Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

♪ Yo, yo ♪

♪ I nobody name ♪

♪ I'm so rare ♪ ♪ I'm yo' pusher ♪

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ I'm the necktones ♪

♪ And I just Want to let you all know ♪

♪ I'm yo' pusher ♪

♪ The world is about To feel somethin' ♪

♪ I'm yo' pusher ♪

♪ That they never felt before ♪

[GUNSHOT]

♪ Five, fo', fo' ♪

♪ Hey... ♪

B-RAD: Growing up in the streets ain't no joke.

There's crazy crime,

drugs,

and mad violence.

Yeah, the streets is tough,

but there ain't no streets tougher than mine.

The streets of...

[GUNSHOT]

Malibu.

It's hardcore up in the 'Bu, y'all,

but it's just part of the everyday struggle.

Things go down here people should never see.

We got bag ladies,

big ballers,

everybody strapped with a nine.

This is my ghetto, the mall.

Most of the time,

the police won't even come through.

We got all sorts of sets up in here.

We got the beach boys,

the ACCs, the Abused Children of Celebrities,

and this is my crew.

That's my boy, Mocha.

That brother straight-up crazy.

He did time in public school.

That there is Hadji.

He's the Beast from the Middle East.

And that's Monster.

She had a big chip on her shoulder...

till she ate it.

Hey, that's me, B-Rad G.

I run things around here.

Now, sometimes, busters be disrespecting,

and you can't punk out,

no matter what the devil may bring.

Hey, yo, fool.

We about to have some hardcore drama

go down right about now.

That's right.

This our mall. Always has been, always will be.

Whoo whoo!

Oh, Mr. Amerislani.

Our clerk accidentally gave you

the wrong aromatherapy candles.

Here you go.

[SNIFFS]

You validate parking?

Of course, sir.

That's what I'm talking about.

We get ours.

[GUNSHOT]

That's my crib.

It ain't much, but it's all I got.

And if you elect me governor...

That's my pops, Bill Gluckman.

He getting his campaign on.

I got mad love for the man, but he's old school.

He needs to bring his word to the street.

That's where I come in.

You see, friends...

California is my family.

And speaking of family,

I want to introduce my wife, Bess,

and my daughter, little Brenda.

Where's your son, Brad?

Yes, sir, where is he?

I... It-- He's--

Uh, thank you for your questions.

Unfortunately, we are out of time for today.

[HIP-HOP BLARES]

[WHIRRING]

Yo, what's up, y'all?

This is B-Rad G, kicking it from 'Bu,

representing...

Hi, Pops, it's me,

B-Rad.

Hi, Brad.

♪ We all gathered here On this special occasion ♪

♪ To listen to my pops Teach you west-coast liaison ♪

♪ When down as a candidate So easy to pick ♪

♪ Hear his chat Or I'm going to get sick ♪

♪ It's the wild, wild west Up here in these streets ♪

♪ And I'm a cowboy pimp When I get between the sheets ♪

♪ I got the sallies with the Biggest heinies in my stable ♪

♪ I want to ride 'em, boy But sometimes I'm not able ♪

♪ I kiss them on the neck I kiss them on the mouth ♪

♪ I move downtown Till I go-- ♪

Show's over. That's it.

The show's over.

[ALL SHOUTING]

B-RAD: See that?

I know how to get the party started,

and I know my pops was loving it.

No, it's a disaster.

No, I talked to The Times and the Chronicle,

and they're going to run it as a big joke.

Oh, thank God!

How in the hell did this happen?

I have no idea.

I didn't even know he was in town.

Oh, for God's sake. We can't keep tabs on this kid?

Can anybody tell me where this boy is?

Hey, yo, pops.

That was off the hinges!

I just got you another million votes

right there.

What you doing here, son?

Uh...

Um, well,

I knew I had to show up

in order for you to blow up,

so I called up Captain Tony,

he fired up the Lear jizzy...

and boo-yah!

I'm in the hizzy.

I'll be on the campaign trizzy too,

24/7.

You know, kissing babies and whatnot.

Pound it.

Yeah, all good.

Tom, you down, you gots...

Okay, dude.

I'll let you all do your campaign thing.

What up, bro.

Oh, Bill...

You need to shut this down.

You need to tell your son

that he cannot be in your campaign, period.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

I love his enthusiasm.

I mean, it's a little misguided,

but...

I mean, isn't there something he can do

for the campaign where he can't hurt us?

No.

Uh, phones?

No, no, no. No.

No? Stuffing envelopes?

Making signs?

Signs.

In Bill Gluckman's administration,

women are going to have better health care.

Women are going to have better daycare.

Yeah! Yeah!

And women will have better jobs.

In fact, after today, my campaign has a new slogan--

[AUDIENCE GASPING]

"Bill Gluckman is down

with the bitches and the hos"?

It was supposed to have read,

"Women are first with Gluckman."

No, no. That's old school, Pops.

You need to keep your pimp hand strong.

So, Bradley...

Yo, why you keep calling me that?

Well, that's your name, isn't it?

It's my slave name, a'ight?

I told you, like, 50 times.

Okay.

B-Rad.

What's up?

What are your goals, B-Rad?

What do you want out of life?

To be the biggest rapper there ever was.

You see, doc, I got something to say,

and I need the world to hear it.

I'm a lyrisologist.

Mm.

I can rap about anything.

♪ Shrink-shrink Blinkety-blink ♪

♪ Tryin' to make me think ♪

♪ Want to go to my sink ♪

♪ And vomit ♪

♪ Clean it up with Comet ♪

♪ Earth is my plah-net ♪

Mm-hmm.

See? I'm the shiznit.

I'll buy y'all cars.

I see.

When did you first start feeling

like you were this...

shiznit?

Aw, dang. Way back in the day.

I had these beats in my head since I was a little shorty.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

Whoo.

♪ To rock a rhyme ♪

♪ To rock a rhyme that's Right on time, it's tricky ♪

B-RAD G: From then on, it was hip-hop 24/7.

As I was growing up,

my parents and me couldn't communicate,

because they were always on different channels.

Finish those vegetables, Bradley.

Mm. They smell good.

And you're not going to be excused

until you do.

Forget y'all.

Oh, that's it, mister--

♪ All across the land ♪

♪ There's no need to argue Parents just don't understand ♪

What I'm sensing, B...Rad,

is that...

your parents weren't always there for you.

Nope.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah. What about your bar mitzvah?

Hey, Brad.

What's the theme of your bar mitzvah?

Star Wars? Baseball? Superheroes?

It's OPP, bitch.

What?

♪ You down with OPP? ♪ ♪ Yeah, you know me ♪

♪ You down with OPP? ♪ Yeah, you know me ♪

♪ You down with OPP? ♪ Yeah, you know me ♪

♪ Who's down with OPP? ♪ ♪ Every last homey ♪

♪ You down with OPP? ♪ Yeah, you know me ♪

Bess.

I think you want to share.

B-Rad,

you're a wonderful son.

It's just that...

Well...

Bess, Bess, let's not beat around the bush.

Brad...

Honey, your behavior has become

an embarrassment to the family.

Don't be hating.

And I'm afraid

I can't have you on the campaign anymore.

What?

That's how it is?

You done it now.

Y'all just opened up a big can of tough love.

[DOOR SHUTS]

What can we do, doctor?

I don't know.

This is the most advanced case of "gangsta-phrenia"

I've ever seen.

Three colors for our country.

Where's the red? Where's the red?

Hey, Bill! Hey, Bill.

How'd it go with Dr. Feldman?

Oh, it went great.

He says if he sees Brad five times a week

for the next three or four years,

we should see some real improvement.

But, sir, the election is eight weeks away.

Right, good point.

Yeah, but it's okay, it's okay,

because we've been brainstorming some different approaches here,

and we might have something pretty solid.

Well, I'm all ears.

Go.

Okay, uh, sir.

Brad acts ghetto, right?

But let's face it, he's never been east of Beverly Hills.

