Original subtitles

- Here's the ointment, frank.

- Oh, thanks.

- Hi. - Hi.

Yeah, dad, that's to go.

- All right, all right, all right.

- Eww, you're all wet. What happened to you?

- Yeah, I was in the giants' locker room.

I ended up in the shower with joe taggart.

Doing interviews.

But listen to this-- it's after practice, right?

And--and everyone's pretty much cleared out.

And I hear the shower still going, so I look in.

- What are you looking in for?

- Nothing.

Shower's still going. It's a waste of water.

Anyway, it's joe taggart,

And he's sitting on the floor with his head down,

And the water's going on him,

And you know what he says to me?

- Do my back?

- He tells me he just found out that

His favorite receiver, ricky freeman,

Who also happens to be his best friend,

Has been with his wife.

- No.

- Women.

- Oh, so you automatically blame the woman?

- She's cheating on her husband.

- Well, what about the friend?

He has no responsibility?

- Well, let me tell you something.

God programmed man to sow his seed where he may.

He programmed women to limit the crop to one farmer.

This broad didn't get with the program.

- Well, maybe she was unhappy. Did you ever think of that?

- He told me that everything seemed fine.

- Well, maybe he was out of touch with her feelings.

- Well, maybe he had a lot on his mind.

- Well, maybe she needed somebody to talk to.

- Maybe all her talking was complaining.

- Well, maybe he was on the road a lot.

- Maybe he had to make a living.

- Maybe all he did when he was home

Is sit on the couch and watch tv.

- When are you going to learn, ray?

You can't talk sports with the wife.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Fake skin.

What's today, Thursday?

- Yeah.

- You want something?

- No, no, I just wanted to return this ointment.

- Oh, yeah. How'd that work out for you?

- Good. Good.

You didn't come down here to show me, did you?

- No, no, no, no.

You know, I was talking to garvin and stan,

And they read your column,

And they were going on about how much they liked it.

- Oh, yeah? Oh. Well, tell them I said thanks.

- Well, me too.

I mean, I thought it was good too.

You're a good writer.

I ever tell you that?

- No.

- You're a good writer.

- Well, thanks.

- So what you working on there today?

- Uh, nothing.

Just something on ken griffey jr.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

Yeah, he's been in a slump,

So he called his father to help him with his swing.

Did you know that he does that?

- Oh, yeah?

Well, that's a good father.

Hey, hey, you remember how I took you

To the playground there at the school

And I hit fly balls to you?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I remember that day.

- Yeah, I liked that.

Me and you should do that again sometime.

- That is weird.

- It was.

It's like he was trying to be...

A father or something.

I don't know.

Last couple of days, he's been all...

Pleasant.

- Pleasant.

Was he feverish?

- Remember that construction worker

In "ripley's believe it or not,"

The--the guy who got the metal rod stuck in his brain?

You know, he lived, but his personality changed.

- Let me guess. He was suddenly more irritable.

- Yes.

Yes, but with my father, it's the exact opposite.

All of a sudden, he's nice.

It's...Weird.

At first, it seemed fake, you know, but then...

I don't know, we were talking,

And he was listening.

Yeah.

It was...Nice.

I don't know. Kind of liked it.

- You know what I think it might be?

Your father's getting older,

And this is how he's trying to connect.

I mean, frank's not the kind of guy

That would change if you told him to,

But maybe he's come around to it by himself.

- Or there's a rod in there somewhere.

- Ma, I do my own shopping now.

I don't need all this.

- I saw your refrigerator in that apartment.

All right, now, this is beef stroganoff,

And you eat it with the noodles.

Ooh, and I got your favorite,

Steak and macaroni and ham and cheese alfredo.

- All right, ma.

Well, I appreciate it.

You know, with my schedule,

It's hard to eat healthy.

Oh, baby.

- No. N-no, no, robbie. No.

That's not for you. Chicken is for raymond.

- Of course.

Raymond gets the chicken.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Is dad around?

- No. You just missed him.

He's on his way to the barber shop.

- Barber?

Why doesn't he just go down to the bowling alley

And stick his head in the ball buffer?

[laughter]

- Come on, man.

That's a little rough.

- What?

- Listen, listen,

Has--has dad been acting different lately?

- You know, now that you mention it,

He has been in a very good mood.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

And I noticed he hasn't been quite so cheap.

Like today, he's not only getting a haircut,

He's also getting a shave.

- Ah, I think if you're charging dad for a haircut,

You'd throw in the shave.

- I don't know, lately dad's been acting different to me,

You know, like...Nicer.

- Yeah? Typical.

- So--so he hasn't been acting nicer to you?

