Original subtitles

Are we ready to shoot?

Oh. Yes, ma'am. Everyone's here. Okay, good.

Because the midterm polling is looking bleak.

And hopefully these ad spots will get the base excited.

Well, hey, if these Republican

heavy hitters can't do it, no one can.

Why don't we start off with the secretary of state?

We're ready for you, Mr. Rubio.

Oh, please come in, little Marco.

Oh, of course, of course. You know,

we really need your help with the Latino voters.

So whenever you're ready, sir. Okay.

And action.

Hello. And Hola.

Midterm elections are almost upon us.

I have a message for my fellow Spanish speakers

about President Trump.

Oh, thank you and gracias.

Oh my gosh. Oh, wow.

I mean, I don't. Know what you said, but that sounded great.

My pleasure. Okay.

Okay.

Now next we have someone who will

really get the base excited.

Mr. Vice President, you rang?

Yes. Could you go in the hall and get the next person?

Oh, You don't want me to do one or.

Okay. Got it.

Okay.

We need this next guy to get the Reagan

Republicans out to the polls. Okay. Oh, Senator.

Oh, great.

Thank you for. Making the time. Okay.

All right.

Now, whenever you're ready, Senator.

All right.

And action.

And action.

Anytime, sir.

And action.

Oh, okay.

Okay. Peace sign. Very cool. And save a line.

LA from New York.

No no no. No no no no not yet. Not yet.

Okay, I think we thank you, Senator.

Thank you. Okay.

So I'd really like to do one.

Yeah, I just don't see what that would do.

Hey, in two years, I might be president.

So, I guess, I mean, okay. All right, go ahead, Mr.

Vice President. Give it a shot. Thank you. Sparkle, shine.

Hi. I'm J.D.

Vance. Haircut. Oh, hey. Hey, we got it. Superstar. Nice.

Thank you.

Oh, this is not going to work.

I mean, don't we have anyone who can connect

with voters and isn't a liability? No,

but you got me beat up and head chef.

It's a lot.

Cut the track.

And everyone calm down. It's Bureau.

Okay.

Spider-Man's new nonalcoholic beer.

What's up? Schlong? Donkeys?

Now listen up. Okay.

Because I need

all you patriots at home to do the gayest thing ever in vogue.

Thanks to me, the military finally has

its priorities and sexuality straight.

Worriers all have high testosterone.

Yeah, I'm talking muscles.

Huge veins, throbbing, balls gone.

And we're religious now.

Yeah. I'm putting God back in war, and it's working.

Our soldiers are praying a lot more than they used to.

I'm always hearing them say, Dear God, why?

And now finally show you how tough I am.

I'm going to do some weird slam poetry for you.

Can I get some bongos?

No, we don't walk.

No, dear.

No going on?

God, no fatso, no goes, no camel toes,

no weirdos, no beer toes.

No. Jill's who became Joe's.

In conclusion, vote, I guess.

And remember, even if you're stationed

overseas, you can still vote by mail,

which is the only by mail I'm cool with. Hey, check it out.

Okay.

I mean, that one, weirdly might work.

I think we're done wrong. Let me cook. Oh.

Okay. Sure, Mr. president, go ahead.

All right, I'm President Trump, and I approve this ramble.

We're getting bored out there,

but not for long, because I have a solution.

If the Republicans win, I'll give everyone $5,000.

And that is not a bribe, because I have no intention

of following through on that promise.

So just pretend I'm on the ballot, okay?

You have to use something called imagination.

Imagination makes imagination.

Wow, that's pretty good.

I can already see that written on the back of an obese

woman's booty shorts in dirty, disgusting Myrtle Beach.

What a hell hole this country is.

It's full of other people, so I know it's hard,

but please vote for Republicans, okay?

And yes, that includes Creepy Ken Paxton down there in Texas.

God damn, I hate that guy. Look at that.

I don't know why I don't like him.

I do, actually, it's his. I hate that I.

You can't say that guy anything anymore,

but I can, and I do all the time.

Remember this one?

Oh, right. Okay. Okay, yeah I see. Oh, no.

What are you going to do? Well. All right. Hi.

Well, Mr. President, that was great.

And while we have you, would you mind recording

a victory message in case we win the midterms?

Of course we did it. We won.

Nobody has ever won so much before.

Great.

And then can we get one just in case we lose?

Of course we did it.

We won.

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

"SATURDAY NIGHT!"

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

musical guest.

Turnstile.

And your host, Dakota Johnson.

>> Announcer: LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, DAKOTA JOHNSON!

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thank you, thank you.

I am so excited to be hosting tonight.

Especially because at the stroke of midnight, it's my birthday.

And I'm doing what I always do on my birthday,

which is stand in midtown in a tight ass

latex dress, looking for attention.

The last time I was here, I was promoting

a movie called Madame Web.

Oh. Thank you.

And tonight, I'm still promoting it

because the movie hasn't made any money yet.

What else has happened since last time I hosted?

Well, I went through two very public, very,

lame break ups with two very awesome musicians who.

Are looking for a third.

Hey, the Dakota.

Oh, Leon. Oh.

Thank you. Okay, I'm just going to.

Sorry. I'm just. I'm sorry. I'm

sorry. I.

