Original subtitles

Love.

Exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you and love.

Life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat soon will be making another

run. The love boat promises

something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

Love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

I'm sorry.

Hey, what's the rush?

I just don't want to be late for the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders' arrival.

Oh, yes. Well, take it easy. How can I? They happen to be exactly my favorite

type of women. Is there any type of woman that isn't your favorite?

No, not really. I guess I'm what you call an equal opportunity lover.

I think the cheerleaders will be thrilled to hear that.

Oh, Merrill, I tell you, they are really something. I watched them at the

ballgame on Sunday, and they are fantastic, every one.

Fantastic, huh? Oh, they got some new girls with them this year. They are

so... You can't even... I mean... Mamma mia.

What's keeping this elevator?

New faces.

New everything, Merrill. New everything.

So, well, they're gonna be aboard for several days. Why rush?

Don't you understand?

You gotta play all the angles. The first fella that meets them is the one they'll

remember. Huh?

I can make better time on the stairs.

passengers coming aboard.

Including all those gorgeous cheerleaders. We're going to have to

look sensational just to keep up.

Well, you're not concerned about competition from them.

Oh, that's a very sweet thing to say.

And very flattering, considering each one of those girls is a 10.

Pretty, long legs, gorgeous figures.

Wow, I better do something.

Can I borrow some lipstick?

In about three years, yes. Now, come on.

You certainly put together a real party, Mr. Fleers.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Well, say, you're gonna think big in the oil

business nowadays.

I got 50 of my top salesmen on board here, 50 of my top customers.

And the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading.

All courtesy of Mason Fleers.

Now, say, this is... Ted. Ted, that's right. This is Ted.

Now, he's my assistant.

Oh, Captain Stumick. Dr. Bricker. How are you?

Yeah. Ted here's in charge of our special guest, French Yusuf Hassan.

I think I'd better get on down below now, because girls will be arriving, and

they'll want to see me. Take care of the buttons, everybody. Sure.

This is the theme for our cruise party.

Cheers for flares.

Thank you. Thank you.

Cheers for flares. I like it when a company brings me on the house a bunch

of the most gorgeous girls in America. Now, that's big business in its finest

hour.

Something wrong?

Going a little heavy on the cologne, aren't you? No, just gave myself the

usual dab.

With what, a mop?

Look at this. Shiny braids, shiny shoes, and shoelaces. Hey, no special effort.

Just the way I always look.

It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders

are coming on board? Nope. All the same to me.

Passenger is a passenger.

Oh,

here they are. Where?

Passengers are passengers, huh?

Princess Anne.

I'd like you to meet our captain, Merrill Stubing.

Captain, this is Princess Anne.

Welcome aboard, Your Highness.

We're pleased to have you sailing with us. Thank you, Captain.

I look forward to being underwater, but a change of small country is mostly one

big layer of sand.

So I understand.

Of course, under the sand, we have a nice big layer of oil.

Sounds like very valuable real estate.

There are things of even greater value than oil, which is one reason I come to

your country.

Sounds like the cheerleaders are here.

Excuse me.

Hi. The name's Latham.

Okay, let's see. Oh, Major and Mrs.

Ross Latham. You're on the promenade deck, cabin 343.

343.

Um, somebody said that Dallas cheerleaders were going to be aboard. Is

that true?

That's right. Well, it will be quite something for my wife to see. Oh, well,

if there's anything we can do to help, please let me know. You're most kind.

Arigato.

You speak Japanese?

Sure I do.

One word.

Uh, darling, why don't you go ahead to 343, and I'll round up the luggage.

343.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Oh, what a beautiful kimono.

What's this arigato?

Oh, it's Japanese. It means thank you. You know, I bet they're on their

honeymoon.

If they are, then the major's on two honeymoons. Hmm?

Hmm.

Okay.

I'm Gloria Beaumont.

Hello. Uh, you're on the Aloha Deck, cabin 350.

Enjoy your cruise. Oh, I intend to. I just ran into an old friend of mine from

the Air Force.

Yes, I'm Major Latham. I believe he's sailing with his wife. Oh, a wife is

such a temporary position.

I should know. I used to be one.

I'd say she's trouble.

I think you have excellent instincts.

Carrie Richardson, Stephanie Schultz, and Jeannie Monfort, Promenade 342.

Angela Pinnell, Jane Ann Maxwell.

Slow down, Julie. I can't take shorthand.

Nancy Townsend, Janet Fulkerson, Promenade 346.

Annette Bilbrey, Leslie Willard, Debbie Causey, and Carrie Curry, Promenade 344.

Okay, girls, let's go find them.

Yeah, it's called me Mason.

Now,

I've got to tell you something.

I've seen all the cowboy games, and you're the main reason I booked these

cheerleaders. Say, you've got better booze than the whole Dallas backfield.

Goodbye. Oh, Mr. Fleers. Stop, Mason. Mason, get into it. Now, we're going to

see a lot of each other on this group. You know what I mean?

