Original subtitles

Previously on Young Sheldon...

Mary Cooper...

I want to sex you up.

[gasps]

I have good news.

Good. I could use it.

I got a job at the bowling alley.

Working with Brenda?

Every day.

I am so sorry about today.

I just hate to see you walk away

from the Lord. Feels like

He's walking away from me.

What is that?

Hamburger Helper.

It's official. We're poor.

We're not poor.

There's hamburger in there.

There's hamburger in there, right?

[grunts softly] I like Hamburger Helper.

It really does help your hamburger make a great meal.

Well, it's a good thing you like it,

'cause you're definitely poor.

Like us. We're fine.

Actually... Just eat.

Do we still say grace? Why not?

Mom's been taking a break from the church. Mom?

Well, I hadn't really thought about it.

We can if you want to.

Let's not.

As meaningless as it is,

I do find the ritual comforting.

Well, somebody make a decision. That slop's getting cold.

No, it's good cold or hot, like Grape-Nuts.

Ooh, can I say it?

Sure.

[Missy clears throat]

Bless us Lord for the food we are about to receive

and bless the hands that prepared it.

And let me have a good hair day for school pictures

later this week.

[sighs] Let's see, what else do I want... Wrap it up.

And please let my dad find a full-time job

before we lose cable. Amen.

[others] Amen.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

So...

how's it going with this whole

no church thing?

It's a little weird,

but I'm figuring it out.

Think you might go back?

I don't know yet.

Maybe find a different church?

I don't know, George.

I'm gonna get a beer.

You, uh,

care to join me

like the good ol' days?

Just 'cause I'm not going to church

doesn't mean I'm suddenly a drinker.

Okay. Well, then I guess

me and my friends will say goodnight.

We need to talk.

About what?

You do their taxes. How bad off are we?

Based on their part-time income,

we're going to run out of money by the end of the year.

Before or after Christmas? Before.

Not what I wanted to hear.

[sighs] Anything we can do to help?

Perhaps we could sell our stuff.

But I like my stuff.

I like my stuff, too.

Let's keep thinking.

[phone rings] [laughter over TV]

[TV mutes]

Hello?

Connie. Grant Linkletter.

Hello, Grant.

What can I do for you?

Well, I looked at my calendar and realized it's been six weeks

since I last asked you out, so

I thought I'd give it another shot.

You ask me out every six weeks?

Used to be nine, but we're not getting any younger.

I'll tell you what...

fine.

Really? Why not?

[laughs] Excellent.

But I want to be clear,

this is just one of those-- whatcha call it--

Uh, platonic things.

We're just having dinner.

I'll take it.

Now, would you prefer a restaurant

or some good home cooking?

I make seven kinds of soup.

I think I'll just stick with a restaurant.

Fair enough,

but one day,

you'll try my mushroom barley,

and your taste buds will swoon.

Good night, Grant.

The secret is how long

I cook the onions.

Chicken coop, now.

[door closes]

Hi.

What are we doing?

What are you doing?

What, you hired Mary

to work at the bowling alley.

She needed a job.

I was being nice.

Well, you don't think it's a little weird?

[scoffs] This right here--

It's all weird.

[scoffs sighs] Are you drunk?

Not nearly enough.

You and Mary working together is a bad idea considering...

you know, you and me.

We haven't done anything, George.

But there was considering. You know there was.

[scoffs] What do you want me to do?

You want me to fire her?

No, no. That'd be weird.

Which is exactly where we started. Good night.

[sighs] [door closes]

You understand what I'm saying.

Okay, so what are you good at?

I'm popular.

That is not a skill.

You can't do it. Fine.

Oh, you could go on Jeopardy!

Never. I don't like answers in the form of questions.

I like my answers in the form of answers, and my questions

in the form of questions, thank you.

Ooh, perhaps I could sell story ideas

to TV shows like Star Trek.

Do you really think they'd listen to a kid?

My voice has gotten deeper.

