Original subtitles

Good evening.

Contrary to appearances, we are not converting our show into a Middle

Eastern Western.

This is a lovely gift that just arrived, and I'm having workmen tear out a wall

so that I can get it into the house.

What is especially touching is that the gift came from a person I had not

regarded as a friend.

a social climber who is always trying to wrangle an invitation to my home.

I'm quite pleased, however.

Now that I have a wooden horse, I may even take up water polo.

From this innocent hobby horse, we turn to a hobby of another kind.

Tonight's program is dedicated to the do-it-yourselfer and is called How to

Get Rid of Your Wife. It concerns one Gerald Swinney.

a gentleman seemingly too meek for the task ahead.

But we shall see, we shall see.

As a special feature tonight, we are delaying the start of the story by one

minute. Time for you to gather up a pencil and paper.

After all, some of you may wish to take notes.

Oh, I, uh, I wonder if I might have a word with Miss Feather, if that's

possible. Miss, uh, Rosie Feather.

You're, you're Gerald Sweeney, aren't you?

Yes. I've been reading the paper about you. I mean, about the case.

The verdict?

Yeah, it's life.

I'll tell her you're here.

Mr. Sweeney, come this way.

Come in.

Mr. Sweeney, Rosie.

Oh, hello, Mr. Sweeney. What are you doing here?

Well, I hope this isn't inconvenient. I just wanted to apologize.

What for?

Oh, uh, would you accept these?

Oh, carnations.

Why, they're lovely.

Um, won't you sit down?

I, uh, just wondered if there was anything I could do.

Do?

Well, it must have been unpleasant and embarrassing.

Oh, Mr. Swinney.

I never had so much publicity in my whole life.

It was fantastic.

Oh?

Oh, I mean, of course I realized that it was at somebody else's expense, if you

know what I mean.

You really shouldn't feel that way.

Well, but I do.

I mean, every single minute in that awful court, I kept thinking to myself,

this should have never happened.

Not to somebody like you. I mean, we all felt the same way, everybody.

You have nothing to apologize for, Mr. Swinney.

Look, it's all over now, isn't it?

Yes.

I guess I better put these in water.

Oh, would you like a drink?

Oh, I really don't think I should.

After what you've been through?

Go on.

It'll do you good.

Well, all right.

Thank you very much, Miss Feather.

Rosie?

Well, everything's over there. Help yourself.

I'm going to go behind here and change.

Mr. Swinney, I'm glad you came by.

We all understand how you feel.

And... We're very sorry.

Thank you.

People are sympathetic.

If they weren't, things wouldn't have turned out the way they did.

Poor Edith.

How did it all really begin?

The day I married her, I suppose.

I used to think things would get better in the 15 years we lived together.

But they didn't.

Gerald?

Gerald?

Gerald, where are you?

Why don't you answer me?

Gerald.

You don't smoke in this room, Gerald. Are you happy, Edith?

What are you talking about?

I want to know.

You do.

Without my mother, you and I would have absolutely nothing.

You've been a clerk for 15 years.

Happy.

I've been a lot better off without you.

I walked right into it, didn't I?

What's that supposed to mean?

This nice, refined home.

Dear old smiling mother and you, all fluttery and correct.

Two kind, helpless women.

And one unsuspecting bachelor.

On went the rings, and off came the mass.

I had no idea what it was all about.

Are you through?

No.

I want a divorce, Edith.

Oh. So that's what all this nonsense has been about.

Well, let me tell you, there'll be no divorce in this house.

And if you're thinking of walking out on me, don't.

I know what's what, and I know my rights.

And you haven't got a chance.

And just you remember it!

Gerald, I've had just about enough of this. Are you coming downstairs or

aren't you?

Edith, where's my fishing equipment?

It was cluttering up the closet.

Where's my fly box with the brown hackles?

I gave it to the club for the bazaar.

Without telling me.

Oh, Gerald, you haven't been fishing in years. Do you realize I spent hours

tying those flies?

That's right. A useless waste of time.

So I got rid of it.

Well, Edith, I'm just going to have to get rid of you.

I gave the matter a lot of thought and worked out a plan of campaign.

On the next Saturday night, I put the first stage into operation.

I stayed at Al's bar until closing time.

Neighbors were about to see Edith in action.

Oh, Mr. Sweeney.

I'll walk along with you.

Oh, good.

Good.

Edith? Edith there?

Edith?

What's wrong?

Locked out?

No, it's all right.

Locked out.

Oh.

Mr. Swinney, why don't you come in and sit down?

Oh, that's very kind of you, but I really don't think I should.

