Original subtitles

Food is more than just fuel.

It's sharing, it's conversation, it's hello and goodbye.

It's giving and receiving.

It's a prayer.

It's what we dream of and everything we fear.

Food is where we come from and it's what

we'll all eventually become.

But too much food creates waste.

Waste is destroying our world.

Environmentalists agree that disposable plastic cutlery

is the single greatest threat to our planet.

I'm Lucy Vanderton, and I created.

Incredible Edible Cutlery to bring

an end to that destruction.

We all know you can't eat food without cutlery.

But now, you can eat cutlery without food.

Incredible Edible Cutlery is a vision for mankind's future.

As an ethnically diverse female-led company innovating

in a white male-dominated world, we reflect that future,

our mission to rid the planet of disposable plastic cutlery

and save the world one bite at a time.

Ok, this is bullshit.

Well, I think it's inspiring.

You're positive and you're uplifting.

And naive and stupid.

And... and please, that family was fake as fuck.

Ok, yeah.

I'll redo it.

Listen, do you remember the first thing

I said to you at Tufts?

That I saw a beautiful, intelligent black woman

who has the potential to be the Beyonce of business.

That's why I agreed to mentor you.

I want that person back, Jess.

Listen to the Beyonce inside you, girlfriend.

All right, listen up Incredible Eatibles.

Edibles, Incredible Edibles.

Agree to disagree, but you're paying the bills.

Welcome to Brandon's Outdoor Experience.

Are you ready for the ultimate team-building challenge?

It's called Ball Quest.

You guys can do this.

You're all working as a unit.

The ball's your enemy.

Don't let that piece of shit win.

Motherfucker.

It's too heavy.

We can't move this.

If we all push it together, do you think maybe we can?

How do we get it on the podium?

Excuse me, sir.

Are we allowed to put the podium on its side.

I can't tell you how to do it.

That'd be cheating, right?

Hey, we're not trying to cheat.

We just want to clarify what we can and cannot do.

Come on, people.

Figure it out.

Think team.

Aidan, go lay down in front of it.

We'll use you as a ramp.

That's fine with me, I guess.

Wait.

Hey, stop.

Don't lay down.

He's fucking with you.

Oh.

You almost got me there.

Ok.

What we need to do is use these two poles as a railroad

so we can roll the ballthingy up unto the thing.

Ok, yeah.

And then use the ropes as a pulley system

to get the ball on top of the rails.

This is not fun at all.

It's not supposed to be fun.

Ok, well it's working.

It's not moving.

Pull it harder.

Wait.

Use a pole as a lever.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

But we only have two poles.

Right.

And we need both the poles to make the actual train tracks.

Jess, let's just forget about the railroad tracks, Ok?

Let's just focus on moving the ball toward the podium.

We'll worry about getting it up when we get there.

Oh, shit.

What?

Oh, gosh darn it, that... that really hurt.

My leg.

Nice work, FT.

We have to try and move it somehow.

Have you got another pole, like a metal one?

I want to say that I'm mad, but I

am severely disappointed in every one of you,

especially you, Jess.

I'm embarrassed.

I'm sorry.

Lucy, I was... I was trying.

Oh, gosh darn it.

We were having so much fun.

Oh damn, it's hot.

Hey, psst.

Lucy giving you a hard time, huh?

It comes with the territory.

You are the hate sponge.

The what?

The hate sponge, the punching bag.

I was the hate sponge for the years until you came along.

My advice is, soak it in.

And if you ever get any feelings,

just push them down with booze and video games.

You'll find that life gets easier soon, very soon.

Did you just try to wink at me?

I did wink at you.

Yikes, why?

Ok.

Keep this to yourself, but very soon, I'm

going to be taking on the brand new role of vice president,

and you'll take my place as number one assistant,

and Lucy's going to hire a brand new hate sponge,

so it's all good.

Ok.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but Lucy's

appointing me vice president.

What?

Yeah, man.

No, that's not... - Yeah, it is.

No, I don't... I don't think so.

All right, gang.

Let's circle up right here.

Pretty spectacular, huh?

Every once in a while, mother nature likes to strip for us,

just show us how sexy she is.

I know it looks daunting, but don't worry.

It's an easy hike down.

We're going to track along this ridge and down the canyon.

Where does this go?

Oh, don't worry about that.

That's the advanced route.

No offense, but I don't think this group is 100%

ready for the advanced route.

Yeah.

Nope.

No, we're doing the advanced.

Seriously?

Yeah.

I can't recommend more strongly that this group

takes the beginner route.

That's an advanced cave system that's

for experienced spelunkers.

Look, if we can navigate the advanced route of the deepest

cave systems of New Mexico, then we

can navigate the challenges of today's business environment.

The only way for a muscle to grow

is to have something to push against,

and we all know that the biggest muscle in the body

is the brain.

Nope.

This is the perfect opportunity

for the brain to grow.

Let's get to it.

Come on!

Well, checks cleared.

You guys signed your releases.

Let's go bone some stone.

Rappelling.

We're rappelling down there?

Well, look, you are all more than

welcome to opt out and have a lovely time by yourself

on the bus thinking about the new direction

your career might be going.

All right, everybody.

Listen up.

Now, the number one rule that you must follow at all times

is do whatever the fuck I say the second I say it.

That's probably the most important thing.

Now, on top of that, I'm going to go over a couple of dos

and do not dos.

Do keep your helmet on your head at all times.

Do not consume alcohol or illegal drugs

before entering the cave.

Do be vigilant.

Keep your eyes peeled for spiders, scorpions,

or poisonous snakes, because they are abundant,

and they are trying to kill you at all times.

Now, if we're lucky, we may encounter some cave paintings.

These are from the Acama Tribe of first Americans.

Do not touch the cave paintings.

And always remember, they were here first.

Lucy, what have you got?

I am actually 1/64 Acama, so if any of you

want to touch or examine the paintings,

then just clear it with me first.

I'll be assuming the role of tribal elder

for the duration of the trip.

Cool.

Let's do this.

There's really no stairs?

Where do you want the stair on?

Hey, guys.

I think I'm stuck.

Just for the record, I'm definitely getting

the vice president position.

Ok.

