Original subtitles

- [laughing] You were thinking it though, too, okay?

I can tell that you and I are very copacetic. [chuckles]

- Oh! That's nice. I love our banter.

- Oh! [laughs] - [laughs, exclaims]

- Ugh. Look at this.

Lhandi's freak radar is all over the map.

She's like a freak magnet. You know what I mean?

Which, okay, take a note, Jep,

that's definitely on our list of possible band names.

I like that one a lot. - Freak Magnet.

- Yes. - I don't know.

You really think it's that much better than leopard pills?

- Uh, leopard pills?

- Oh! This is the wrong list. Sorry.

- Oh, hey. Yeah, sure. Okay, I'll see ya.

- Wai... Whoa, whoa, Lhandi,

did that guy just walk out on his tab?

- Barry? Oh, yeah. No, but don't worry. He's just...

He forgot his money in his car. He'll be right back.

- Oh, you... - [laughs]

- ...you sweet, silly thing. [chuckles]

- "In his car." - LHANDI: What?

- Goddammit, Lhandi. He fleeced you.

- You guys are so wrong.

Look, look. He left his keys as collateral.

- That is clearly our staff bathroom key.

Do you not recognize the gem of Gamora?

- Okay, I'm looking at it now. And I'm...

And I'm seeing it now. - Mm-hmm.

You know what that gem does, Lhandi.

It keeps us regular.

I'm just trying to keep us regular.

And you're really getting in the way of that, Lhandi.

- Leads me to believe that you have been letting him

use our staff bathroom. Is that true?

- He's a nervous pee-er, Danny.

I mean, come on, I'm not that stupid.

What are you gonna tell me next?

That he doesn't know a guy

that can properly tune our novelty singing fish?

- Oh! - [gasps]

- Honey, no. - He took the fish, too?

Motherf...

- ♪ Well, you're a big town lady ♪

♪ Your toes in the river ♪

♪ Wag 'em around ♪

♪ Make 'em get round... ♪ - Hahaha.

- DANNY: Come on, man, just pay your bill

and hand over the fish.

There's no point in running out on a bar

that can literally chase you.

- No, I'm not... I'm not running out.

I'm just going to get your fish fixed.

And I parked way over there.

- DANNY: Hey! Hey!

[theme music playing]

Lhandi, you have got to get a better read on people.

- I... I thought that he was a lonely guy.

He just needed some company.

We had a very genuine connection.

- The world is full of predatory people

who are going to take advantage of gullible goobers like you.

I could have you wrapped up in a pyramid scheme now

if I wanted to.

Lucky for you I've already got Toad Man in my down line.

He has spent a fortune on some very dubious supplements.

- What? - Don't you "what" me.

You can "what" me after you sell four more cases of supplements!

- Okay. - Well, I just believe

that people are basically good.

I mean, take you for example.

You're dismissive, you're caustic,

you tell me that I can't sleep in my room as a punishment,

but I think that you do all of those things

because you really care about me.

- Phew. - [clears throat] Thank you.

- You know, I'm honestly surprised

you've never been kidnapped, Lhandi.

I actually think you might have benefited

from that kind of trauma.

Ah, shit. Of course.

- Been nice, apple slice.

- And a perfectly perverted salutation.

- [Jep laughing] - [Xanthena laughing]

- When you laugh that hard

it vibrates through, but it feels good.

- [both laughing]

- What do you think, Danny? Should I try to whoop him?

- Nah, this is the end of the road for us, pal.

Let's get out of here.

- No, wait. No, wait. What are we doing, okay?

We came all the way here.

Let's just run after him and grab the money.

- Lhandi, this swamp is home to a certain, uh,

subsection of depraved individuals.

A wasteland within the wasteland.

They are creepy freaks no one likes.

Yucky, yucky bad people.

- Beautifully put, Xanth. Just not worth it.

We'll swallow the tab. How much could it really cost us?

- Oh, uh, here. - I'm sorry.

He had three pints of milk?

Jesus, that's a red flag if I've ever seen one.

Does that seem like... seem like normal guy behavior to you guys?

- [both laughing]

- God, his milk must have been so creamy.

- I'm almost surprised Lhandi has never been kidnapped.

- DANNY: I was saying the exact same thing. Are you serious?

