Original subtitles

I want to tell you a story. I'm gonna ask you all to close your eyes.

This is your opportunity to rise from these ashes

and grab glory.

I'm not an actor playing a politician. I'm a politician who happens to act.

This is our past. This is where we have been.

This is how we got here. This is who we are.

And look, I'm willing to do anything…

For Texas.

And the Oscar goes to…

- Matthew McConaughey. - For Governor.

You should win a goddamn Oscar for that video.

I have watched that almost two times now and I…

every time I get choked up.

Yeah…

Look it, I really think we need to pick a lane here.

You know, I mean, you've been talking to me about being

a more serious politician and then, look…

this ain't that.

Matthew, if I may…

That video is totally exploitative, AI garbage.

And there's not a single clip of True Detective.

To be fair, Matthew looked insane in True Detective, okay?

He had a stinky little ponytail and it didn't test well with the women.

And I was wrong.

The general public does not care about substance when it comes to you.

They don't care what comes out of your mouth,

they just want to see that ass in some bike shorts.

- Preach! Let the goddamn people eat! - Yum-yum.

Matthew, your pretty little face… Okay? That's how we're gonna win this.

I'm not saying I wanna campaign with a brown paper bag over my head.

What I am saying,

is that I have a handle on the values that represent the face of Texas.

Like my dad's legacy,

all right? Integrity, morals, faith, hustle, innovation.

Boo! Respectfully,

I wanna fall asleep when you talk about your dad and his legacy.

Hey, watch your step.

I said "respectfully."

I'm not gonna run this campaign based on my celebrity and fame.

That would be like

Sydney Sweeney telling her agents she only wants to do voice work.

Right? I mean, the girl has once-in-a-generation breasts, Matthew.

Look here,

everything that I've accomplished in my life has been based on passion,

knowledge, grit and hustle.

New York Times bestseller, three times.

I've got a successful tequila brand,

I'm a visiting professor in two classes that I created at the University of Texas.

Now, was any of that achieved because of my celebrity?

Exactly! That would be like you telling me that the weed dispensary

that I created with John McEnroe and Bill Maher

is just because I'm famous.

Well, exactly. That's what I'm…

I'm sorry, are you guys fucking with me?

- What part? - What part?

It's finally here.

Now, who's the True Detective?

Oh, yes.

Jackpot.

- Okay… - What are you doing here?

Oh, my God. You scared me.

And why are you wearing gloves?

It's for a new TikTok trend. It's super dumb.

Anyway…

Matthew said I could borrow some of his… moisturizer.

Oh, no, that's my side. Here's Matthew.

This is Matthew's sink?

- Yeah. - Oh, no…

I mean…

Wow, it's-it's so immaculate.

If he ever committed a crime they'd never find his DNA.

Oh, no, he's like a hairless cat. And I mean, like, everywhere.

Right.

Fuck!

Suddenly, Seymour

Is standing beside me…

Here. Keep up. You're dragging.

He don't give me orders

He don't condescend

Yay.

- Look whose little princess… - Yeah.

…has some pipes!

Nice!

- Bravo! - Please don't patronize me.

That wasn't nearly good enough, and I can't blame it all on the piano.

Okay. Wow.

I'm never gonna get the lead in the school play.

Don't say that, sweetie.

Look, you sound great, just keep working at it.

And if you get the role, you get it, and if you don't,

there's nothing wrong with the ensemble.

Or maybe you could just call my teacher and get me the lead role?

No, maybe I cannot do that.

We don't coast on the McConaughey name in this family, sweetie.

You know, I mean, look, we were just talking about this, Clara.

You ready for a little LLL, life learnable lesson?

Your name gets you in some doors,

but after that you gotta earn whatever you get from there on your own.

You got to put in the work, gotta stick to the process,

you gotta trust the validation will come when it's time, okay?

It's called "paying your dues."

I mean, look, you got two pretty great actors at your disposal,

Oscar-winner, Oscar…

What do you call that when you don't?