Thought about it.

I'm not going to talk about my personal life and my monologue.

I'm here to talk about my new movie, vanity.

And in the movie, Anne Hathaway and I have a makeout scene,

and now she's pregnant.

So you do the math.

The movie is a psychosexual erotic thriller.

And you know what? So is dating musicians.

Some of them don't wear shoes.

Some of them are terrible in bed,

but all of them are in my DMs.

It's not my fault, though.

Some people leave concerts with merch,

and I leave concerts with a two and a half year relationship.

But I have really good friends.

They don't judge me for dating these men.

They're actually really supportive.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my literal therapist's.

I'm not. I'm not your therapist. Actually, you just.

You just show up once a week at my house

with an empty bottle of wine and asked if I want some.

Yeah, well, I have manners.

And then you flop on my couch and overshare.

And every so often I just say, damn, that's. That's crazy.

Is that not a therapist?

And then I go, well, you know, it's getting late.

I should probably go to bed. And.

And then you say Sleepover Yay! And then

and then I give you a Pedialyte, and my security drives

you home.

Well, just quickly,

while we're on the subject of musicians, I think actually, I'm

doing a public service by dating them because, ladies,

I am saving you a lot of money on Zoloft,

so you're welcome.

America.

And also England.

And parts of Ireland and Cleveland, who allegedly.

We have got a great show for you tonight.

It's her birthday.

Turnstile is here Stick around we█ll be right back

Welcome back to Press Your Luck.

I'm Elizabeth Banks,

and I said yes to this job while I was wine drunk.

We're about to go to the big money board.

But first, let's meet our excited contestants.

Hi, I'm Donald, I said the b word on The Price is Right,

and I hope that doesn't happen here.

Hello, I'm Lucas.

I have a beautiful wife,

a beautiful ex-wife, and an ugly girlfriend.

I'm Sherri and I'm on press. My luck.

You sure are, Sherri.

Okay, let's see.

Those prizes,

along with cash, is a brand new Jeep

pottery classes with Seth Rogen and Advil for life

But stay away from the whammy

because he will take away all your money.

I. Hate him, I hate him.

Okay, let's get started.

I'm ready to play. Whoa!

Perfect. Donald, you're up first with three spins.

Okay. Big money, big money. Jeep Wrangler.

I want to drive it. No whammy. And stop.

Oh. Right. $2,000.

You want to press your luck and spin for more?

No way. I'm scared of that whammy, Elisabeth.

So I'm going to pass my spins.

Okay, we're passing them over to Lucas.

Lucas? You're up. Okay, here we go. Big money, big money.

Okay, maybe a little money. Any money?

Stop! Whoa! All right.

I'm going to keep that cash and pass my spinach.

All right, Cherie, the time has come. Yes.

You have seven spins. Yes, Cherie.

All right. Big money. Big money. No way. No whammy! Stop!

What? Oh, my.

Cherie, I've. I've never seen this.

You want $1 million?

Oh, press my luck. No, Cherie. What?

What? Are you sure about that?

I've never been so sure in my life. Press my luck.

Big money, big money.

No whammy, no whammy.

Stop! Oh!

Oh, cherie.

No! The whammy. The whammy took your money.

That'll get it back. Press my luck.

Big money, big money. No way. We know. Whammy! Stop!

Yeah. Okay.

Cherie.

I genuinely cannot believe I'm saying this.

You won't win again. Please do not.

Press my luck.

Cherie. No.

Do you know what just happened?

You remember what just happened?

You had $1 million in the whammy. It.

What a dick.

Yes, exactly. So what are you going to do?

I'm gonna press my luck.

Big money, big money. No where. Me? No whammy. Stop!

What?

What? Oh, no, Cherie.

Not woo, not woo at all.

I'll fix it. Press my luck.

Big money, big money. No way! Me no whammy! Stop!

Press my luck. Oh, no!

Listen, cherie, listen to me.

Seriously. You just won the most money

anyone has ever won on this show.

Oh. No.

I don't know why you keep winning or where we found you,

but I know exactly what you're about to do.

No, you don't, because I'm about to press my luck.

No! What is happening?

You have to pass your friend. Please know what I'm doing.

Hey, listen to. Me, you big dummy.

Just walk away. Never. We're trying to help you.

You could win $5 million.

I want the Advil.

You can buy the I with $5 million.

It's too complicated. It is so easy, you idiot!

Just buy it.

Where where. Where where?

I don't know, CVS, you stupid bitch!

Okay, okay, okay. Let's see what the audience thinks I look.

See? Should I press my luck?

Oh. You heard them press my luck.

No, no, no.

We'll be right back.

Babe, what do you want to eat tonight?

I'm good with anything.

Do you think I should get a haircut? Sure, if you want to.

Which of these shirts should I wear to dinner?

They're both so cute.

Has this ever happened to you?

Your nice, supportive girlfriend

won't give you a straight answer.

And you're left wondering how she really feels.

Well, not anymore.

Introducing. Mean. Scary. Girlfriend.

Ready for dinner? Oh, good.

You look like a pedophile on vacation.

Well, at least I'm on vacation.

Now change with me and scary girlfriend.

You never have to wonder what's on her mind.