- [laughs] - DANNY: I just said that.

- You and me are two electrons, Danny. Two electrons.

- That's it. - XANTHENA: Yeah. Yeah.

- We're synced up. - Synced up.

- Synced up. - Synced up.

- Synced up. - Synced up.

- Synced up. - Synced up.

- [Onorato speaking]

- Synced up. - Synced up.

- Wait. Oh. Oh.

Don't mean to cut the sync but, uh...

I think my gun is gone.

- I'm sure it's here somewhere, baby.

- Lhandi, have you seen, uh...

Okay, Lhandi is gone. Lhandi!

- Oh, my God! Danny, you're not gonna believe it.

- What do you got? - My gun is gone.

- Yeah.

- Hmm? What... What?

- [Onorato speaking]

- Where did my gun go?

- [laughs] - Jep's in a loop.

- Aw, there, there, Jeppie. - Hey!

Lhandi, where are you? You're missing Jep's loop.

It's... It's funny as hell. I love it when he gets like this.

- Wait a minute. Nobody move.

- Someone's got your gun?

- Yeah. How did you know? - [chuckles]

He's deep in it. He's deep in the loop.

He's gonna be stuck here for a while.

- Oh, we're gonna have to go back a couple steps.

I think I dropped my gun.

- DANNY: Yeah. Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah, it's good.

- Screw Danny, you know, making me feel so stupid.

I can take care of myself.

Oops. [chuckles]

Sorry there, Mr. Tentacle. I don't think that's your home.

Now you have a great day.

Oh, a food truck all the way out here.

I have got to come back sometime.

This place looks great.

Bingo.

Oop. Oops again there, sir. That isn't where you live.

[laughs] Uh...

Poor thing must be blind.

Okay, Lhandi, just flash him the gun

and demand the cash. Okay.

- Lhandi! - [gasps]

- Aah! Holy hell. Wow!

You shot me! - We...

- Why would you do that?

We didn't even have any banter yet.

It doesn't cost you nothing but a bit of time

to do some banter before you open fire.

- Oh, Jesus Christ, Lhandi, you shot him.

- Turn around. I can't see what's going on.

- Did you even have any banter?

- No! No banter at all.

- No, we didn't have any banter.

- I started some banter and she shot me.

- You just opened fire on this poor guy and made him cry.

- I didn't mean to...

- I feel like you have been listening to any of my stories.

He sets up the trap,

witty banter, and then maybe,

maybe you get to shoot him.

- But you're gonna have to set the stakes.

- Okay, I get it. - Well said.

You have to set the stakes.

- Okay, set the stakes. - Set the stakes.

- LHANDI: Set the stakes. - BARRY: Set the stakes.

- Set the stakes.

- The talking part is the fun part

before someone gets murdered.

- No more gun for you. We are sorry, sir.

Sorry about this. We will leave you to your bleeding. Lhandi.

- Nice meeting you, nice man.

Oh, and hey, no worries about the arm, by the way.

Let's just say I got plenty to spare.

- That's either sexual or ominous.

Doing a quick peek-a-boo and, yep, we're in trouble.

Okay, shoot him, Lhandi!

- [Lhandi gasps] - [screams]

- [screams] - [whimpers]

- BARRY: If anyone wants to come over for dinner later?

Barry's cooking.

Anyway, offer's on the table.

[novelty fishes singing]

Sorry about that. I'm a bit of a nut for these things.

Aren't they fun?

You get them singing all at once like this, it's like torture.

But it calms me.

- Barry, please. Please just let us go.

- Wait, where the hell is Jep?

What... What have you done to him?

- The little one? I was just trussing him up.

Figured I'd slurp him back as a little amuse-bouche.

- Ta-da! - XANTHENA: Ah!

- Thank God. How you doing, buddy?

- Uh... I'm finding this surprisingly pleasant

all things considered, Dan. How are you?

- Barry, look, you don't need to do this, okay?

I thought we had a connection.

Maybe we could just talk this out, right?

- For God's sake, Lhandi,

you're not gonna talk it out with this guy.

We're all dead because of you.

You got us eaten by a worm dick creep.

- Okay, thi... this is my body.

And that... You can't just say that stuff.

- It's body shaming.

- That's body shaming.

Now there's some stuff I could say about all of you.