Nominee.

Nominee.

I know it's hard to tell from River's piano playing,

but it's supposed to be musical.

Yeah, I'm the problem here.

I'm just saying…

It's really all about the singing,

so I doubt you guys could teach me anything.

- Au-to-the-contraire, lady. - Yeah.

We happen to be rather amazing musicians.

- In fact, I think if it weren't… - Yeah.

…for the acting getting in the way, we probably would've won Grammys.

Right. But this is Little Shop of Horrors, so it's probably not your style.

- Not our style? - Oh, please.

Hey…

- Why're you pretending to know our style? - Not our style.

- I mean, we don't even know our style. - Right.

We're undefinable.

You gotta hear it.

- I will never let you down… - Yeah… Never let you down…

How's the song go?

My love

Never let you down

No, no, no

My love

- Never let… - Never let you…

Well, good. Keep going. Good. One, two…

You know, I remember when men used to do things.

- I mean, substantial things. - My love

Never let you down…

I'll always be around

Literal rock star.

Thank you for sharing. I mean, like, hobbies are super important.

- This was… an experience. - See?

We've been trying to tell y'all we're a couple of multi-hyphenated,

dual potentials.

Yeah, man.

All right, so what's the plan?

Well, if Matthew and I can put our differences aside on the sound,

I'm thinking Europe first, build a cult following…

Theaters, and then festival run--

Okay, what happens up there?

- Dad, I need you to focus. - I am.

I'm talking about Matthew's DNA.

Did you get anything off him while you guys were playing tennis?

Maybe some… some blood? Or sweat?

While playing tennis with the Wilson brothers?

That requires full focus.

Have you seen Owen's ground stroke since he started golfing regularly?

No. And besides, I thought you were on top of the DNA?

Me? I can't be the only detective here.

Plus, everyone just sits on the couch all day.

No one ever leaves this house.

I mean, I can't be a criminal mastermind in these conditions. Okay?

Look, you have to help me.

Okay, so what you need is basically a vacated house for a little while?

- Yes. - Okay. Okay.

- Don't do the… - Okay…

Ha. Ha. Bingo, bango, bongo.

Oh, boy, what a beautiful mind you have, Wood.

So, when you go to the audition, you have to be the character on, "Hello."

Director's don't wanna see an actress act like the character,

they wanna meet the actress and go, "Oh, my gosh, she is the character."

Right? Now, let me tell you about the first time I auditioned for Nolan--

I gotta take this.

When did you get a cell phone?

It's just my burner.

Yep. Thanks for returning my call, Principal Trish.

Man, I am not getting through to this kid.

I have an idea I think could help.

Both because I know we're gonna be the next Sonny and Cher,

and also because it'll teach your daughter

the importance of hard work and not trading off your fame.

- Please. I'm listening. - Okay.

I think it's time we booked a gig.

- You think? - I know. Well, think about it.

- Wyatt works at a coffee shop, right? - Yeah.

That's a perfect venue.

Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, Jason Mraz, got their starts in coffee shops.

We'll be supporting Wyatt

- as well as teaching Clara a lesson… - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- …which she clearly needs to learn. - Yeah.

If we go out there as Woody and Matthew,

we're not gonna be getting honest reactions from the public.

- Oh, right. - Right? You know what I mean?

That's in direct opposition of what I'm trying to teach Clara.

- These mugs… - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

…you can't turn them off, man. They're beloved.

Leave that part to me.

How you going, sheilas?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

- You guys look insane. - Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you. - Yeah, yeah.

- Who did this to you? - Best in the biz, love.

Hooked up with the team who did the prosthetics

on Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder.

What's the accent?

- Outback. - Right.

Liverpool.

I couldn't do the Australian…

Sure. Yeah, but you can do the Liverpool.

- These older men are your friends? - I think you being groomed.

No, I'm not being groomed.

And I will close here every night this week if you let them perform.

We'll think about it.

Okay. Thank you.

Am I being punished?