You need to change your hair. What?

You look like a campus recruiter for Turning Point USA.

And that's good to know.

She also comes preloaded with catch phrases like.

No code change. Call a car. We're leaving.

Do you have a lazy eye before me? Scary girlfriend?

I wasn't 100% sure I was balding,

but now I know I am. You see, it's the corners.

Oh, you need to go to Turkey while you still can.

And for some reason, I mean, scary girlfriend

only wants to have sex on the worst day of your life.

I'm just really gonna miss my grandpa.

Wanna

Okay. Go shower. Okay. You got it.

I haven't picked a TV show in two years.

I don't even remember what I like anymore.

And of course,

mean scary girlfriend comes with a dog who hates you.

She even comes with a series of insane

ex-boyfriends, such as hot tattoo artist

Jack, the blue collar guy, and randomly, Bobby Flay.

Going to dinner with her friends is like going to war.

If war was a bunch of women and one gay guy implying I'm poor.

Thank you. Oh, you just paid with a debit card.

And if you're still not sold, get this.

She also comes with a fiercely protective best friend

who's addicted to cocaine.

I swear to God,

if you even think about hurting her,

I will end your pathetic little.

Oh, my God, this is my song.

They're the kind of friends

where you look at them and you know they've seen your pics.

But every six months, when mean scary girlfriend

randomly says something nice.

It feels like God himself is shining his light on you.

It's a good shirt.

Oh, are you crying?

Pussy Means scary, girlfriend.

Admit it. You want one?

Becca, how did surgery go today?

Oh, it was great.

I mean, the guy didn't make it,

but we seriously had so much fun.

Oh my God, thank God you guys are here.

I just heard some insane gossip. Gossip girl, Krista dolby.

Okay, so this stays between us for real.

But I heard Doctor. Silvey and Doctor Mandy have been.

Hooking up. Oh, what?

But she's his boss. I know, and it's been going on for months.

Okay, well, I've got something even crazier.

Go. Okay,

so apparently Leslie from neuro faked her maternity leave.

There was no baby.

She just wanted two months in Azerbaijan. Shut up.

You've got to be kidding. I'm saying.

Well, I heard

Eric from Legal is going through,

like, a really hard time right now.

Aren't you, Eric from legal?

Yeah.

Well, I also heard that that new pharmacist, Brian,

he's been selling Adderall to his daughter's college.

Yeah, not only that, but he's also dating one of them.

Yeah.

Not only that, but Eric's wife is a lesbian.

And when she told them he cried so hard, he threw up in a bag.

Eric,

are you okay?

Oh, yeah. Just got all the girls.

Okay, well, you know, I heard that

Chris from ortho got promoted.

And I heard Eric's therapist just called him pathetic.

Oh, Eric, this isn't gossip.

You're just revealing sad information about yourself.

Yeah, gossip is supposed to be about other people.

Like you work with Meghan, right. Meghan? Oh, yeah.

I have some piping hot gossip about that girl. Okay.

Well, apparently, last Thursday, Meghan went to jail.

Oh, no. What? Yeah, to pick up Eric.

Apparently, he was begging to be arrested.

Oh, Eric. No, no.

Okay, bitches, I am a little teapot.

So tip me over, because I need to spell

Jermaine. Yes.

Jermaine always has the healthiest gossip.

And today's is a full serving of filthy with a side of nasty.

Okay.

You know Steve and Emily, that cute

little couple that runs the cafe downstairs.

Well they just got the 23 in me back

and it turns out they are full on brother and sister.

Oh my God.

Oh my God. And they were triplets.

And the third one. See you. An al-Qaida. Al-Qaida?

No. You know what y'all got for Jermaine?

Okay, well, I heard Eric from legal has an AI girlfriend.

Sorry. Had she killed herself?

Who is Eric from legal

knee.

Oh, my. Honey baby. No. Why?

I'm sorry.

Okay.

I just have no one else to talk to.

I just spent all day with lame Doctor Gould.

Oh, you mean the head of medicine?

Yeah. She just tells me all her secrets, and I'm like, shut up.

Wait, Eric, that means you have gossip.

Wait. Really? Yes.

Oh, well. Apparently, yes.

Her daughter? Yes.

Who works in research, has an OnlyFans. Yes.

That Eric is blocked from Eric.

What's going on with you?

How are you? You look stressed. Sorry.

My husband's thinking about buying a gun.

Oh, boy.

My husband.

Two men in their guns. Well, you know what Freud said?

That guns are like an extension of their manhood.

Don't you guys wish there was a gun for us?

Not really a gun. That was an extension of our womanhood.

Well, now there is. Oh! Oh my God.

Introducing guns for women. Is that a vagina? Cool, right?

Finally, a gun for us. Cheryl, I don't want a gun for women.

I don't want a gun at all. Come on, I'll show you how it works.

Don't be scared. It's for women. Where's the trigger?

It's really hard to find. I don't think it's working.

You have to warm it up a little. How do you know? Okay.

Oh, Cheryl, let's be done. You don't want to see it go off.

It doesn't go bang when you shoot. It goes like.

Hey, Cheryl, I don't like this. You know what?

The only thing that stops a bad guy

with a gun is a good girl with a gun.