Well, for the record, Lucy and I have already

discussed my new role as vicepresident in great detail

for the last two months, so... Ok.

Well, I've been at the company way longer than you, Ok?

Why would Lucy promote you over me?

Three words.

Ok.

Master of Business Administration.

That's four words, including of.

Isn't counting... correct me if I'm wrong...

A valuable business skill?

Yeah, it is, but of doesn't count as a word.

It's like the.

Nobody gives a shit about those two words.

I can't do this.

I really can't do this, Lucy.

You can do this.

I know what you're capable of.

Look, are you a woman who runs with wolves?

Are you?

I think I'm more the woman who runs away from wolves,

because they can smell my fear. - Not anymore.

Not anymore.

They get off on it.

I'm going to die.

Look, I believe in you.

Why?

So you have to believe in you.

Otherwise, you're saying I'm wrong about who I believe in,

and... and I don't think you're saying that, are you?

Not intentionally.

No no.

You're still on the edible cutlery,

whereas I'm all over the brand-new exciting project, Ok?

What does that tell you?

I wouldn't exactly call Vanderton University

a brand-new exciting project.

We've actually rebranded as the Vanderton Wealth institute,

but you wouldn't know that, because you

weren't in the meetings.

Yeah, because those meetings are dumb,

and it's just busy work for you.

We get free coffee.

You see that there?

Hey, quick question.

I got a call from my transport team on Friday

and they said that our quarterly check bounced.

That's weird.

Did you call Med first?

Yeah, I did.

Tanner said that we're overdrawn.

That shouldn't be happening.

I'll look into it.

Ok.

You know, if running the accounts department

is getting to be too much for you, you can just let me know.

I'm fine.

Ok.

Well, if not, you can always talk to me.

I'm available during business hours.

Thanks.

That's very generous of you.

I think I felt some rain.

Oh, that's pretty scary, huh?

You don't want to piss your pants.

I don't think the girls down here would like that very much.

Hey, come on, man.

Don't go ragging on the intern.

Aidan pissed his pants one single time.

Surely you should be able to move on.

Great banter, guys.

You're making me laugh.

I don't think I can.

Please.

Yes, you can.

Brandon!

And now is the time, Ok?

You just need to nut up and put that pussy into it.

Now, follow my lead.

You.

Woo!

Our insurance does not cover this.

Lamps on.

Lights on?

Oh my god.

Get your light on.

What's happening?

I think I'm having a panic attack.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Your panic attack is not authorized.

I can't be doing this.

I hate it.

Lucy, I hate it.

That a girl.

Keep pumping those elbows.

I think my fricking knee's dinged up.

No pressure, but maybe hurry up a little.

It's all right.

Keep going.

Looking good, looking good.

Less than six feet.

Yeah, you got this.

I'm so scared.

Yeah, but look cute.

Don't worry about it.

There you go.

All right.

That a girl.

Good job, good job.

All right.

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

I guess I'm alive.

Exactly, and you probably feel more alive than you ever have,

right?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you do.

You did it.

Guys, come on.

We made it.

We made it as a team.

Team work makes the dream work, right?

Makes the dream work, yeah.

Come on.

All right, listen up.

I'm going to ask you to do something.

This might sound a little far out,

but just go with me, all right?

Turn your head lamps off.

Oh my god.

Oh, oh my god.

That never gets old.

Glorious.

Wow.

Pretty spectacular, right?

Incredible.

Yeah, good.

Ok.

Welcome to Cathedral Cavern.

This is pretty much the crown jewel

of this entire cave system.

The great state of New Mexico was kind enough to rig it up

with some auxiliary battery lighting

so you can really feel the full effect.

Spectacular.

Namaste.

Feel free to explore, look around, enjoy yourselves.

I'll be sitting over there eating a Clementine.

Hey, guys, it's an Acoma painting.

It's Acama.

Acama?

So you can read all this?

Yeah, somewhat.

Hey.

Ok.

So I guess she offered us both the position.

She's playing us by dangling the same carrot, a carrot

the both of us can't eat.

It's manipulative, it's petty, it's deceitful,

it's disrespectful.

It's a classic Lucy.

I guess she has to keep us hungry to keep

the company afloat.

Wait, what do you mean afloat?

Shit.

Ok, keep this on the DL, Ok?

Down low.

Yeah, I know what that is.

Don't let it come up to the surface, down low.

I understand what that is.

Ok.

Vanderton University has been a complete disaster.

It's been hemorrhaging money for months.

I keep telling her to shut it down to save the company,

but she won't listen.

Look at this.

Put your hand right there.

Are you sure it's not a curse or something?

Yes, yes.

No.

Look.

Feel that.

Oh.

Dammit.

I guess it's hard to sell abusiness based on a personality

when it's your personality.

Oh, yeah, because she sucks.

Yeah, big time.

What the fuck just happened?

That was a geologic incident.

What?

Yeah, a little tectonic tremor.

In English.

Earthquake?

Oh my god.

So what... what do we do?

Oh, shit.

Shouldn't you go last, not first?

Yeah, but no, because I should really go first check

the tunnel integrity, right?

Wait, wait, wait.

You can't leave us here!

See, it's so narrow.

I can't turn around at this point.

You don't need to turn around.

Just crawl back.

It's probably best for everybody if I just get out,

you know?

See you guys on the other side.

No.

Shit.

You know what?

I'm going to back out.

Get out.

Yeah, come on, man. It's the best thing.

I'm just going to...

Brandon?

Are you Ok?

You all right, Brandon?

Brandon?

Ok, he's not breathing.

Oh, god.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, hey, I'm CPR trained.

Yep, he's dead.

Oh my god.

No, no, no.

No.

Does anyone's phone work?

There's no service.

All right, we got to get out of here.

Look at the cracks.

There's something in the cracks.

Maybe you could still make it through.

It's rocks.

You can't dig through that.

There's probably a network of Acama tunnels.

I mean, that... that's something that we would do.

Maybe there's a door, like a cave door.

There's a tunnel.

Yeah, but it's going the wrong way.

A tunnel going down is better than no tunnel at all.

Right, guys?

No.

We're fucked.

There's nothing.

We are so totally, totally fucked.

Help!

Hey, hey, hey, oh, oh.