- Surprising, isn't it, ray? Huh?

- Robbie...

Chicken doesn't go there.

Come on, give me that.

Come on.

And it's not for you.

It's for raymond.

- I'm good.

[doorbell rings]

- Ooh. Raymond, would you get that for me, please, hon?

- Yeah.

- Give me that.

- Raymond said I could have it.

You'd rather throw it in the garbage than give it to me?

- It's the only way you'll learn.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey, stan. Hey, garvin.

- Hey, ray's here!

[cackles]

- [mimicking] ha ha ha!

- Hi, ray.

We got the money we owe your old man.

- Frank!

- He's not here. He's not here.

He went to the barber shop.

He's getting a haircut and a shave.

- Well, how do you like that?

Diamond jim brady's getting a shave too.

I guess we're paying for that shave.

- Hey, ain't tonight your poker night?

Why don't you just give it to him then?

- I'm not gambling with him anymore.

- Me neither.

I never seen a guy on such a hot streak.

- It's not natural.

It's supernatural.

- You know why?

'cause he's a witch. That's what he is, a witch.

- Not a witch, a warlock.

- Nobody says warlock anymore. They're all witches.

- Okay, guys.

- You're telling me he's a male witch?

- You don't say male witch. It's like male nurse.

Nowadays, they're all just nurses.

- I'll see that he gets that.

- Then I say he's a witch doctor.

I swear, ray, he put some kind of voodoo curse

On joe taggart last week.

- Yeah, he kept saying he had this feeling

That joe taggart was off his game.

- Wait a minute; I thought you were talking about poker.

- No, no. We've been betting sports.

- Yeah, yesterday your father takes seattle over the yanks,

And would you believe,

Griffey breaks out of his slump

And knocks in a couple of homers.

- How could he know about griffey?

Come on, garvin,

Let's catch up to him at the barber shop.

- Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You know what? I'll see that he gets that.

- That's all right. We'll do it.

- No, if you don't mind,

I'd really like to give it to him.

- Fine with me.

- He's not a gracious winner, your father.

You know what he is?

He's a witch who made a pact with the devil.

- He didn't make a pact with the devil.

He is the devil.

Satan! Beelzebub!

This house should have 666!

Hey, nice to see you, ray.

Say hi to your mom.

- Ah, I feel like I'm back in the womb.

- 15 years you been coming to me, frank.

How come you finally sprung for a shave?

- Times are good, sal. Times are good.

- Hey, dad.

- Hey, ray.

Sal, this is my son ray.

- A son?

15 years, you never told me you had a son.

- I got two.

This one's a sportswriter, a great sportswriter.

- Aw, come on, dad.

- Ah, don't be modest.

He's one of the best.

You ever hear of ray barone?

- Ray barone?

You're ray barone's father?

15 years, you never told me your last name.

- I didn't want to bother you.

- Hey, stan and garvin came by,

And they, uh, wanted me to give you this.

- Ah. Thank you.

- Yeah. What'd you, win at poker or something?

- Uh, something like that.

Hey, ray, how about a shave?

- No, uh, I don't think so.

- Hey, I know this is not the kind of highfalutin salon

You usually go to.

- The hair barn?

- Come on. We'll talk.

- Oh, you-- you wanna talk.

All right, great, yeah, let's talk, yeah.

- Yeah, my treat.

- Your treat. Ha.

In that case, give me a perm.

- A shave for my boy, sal.

- Dominic. Customer.

Ah, sit down here, ray.

Yeah, yeah.

See? See, this is nice--

Father and son getting a shave together.

Ah...

My son won't even talk to me.

I don't know, maybe it's that metal bolt

He's got stuck through his tongue.

I mean...

- That's too bad.

A father should be able to talk to his son.

Right, son?

- Right. Right, dad.

We've been having some real good conversations

Lately, haven't we?

- We sure have. - Yeah.

Yeah, they've been enriching.

Have they been enriching for you, dad?

Aah! Oh, my god!

That's hot!

- Hot towel.

- What, you got that, uh, sensitive skin?

- Yeah, it's sensitive to fire.

[whirring]

- So, uh, what are you working on there today, ray?

- Hockey. Hockey. The avalanche.

They're in town to play the rangers.

- Oh, yeah? The rangers don't have a chance.

- Uh, I wouldn't be so sure about that.

- Oh, yeah? Why?

- Well, nobody know-- pfft!

- You moved.

- What, ray? Nobody knows what?

- [sneezes]

Nobody knows about, uh...

Patrick roy.

- The avalanche goalie?

- Yeah, he's out.

Knee problems.

I think the rangers got a pretty good shot.

- Yeah, no kidding?

