Original subtitles

♪

Okay, so her puppy chased a butterfly under the porch,

and now he's stuck there.

Aww. So adorable.

But crawl spaces are like bars after 3:00 AM.

Nothing good'll ever happen in there.

Mmm. Uh...

What was the breed of this fluffy little angel of yours?

Oh, Barkley is a French bulldog.

Oh, cute, helpless dummies.

I mean, they can't even breathe without assistance,

it's like nature doesn't want 'em to exist.

[Shred fake laughs]

All right.

Barkley.

Come here, boy.

[Frank] Barkley!

Come here, boy.

I see a lot of dry rot.

[Frank] Shoddy foundation.

These people are slobs.

Barkley! [whistles]

[dog whimpers]

Barkley?

[scary music plays]

[Frank yelps]

Please tell me she stores her Halloween decorations down here.

They melt in the attic.

They're just festive props.

[Shred] Proceed, buddy.

[dog whimpers]

[toy squeaks]

[mouse screeches]

[Frank yells]

My partner isn't a big fan of holidays.

- [mouse screeches] - [Frank screams]

♪ [vocalizing] ♪

♪

Sorry I'm late.

Templeton's not in today.

You don't have to pretend somebody died.

Something did die.

My ability to walk around the house naked.

I don't have to worry about that 'cause my neighbor's blind.

Or at least... that's what he told me.

Addy bailed on her family trip to India.

She skipped the connecting flight and came back

to see her new boyfriend.

Oh, no.

No, no, look at me.

Excu--

You... [toy squeaks] look at me!

Oww!

You promised me two months of no bitching about your kids.

Get Addy out of town.

Put her in a roller suitcase and check it in if you have to.

Also, how did she even get a boyfriend?

It's-- that's...

Don't make eye contact with the crazy lady

wheeling the board.

Emily, you're not the boss anymore.

I know I'm not the boss. Templeton made that, um...

very clear, um.

But we are in the fight of our lives against Roman,

and we cannot afford any mistakes.

And right now, Templeton is down at City Hall

getting reamed out by the Commandant

because our customer service scores have dipped.

We're not in the Coast Guard.

I'm not gonna call him Commandant.

He's Reggie, the mayor's cousin.

I thought our scores were at an all-time high last month.

Yeah. We've been killing ourselves.

I don't even use the bathrooms in people's homes anymore.

You... shouldn't... be-- anyways, no.

Our scores are down and Templeton has named me

Citizen Czar.

Citizen Czar is not a thing.

He just watched the movie Anastasiafor the first time.

Anyways, Pax Romana could shut us down.

And right now, Roman is winning the war with the public.

Word on the street is he's giving away awesome

purple water bottles, so we have to up our game.

Which means...

We need tens across the board.

Which we have, except for Truck 12,

who just got a terrible review.

- What? - Excuse me?

How does that happen? What're you doing out there?

What did you do?

Julie S. gave us a five?

But I rescued her dog out from under her porch.

It was pure heroism.

What did she say about the D-Day invasion?

"Too sandy. Three out of ten"?

Other comments include, "Officer was rude,

inconsiderate, and showed no regard for others".

Um... that's the dictionary definition of Frank.

Look, I accept that opinions, like ironic T-shirts,

are just things that some people have.

But I reject their power over me.

You just can't play the game, can you?

[Victoria] Nuh-uh.

Look, the only reason you get tens is because

every time you screw up, you say you have diabetes.

- Can't prove I don't. - Probably does!

Okay, we know how important these scores are,

so today we will approach every call

with a glimmer in our eye and a song in our heart.

Won't we, Frank?

- Grumble. - You can't just say grumble.

- Shrug. - Okay.

We're gonna get those scores up, boss.

I mean, babe. Sorry! Emily.

Sorry...

Czar.

A lot of changes to navigate.

♪

I hate review culture.

That's why I only lasted one shift at TGI Friday's.

- Frank... - The only people

who say the customer is always right are people

who never have to interact with the dum-dum public.