The other day, I answered the phone,

and they didn't mistake me for Mom.

Star Trek's not gonna buy your stupid ideas.

We'll see about that.

I have one where the Enterprise

falls into a time tunnel,

and Worf becomes a Worf

from 12 minutes in the future.

We could let people punch you for a buck.

No, all our profit would just go to medical expenses.

Hey, Brenda, I was trying to

do the books for the quarter, and I was having

a little trouble making sense of it.

You know, Mary, if...

if it's too big of a mess, and

you'd rather work somewhere else, I'd understand.

No, I'll figure it out.

Great.

So happy you're here.

[chuckles]

Hey, there.

Oh. [chuckles]

Hi, Mary.

[laughs]

Finally found an eight-pounder that's not pink.

I didn't know you bowled.

I didn't know you did either.

Actually, I, um,

I work here now.

Oh, sure, okay.

I...

I'm so sorry

about how things

went down at church.

If it helps at all, the place has gone to heck since you left.

Good. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

I sure do miss working with you.

Well, we can still be friends,

even if we don't work together.

I'd like that.

You find a kiddie ball yet?

It's not about the weight, just...

I have small fingers.

Oh, uh, Mary, this is Shannon.

Shannon, this is

Mary Cooper. Hi.

You used to be Mary Tucker.

Oh, not in a long time. [laughs]

You remember me?

Sorry, no.

Shannon Dixon. You used to babysit me.

Is that so?

She was so great.

She would let me stay up late and watch TV

while she would make out with her boyfriend.

[Mary laughs]

I don't... remember any of that.

Oh, I'm not surprised. You used to hit my dad's liquor cabinet

pretty hard. Well, Mary Cooper.

I was... young and hadn't found the Lord.

You two have a great time.

Here's that invoice.

Oh. Great.

I see Pastor Rob's here again.

Oh, does, uh...

does he come here often?

Not with that one.

She's new.

Well, good for him.

Single, good-looking pastor.

In a small town like this,

he might as well be Roger Staubach.

Oh, my God. The Dallas Cowboys.

Oh, sure, course.

Um... hey, if you need me,

I'm gonna be in the office doing...

office things.

What are you doing here?

I ran out of beer at home,

didn't feel like driving to the store.

Oh, so you just waltz in and help yourself?

'Bout sums it up.

I'm changing the locks.

[laughs] Cheers.

So, how's my daughter doing?

Eh, she seems okay.

Still trying to figure things out.

I got to be honest, I'm not exactly upset

about less religion in the house.

[chuckles] I hear you.

Although, Jesus making her forgive me

has come in handy more than a few times.

[chuckles] Yeah, I played that card, too. [chuckles]

Then again, I remember Mary before God

got His mitts on her, and...

[chuckles] ...she was pretty wild.

Don't have to tell me.

I was the person she was wild with.

Oh, she was wild long before she ever met you.

What do you mean?

Did you think that you were the first person she was wild with?

Well... yeah.

And just when the Enterprise is about to be

assimilated by the Borg,

another ship appears, piloted by Wesley Crusher.

Uh-huh. It's surprising because

Wesley Crusher left the show years ago,

so it's a big deal.

If you say so.

I have more. Commander Data...

I'd like a reservation for dinner.

Yes, I'll hold.

You want to do this over dinner? Okay.

I'm taking your grandmother out tonight.

She didn't mention it to me.

Maybe because it doesn't concern you.

My meemaw, my professor--

Who's in the middle of that Venn diagram?

Yes, two people at 8:00.

8:00's a little late for Meemaw.

What time does she like to eat?

Well, she's old like you, so 6:30 at the latest.

Can we make that 6:30? Wonderful.

Hold on. Does she like French food?

I'll call you back.

Anyway, Commander Data...

Let me ask you a question, if this Commander Data

were taking your meemaw out for dinner, where would they go?

Almost certainly the holodeck.

Sounds trendy.

Is that in Houston?

Hello.