But what if we give him

a little dose of reality?

Let him get a firsthand look

at the ghetto.

You mean have Brad actually go there?

Exactly.

Well, that-- See, now, that sounds dangerous.

No. Perfectly safe.

Well, how's it work?

We hire actors to play gangstas.

Right, they will carjack Brad,

and then they will take him on a tour around the hood.

It'll give him a taste of what the thug life is really like.

It might just scare the black out of him.

Excuse me?

Ooh...

Hey,

don't you have something to do?

Enough of the PC.

Fact is, unless we do something now,

Brad is going to cost us this election.

Who would play the gangsters?

Remember the anti-crime spot

we shot a month ago?

We've got that cued up.

Yes, we do. Over here, please.

CRIME SPOT NARRATOR: For too long,

street violence has torn Californians apart.

Bill Gluckman wants to put our divisions behind us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

Instead of thinking about what set you're from,

or what crew you're rolling with,

why don't you both be brothers?

What do you say?

Your hair looks great.

I ain't never thought of it like that.

Shake hands.

You see?

California is my family.

[♪♪]

If we all work together as a family,

there's no telling how high we can go.

See, that's beautiful.

These are the guys.

These are our two men we're talking about.

All right, hold the phone, buddy.

Let me get this straight.

You want us to take this kid

and scare him into acting like a little white boy again?

Now, if you don't think you can handle it--

Oh, of course we can handle it.

I'm from Juilliard, for chrissake.

I'm from the Pasadena Playhouse.

Good.

I have some background information

on our dear boy Brad.

Materials.

Mali-bootay?

Yes, he considers himself a rapper of sorts.

Oh, frigging A.

Here's the story--

it is your basic kidnapping.

Now, by kidnapping,

you mean we hold him for ransom?

Oh, good question.

Right.

Now, when you see him start to get ghetto,

do his whole black thing--

Yes. That.

I want it to piss you off.

Tour him around the hood,

around the ghetto, if you will, and...

show him what it's really like.

In the-- In the ghetto?

Na--

Pays 15 grand apiece, son.

BOTH: We're in. Good.

Now, on the flip side...

Flip it.

If you two screw up, and a single hair is touched

on Bradley's over-privileged head,

I will see to it personally

that you two do some serious time.

Are we clear?

Oh, we are crys-tal.

I like that.

Yeah.

Oh, um, Mr. Gibbons, um...

What about the money?

Ooh!

We have five upfront,

and 25 when you return him to us...

white.

Oh, as the driven snow.

Pleasure doing business with you, gentlemen.

Oh, let me get that for you, sir.

I'll call you.

Or better yet, I'll holler.

We'll holler back.

Holler back, player.

Thank you. All right.

Wow!

Congratulations, buddy.

We just booked another gig.

Listen, not so fast,

this is dangerous stuff, all right?

This is the ghetto. We could get shot.

Oh, come on, man.

We can handle ourselves.

Right?

Hey, hey, hey.

This will be the ultimate acting challenge.

You know what really chaps my ass?

What?

After all of our years of training and studying,

they continue to give us parts that are gangbangers.

Just once, I'd like to play a role--

someone who speaks with proper grammar

and doesn't have to wear those disgusting Timberlands

with the laces undone.

It's so sloppy.

Well, it beats getting dunked on by Bill Gluckman.

Do we even know anybody that lives in the ghetto?

My cousin.

Shondra.

Well, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

I got better things to do with my time.

Like what, Shondra? Work at Wiener On A Bun?

Come on!

Really, Shondra, you're always talking about

improving yourself.

Here's your chance.

I am improving myself, fool.

I broke up with no-good, gangbanging Tec,

I'm going to beauty school,

and then I'm gonna hook up my own salon, so there.

How about hooking a brother up

with some Pepsi and some French fries?

Oh, shut up, stupid.

PJ...

What?

Shondra, you need to do this.

You need to walk away from this minimum-wage crap,

take these earnings

and start that beauty parlor you were talking about.

What you paying?

Business. We're in business.

A grand.

We're paying a grand.

Make it tres, and we on.

$3,000?

Or you can kiss my ass.

Deal. Hey, hey!

Hey. Deal. Now, what about those fries?

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Gladys?

Yeah, baby.

You ever feel like you don't belong?

All the time.

Most folk only feel comfortable

around folk that's the same as them.

They get around folk that's different,

ooh, get all scared and angry,

want to keep them down.

What do you do about it?

Nothing to do but keep it real

and be proud of who you are.

Gladys?

Mm-hmm?

When they gonna leave our people alone?

I don't know, baby.

Mm... I just don't know.

Now, eat your greens before they get cold.

"Whack--

"Weak, of poor quality. Bad."

Whack...

Your Aunt Lamont's hair is whack.

Whack...

"Dis: To disrespect, to embarrass."

Dis...

Oh, yeah. Bring it on, baby.

We are strapped now, brother!

Set these bad boys down.

Aw-huh.

This is, uh, this is exactly what we ordered, huh?

Oh, yeah, man.

They got the Glocks, man, the Tec-9s, the Uzis, uh-huh.

Freeze, sucka!

That's convincing, brother.

That's...

Look, they're fake.

Wow, what the hell is that?

What's going on with your hair?

Yeah, yeah, check it out, man, my hair.

Shondra just did it for me.

Yeah, I see. I see that.

You hate it, don't you?

No, I don't hate it.

It's just that I thought

my-- my character was gonna have the cornrows,

and, uh...

That's all.

Oh, Okay, I see what it is.

I see what it is. You're just jealous,

You're just jealous,

because you didn't think of it first, huh?

Frigging A, I'm not jealous, all right.

I'm an actor, and I would've--

You're fricking whack, and...

don't dis me!

Got the gangster gear, my dog.

Okay, cool.

[LAUGHING]

What is so funny?

The wig!

I didn't know it was Halloween!

Hey, hey, while you're out,

could you bring me back some candy?

Whatever, dude.

Give me your ride, punk, or I will dust your ass.

Nope. Not convincing.

Damn it!

Find your core character, Sean.

You are an oppressed black man...

from the ghetto.

Yeah, I'm having trouble finding this one, man.

Hey... Think Tupac.

All right, let me try it again.

I see it.

Action!

Give me your ride, punk, or I will dust your ass!

Add a beyotch, and I think you got it!

Give me your ride, punk, or I will dust your ass, beyotch!

Beyotch! Beyotch!

Click it!

Turn around and do it again!

Beyotch!

Yes!

[♪♪]

♪ Do it, yeah ♪

♪ Well, I was chillin' In the hood not much to do ♪

♪ And I got to fly by Get a shot or two ♪

♪ So my homey call me up From Malibu ♪

♪ And say yo Hi-C, can I run wit' you ♪

♪ I had to slow him down It was movin' too fast... ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Hey, yo, My name is B-Rad ♪

♪ And I be Van Winkle ♪

♪ I like my latte non-fat ♪

♪ Don't forget My sprink-- sprinkle ♪

Jah, ma house!

Boo-yah!

We bad!

I take my money.

I take my money, and I'm gonna--

Yo, fool.

What, knuckle, what?

Damn!

♪ Hangin' and bangin' ♪

♪ And jammin' to the music ♪

♪ And just when it hit me ♪

♪ Somebody turned around And shouted ♪

♪ Play that funky music White boy ♪

♪ Play that funky music right ♪

♪ Play that funky music White boy ♪

♪ Lay down the boogie ♪

♪ And play that funky music Till you die ♪

♪ Till you die ♪

♪ Oh, till you die ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

Ooh.

Play that.

Yeah, girl.

Word.

Can I help you?

Coffee?

Black.

Okay.

Hey, yo, Krista the Barista,

put it on my account...

and throw in a white chip

maca-dizz-ay-mian-mizza cookie, too.

Cool, player.

What's your name?

B-Rad.

I'm Shondra.

I ain't seen you around here before.

Where you reside?

Compton. You?

The streets.

