Original subtitles

Thank you.

And that, dear students, is the last time Hollywood couple Gail Evelyn and

Peter Sherwood ever appeared in front of a camera.

Wow, for a silent movie, that was such a turn-on. I didn't even know sex existed

back then.

Well, Miss Collins, I think you should check your family tree. I think you'll

find it's been around even longer than that.

Monument Pictures must have been devastated. I mean, losing two of their

biggest stars, one right after another.

It is a true Tinseltown love tragedy, to be sure. I mean, here's Peter Sherwood.

He rises to fame in the 1930s in the famous costume dramas like Kitty Hawk

and Bull Run, and then is cast alongside the feisty Gail Evelyn. The gossip

columnists ate it up, called it the monumental affair.

That's so romantic. I'm such a sucker for Hollywood love stories.

Well, unfortunately, Tabitha, this one has an unhappy and mysterious ending.

How so, Professor?

So, just days after that home movie was shot, the private Sherwood was sent to

the Pacific Theater. Unfortunately, his transport plane was presumed shot down

over water and never recovered.

My God, how awful for her. She must have been heartbroken.

More than that, she went into hiding. She fired all her help and she became a

total recluse. She locked herself up in the mansion that she and Sherwood had

bought each other. But what happened to her?

Well, Ms. Connors, had you read Griffith's Haunted Hollywood as I asked

you to last week, you'd know the answer to that question.

I've read it. I just must have skipped that chapter.

I see. All right. Well, I probably should refresh everyone anyway, as we're

going to be spending the night in her mansion tomorrow.

What? But I thought that was unobtainable. Mike, when you and the

others signed up for advanced psychokinesis, it was to study ESP,

spiritualism, and most certainly ghostly phenomenon.

So? So despite the fact that this university is run by antiquated ghouls,

you're probably not very likely to run into any ghosts here on campus.

Then we're in.

Yes, I did work some magic, and so we have access as of tomorrow.

But wait, what happened to her?

Well, that's just it. Nobody knows.

When the relatives finally broke down the doors, all they found were cobwebs,

some unopened mail, and this handwritten note by her, which said...

All right, this is just a copy, you understand.

What's it say?

My dearest Peter, I will never let anyone break the sanctity of our

honeymoon home.

I await your return.

Love forever, Gail.

Oh, that's so sad.

Makes me want to cry.

According to the relatives, the only crying was for help once night fell and

the evil spirit of Gail Evelyn manifested.

Wait, wait. You mean this house is haunted for real?

By a missing in action movie star, no less.

The house has been on the market for more than 60 years. No one's been able

to spend more than one or two nights here without running in terror.

And this is where we're spending the weekend, you say? I expect everyone to

be in the quad parking lot at 2 p.m. sharp.

Bring food and your own pillow if you want, and anything else you think you

might need to survive.

You mean like a crucifix in holy water?

Couldn't hurt.

Always better to be safe than sorry.

did their own version of Pirates of Penzance.

Yeah, that sounds good.

You should be packing.

As a matter of fact, it is good. I'll pack later.

Hey, I wasn't really into that.

Aren't you the least bit apprehensive about spending the night tomorrow in a

haunted house?

To put it bluntly, no.

And why not?

Candy. You and I have been in Professor Rand's supernatural class all semester.

True? Yeah, true.

Well, in all that time, can you name one moment, any moment, where even the

remotest supernatural event occurred?

Well, there was that one palm reader.

He knew I put in an application to sexting with the stars.

Forgive me, honey, but everyone on your Flutter account did also.

It wasn't exactly a national secret by any means.

So, you're saying you don't believe?

I'm saying I'm from Jersey.

Now that's a show me state.

Let me see with my own eyes and you got me.

Show me, huh?

That's it.

If I can eyeball it, touch it, feel it, you've won me over.

All right, Mr.

Skeptic.

So you ready to catch it feel it and I thought the pirate cartoon was good

Don't

worry

dancing with me come dancing with me

come dancing with me

Don't wanna hear about it Don't wanna talk about

it

Come dancing with me

Come dancing with me

dancing with me come dancing with me

I see you have reservations.

As a matter of fact, we do.

Tomorrow night at a haunted house.

Not those type of reservations, silly, silly boy. Your woman here has second

thoughts about traveling to a place that is inhabited by such a troubled and

restless spirit.

You mean Gail Evelyn?

Yes. Her burdened soul is trapped there in that dank dwelling you speak of,

awaiting a release that may never come.