- Look, man-- - I'm not talking about

a true cultural critic who provides checks and balances

on a society run amok.

Your Oscar Wilde, Fran Lebowitz,

Gene Siskel-- - We get it! Okay?

You're a rebel. A lone wolf.

A single man with no dependents. Okay?

But when you alienate the public,

it hurts the whole team, dude.

And it reminds me of a time when--

I smell a clumsily shoehorned snowboarding story coming on.

Sure, I was up there alone on that mountain,

But my personal score affected the team score.

So when I messed up,

I had to stand up in front of my whole team

and own up to my mistakes.

And that's why you need to start

taking some accountability.

Yeah, accountability leads to apologies.

It's a slippery slope. I'm not doing that.

Oh, yes you are.

'Cause I'm driving to Julie S.'s house right now

to show her that Frank Shaw is no five.

He is a ten in looks and an eight in personality.

So, an eight point five.

Personality is weighted.

Ooh! Sleeveless.

Someone's planning on barbecue today.

This is my intimidation look.

Addy's bringing her new boyfriend by for lunch.

I'm going to scare him into breaking up with her.

Oh, yeah, I like that. A breakup is perfect for us.

It gets Addy out of town and it wrecks her confidence.

That girl feels way too good about herself.

Once this punk takes a look at Addy's tough old man,

he's gonna run.

[laughs then chokes]

Yeah.

Okay, and this is my dad's stupid office,

which explains why he always smells so weird.

Hey.

Hey, I'm Walt. Nice to meet you, sir.

You say that now...

Oh, excuse the hardware.

It's a tranq gun. It shoots.

Cool.

Dad. You're being weird. We're getting sodas.

Okay. To be continued.

I've already lost the upper hand.

Yeah, you need our help.

So... Emily and I are gonna break them up.

[Emily] Me? No, no, no.

No, I can't be involved in any office shenanigans.

But you're not the boss right now, so this is

your chance to be a much cooler version of yourself.

That's true. I am floating today.

I mean, maybe I could talk to Addy about prioritizing things

other than a boyfriend.

It's important for girls to hear that from girl bosses.

- Girl Czars. - Yeah.

First, let me talk to Walt,

'cause I can already think of, like,

15 things that suck about Addy, so...

Okay, but don't mess her up too bad,

'cause I can't afford therapy.

Okay. Let me do the talking.

Hi, there.

You might remember us as the friendly Animal Control

officers that helped you with Barkley yesterday.

Yeah. Of course.

- Is everything okay? - Yes.

We just wanted to swing by and see how Barkley is doing.

- Barkley's fine. - Great!

Well, we take customer satisfaction

very seriously at Animal Control.

So, please let us know if there's anything else we can do.

Ah, okay... you're here because of my review.

Listen.

I know my partner's a bit of an acquired taste.

Like blue cheese or no-show socks.

Actually, I didn't ding you guys because of him.

It was you.

- Me? - Mm-hmm.

This is why I get out of bed in the morning.

Please, continue Julie.

And really, you can't be too harsh.

Okay, well, take a look.

[blows air]

Oh!

Yeah.

Oh, my Lord, I'm a monster.

I'd like to apologize for my revolting partner.

- Thank you. - Step one.

Accountability.

Let's rewatch that clip and drink it in together.

Gladly.

Can you turn it up?

I think I'm gonna cry.

Is this what you look like when you're happy?

I'm seeing teeth I've never seen before.

Just when I think the universe is indifferent to my joy,

it brings me a gift like this.

I probably have some bad habits left over

from my snowboarding days.

Like how I sometimes I slip into calling people bro.

Nose blowing is probably one of those things, so...

I'm sorry, bro.

Oh, it's okay. Take a break, pee in the yard.

It's not funny, Frank.

Look at what she's drinking out of.

That's a Pax Romana water bottle.

Roman is closing in,

and I am failing my beloved Czar.

Oh, this is not about Emily.

This is about you being the rude one and hating it.

Of course I hate it!

Okay? I'm the lovable mop-top cutie guy.

[caws]

Take a hike, bird.