Which streets?

Malibu.

Right.

Right, I guess it's pretty hardcore

up in here, huh?

Represent!

Ooh.

Ooh, was that you dropping rhymes

when I came in here earlier?

Oh, you heard me?

Hell, yeah.

I'm a rhymer on time.

Peek my style out.

Ooh, let me find out.

Mali-bootay?

Looks phat. What label you at?

Oh, right now it's just a demo.

I sent it to Dre, but he ain't got back to me yet.

That sound like Dre-Dre.

You know what?

I'll holler at him about it,

a'ight, boo?

A'ight.

Hold up!

You know Dre?

Hell, yeah, I know Dre.

I see him at the swap meet every Sunday.

For rizzeal?

For rizzeal.

Yo, holler at him for me.

I don't know.

You know, he kind of private.

Please?

Mm, you do got it going on

a little something- something, though.

I was actually on my way to go see him.

You wanna roll with me?

Right now?

I'm just trying to help a brother out.

Let's bounce.

A'ight.

Ooh, I gotta use the ladies' room,

so just wait one minute, a'ight, pimp juice?

[♪♪]

CELL PHONE RINGING]

Um, hello?

It's on. Beach boy's on the move.

Okay.

So, what you rap about, anyway?

I can rap about anything.

For real?

Yeah.

Let me kick it freestyle for you.

♪ Hey, yo, traffic, traffic ♪

♪ Lookin' for my Chap Stick ♪

♪ Feelin' kinda carsick ♪

♪ There's a Ford Maverick ♪

See, that's a million-dollar song

right there.

Mm-hmm.

So how'd you get to be so down?

Shoot, girl.

I been down with the briz-zown

all my life.

And I must say,

of all the mommies that I been with...

you the finest.

I'm sure.

So, uh... You got a man?

I did, but I just got rid of his trifling ass.

I ain't nobody's gangster hoochie.

I'm a entrepreneur.

Word up!

One day I'm gonna have me a chain of beauty salons,

all up in the 90210.

I'm a make mad money

turning all those little rich hoochies ghetto fabulous.

Damn!

You fine and smart too?

You gonna blow up huge, no doubt.

Thank you.

Oh, for real.

You like a cross between Martha Stewart and Oprah.

I'm gonna call you Moethrah.

What?

Moethrah.

Ooh, take this exit.

Brace yourself, fool!

Give me your ride,

or I'm a dust your ass, beyotch!

What?

You fitting to get jacked, fool?

Shondra?

Shut up, fool. Is this a come-up?

Hell no, it's a stick-up.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

You about to get one of us

if you don't get in the back seat, fool!

Does this mean we ain't going to Dre's?

Fool, this a kidnapping!

Get your ass in the car.

Dre?

What the hell he talking about?

Yo, punch it, fool! Punch it!

Punch it! Kidnapped?

Yeah, fool.

We got your rich Gluckman ass now, punk.

How y'all know me?

We seent you.

We seent your white behind on the TV.

B-Rad. Yeah.

Your poppa's gonna pay,

or you gonna pay.

Punch it, fool.

We got us a white boy now.

How much you think we can get

for this punk, anyway?

It's all about the Benjamins, baby.

Yeah.

WOMAN: Don't you talk about my mama.

I'll talk about your mama all I want.

Hell, no! Your mama so fat...

she got every caterer on speed dial!

What? Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Your mama's so fat,

that she uses Mexico, the whole country,

as her tanning bed.

Your mama so ugly,

Jose Eber won't even do her hair!

Yeah, your mama's so ugly, she's only been married once!

Whoo!

Your mama's so poor, for Halloween,

her trick was the treat!

Your mama's so poor that your tits are real!

Oh, no!

Yes! Yes!

I'm going, I'm going. I gotta wait for the lady.

Come on, punk.

Get in the house, fool.

Dang, why you doing this to a brother?

What?

Did he just say "brother"?

No, he didn't.

Whose brother?

Yours, y'all! I'm down.

Damn! Damn!

You done did it now.

You ain't black,

and you can never be black,

and your perpetrating ass

is taking the only thing that I got left.

My culture.

Yeah, fool!

What make you think you know what goes down up in the hood?

B.E.T.

What?

You think this a joke, wigga?

You think this a joke?

I'm sorry, y'all. Don't be hating.

This ain't a game!

You a long way from the beach now, punk!

We in South Central.

This the hood.

This the ghetto, the projects.

We run hardcore up in here.

People get killed here every day.

Yeah, yeah.

LITTLE GIRL: Hey, Shondra, can you come by later?

Princess just had puppies.

Okay, Sandy. Bye.

Pit bull puppies, fool.

And they mean too.

Don't look at me.

Come on!

Get your narrow bootie up in there.

Get him up in there!

Now, fool, put your hands behind your back.

Behind the back.

Put your hands behind your back.

You know what I'm about to do now?

I'm about to call your daddy.

Ooh, we gonna call your daddy.

You better hope your daddy home, too,

because if he ain't,

you gonna be one dusted trick.

Now, get your ass on the bed, whitey!

Did you buy my rage?

No. You're indicating.

Indicating?

Yes, indicating.

Excuse me? I have never indicated in my life.

Would you two fools just shut the hell up?

She's right. Shut up.

Thank you, Shondra.

Whatever.

All right, Shondra, put this down.

You're on.

Go, girlfriend. Do your thing.

Oh, give me this.

Hey, Shondra.

If you have to...

show a little ass.

Oh, shut up.

You all right in here?

Oh, yeah.

I just been kidnapped, carjacked,

and hands tied behind my back,

but other than that, it's all good.

Look, I'm sorry about all that.

That wasn't really my idea.

I thought you liked me.

I do!

Then how come you set me up?

I had to.

They threatened to kill me if I didn't play along.

For real?

Yeah.

They straight-up killers out there.

For real?

Mm-hmm.

Let me school you on something.

Help us both stay alive. a'ight?

Okay.

The one thing that they hate

more than anything that really really makes them crazy...

is posers.

Me too, girl. I feel you.

I'm talking about you.

Me? I ain't a poser. Shoot.

I got a Ph.D., a Poser-Hater Degree.

Come on, quit frontin'.

I ain't frontin'.

Dis is my sizzal, for rizzal, my nizzal.

Stop it!

You stop it right now,

and you listen to me.

If you just be yourself, a nice little white boy,

I think I can convince them to let you go.

But I'm being myself.

I ams who I says I ams.

Damn!

Why won't anybody believe me?

[DOOR SLAMS]

Well?

Maybe you should show him your ass.

Huh...

I thought that would have worked.

Weird.

All right, what's next?

How about number three? Number three, perfect.

All right, we're going to take it

to an entirely different level.

Okay.

I got it. What?

I'm going to walk in there and I'm going to be crazy.

I'm going to be ghetto-fied, buck wild.

You tell me,

"Stick to the plan, man. Stick to the plan." Got it?

Wake up, snowflake!

Yeah! We put a call in to your dad!

What'd he say?

He said he'd think about it.

Huh?

Seems as if he don't want your ass home.

I can't say that I blame him.

Oh, hell, no.

Not that. Not the knife, dog.

Now, come on.

What you doing, dog?

I'm a teach this little white girl a lesson!

Oh, come on, Bloodbath, we said we was going

to stick to the plan, man.

Yeah, Bloodbath, stick with the plan.

Tree, the plan done changed!

What? Wannabe say he down.

I'm a show him just how un-down he is!

I gotta cut him!

No, you can't cut him. Oh, Tree, I gotta cut him.

Bloodbath, don't cut him. We can't get our money!

I thought you said to cut him!

Okay, just the white meat.

Move!

Let me cut him!

Don't kill him, though, Bloodbath!

[♪♪]

♪ Money Yes, honey ♪

♪ Long as you keep it comin' ♪

♪ I'm a have to be runnin' ♪

♪ Cause I ain't Gonna be in here... ♪

All right, now, Malibu.

I want you to go up in there.