What's up?

I saw your "help wanted" sign.

I'd like to help, please.

How old are you?

How old do I need to be?

14.

[scoffs] Do I not look 14?

I don't care. Perfect.

So, when do I start?

All right, hold on, do you even like comic books?

Yeah.

What's your favorite?

Um...

And the cool thing about the X-Men is not just

that they have superpowers, but they act

as a metaphor for outsiders...

...outsiders trying to find their place in society.

Who's your favorite?

All of them.

Mine, too.

And I got the job.

You can't work at the comic book store.

If anyone should work at the comic book store,

it should be me.

Sorry, we're not hiring.

Do I at least get a discount?

I do.

[muffled crying]

Oh, hey, hi. [sniffles]

Oh... You okay?

Not really.

It's been a... rough couple of days.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Makes you feel better,

I've had a pretty good couple of days,

and I'm still gonna get drunk.

[laughs]

Want to join me?

Yes.

That would be nice.

More sad than nice,

but let's go. [chuckles] Okay.

So... this is unexpected.

Well, I know you like margaritas,

so my first thought was a Mexican restaurant.

Good thought.

But I assumed other men had come

to that same conclusion.

They have. Which led me to Polynesian fare.

I like to think of the Mai Tai

as the margarita of the South Pacific.

You don't do anything on a whim, do you?

Did once, didn't like it.

[TV playing faintly]

I have an idea

for a Star Trek episode

I'd like to present to you.

Why me?

Because I'm hoping to sell it,

and since it's going to be broadcast television,

I want to make sure the common man can understand it.

[scoffs] Well, I understand I was just insulted.

Excellent, I came to the right common man.

[TV clicks off] We start on

a gas giant in the vicinity of Rigel IV,

then see a shuttlecraft,

a dot of silver against the inky blackness of space.

Inside the shuttlecraft,

we see Lieutenant Worf struggling to breathe.

He's been infected by a vicious intelligent fungus.

Where are you going? I'm listening.

Cough, cough.

Worf is choking on spores,

but not just your everyday spores,

these are spores with their own

evil agenda. Uh-huh.

And, as he sinks

into a coma, a mysterious figure

in a spacesuit approaches.

He lowers the visor of his helmet revealing...

Future Worf. Are you hooked?

Oh, yeah.

Main titles.

Cue theme song and the soothing voice

of Patrick Stewart as Captain Picard says...

"Space..."

"...the final frontier."

Who's Patrick Stewart?

Feeling better? I'm fine,

just having a little moment earlier.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Mm.

Mmm.

♪♪

Seems like running into Pastor Rob kind of...

kind of rattled you a little bit. [chuckles]

Oh, well...

I was asked to leave the church,

and he's still there, so...

it's still a little fresh. Mm.

Yeah, I get that.

Seems like a nice guy, though. Oh, yeah,

he's great.

Cute as a button.

I guess.

I prefer a bigger man.

Like George?

Oh, yeah. Bigger the better.

Deep within the Enterprise's control room,

Future Worf says,

"I willingly sacrifice myself

for the good of this mission,"

then throws himself into the warp core.

There's an explosion of tachyons.

The Enterprise blasts free of the gigantic field of fungus.

Fade out.

[toilet flushes]

Written by Sheldon Lee Cooper.

What do you think?

If this Worf fella was infected on the shuttles,

why would he come back to the Enterprise

and put everyone else in danger?

Well...

[Adult Sheldon] My father found a flaw in my story,

my sister had a job I envied.

It was a big day for the common man.

But then I had an idea that,

like Future Worf, was ahead of its time.

[knock on door]

[Sheldon] Missy. What?

Why is a dollar worth a dollar?

[sighs] Sheldon, I'm busy.

Me too. I've solved all of our money problems.

I'm going to invent my own digital currency.

Like, printing your own?

No. First, we assign value to difficult-to-find numbers

and store them in a computer database.