Don't.

Excuse me.

I'm with the Fleers group.

Mr. Henson.

Mr. Henson, yes. Promenade 347. The honeymoon suite.

That's us.

Honeymooners?

Well, one nice thing, if you're worried about competition for the cheerleaders,

your odds just got better.

Say, Jeannie, I just stopped down to see if your room's comfortable and

everything. Oh, everything's fine, Mr. Flares. Yeah, well, Mason, I can get you

your own private room if you think you'd be more comfortable in that.

Oh, this is fine.

Well, I'll leave the offer open. You think about it, and if you change your

mind. Okay, thanks.

Relax, Walter. Everything is going to be fine.

Come on.

Get unpacked.

It's Harriet's.

Oh, I must have brought one of her suitcases by mistake.

Look, don't think about her.

But I did such a terrible thing jilting her and right at the church.

But I just couldn't marry her after I found out she had that affair.

It's done, so just forget about it.

I bet you never thought you'd be on my honeymoon.

And what about Mr. Fleers? What if he finds out?

I mean, after arranging all this?

You're new in the Chicago office. He hardly knows you.

Look, hang up some of Harriet's things so no one gets curious, huh?

Champagne! Compliments of the love boat. But there's no need.

Oh, it's a regular custom for the honeymoon suite.

For this cabin.

Come on, come on. It'll do you good.

Nothing.

Congratulations on the flowers. They're compliments of Mr. Fleers.

Same kind as in the church.

It's so beautiful.

And all our friends were there when the music began.

Nerves. Very jittery.

Oh, just one thing.

Isaac, I'd like to ask you a very special favor.

You're involved in kind of an unusual setup here.

I wonder if you'd keep it quiet that Mr. Henson doesn't actually have a bride in

the honeymoon suite.

Oh, I had one.

But it didn't work out.

I could have guessed that.

and to bringing you along.

We'll have a ball.

Well, I'm afraid it's not going to be all fun and games. See, I have to look

after the prince, which is quite a responsibility.

I realize that, but... There he is.

Excuse me, huh?

Ah,

Pacific.

Certainly is something, isn't it? And to think that's only the top of it.

Uh, listen, Prince.

possible for me to meet with you in your cabin later?

Not more tedious arguments for an oil concession to your country. No, no. This

is strictly pleasure. I have a gift for you. And you hope to influence me with

blatant bravery?

Exactly. Marvelous.

Can I have power to that?

Give him a sales pitch?

No, no.

No high-pressure stuff.

I'm just selling him some good old American friendliness.

Got any free samples?

Hello.

Taking good care of the prince?

I'm getting him a gift he's gonna flip over. It's a computer game that plays

chess. He collects chess sets.

Oh. Well, maybe I'll play him a game.

If he doesn't mind playing for big stakes.

Two gallons of unleaded.

See, I've got a great idea.

How about if you present him with a gift, huh?

I mean, it'll be sort of like, you know, a little touch of showmanship.

Besides, maybe you could ask him if he wanted to play a game or two, huh?

We do have a rehearsal.

Oh, I know, but it'll only take a minute.

Come on, I'll get the computer.

It is so wonderful seeing you again.

Mrs.

Beaumont's ex-husband was my roommate in flight school a long time ago, Slim.

Remember all those characters when the squadron was stationed at Edwards?

I remember every one of them fondly.

Well, want to take a walk, see the ship?

Okay. And you should have known Ross. He was more fun of them all. You should

have known him then, Nora.

Nada. Nada.

Oh, of course. I'm sorry.

Will you look at her moving in?

I'd like to choke her. Oh, that's a no-no, Julie. The captain has strict

rules against strangling passengers.

He interferes with the seating arrangement.

Sweet little wife of his doesn't have a chance.

How are we gonna get rid of that shark?

Of course.

He can handle her. Good old Doc.

Ah, Mr.

Sharkbait. I'll line him up.

You do that, I got a little lining up of my own to do.

That Fleer's got bothers. She'll have Taxi straighten him out.

But she's got so much on her mind.

Hi, girls.

I'm Burl Smith, assistant purser and organizer of fun parties, large and

small. Hi, how are you? Jeannie, Terry's right.

Leave it to Taxi. She won't mind, Jeannie.

Go for it.

I'll post the schedule for you if you're too busy dating all the cheerleaders.

Oh, no, no, I'll do it. I won't have time for the girls anyway. You know me.

Duty first.

But I know Clear's type.

He's not going to be easy to turn off.

There you are.

Yes, sir.

Been running around here like a one-eyed dog with a meat house looking for you.

I'm going to have to put a bell on her so I can keep track of her.

I need to talk to you. Honey, if you girls would excuse us just a minute.

Sure, go ahead.

You know, I find that I've got room in my organization for a bright young girl

just like yourself.

Traveling around with me to all my branch offices, checking on things, you

know what I mean? Kind of like a confidential secretary.