You go get me six 40s of O.E.

And a fifth of Henny.

Yeah.

Yeah. Anything else, dog?

Oh, no, player, I'm cool.

Right on. Right on.

I'd like some Pringles.

This ain't no picnic, bitch!

I'm sorry.

Y'all got some ducats? Because since you stole my--

Man!

You 'bout to go up in there

and give them Koreans your ends?

Hell, no!

You jack that shit, fool!

And if the Asiatic give you any static,

hit the fool with this right here.

Look. Look at the little buster.

Little busta. Can't even swing a gat.

Shoot.

But--

Ba-da-da-da!

You use that or I'm a use it on you, fool.

Okay.

And if you try to get away? I'm gonna let you taste

a little piece of my blue steel. You feel me?

Okay. A'ight. Go on, get out!

Okay.

BOTH: Go!

Hey, white boy.

"This ain't no picnic, bitch?" Oh, wow!

Thank you. I loved the blue steel line.

Convincing.

Hola.

[MUTTERS]

I really can't believe that.

Those improv classes are really paying off.

Oh, they really are, man.

When you said, "This is no picnic, bitch,"

I screamed on the inside like one.

For real? Yes, I said, "Oh!"

Ooh, I'm thirsty, I gotta tell you.

And, boy, do I love Olde English.

It really helps quench my thirst.

Can I help you?

No, I'm gonna help myself to this O.E.

and anything else I want up in here, bitch!

Can I help you?

Uh...

y'all never been robbed?

Sure. Last week we're 54 time.

But they were cool.

No gun to head, never scream.

You know, good people.

Cool.

So, dude,

how much did you pay the guy?

What are you talking about?

You know, when you set this whole thing up yesterday.

I thought you set it up.

You mean...

Dude, the owner doesn't know this is fake?

$16.47.

Uh-huh.

PJ, go in there and save him.

He could get shot!

I'm not going to go in. You go in there.

His frigging life is at stake!

My emergency stash.

I'm glad you got cash,

because if you had tried to jack me, fool,

I was going to have to lay you out with this.

And with this.

And with that.

Uh, keep the change.

Just do me this one favor, please.

You are the driver. I am the shooter!

I'm scared of Koreans! You?

Thank you. Bye bye.

Thank you very much. Come again!

What I'm about to do right now,

I know it sounds whack, but it's just a joke, okay?

So please don't shoot me.

Yeah, that's right, fool!

Next time I'll bust a cap in your punk ass, bitch!

Yeah, you lucky I don't burn you down!

Hell, yeah! Hell, yeah!

What the hell is wrong with you?

What, you actually did it?

Let's roll.

You did it?

Hell, yeah. He didn't do nothing.

Straight-up trick.

What's up with this, huh?

If you jacked it,

how come you got a receipt?

I stole that too.

What's on tap for tomorrow?

Well, we have the 11:00 with Greenpeace,

then drinks later with the offshore oil lobby.

How's the Brad project going?

Smooth. He's in South Central.

God, is he okay?

Oh, he's in excellent hands.

A'ight. I'm sick of playing game with you, snowflake.

A'ight, now, I'm a give you five seconds

for you to be real,

or I'm a beat that ass to the curb!

What you mean be real?

You know what I mean. Be white!

Five.

Don't do it, Bloodbath!

Four. Don't do it, Bloodbath!

Three, two.

He gonna do it, white boy!

Kill him! Kill him!

Okay, all right!

Okay, fellas, look, I'm really sorry, okay?

I don't mean to offend you, you know.

I don't mean to front or act like a thug.

I'm sorry.

You buying that?

I don't know. I can't tell.

Mm-hmm. Me neither.

Let's give him the test.

How you doing, white boy?

You cool?

Great. Fine.

Terrific popcorn.

Run, bitch, run!

He gonna kill you!

Sit down.

I ain't lying. I ain't lying.

I'm sorry, y'all, but this is who I am.

I'm just a rapper, straight up.

BOTH: Wigga, please!

No, for real. I can rap about anything.

You think you got skills?

A'ight. We gonna see about that.

Oh, hell, yeah.

♪ Bloodbath and Tree ♪

♪ They be beatin' on me ♪

♪ But if they listen To my song ♪

♪ Then we'd all get along ♪

♪ I may be Jewish But I got a nice schlong ♪

Hey, man. Hey.

I had it up to here with you, man.

You better check yourself before you riggity-wreck yourself.

This ain't Malibu. Represent.

Oh, yeah. We gonna see what you represent now, fool.

We at the club.

Snoop, Dre, Cube, all them.

They came in through here.

Yeah, you got something to prove to yourself?

Do it in there.

Get in there, fool. Go on up in there.

Think this is gonna do it, dude.

Oh, we're about to get paid.

[♪♪]

What's cracking?

Hey, dog!

Yeah, how you feeling now, Malibu?

Like I'm home.

Get your ass in there then, fool. Go!

Come on. Let me get through here, man.

Yo.

Man, I told you I didn't have--

What's happening?

Yeah, yeah, look, our homey--

You wanna get a young Dre next, man?

Hell, no. You hear what he's saying?

Meet my boy, Ben Franklin. Ta-dah!

What's his name?

B-Rad from Malibu, player.

B-Rad from Malibu? You trying to get me shot?

Hey, you met Ben Franklin's twin brother? Ta-dah!

A bill.

All right, we gonna bring him up, man.

Y'all go back there and play with each other,

and come back in about five more minutes.

Y'all got some Will Smith back there?

"Get Jiggy With It"!

Hey, miss. Where you been?

Ooh, Shondra!

I been busy, Tec.

You been getting busy?

None of your damn business.

Okay, okay, I'm cool. I understand.

Just tell me who it is.

All you need to know is that it ain't your black ass.

See, this is that shit, Shondra.

You thinking you're better than me.

All you is is a chickenhead,

and that's all you ever gonna be.

Shondra?

Hey, girl.

What's up?

You all right?

Oh yeah, I'm fine, but you the finest.

She the truth too, dude.

I'm telling you, once Moethrah gets set up, boy...

You hitting this? No.

Now, let me go.

Hey, dude,

didn't your mama ever tell you

how to treat a lady?

That's not nice.

Oh, so you know my moms?

No, but she wouldn't appreciate you

grabbing a woman like that.

No, you right, what would your mom prefer?

Just talk to them and be nice to them.

Can I tell you what my mom would do?

My mom would tell you to mind your own damn business,

white boy!

Tec, don't!

Don't be hating.

Tec, don't! Stop it!

Y'all gonna be real sorry,

the both of you.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Who was that?

Old history.

You know what? Come on.

He strong.

[RAPPING]

Excuse me.

Where we going?

Just shut up.

Move, please?

You gotta get out of here.

You letting me go?

I'm not having your blood on my hands.

Now, look, it's the red Honda by the door. Just go.

DEEJAY: All the way from Malibu, B-Rad.

Give it up for B-Rad.

Straight out of Malibu. B-Rad, come on up. B-Rad

Go!

I can't.

Why?

Shondra...

anybody can rap at the Malibu County Fair.

This is my chance,

my one shot.

I gotta prove myself.

This is gonna be like an episode of Oz.

Um, yeah, excuse me.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go on stage, do my rhyme thing.

Um... Yeah. They kind of pack them in tight, here, huh?

Hey, get up there. Do your thing.

Yeah, get up there, fool.

Oh, hell, no. No, hell, no.

Uh-uh. Him?

No! Hell, no.

Do y'all have a locker?

Man, come on. You a rapper?

Yeah, straight up.

I didn't know Dairy Queen had a rap label.

B-RAD: Hey, I may be white, but my rhymes is tight.

I'm down, y'all.

No, you ain't down, homey.

I ain't battling no bitch, homey, first of all.

Ooh... I know you heard that.

Yo, can I serve this fool right quick?

Hey, man. Serve him, dog.

[BARKING]

Let's set it off.

What's it gonna be, Saltine? Heads or tail?