But that's not what this is.

- He can't change how he is.

- See. I... I just feel like his... his negativity

is like p-poisoning me, you know?

- Fuck you.

- Hey. - Hey.

You know, she shot me

and I'm not nearly as mad at her as you are.

- You know what, Bar? I think there are

two kinds of people in this world.

- Uh-huh. - There's people like me, who,

well, if I were to see, let's say,

a pint of beer that was partially filled...

- I follow. - I would think to myself

"Huh, that pint is half full." - Okay.

- And then there are other people,

like these glummers over here... - Haha.

- LHANDI: ...who would look at that pint of beer and say

"Hey, that's half empty." [chuckles softly]

Pretty sad life, don't you think?

- That's a marvelous way of putting that, Lhandi.

- She didn't come up with that, Barry.

You've never heard that before?

- No, I haven't.

- LHANDI: Look, I am really sorry about shooting you.

I got off my positivity path.

But I thought you were like me.

I thought you were a half-full kinda guy.

Maybe I was wrong.

- No, no, you weren't wrong. I am that.

- I just didn't think a fellow sunshiner

would be so cruel as to eat a bunch of people

just over a minor misunderstanding.

You did run out on your bill, Barry. [chuckles]

- I... I did. - Yeah.

- I should have known it would come back to bite me eventually.

- I just wanna let you know that I think you're pretty cool.

And to remember that radical self-love

isn't all about what's on the outside.

- Mm-mm. Tell me about it.

- Oh! I couldn't eat you, Lhandi.

You got a good heart. A good and a truthful heart.

- [chuckles softly] Well, what about my friends?

I mean, I really couldn't just walk away and let you kill them.

- So don't eat... Don't eat the friends either, huh?

- LHANDHI: Mm-hmm. - BARRY: Um...

Yeah, yeah. Let's let these little suckers go.

You're lucky I like her.

- She put us in this position to begin with,

but yeah, thank you, Lhandi.

- Oh... [mumbles] ...don't worry about him.

You can do whatever you want to him.

- Wait. No, no, no. - Are you serious?

- She's not. She's joking.

- LHANDI: I mean, you didn't seem to think

that things could be resolved through conversation,

so I don't see why you should benefit from it now.

- That is well put. Care to rebut?

- Uh... Yes, I do... - Tough luck! Here we go!

- Oh! Oh. Oh, God!

Lhandi, what the hell? Stop him! Stop him!

- Not before you admit that I'm not just helpless idiot.

- DANNY: Okay. Fine. You're right, Lhandi.

[stutters] You're very powerful and you're very wise.

And you see things for what they are

and you never act out of proportion

to the situation.

You're a perfect person.

I'll put you in charge of the bar for a little bit,

not the entire time. Would you please get him off of me?

He's actually killing me.

- Well, I think you should compliment Jep, too.

- Oh, hey, Jep. You're... [mumbles] You're very good.

You're very nice, Jep.

- "Very nice"? - DANNY: Oh, God!

- What am I? A brooch? - DANNY: Oh, God!

- He's gonna kill me. - Fine. Ready, guys?

- BARRY: Ow! Ow! What the hell? - [Jep mumbles]

- [Lhandi grunting] - Ow, ow. Ow. Aah. Aah.

- Please forgive the breach of trust, Barry.

I... I mean it. I'm just... I'm just doing my job.

- Oh, it's... it's all right, Lhandi. I get it.

I do feel like you could have just asked me

to stop eating him,

rather than kicking my ass. - Right.

- You really beat the shit out of me.

- I'm sorry, man. Yeah, but...

still gonna have to do this, okay?

That's gonna be 13.75.

- Okay. Yeah.

- Actually, it's gonna be 14. - Uh...

- I... I think we're gonna have to

consider your fourth milk uncomped.

- BARRY: Taking the comp out. - LHANDI : Yeah.

- Four milks! Wow! - BARRY: Okay.

- You know what, Lhandi? Give him the comp.

- Aw! - That's nice.

- This might just be like, uh, the loss of blood speaking

but I love you guys.

Not...

- I thought I'd feel that more when he finally said it.

- Yeah. [mumbles]

I thought I would value it more.

- [somber music playing] - [novelty fishes singing]

[theme music playing]