Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

beachcombers, sun worshipers,

skin divers and other flotsam and jetsam

which may have washed ashore

on the sandy wasteland of television.

I have a new position now.

I’m not certain I was cut out for this work.

I can’t swim, but that doesn’t bother me.

What is embarrassing is that I can’t even climb into the chair.

I shall have to keep an eye on that gentleman

to see that he doesn’t go in over his head.

While I’m doing that,

why don’t you keep your eye on this gentleman,

our sponsor,

to be followed by "The Old Pro," our story.

-Frank? -Yeah?

-You leaving now? -Yeah.

Get you anything from across the lake?

No, darling.

Just wanted to remind you the Robertson’s will be here for cocktails.

I know better than to burden a man’s mind with errands when he’s going fishing.

Now, that’s what I call an understanding woman.

You know, they should dedicate

a medal to fishermen’s wives.

I’ll settle for a half-dozen fat trout in the broiler tonight.

Well, your wish shall be granted.

An even half-dozen

fat and frisky.

Back by noon.

[outboard motor starting]

Beautiful piece of wood.

Something about quality.

A gun,

woman, wine,

a touch of quality makes all the difference.

Did you bring the money, Burns?

How long do you think I can afford to pay?

You got a lovely lake house, another beautiful home in the city,

a wife wearing nothing but the best of clothes.

If you’re selling poor mouth, nobody’s buying.

I’m telling you, Cullen, you’ve hit bedrock.

Come, come, Burns. You’ve got enough to spread around.

All I’m asking is a reasonable weekly retainer

for services rendered.

Call it by its right name or does "blackmail" stick in your throat?

I prefer "retainer."

After all, my paper would pay me a fat bonus for this story.

"Hired killer retires to Westlake Society Set.

Frank Burns, wedded to a Junior League beauty,

now using a four iron on the golf course

instead of a .38 along the waterfront."

You’re getting off cheap, Burns.

I’ve seen that doll you married.

I happen to know that she thinks you’re a retired engineer

with interests in South America.

Now I am no Miss Lonely Hearts, but, before I’d let that doll be disillusioned

I would dig down for my last dollar.

You’ve taken me for 40,000.

Quit now while you’re ahead.

You bring the money?

No.

Wait a minute.

Yeah?

I’ll bring it later, about 5 o’clock.

You got something on your mind, Burns?

About maybe paying me off in another way?

If you’re afraid to meet me, I’ll mail it to you.

[laughing] Afraid?

Now, why should I be afraid of you?

I can take you any day in the week.

You’ve gone soft, Burns.

That’s why you retired.

Man gets a beautiful wife and enough money,

happens that’s when he becomes afraid.

We understand each other.

I’ll be here later.

At 5:00.

-Hi! -Hi.

-Any luck? -No.

Well, I have a surprise for you.

I didn’t want you to be disappointed, darling.

So I ordered these from the market.

Just in case.

Remind me to get you that medal.

I’ll start cooking lunch.

How about a drink?

I’ll have one ready for you right away.

Good.

I’ll get rid of my stuff.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Let me speak to Nicholson. This is Burns.

Burnsy boy, how goes it?

Good, Nick, good. I didn’t recognize your voice.

I was just talking about you with some of the boys.

The retirement been agreeing with you?

Yeah, nothing like it, Nick.

And that pretty wife of yours, she in good health?

She’s fine, Nick. Just fine.

Look, something came up. That’s why I’m calling.

Oh, you sound kind of worried, like maybe you have a problem.

I was wondering if you can refer someone to me,

an engineer experienced in removing obstructions.

Nicholson?

Yeah, still here, Burnsy.

[Nicholson laughing]

What’s so funny?

Well, in a way, Burnsy, you, you of all people needing an engineer...

[laughing]

Well, do I get him?

Sure, Burnsy, sure. It’s our business.

I got a good man on hand right now.

Can he be down here at the lake? Say, around 4:30?

Uh, 4:30 it is.

Oh.

Get a hold of Mace.

Tell him I want to see him.

[laughing]

So you’re Burns.

What’s your name?