Hey, hey.

Help!

Stop it.

You're going to cause another cave-in.

Everything always happens to me.

We're trapped.

We're all going to die down here.

We are going to die, huh?

Billy.

We are all trapped and we are going to fucking die down here.

Billy.

Oh.

Ow.

Advanced.

Why do you just say we had to do the fucking advanced?

There's nothing.

There's no way out.

At least our families won't have to pay for our funerals,

seeing how we've already been buried alive.

Ok, people.

I think that the situation is under control.

How'd do you work that out?

It's only a matter of hours before we get rescued.

I mean, I personally put in the caving permit

with a complete itinerary in that dropbox

at the ranger station.

So let's just relax, enjoy the adventure.

It's a perfect team-building opportunity.

It's like our own private escape room.

We do need to make the most of our space,

so this area should be the designated toilet zone.

And I'm thinking that this area over here

should be our private zone for personal reflection, you know?

Much like the interfaith area at the airport.

Most importantly, we need to manage our resources carefully.

I've done a complete inventory of our food supplies,

and it consists of a samplebox of Edible Cutlery

that Aidan brought with him.

You brought a box of product samples?

Yeah.

I always keep a set in my backpack.

You never know when you might need

some cutlery that you can eat.

Aidan's dedication to the flagship product

should be seen as an inspiration and a life-saving

example to us all.

Aidan.

Yeah.

If you don't have gum for all of us,

then you should just spit that.

What?

Give it to me.

Good boy.

Ok.

Hydration-wise, we have these few bottles of water

and Billy's CamelBak.

No.

This is private property.

Why should I be penalized just because I'm the only one who

properly prepared?

This excursion is fully funded by Incredible Edible Cutlery,

so all of the equipment, including your CamelBak,

is company property.

Oh, no, it's not.

Just hand over the goddamn CamelBak.

This is bullshit.

Ok, please pass these potato forks.

Take one prong each.

Just one prong?

At least break out the spoons?

No spoons.

Forks, one prong, and I'll expect those handles back.

I know it's not all about me, but I

really feel like my leg may need some kind of treatment.

Just keep the wound clean and watch out for numbness

or a foul-smelling discharge.

Those are the first signs of gangrene.

Gangrene?

Ok.

Oh my god.

I am going to try and get some sleep.

Wake me up when the rescuers get here.

Hey, you want to generate a little heat?

No.

Billy, you're on light duty.

Yeah.

How about you?

You want to...

In this chapter,

you'll learn to be a Vanderton visionary using

the three C's, confidence, collaboration,

and above all captaincy.

Ow.

Fuck!

Aidan.

Aidan.

Who is it?

Britney?

Is it Britney, bitch?

Yes, it's me, Britney Spears.

Stay strong, Aidan.

I'm coming to save you.

Oh.

Hi, Suzy.

Hi.

Do you mind if I... oh yeah, Suzy.

Yeah.

Can you call me Suzanne?

Suzanne.

Gently, oh.

They've been going at it all night.

I didn't realize Suzy and May were a couple.

They're not.

At least, they weren't.

But I guess the possibility of imminent death

makes you super horny.

Yeah.

Who's this?

Is this your white dad?

Seriously?

You don't recognize him?

It's Gary Sinise from CSI New York.

Right.

He's, like, kind of a big deal for you?

Yeah.

On CSI, Gary treats his team like a family,

and, like, they always care for each other

and have each other's back.

And, you know, I thought I found it when I quit school

and joined the company, so... Wow.

That's either the most pathetic thing I've

ever heard of the most tragic.

Ouch.

Yeah.

Wow, sorry.

That... that came out really harsh.

That's fine, we're hungry.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess good luck to them, right?

Team-building, right?

Yeah.

Freddie.

Hi.

What's up?

I just wanted to see if you needed some help with sleeping.

I mean, silk sheets would be nice, or any kind of sheets.

I have a great way to help you to sleep.

Oh, no.

What do you mean no?

I just mean no.

We've taken this whole thing far enough, don't you think?

Well, no, not really.

I mean, you've never eaten me out

while I've given you a rim job.

I don't even think that's physically possible.

Well, certainly not with that attitude.

Ok, well, I've made a unilateral decision to stop.

Well, you can't.

Well, I have.

Well, I haven't granted you unilateral

decision-making powers.

I don't need you to grant them to me.

I already have them.

It's called being an independent adult.

What's so funny?

When have you ever had an independent adult?

Since forever.

Freddie, Freddie.

Come on.

You would be lost without me.

Everything you know is from me.

I taught you how to fuck.

I didn't learn how to fuck from you.

I learned how to fuck from porn.

I'm hungry.

I need ibuprofen.

I can feel my lupus flaring up.

Where the hell are they?

Look, they're digging through meters of solid rock.

It's going to take a little while.

If they're drilling so hard, why can't we hear them?

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday dear Gloria.

Happy birthday to you.

Thank you so much.

Ok, make a wish.

Oh.

Yay.

Woo.

Well?

What did you wish for?

I hope it was to get us rescued.

Well, if I tell you what I wished for,

that means it won't come true.

You wished for something else, didn't you?

Like a new husband, or I don't know,

some other ridiculous bullshit.

It's Gloria's wish.

Well, she's down here on my dollar,

so I demand a veto on all wishes.

I'll tell you when I wished for.

I wished for a boss who wasn't a total fucking bitch.

I asked her for a dollar bill to go to the bathroom

and she said no.

You wouldn't give her a dollar bill so she could wipe herself?

If I had known it was your birthday,

I would have given you my last couple of singles,

but I'm keeping the hundreds.

No one is wiping their ass on a $100 bill but me.

I can tell you why she want to keep her hundreds.

It's because it's all the money that she has left.

And by she, I mean we.

Shut up.

Oh, shut up and not tell everybody about the fact

that you've virtually bankruptedus, thanks to your weird ego

trip online business venture?

It's true.

Vanderton University.

Vanderton Wealth Institute?

Whatever you want to call it, it's lost us over 500 grand.

Oh my god.

That's the reason the accounts are empty?

What do you mean empty?

I mean empty.

Empty of money?

That's the main thing they're empty of, yes.

My money?

All our fucking money, dude.