Easy work, I think you'll love it. And I know I will.

Excuse me.

Darling!

Oh, I've been looking forward to seeing you again. I was praying you'd be on

board.

So was I.

Never forget our last cruise.

I've missed you and those magic moments in the moonlight.

Oh, yeah, the magic moments. You never look better. You get handsomer all the

time. Oh, thank you. Well, that's a Sierra, and I eat a lot of granola.

Can I talk to you later, Mr. Fleers?

Oh, you bet. We got plenty of time, didn't you?

Listen, we really do have a lot to catch up on. Why don't we start by introducing

each other? Excuse me. My friends are waiting.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, Your Highness.

I just came by to see if everything is satisfactory.

Most satisfactory indeed.

Mr. Fleer has decorated the cabin delightfully.

Good, good.

I understand you play chess.

If you ever need a partner... I gave up chess years ago.

My game now is poker.

But at the moment, neither one is of interest.

I came to America on a quest.

Sounds intriguing.

What I'm looking for is a wife.

Oh. I'm hoping to find an American girl.

My heart is so dull now without Fatima.

I lost her a month ago.

I'm very sorry.

So am I.

She went very quickly in a poker game at the palace.

Of course, Fatima was just a dancing girl. The American girl I will make one

of my wives.

Good afternoon, Your Highness, Captain.

Prince Yusuf, I have a very special gift for you, which I hope will please you.

Prince Yusuf, this is Miss Janet Fulkerson.

Halla be praised.

This is an honor, Your Highness.

I hope you don't already have one.

No, no.

Similar, of course, but nothing like this.

Ted, could I have a word with you, please?

Yeah, just a sec.

I also brought along a complete set of instructions.

Instructions?

How typically American.

It won't be necessary in some areas where not the backward nation.

And if you like, Janet's ready for a match anytime you say.

You are willing?

But I must warn you, I'm only a beginner.

The best guy.

But first we must observe the legal requirements.

Oh, not now.

You see, Janet can come back later. She has a rehearsal.

Rehearse. Practice makes perfect.

Only in America.

I almost forgot.

Here's an extra set of batteries. Just in case.

Extra batteries?

How old does he think I am?

Your Highness, you didn't bring much luggage.

An adding machine.

I hope she doesn't expect too much of me.

That's a computerized chess game.

Your Highness, there's been a slight mis... I'm expecting a phone call from

my brother.

Will you excuse me? Of course, sir. I'll be on my way. I want to have a word with

Mr. Harms.

Well, Yusuf certainly seemed to enjoy his gift, didn't he?

More than you know.

Now, look, Ted. Next, I think I'll throw him a little dinner party this evening.

First, I'd better find out if he likes to go to bed early or not.

He might tonight.

There's been a giant misunderstanding.

He thinks the gift you gave him was Janet.

Janet? For his wife.

Now, you better do something.

Well, that's crazy. I mean, where does he think he is?

On the low boat.

About to start his honeymoon.

Doesn't that take your mind off your troubles?

You think I should have gone ahead and married Harriet, don't you?

Frankly, yes.

So she had an earlier love affair with someone else. So what?

She didn't even know you then.

But it makes me feel like I'm second best. Walter, forget it. It'll drive you

bananas.

All right, girls, get your jackets and let's go to our room.

I'm going back to the cabin. Hey, look, take it easy, huh?

I'll be right out.

Thanks. I'll see you later.

Excuse me.

My jacket.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Something wrong?

You believe in love at first sight?

Not really.

How do I go about making you a convert?

You might start by telling me your name.

Bud Henson.

Jane Ann Maxwell.

So much for the courtship. Should we pick out the furniture?

I'm an old-fashioned girl. I believe in much longer courtships.

Isn't that one of the honeymoon boys?

Shh. He asked me not to let that get around.

I wonder why he's with her.

Maybe he's collecting one of each kind.

Excuse

me,

Mrs. Beaumont, have you seen her?

But she was supposed to join us for dinner.

Well, why don't you go on into the dining room and I'll keep an eye out for

her. Thank you.

Oh,

Doc, are you ready? She's coming down the stairs.

Oh, that's the husband stealer. Uh-huh. Think you can handle her?

In my hands, she'll be silly putty.

Oh, hi.

I'm Adam Bricker, the ship's doctor.

Perhaps we could have a little drink, and then some dinner, and afterwards...

Who knows?

Or to put it another way, who cares?

Now, look, Ted.

You've got to tell the prince that you weren't giving him Janet. I know, I

know. Look, I asked him to meet me here. I'm going to tell him now.

Here he comes.

Good evening, Your Highness.

Ah, Captain.

My very good friend, Ted.

Ah, Your Highness, I asked you to meet me here. Because you bring me my lovely

Jeanette.

I shall not forget your kindness when my country makes the oil concessions. Your

countrymen shall honor you.