How can you tell all that?

I was born with a gift. I'd say a couple.

So why is she here?

After death, most spirits rise up to a greater reward.

However, there are those unfortunate souls that are forever bound to this

earth by, let's say, unfinished business.

Really? Like, waiting for a lost love?

Exactly.

Her lover may have moved on to a greater plane, but her vow to wait for him may

anchor her to this mortal coil for all eternity.

Oh, my gosh.

Maybe we could actually help her?

How? I don't know, but if she appears to us, maybe we can explain?

I don't know about you, doll, but if she appears to me, don't go grabbing for the

trousers flying out the front door.

Why? Because I'll be in them.

Mike, stop it.

Be serious?

I am being serious.

Any horny ghost shows up, I'm gone.

Yeah, you say that now.

Wait! Listen very carefully.

If you do perhaps make contact with her, you must first be anointed with the Love

Wraith for your protection.

The Love Wraith?

What the hell is that?

It is a counter-spirit that will protect you from all forms of harm.

Great. And how much is that gonna cost me?

Mike! What? I'm just asking.

For such beautiful people as yourselves, it will be free of charge.

Now that's the type of price that I'm talking about.

How do we get started?

Simple. Just kiss your friend over here.

Just kiss her? Yes.

You know, I think I'm starting to change my opinion about mind readers, madam.

Is that it?

Now you must pass the love forward.

You mean kiss him back?

No, dear.

The love must pass through me first.

Really? Really.

And now we complete the circle.

Help me Help me all over Help me all over

Help me I'm the sweetest teaser I'm

the sweetest teaser Help me Help me all

over Help me all over Help me

I'm the smoothest hook

I'm a smooth sucker. me tame your wild tiger tame your wild tiger

come here and thus me dear

grab there

and everywhere

wrap me and my

long hair

Strap this I'll be your man

Hump me Hump me

all over Hump me

Suck on my boobies

Hump me

Help me all over.

Help me all over.

Help me.

Help me.

Nibble on my cherries. Nibble on my cherries.

Help me.

Help me. Help me all over.

Help me all over.

Help me.

Help me. Let's get hot and simple.

Get hot and simple.

Help me.

Help me. Help me all over.

Help me all over.

Help me.

Help me. Welcome to my brothel. Welcome to my brothel.

You are my favorite all-time nailer.

Suck me.

This feels so killer.

The best, happy little clunker.

Number one, golden portawaska.

I'm the sweetest teaser.

I'm the sweetest teaser.

Hug me.

Hug me. Hug me all over.

Hug me all over.

Hug me.

Hug me. I'm the smoothest hooker. I'm the smoothest hooker.

Hug me.

Hug me. Hug me all over.

You do realize we're only going away for a night, not an entire month?

Hey, you always want to be well prepared.

You'll be thanking me later.

Trust me, babe.

Okay, Mr. Scoutmaster.

It's already five after. Why are we hanging around?

Yeah, everything seems ready to go. We're waiting for a surprise guest.

Who's that?

Let's just say she'll play a key role in our weekend of paranormal adventure.

She?

Who's she?

Yeah, look at that.

Get a load of that chassis.

Yeah, and the girl's not bad either.

She looks familiar, too. Hey, she better not look too familiar, Buster.

She should look familiar to everyone. She's the great-granddaughter of Don

Cummings. Oh, man, that's that chick from the film yesterday.

She was the one that was filming.

And she's a dead ringer for her, too.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Samantha Hazel. Samantha is our

special guest for the weekend.

Samantha, this is...

Tabitha, Mike, Zane, and Candy. I feel like I know you guys already.

Thanks to the professor here.

It's nice to meet you guys.

Likewise. I'll say.

Samantha is the great-granddaughter of the once-famous movie actress Dawn

Cummings. Dawn was Gail Evelyn's best friend.

Pardon me for saying, but you're a dead ringer for that girl in the film.

Thank you. She was beautiful. I know.

After Gail disappeared, in her will, she left all her possessions and the house

to Dawn Cummings.

My family's owned the house ever since, and the curse that goes along with it,

unfortunately.

I've been emailing Samantha back and forth for quite some time now. She's

been very helpful in my studies.

The legend surrounding the spirit of Gail Evelyn was something my family

never wanted to talk about.

So why now?

I'd been writing letters to Gail's mother for quite some time, but she

never wanted to have anything to do with my paranormal studies.

Fortunately, Samantha has come of age and has a different frame of mind.