Well, what about the stock options?

They're worthless.

God dammit, guys.

I just bought a dirt bike.

Look, we're all in this together.

No, we're not.

I'm not even supposed to be here.

I was going to quit on Monday.

I can't believe this shit.

I was doing this for all of us.

If the company is in trouble, it's

because of your incompetence and laziness.

It was your lack of communication and work ethic

that got us in this mess.

You don't listen to a single thing we say.

You don't let us make a single decision.

Lucy, why should we work hard for you when you steal

any good ideas we come up with?

What are you talking about?

The Edible Cutlery, Lucy, it was my idea.

The hell it was.

I can't believe this.

I came up with the idea when I first started working for Lucy.

All she had back then was beauty products.

Ok.

So maybe the spoons were your idea,

but the knives and forks were mine.

Spoons imply knives and forks.

No, there is no such legal implication.

I mean, anyone can come up with an idea.

It's another thing to turn it into

a multi-million-dollar company.

Former multi-million-dollar company.

I can't believe you spent all this

money we don't have on an idiotic team-building trip.

Well, I needed to raise your idiotic game.

By burying us alive?

So the only good idea this company's ever had

belongs to Freddie the fuck toy.

Freddie the what?

Why do you think we call you FT?

Because those are my initials, Freddy Tiwari.

Oh.

Oh my god.

You knew?

You all knew?

That Lucy uses you as a human dildo?

Yeah.

Don't put it like that.

What is wrong with two adult colleagues

having a relationship, especially if they're

chill and not weird about it?

Exactly.

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Because Freddie was an intern at the time,

and fucking an intern is essentially

half a step above fucking a babysitter, in which case, no.

No shade to you or Aidan, but...

Oh, none taken.

Yikes.

Being Lucy's fuck toy is the only reason why you've

gotten preferential treatment.

What?

No, I don't get preferential treatment.

I saw her give you an extra prong.

I got the same crappy prong as everyone else.

And besides, it's not entirely consensual.

Ok?

Yeah, she's been Weinsteining me.

Oh my god.

I have not Weinsteined you.

I have not Weinsteined anyone.

Ok, Ok.

Maybe not the full Weinstein, but you

used your power in the workplace to get sexual favors.

Oh, like I need to do that.

We're a pair of consenting adults.

You could have walked out at any time.

You're my boss.

I might not have a job if I didn't

agree to have sex with you.

Grow up.

All relationships are unequal.

I mean, men have been fucking their secretaries for decades.

Why can't women?

I guess because it's kind of horrible.

Well, if women can't be as horrible as men, then

what's fucking feminism for?

What?

Right?

That's a fresh take on an old idea.

Chicken satay with peanut sauce, roast belly pork

with Parmesan potatoes.

Black Forest gateau it's salty caramel ice cream.

Oh my god.

I don't know what gateauis, but that sounds good.

I can go for that.

Thank you.

It's the best one.

Where are you going?

Over to the store to get some Sprite.

We're so fucked.

We are so fucked.

For God's sakes, shut the fuck up.

Oh, fuck you.

Fuck you.

Were all fucked because of you.

You were the one who thought that a stupid team-building

exercise and taking us down to a fucking advance route

into an underground hell hole would somehow magically unfuck

the company that you fucked.

Hey, it's not Lucy's fault there was a cave-in.

Thank you Suzy.

Oh, fuck both of you.

Hey, we all need to hold it together down here.

Why?

Look, it's been days, people.

We have not heard any digging or drilling.

So whether we keep it together or not,

we're still fucked, right?

Anybody not fucked?

The longest a human beingh as ever gone without food

and water is, like, a week, and we ran out of both of them,

so it's just a matter of time.

Shut up.

Ok, I know.

Listen, we don't know for certain when or if we're

going to be rescued, right?

But we do know for certain that if we don't eat something soon,

we're all going to die.

We know that.

We're aware of that.

I just want to mention the fact

that there's one food source that we haven't yet explored.

Oh my god.

You're fucking kidding.

Seriously?

I'm not saying we should eat Brandon.

No.

I'm just saying we could eat Brandon.

That's disgusting.

I couldn't eat a person.

I agree, it is disgusting.

But at the same time, I'm terribly fucking hungry.

He did lead us down here.

Helping us survive is the least he can do.

If we're going to eat someone, it's

more ethical to eat ourselves.

You mean cut off our arms and eat them like James Franco?

I don't think James Franco ate his own arm.

I'm not even my own fucking arm.

That's where I keep my watch.

I heard you should eat the brain,

because it has sugar in it.

I got a good idea, Gloria.

Why don't you eat your own brain?

Let me reiterate, Ok?

I am not saying we should eat Brandon.

But if we did eat Brandon, how would we go about it?

I once took a sashimi course on vacation in Japan.

Did it involve cutting up human flesh?

No, it was mostly salmon.

Is it Ok that I hate everything

about this conversation?

It's... it's... it's not a conversation.

It's a theoretical discussion.

You know what?

A thought experiment.

Oh, these are for customers only?

Well, I'd be a customer if you had any goddamn items.

Jeez.

Real quick, he's deteriorating at such

a different rate than us.

I'm sorry.

I really don't mean to be difficult. It's

my last question, I promise.

But do you happen to have a Thanksgiving dinner for nine?

Have you guys ever seen that Ethan Hawke movie, where

those people get trapped in the Andes

and then they have to eat their friends?

It's pretty messed up and gross, but they had some time

to mull it over, because the Andes is basically

like a big-ass refrigerator.

This cave isn't.

So sooner or later, we're going to have

to make a hard choice about what to do with that body.

She's right.

Brandon's getting ripe.

Ew.

Jesus Christ.

He's not a piece of fruit, people.

I think you need to all take a very

long, hard look at yourselves.

At least he's not part of the group.

I mean, it wouldn't be like we were eating a colleague.

So it's Ok even a stranger, just not your mom?

I'm not saying it's Ok to eat anyone.

But yes, I'd rather eat a guy I just met who I thought

was an asshole than my mom.

Same.

I actually do know him a little.

Kind of got together with him.

When he came to the office at that meet and greet,

we went out for pizza.

One thing led to another.

Sex.

