy. You're getting good at this.

I'm proud of you for lying.

You're turning into a real man.

[CELLPHONE BUZZES]

We're good for 3:00.

Oh. Hey, Dave?

- Uh, yeah, baby? - Hey.

Can you pick up Asher from school tomorrow?

Ooh, uh...

Yeah, it's just that I carried him for nine months,

so I think you can pick him up one afternoon.

- Yeah. - 'Kay.

- Of course. I love you. - Love you.

- [CELLPHONE BUZZES] - Ah, tomorrow at 3:00 is a go.

Tomorrow at 3:00 is a no-go.

I gotta pick up Asher. Tell them 4:00.

Roger. Copy. Roger.

Every saying you say is not a saying.

[CELLPHONE BUZZES]

Oy, we have a problem.

Ugh! Tell them we can do it.

- Yeah? - Dave!

- Oh, uh, yeah? - Hey, honey.

- Hi! - Um, so, tomorrow,

I'll pick up Asher from school,

but can you watch him around 4:00?

- Yyyeah. - Yeah?

- Love you. - Love you.

[PANTING] Crap. Damn it.

Can't do 4:00. Have to do 5:00.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

I think I'm having a heart attack.

Debbie, I am sweating.

You need a doctor.

Now pull it together.

You look good with a shine.

Hey, Mom, can I go to Brad's house after school tomorrow?

- Uh, will his parents pick you up? - I think so.

- Hell, yeah! - Oh, perfect!

- [LAUGHS] - That's great.

- We are good for 3:00. - Good for 3:00.

- What was that, babe? - Did you say something?

- I didn't say anything. - I didn't.

? ?

- I got job news. - Oh, hey.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. [CLEARS THROAT]

Debbie!

Rebecca?

Ghost couple?

All right, go ahead.

I got that asbestos j...

Did you say "ghost couple"?

Yeah. I see things sometimes.

Don't worry about it. But see?

I told you everything was gonna work out.

Pushing past a lot right now.

But, yes, it is all working out,

and now I get to tell Rebecca that we can get the minivan.

[CHUCKLING] No. Don't tell her. No.

You got to surprise her with the minivan.

I don't know. I mean... a surprise?

Shouldn't I consult my wife

- before I make a huge purchase? - Oh, brother.

No, no, no, no.

You surprise her with the minivan.

Come on. Make it like one of those commercials

where they put a big red bow on it, you know?

And the moms are standing there in their bikinis,

and the pizza guy comes over, right?

This commercial you're describing took a hard left.

But a surprise does sound good.

I mean, we could stop by the dealership

on our way to meet that guy at 3:00.

[CLAPS] That's great. Let's go!

I tell you, that minivan

- drives like a dream. - Yeah.

Can't believe I had to pretend I never wanted it.

Yeah, and I'm gonna use this umbrella every time it rains.

Oh, crap. I left it at the dealership.

We just got to figure out which one of these lunatics

drives a minivan with no car seats.

But I don't think they're here.

- Should we text them? - No, not yet.

Oh, my God, it's Rebecca and Mom.

- We got to... We got to hide. - Oh, what are you, nuts?

Stop it. Come on.

Just... It's perfectly natural for us to be here.

It's right next to Pup Cuts.

We come here all the time.

It's Dave and Stew. Act natural.

- Hey, sexy! - [CHUCKLES]

We're just having some lady latte time.

Oh, please, don't let us interrupt.

We're just having our macchiato man time.

- [LAUGHS] - Love my boys.

Where is this psycho?

We should text them, you know,

before Rebecca and Mom get suspicious.

Roger. Copy. Roger.

Please stop saying that. Please!

[CELLPHONE DINGS]

Oh! He says he's here.

Is he parking or here here?

I don't know. I'll ask this idiot.

Yeah.

They're here.

- They say they're here. - I don't see them.

Maybe ask them to stand up

- and wave or something. - All right.

Maybe I'll ask them to stand up and wave or something.

[CELLPHONE DINGS]

Hey, sweetie!

Hi, honey!

[BOTH LAUGH]

I still don't see them.

They're not here.

Oh, yes, they are.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[LAUGHS]

Your life sucks.

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

? ?

So, we went from having two cars and no minivans

to no cars and two minivans?

That is our current car situation.

Well, how?

I'll start from the beginning.

Y-You know that big job I had lined up?

It fell through.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I didn't want to worry you,

but we couldn't afford the minivan,

so I dragged my feet till something else came along.

Dave, you don't have to protect me like that.

We do our worrying together.

I guess my dad just got in my head.

Yeah, and your mom got in mine.

I was just upset when it seemed like you were backing out.

And your mom is very convincing.

- I know. - [SIGHS]

You know I took her to my prom?

My girlfriend was pissed.

Maybe I shouldn't have told you that secret.

No. Keeping secrets is what your parents do,

- not us. - And I love that about us.

You know, I love that we tell each other everything.

Aww. Me too.

Are you making love yet?

[SIGHS]

No, thankfully,

since you're staring at us.

Well, whenever we want to make up from a fight,

we like to make love first and use words later.

Yeah, 'cause when the lovemaking's really good,

sometimes you don't need the words.

Which is most of the time.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Guys!

Oh, we wanted to say we're sorry.

You know, we do things our way,

but that may or may not work for you.

Like having secret cellphones.

[BOTH LAUGH]

It's really very cute.

But we'll try to keep some of our advice to ourselves

from now on.

We know you both meant well. It's okay.

- Oh. - Oh.

No. Just go. No, I don't...

No, no, no, no! Oh, God, I...

? ?

How great is this, babe?

My whole family in one car,

grabbing takeout...

that we could've had delivered...

or at least eaten there.

Hey, Dave, could you turn the heat on my feet

and blow the AC on my hands?

I'm trying to keep the wontons warm

and cool off my soup.

Hey, Rebecca, can you pass some soy sauce back here?

These ribs are dry, and I spilled the soy sauce back here.

Wha... ?!

Mom, would you top off my fried rice?

- I got it. - I-I spilled my fried rice.

Guys, stop spilling!

This is a brand-new van!

The food'll still be warm in 12 minutes.

What's the down-low with the lo mein?

Very down low. It's all over the floor.

- [GASPS] - Guys! This is a new van.

Even though we've already dented it

and Hazel has already thrown up in it,

it is a new van.

Dave, I'm really loving your back-up camera, though.

What back-up camera?

There's no back-up...

That's the DVD player.

You're watching "Toy Story 4."

Ooh! Where's Tom Hanks?

You're not gonna see Tom Hanks.

It's animated.

Mr. Potato Head looks Jewish.

? ?

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