But how do we fit into all of this?

Simple. We're going to see if we can't reach across into the spirit world and

find Gail Evelyn.

Yeah, simple.

Well, if we can somehow release Gail's soul, the house can go clean and she can

rest in peace.

Jeez, the plot thickens, huh?

Can you show some respect sometimes, would you? Sorry. No offense meant.

Well, nothing is standing around yapping. Let's get this show on the

road. Excellent idea, Mike.

Wow!

This is quite a place. Even more majestic than I expected.

Spectacular. I'll say.

If I was a ghost, this is why I'd come a-haunting.

Damn. It really is creeped out in here.

Not movie creepy.

Real creepy.

I know. I mean, it feels like, I don't know, we're being watched or something.

Candy, don't say stuff like that. I'm already scared.

Not much like the classroom, is it, guys?

No, not at all.

Hey, follow me upstairs. I'll show you to your room.

Upstairs? Yeah, that's where the bedrooms are.

And the bathrooms, too, I hope.

You'll have your choice of three lavish commodes. Great, because I could really

use a shower.

Zane, why are you thinking about taking a shower in a place like this?

Because I was cooped up all day in that van.

You had air conditioning.

Not where I was sitting.

Candy, just let him take a shower.

I'll keep you protected, okay?

Come on, pal.

Let's go out and grab the bags. That's right, guys. Let's get settled because I

want everybody down here at 7 o'clock sharp for the seance.

You didn't say anything about a seance.

Well, how were you expecting to contact the dead, Miss Crane?

Facebook? There's a bunch of dead people on Facebook.

All right, Miss Hazel, if you will.

Right this way, ladies.

7 p.m. sharp.

Now don't hog all the hot water.

If there is any.

I've been standing here for ten minutes, and the thing is still ice cold.

Don't sweat it, ladies. I just went down to the cellar and turned on the heater.

You went down there alone?

Yes, I did, and I'm sorry to report no ghost sightings yet.

You know what? It could stay like that till morning.

What? I thought you girls were all about all things paranormal.

Not me.

My boyfriend.

He actually did tell me that there were no ghosts and that this was an easy

pass. So here I am, just enjoying the ride.

Well, at least you're honest. What about you, Tabitha?

Well, I'm doing this for my dad.

He was a magician in Vegas for years until he retired.

As a little girl, I remember him saying that magic was more than just an

illusion, that it was a gateway to places unknown.

After he passed on last spring, I decided to do some investigating on my

own just to see if it was true.

Aw, I never knew that, Tabby.

Well, girl, want to come get clean?

I'm in.

I'm not sure how long this heat's going to last for. You guys mind if I join

you? The more the merrier.

oh oh oh oh

Thank you.

Are they in there?

I believe so.

Do you think they'll make contact?

From what that couple told me last night, they've got a really good chance.

Professor Ranz had amazing success with supernatural communication.

Okay, but what good does that do either of us if we're stuck out here when he

makes contact?

Do you think it was just a coincidence that couple came to my shop last night

to have their palms read?

I'm not sure.

Well, I'm telling you it wasn't. It was a sign from Gail Evelyn herself.

She knows who I really am, and she wants me to be here. I'm sure of it.

Sure of what, ladies?

Can I help you?

Yes. I'm Sandy Smith. This is my friend Blanche Thompson.

Your neighbor's on either side.

We heard some noise over here this afternoon, and we were sure some new

folks had moved in.

Ah, the welcome wagon.

Yeah, that's it, yeah.

But instead of ringing the front doorbell and introducing yourselves, you

thought it best to sneak in the backyard with some binoculars and check things

out first.

Yeah, that's it. Totally innocent.

I'm sure it is.

Look, Mr... Call me Zane.

Zane. I know you know we are here trespassing.

But I can assure you there's a very good reason.

Which is?

Well, I met two of your very good friends last night when they came into

my shop to have their fortunes told.

Hmm.

I heard about that on that drive over this afternoon.

Sounds like everyone had a hell of a time. Well, when they told me about your

plan to contact Gail Evelyn, I just had to be here.

Why is that?

Personal reasons.

You're going to have to do a lot better than that, Madame Zolta, is it? Yes,

that is my professional name.

And this is my colleague, Selina Petruska.

She's another psychic who occasionally fills in for me on weekends.

She's a moral support.

So, what do you say, Zane? Could you accommodate two extra party crashers at

your little seance tonight?

I'm not really sure.

Well, I'm sure the two of us could make it worth your while.