So I sort of feel like maybe it would be nice

for us to not eat him, please.

Look, I don't think that's a valid

proprietorial relationship.

Why?

What do you mean?

You fucked my lunch.

So what?

I don't care who fucked him.

I'm eating even before he turns into a pile of goo.

I'm with you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold up.

We need to make this decision as a team,

and there's no I. There's no I in team.

Yeah, but if you swap the letters around,

it spells "meat."

We are going to be rescued.

And is that how you want to be discovered, with Brandon's

ear hanging out of your mouth?

I thought of everything, guys.

I'm sorry, but that place is bullshit.

So what did I miss?

Guys, Brandon's a human being.

He has a family, and friends, and feelings.

I mean, I know that this is a desperate situation,

but if we lose our humanity, we've lost everything.

Let's take a vote.

Who's in for eating Brandon?

Wait, what are we voting on?

Seriously?

Somebody give me a hand.

I'm out.

Hey, Brandon, buddy, I'm so sorry.

If you can see this from heaven, just know that we all love you.

What the fuck?

He's only got one arm.

Someone's stolen an arm.

Who's got themselves a nice little snacky arm?

Who looks the fullest?

You do.

Huh?

Who's been munching on some finger food.

How about you, queen bee?

Huh?

What about me?

Be my guest.

I don't have anything to hide.

What?

You just back the fuck off.

This is an invasion of privacy.

Here it is, the smoking arm.

Lucy.

She stole it.

She's been feasting on fresh meat while we've been starving?

So that's why you didn't want us to eat Brandon.

You wanted to keep him all to yourself?

You sick fuck.

I fed and watered Brandon.

I bought him a burrito, Ok?

His nutrients should be mine.

Well, you've had your share.

The rest of him is ours.

Jesus fucking Christ.

The caving permit.

Oh, no, no, the caving permit that you said that you filed

with the ranger station, the caving

permit that you couldn't have filed with the ranger station

because I'm holding in my fucking hand.

How could you?

Oh, shit.

Oh shit, shit.

No one knows we're here.

No one's coming to see us.

I hate you, Lucy.

I really fucking hate you.

Why did you say you handed it in?

I thought that I had.

I... I must have gotten side tracked

when I was helping you with... with the boulders, and then I...

I was looking for some ass-wiping material,

and I found it.

I was trying to protect you, and it's

just been so much pressure.

And look, I then made an executive decision,

because if you knew that I hadn't, you guys...

It would have just gotten... gotten weird.

You fucked us.

You fucked us all.

That is exactly what I was talking about.

Somebody is going to find the tour bus

and... and a yellow Porsche.

How could they... how could they miss it?

We're in the middle of the fucking desert.

No one's going to see that yellow Porsche.

Ok, wait.

Everybody calm down, Ok?

Even though Lucy super fucked us,

we still need to focus on staying alive.

And all we can do right now is eat Brandon,

so I suggest we eat Brandon.

Who wants first bite?

Fuck it, I'll do it.

I'll do it.

Here, give it to me.

Does it tastes like chicken?

No.

Ok.

It's chewy it's definitely a chewy...

A chewy dish.

Why go to all the trouble of putting me in a prison when

we're already all in a prison?

We're putting you in prison because you're a damn criminal

and you deserve to be punished.

Well, it's total bullshit, because I could

get out whenever I wanted.

No, you can't, because we won't let you.

Yeah, this is a metaphorical cage in addition

to being an actual cage.

It was just a part of an arm.

God.

Somebody had to be the meat pioneer.

Right, and it had to be you.

It always has to be you.

At least I showed some restraint.

You little piggies ain't enough of Brandon to last us a month,

you greedy fucks.

So how are you feeling post eating Brandon?

Full, partially of Brandon, mostly of self-loathing.

Yeah, that was pretty gnarly.

Yeah.

What the fuck.

Holy shit.

What was that?

Goddamn.

What the hell is happening.

Maybe the battery died.

Does anybody have a flashlight on their phone

or a headlamp that works?

Shit.

Please, please, please.

Fuck.

Oh my god.

Oh, thank god.

Oh, I guess you dickheads didn't

take care of your headlamps.

Hey.

No prisoner property.

I'm confiscating that.

Watch the hair.

Hey.

Ah!

Hey, how much battery is left?

How long does it have?

No idea.

Guys, I have something that might help.

It's a wearable kinetic charger.

A what?

It's like one of those shake-to-shine flashlights.

It transfers my arm movements into electricity.

Wow.

Great stuff, Aidan.

Where did you get that?

It comes in handy when you're traveling.

You mean like when you're in a hotel room, beating off?

Well, yeah.

It's called the Wankband.

Ok.

Guys, personally, I don't love the idea of watching Aidan rub

himself stupid just to give us enough

light to watch ourselves die of starvation.

Do you have a better idea?

Yeah.

I think we should try the tunnel Aidan found.

You ever heard the expression, when you're in a hole,

stop digging?

It's better to go further down than just stay up here.

No, it's clearly worse.

What could be worse than this?

Imagine this, but also you're...

You're dead.

Ok.

Guys, if we don't try to find a way out of here,

we're all going to die.

Now, I'm going down there.

Who's going with me?

I can't.

I'm all lupused out.

I'll go.

Great.

Yeah, this is the right thing to do.

Yeah, take some action, maximize our odds.

We're going to need the headlamp.

Fuck that.

Finders keepers.

All right, then you keep the headlamp and then come with us.

Fuck that.

Listen, you probably don't know this about me,

but I was married once.

My wife's name was Claire.

She died.

I remember cleaning out this closet after she died

and finding this beach ball.

I remembered it was Claire who blew it up.

I got rid of everything that reminded me of her.

It was just too painful.

But one thing I couldn't get rid of was that ball.

I still have it, because Claire's breath

is still in there.

And as long as there's breath in my body,

and Claire's breath is in that beach ball,

I'm going to find us a way out of here, Ok?

And I need your help.

You should do it, Billy.

Yeah, Billy.

It'd actually be nice to take a little break from you.

You've been nothing but a moaning drain on all of us

since we got down here.

Wow.

Ok.

Here, take it.

But you're not going with me.

Oh, wow.

Great, yeah.