Whoa! Don't piss off a crow.

They remember faces and hold grudges.

They're the Italian grandmothers of the animal kingdom.

Is there anything else he can clean while we're here?

I'd offer him for gutters,

but even on the ladder he can't reach.

I bet you don't have that problem.

I can break six-five if my hair product cooperates.

Wow.

And I know he's being coy, but there is a button

on the website that will allow you to adjust reviews.

I don't normally I don't even leave reviews.

I don't like to encourage the idea

that everybody's opinion matters.

Let's be honest, most people aren't Gene Shalit.

- [crow caws] - [Shred screams]

Come on!

I'm working on your amenities here!

Should you help him?

Nah, he's got it.

Whoa.

This place keeps on going.

You're a nice guy, Stretch.

Oh. Thanks.

Really noble.

'Cause, like, you could be playing the field.

Crushing it, by the way.

But instead, you're going out with someone

who's, like, really... ugh! You know what I mean?

Uh... not really.

I just think it's really sweet

that you're not bothered by Addy's chronic diarrhea.

She's so brave.

Uh... what are you doing?

I have to hydrate these lizard eggs twice a day.

- Huh. - That's the mom.

We rescued her from under a ferris wheel at a carnival.

Whoa. Can I hold her?

- Yeah. - Huh.

[lizard chitters]

- [lizard chitters] - [Walt] Whoa!

That is so dope.

You can keep it if you dump Addy.

- Hmm? - Hmm?

[Frank] Everybody gather round!

Gather round, everyone.

Gather round.

Why is Shred standing on a desk?

It's funny you should bring up accountability.

- I didn't. - No, Shred did.

While he was lecturing me about teamwork.

So, just like in his snowboarding days,

our humble little truck has a new policy.

Now, he will publicly explain his failures.

Everyone...

the bad review was not Frank's fault.

It was mine.

- [crowd reacts] - [Emily] What?

In full view of a security camera, I...

Frederick Taylor,

air hankied into Julie S.'s avian spa.

You what in her what?

A ring video of the incident is now on all your phones.

[messages pinging]

[blows air]

- Eww! - [crowd gasps]

[Shred] It's not pretty.

[Shred] It's not nice.

I wasn't even aware that I do it.

Some of us are aware. Very aware.

You are killing me, babe. I'm Citizen Czar!

On a personal note,

uh, this has been a real wake-up call.

I didn't realize I was such a repugnant menace

to the public, and I've decided to formally

offer my resignation.

Mmm! Not necessary.

But I do believe this calls

for a wholesale reevaluation of Frank.

Turns out... he's an angel.

A big, strong millennial angel.

Okay, none of this helps our situation.

Our board remains unchanged.

Whoa! Rad graphics.

Dagnabbit, Walt!

Where did you get that bottle?!

Pax Romana.

Did a whole thing in the gym.

Oh, cool. Okay.

Fear not.

While F. Snot Fitzgerald was busy cleaning himself up,

I convinced Julie to change her review.

She will be resubmitting a rave shortly.

So, turns out...

I'm a hero.

A parade would be too much,

but I think a cake would be too little.

♪

Huh?

Status update on the breakup?

Not good.

Walt really likes and respects your daughter.

- Oh! - Mm-hmm.

Emily, you're up.

A breakup gets Addy back on a plane

and restores my freedom, so...

You say all that crap about independent women or whatever.

Okay, um, I'm just gonna jump into the hijinks

and act like I belong.

Mm-hmm. Giddy up! - Oh!

I'm screwed.

Hey.

So, girl time is so important.

I'm gonna go get Walt.

OMG! Speaking of Walt, he seems super cool.

I mean, so much rizz, and seems like he uses tissues.

Unlike lots of men walking around these days.

But... I don't want you to get sidetracked

from the more important things in life.

You know, um...

you might find this hard to believe,

but I actually stayed single in high school.

'Cause I had other priorities, like...

copy editing the morning announcements,

and getting to know my aunts.

Oh, right, because you didn't have computers.

N-no, we had computers.

We had...

one computer for the whole family.