Uh, thanks, sal.

Thanks.

Ahh, feel like a baby's butt.

- W-what's your hurry, dad?

- I gotta see a guy about a thing.

- I thought we were gonna talk.

- Here you go, buddy, and here...

This is for my favorite son.

[honking noise]

- [chuckles]

- Father and son, it's a sacred thing.

What you two got: Beautiful.

Now, don't move your head.

This is very sharp, honey.

- So your father's just been using you?

- Yep. I'm just a tip sheet to him.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- What are you laughing at?

- I thought dad liked you more.

Welcome home.

- All right, come on, ally, bedtime.

- Daddy, will you tell me a story?

- Yeah. Yeah, here. Jump on.

Ohh!

Once upon a time, there was a little boy

Who had a very mean father.

- Robert, I'm glad you're here.

I think I figured out

Why your father's been acting so differently.

It all adds up.

I mean, the pleasantness and the spending

And the haircut.

He's fooling around.

- Fooling around? Come on.

- I'll tell you something.

If that weasel thinks he can stay with me

And keep some chippy on the side, boy--

- Where's ray?

- Who is it, frank,

Harriet lichtman?

- Ray!

- Oh, sure, sure,

You're just her bridge partner, huh?

You know, that's a wig she wears.

- Ray!

- Hey, keep it down. The kids are in bed.

- Ray! - What?

- Mommy!

- You're killing me, frank.

- Hey, dad.

What, did you come by to have another chat?

- Don't you think you can come crawling back, frank,

'cause lips that touch harriet lichtman

Will never touch mine.

- Quiet, marie.

I go to the lodge tonight,

I turn on the ranger-avalanche game.

It's in overtime.

Guess who's playing goalie for the avalanche!

- Why, I believe that's patrick roy.

- Does anybody care about me?

- Ma, dad's not cheating on you.

He's cheating on ray.

- What?

- You told me he wasn't gonna play tonight!

- Must have got it wrong.

Whoops.

- I got a lot of money on this game.

- Money?

Dad, you wouldn't be betting

With information I gave you, would you?

- You set me up.

- Yes, sir.

- I'm family.

You never go against the family.

- What family? You used me.

Coming around here being all warm and cuddly,

Compliments out the wazoo.

You just wanted inside information

So you could bet guys at the lodge.

- So you're not having an affair with harriet lichtman?

- Was there an offer?

- See, ma...

I told you it was nothing.

- Oh.

You would think I'd be happier.

Come on, robbie.

- Hey, dad if you want, you can use me for stuff,

'cause I wouldn't mind the occasional compliment,

Even if it is from your wazoo.

- Oh, a power play, dad.

Your rangers are in trouble.

You're going down.

- Damn you!

Come on! Center it! Center it!

- Hit him off the puck! - There it is!

Go!

- Shoots, scores!

- Yes! - Rangers win!

- Yes! Yeees!

You see this?

This is proof of god here.

You go against your father,

Thou art smited.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I-I'll...

I'll split the money with you.

Come on, you're not gonna say no to 15 grand.

- 15 grand?

- Okay, 80 bucks.

- Don't talk to me anymore.

- What do you get so mad about?

You know, we had fun, didn't we?

We were hanging out, palling around,

Having conversations.

- Yeah, you know what, dad? I did have fun.

I thought you were talking to me like a real father.

- There you go.

- Good. Good, good. Go.

- Hey, you think I like having to do

The hokey-pokey around you just to get some information?

I mean, if--if you weren't such a boy scout,

I could just come right out and say,

"ray, who do you like in the game tonight?"

And then we'd bet together, and we'd win together.

And then we'd go to one of those restaurants

Where the girls have the tight tops

And bring you the big burgers.

That's the real father-and-son stuff.

- That's real nice, dad,

But you know what I do for a living.

You know I could never bet with you.

- Hence the ruse.

Ahh...

You know, you're out of line

If you think that I was faking

Th-the part about enjoying...

Whatever, you know, you and me...

A-and, uh...

If that's how you feel about the betting stuff,

I won't do it anymore.

Okay?

- What are you doing?

- Uh, how are the kids?

- Yeah. They're good.

- And how do the twins like that new preschool there?

- Yeah. They like it. It's good.

- Good.

Okay.

- What?

- I think that was a good start, don't you?

Let's not push it.

- Yeah, okay.

Maybe we'll do some more tomorrow.

- Let's play it by ear.

- Yeah.

- Hey, dad.

- Hey.

- Listen...

You know the corner

Of hempstead turnpike and uniondale?

- Yeah.

- There's a new speed trap there.

- Good to know.

Ray already told me.

- Come on!

Gah!