Cheryl, I have never liked you.

You know how Glock rhymes with.

Well, you know, this is called a glunt. Okay.

I'm going home. Bye, guys.

Isn't this your house?

Damn it! Cheryl! Listen, I don't care who it's for.

Owning a gun is far more dangerous than.

Oh, I got it.

Great shot. You go girl. I just, I don't like how it looks.

Oh, okay. Then put a little skirt on it.

Oh, Cheryl.

Whose idea was this? A bunch of guys.

Oh my God. Cheryl, you have to leave. Oh, I get it.

Because I'm a woman. We're all women. Right.

But what if I told you.

Oh, okay. Cheryl, get that thing out of here.

So no one wants to buy one? No.

Did I tell you that it has to go to the doctor once a year? Oh.

Come on. Just go. Guns for women.

Available at the opposite of.

Dick's Sporting Goods. Hey.

Your Highness.

Northman, plunder your lands in the East.

Meanwhile, your traitorous brother

slash lover gathers a host in the marshlands.

Thank you sir. Crassly, that will be enough.

You may take your leave.

Sir. Alaric, can you stay behind?

Your grace.

I've seen the way you look at me. Alaric. Do you deny it?

It's true, your Grace. I burn for you.

But I'm the head of your Queen's guard.

I've taken an oath of chastity.

Listen not to your head, but to your urges.

Come lay with me.

All right.

I suppose I've been.

I've been waiting for this moment.

Just out of

curiosity, is your dragon going to watch the whole time?

Just because it's, like, a little.

It's a little unsettling.

I mean, am I crazy?

I know it's weird, but if I put him outside, he's

just going to scratch at the door, and it's so distracting.

Gotcha.

Totally. Now, where were we?

The beginning of sex, I believe.

Enough talking.

Take off your arm.

As you wish, my queen.

Might just keep it on, though.

Oh my God.

Would you relax?

Firaxis doesn't even know what's going on.

It's just he just, you know, looks at it

and looks like two shapes bouncing against each other.

What? Like this. Okay.

Now, now take me,

take me and toss me around like a dirty little.

Doll made of straw.

Oh my God.

But once the actions think I'm hurting, you.

Know, he really understands that.

The kind of sex I like. Come on.

So then he does understand what's going on a little.

He talks a tiny bit.

Look, this is going to happen or not, because I just.

I really want. You to do me. Brother style.

Okay.

Gross. But yes, I want to do this. I'm just a little thrown.

Well. Don't be. I'm here with you. Promise you'll be fine.

You're right. I'm.

Copy that.

Maybe.

Of course. Loud and clear.

What about. Are you. Okay?

This is too weird. This is too. Weird.

Well, the anthrax. Is a kind of a package deal.

Okay, fine, I get that.

But does your unit also have to be in the room?

Who? Me?

Obviously. Yes. Don't mind. Dojo.

He doesn't even know what's going on.

Yes. To me, it just looks like two shapes

bouncing around, having sex.

Besides, I don't even have testicles.

Do you have a penis?

Well, you tell me.

Oh, so no,

I guess. Why did I even ask that?

Because you were curious.

Everyone is curious about Jojo.

I've lived a life most fascinating.

Okay, enough of Jojo.

I just realized what I must do to prove my worthiness as a man.

I must slay thy dragon.

Their axis is no match for my blade.

The axis marks the absolute hell out of.

So Alaric the queen spent another lonely night

pining for someone to do her brother's style.

And as for me, Jojo.

Well, I continue to live my life. Most fascinating.

Until next time. Juggle out.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

TURNSTILE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW

BUT I BELIEVE

I FOUND A SONG

PLAYING JUST FOR ME ♪

♪ AND NOW I'M FREE, FREE

FREE, FREE, FREE, FREE

NO ONE LEFT TO BE

BE, BE, BE, BE, BE, BE ♪

♪ I WAS TOLD THAT

LOVE AND DEATH

GO HAND IN HAND ♪

♪ WHEN YOU FIND

IS WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ AND YOU ARE FREE, FREE

FREE, FREE, FREE, FREE

NO ONE LEFT TO BE

BE, BE, BE, BE, BE ♪

♪ FINALLY YOU'RE FREE

NO ONE LEFT TO BE

NO ONE LEFT TO BE ♪

♪♪

>> NEW YORK!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

COME ON.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE IT

THESE BIRDS NOT MEANT TO

FLY ALONE ♪

♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE IT

THESE BIRDS NOT MEANT TO

FLY ALONE ♪

♪♪

♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE IT

THESE BIRDS NOT MEANT TO

FLY ALONE ♪

♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE IT

THESE BIRDS NOT MEANT TO

FLY ALONE ♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, this week defense secretary

and air sponsors nightmare Pete Hegseth said that new U.S.

military standards mean, quote, no more drag shows,

no fatties, no beard, no weirdos, no wimps, no radicals.

So basically, he's banning the entire career of Mike Myers.

Also this week, the white House removed CNN from the press

pool covering President Trump's trip to Texas mid-flight.

President Trump, who now has the exact

same posture as Bullwinkle.

Said he convinced I executives to sign a deal

that is morally binding. You know, like the devil.