Why do I have to listen to more of Dad and Uncle Woody's terrible music?

Because your father, in his own, unique way,

is trying to teach you a lesson.

Okay, the McConaugheys do not take shortcuts.

As my mother used to say,

"Shortcuts get you there faster,

but hard work makes it worth it."

But then what's the point of being famous?

Let's just go inside and watch your father's stupid show

and learn the lesson he's teaching you so we can all just move on with our lives.

I bet Blue Ivy doesn't have to deal with this crap.

Hello, sir.

Well, hello, customer. What can I get you this fine day?

Could I please get a vanilla frappe?

And don't skimp on the vegan whipped cream.

Yes, ma'am.

That is coming up.

And this is for you, barista boy.

- Wow. Thank you very much, customer. - What?

Coming up.

Fifty bucks?

- You must really like him. - Oh, no.

He's just my friend and the tip, it's a joke. I'm pranking him.

- Yeah, that's hilarious. Prank us too. - Yeah.

Cough it up.

Okay.

Seriously?

Roots DNA Testing. This is Brad.

In order to best assist, what is your first name?

It's Olive.

Hi, Olive, and how can I help you?

Hypothetically, if I was looking for someone's DNA,

but I couldn't, like, you know,

ask them for it,

where should I look?

Oh, my God.

Girl, tell me everything.

Small, cramped, authentic green room, mate.

I like it.

Well, the lower we go, the higher we climb.

- From the looks of this place… - Yeah.

…we're going to the tippy-top of the tippy-top.

Tippy-top, mate. Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh, hey, guys. - Oi.

Hey, need us onstage, barista boy?

Well, I was just getting some decaf beans actually,

but, yeah, you guys are good to go whenever.

Yeah. You hear my heart? Bouncing through my chest.

You ready to rock?

Crank it up.

- Let's burn this fucker down! - …fucker down! Yeah!

- Let's go! - Yeah, let's go, baby!

Yeah. Yeah!

'Cause we are stargazers

Neon light chasers

Seen more sunrises on my backside

Than the front

'Cause we telling you no lies

And we're here to testify

Oat latte for Jamal.

Oat latte for Jamal.

Dude, nobody's paying attention.

Stick with it, mate. We got this. Keep playing.

Keep playing.

'Cause we are stargazers…

What?

- Neon light chasers… - I can't hear you.

- Seen more sunrises from the backside - I can't he…

Let me step outside.

Than the front

No, I told Dad to cancel the appointment.

They don't like our kind

They don't pay our kind…

I think I'm learning the wrong lesson.

Stealing our spit to shine their shoes

You know, and then I'm like,

my dad wasn't really there for me when I was growing up,

so, like, why do I care so much about this DNA hunt, you know?

Stop. I literally feel like I'm talking

to the girl version of myself right now. It's insane.

Brad! Are you coming?

No, no. You guys go ahead.

Sorry, it's this bitch Dina's birthday and she always wears the dumbest hats.

Keep going.

You know,

maybe I'm just drawn to, like, unavailable men.

Maybe. Look, the same thing happened with my stepdad, Ron.

When he got really into the flat Earth stuff,

I knew that if I wanted to keep a relationship,

I was gonna have to go to some of those bullshit conventions.

But here's the twist.

A lot of what they said at the meetings made a ton of sense.

Look, my AA sponsor has been pushing me to, like, put myself out there more.

Would you wanna grab drinks sometime?

Oh, my God. I was just about to ask you that.

Oh, my God. Okay. I'm gonna DM you.

Expect a message from someone named DJ Ray.

Hold on. I'm getting another call.

Hello?

Olive, it's your father on your mother's phone.

Have you found anything?

I don't know how much longer we're gonna be going.

We're just getting killed in there.

Okay, why is this all on me?

I'm literally on the phone right now with customer support

because I can't find any of Matthew's DNA.

That man has the body hair of a goddamn banana.

Yeah, why does everyone keep…

You know what? It doesn't matter.