Just maybe put some clothes on.

Uh-huh.

For Claire.

Wow, that was amazing.

Thanks.

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

I didn't know you were married.

Also, you must have been super young.

Yeah.

Actually, that was quote.

What?

A quote.

What?

Oh, the speech, it's from CSI New

York season one episode one.

Ok.

But it worked though, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Totally.

Good old Gary Sinise.

Hey, listen.

Thank you, you know, for having my back just now

and just, I don't know, being awesome

through this whole experience.

I think we make a pretty good team.

Wow.

Is this... is this friendship right now happening?

Oh, yeah, it is.

Ok, cool.

Yeah, it's weird, a good weird.

Yeah.

It's a good weird.

Friend request sent.

Oh, got it.

Accept.

Hey, you two lovebirds, don't hold back on my account.

What the... that's not what's happening here.

It's so not what's happening right now.

Besides, he's got Brandon breath.

Really? - It's totally fine.

I have it, too.

We just ate, like, a whole dude.

Ok.

Oh, Ok, guys.

Definitely don't look down.

Oh, God.

Jesus Christ.

Calm down.

Ok, Ok.

What the hell am I doing up here?

I'm not a hero.

I'm a cowardly asshole.

I'm really comfortable being a cowardly asshole.

Uh, there's a ledge and I'm going to have to jump,

so should I jump?

Yeah.

I mean, if you're going to jump, fucking jump.

Jess, I jumped.

Ok.

Oh, god.

Oh.

Moaning drain.

I mean, you know, come on.

It's not like I'm completely closed to criticism,

but any way you slice that, that is just fucking rude.

Guys, what is that light?

Oh my god.

I think we found... Oh my god, it's water.

Oh god, I'm thirsty.

Oh my gosh.

I'm so thirsty.

Wait.

How do you know it's safe to drink.

It's cave water.

So?

So what do you think Evian's made from?

Pure delicious cave water.

This its purest in the purest form of Evian,

and it's all ours.

Look, newts.

What?

It's filled with newts.

Oh, god, delicious, nutritious newts.

I don't think you should be eating those.

Oh my god, it's still alive.

How is it still alive?

He's fighting his way back up.

It doesn't want to go down.

I wonder if they canregenerate in our bellies,

because they can regenerate.

See, I told you it's great.

Everything is fine.

Jesus, Freddie.

What the...

Hey.

You never told me about Brandon.

Oh, there's not much to tell.

It was before you and I got together, I swear.

Yeah, like a few days before.

I don't see how that matters.

I'm sorry.

If Brandon wasn't crushed to death by those rocks,

would you still be sleeping with him?

Are you asking me to choose between you and the man I spent

one night with and then ate?

I don't know if you're the kind of person I can have

a long-term relationship with.

You're being really needy.

I'm not being needy.

I just don't think you've been completely honest and open

with me, and it's hard for me, because there are reminders

of Brandon everywhere.

You don't think it's hard for me?

I'm telling you right now, sleeping with someone

and then eating them, it's not nothing.

Can we just pretend that's not happening right now?

I don't know if I can.

Oh, the taste of your lips, I'm

on a ride.

Your toxic, I'm slipping under.

With the taste of the poison paradise, I'm addicted to you.

Don't know that you're toxic?

And I love what you do.

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Brandon?

Hey, what's up Freddie?

It's me, Brandon.

I want you to do me a favor.

Just use my body as your gift, and the blood I have shed,

drink it.

Dine on my flesh in remembrance that I have

died so that you might live.

I am your meat god, Freddie.

Consume me and you will consume the knowledge to escape

this forsaken underworld.

Consume me.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Good work, Freddie.

You made it, and you only had to eat one guy.

It's all totally cool.

Oh my God.

Here's a little gift to help you celebrate.

Ice cream!

Thank you, Gary Sinise.

Hey, It's me.

I mean, it's you, but like, cool you,

without the stupid company shirt.

Are you knitting?

You best believe I'm knitting, because I don't care that mommy

and daddy told me to stop.

Real men don't knit.

Fuck that bullshit.

I don't have time to knit.

Chill out, company man.

That's some shit.

Eat an ice cream.

That's all I do not, knit and eat ice cream.

Why the fuck do anything else?

Hey. Hey.

Hey, hey.

I told you not to eat the newts, but you didn't listen to me,

did you?

No, I'm not going to wear them.

I'm not going to wear these boots.

These are Hitler's boots.

I'm not wearing Hitler's boots.

Ok, let's get the fuck out of this cave.

Let's go.

Oh, I can't believe you saw my cock.

Don't worry, we didn't see anything.

Whoa.

Shit.

My headlamp died.

Oh, god.

I'm so sorry.

I never should have brought us down here I fucked us...

He fucked us all.

Wait, shut up.

Look.

Guys, is that what I think it is?

Yes.

We did it.

We're getting out of here.

I can't believe it.

Thank you, Gary.

Yes, we're leaving!

Thanks, Gary.

Thank god.

I'm never going spelunking again.

I've never been going hiking.

Madam, lock up your prostitutes.

Let's do it.

Yes.

We can have so much ice cream.

Baby, let's go.

We're getting out!

What you see?

There's a rabbit, delicious rabbit.

Well, looks like you didn't need me after all.

Oh, please tell me it's rabbit.

Fuck!

What's that smell?

I think it's Aidan's leg.

What?

Oh, no.

Wait, do... do you think it might have gangrene?

Yeah, textbook gangrene.

Oh my god.

Calm down.

There is a solution that'll check off all the boxes.

Ok, what is it?

Amputation.

Oh, I don't know.

It's the only way to be sure.

Ow, ow.

And the upside, it's dinner time.

Good idea.

You know that I love you guys, and I...

I would do anything for this team.

But I'm not 100% sure that I want Derek to cut

my leg off with a penknife.

It's not a penknife.

It's a butterfly knife.

Oh, that's... that's better.

I mean, I do like butterflies.

They're so pretty.

Hey, stop it.

Don't do it if he's not into it.

What?

He just said he might be into it.

Well, I'm not completely not into it.

But at the same time, I'm not completely into it.

He's been jerking himself silly for, like, days, guys.

He doesn't know whether he wants a shit or a haircut.