President Trump is now claiming

that the new white House ballroom will have armed drones

and a moat and an elevator

and a laser gun and a giant waterslide.

During a

Hispanic Heritage Month celebration at the white House

in which President Trump

showed attendees the new ballroom floor.

He warned them about falling over the edge,

but added only a Hispanic could survive that fall.

Which got no reaction from the crowd

because people prefer racism to make sense.

In an interview, Vice President J.D.

Vance said that in this year's midterms,

Republicans face an uphill climb.

But hey, they've done it before.

I know.

A new report shows that Texas Attorney

General Ken Paxton, who was running

as a Republican for Senate, has taken more than 275

out-of-state trips while in office.

And he must have needed a lot of abortions.

Republicans in Texas are attacking

Democratic Senate nominee James Talarico

by questioning his masculinity and calling him low tea.

Talarico said he wished people would stop saying

that as he blew the seeds off a dandelion.

In an effort to win back his spending support

before the midterms, the Trump administration sent J.D.

Vance to campaign in South Texas.

And if that doesn't work, they'll send in the chupacabra.

You didn't like the weight of a college?

Well, I'm a homeland secretary.

Kristi Noem

has officially filed for divorce from her husband, Brian Noem.

And I guess we'll never know why.

Kristi Noem said that she's sad about

the divorce, but is always happy to separate another family.

I like that.

Okay. Okay.

Tennessee tried and failed to execute a woman on death row

after injecting her with lethal drugs. Twice.

Said the woman. Okay, now do a silly one.

Of course, one of the big stories in the news

this week is the sexual assault case at Cornell.

And obviously,

we don't want to make

light of anything that happened, but it is a good time

to talk about men holding other men accountable.

And look, we all have that one friend

that seems like a nice guy.

But, you know, they're definitely not.

And they could be someone you're close to

or someone you work with,

and maybe you can't prove anything,

but you could just look at him

and tell those weird privilege Ivy League types

always got some messed up stuff going on.

And Colin, did you did you want to add anything?

What? Just stop cutting to me, all right?

I don't want to help women. Cool.

Let's just get back to jokes, then. One hand for coffee,

Senator Cory Booker. No, no, he doesn't deserve it.

Senator Cory Booker has introduced three bills

to stop the white House from naming

an aircraft carrier after President Trump

instead of honoring a black war hero.

Trump has proposed a compromise to name it

after his favorite black boy hero, Robert Downey Jr.

Close enough.

Grand Theft Auto six is so highly anticipated

that all other video games have pushed their release dates

to avoid competing with it this November.

Except one other game here to comment on their epic

showdown are the two games protagonist, Jason from GTA six

and link from Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time.

Well, you know what's up.

Yeah.

What's up?

Yes. Yes, yes.

Are y'all ready to go to Vice City

and steal some cars or what? Let me hear you. Yeah.

Or are you all ready to go

to the kingdom of Hyrule and solve some puzzles?

Yeah, yeah.

Now, I don't know much about gaming because I've had sex, but

I'm told that people are calling your releases

the Barb and Heimer of Video games.

Nah, bro,

the only way this is like Barb

and Heimer is that I blow stuff up

and he looks like a little blond girl.

No I don't. Yes, you do, man.

What do you mean? You got, like, a little green dress on.

Show us what you know. This is my adventure. Tunic.

God, you're such an idiot.

It looks like a dress, bro.

It's a tunic. No, it looks like a dress.

No it's not. It's a tunic. And what's. What's a tunic?

A tunic is a dress for a boy, right?

Say right. Jay.

Shane. No.

No, no. Oh. Whatever, man.

Let me tell you.

Let me tell you what I did in my game yesterday.

Right? Yesterday, right.

I broke, I woke up, I broke my thick Latina

girlfriend out of prison, and then I smashed her.

Yawn. Yawn.

Then I robbed a bank. I stole a car.

I went to the airport, stole a Boeing Dreamliner.

Boring, boring.

And then I landed that hole next to the strip club.

Rose, you. And at the.

And at the strip club. I spent $1 million on a girl

named cinnamon who hates her dad.

You. Meanwhile,

over in Hyrule, I woke up.

But magic beans from a shopkeepe then played my ocarina.

What even is that?

Oh, like you don't know?

I don't know, no one knows what it is.

It's a ceramic wind flute.

It controls time in the weather.

God, Jay. Tell him. Jay.

Jay. Does it know?

Why does it say no? Oh, he. Does it.

Say no. Why does it. No, he's not.

He doesn't know. Why not? Why does one flute control?

I'm asking him more questions.

Okay. It sounds like you both have great stuff to offer.

In your games.

Lots of offer. That's great. Yeah, but I got more to offer.

My game got sex appeal, man. Like, look at this baddie.

Oh, damn. She's an NPC too.

There's thousands of girls like that.

She don't even got a purpose.

She's just fine like that for no reason.

There's no baddies.

There's no baddies in his game.

Oh, my game doesn't have baddies.

Then who, sir, is this?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, don't do that.

Don't do that. That looks like your little brother, bro.

It's Princess Zelda, the prettiest girl in Hyrule.

And let's just say me and her are friends, and that's it.

Friends. And that's it. Yeah, that sucks, man.