But the point is,

my life felt very full because I wasn't tied down to boys.

I mean, I didn't even have S-E-X until college.

Um, graduation.

Uh... I think a little after that.

So, you're saying I should go for it before it's too late?

No! No, no, that's exactly the opposite...

from what I'm saying, so...

I mean, I wouldn't wanna end up being a sad old lady.

Oh.

Well, that tells me you're not spending enough time

with your aunts.

'Cause I would be happy to end up like Gloria, Susan,

or honestly, even Dot.

So...

And, um...

six-seven.

♪

[Shred] We're still at a five?

Yeah. Weird, right?

I cleaned the fountain! We apologized.

You two shared a couple laughs.

You said she agreed to change her score.

Well, I could call her.

Her number's on the incident report.

No, man, that's government info.

It's risky. Don't do that.

She liked me. We had a rapport.

Okay, don't get me wrong,

you're a tall drink of water, bud.

But it's her personal cell phone.

- [call rings] - It's ringing.

- Frank. - [Julie] Hello?

Hi, Julie. This is Frank.

Uh, from before. At your house.

- Rough start. - Hi, Frank from before.

I was wondering if you had time to chat.

[Julie] Uh, no. Unfortunately not.

I'm sorry to bug you.

It was my disgusting partner's idea.

Don't do that.

- But I am free tonight. - [Frank] Oh?

I'm also free tonight.

Uh, you wanna...

grab a drink?

[Julie] I'd love to!

I love you, too.

I mean, I-- mean-- I would love to, too.

Okay! I'll see you later.

Wow.

I feel like I just watched Sully land a plane

on the Hudson River.

And you're the stupid goose who almost got us all killed.

Hey, how did it go with Addy?

Um, I may or may not have convinced Addy

to lose her virginity to Walt.

- Are you kidding me? - Yeah, things got away from me.

I'm sorry, what do you expect, though?

It's my first shenanigan!

So, now Walt is gonna defile

the most precious thing in my life.

My me time.

There's only one move left.

The original move.

Intimidation.

Uh-huh...

Hey, Mr. P.

[dart hisses]

[Victoria and Emily gasp]

♪

[Patel] Oof.

Did anybody see me shoot this boy?

Hamburger help us. Is he gonna be okay?

Okay, I'm gonna grab a dose of wake-up juice

and maybe a banana. I don't know.

I always crave those after I've been revived.

Okay. Excuse me.

This shenanigan is starting to feel more like

attempted murder.

Hey! Once you're in on shenanigans

you do not bail on shenanigans.

I am so mad at you right now, and I'm so scared for Walt,

but I also never want this moment to end.

Like, what's happening to me?

I got it!

We might have to forge some paperwork, but I got it. Okay.

[Walt gasps]

Hey! There he is.

How was your nap, buddy?

That... was awesome!

[nervous laughter]

That's-that's what it's supposed to feel like.

[Patel] Awesome.

The essential John Philip Sousa.

I had this CD.

It's on my workout mix.

Tuba's great when I'm blasting my glutes.

Hmm. Hey, can I have a little bit more?

Oh, I'll check with the sommelier.

- He says yes. - Thank you.

[phone vibrates]

- What? - Hey! Just checking in.

How's the restaurant?

Also, be sure to pick up the check.

I'm pretty sure you can expense it.

No, we're back at my place.

Okay, this is escalating.

Yeah, it is.

In a very carnal but respectful way.

I'm gonna go for it.

Unless there's some professional reason this is not a good idea.

Well, it's a gray area.

Flip the camera around, let me get a view of the space.

Sense of the vibe.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

[Shred] Well, in that case, I say go for it.

But to be clear on the stakes,

you are proposing that you have sex to save all of our jobs.

She's playing Glory of the Yankee Navy.

It's my walkout song, I gotta go.

[music continues playing]

I can't believe you shot my boyfriend.

Actually, it was pretty fun.

Plus he apologized.

Yeah-- no, I didn't apologize.

Legally, it's very important that we agree on that.

I just gave you a hat.