Mrs. Swinney hasn't... Been too well since her dear mother passed on.

Well, I'll be all right. I'll take a walk or something.

Mr. Swinney, you're a saint.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Penny. Good morning, Mrs. Harris.

Did you hear?

Hear what?

She locked him out last night.

No. Yes.

The poor man.

If she goes on the way she is, one of these days he's going to do something to

himself. He's just the type.

Oh, poor Mr.

Swinney.

Gerald?

Are you bringing me my coffee?

Gerald?

What's all this about?

It's called reorganization, Edith.

I've always liked a good breakfast.

So instead of you cooking and me washing the dishes, I've decided to change that

around.

I'll cook and you wash.

Where's my coffee?

It's right there on the tray. I decided to have my breakfast first.

Yes, it's empty.

We need more.

Gerald!

Gerald, come here!

Yes, dear?

Don't you dare me.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to frighten me out of this house.

My house.

Let me tell you, you won't succeed.

You're imagining things, Edith.

Oh, Edith, you're imagining things. You must be.

Will you listen to me?

Every time I turn around, he seems to have a knife in his hand.

And yesterday, yesterday, he came home with a half gallon of stain remover.

What? You see?

Well, obviously he needs it for something.

Of course he does. That's what I mean.

Oh, Edith, Gerald's not the type. He's much too gentle.

Oh, no, he's not. Not underneath.

Oh, Laura, you've got to help me, you and Henry.

But how?

Come over Saturday for lunch.

Edith, I don't think... He's worse on weekends.

All right, Edith.

All right.

Laura, I've got to prove to you...

Gerald is a monster.

What are you digging, Gerald?

Oh, it's a surprise, dear.

This is my house and my garden.

I demand to know why you're digging it up.

It's, uh, it's going to be a fish pond.

A what?

A pond.

For a... fish.

I'm not as big a fool as you think I am, Gerald Swinney. I know what you're up

to. And as of now, you can start filling it up. Now! Now!

Hi there, Mr. Swinney.

Oh. Morning, Mr. Penny.

That's a pity.

Fish pond would have looked nice there.

Gerald, I've changed my mind.

We'll have the fish pond.

Anything you say, dear.

Well, go on, dig.

Dig!

And I'll thank you to mind your own business, Mr. Penny.

Oh, I don't know how you're standing. I really don't.

Oh, she's just a bit upset. Nothing to worry about, really.

I think my wife is right.

You must be some kind of saint.

Come in, come in.

Hello, here. Hello, Edith. How are you?

All right, I guess.

Well, you couldn't have arrived at a more perfect time. You won't be

disappointed. What do you mean?

I didn't tell him you were coming. And do you know where he is at this very

moment?

He's out in the garden, digging.

Digging?

Digging a grave.

Who for?

Oh, Henry.

I say, Edith, you kept the house looking awfully nice. Well, I certainly don't

know how. I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I'm afraid to even eat or

drink anything if he's been anywhere near it. Oh, Edith.

It's the truth.

Tins of weed killer, knives, stain remover.

And this morning, I found a book beside his bed.

A chemistry book with a bookmark in the chapter on acids.

Gerald's always reading funny books.

I mean, peculiar.

Henry, he's told me he's going to get rid of me.

Edith. Edith, Henry and I have talked about this, and we think you ought to

see a doctor.

Laura, there's nothing wrong with me.

It's Gerald.

He's acting peculiar.

Hi, Gerald.

Well, Henry, is there the surprise?

I didn't know you were coming over. How are you?

Oh, fine, fine. I've been keeping busy.

Yes, I see.

What is it?

Oh, I'm putting in a fish pond.

Oh, that's a good idea.

How has Edith been?

So-so.

Not good, really. Just between you and me.

Laura and I have been a little worried about her. I thought the best thing I

could do was sort of cheer up the place.

You know, do a little decorating.

But last week, I brought home a can of stain remover, and she just came apart.

Then I decided on the fish pond, but that hasn't set too well either.

You know, don't you, her mother left everything to her, and we got nothing.

Yeah, she told me.

Then it doesn't seem to have done her much good.

Edith isn't well.

We're all going to have to try and be very patient with her.

Excuse me.

Mr. Swinney?

Yes. I wonder if you'd mind bringing that around back for me.

Yeah.

Through this way? Yeah, right through there.

Okay.

Excuse me, all.

You make it through here?

One of those tanks.

Now do you believe me?

Edith, it's for the fish pond.

Oh, no, it's not.

It's for the acid.