I mean, Colin, listen, I respect all the Zelda games, but.

I respect.

Listen, man, I'm going to beat your ass.

I'll use a potion.

Right. Hey, listen.

Listen, man. Respect to all the Zelda games.

They're all right, but they're all t tmp and g.

They're tmp png.

Yeah. Too many puzzles. No guns.

Oh, look, look,

look at what you could buy at a store in GTA six.

You can just buy this, man.

You could just buy it like it's Advil at a store.

You just buy this. It's awesome. This is an RPG, okay?

You can blow anything up with this.

Whatever you want. Dude, this is bad ass.

Oh, you want to talk bad us?

How about this fairy in a bottle?

Can you just buy this? You can just buy this

three magic frogs and it gets you this.

What does that even do?

It heals all your hearts. God, you're an idiot.

All right, man, stop.

Stop, stop.

Let's see. We're done. We're done. Man. We're done.

Oh, you heard my fairy. We're done.

We're done. Dude, I cast on three magic frogs.

We're done here. We're done here.

Yo, America, GTA six this November.

Destruction, chaos and such.

Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time remake this November puzzles

light combat, my healed fairy and full frontal nudity.

Oh. For real?

No. I love Jason and Link.

Everyone.

And killed this fairy.

It was reported that.

It was reported that Sean Combs pays his fellow

inmates to clean his bathroom.

And he pays them a little more to make it nastier.

He had to go to a dirty joke.

Newly discovered records suggest that in 1931,

Adolf Hitler may have murdered his niece.

Okay, that's strike two.

LeBron James attended his first press conference

as a 76 year old.

Scientist at a lab in Switzerland

have developed a robotic hand that can walk on its fingers.

That's not all I can do, said the night janitor.

Glee creator Ryan Murphy recently announced he's

working on a reboot of the hit show.

Here, to give his thoughts

on the return of Glee is Kam Patterson.

Ha ha ha.

That's what I'm saying.

Can you believe it? Glee is back.

Yeah. Tell cam there's no.

There is no way you're a Glee fan. What.

You mean a Glee? Yeah. Hey, I'm a total gleek. I'm a crewneck.

I spend all day groaning. Ballooning.

I couldn't be more excited for Glee to be back.

That can't be true.

Cam, you're. Right, because I'm kind of nervous.

Oh, they gotta get it right, man.

Get Glee.

Right? What are you talking about? It's been 12 years.

It's like one of our favorite characters up to it.

Is Rachel Berry still on Broadway?

What about Kurt? You know what I'm going to say about Kurt?

I obviously don't know what you guys think about Kurt.

Or him and Blaine stood together.

They better be together today. They better be together.

I love them. You got to stop.

Stop talking about Glee characters. You're right.

And start talking about the music.

Speaking of which. Hamilton.

Oh, Glee has got to come to Hamilton.

I just gave myself chills to my arm.

Come on. I'm shaking. Chills, man.

Oh, Kev. Yeah.

Look, I know you, man.

You don't have to say yes to every idea

the white writers pitched to you.

What are you talking about?

I love glee.

You don't know what the hell Glee is, cam,

without looking at the cards.

Name one character. Probably.

Don't look at me.

Oh, look. Santana, Montana.

Yeah, fine.

I don't even.

Know if that's right, but I know you don't know him.

Oh, yeah. You got me. You got me, man.

Look, cam, I've worked here, what, 30, 35 years?

I know what this is.

Two white writers came up to you.

In truth, Fisher would not do about Glee.

And now you out here say a bunch of names

you've never heard before, right? Yes.

And you've never seen Glee? Not once.

And how do you feel? Pretty bad.

I just did jazz hands on national television.

Look, they do the same thing to me, man.

You think I know what the Strait of Hormuz is?

But I just read it.

Here's my advice.

When you come out here, just be yourself, okay?

That's all we have. We want to hear from you. Okay?

Talk about what you want to talk about.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll ask for some

talk about a time I got robbed during a threesome.

No, no, no.

Okay, what about having a voter in my life?

Definitely. No, don't do that. No, something. Something else.

Okay, I got

I got a funny story about, like, me going to a strip club.

I mean, maybe that could work out. Okay. Here. Go. Here. Go.

Let me let me set the scene.

I was 14 years old.

No. Can I keep forgetting you from Florida? Listen. No.

Let's go back to TV. What TV shows do you watch?

Okay, look, I'm not going to lie to you that I like the office.

Great. How did you get into the office?

Okay, listen, I was hanging out with his white lady, right?

And quick question. Can I say fellatio on TV? No. Can't.

Absolutely not. Kam Patterson. Hamilton.

Oh, no. They got Hamilton.

Okay.

Great.

Actor Dennis Haskins, who played

principal building on the 90s sitcom saved by the Bell.

Died this week.

So much work went into that.

After the recent nor'easter hit, the Jersey shore

resident reported seeing a shark swimming down a flooded street

looking for the guy who knocked up his sister.

You like that? Wow.

That would put me in the cast. Lord,

I was transported to new Jersey. That was incredible.

Police in Michigan reported that a toddler at a daycare center

pulled a loaded handgun from his backpack.

So I guess it is recess. Bitch.