Mace.

Just call me Engineer, for short.

He’s waiting for me about a quarter of a mile down the shore.

We could take the boat, but I think it better we cut through the woods.

You’re the boss.

Nicholson says you were the best on the business.

And I’m always willing to learn from an old pro.

You understand this has to look like an accident?

I wouldn’t want anything happening that would give this lake a bad name.

Yeah, I guess finding a body with a bullet in it

would make the good people up here a bit uneasy.

He uses a boat when he meets me.

If he’s found with water in his lungs and the boat overturned,

there wouldn’t be many questions.

Accidental drowning, nice,

makes it clean-cut.

Hey, hold up. I’m tired.

Just another 100 yards.

I’m ready to sit down right here.

Do you want to go in alone?

His name is Cullen,

always waits for me in that clearing up ahead.

He’ll be carrying a shotgun, so you’ll have to circle in from behind.

Go ahead.

No, wait a minute.

Be a big joke if I mistake some hick out hunting rabbits for our man.

Yeah.

I’d better go with you.

Clean-cut. Just like the old days, eh, Burns?

Forget the old days.

They’re behind me.

Sure. Why dirty your hands when you can afford your own engineer now.

That’s Cullen.

Since when does Nicholson take on a job and throw in a double-cross?

[Cullen] No double-cross.

Just a case of first come, first served.

After our little talk this morning, I anticipated your next move.

I called Nicholson first.

You’ve got a choice between me and a shakedown punk like Cullen

and you take his side?

The way I see it, he had the guts to shake you down.

A guy with guts is always valuable.

Who knows, maybe someday we’ll use him.

You’re expendable now, Burns.

Mace, let’s get on with it, huh?

Down to the water.

I should’ve blown a hole in you the first time you put the bite on me.

Start walking or I’ll let you have it here.

He’ll walk.

Even that final minute of life can be a sweet thing.

[Cullen] I’ll wait here.

[Mace] Suit yourself.

Can we talk business, Mace?

I’ll let you answer your own question, Burns.

Did you ever talk business when you were removing an obstruction?

How much is Cullen paying?

Nice, quiet place, Burns.

I can see why you wanted to retire here.

How much is Cullen paying?

And you’ll double it?

I can raise 25,000 cash in an hour.

Kinda hurts to see an old pro begging.

Twenty-five thousand will buy you that frontage, right at the bend there.

[gunshot]

[thud]

Mace?

Mace was doing a job, he just managed it badly, that’s all.

Mace is a fool.

Was, Cullen, was a fool.

You should’ve listen to me.

You should’ve quit when you were ahead.

Burns...

Burns, t-that money you gave me,

m-most of it is still intact.

We, we got a talking point?

What you got from me was peanuts.

Now, start walking.

No, straight ahead.

Like you said before, Cullen,

that final minute of life

can be a sweet thing.

Now, start walking down to the lake,

and you can have that final minute.

[door closes]

Hi, darling.

Hi.

One up on me, huh?

Oh, that mistake will be corrected immediately.

-I’ve been at it again. -I see.

-You like? -Great.

How about this one?

Marvelous.

Which do you like better?

Well, I like them both.

Did you hear about those two men who drowned yesterday?

Yeah, I heard something about it on the radio this morning.

Boating accident, wasn’t it?

Yeah, at the far end of the lake.

-Their boat overturned. -Oh.

-Well? -Beautiful.

Two hunters from the city, weren’t they?

No one seems to know anything about them.

Well, since you like all three, I’ll buy all three.

As long as you don’t wear them all at the same time.

Why not?

Two.

Three.

[laughing]

We’re having lobster for lunch. Won’t take a minute.

You really know how to live, Burnsy.

A wonderful setup. Wonderful!

I see you brought your muscle along.

Just wanted a little company on the way down.

You know I hate to be alone.

Oh, this is living.

You can keep the city.

Fresh air, maybe a bird to wake you up in the morning.

Nick, I want to explain a couple of things.

Burnsy, to a guest you talk business before a drink?

I want to explain about Mace.

Oh, I didn’t realize we had company.