Oh, don't be silly. Oh, really, Edith. You can't put acid into one of those

things. Unless it's glass.

How do you know what those things are made of?

Edith, you really must control yourself.

Even if Joe were planning something, what do you think he'd be so obvious

about it?

But he didn't know you were coming.

Don't you see?

Yes.

There's only one thing to do.

Tell Gerald to call the doctor.

No. Yes, Edith. I am perfectly all right.

It's just that I'm so frightened.

And that's just what Gerald wants.

He wants me to be frightened.

Henry, where are you going?

I want to talk to Henry for a moment.

If anyone ought to be frightened, it's Gerald.

What do you mean?

The state she's in.

She might do anything.

Henry, I don't think we should get mixed up in this.

Then let's go.

What are you whispering about?

Excuse me, please.

Gerald, we're going to have to go now.

You're going so soon? Afraid so.

There you are.

Thanks a lot.

Goodbye, dear.

Take care of yourself.

Edith, try not to worry too much.

Goodbye, Gerald, dear.

Drop in and see us, won't you? Bye, Gerald.

Bye, Henry.

Bye, Laura.

Nice seeing you.

What were they whispering about?

I am not stupid, Gerald.

Yes, dear.

I know what you're doing.

You're deliberately trying to frighten me, and you're deliberately trying to

turn everyone against me.

If I were Edith, it'd be very easy.

Because you're so predictable.

Oh, I am, am I?

Well, I'm not going to stand for any more of it.

I've been waiting for you to say that.

Get out of this house!

Stay out!

All right.

Sheriff.

I told you to get out.

Yes, dear, but why all this?

Don't bother about all that.

You get out and you stay out.

That's the way you want it, dear.

Gerald?

Gerald, I don't know what you're up to now, but I told you to get out and I

meant it.

Don't worry, Edith.

I'm going.

If you think I'm going to hang around, I'm not. I'm going to bed.

But before I do, I want it clearly understood that you are still

responsible for the upkeep of this house. Do you understand?

And don't come back until you're ready to apologize.

On your knees!

People are very sympathetic.

I timed my departure for 10 o'clock on Sunday morning. I knew this would give

them every opportunity to express their feelings.

Worried, I knew she was watching.

And she had another shot coming to her when she went into my bedroom.

I knew she would.

They're out here to see you, Rosie. Oh?

It's a woman.

Oh. She says it's important.

What does she want?

How do I know?

Miss Feather?

That's right.

I am Gerald's wife.

Oh.

Who's Gerald?

Well, I didn't expect you to admit anything.

Look, I got to change.

Yes, you do.

I don't know how long this thing has been going on, but it's got to stop.

Stop is right, because one of us is making a fool out of herself, and it's

not me.

Miss Feather, is this or is this not your photograph?

Where'd you get this?

In Gerald's bed.

But I... I let Gerald leave home because I thought it would bring him to his

senses.

Of course, I had no idea there was another woman involved.

You mean me?

Gerald knows I'll never give him a divorce.

Well, I'm very sorry, dear, but you've made a mistake.

Now, I've got to change.

I'd advise you to listen to what I've got to say.

Bye, dear.

Mrs. Swinney to you.

I said goodbye.

And I have no intention of leaving.

Oscar!

Gerald is coming back home.

Look, I told you, I don't know any Geralds.

If he refuses, I'll go straight to the bank.

Somebody help me!

One word to the manager and Gerald will be out of a job.

Oscar! You might be interested to know that Gerald doesn't have a cent to his

name. What is it, Rosie?

Do something. Anything. Get her out of here.

I don't mind saying what I have to say in front of a witness.

This creature has been carrying on with my husband.

What? I don't know her husband.

Come on, lady.

Not till she promises never to see Gerald again.

All right, all right, anything.

There, you see, she's admitted it. I'm going to be hysterical in a minute.

You'd better leave now.

Take your hands off of me.

This woman has given me her word in front of a witness that she shall no

longer associate or continue to associate with my husband.

And if she does, she knows what the circumstances will be.

That's all I came to say.

Good night.

Edith then came to the bank and threatened to expose me unless I

returned home immediately.

It was all working out very well.

But the next stage in the proceedings was going to need rather careful

handling.

help you? Oh, yes, I'm interested in acquiring a couple rats.

Rats, sir?

Yes, well, I've got a good selection at the moment.

Were you thinking of the Emperor Whites or the Ordinary Greys?

The Ordinary Greys, I think. I see. Well, they're right over here.

If you'd like to come this way.

You haven't been in before, have you?

No, I didn't think so.

Well, here we are.

As nice a selection as you can see.