Well, you see... Henceforth, all my brother princes shall also deal

favorably with you, because you are a man of your word.

Now, about Jeanette.

Jeanette? Uh, she's, uh, resting.

Resting?

Ah, resting, yes, of course, all the excitement.

Well, perhaps we should have dinner first.

You'll dine at my table, of course. Thank you. I'll join you in a moment.

Oh. I know, I just couldn't tell him. Now I'm gonna have to find a better

time. If he runs into Janet, it could be trouble.

Well, I'm just gonna have to keep her out of his sight until I figure out how

to tell him.

Look, it's gotta be done just right, or else a million American gas stations are

gonna turn into taco stands.

Hi, girls.

Hi. How are you doing?

Hello again.

Oh, hi.

We'll see you at the table.

So long, Gopher.

Now, excuse me, miss.

Do you think that we could pick up where we left off and recapture the magic

moments? I'm sorry.

That was all a mistake. I shouldn't have done it.

Mistake.

No problem.

Well, I thought you said it was a mistake.

I've got to learn to control myself around you. You're so irresistible.

I can dig it.

I see that boy snorting in that girl's flank.

Uh, you can let go now.

I'm Jeannie Marquardt, and I owe you an explanation.

Oh, no, listen, hey, whenever you want to kiss me, you just help yourself.

I'll try to remain puffed up at all times. You see, Mr.

Fleers has been coming on a little strong, and I figured if he thought I

had an old boyfriend, I'm going to leave me alone.

Oh. I'm sorry, look, there's got to be a better way to handle this. I'll just

tell Texi, our choreographer, and she'll make him leave me alone.

No, you don't have to do that.

I'm always around in this handy container.

You got mine?

No problem.

I can handle unlimited amounts of affection without breaking out.

Okay, see you later. Okay. Bye-bye.

Lovely girl, isn't she?

Yes. I suppose she's been telling you that I offered her a prominent position

in my company.

No.

No? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but I need your help. I need to get her a loan and talk about the deal,

you know what I mean.

But it's hard. when she's being so friendly to an old friend.

You do care about her future, don't you? Well, sure, yeah. I can't tell you how

happy I am to hear about that.

You know, I mean, and well, and what you're doing for me, finding yourself a

new girlfriend and all.

That could have a bearing on your future, too.

That'd give you something to think about, huh?

Yeah, I guess it does, Mr. Flores. Yeah, you just call me Mason.

All my friends do.

Mason, I suppose you'd like Ross to get out of flying?

Whatever he decides is fine.

I can be very happy with him, either in or out of this uniform.

I suppose out of his uniform is more fun.

There's a play on words, actually. Flyer is flyer. Flyer is flyer.

I'm going to have to do something about that woman.

Tell me, how do you manage all the cheerleaders?

You know, I have trouble enough just looking after one girl. It's not so bad.

We try to cause trouble, but she's tough.

Say, I bet old Prince here could help you out on that.

Many wires you got, boy, you gotta be an expert on women, huh?

My friend, I'm afraid there is no such thing.

Madam, your job may soon become easier.

Before long, there may be one less for you to look out for.

Now, if you would all excuse me, I should like to take... I walk on deck.

Captain, why would I have one less cheerleader?

Well, uh, maybe he's hoping that one will defect to the Oilers.

Thank you.

Now, if I was really the smooth type, I'd be lighting two cigarettes for us.

Like Paul Henry did now, Voyager.

I just love all the old movies.

You remind me of another one.

Love Affair.

Oh?

Charles Boyer.

Irene Dunn.

And? Maria Ouspenskaya.

I'm sorry, but when you say Ouspenskaya, your lips just have to be kissed.

Ouspenskaya.

If only I didn't have that 10 o'clock curfew.

It's just as well.

I have to be in early, too.

Oh?

Why?

Because... Nothing.

I'm just kind of tired.

Why don't we go over there behind the stairs?

What's going on? You keep fragging me from one dark place to another.

Are you ashamed to be seen with me?

Ashamed? Don't be silly. I love being seen with you.

Especially in dark places.

Let's go.

Oh, no.

It's the prince. He can't see us.

Why not?

Why not?

Well, because you'll want me to spend the evening with you.

Oh, I just think this ship is just beautiful.

Yeah, I'm glad you like it. This is the Lino deck, remember?

Oh, yes, the girls are dancing there. That's right.

Captain!

Do you know what is ten?

No, I'm sorry.

Well, that had better be a very good explanation.

Is anything the matter?

Only if you're an oil burner.

is ridiculous.

Just tell the prince you want to be with me. He'll understand.

Want to bet?

You straighten things out with him right now or tomorrow morning, I will.

Well, maybe with a little luck.

Tonight we'll hit an iceberg.

Would you please look like this? Well, I like it like that. It looks pretty.

Handsome. Well, let's take a look.

Hi, Nara. Good morning.

Oh, what a beautiful kimono.

Thank you. Or as you say, arigato.