Tiz-ziz-ails!

What?

Tails. Uh, I'd like tails, please.

What's it gonna be? First or second?

Hey, ladies first.

Ooh!

Y'all cut it out.

Serve him Hi-C.

Man, check this out. I got something for his ass.

Do this for me. Let me hear. Yeah.

Say, "Whoop whoop."

Whoop whoop!

♪ Say, "Whoop whoop" ♪

Whoop whoop!

♪ Whoo-whoop-whoo-whoop-whoop ♪

Whoo-whoop-whoo-whoop-whoop!

♪ Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa ♪

Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa!

♪ So your mama got drunk And fell asleep in the zoo ♪

♪ With a zebra and a monkey And came up with you ♪

♪ When the doctor said push She released her pelvis ♪

♪ Oh, shit, now I'm battling The hip-hop Elvis ♪

♪ I have to spit flame And destroy your name ♪

♪ I really don't dig This rappin' John Wayne ♪

♪ Say y'all His little wienie's so small ♪

♪ When he go to take a leak I bet he piss on his balls ♪

[LAUGHTER]

Y'all, give it up for Hi-C!

Hi-C in the house!

Big Steel serving, baby,

serving heavy his style.

Man, I ain't gonna battle this little punk.

Let's see what you got.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When I say, "Mali" You say, "bu" ♪

♪ Mali ♪

Boo!

Okay, feeling the love.

♪ Yeah, uh, uh ♪

♪ Yeah, uh, uh ♪

Here we go, dog!

One, two, three, four, flow!

♪ What, what Hey, yo, I may be white ♪

♪ But inside My soul is black as night ♪

♪ And I don't wanna fight ♪

♪ A'ight I'd rather go fly a kite ♪

♪ Or go on a low-carb diet ♪

♪ That means no more pasta ♪

♪ Y'all rappers is too slow And I'm kinda faster ♪

♪ Hey, young Dre You got cornrows in your hair ♪

♪ You got cornrows down there ♪

♪ I got a watch ♪

♪ It's a Swee-atch ♪

♪ And when my mother Does my clothes ♪

♪ To get them clean She uses ble-ach ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm sorry, y'all, but I'm feelin' straight, figure ♪

♪ To boost up the boy ♪

♪ Hardcore nigga ♪

[NEEDLE SCRATCHES OFF RECORD]

[GASP]

[GLASS BREAKING]

I'm sorry.

[BOOING AND SHOUTING]

It's Black History Month. You out of your rabbit-ass mind?

What is this?

Is this some sort of rap initiation?

This is not how they do it on American Idol.

Come on.

Don't be hating.

Yo, yo, yo, all y'all rappers out there!

My name is Brad Gluckman,

and when I'm on the mic,

you can really say I suck, man!

All right, look, y'all.

Y'all had y'all laugh. Just chill out.

Yeah, because B-Rad G's about to get ill--

Yo, yo, yo,

I ain't laughed that hard in a long, long time.

For real.

Hey, hey, hey, yo, player.

Your pops called, and you know what he said?

He said he ain't paying.

Yeah, I guess he just wants you

to stay in the hood with the brothers.

You know, since you so down and all.

So I guess that mean

we just gonna have to smoke your punk ass.

What you think about that?

I don't care no more.

I got nothing to live for.

Go ahead, smoke me.

Dude...

You believe what they put on stage?

That's right. You getting played, homey.

Straight out, dog.

Excuse me?

That's right. I said you getting played, dog.

Little white boy up there hitting your lady.

You know, she digging it, she loving what's going on,

and this and that, right.

You know what I was kind of thinking?

I was thinking maybe I'd go next.

You want next?

Let a homeboy get some action,

you know what I mean--

Hey, homes! What's up?

Not here, Tec.

What you wanna do?

I wanna bag me a white boy, that's what I wanna do.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, you okay?

You know, it's not as bad as it seems.

It's worse.

Everybody's right.

My rhymes is weak.

You just-- you need a little work.

I should've run

when you gave me the chance.

No, you were right.

I respect you for getting up there.

You got mad heart.

But you heard them laughing.

I ain't nothing but a busta.

They just don't understand you.

None of them know

how hardcore it is up in Malibu.

Yeah?

Yeah.

With the... the... the traffic, and...

and the sharks.

Y'all got sharks.

And when the public be all up on your private beach?

Right. Right.

You just gotta stick with it and be yourself.

Don't let anybody tell you who you are.

You all right, B-Rad.

Hey, Shondra?

You know when I was saying earlier,

in the car,

about being a player and all?

I was just fooling.

I ain't never been with a real black girl before.

For real?

Well, except on the Internet.

You the finest girl I ever seen in my whole life.

And I was wondering...

since they're gonna ice me in the morning...

Could I, like, kind of, maybe...

hopefully...

kiss you?

You're so pretty.

Thank you.

Oh, you real pretty.

♪ Oh, so horny Oh, so horny ♪

♪ Oh so horny-- ♪

Damn, fool!

I said kiss!

I offered you a snack, not the whole kitchen!

♪ Oh, so horny... ♪

My bad. It's my bad.

My bad.

♪ ...Shine on me Shine on me ♪

Oh, hell, no! Hell, no!

Get your ass up.

Get your big ass up.

Move!

All right, that's it.

This game is whack.

I want my money, and then y'all can get out.

Hey, Shondra, but we're not done yet.

And you ain't never gonna be done.

Did it ever occur to you two clowns

that this might be the way he really is?

BOTH: No.

Whatever. Look, I did what you asked.

I want my money.

Shondra, you fail to realize

that putting together this entire operation

has been quite expensive.

Bling, bling!

Excuse me?

I might not have all the money right now.

Are you playing me? Huh?

Ow.

Y'all better get my money,

or I'm going in there, and I'm a tell him what's up.

A'ight?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Psst.

Hey, dog.

Huh?

Down here, dog.

Stuart Little?

Negro, please.

That little white rat ain't got nothing on me.

Yo, I'm Ronny Rizat, represizzat.

Oh. Hey, Ronny.

Why you down, dog?

I'm a failure.

No, it ain't like that, fool.

You need to stop listening to all them perpetrators

and just be yourself.

For real?

For rizzeal. Pound it.

Hold up.

You saying, if I put my mind to it,

I can be whatever I wanna be?

Damn straight.

That if I follow my dreams I can achieve true happiness?

Word.

And if I work hard,

I can be the biggest rapper there ever was?

Rapper? Hell, no. You stink.

Don't be hating.

I'd rather eat garbage

than listen to your tired-ass rhymes.

But-- Now, look here, man.

I'm up out of here. I gotta go see my lady.

She's a breeder rat at PetCo.

And please believe it,

it's all gonna work out for the best.

[TRAP SNAPS SHUT]

Oh, shiznit!

Oh, he totally bought it.

The carjack going into the kidnapping.

And we staged a beautiful liquor store robbery.

You should have been there.

Unfortunately, he still seems to be posing,

so we've taken it upon ourselves

to plan a drive-by shooting next.

Mr. Gluckman will be very happy.

Now, it's gonna take a little bit more money

than we originally projected, so that's why we were wondering

if you could give us an advance--

No, no, no, no, no.

No, you'll get the rest of your money

when Richie Cunningham comes walking through my door

and not a second sooner. Understood?

Right. I do under--

Good.

[DIAL TONE]

Mister--

Mr. Gibbons? Hello?

Damn!

They been playing me all along!

I knew my rhymes was dope!

I knew the hood couldn't be this bad.

How could they do that?

How could she do that?

All right.

The damn fools wanna play?

Then let's play!

What the hell?

Hey!

What the hell you doing? Listen up!

B-Rad G's in the hizzy.

And things are gonna start changing around here for shizzy.

Do something.

All right, you better shut your mouth, fool.

Get back in that room before I beat your ass.

You feeling froggie? Then leap.

Anybody else wanna step?

Uh... No.

What the hell got into you?

Shut up, ho!

Ooh.