God, I would love to get a haircut,

and take a shit, or both.

I feel terrible.

It's my joints.

I need some anti-inflammatories for my lupus.

If it gets worse, I might have a seizure.

Oh, no.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

You're looking at me like I'm a turkey at Thanksgiving.

That is a terrible delicious thing to say.

Lupus, that's a very serious illness, right?

How long can a person go without medicine, theoretically?

I don't know.

But if I die, Lucy is not allowed to eat me.

What do you care?

You'd be dead.

Ok, I am hereby making an official legal will.

Everybody apart from Lucy is allowed to eat me if I die.

Not even a finger?

Jess, you get first pick of my parts.

You always watch out for me, and I've always liked you.

Ok, thanks.

Just tell me what part you want and I'll

put your name next to it.

Why don't you pick, you know?

Surprise me.

If Jess doesn't want it, can I get an asscheek?

I really don't mind which one, but if I had to choose,

I'd say lefty.

Hey, good choice.

Freddie gets second pick.

I don't give a shit.

Well, not the response I was hoping for.

Listen, I've been on a vision quest.

I've seen through the other end of the telescope.

I've looked at the other side of the potato.

And you know what I learned?

That this company is bullshit, and you can all shove my Edible.

Cutlery up your assholes.

We're all just eyelashes on the face of God.

Ok, whatever.

Maybe we should try drinking our own piss.

Huh?

What would happen if we drank our own piss?

We'd still die, but the last thing we'd taste

would be our own piss.

Hey.

Hey, prisoner leaving the prison area, what are you doing?

Get back in there.

Ok.

I don't want to be the voice of doom.

But I think that Gloria's not looking too good.

Lady Gaga has lupus.

If she has it, it can't be that bad.

I don't think so.

What is your point?

Ok.

My point is are we going to just sit

here and wait for her to die, or are

we going to speed things up?

You mean like with the...

Like hitting her with a rock?

That's horrible, no.

I was thinking more like a coat over the face.

My god.

Jesus.

What?

It's good, right?

This is all I could muster.

Anybody want some?

No, thank you.

I'm good.

I'm not there yet.

But an asscheek and a swig of this,

and won't be no talking on both jaws.

What?

Even got some fizz to it.

Hard pass.

More for me.

You're still peeing?

I haven't peed in three days.

Poems, oh.

Hey.

Look at this.

Gloria's been writing fucking poetry.

Give me that.

That's private.

Hold on.

My plight has given me wealth more important than my health.

Trapped in this cavern of doom, I have found some psychic room.

When I feel the darkness call, I see God's face on the wall.

Which wall is that, Gloria?

Is that the one that Derek took a giant shit against?

Ok, well, it's a first draft, so...

Poetry is not a crime, Billy.

Give her back her fucking notebook.

Uh-huh.

Shit, hold on now.

I hereby give permission for posthumous publication

of these poems.

You're going to publish, make money off our deaths?

That's for my girls.

I just want to leave them something.

Fuck those little assholes.

They're seven and nine.

Well, I refuse to be memorialized by shitty poetry.

It's embarrassing.

Like, who uses rhyming couplets anymore?

If you hate it so much, why don't you

write your own fucking poetry?

You know what?

How about the punishment for writing bad poetry

should be that we kill Gloria and eat her?

Jesus Christ.

You've lost your fucking mind.

No, this is survival of the fittest.

Survival of the fittest doesn't

mean killing the unfittest.

Nobody is killing anyone.

If we die, we die together.

What's wrong with one of us dying to save the rest of us?

As long as the one who dies isn't you.

I mean, I'll freely admit that if one of us

dies I am going to eat them in a heartbeat.

But what you suggesting is...

There's crossing the line and then there's smashing

through it with a truck.

I get it.

Not everyone has balls big enough

to make the hard decisions.

That's what leaders do.

It's the white man's burden.

Oh, so you're a white man now, Acama queen?

I wear many hats.

I know why you want to eat Gloria.

It's because you're a vampire.

You've been sucking my blood for years, but all of that

stops now.

That is bullshit.

You wanted a sexy as helltough as nails lady boss,

and you just couldn't handle it.

Ok, fine.

It's true.

I didn't have the confidence to make my idea work.

You did.

And you know what?

I liked it when you fucked me.

Yeah, I even liked it when you put things up my ass

occasionally.

But when I stopped liking it and I asked you to stop doing it,

you carried on, and that's not Ok, Lucy.

And I'm not going to let you do it anymore.

Fuck you and fuck this company.

I resign.

I'm going to stop working and start knitting.

Knitting?

Just because I'm a guy doesn't mean I can't knit, Ok?

Ok.

I'm going to knit the most amazing

sweater you've ever seen.

Freddie's right.

You have some major boundary issues.

You guys know that she threatened to fire me because I

turned off my phone for two hours

while I attended my grandma's funeral?

I was hosting my bestfriend's bachelorette party,

and we needed a patio heater delivered.

I mean, do you know how cold it was when the patio?

It is not my job to keep you cold-ass friends warm.

You... you break my heart.

I mentored you because I wanted a little

of the light that's always shined on me to reflect on you.

When I found out your mom died when you were so young,

I decided to be the mom that you never had.

What the fuck?

It was never enough.

You just wanted more, more, more. You and your fucking MBA,

he didn't want to be my mentee.

You didn't want to work for me.

No, you wanted to replace me.

I don't want to be in your shadow for the rest of my life.

Is that a crime?

You need to get real.

Would you be without me?

Not in this fucking cave, Lucy.

Do you know when I hired you, and you, and you,

and you, and you, I stepped up?

I gave you an opportunity of a lifetime.

And yes, there was some sweet, sweet grant money

from the minorities and business agency,

but that was just a bonus.

I did this for all of you asa gift, a gift from my heart.

You never gave us anything, Ok?

We all worked really hard to get to where we are.

Two words, affirmative action.

Do you want to be a quota queen?

Is that what you want?

Because you better start asking yourself,

who am I when I'm not black and I'm not a woman?

Who am I and what do I have to give?

You know what?

It's people like you think you're

part of the solution when you're the whole fucking problem.

And on top of that, your opinions

are bad you're a huge asshole.