You mean?

Would you like your palm read?

Sure.

Selena, let's take care of that.

You know, I think I can predict my own future.

Me yeah

Thank you.

Hey girl, don't take too long. We have the seance coming up.

Just gonna be a minute.

Gotta look good for the ghost.

Tabitha?

I see faces everywhere.

Reach for the stars.

Reach so high.

It's alright She don't care what they say's right or wrong

Come on now, let it go

Let it roll, let it ride Is this love, is

this love that I'm feeling?

I see faces everywhere

It's alright, it's alright.

I see faces everywhere.

Reach for the stars.

Reach so far.

it's all right it's all right she don't care

Looking for something?

Oh, hey, Ken.

I could have sworn that I packed my favorite blue... Whoa! Hey!

Sorry, Ken.

You can look if you want.

So, you like my new lingerie?

Yeah, they're amazing.

I mean, it's amazing.

I just thought it'd be something fun to bring on the trip.

Fun for the whole family.

Well, if you like what it looks like on me, what about what it looks like on the

floor?

is is

oh

uh

What do you think of those two, Professor?

They seem innocent enough.

Well, to be honest with you, I'm not thrilled with either one of them.

Well, I can understand that. But I think their unexpected arrival here may be for

the good.

OK. It's just that this haunting has been in my family for so long, I'm

hesitant to let anyone new in.

I get your point. But you know, they might offer us spiritual guidance during

the seance.

Yeah. That's what I was kind of afraid of.

Well. I don't want you to worry, because I have this.

What's that?

That is a 3,000-year-old amulet meant to worship Osiris.

3,000 years old, and you keep it in your pocket with your car keys and your

change? It's pretty cool, though. What do you use it for?

Well, some say you can use it to contact the dead.

So it's kind of like an ancient cell phone to the dead.

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Well, geez.

Where did you pick up a little trinket like this, Doc?

I mean, I'm sure they don't give it away with every camel ride you take.

As a matter of fact, I bought it off an old fuck here.

An old fucker?

Fuck here.

Fuck here.

No quake ever sounded like that. Oh, it sounds like it came from upstairs.

Mike Zane, come with me.

Is it a van?

No, upstairs.

You think that's such a good idea, Doc? Mr. Crawford, you've been scoffing at

the spirit world all semester.

Now's your chance to prove me wrong once and for all. Okay, okay.

What the hell is that?

The holy water. You never know. It's good to have a backup.

Right.

All right, you ladies wait here, and remember, stay together.

Do not worry.

I will keep you all safe from evil.

Oh, great. Now I feel totally secure.

Do not discount the powers of the great Madame Zolta.

Oh, far be it from me.

Who goes first?

Well, Zane, it sounds like you're actually becoming a believer. In some

odd way, I think I've probably done my job as a teacher.

Doc, I can tell you right now. By dawn, I'll be an out-and-out convert.

Well, follow me. Let's see if this manifestation doesn't lead us to Gale

Evelyn. Um, I may have already been there, done that. How do you mean?

Well, earlier this afternoon, I may have had a close encounter with the spirit

world. You mean you felt her presence?

That's not all I felt.

I don't hear them.

Do you think they found anything?

Oh, God, I hope not for their sake.

I know one thing. Gail Evelyn still lives in this house as she has for the

past 70 years, and she would not be thrilled with uninvited guests.

You mean like us?

Definitely like us. Wait!

Quiet, everyone.

Selina? Selina, do you hear that? Yes. Yes, I do.

Fate, but growing stronger.

What? What's fate? More to the point, what's growing stronger?

Another spirit approaches this house from the nether regions.

Who?

That is not yet clear.

But we must prepare for an ectoplasmic explosion.

Should I get a tarp or something?

Is the spirit evil?

No, not evil.

It is clean, but very, very powerful.

All right, let's split up and search the rooms. Split up? That's the worst idea

ever. I say we make it a group thingy. Come on, what do you think? I say you're

scared shitless, Mr. Crawford.

No, not in the least. Well, maybe a tiny bit.

All right, you go down that hall, check the master bedroom. You go down this way

and check the bedrooms, I'll check the bathrooms.

Right, Doc. Beautiful.

Anything more yet?

Yeah, who's the mystery ghost?

We know now that the spirit poses no threat.

In fact, he is filled with great positive energy.

Love, if you will.

Peter.

Peter? Who's Peter?

Peter Sherwood.

Gale's long-lost lover.

