Original subtitles

[hyena laughing]

- [hics]

[merry music playing]

- Ooh!

- Just... stay put! - [electricity crackles]

- Hey, that's what I call teamwork.

- Lhandi... [chuckles] ...I'm a tool.

- Keep it up, pals. - [laughs]

- Stop squirming.

- Well, do a firm touch and not a tickle touch.

- Danny, my man, up top.

- Your enthusiasm is disgustingly infectious, Lhandi.

- [chuckles] And I love making you sick. [imitates barfing]

- That's... All right, thank you.

- [sighs] Okay.

[rock music playing]

- [Onorato speaking]

- Hey, Onorato, I'm just, um...

- [Onorato speaking]

- Oh, I... Um, I'm just grabbing some towels.

- [Onorato speaking]

- What are you listening to in there?

- [Onorato speaking]

- You should write a list of music that you listen to

and give it to me, I'd love to check it out.

- [Onorato speaking]

- Yeah, that's not right. I can educate myself.

Oh, I'm gonna walk out of the room backwards.

Look at me go backwards!

- [Onorato speaking]

- I'll put it back up, I'll put it back up. I'll put it back up.

- Wait, no! Please don't eat me, all right?

I'll give you anything, I'll give you my...

I don't have anything. All right, let's do it.

Let's do...

[theme music playing]

- Aah! Ooh.

- Looking good, you two.

Keep it up.

- Uh, you know, it doesn't matter what I do,

I just don't think Onorato likes me very much.

- Oh, come on, that's not true.

- Then why does everyone else have a cool picture with Onorato

up on the party picture wall and I don't?

- Don't you? The-- There you are.

Hey, right there. - That's a broom.

- Is it? Is that not...

But that... You know what, that's his favorite broom.

So, uh, don't overthink it. Onorato's a tough nut to crack.

Sometimes a friendship just needs a solid story

with just a hint of trauma.

- [rock music playing] - [Jep gasps]

- You can't build a good friendship glue

without killing a few trauma horses.

- Yeah, that's interesting.

- Sorry, what's going on right now, are you...

You're concocting something? - What? No.

Me? No! [chuckles] - I can see your wheels spin.

- I was just thinking, "Hey, if a dog and a cat got married

who would officiate that wedding?"

- Whimsical answer. Hmm. Tracks for me.

- Yeah, okay.

- A wise old tortoise, with a little cane.

Yeah, that's good, Lhandi, very good.

Maybe he'd wear a hat. - Lhandi?

- Huh? Who?

- You've been sitting here for four hours.

- Right, yeah. - Talking about a wedding.

- Yeah. - A cat and dog wedding.

- I've got to get a glass of water.

[hyena laughing]

[grunts]

Onorato, uh, ca-can you come help me change a keg?

- [Onorato speaking]

- Yeah, it's just weak Lhandi over here.

- And enter stage right! Give me all your money.

See, I gotta zip zap out of here with a fat sack.

- Oh, God! Please sir,

please, you can take anything you want,

just don't hurt me or my friend.

- Come here, mum.

Ah! Ha! Whoo! Eh! [exclaims] - Whoa... [whimpers]

- Haha.

- Oh!

- [groans]

- Onorato, no!

- [Onorato speaking]

- He was an actor. I... I paid him to pretend to rob us.

[stutters] It wasn't real.

- [Onorato speaking]

- [stutters] No, no, it wasn't a sex thing for me.

I... I thought that if we went through something tough together

that you'd like me more.

- [Onorato speaking]

- I don't know, I thought it would be like a charming ruse,

but... No. - [Onorato speaking]

- Mm-hmm.

- [Onorato speaking]

- I... I can help if you want.

- [Onorato speaking]

- Uh... He's falling, yeah, it's slipping.

- [Onorato speaking]

- I can... [panting]

- [Onorato speaking]

- Uh... I'll... I'll fix it.

- [Onorato speaking]

- Yeah, I know, I see that.

Hey, hey. I... I made this diorama of us.

[mumbles] That's you and that's me and this piece of lint

represents my supreme guilt and regret.

- Cute. - Yeah. [chuckles softly]

- [Onorato speaking]

[Onorato speaking]

- [sighs]

- Roto, buddy, you've gotta give her a break.

She feels terrible.

Plus, she's not great when people are mad at her.

[munches]

- LHANDI: Hey, Onorato.

Look at these little worms, they represent... Ow! Ow!

- [Onorato speaking]

- No... No, don't go back there.

- [Onorato speaking]

- Oh, oh! Shit. No, that wasn't... I didn't do it.

I didn't, Lhandi... Lhandi, get in here!