In fact, the only good idea you ever had

was Freddie's, and the only thing you'll ever be famous

for is for the fact that you ate our dead spelunking instructor.

Don't you talk to your mother that way.

You're not my mother.

Yes I am.

Get the fuck off her!

Fuck.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh, god.

I'm sorry, Lucy.

I didn't mean to... no, Lucy.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

What the hell is that?

Britney?

Is that you, Britney?

Is that a drill?

Oh my god, it is.

It's a drill!

Hey, Hey, we're in here.

Freddie.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to rat you out, you manslaughterer.

You're going to die alone in jail.

You pussy.

What's up?

Is she dead?

What?

She says she's going to tell the cops

that I tried to kill her.

I'm going to go to jail.

No.

I'm going to die in jail.

No.

Ok, you were trying to protect me.

She's a fucking sociopath.

Let's just say that she tripped.

What if they send a crack squad of forensic investigators

with black lights?

This is exactly the kind of case that a crack squad

of forensic investigators with black lights

would solve within seconds.

They're not going to do that.

This isn't CSI.

All you have to do is relax, Ok, and not

tell them the whole truth about what happened.

I can't lie to the police.

They'll never believe me.

Ok.

Everybody, listen up.

All right?

When the rescuers get downhere, she's going to try

and get Freddie arrested.

We need to make sure that Freddie knows that he's not

alone, Ok, that we're not going to let

him take the rap for this.

We need to finish what he started.

I wasn't trying to kill her.

It's Ok, I got this.

Team work makes the dream work.

Lucy, Lucy, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean for you to hit your head.

I just didn't want you to hurt Jess.

And I... I know I know I said some horrible things about you,

but you're a good person.

I mean, you're not, but you were.

We had some good times, right, in the early days,

like that... like the trip to Sausalito?

Remember?

We ate the clam chowder in the bread bowls.

They served soup in bowls madeout of bread, and we ate it.

The soup, the bowl, the whole damn thing.

Come on!

Fuck.

It's too heavy.

You guys, what about Brandon's walking pole?

Yes.

Actually, that's perfect.

We can use it as a lever.

And it's metal, so it won't snap this time.

That's what gave me the idea for the Edible Cutlery.

Yeah.

I mean, if you can eat a bowl, why not a spoon, you know?

Lucy, if you hadn't taken me to Sausalito on company money

to fuck my brains out, I never would

have eaten the bread bowl, and I never would

have thought of the spoons.

Ready?

Ready.

Ok, Ok.

Come on.

It's all because of you.

Guys, I think she's trying to say something.

These might be her last words.

Yeah.

Rosebud.

I'm sorry, what?

It's my nickname for your dick.

Never mind.

Hey.

Ok, everybody's.

We've got to work together as a team.

All right.

We're in.

Hold on.

Stop.

We're in.

Ok, guys.

We're in.

Let's prepare for extraction.

All right.

If we're going to have people over,

I mean, we should clean this place up.

Hey, is everyone Ok down there?

Yeah, we're here.

Is everyone safe?

We're safe.

Most of us are safe.

You got any circus peanuts?

Oh, hell.

Oh my god.

Yum.

Fritos.

Who knew they could taste so good.

This'll be so much fun.

Well, yeah. No, a couple of us did die, but you know what?

I... I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

If y'all not careful, I'll eat this whole table.

Mom says hi.

All right, guys.

The press is ready for you.

And I got some satisfaction.

Woo, I got some.

What was the worst moment of your ordeal?

Well, running out of toilet paper on the first day

was pretty rough.

Yes?

How did you manage to survive so long without food or water?

Oh, we happened to have a supply of Edible Cutlery.

We ate our guide.

We ate Brandon.

We had to.

I didn't.

I'm sorry.

They did, but I didn't.

Yes, you did.

He did.

No.

No, see.

I mean, Ok.

Yeah, I did, but I didn't eat a lot.

I just had a little bit.

He died in the cave-in.

Before we ate him.

Yeah, we didn't eat him alive.

Hi.

I'm Brandon's fiancee.

Oh.

Oh, shit.

I just wanted to hear it from your mouths

why you ate Brandon.

The last thing that we wanted to do was eat Brandon.

We liked him a lot.

We liked him.

We loved him.

We all knew him equally the same amount.

But we had to do it.

He saved us.

Ok, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for being so cool about it.

Can you give us some details on the circumstances

of Lucy Vanderton's death?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, it was super tragic what happened to her.

I mean, wow.

I want to say something about Lucy.

Lucy, Lucy was the most amazing woman and inspiring leader

I've ever known.

And that most of all, she taught us

how to work together as a team.

Uh-huh.

Which is why this next part is so hard to say.

Don't say it.

It was really tragic.

The way the rock just fell on her sucked.

A horrible accident.

Yeah, she was lying down celebrating

and the rock was worked loose by the drilling,

and then it just fell.

Sort of off a ridge.

Right on top of Lucy.

So it was the rescuers' fault.

Well, no one's playing the blame game.

But if we did have to blame someone, it would be them.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Gravity.

Any other questions?

Ow, I got some.

It sure was good, yeah.

Yes it was.

I got some.

Oh, it sure was good.

Oh, oh, oh.

I went up to the mountain to see the rising sun.

I came back to my baby and I got some satisfaction Woo.

I got some.

Uh.

Sure was nice.

Yes, it was.

Let me tell you about it.

I got to hug and squeeze her once or twice.

Yes, I did.

I came home in the evening after a hard day's work was done.

I put my arms around my baby and I got some satisfaction.

Daddy, relax.

Make yourself at home.

Oh, around about midnight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure was good.

Yes, it was.

She kissed and hugged me tight.

Said everything's going to be all right.

And I turned out the light, and I got some satisfaction.

She said sugar.

Sugar.

Take it easy now.

And take it slow.

She said take it slow.

You don't have to fight.

Just... just relax and let the love light go.

I got out of bed this morning.

I faced the rising sun.

Came home in the evening, and I got some satisfaction.

Yeah!

Make yourself at home.

In the evening.

Around about midnight.

You know girls, I just got to.

I just got to have some.

Ruby, oh.

Oh, Ruby.

You make me feel so good.

I just got to do it one more time.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.