Ho?

Who you calling a ho, ho?

You, ho.

The same ho that gave up that weak-ass kiss

five minutes ago in the bedroom.

Really? Shondra.

I told you she liked white boys.

Who do you think you are?

Oh, I'm B-Rad G from 'Bu.

Represent.

And what y'all didn't realize is,

I was trying to put my mobbing days behind me.

But rolling with y'all done re-awoke my inner killer.

So let's start dropping bodies!

Don't stand there. Come on, girl, help us.

Uh-uh. You created that monster. You deal with it!

Hey, man.

Hey, where you going, man?

Where you going?

I need to take a drive.

What you mean? Where you fixing to drive to?

Oh, I think today's a good day to die, don't you think?

♪ Yeah, ye-eah ♪

Hey, hey, hey.

Why you talking crazy, man?

Just be cool. Hey.

I might as well go out in a blaze of glory.

My daddy don't love me,

my rhymes is played out,

I ain't down enough for y'all.

No, no, you're down. You're down.

Isn't he down, PJ?

Ow! Tree, ain't he down? Yeah, Bloodbath, he down.

He down as they come, fool--

Oh, my God! Oh! A jack!

It's a jack! A jack!

Get out the car, white boy!

Oh, you that weak fuck from the club.

Get your behind out the car, man.

Got something for me?

Hell, yeah, I got something for you.

You ready to die?

Well, ain't that a co-inky-dink.

I was just talking to my two homeys

about just that.

Shut up and move. Move him!

Y'all should change up your style,

because this jackings is getting tired.

Hey, yo, Bloodbath,

if there's one scratch on my ride,

I'm gonna eat your children!

Shotgun.

Hey, yo, Deuce, shut him up. Oh, Jesus.

Hey, yo, 8-Ball,

what should we do with Bloodbath and his friend?

Uh, nothing.

I said shotgun. Know what shotgun means?

Shotgun means I ride in the front seat.

You better hope I don't piss in your trunk.

Shut up.

Allow me to clear this up for you, my dogs.

My name isn't Bloodbath, it's Sean James,

and I'm just an actor--

Well, Sean James. Is Shondra hitting that white boy?

I don't think anyone's hitting anybody, actually.

She's just in on this scam that we have going.

Scams? What you talking about, scams?

Well...

Uh, hey, player, we were just hired

to kidnap Bill Gluckman's son, man.

That's all we was doing.

Gluckman? Is that that dude running for governor?

You know him?

Hell, yeah.

Down with the bitches and hos.

I'm a vote for him.

What, you think we ignorant

just 'cause we live in the hood?

I didn't say that. Huh?

Hey, man, we would never say that, brother--

Silence!

Yo, we got Gluckman's son.

Gotta be worth more alive than dead. What you think?

Gotta be.

Grab fat-back. I got Milk Dud.

Let's roll.

I'm soft.

All of the polls say

that since Brad has been out of the picture,

we have gone up six points.

Yeah, but we're still dead in the urban demos, though.

There's no way we can win without them.

[INTERCOM BEEPS]

Mr. Gibbons? Yeah.

I have a Sean on the phone for you, sir.

Check it out, homes.

Is that him ése or what?

Yeah, that's Tec, homes.

Call Psycho.

Tell him to bring it all down.

We're gonna have ourself a little party tonight, homey.

Mr. Gibbons, we have a real serious problem here.

I told you no more money.

Yes, I realize you said that, but this is--

We're in really big troub--

Listen, fool.

Gluckman's boy's been kidnapped for real,

along with your punk-ass friends.

Kidnapped?

If Mr. Governor wants to see his punk bitch baby boy

alive again...

I want 500 grand by tomorrow midnight.

Um, well, how do I know this is real?

What, you think your actors is this good?

Say something.

Please help us.

I am...

so...

scared!

Please help us.

Well?

Okay, I'm convinced.

Well, get my money.

Fine. I can arrange that, but--

You got 10 minutes.

Now what?

We wait.

What?

They want 500 grand, or they'll kill him.

You've got to be kidding me.

Oh, come on! Oh, no!

Oh, my God.

We're going to jail.

Wait. Whoa. Slow down. Don't panic.

It was your idea!

That was idiotic!

Don't panic. Just... Let me think this through here.

You're just as guilty as any of us.

Well... Now, we may just have

a very interesting opportunity here.

Where are you going with this?

Well, the negatives are obvious.

Yeah!

Bill drops out of the race, emotional distress.

I can handle Bill.

What are the positives?

Well, there are just so many.

No more Brad problem.

Uh-huh.

Right. Right, I like that.

Well, with a dead son,

the sympathy factor could give us a huge spike

in the female and gay demos.

Wait, I've got the image:

Bill, weeping over Brad's open casket.

Then after grieving, he goes on the offensive.

Bill Gluckman's war on crime! On drugs! Gangs.

It's what's hot right now!

Ooh, that's great!

It's just what we needed!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Get over there.

Who this?

No deal.

Say what?

Bill Gluckman does not make deals with criminals.

That's it. His punk ass is dead.

Well, you do what you have to do,

and we'll do what we have to do.

There you go.

That was cold.

Yo, take off the tape.

Goddamn, that hurts like a motherfrick!

I'm a get out of this.

I'm gonna have to teach you all some manners!

Yeah, well, your daddy ain't paying.

Yeah, yeah. Tell me something I don't know.

What?

You heard me,

you half-stepping, moist-ass bitch!

Excuse me?

Oh, you gonna do it like that?

All right, then. Bring it.

It's been brought.

Okay, then. That gat's real, right?

So then do it.

Put crackerjack out of his misery.

Come on, y'all. I'll do it myself.

Get him!

Come on. Pull the trigger.

This fool is straight up crazy,

and I cannot deal with this shit.

[GUNSHOTS]

That's nice. Yeah, this is good.

Get your ass down, fool!

Y'all take this seriously, huh?

I love you, Sean.

I love you too.

Lay down some cover, fool!

We can't! They too strapped!

"We can't! They too strapped!"

What we gonna do?

"What we gonna do?"

Punks. Give me them gats. Y'all are serious crazy.

Y'all wanna play?

Well, then let's play.

Y'all know who you dealing with?

I'm Malibu's most wanted, y'all!

King Kong ain't got nothing on me!

[SCREAMING]

Damn. These special effects is the bomb.

[SCREAMING]

Let's go! Let's dip! Let's go!

It's safe now, y'all.

Hey, yo, that was ill.

And y'all punk asses ain't do nothing.

All that buffness for no reason.

That's him.

Get over here.

Hey, where you learn that from?

Grand Theft Auto III.

Word? Can I borrow that?

You got a PlayStation 2?

No, I got GameCast.

GameCast? Well, there's GameCube and Dreamcast. Which you got?

I said I got GameCast, man! Damn, I can't afford it.

My bad. I'm just trying to help you out.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

I'm gonna holler at you.

My wigga, my wigga.

What's up, baby? How you doing, man?

I got something for you.

That's yours, B.

Oh, for real?

Yeah.

Yo, you shouldn't have.

Serious moment. Bring it in, y'all, serious moment.

Welcome to the Nines, baby.

Only way out now... is in a box.

In a box?

In a box.

Oh, in a box.

Right.

Good evening. I'm Hal Fishman.

We open tonight with a Channel 5 News exclusive.

A security camera captured incredible footage

of gang violence tonight

as it flared on the streets of South Central.

This hardcore gangster,

believed to be the notorious White Kong,

ringleader of a South Central street gang,

fired his weapons with wanton disregard

for human life or personal property.

If you have any information

on the whereabouts of this man,

call our KTLA hotline at 800-1-SNITCH.

ALL: Oh my God!

Yo, that is some hardcore shnizitz.

Damn, Moch, what are we gonna do?

A'ight.

We're gonna bounce back to our respective cribs,

jack our mom and dad's biggest gats,

jet down to South Central

and save his ass!

Word.

Hey, hey,

Bradley's been involved in a gang shooting.