Oh, not company, Mrs. Burns. I’m an old friend.

This is Mr. Nicholson, my former employer.

Oh, I’m very pleased to know you, Mr. Nicholson.

Nick. What’s with the "Mr."? To old friends, it’s Nick, right?

Ah, you’ll stay for lunch?

We’re just having lobster and a salad, but please join us.

-I’m starving. -Good.

I’ll set another place.

She’s beautiful.

And that complexion. Such a lovely skin.

Reminds me of that girl in St. Louis.

Remember the one with the skin so smooth

it was a delight to touch it.

You know, before the affair with the acid.

That was an unhappy affair.

But why should anybody want to throw acid in your wife’s face, huh?

Burnsy, enemies you haven’t got, huh?

Just a minute, Nick.

So I knocked off your top boy.

You came here after me.

Let’s just leave it at that, huh?

Burnsy, I’m talking.

Charley Nicholson likes to talk.

If I upset you, a thousand pardons.

Aren’t you gonna give Mr. Nicholson a drink, darling?

Oh, sure.

Why don’t we sit down?

Now, there’s a pretty table.

I love flattery, so you may continue.

-May I? -Please, do.

Burnsy, how does a man like you deserve such a wife?

[wife] He doesn’t really.

What brings you up here, Mr. Nicholson?

-Nick, dear. Nick. -Nick.

Uh, business.

If I may rear such an ugly word

among such pleasant surroundings.

Well, you’re certainly talking to the wrong man.

Frank is retired,

and we’ve agreed he’s going to stay retired.

Now, what do you say to that, Burnsy?

Well, I-I expect she’s right.

What did bring you up here, Nick?

Well, a very sad thing happened recently.

My best engineer,

not as good as your husband, dear,

but my best at the moment, passed away.

[wife] Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.

[Nicholson] Yeah, I was quite broken up by it.

He was just a young man but very good at his work.

It’s going to be awfully hard to find the right man to replace him.

I was hoping

to talk your husband into coming out of retirement.

What do you mean, Nick?

Time and time again,

you’ve proved you’re the best in the business.

I-I really need you, now.

Mr. Nicholson.

-Nick, dear. -Nick.

You haven’t got a chance.

Haven’t I?

I’m not ever, ever, ever again

going to put up with being alone those long evenings

while he was off building a bridge or repairing a dam

or getting a contract or what have you

in South America, or Canada,

or wherever you took it into your head to fly him.

Oh, but you loved, didn’t you, boy?

You miss it, don’t you?

I always say an old pro never retires.

Am I right, Burnsy?

[wife] I’m not going to give him a chance to answer that.

He stays retired.

Oh, we need some more mayonnaise.

I need you, Burns.

A job in Vegas.

Important.

Look, Nick, I thought I made it understood before, I’m retired.

Get somebody else.

Get somebody else?

You think engineers grow on trees?

Look, Nick, the answer is no.

I got all I’ve ever want right here.

And all I want now is to be left alone.

I need you, Burnsy boy.

You’re the best we’ve ever had.

I said no, Nick.

You know, your wife has the loveliest skin

I ever set eyes on?

Just one more job, Burns.

Yeah.

Yeah, one more job, huh?

And one more and one more, that’s what you mean?

In a business like this, Burns, every job can be your last.

So why worry?

Why look too far into the future?

Here’s-- welcome home to an old pro.

This is all of our story,

for Burns, however, there was more.

There were other jobs to be done.

And inevitably, there was the job he didn’t get away with.

Which reminds me, that time is catching up with me.

One minute in particular.

After which, I should reappear.

I’m trying to get the young man we saw earlier

to tell me where he buried his father.

However, the boy’s father is no longer my greatest concern.

I think this demonstrates that although quicksand may be cheap,

spreading it on a beach does not pay in the long run.

Fortunately, the boy doesn’t seem to sink.

Perhaps he doesn’t weigh as much as I do.

Young man, don’t stand there, run for help, please.

Oh, well, I won’t have to worry about the sand anymore.

I see the tide is coming in.

So until next week, or later,

goodnight.