You have the coolest job.

Lizards, tranq guns, accountability speeches.

You hear that, Addy? Boyfriend thinks I'm cool.

Thanks so much for the ride, Mr. P.

You're the best.

Bye, Addy. See you tomorrow?

- See you, boo. - Awesome.

Huh.

That guy ruined my life, but he's a good kid.

He's a dork and I'm breaking up with him.

Oh.

[Glory of the Yankee Navy continues playing]

I hope you're not allergic to cat hair.

I'm deadly allergic, but it's okay.

[phone rings]

Mmm! Uh...

Might be important?

Why don't you get that?

I'll be right back.

[phone rings]

This is not an ongoing conversation!

Hey, you hung up before we could wish you good luck.

- [Frank] We? - Hey!

Oh, okay, stud!

I see those three shirt buttons undone.

Listen, I'm not some sort of piece of meat.

Now, let me go have sex to save our jobs.

Hey, Frank! It's Emily. Good luck with the sex.

I can say that 'cause I'm not your boss.

Guys, this isn't a group project.

It kind of is, buddy. We're all counting on you.

But we all know your track record with women,

so don't feel like it has to be a ten.

A nine... a nine'll do, right?

Actually, I did some quick math and it does have to be a ten.

Where were we?

About halfway through my usual 90 seconds of foreplay.

Oh, well...

[Victoria] Okay, well, have fun, Frank!

But not too much fun.

- Is everything okay? - Yes.

Spam call.

No, I don't want your stupid solar panels.

Come here.

Frank Shaw clocking in.

Sorry I'm late. I had to take Addy to the airport.

I even stayed to make sure the plane took off.

[Victoria] Hell, yeah!

My window of freedom is open once again.

The ups and downs of in-office tomfoolery are exhilarating.

And I thought writing a budget got my heart rate up.

You're cute when you're goofin'.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Then watch this.

[loud trill]

Oh, I'll call IT. I'm sorry.

[Shred] It's probably an easy fix.

[office cheers]

- Hey! - There he is.

Thanks for keeping my mission such a closely-guarded secret.

You know, office gossip spreads,

usually on that office text thread.

That's where I posted it.

And don't be bashful, Hoss. Everybody's just psyched

you took such a big swing on our behalf.

Yeah. Wow. Sex with a woman.

Did you remember how everything fits together,

or did you have to consult some charts?

You know, maybe we could all be adults about this

and respect my feelings and privacy.

Yeah, we're all just really grateful for you, Frank.

Because you were put in an awkward position.

This guy?

Probably just missionary.

All right. Enough! But...

Who knows what Julie's gonna do?

I mean, maybe she'll raise our score or...

lower it.

Why would she do that?

Is it because you were too good?

Oh, no!

Performance anxiety.

[Victoria] I mean, I get it. I've never personally...

witnessed it, but I-- I've heard of it happening.

Look, you guys all got in my head with your good-natured

support and stupid motivational FaceTime call.

[phone pings]

Oh, uh... Julie just updated her review.

Just read it.

Okay. Um...

"Upon a return visit,

"the officer attempted to satisfy my request.

"Unfortunately, he lacked...

"properly functioning equipment."

Oh!

- You need a hug. - Don't touch me.

Oh, wa-wa-wait! There's more, there's more, there's more.

Um... "But his determination,

"even in the face of total failure,

"was touching."

- Ten out of ten! - Oh!

She gave you a pity ten!

[Patel] Hey! There you go.

Hi. Hey...

Just so you know, if you ever need a little blue pill...

I know a guy.

My grandfather.

I'm gonna go run myself over with a truck.

See, unlike you... I can get up.

You're a ten in our books, Frank.

[Frank] Yeah.

- What's up? - [crow caws]

That bird.

I think I've seen it before.

No, all crows look the same.

Are you ready to go?

Yeah, it's just my phone.

I left it out there on the table.

Okay... do you wanna get it?

[Shred] Nope. I don't need it.

You don't need your phone?

No.

[crow caws]

Everybody's gunnin' for me.