I'm almost finished.

See? Yeah.

Did you happen to bring a bikini?

No, I don't own one. I grew up in a very conservative family, and I guess I'm

still a little shy.

Oh, well, with your figure, you have nothing to be shy about.

Why don't you give it a try?

Maybe in time.

Ah.

Nara, may I make a suggestion?

Yes?

Forget the sewing. Go buy yourself a sun suit and get up on deck with your

husband.

But the Major is not lonely up there.

Yes, I know. That's the problem.

You see, on this cruise, not all of the sharks are in the ocean.

About Mrs. Beaumont. Yes.

It would be a wonderful thing if you could introduce her to some people.

She's had a rough time.

She's lonely.

She wants some attention. She needs it. I've noticed.

Somebody she could spend some time with. Right now, she's pretty helpless, okay?

Helpless?

Hello, girls.

Hi. If you will excuse me, I've got to go down to the cabin a moment.

No problem. Take your time.

Bye-bye.

Uh-huh.

Isaac, have you seen Walter?

Walter?

Oh, your friend.

No, I haven't.

I can't seem to get him out of that bed.

Maybe he's a little seasick.

He's lovesick.

Oh.

Well, I suppose that would do it, too, Mr. Hanson.

Henson? Henson?

From the Chicago office? The newlywed? Uh, that's right, Mr. Flair. Say, that

must be some honeymoon you're on. I haven't seen that little bride since

she's been on the boat.

You went and seen her, I suppose.

You took some champagne down there. What'd she look like? Tall.

Blonde.

Clean-shaven.

I mean, nice complexion.

Say, since I'm bad for the honeymoon, name that first kid after me.

Thanks a lot, Isaac.

If Fleers ever found out my brother was honeymooning without a bride, Walter

would die of embarrassment.

Oh, that's okay.

Your brother?

You mean he... He called off his marriage at the last minute.

See you later, Isaac.

Not Isaac.

You can call me Dumbo, or you can call me Loco.

If he's selling him a deal, let's get wound up selling me one. I don't want a

bad deal.

Oh, it's what we call in our business, a lamb biting the butcher.

Anyway, we're looking forward to seeing you girls at the farm tonight. Oh, it's

going to be good. Thank you, Mr. Fleers.

Say, how well do you know that Mr. Henson over there?

No way. Honey, I'm the one paying for his honeymoon.

He hasn't let that little girl out of the room since he's been on board,

either.

Yes, honeymoon.

I'm so sorry, honey.

I'll catch up with y'all later. Okay.

Hi, O'Brien.

Uh, hi, Margie.

I thought you were gonna stay puckered up and may not run away from me. Uh,

right. Uh, well, um, something has come up beyond my control.

something wrong?

Every time I turn around, that young officer there is forcing his attention

on that young cheerleader.

Gopher? Oh, you must be mistaken.

Well, I wish I were, but I had to speak to him twice about it already.

Oh. Well, maybe I'll have a few words with him myself, though I still can't

believe it.

No, like you say, he's probably a fine boy. I'll have another talk with him.

One more should do it. Keeps it more unofficial that way. As you wish.

Well, it's just that I got an awful lot of work to do.

I was hoping we could go ashore together in Mazatlan.

It's like I said, I'm busy.

Okay, forget it.

I'm sorry. Listen, somebody get a doctor.

Get a doctor.

Mr. Flares.

Mr. Flares.

Sir.

What happened?

Complete accident, sir.

He's out cold.

Well, sir, it's not as bad as it looks.

It's worse. Dr. Bricker, please report to the starlight deck. Dr. Bricker to

the starlight deck.

Get the broken left-handed one. But it hits better from the right. Hi, honey.

What are you up to?

I'm trying to teach Julie how to write her name in Japanese.

Without much success.

Well, stick to it. It takes a while. I still don't know how to do it, right?

Well, she's starting to burn. Am I?

Here. Here's some lotion for you. Thank you. I'll do it for you, Major. You

will? Why not?

Oh, golly.

Oh, don't worry. I'm just a taxpayer protecting government property.

All right.

Come on, Slim.

See you later.

Hi, Janet.

Have you told the prince?

No, not yet.

It's just not that simple.

Why not?

What's going on?

Okay.

Are you ready?

He doesn't think I gave him a computer chess set.

He thinks I gave him something else.

You mean he has another hobby.

So just give him the gift he's expecting.

What's the problem?

It's you.

I'm the problem?

No, the gift.

He thinks I gave him you as a bride.

Me?

That's crazy.

Yeah, well, he's already got the old shoes and the rice waiting. Well, tell

him it was a mistake.

After which, he'll cancel the old deal with Fleers, after which Fleers will

personally throw me overboard.

Well, you can't let it go on any longer.

Yeah, I know.

Ted, just tell him.

Don't run away from your problems.

Be a guy who deals with them.

Gopher? Oh, Isaac, you heard. Come on in.