I think I'll have that one. The big fat one, sir.

He's my favorite.

I call him Romeo.

Well, never mind. I can tell he'll be going to a good home.

Just the two?

Yes. I see. Well, why don't you look around?

You're fond of animals, I can always tell.

Won't be but a minute.

Mr.

Jones. Mr.

Jones.

That'll be $3.20.

Now that you've been in and seen my little place, maybe you'll be coming in

again.

Here we are.

Here we are.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye, Mr.

Jones.

Uh, hey, goodbye.

Gerald. I smell perfume.

Perfume? And it's on you.

Oh, it's a new brand of aftershave lotion.

You don't expect me to believe that.

I know you've been with that woman.

Gerald, we're going to have a little talk.

All right, dear.

It seems as though one or two misguided people think that you are going to do

away with yourself.

To have?

Mrs. Harris told me in the beauty parlor.

I know what you're up to.

You're only trying to get this sympathy and nothing more.

Really, Edith?

Well, I haven't been able to get the evidences yet, but believe me, I will.

And when I do, you can be sure that I will expose you in all your little

games.

And you needn't look so innocent, Gerald.

I know you've been seeing her, that... that dreadful creature.

Have to shave lotion.

Ha!

What is it, Edith?

Rats!

Rats!

Where

anything

as distasteful as rats was concerned, Edith would, I know, choose the most

private and discreet way of dealing with them.

She would not, therefore, seek the aid of any professional exterminators.

Of this, I am certain.

What was the alternative?

Trap?

And for reasons which you will more than understand, I was also quite certain she

would not ask me to do the necessary shopping.

All I had to do was choose my moment and find the hiding place.

And there it was.

Now everything was set.

Going someplace?

Yes. Indeed.

My own free will.

Just where do you think you're going?

To Rosy Feather?

You can't prove anything, Edith.

Even if you could, it wouldn't matter.

So, you admit it.

I've written you a letter, Edith.

I suppose you could call it a confession.

Perhaps a statement.

To whom it may concern.

I can see no point in my wife and I going on together.

I am wrong in what I am doing. The responsibility is entirely mine.

Time is the great healer.

And I've signed.

How do you suppose this is going to help you?

It doesn't matter, Edith.

You see, I don't care what you do.

I'm leaving you first thing in the morning.

Is that all you've got to say?

Yes.

Oh, it is, is it?

Well, let me tell you, you're not going anywhere. To Rosie Feather or anybody

else.

I am, Edith.

As you said, everyone on the block knows I'm desperate.

They're expecting me to do something.

Do you intend to leave first thing in the morning?

It's the only way, Edith.

Is it?

We were never really suited, were we?

Perhaps not.

Well, I'm glad you're not making the scene.

You don't really know me, Gerald.

Shall I, uh, make the chocolate tonight?

No.

I'll do it.

I'll make the hot chocolate tonight.

Gerald, I've left your chocolate on the stove.

You may help yourself.

Do you hear me?

Yes.

Yes, I heard you, dear.

Thank you.

you

Hello? It's Gerald. It's happened.

What? What do you mean?

He's dead.

What?

He's... He poisoned himself.

Good grief!

Poisoned himself?

Yes, I found a note beside his body and a can of poison in the kitchen.

Edith, are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Bonnie's upstairs?

Yes. The door on the left.

What is this?

Is something wrong?

You're supposed to be dead.

What? Are you Gerald Swinney?

Yes.

And you wrote this note?

Yes. Well?

I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused.

I don't know what to say.

I was going to leave my wife. We discussed it all last night, quite

rationally.

I planned to leave this morning.

I wrote the note because I wanted to make my intentions clear.

Didn't want it to appear that she was in the wrong.

What about the poison?

Poison?

In the hot chocolate.

Oh, my wife did leave some chocolate for me on the stove last night.

I didn't feel like... I don't know why I put it in that.

I didn't want her to think I hadn't drunk it.

She's a bit... sensitive.

Well, by the looks of things, I'd say you had a very lucky escape.

Good morning, dear.

I was very impressed by the way in which the law took its course.

All the pieces of the jigsaw fell into place.

The overall picture of Edith being, from my point of view, brilliantly

highlighted by the truly splendid work of the district attorney.

Now, Miss Feather, one of your many admirers, it seems, was unfortunately

careless enough.

to leave this photograph of you in a library book.

And it was by this accident that it came into Gerald Swinney's possession.

In other words... By chance.

By sheer chance.

Therefore, I'm right in saying that there was never any kind of contact

between you and Gerald Swinney.