What?

No, no, no, it couldn't be.

No.

Yeah. His face is all over the news.

I think I know my own son.

All right, well, I'm sure there's a logical explanation.

Why don't you go on upstairs, get some sleep,

let me take care of it? Sleep? No. No.

He's shooting the hell out of South Central. Come on, Tom.

Let's go get him-- No! No, no, Bill.

You have a debate tomorrow in Sacramento.

The hell with the debate.

Hey, hey.

You cancel that, and you can kiss this campaign goodbye.

Tom, you can shove the debate up your ass.

I'm not going to lose my son over this election.

Hey, listen, Bill, I understand you're upset,

but for once in your life will you think outside the box?

For once!

Now, this whole thing,

this whole Brad thing with the gangs,

we can spin it and make it into a positive.

Positive?

Yes, if he's arrested or if he's injured,

we can turn it so you're the victim.

"Crime reaches everyone" kind of thing.

Are you trying to get votes out of this?

I'm trying to win, Bill, and you don't seem to care!

I'm his father!

Since when?

Since right now.

And you're fired.

We need to brainstorm on how I get my job back.

Hello. This is OnStar.

I'm looking for a location

of the license number D...SHIZNIT.

That vehicle is at the corner

of McKinley and 82nd Street, sir.

What the hell are you supposed to be, Robo-bitch?

All right Monster, what are you packing?

This.

What the hell is that?

My pop's spear gat... from the yacht.

What is he hunting,

Flipper?

Think you so bad.

Well, what you got?

Never mind.

Come on, let's see it.

All right, chill. Chill.

Is that a freaking musket?

Yeah, it's a freaking musket.

Shut up! Shut up, you damn posers!

Hadji, how about you?

I couldn't get much, yo.

Just this.

Oh, my God.

Damn! Where'd you get all that?

Christmas present from Uncle Ahmet.

OPERATOR: Mercedes Benz. May I help you?

Hell, yes, chickenhead!

I need a location on license plate number D-SHIZNIT.

That car is on the corner of McKinley and 82nd Street.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

Where's he going?

Are they making a sandwich?

He's the mayonnaise between the wheat bread.

Where's B-Rad at?

I... I haven't seen a thing. I haven't seen him.

Shondra? Shondra? A little help, please?

Sit your monkey-ass down.

Don't move.

What you know about this?

What you know about that?

You want some of this?

Oh, yeah, he does.

Get it, girl.

You know what?

You know, I just tested positive...

for G-A-M-E.

All right, gangsta.

Come on, girl. Let's do this.

Okay. We gonna show you something.

Wait till you see what we're gonna do.

Okay. Ooh. I ain't...

I wanna learn.

I wanna learn.

I like that.

I'm ready for the chocolate love.

Shondra?

Yeah, it's Shondra,

but I guess I wasn't good enough for you, huh?

What?

You had to creep up in the hood and get two more.

Oh, no. She didn't.

Yes, she did.

This no-good, deadbeat, weak-ass white boy

won't take care of little Malik.

Malik?

Mm-hm. Or Taquayzsha.

Taquayzsha?

Or Nahojay.

Naho-who?

Oh, no, now, that's trifling.

Let's get the hell up out of here.

Thank you, girl.

No problem, ladies.

Okay, bye-bye.

Damn. Why you throwing salt on my G-A-M-E?

I am saving your lily-white ass.

Now, come on.

Nuh-uh. I ain't going nowhere.

I'm a I-9 now.

Peep my tat.

Listen, fool--

No, you listen.

I know what you done, Shondra.

How this whole thing is fake.

The stick-up, the kidnap, the whole nizzy.

Damn.

No, you damn. Why you play me, huh?

For the money.

Money?

What you need money for?

Look, fool, this may sound stupid to you,

but not everybody has money,

and for the people who don't, money is important.

Oh, please, you're probably still flipping me and whatnot.

Damn it, B-Rad, this is real.

Tec and his crew are real.

Oh, really?

Well, then if Tec is real,

then this gat must be real,

and if this gat is real,

then the bullets in it have got to be real.

And seeing how my foot is real, this would really hurt.

See that? I just shot my foot.

And it's real!

Oh, my God, this whole thing is real!

I just shot my foot. I just shot my foot.

I just shot my foot.

Sit.

Stop hopping around, fool. Goodness.

Oh, God.

Oh, Shondra, I'm dying!

This cap barely grazed you.

I can't live!

Lucky you such a weak-ass shot.

It's real, Shondra.

This whole thing is real!

Stop moving.

Hey, who doing all that popping up--

Oh, God.

Hey, what the hell?

Hey, what up, cuz?

Hey, Tec! My road dog, yeah.

Just the man I wanted to see.

You know Shondra.

Hey, what's going on, Shondra?

Tec, I swear, it is not what it looks like.

Don't you lie to me.

That was always my line to you,

and it always was what it looked like.

Now, what's going on with your boyfriend, here?

Hey, yo, dog,

I'd love to kick it with you and run this whole thizang,

but I got a little business back in the 'Bu,

you know, a little something with Dre-Dre,

so if you don't mind--

I do mind!

Wait, Tec, let me explain.

Because I don't belong here.

What?

You done forgot already, fool?

I done told you.

There's only one way out of the I-9,

and your E-ticket's in this here chamber.

There it is.

Did you see how committed he was? Yeah.

That's the rage I was talking about.

Tec, please don't be hating.

I won't let you do it, Tec.

Fine. Then I'll just do the both of you, then.

Damn, fool! You just hit my house!

Brad?

Pops?

It's Mr. Gluckman.

Brad, you okay?

Not really, and unless you seriously strapped,

you about to not really be okay too.

Hi, guys. Bill Gluckman.

Running for governor.

We know who you are, fool.

This dude think we ign'ant

just cause we live down here.

Mm-hmm.

You better recognize.

Well... I recognize.

You know, I recognize that street violence

is tearing Californians apart,

and, fellas, California is my family.

Oh, and here's a thought.

Now, instead of thinking of ourselves

as what set we're from,

what crew you're rolling with,

why can't we just be brothers?

What do you say?

Hmm...

I guess I never thought of it like that before.

You see that?

Please.

What do we say, brothers?

Get your ass out of here.

[CAR APPROACHING]

Don't anybody know where the goddamn driveway is?

Hadji?

Y'all better step, or I'm a have to waste y'all up in this piece.

Yeah, drop your gats!

No, drop your gats!

Hold up, y'all!

Before anybody ices anybody, I got something to say.

You really weren't gonna pay my ransom?

Oh, I didn't know anything about that.

You've got to believe me.

That was not part of the plan.

What was the plan?

Send me down here to scare me white?

I know, it was stupid. Look, I thought I'd tried everything,

I didn't know how to deal with you anymore.

You didn't know how to deal with me

because you don't know me,

and you never cared to find out.

Listen, I made a lot of mistakes.

I know that. I'm not proud of myself.

I wasn't there for you.

I can't change that, but I always loved you...

and I still do,

and if you say that this is who you really are...

I believe you,

and I... I accept you,

and from here on in...

I promise to be a real father to you.

Well, talk is cheap. Prove it.

Well, I'm here, ain't I?

A'ight, Pops.

We cool.

Much love.

I wish I could talk to my pops like that.

No doubt.

I'm gonna call that nigger right now.

Man, would you get

your emotional gangsta ass together?

We got business to handle.

Let's smoke these fools!

Uh, Tec, um, before we all smoke each other,

can I say one little more thing?

What you got to say this time?

Kick it freestyle, Moch.

[BEATBOXING]

♪ What, what, what ♪

♪ Yo, I said what's up With all this fightin' ♪

♪ We should be unitin' ♪

♪ Egos need deflatin' Gangstas, please quit hatin' ♪

Stop. Stop.

♪ We cut the coop ♪

♪ Sometimes I get backed up I gotta poo-- ♪

Stop it!

You say one more line, and I'm a have to smoke myself!