Gopher hasn't gotten back yet?

No, he's still up at a meeting with Fleers and the captain.

How's it look?

It'll be all right. The captain knows that Gopher would never hit a passenger.

The problem is that Fleers had reported Gopher earlier for being troublesome.

Yeah, but we have to think positive.

Hi, guys.

Well, how'd it go?

Oh, about as I expected.

I'm no longer an assistant purser.

I'm an assistant passenger.

I've been suspended from duty.

Oh, no.

But you didn't hit Fleers, did you?

Didn't he explain that to the captain?

Well, Mr. Fleers isn't exactly sure what happened. So, until his mind clears,

Sugar Ray Smith is out of a job.

No, sir.

I'm sorry, but I had no choice.

I had to relieve you of your duties.

But you'll get a chance to sell your side of it to the board when you get

back to Los Angeles.

Oh, that's okay, sir.

No problem.

Actually, it's kind of fun being a passenger.

Hi, girls.

Hi, Jefferson.

Hi, Gopher.

Hi. I'm terribly sorry, Gopher. It was all my fault. Hey, what's everybody so

sorry about?

I'm finally getting a chance to cruise in a style to which I'd like to become

accustomed. Well, maybe if we talked with the captain. It was an accident.

He'd understand.

Well, you know what's probably a good thing?

I was really getting in a rut in this job.

And there are a lot of other big opportunities for me out there.

Sure, go.

Okay, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

You'll be able to explain things at the hearing. Oh, yeah. My word against a

millionaire.

Jeannie, I don't know what I'm going to do without this job.

See, it's my whole life.

Something will turn up.

Yeah, I suppose so.

I'm still young.

Start again.

Find something new.

Or I can go back to running the kiddie boat ride at Jungleland.

Janet was absolutely right. You can't put off telling the prince another

second. Yeah.

And here's your chance.

Ah, my friend.

You have found the beautiful Janet.

Well... Marvelous. Now the wedding can commence.

Your Highness.

Allah is kind.

You seem fit to relieve my sorrow.

As I told the captain, I recently lost one of my most dearest ladies in a no

-limit poker game.

A poker game?

Jacks or better.

But happily now we have a replacement you will arrange to bring Janet to me.

Well, it will be my pleasure.

Why didn't you tell him?

There's got to be a better way.

Look, you're dealing with a very sharp poker player.

The more you bluff...

Boy, you're gonna lose.

Mr. Flair, Mason, could I talk to you for a minute? Oh, boy, could you? You

boys mind waiting for me down there? You know what I mean?

What happened with you and Gopher? It was just an accident.

Well, I certainly hope so.

I'd hate to think that boy had any violent tendencies about him.

He doesn't.

And if you explain things to the captain, it would be a great favor to

me. Oh, well, I've got to go in down to these salesmen right now, but maybe

you and I could talk about it tonight, say, after dinner and before the show.

Well... Say, I'd like to do you a favor. I mean, that's what makes the world go

round, isn't it? Folks going around doing favors for each other.

You know what I mean?

Attention all... passengers.

We will be departing Mazatlan in one half hour.

I love your hat. I think it's great. Hey,

any new passengers get on board in Mazatlan for the trip back?

Just a few, but we're about ready to sail.

Well, maybe I could help you a little bit.

Gee, Goph, I really don't think that's such a good idea.

Well, it's just a thought, you know. Actually, I'm so busy catching up on the

lounging and the relaxation. Yeah.

Great life.

Mm-hmm.

See you. Mm-hmm.

She won't even talk to you?

She's probably found someone else.

Someone who's loaded.

Maybe even that Fleers character.

You don't know that.

No, you had the right idea about women.

You learned with Harriet.

I'm learning with Jane Ann.

Excuse me. I'm Harriet Bryce. I booked passage back to Los Angeles.

Yes, of course, Miss Bryce. You're on the promenade deck, cabin 110.

You go through those doors and to the left. Oh.

Is my cabin as good as the honeymoon suite?

Well, that's where my fiancé is, with his best man.

And, uh... Well, I intend on traveling in the same style as he is.

Is there anything going on tonight? Oh, yes. At midnight, there's the big show

with the cheerleaders. And before that, there's a dance.

Do you disco?

Well, I've watched on TV.

Oh, I could teach you in ten minutes.

Thank you, but I'm not sure I'd be comfortable doing it in public just yet.

Guess what?

That dress.

I think it would look marvelous on you.

You really think so? Yes, I really do. There you are.

Gloria. Yes. Your expertise is wanted. Yes. I'm trying to convince Nara that

she would look wonderful in that dress. Oh, no, Ross, it wouldn't do at all.

Men don't understand things like that.

Uh, Gloria, I like the dress.

But, darling, it takes a fuller figure to carry that off.

Are you sure about that?

Trust me, Nara is far too exquisite to wear such trendy fashions.

Thanks. Well, so much for that great idea. Are you going to the party?

