Original subtitles

- Aww! Look at the friends having fun.

Whatcha playing? - A game.

- There's lots of cards. - Yeah, a card game.

- Are you this beautiful princess?

- It's called Princess Wars. The box is right there, Lhandi.

Very intense. Very important to keep your focus,

and very important to let Jep know

that I currently have enough mana to enact--

Whoa! Crystal Throne, my bitch!

- You had a Town Tower! - You tiny, little bitch.

You're gonna be licking my princess boots

by the end of this.

- You dirty bastard.

I didn't wanna do it this soon, but Arranged Marriage.

- [groans] Oh! What?

- And what about me with my card that I made?

- No, it's a two player game, Lhandi.

- JEP: "Outhouse Digger?"

- Well, you gotta watch out for him.

He'll dig right underneath you and peep up.

Peep right up your princess part.

- Princess doesn't use an outhouse, Lhandi.

They've got chamber parts. - Wait, wait, wait.

- [sniffing] Oh, God, she's coming.

- KITTY: Oh, Danny!

- Don't let him look at my cards.

- Let me look at them, please?

- Jep. - Oh, I'm a bad princess.

- Kitty, fancy seeing you here every night.

- What is it about you?

You look like a lollipop I could suck all night.

- I'm a lollipop today.

- Oh, you know, just peel off your wrapper,

put the wrapper in my pocket, forget about it entirely,

run the clothes through the wash,

and find the wrapper again

all torn up into crumbly little white bits.

- I'm not following. - And I get real hard on myself

for not being more thorough in my chores.

- What? - Ooh! You did that to me,

you bloody little lollipop. - Yuck!

- Now fetch me a Brandy Alexander, you mutt.

- Coming right up, Kitty.

[sighs] I really can't handle Kitty tonight.

Lhandi, is there any way you could run interference?

- [stutters] What's that, Onorato?

A magical cupboard?

- You're the worst liar I've ever seen!

Jep, what about it, buddy? Please. Just one night.

- Oh, I don't know, Danny.

- I'll give you my Extreme Turret card.

- [gasps] No takie-backsies?

- No, actually let me find a lesser card.

- I won't do it for anything less than Crystal Heel.

- Crystal Heel, done.

- This is for you, then.

So, erm... to make you talk to me,

[clears throat] what sort of things

do you find distract you?

- Oh! [chuckles] Aren't you a funny little man?

- Oh, I don't know... [clears throat] I'm just Jep.

- Kitty Rose-Dupree. Charmed.

- Oh, you have a lot of name. [chuckles]

[gasps, grunts]

- Jep? - [sniffing] I can smell ya.

You better come out, you bastard,

and get what's coming to you!

- Jep, what's going on?

- It smells like a flower's trying to sneak up on me,

but I can't find the bastard.

- Oh! [chuckles] You rump roast.

Have you never smelled perfume before?

- BOTH: [laughing]

- [coughs, chuckles] Aren't you just a darling?

- BOTH: [chuckling]

- And time was different. - Uh-huh.

- I don't know what I imagined a magic cupboard to contain.

- Breakfast please, Lhandi. - There's my guy.

- Oh, good morning, Mr. I-had-a-sustained-

conversation-with-a-lady! [chuckles]

- Yeah, it went a little too well.

Kitty wants to go on a date.

- Jep, that's great! - DANNY: Hey!

- [stutters[ What are you so worried about?

- Because I'm Jep,

and Jep always makes a muck out of romantic things.

- Oh, just don't overcomplicate things!

Get her some flowers. - Oh, honey!

A gifted flower is inherently stolen from the earth.

With it you create not a lover, but an accomplice.

- I see, no flowers then.

- I say hit 'em with the sob story.

Doesn't have to be true, just pathetic.

- Danny, that's horrible advice.

- Well, no, I-- No, you're right. Yeah.

I think this is what happens when you grow up without parents

to teach you right from wrong.

- Oh! I'm sorry.

- See what I'm saying? - [scoffs] Oh, Danny!

You know what? You just gotta be yourself,

and she's gonna think you're great,

just the way we do. - Yeah.

- [chuckles] I should probably

still drink myself legless though, yeah?

- Yes, please do. - ONORATO: [alien language]

♪

- PATRONS: [murmuring]

- Jep, I love the suit. - It was my brother's.

They were just gonna bury him in it.

Can you believe that? - Oh!

Aren't you a juicy steak!

I just wanna serve you with no trimmings,

and if anyone looks at me like, "Where are the trimmings?"

I'll remind them that they're not listed with the steaks,

they're on the next page, you idiot. [chuckles]

And I make them feel very, very dumb,

even though I know that the menu is confusing.

- Hello, Kitty. I look forward to being myself at you.

- Oh! [chuckles] - [nervous laughter]

- [whispers] Sob story. - Nice chump.

- So, Kitty, uh...

Something you may not know about me

is that I was a poor child who died in a fire.

- Oh, yeah.

- What's it gonna be like if Jep has a girlfriend?

- What? Oh, come on. He'll still be our fun little guy.

- Uh? Danny. I was wondering if it'll be all right

to show Kitty around the place, like a tour.

- [mumbling] Sounds like it's going well.

[clearly] Sure, have fun. Have fun.

- Okay. Oh, Kitty, over here, see.

That is where I got stuck behind the radiator

chasing that marble I was telling you about.

Lookit.

- Well, gang, to Jep and Kitty. - To Jep and Kitty!

- ALL: [cheering]

- KITTY: Oh, yeah! - JEP: My, oh, my!

[bed creaking] - JEP AND KITTY: [moaning]

- All right,

I'm going for a walk, who wants to come?