Studies show that many Americans

are experiencing dating app fatigue

and looking to return to more traditional methods

of meeting someone.

It was her ideas about who I should date.

Hold on. It's New York City matchmaker Debbie Busch.

Hello.

Sorry. I came here as fast as I could.

I understand it's an emergency.

Well, well, I had to say it was emergency.

What are you talking about?

Please say I don't interrupt

you while you're trying to do your job.

Please don't interrupt me while I'm trying to do my job. Okay.

Hey. I'm so good at my job.

I got Jojo Siwa back on boys.

I'm not even going to comment on that. Okay.

No show. Okay, let's start by identifying.

You will and you won't.

Okay. First sample.

Are you open to dating a convicted felon?

No, I don't think so. Okay.

Wait.

What? We're learning. Shea. It's very helpful.

Okay. Oh, whoa whoa whoa. Oh, I got a good one for you, Shea.

I got a good one.

Okay. I got a really good feeling about this client.

She seems he's appropriate.

She's creative. She makes her own money.

Your political views completely align. Is J.K. Rowling. No,

no, I think I can do a little better than J.K.

Rowling. Okay. Oh, good. How about this one?

Yeah.

I got a really good girl for you. She's approachable.

She's sweet.

She come from a really good family.

All right, that sounds promising.

I'm listening. So, sadly, she has passed.

But you're welcome to visit her grave site any time you want.

She's dead.

You know what, Shea? You know what?

His spirit is actually coming forward right now,

and she says she's not interested.

All right, look, I'm requesting that the girl I date

be at least alive. Okay.

Okay. Okay. What? What? Okay.

Why are there so many dead clients?

Oh, she say I love this one. Okay.

She's got a really big personality.

She's married, but they open. Okay.

22 millimeter waist, 22 millimeter feet. She's a potato.

It's Mrs. Potato Head.

No. Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey.

Look at me.

Look at me, Shay.

I don't know where you get off being so picky, okay?

Because look at you. You're 435,000 years old.

You never did eat the railroad truck, okay?

You drink like a fix fish.

You have sex like a fish. You weigh 349 pounds.

I don't weigh 349 pounds. Okay, okay, okay.

How about this for Shay? She's industrious.

She's competitive.

She's the girl who crapped

the pants during the Chinese marathon.

Chinese marathon? That's not what it's called. Hey, hey.

Please don't waste my time, Shay.

Please don't waste my time, okay?

Yeah. Expectations are up here. I'm gonna need him down here.

Hey, get your hand out of there, girl.

You know what? You know what? Fine. Let's take a break.

Okay. Let's talk. I will breast shape.

Call me when someone tell me one.

Show me one. None of those. Tell me one.

Not know someone tell me one. Sell me one.

Sell me one. No, not. No. You know what?

Okay, fine. Shake. You've run before.

Okay, I'll bring out my. Bring you Rodney. Door. That's,

I'll bring out my ringer.

Okay. She's drop dead gorgeous. Okay. Oh, credit is bad.

Her body is worse. She's got her hands.

She's Bella. Her mouth.

She's standing right next to you. It's me.

No, w I am not going on a date with you. Shay.

What if I told you I got no gag reflex?

Like a swallow, a cue ball, no water.

Fine. I'll go on a date with you one day.

And I'm not paying for your Uber.

Yo. Danny. Much? Everybody.

I be blessed to be alive.

I█m Michael Che, I█m Colin Jost Goodnight!

All right.

My diva queens lights up pretty soon. Okay. Okay. Dive. Right.

If you need anything, just holler.

Thanks. Mr. 1779.

Hey, can I show you guys this girl that I'm obsessed

with? Okay, she literally.

Does the best get ready with me videos.

Hi, guys.

Get ready with me for the first day of eighth grade.

Because y'all know I gotta do a full B before homeroom.

I got you so cute.

Wait, have you seen this one?

Get ready with me for my shift in the e.R.

I don't want no scrubs.

More like I love my scrubs. My Pikachu. Ones. That is.

Oh, my God, she's so beautiful.

Wait, you guys know Colorado? Vicki, right? Who?

Colorado. Vicki. She does the actual best.

Get ready with me here. Let's check this out.

Hey, guys,

get ready with me for court ordered electroshock therapy.

So I'm doing no moisturizer today

because you're going to want these little thingies

to really stick to your temples.

And as for makeup, today I'm just going to be going with

an understated bright green lip

because it's a shade that can easily go on day to night.

Earth to hell.

They said that 500V should work this time,

but I don't know what's see. Hashtag zap me, daddy!

I'm sorry. What was that? Colorado. Vicki.

I'm legitimately addicted to her ass. Really?

She seems unwell.

Oh, she's. Well, trust me. Check this out.

Hey, cheeky taters, get ready with me to get 5150

on the roof of San Bernardino Whole Foods.

First, you're gonna want to take this or heat

list styling bomb and tease your bangs up super high,

like your hair is trying to escape your scalp.

And then

you're going to want to put on a mask made of mirrors

so that the flat cameras can't find you after you bite a cop.

Oh, isn't she so goes.

No, not at all. It's a soul, sisters.

Any of y'all want some bagel bites.

Or good dad?

No problemo. Queens.

I'm just going to go drink in the pool for a while,

stand in the deep end and have myself a think.