Hmm? Um... Well, Nora does dance, doesn't she?

Well, actually... Well, she could go to the movies, then.

Well... Let's try the party, okay?

I get my show from the cabin.

Take your time.

We'll see you there.

You certainly will.

That depends.

Oh, nice.

Very beautiful.

Really beautiful.

Your Highness, I am so pleased that you approve of Janet.

She's got every possible quality.

Including invisibility?

You know, there's only one thing I could think of that would be even better than

having a girl like Janet as a part of your entourage.

Yes, and what might that be?

Having two.

Or three.

Or more.

How could such a dream be possible?

Well, you do play poker, don't you?

And you intend to use these as chips.

If you will forgive me, how do I know that you can arrange such a thing that

the young ladies would be willing?

Oh, your highness, you don't seem to realize what a romantic figure you are.

And besides, what girl wouldn't want to be a real princess?

I don't know. I already have the lovely Janet. Why should I take a chance of

losing her?

Julie McCoy, please.

Julie, this is Nana.

Could you come up to my room right away?

Thank you.

So that's the story. The only way to get Gopher rehired is to organize against

Fleers. But he seems like a nice man.

Hey, I'm sure he's a nice guy. He's just hooked on power.

So let's show him we have some power, too. Are you with me? Count me in. I'm

for it. Me, too. I'm sold. Right on. I say go.

All right!

Come in.

Hi, Nora. You called.

Well, what are you doing?

A little remodeling.

My wardrobe and me. Oh, you said you could teach me to disco you want to

learn.

Oh Sure, I could teach you to disco. No problem. Just a sec Okay,

let's see the secret's all in the old hips you just swivel your hips Like

this, yeah, well, that's a general idea, but you're letting your motor stall you

got a really

Like this? That's better.

Look, it's a lot like the hula. Just pretend you've got a crop of grass on

your left hip and a crop of grass on your right hip, and then you just rotate

the crops.

Rotate the crop. Like this?

Looks like we're going to have a heck of a harvest.

Now, follow me, okay? Okay. Just keep doing that.

Step, step, step, step, step. Step, step, step, step, step.

Now have fun with it. Just go, yeah.

Well, I'm sure you're gonna have a good time. I'll see you there.

Hi.

Gopher.

How's it going?

Julia, I gotta get my job back. I'm going.

I was gonna throw myself overboard, but the tax isn't paid for.

Well, you can't think like that.

Right, right.

Well, I could put my head in an oven, but I'm not allowed in the kitchen

anymore. He's gonna get your job back. Julie, how?

I'm gonna take a miracle.

Uh-oh.

Hurser's desk.

Yes, this is Julie.

Oh, hi, Jeannie.

You're what?

Oh, yes.

Well, I sure hope it works out. Yeah, good luck.

Gopher, I think you're about to get your miracle.

Hmm? The cheerleaders are going to force Fleers to get your job back.

Julie, come on.

They can't pressure Fleers. They work for him. They're doing a show for him.

Well, that's just it. There isn't going to be any show.

They're all about to become very, very ill.

What's wrong?

Well, nothing yet, but I'm sure they'll have something by the time Fleers gets

there.

Julie, that's blackmail.

Isn't it wonderful?

How did you get here?

I came aboard at Mazatlan.

I had been promised a cruise, you know, so I decided to take it. Well, hey, this

is great.

Look, I know Walt's over this crazy jealousy of his. Come on, let me take

you to him. All right.

Walter,

we have a visitor.

I thought you said he never left the cabin.

Well, I'm sure he'll be right back.

You see, Hud was just protecting me from my embarrassment.

You're the only girl in his life.

It's so sweet of you to help out like this.

Harriet! Hud!

Wait a minute, that's not his girl, it's mine.

What are you doing here with him? What are you doing here with her? Answer him

first. What are you doing here with her? Nothing, I just brought her down to

prove Hud's not married. And neither are you.

All right, hold it.

Come on, you two, get your act together.

And why don't you and I step outside and do the same?

That was such a dummy.

You're absolutely right.

Don't be so agreeable.

What was wrong with your brother?

He can't hack it that Harriet had an affair before they met.

Maybe we can help him out.

Now, I'm not here to beg, but Hud said that maybe you had come to your senses.

Gee, Harriet. Oh, excuse me. I'm looking for my book.

What happened to Jane Ann?

I told her we'd better cool it.

But she's crazy about you.

I mean, I could tell that when she came down.

Oh, there it is.

What, have you gone bananas?

What, are you going to read a book when there's stars and a moon out there?

And a great girl that you care for?

I really shouldn't get involved with her.

She's had other boyfriends before.

Well, what do you expect? She's an attractive girl.

And what difference does it make anyway? That's all in the past.

Can you believe what this turkey's saying?

The question is, do you?

Excuse me, she's waiting.

Been had.

Forgive me?

Oh, neither of us need to be forgiven.

Just understood.