Absolutely none whatsoever, definitely.

Edith seemed convinced that... that Gerald was... was planning to...

to do away with her.

How?

She mentioned knives, a book on acids, weed killer poison.

Poison?

Yes. So it could be said that although at this time she imagined herself to be

the prospective victim, she was obsessed by thoughts of death, of death by

poison.

The seed was there.

Thank you.

When the accused telephoned you that Gerald Swinney had poisoned himself,

what was your reaction?

Your answer is important.

We thought that Gerald must have done it in desperation.

Desperation?

Edith can be very determined.

You mean in preventing her husband from leaving her?

Yes. So that later, when the truth became evident, you were no doubt shot.

But were you surprised?

Yes or no?

No.

Thank you.

No further questions.

Mrs. Harris, will you tell the court now what happened at the hairdresser's?

Well, I thought it was my duty to make quite sure that Edith Swinney should

hear me.

Hear what?

Well, that she was driving her husband to suicide.

You tried to warn her?

Well, yes.

With what results?

She hit the roof.

I suggest that there can be no doubt that this was the incident which put

into Edith Swinney's mind the idea of being able to get away with murdering

her husband by making it appear that he had taken his own life.

Thank you, Mrs. Harris.

Yes, sir.

I recall real clearly.

The lady came into the drugstore and asked for some rat poison.

Is that all? She said she didn't want something that wasn't real effective.

We stopped three different brands.

She wanted something real powerful.

Well, I saw the door.

Mrs. Penny, have you ever been troubled with rats?

Rats? Rats.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Do you know anyone in your vicinity who has?

Well, of course I'd know, but I don't.

In other words, no.

Would you say that Edith Swinney's house was badly kept?

It was like a hospital.

Clinically clean.

Thank you, Mrs. Penny.

She said, uh... Uh... You devil, you devil.

Is there anything about these words that particularly impressed you?

Yes, sir. They're vehemence.

Thank you.

Your Honor.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

The defense counsel has insisted that you accept the fact...

that Edith Swinney is the victim of a diabolical plot designed by her husband

to lead her to the very brink of murder.

For what reason?

To incriminate her and to provide himself with irrefutable grounds for

divorce at the conclusion of this trial.

But the true pattern of events, as you follow them, must surely prove the case

against Edith Swinney.

She intended to poison her husband, there's no doubt about that.

By the grace of God, she did not succeed.

But she intended to succeed, and it was premeditated.

Need I say more?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I put it to you that Edith Swinney is guilty

of attempted murder and that there are no extenuating circumstances.

It's not true!

Guilty.

It's not true!

Guilty.

Are you all right, Mr. Swinney?

Oh, I'm, uh, I'm fine.

Now that it's all over, what are you gonna do?

Do? Uh, Mr. Swinney?

Uh, Gerald.

Gerald?

You've had a narrow escape.

But, well, life's given you another chance.

Yes. And you should take it.

You should free yourself.

You mean divorce?

When something's over, it's over.

Nothing will ever make it right.

Those are words of wisdom, Rosie.

Oh, I guess I'd better get ready to go on.

Oh, I'm in the way.

Oh, no, you're not.

I've only got one more show to do.

I'll be through by ten.

I don't... Suppose you'd care for something to eat.

Well, uh, um... Yes, I would.

Well, I'll stop back for you then.

All right.

Just after ten.

I'll be ready.

Well, uh... Bye.

For now.

Bye for now.

Hello, Mr.

Jones.

I felt somehow you might remember me.

I remember you very well, that goes without saying.

I'm so glad everything went so well.

What do you mean?

Well, I followed the whole case and I recognized your picture. It was a good

one of you.

As a matter of fact, I've kept it. I've had it framed.

Funny word, framed.

Yes, well, if you... Oh, no.

No, I thought we might have a little something to eat together.

Well, I'm afraid I have another appointment.

You know... I keep wondering why you didn't tell anyone that there might have

been rats in your wife's house.

Are you suggesting... You didn't even mention buying them.

No. You know, when you came in my shop that day, I knew you were

as lonely a person as I was. And, well, I had a sort of feeling we might meet

again and that everything...

would be better for both of us.

Funny, wasn't it?

Would you care for a sandwich or something more substantial?

Something more substantial.

Thank you.

I still have my wife, but you will notice I have gotten rid of my horse.

I wouldn't have cared if it were a talking horse, but I discovered this one

was ticking. I promptly gave it away. I felt there were others who deserved it

more than I, my sponsor for one.

After all, the very foundation of commercial television is the Trojan

horse principle, as witnessed the following.