- KITTY: Ride me like a monkey in a tree.

- JEP: Oh, I'm every animal. I'm every animal!

- I'll give them this. Never would have guessed

that they would keep it up for two days.

- Yeah, well, I wouldn't have guessed

that they'd choose my room to do it in.

So, yeah. Jep? Buddy? - [knocking]

- JEP: What? Wait. - KITTY: Ooh!

- [panting] Hi, Danny.

Me and Kitty were just cleaning your room for you.

- Yeah, we all know exactly what you're doing in there.

- You can hear us cleaning? - Pretty obvious.

- It's actually driven away all the customers,

except Gross Lee.

- Lee, how are you? - Big fan.

- Oh, my gosh, Danny, Lhandi, Lee, I'm so sorry.

I'm so embarrassed. - No, Jep, hey, look.

Hey, you don't need to be embarrassed, okay?

I think what we're saying is that we could all use a break.

- Yeah! No, absolutely.

- We're worried about your little hips, you know?

- [chuckles nervously] I'll go take care of it.

[whispering] We can do it,

we just have to be quiet, they'll never know.

- KITTY: It's dirtier when it's quiet.

- Yeah, it's worse. It's worse when it's quiet.

- JEP: You're so quiet. - [bed creaking]

- JEP: Oh! You're so quiet.

- DANNY: Topiary's a good card.

Anything you can do to spruce up your estate--

- [speaking alien language]

- You can ride the horse.

- [speaking alien language]

- No, the Boot Polish is important. It's intimidating--

- [speaking alien language]

- They're all good cards! They're all good cards.

God damn it!

[exclaims] Oh! Jesus Christ! Okay.

- Gross Lee, I-- - Lee, you can't come back here.

- Out the door. Out the door.

- Hot breath on Gross Lee.

Oh, Danny, I'm sorry. Maybe I could learn to play.

- No, it's not just the game.

It feels weird to say out loud, but, I miss Jep.

- Well, that's not weird.

You two are together all the time.

Why don't you just ask him to come have a beer?

- I did, but he said he was too busy painting Kitty.

- Well, you just wait. Once the honeymoon phase is over,

Jep will get better at making time for his pals.

- Yeah. Yeah. Or...

- [knocking] - Hey, Jep? I need your help.

You remember that marble? - JEP: [scoffs] Oh!

It got behind the bloody radiator again, didn't it?

- Oh, Danny! What brings you to your room?

- [music playing] - Cut the crap, Kitty.

You've been using Jep to make me jealous.

Well, congrats. I'm a wreck.

- Oh, I knew it would be hell for you

to see me with another man.

But I care for Jep now. And that's just the way it is.

- Damn it, Kitty, I can't accept that.

Can't you see I'm in love with you?

- Danny, why do you do this to me?

- Why does the scorpion sting the frog

on the way across the river?

- Oh! - It's in his nature.

- Danny, don't talk scorpions.

You know I can't resist that.

Take me like the lowly roach that you are.

- Okay, wow! Oh! So fast with this. Good.

This is-- I like this.

Well, we should be a bit cautious, though, Kitty,

Jep could be back any second.

- I know. Isn't it exciting? Oh! Wait!

Which one would you rather be?

Sexy little fish boy or priest with leprosy?

- Jesus, how to choose? But, really, Kitty,

Jep should be back any second.

- Well, I didn't see it roll in here, are you sure?

[gasps] - Oh, no, Jep!

- Danny, I can't believe this!

- I'm sorry, pal, I just couldn't resist Kitty,

who is also very much to blame and be upset with,

so I'll just step out now,

so you two can cordially break up.

- No, this is great!

I told you he'd be into it, Kitty!

Just let me get my cucking chair.

- Your cucking chair? Okay. Shit.

Okay, right. - [grunts] All right!

- So, it's not an issue, then? - No, it isn't.

- Let's do it. - Awesome!

Well, this is what I wanted.

Holy shit, all right. Jep? - I'm gonna roast you...

...like a sweet little baked potato,

then shove you in the oven.

- DANNY: Okay, Jep, I trust you guys. This is trust!

- KITTY: That's what I'm gonna do to you.

- DANNY: I'm trusting you! - PERSON: Come on, Jep.

Get in there. - Oh! Who the hell was that?

- Oh, that's just my husband, Griff.

- GRIFF: Charmed. - He's the uber cuck!

He watches from the walls, and every now and then,

gives out a very satisfied moan.

- Okay, no, no no. No, no. I'm actually good.

I'm starting to realize that I'm more of a prude

than I thought I was walking in here.

So, um... Jep? - Danny?

- I'll see you around, pal.

- GRIFF: [sing-song] I'm softening.

[dogs howling]

- I better tighten your bodice, Your Highness,

and get a load of this card! [chuckling]

- It's like walking into the throne room

and just putting a vial on the floor.

- Move aside, fair sorceress!

Time to show this impostor

who really wears the petticoats around here.

- Jep. Are you coming up for air from Kitty?

- It's over between me and her.

You know, a woman like that, no one man can satisfy her.

No, her eye has fallen upon Gross Lee.

Still in your room, of course. - Right, no, that's fine.

I don't think of it as my room anymore.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, pal.

I know how much you cared about her.

- Well, it weren't just that, though, I mean...

I miss being here, having a beer with you!

And I think I was having some heart attacks

that we just were ignoring. - DANNY: Right.

- Nothing but tingles on the left, here.

- Well, 'tis better to have loved and lost,

than to have your ass smoked by the Disloyal Jester!

[exclaims loudly] - Oh, you dirty, dirty bastard!

- Fuckin' nerds!