Is your dad okay? Yeah.

He always comes in happy, but the second he's done

talking, the lights go out in his eyes.

Yeah, whatever. He's fine.

Wait, you guys look at this one.

It's kind of like my makeup Bible.

Hey, guys. Happy? No blinking. October.

I'm currently on three days an okay outfit of the day.

This is what I'm wearing

to handcuff myself to a public figure.

Drop a comment below if you know where to find

turtle from under entourage.

Oh my God, how did you find these videos?

They have like four views. I don't know,

I guess my algorithm is just cool, amazing.

Hey my sassy mama chicas. Anybody want some Cajun tots?

No thanks, Mr. Suffredini.

Okay, glad y'all are having fun.

I'm having kind of a rough day myself.

You see, my boss found my Sailor Moon costume

spread like wildfire on slack.

Anyway, I'm gonna go take a jog down the middle of the highway,

so just holler if you hoochie mamas need a pizza roll off. Oh.

God. So spooky. Smile. Go.

And you can still see his feet when he leaves.

He just stands outside the door.

Oh, my God, you guys stop giving him attention.

That's like exactly what he wants.

Wait, you guys have to see this one. It's the best.

Get ready with me to make brunch and give myself a lobotomy.

You're going to want to start

by finding a really good power drill.

Hashtag L'Oreal partner.

She's sponsored by L'Oreal.

I'd be so jealous if she didn't totally deserve it.

Hey, my little white Sea words. Anyone want some kettle corn,

Hun? What the hell? We're good dude.

Cool beans.

Well, I'm just going to go lay down in the grass

and put some dirt in my mouth, see what it feels like.

Let the bugs do their thing.

Should we call someone about your dad?

No, he's just in a funk.

Because, like,

mom left his boss on a Sailor Moon costume,

and he didn't realize that draft Kings was real money.

Oh, I think I want to go home. Why?

Why would you go home in Colorado?

Vicki is live right now.

Hey, girlies. Boyfriend?

Yo, here's the dead eyed king I've just met

wandering around the golf course 45 seconds ago.

Hey, my little pizza slut.

Oh, my God, you're gonna be my new mom.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, TURNSTILE.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I'M HAPPY TO

GIVE MYSELF AWAY ♪

♪ I'M HAPPY TO

FIX WHAT I CAN'T CHANGE ♪

♪ ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

I CARE

ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

I'M THERE ♪

♪ I'M HAPPY TO SINK

INTO REGRET

IF ONLY TO LOSE MYSELF

IN IT ♪

♪ ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

I CARE

ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

I'M THERE ♪

♪ BUT DO YOU REALLY WANNA

FALL APART

AND DO YOU REALLY WANNA

BREAK MY HEART IN TWO ♪

♪♪

♪ TWO ♪

♪♪

♪ I'M HAPPY TO

GIVE MYSELF AWAY

I'M HAPPY TO

FIX WHAT I CAN'T CHANGE ♪

♪ ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

I CARE

ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

I'M THERE ♪

♪ BUT DO YOU REALLY WANNA

FALL APART

AND DO YOU REALLY WANNA

BREAK MY HEART ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU'RE LIVING

IN A FANTASY

I GUESS YOU'LL NEVER KNOW

YOU'RE LEAVING ME IN TWO ♪

♪♪

♪ DEEP IN THE NIGHT

I'M WAITING FOR THE CALL

DEEP IN THE NIGHT

I'M WAITING FOR THE CALL ♪

♪ WON'T BE SURPRISED

BY ANYTHING AT ALL

DEEP IN THE NIGHT

I'M WAITING FOR THE CALL ♪

♪ AND THERE'S A RINGING

WHEN YOU TALK TO ME

TALK TO ME ♪

♪ RINGING WHEN YOU

TALK TO ME

TALK TO ME ♪

♪ I'M GOING DULL

I'M GOING DULL

I'M GOING DULL

I'M GOING DULL ♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Every day, somewhere in the world,

something unbelievable happens to someone,

something that challenges the very core of what we believe

every day.

Somewhere in the world, someone experiences the impossible.

This is amazing. Tales of truth.

Doctor, please.

There must be some way to wake my father from this coma.

I'm sorry, ma'am, there's. There's nothing we can do.

What if I say.

What do you mean?

Well, my father's always loved my singing.

Maybe it will wake him.

Ma'am.

I'm sorry, but there's no medical reason

why that would work. Well, I have to try.

Papa, if you can hear me, this is for you.

Somewhere over the rainbow

way up high.

There is other land that I've heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow.

Skies are blue.

And the dreams that you dare to dream.

Really do come true.

Did it work?

It did not.

It's not how comas work.

This guy got hit by a bus.

The hell? Singing a song going to do

you see, every day, somewhere in the world,

something unbelievable happens to someone. But this.

This was not one of those things

that day,

a guy in Croatia floated off the ground for a bit,

but no one was around to film it.

God, I wish we had that footage, but we don't.

But maybe we will. Next time on

Amazing Tales of Truth.

>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH TO

TURNSTILE. TAYLOR SWIFT

THANK YOU FOR HAVING MY BIRTHDAY

WITH ME!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

THANK YOU, LORNE

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