Now it's bet two, Yassim and Miriam.

I shall not lose you, my little darlings.

Okay.

I'll see you two with Carrie, Kim, and I brought you Annette.

How many you want?

Give me three.

Now, what do you mean there's not gonna be a show tonight?

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Fleers. There seems to be a bug going around. A bug?

Bug? Happened all of a sudden, didn't it? Oh, it was just terrible, Mr.

Fleers. And after you promised all your customers.

I bet the prince will be awfully disappointed.

You know, I, uh... I was thinking about going up and talking to that captain

tomorrow about that fellow gopher.

It's real nice of you, Mr. Fleers. Sure is.

Our colors ought to be better by tomorrow, too.

But the show's tonight, though, isn't it? Yes, it is, it is.

Maybe I'll go up there and talk to the captain now and have Gopher bring you

girls down some aspirin, huh? That'd be real nice.

Especially if you were back in uniform.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yes, I know what you mean.

We'd like to do a favor for you, Mr. Fleers.

That's what makes the world go round.

Everyone doing favors for each other.

You're a virgin, girl. Now, you gotta promise me one thing.

Say you can't ever let the world know how you beat old Mason Fleers at his own

game and with his own back.

You got a D.

Well,

it looks like...

Winner takes all.

Including the lovely Janet. What do you have?

Queens over tens. Full house.

I'm afraid... you win.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much, Prince.

Allow me to return your three wives to you.

Most gracious.

As are you.

So, Captain, you have witnessed my loss of the lovely Jeannette.

Your Highness, will you allow me to take a look at your cards?

Why, may I ask?

Just curious to see how badly you were beaten or if you were beaten at all

Captain you have the instincts of a desert warrior be my guest

Four

races

Once my blood had cooled over the thought of the lovely Janet, I realized

I was in Western civilization and that the young man could not deliver what he

had promised.

Why didn't you call him on it?

My ancestors would shudder over such a simple solution.

No.

One can only judge a man when he is under pressure.

His solution was ingenious. He's a gambler. I like that.

Remember, if he lost, he would be ruined.

What he did took courage.

Or insanity.

Sometimes, are they not both the same thing?

Well, she'll be here.

She just went to get the shawl.

Oh, she's probably overwhelmed for a little time.

Sometimes they never adjust.

He's clothing fast.

Now, look, if the Major and his wife have a meaningful relationship, no ex

-girlfriend, no matter how clever or sexy, could make a dent in them.

Do you really believe that?

No.

My God, she's a perfect 10.

I block out of a 12.5.

Gentlemen, this lady's looking for a dancing partner.

Excuse me, Captain.

He'll just have to take a number. Thank you.

where she learned to dance like that.

I don't know, but I bet she had a heck of a teacher.

And that's some little shawl she put together.

She won't be kidding.

Excuse me, Captain.

Lovely evening, isn't it?

full of surprises.

I wish I had words to tell you what it means to see you like this.

I never should have displayed myself like this.

No.

There is nothing wrong with that.

They loved it. I loved it.

Then what you love is a sham.

I am not this.

Inside, I am still me.

All I want you to be is yourself.

Always. Nobody else.

But if you're going to be a wild and crazy kind of girl from time to time,

I will love her too. I promise.

You know, this dress is kind of pretty.

Oh, you noticed.

And the dancing was fun.

Perhaps before.

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, to the courtesy of Mason

Fleers.

The Love Boat proudly presents the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Thank you.

What a shame we didn't meet until last night.

Say, maybe you'll think about coming down to Dallas. I could use a bright

young girl like you in my business. You know what I mean?

Sure, I do.

Where have I heard that?

Well, I just might get down to Dallas myself.

You think you could? Sure. You know how close the captain and I are. Next time

we go down to Acapulco, I might just have him detour through Texas.

Bye. Bye.

We'll have to go cruising with you again, Isaac.

And who knows, next time there might even be a bride in the honeymoon suite.

Well, that'll make a nice change.

So long.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Isaac. Hey, bye now. Listen, I hope you enjoyed the cruise. Oh, it was

wonderful. It was so exciting.

Last night, oh, it was terrific.

It was just spectacular. Yeah, those cheerleaders were great.

Cheerleaders?

I'm talking about Walter.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Gee, it was sure great meeting you, Mrs. Latham.

I hope that both of you can come and visit us when we get settled.

My wife is, among many other things, a fantastic cook.

Oh, that sounds great. I love Japanese food.

Don't be too surprised if you get hot dogs and french fries.

Goodbye. Sayonara.

Sayonara.

You doubled your vocabulary.

Well,

it certainly was a memorable cruise, Your Highness, but some things just

don't add up.

Why should old things add up?

Please accept this gift for you and your friend the gambler.

But Ted doesn't gamble.

I see.

Well, someday you must tell Janet how close she came to being a desert fly.

They're keys.

Car keys.

With best wishes from me and your other good friends whom I let in on

the secret.