Then we create an algorithm to mine the numbers,

then we encourage people to switch from currencies

that are government-backed to ours.

It's brilliant. I'm going to be rich.

Speaking of,

did you know Batman is also secretly a rich dude?

Or he lives in a rich dude's basement.

I'm still figuring it out.

[sighs]

Oh, thank you, tiki woman.

So...

what's going on at work?

I don't want to bore you with science talk.

No, no, I'm interested.

Excellent. We're in a race with the Finnish team to see

who can correct the unification of the leptons.

As you can imagine, the world waits anxiously

while we see who crosses the finish line first.

So, the Finnish may be at the finish line?

[laughing]

Oh, you're witty, too.

More cheese to bait the trap.

Maybe we should order dinner.

Nonsense, there's food right here.

Pineapple,

prickly on the outside,

but beautiful inside,

just like you.

And you know that Shannon girl...

With Pastor Rob?

She was a bedwetter.

[laughs]

Ten years old.

That's not normal.

Maybe he'll get a fun little surprise

on their honeymoon.

Oh, no, they're not getting married.

Well, how do you know?

[scoffs] I don't.

I just think he could do better.

Mary Cooper.

Are you sweet on him?

No! What?

I am a married woman.

Happily.

Well, I was married once, too, didn't stop me from looking.

Well, I'm not looking.

Where you going?

To dance.

I didn't think you Baptists did that.

We don't drink, neither.

Ooh!

Look at me. Ooh! Wow.

[Mary laughs]

I'm pretty good.

Are you familiar with the phrase,

"You need money to make money"? No.

Well, it's a phrase, and my clever twist on it is,

"I'm going to make money to make money."

Mm-hmm.

Now, when I say "make money," you might think that

I'm talking about counterfeiting, but no,

I'm talking about creating a unique decentralized

digital currency that people can pay to own.

Sounds like a scam.

No, it's an open-source currency

that has value due to mathematical scarcity.

Sounds pretty scammy.

[scoffs] You don't understand.

I do.

You say a bunch of fancy jibber-jabber,

people don't want to admit

they're too stupid to understand,

then they give you their money.

Well... um... sort of.

Love it. How do we get started?

Well, all we need is a mainframe computer.

How much is that? New, about half a million dollars,

but I'm hoping to find something slightly used.

Time will prove me right.

You're not gonna believe this,

but I don't go on a lot of dates.

No.

It's true.

Sure, I did okay as a younger man, but

there was a war on and

most of the able-bodied men were elsewhere.

So, you sowed some oats, I get it.

A whole field of them.

I was the Johnny Appleseed of oats.

Okay. [laughs]

But here's the thing.

Once you put off matrimony past a certain point,

women start to think of you as... What's the word?

Creepy? There it is.

And then along comes you,

my little Texas firecracker,

playing the game of life

by her own set of rules.

I'm a firecracker, I'm a pineapple...

Good for me.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Oh, I wish you wouldn't.

How would you like

to make love to a man

who shook the hand of Albert Einstein?

And... you did.

This one right here.

I didn't wash it for a week.

Not a selling point.

Excuse me for a moment.

I have to toss my cookies.

[door closes] [TV playing faintly]

Hey.

Where you been? [TV clicks off]

Brenda and I went dancing.

You went dancing?

Yeah, and I'm darn good at it.

[chuckles] Okay.

The kids asleep? Yep.

You want to fool around?

Are you messing with me?

I'm hoping to.

Well, hot diggity dog.

Welcome to King Kong Comics. I'm Missy.

If you have any questions, please let me know.

I don't have any questions.

I know more about comic books than you do.

Okay. What you may not know is the new

Green Lantern just came in.

Also, if you like green things, I recommend Green Arrow,

and, of course, the Hulk. His skin is green.

I know that. Everyone knows that.

Uh-oh, are you gonna smash things?

That's something the Hulk does when he gets upset.

I'm not upset.

Cool. If you need something,

I'll be at the front counter. Where I work.