We need to find something that has touched Matthew's body

that hasn't been, like, scrubbed or, like, sterilized.

Just come down here, and we'll work it out.

Plus, we're about to start on some ballads.

Dad, I'm focusing right now, okay?

Could you just let me get back to it? Okay, bye.

Brad?

Goodbye, Woody, and welcome back, Brutus.

Hey, listen. It's not our fault. All right?

It's the fucking 4:00 p.m. time slot we got, right?

It's the fucking venue, mate.

Shitty acoustics, all the chair backs facing the wrong direction,

blenders going off in the background, no room on the fucking dance floor.

And hey, let's talk about the audience.

A bunch of unsophisticated, plebeian lowlifes

who have no appreciation for great music.

Yeah, mate. Hey, at least our families are here, yeah?

Dude, I'm talking about our families.

Twenty bucks if you come inside and clap for the band that's playing!

Am I interrupting anything? Twenty bucks.

Go inside, clap for the band that's playing.

Hey! I see you! Get back in there!

Hey, lady. For 50 bucks, I'll go back inside.

I'm not gonna pay you to support your own son.

Well, suit yourself.

Look, mate, hey.

Every great band was misunderstood in the beginning. All right?

We just gotta keep punching, mate.

I mean, sure, we could take off our disguises now,

walk in there and get a quick hit of validation, right?

But we'd be ruining

the great life lesson that we're trying to teach my daughter, Brutus.

Absolutely.

- Right? - Yes.

On the other hand…

I'm listening.

Woody and Matthew, right?

Woody and Matthew, you and me.

Dude, we put blood, sweat and tears into our careers. Right?

That's a good point.

We earned our scars to get right here today.

Plenty of scars. Yeah.

We don't need to make an excuse.

We don't have to fucking act like it's fucking Halloween

to go in there and prove some fucking point, man.

- I argue this, man. - Yeah.

- I think it'd be a better example… - Right.

…if you and I go in there as us and show our children

that their dads know how to enjoy the fruits of our labor.

Fuck to the yeah, man!

- You are Matthew McConaughey! - Yeah.

- You are Woody Harrelson! - And I'm--

Let's just stop covering up the fucking goods, right?

We'll give them what God gave us right fucking now, brother.

- Hello, Austin! Oh, yeah! - Hello, Austin, Texas!

This is Woody Harrelson.

This is Matthew McConaughey.

Thank you for being here. This song's called "My Love."

We wrote this on a little cop show called True Detective.

Been bound up

Been wound up Could barely get a sound up…

Are Wyatt's friends famous or something?

I don't know, but I call dibs on the old one.

- Which one is the old one? - Doesn't matter.

My love never lets you down

I'll always be around

Thank you very much!

That's for you, Clara.

Enter.

Hey.

What you doing, Clara Bear?

Just checking the Asian markets.

Speaking of markets,

this is a check that I am making out to your school

in a very sizable amount.

- Very generous. - Yeah, it's actually a gift.

It's not meant to influence, like,

for instance, whether you get the part in the play or not

because you're gonna get that on your own merit, right?

Can you make this out to cash?

All of it?

Yeah, just cash. Right there.

You do… You do understand

what I'm trying to teach you though, right?

Yeah. Cash.

I'm sorry today was a bust.

No, it wasn't a total bust.

One of the baristas is interning at Sony Music next summer

and I got her contact info.

So now, what? You're gonna snip one of Matthew's locks while he's sleeping?

What?

What?

Open it.

What is it?

What is that?

Remove it carefully.

Has anyone ever gotten a DNA sample from a prosthetic nose before?

Okay, I'm legitimately impressed and completely grossed out.

And the lucky thing is he had a slight nosebleed,

so we got the holy trinity. Hair, blood, mucus.

- Oh, my God. Good job, man. - Thank you.

I'ma call Brad.

Who's Brad?

Brad. From Roots DNA.

He has no filter.

We're gonna go to Cabo together in a couple of weeks.

Okay.

No turning back now.