- Oh, God, did he find the broom?

- [Onorato speaking] - [whimpers]

I don't know why I put it in here.

- [grunts, exclaims]

- Yeah, good job, baby.

- [exclaims]

- Oh, shit. - Sterling Oswald.

Agent to the most bookable roster of actors

this horrible, disgusting wasteland has ever seen.

My card.

- Oh, you almost gave me a heart attack, man, what the fuck?

- One of my precious little actors has disappeared.

[gasps] Oh, no! And according to my records,

his last gig was right here on The Oasis.

- Right. Well, we don't know anything about that, man.

We sort of... We don't like actors

so we wouldn't have one around.

- I've lost one of my clients,

and I'm not going anywhere until I am properly compensated.

- Holy hell, you can just say any of this stuff normal, man.

How much are we talking about here?

- [laughs] You can't just pay me off. Am I right, Ricardo?

- Can't help but notice that

both of them are responding to Ricardo.

- Okay, I won't be leaving

until I sign another actor to my roster.

It's a pretty standard contract.

I take 10% of your earnings and you are...

♪ Mine for the rest of your pathetic little lives ♪

- That's a lot of stuff in under the...

- I'll do it. - What?

Did you hear the part that he sang at the end there?

- I am Ricardo now.

- Oh, God, another Ricardo.

Jesus Christ, is there anybody else?

- Oh! - Oh, okay, okay.

I guess I could see you as some kind of...

- Kinda busy. - ...asexual neighbor woman.

- Okay. - Okay, this will have to do.

- The sexless neighbor? Okay, I'll take it. [chuckles]

- [Onorato speaking]

- [gasps] What? Who's this?

Rippling muscles,

a natural inclination toward a headband.

Umh! If I slap some bangs on that forehead,

I've got a red hot star all over my hands.

- Oh, God!

- Okay, I'm going to draw up the appropriate papers.

You say goodbye to your little community theater friends

because by morning...

♪ You'll be mine! ♪

Ricardos, let's go.

- [groaning] - [rock music playing]

- Jesus Christ!

- JEP: What a degrading profession.

- Onorato, why did you do that?

You can't leave, we need you here.

- [Onorato speaking]

[Onorato speaking]

[engine starting]

[grunts, gasps]

- What the hell are you doing, Lhandi?

- Look, I can't let Roto

sacrifice himself to the life of an actor, Danny.

I would rather that he hates me for the rest of time

than have him taken away from us.

- XANTHENA: Danny, you'd better get out here.

- God damn it. Okay.

- [actors laughing, exclaiming]

- [speaks indistinctly, grunts]

- Enter, Ricardo.

- The cat!

- [exclaims] Thought you could prance away, did you?

Well, I'm not gonna be nice, nice boy anymore.

♪ Get him, thespians! ♪

- You're like penny to a punch!

- [groaning]

- Danny! [grunts]

- [groans]

- [grunts] - [screams]

- [groans]

- [groans]

- [grunts] - [grunts, groaning]

- [grunting]

- Hup... Unh-huh.

- [choking]

- [grunts] Yah! Unh! [pants]

- Ah! You'd have made such beautiful pictures.

- [gasps]

- [Onorato speaking]

- [claps]

Bravo, team, bravo!

- What? - Yes!

- [Onorato speaking]

- You see, Lhandi's initial plan wasn't necessarily a bad one,

she just shouldn't have been involved.

Plus, these guys... These are actors!

[laughs] I was actually scared at one point, I was like,

"Did they remember that they weren't actually

supposed to hurt us?"

They're tame as bark. Aah!

- Oh, my God, thank you so much.

I am merely a vessel, you know.

We're aching to contain the spirit of the stage.

- Cool, man, really cool.

- So you... you've been lying to us this whole time?

- What? Yeah, no, I just said.

- [Jep screaming] - [all gasping, groaning]

- Jep, stop! Jesus, it was fake, Jep.

We went over this. They're actors!

- Oh!

That was this!

Well, in my defense, I mean, this is a very eventful bar.

[rock music playing]

- [Onorato grunts] - [Lhandi laughs]

I don't know if I could play asexual.

I know I have kind of a teen energy that wouldn't work. Yes.

- [Onorato speaking]

- Thanks, no, I feel okay about it.

- Well, good news is they've forgiven us

for the whole shooting incident.

Bad news is... - [giggling]

- You guys listening to me?

- Did you, uh... Did you hear something, Onorato?

- [Onorato speaking]

- Okay, I see what you're doing. No problem.

I can handle that.

- I'm sorry about the broom thing.

- Put my figure back in the middle of the diorama now!

[theme music playing]