He's come to reclaim his bride.

Oh, how romantic.

What the heck is that?

Do not be afraid.

It is ectoplasm. Pure love in spiritual form.

Ladies, take off your clothes.

Bathe in it. Caress it. Become one with it.

So why'd you sit here all alone?

It's been too long tonight.

Dance, dance, dance.

Gonna make you dance, dance, dance.

So why'd you sit here all alone?

It's been too long tonight.

So why'd you sit here all alone?

You wouldn't like to learn.

Dance, dance, dance.

Gonna make you dance, dance, dance.

So why'd you sit here all alone?

You wouldn't like to learn.

Oh, baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, baby.

Baby.

You make me feel good. So why'd you sit here all alone?

You make me feel good.

How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? This is Gregory McGurkin, your host for

another in this series of The Evening Chat.

In entertainment news, Monument Pictures released the name of their newest

picture today, which stars Gail Evelyn and Peter Sherwood, gone by... Samantha,

what are you doing here? The prof told you ladies to stay downstairs.

Samantha, I do not know of this name.

You were right. You look a little pale.

Actually... You're beyond pale, girl. You're downright transparent.

Lady, let me out of here. I'm a believer, I swear.

Nothing can interfere with the covenant.

Covenant? What covenant?

The two will finally be together, reunited.

You mean Gail and her husband?

That's what we came here today to accomplish.

She has longed for him for so long, and now the two will become one.

Beautiful. I'm all for romance. Trust me, lady, but can you let me out of

here, please?

And the medium will be the conduit. She will bring them together.

You mean Zolta?

Can't be.

She's a quack. She will bound them together and complete the circle.

But how?

She couldn't tell the future with a box of fortune cookies.

Her ancestor was a Sherwood.

Her inner light is bringing him closer now.

So that's why she showed up unannounced. She cannot resist our call.

Tell you the honest truth, I'm, uh...

I'm finding you somewhat hard to resist myself.

I have not felt the passion of human flesh in so long.

Well, is there any possible way, you know, uh... You could join in?

Never thought I'd be saying this, but yes.

Please, come.

I hope to.

Do I please you?

Baby, you're the ghostest with the mostest.

Find anything? You?

Nothing. See Zane?

No, but... Oh, hey, there he is.

What's the matter with you, buddy? You look like you've seen a ghost.

I did, and she had quite a story to tell.

You mean you actually spoke with Gayle Evelyn?

No, but I got a mouthful from her friend, Don. It seems Madame Zolta

downstairs has a long-lost relative of the soldier who got shot down during the

war. The spirits sent her here to guide this Sherwood fella back to his girl.

That's it, then.

What? I'm a fool for not thinking of this before.

What's that?

When Gail Evelyn wrote that note to her husband.

You mean the one about not leaving the sanctity of her home? Yes. She may have

inadvertently cursed herself to eternal imprisonment. Behind these dark walls,

my God.

Only Sherwood's appearance here can set her free.

Well then, I say we get this seance going and make it happen.

Thank God it's happening.

What? What's happening?

Peter Sherwood's finally coming home to claim his bride.

Oh, my.

Look, there.

It's Gail. I'd recognize that beauty anywhere.

She's waiting for his arrival.

Just like us.

He will be here shortly.

Damn, he's gorgeous.

They both are.

Are they really going to do it?

Wouldn't you after nearly a century?

I feel like we're intruding.

They don't mind us watching.

It offers proof of their undying love for each other to the mortal world.

Oh, my heart is putty.

Ditto that.

Suckin' genie.

Want that weenie.

Fuckin' genie. Pump that weenie.

Wholesome genie.

I'm so dreamy. Window steamy.

I'm your fuckin' genie. Cross my bottle.

My pussy throttle.

Want that wee-wee.

Fuckin' genie. Pump that weenie.

Pornosex show.

Watch that hoe.

Say an abu-dabu, baby.

I'm a suckin' genie. Want that weenie.

Fuckin' genie.

Pump that wee-wee. Tube and steak candy.

Crocked and blurry.

Your cock so flinty.

Want that dicky.

That's so tasty.

My coffee candy.

Squirt so sticky.

Taste so dandy.

Heart my Andy.

Feeling filthy.

12-inch chubby, insane, abu-dabu baby.

Come on, everybody.

I think we could all use a cup of coffee.

Magic is more than just illusion.

Daddy?

Daddy, is that you?

What did you say?

Believe in the magic, sweetheart.

Just believe.