A'ight, but all these gats got to go.

I'm serious, Tec.

Ain't no more gats.

B-Rad's right, all this hating is whack.

Run!

You're not listening. You're really not listening to me.

If this ain't rebuilt by the time Moms get back,

it's on you.

You gonna get the punishment.

Oh, you gonna laugh at me.

You gonna play me?

You know who you playing?

I have two witnesses

who were at the scene of the explosion.

Gentlemen, can you tell us what happened?

Oh, yeah, it was crazy, yo.

All these crazy fools came over here

strapped with their nines, right?

and I was just, like, telling the brothers,

"Let's talk about this, right? Let's talk this out.

"Can't we all just get along?

Let's find our common ground."

I was trying to keep the peace.

Really, the explosion was just a metaphor.

A metaphor for anger

within our hearts.

Because the white man--

Okay, thank you, Bloodbath and Tree.

All this mayhem is rumored to have been caused

by the mysterious White Kong who is still at large.

This is Soon-Yee Baxter Hernandez

reporting from South Central.

Aah!

Sorry, sir.

Damn.

You all right?

You mean, besides the fact that I just been harpooned?

Yeah. No.

I'm-- I'm confused.

About what?

I don't know what was real and what wasn't.

Well, I definitely could use a little bit more

of that reality.

Mm. Mm-mm.

Mm-mm. Uh-uh.

What's up?

I thought the kitchen was open for business?

It is open,

but you don't put your hands in a sister's hair.

Damn, fool.

My bad.

Here you go, boo.

All right, here we go.

Shondra's Salon is now officially open for business.

The chickens be out the coop.

Enjoy, ladies.

Damn.

She got in a fight with a hair dryer.

And the hair dryer won.

Hold up, girl.

I just wanna thank you.

You the only person

that accepted me for who I really am.

I appreciate that.

You also kidnapped me, carjacked me,

and tried to scare me white.

I'm gonna let that one go.

Come here, boo.

Come on.

Ooh! My own little White Kong.

That's right. White Kong.

["PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC" PLAYING]

It's official. Bill Gluckman is California's next governor.

Let's go live now to the big celebration.

Here he is, right here, y'all.

The man of the hour!

Bill Gluckman, y'all!

Go Gluck yourself!

♪ Play that funky music White boy ♪

♪ Lay down the groove ♪

♪ And play That funky music till you die ♪

Great. We're gonna take it to a whole new level.

He became Black Superhero.

♪ Dun-dun-dun! ♪

WHISPERING: Hello.

Aah! [BEEP] What's that?

Yeah, you got something to represent?

You got something for your--

Yeah, you got something to prove to yourself?

Is--

Come on, Taye, don't laugh mother-[BEEP]!

Ain't he down?

Yeah, Bloodbath. Yeah, you down, fool.

You, you down, down, fool.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you that weak [BEEP] from the club!

Oh, you think I'm playing with you?

Yeah, I think you playing. Open the door!

Hey, yo, dog, you know I'd love to stick it with you...

Hey, yo, dog, I'd love to kick it with you...

You think I'm cute?

Look at me, man.

Look at me, black.

Bitch ass...

Hey, yo, dog, I'd like to kick it with you...

Hey, yo, dog, I'd love to kick it with you and...

Hey, yo, dog, I'd love to kick it with you

and run this whole thizzang,

but I got a little businesses back in the 'Bu.

Hey! Ah! Oh...

Cut.

What the [BEEP] is that?

Come on.

Yo, you got something to prove to yourself? Yo--

Say it, don't spray it, mother-[BEEP].

Okay.

[BEATBOXING]

♪ Coming from Malibu B-Rad is a Jew ♪

♪ But I like him anyhoo Because that's how they do ♪

♪ Up in his ish ♪

♪ You know They keep it real-- ♪

[HOOTING]

Beyotch! Again!

Beyotch! Again.

Beyotch! Gimme it!

[LAUGHTER]

Yo, y'all, this fine diamond's hooking me up with Dr. Dre,

Master P, P Diddy,

Jay-Z,

Big Boy hisself!

Mali-bootay, huh?

Pull.

That's what I call blowing up for your ass.

♪ Girls, girls, girls ♪

B-RAD: Eh, yeah.

There's my homies right there,

we talkin' 'bout how we gonna get some girls.

Hey, I like that little Filipino one right there.

You know what I'm sayin'? Yeah.

She got front, back, and side to side.

♪ Man, it's 100 degrees outside ♪

♪ But I don't give a f--- Tryin' to find a freak ♪

♪ With a big ol' butt Cute and thick ♪

♪ Rich and mixed Full of chips ♪

♪ Ass and lips Finger tips and hips ♪

♪ Fat little thang hangin' At the ocean ♪

♪ Malibu style Pacific coastin' ♪

♪ Waitin' on a pimp In the cell lean ♪

♪ In the gang bangin' -- Just bell lean ♪

♪ Do dat, wit' dat, wit' 'em ♪

♪ Set 'em, sit 'em and tell 'em I'll be right wit' 'em ♪

♪ Whackin' 'em, smackin' 'em White or black ♪

♪ At the back of 'em Man it's spectacular ♪

♪ Treatin' 'em Never misleadin' 'em ♪

♪ Thinkin' 'em, poppin' 'em Stoppin' 'em, beatin' 'em ♪

♪ Meetin' 'em, greetin' 'em ♪

♪ My other little freaks Are so executive ♪

♪ Grew up with a gang of ---- Which ya'll never did ♪

♪ Neither did my homeboy E. ♪

♪ So watch how The game goin' see ♪

♪ We goin' watch the girls Take their pearls ♪

♪ And now we sittin' On top of the world ♪

♪ Comin' from a house That's haunted ♪

♪ With extras on it And now we mother------ ♪

♪ Malibu's most wanted ♪

♪ Skinny as ---- With a tank top on ♪

♪ If I come correct I'm a take some home ♪

♪ It's been a while since I hit the the water ♪

♪ Where the women hang out Till the early morn' ♪

♪ And I can see the sun set It's been mackin' all day ♪

♪ But we ain't done yet ♪

♪ Hop in the picnic Poppin' the thick ♪

♪ Stop in the parkin' lot To hit the dip stick ♪

♪ Women almost neckin' ♪

♪ So I post up On the car like Tek ♪

♪ Breakin' their neck Starin' at her ---

♪ Steady lookin' back ♪

♪ Way to get away I been workin' all week ♪

♪ Now it's time to play ♪

♪ So light the blunt up And crack a six-pack ♪

♪ And have a seat at the beach And kick back ♪

♪ Girls, all we really want Is girls ♪

♪ Yeah, we all just want Some girls ♪

♪ All we really want Is girls ♪

♪ Malibu ♪

♪ Much stronger that Malibu I'm just pumping ♪

♪ This gangster groove ♪

♪ Gangster funk got me In the mood ♪

♪ Malibu ♪

♪ Rollin' down the PCH Highway It's my way ♪

♪ You know how we do it Yo, I got the fly away ♪

♪ Tents on the beach You all be out of reach ♪

♪ Comin' out here Tryin' to suck on me ♪

♪ Like you's a leech But listen ♪

♪ Yo, I'm about to christen These new rhymes you hear ♪

♪ On your dome piece ♪

♪ Comin' out my eye balls Screamin' at you ♪

♪ Runnin' up thing here In the ML-bu ♪

♪ Much stronger than Malibu ♪

♪ I'm just bumpin' This gangster groove ♪

♪ Gangster funk got me In the mood ♪

♪ Where you from fool? Malibu ♪

B-RAD: Eh, yeah, wassup This is B-Rad G

Malibu, you know what I'm sayin'?

I'm kicking it with Ghetto Retro,

you know what I'm saying, from the Oaktown.

This is Oaktown, kicking it with Malibu,

you know what I'm saying? The 310 with the...

Eh, yo, what's the area code, ya'll?

The 510. The 510 and the 310. Because here we go.

[♪♪]