Original subtitles

- Will you come on? We're gonna be late.

Every time.

- Coming.

- I can't believe you're gonna miss this game

Just to go to some stupid school parents' night.

- You think I want to?

I just want to go, so I can get back.

- You are some special kind of lady.

- Will you come on?

- Here you go, boys.

- What's that? - Just some snacks.

- Oh, those are your calzones, your homemade calzones.

Aww.

Stupid parent night.

- Relax, raymond. I'll save you some.

And then we'll dance around in fairy land.

- The cheese is burning the inside of your mouth,

Isn't it?

- I don't care.

- Oh, did you do that yourself?

- They're coming.

[dramatic music]

- Hey, can we go? - No, wait a minute. Come here.

I have such great dirt. Come here.

- What?

- You know cheryl kaler?

- No. - We're at her house, ray.

- Oh.

- So she's showing me around upstairs, right?

But she was wearing this tight pink outfit.

So anyway, she says, "well, I had a little work done."

And she says, "yeah, what do you think?"

And she goes like this.

- You're kidding. - No.

Then she shuts the door, and she lifts up her blouse.

- What?

Ohh. Well, where the hell was I?

- So I was just like, I said, "wow."

And she says, "they are so natural.

Go ahead. Touch."

- [gasps]

She wants you.

- I mean, she was, like, acting all proud, you know?

And she tells me the whole story,

She has it done in the morning; she's home in the afternoon.

It was unbelievable.

I'm down here eating bowls of crap, and you get...

You get "come in, tokyo."

- Well, that's your fault.

- This is incredible. Which one is she?

'cause I told your mom we'd be home by 10:00.

- Well, no, no, wait, wait.

- I'll get my purse.

- Come on.

No, I'm an involved parent here.

- Oh, hi...Ray.

- Hi. You must be cheryl.

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Have we met?

- No, no. No, we haven't, no.

Not until right now. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a great party, though. Yeah.

[clears throat] these are good.

- Hey. - Hey, ray, you missed it.

Phenomenal game.

Well, but at least I saved you some calzo--

Aww.

Sorry.

- That's okay. I don't care.

- So how was your party, dear?

But then it turned out to be the best night of my life.

- Come on.

- Tell 'em what you saw.

- Nothing. - Tell 'em.

- One of the mothers in ally's class had breast implants.

- Oh, I don't like that.

- And at the party, she showed 'em to me.

- What? - What do you mean?

- Wait a minute. - She just showed you?

- Both of them? - Shirt on or off?

- With a brassiere? - What were you wearing?

- All valid questions.

- What is the matter with you guys?

Come on. How old are you?

Good grief.

What's the big friggin' deal?

She touched 'em.

- Oh, come on. Come on.

- That's right. That's right.

- See, I expect this from frank,

But you boys have no reason

To have any interest in such things.

- Why not?

- Because I never nursed them.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- Everybody knows that if you breast-feed boys

They're gonna grow up to be obsessed with breasts.

- That's why you didn't breast-feed me?

- That, and the two of you were almost the same height.

We were getting looks.

- Oh, debra, dear,

I'm curious.

What were they like?

- Ugh. They were totally fake.

- Well, well, go on. I mean, they weren't fake.

They were real. They do exist, you know.

If they fell down in a forest,

They'd make a sound.

- Well, I think it's sad when people start having surgery

To make themselves bigger.

- Marie did it the natural way.

Pound cake.

I think a boob job is a totally stupid procedure.

- But fantastic when done properly.

- [laughing]

Ohh. Whoo, boy.

I didn't think that was gonna happen

After that look you gave me downstairs.

- Well, a rule is a rule.

You know, you're going on the road for a week.

You got to get the proper send-off.

- Nothing proper about what you just did, young lady.

- Mmm...

So, ray...

You don't think I need a boob job, do you?

- No.

Not if you think it's stupid.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- What? Nothing.

- Really?

- Hey, you know I like them.

- Yeah. Okay, ray, okay.

- Come on. - All right.

- You know I love barnes & noble.

Come on.

Come on. - It's fine, ray.

It's just fine.

- I love them.

- Yeah. Don't worry about it.

- I always loved them. - Don't worry about it.

- Hey, I'll write 'em a poem. - No, thank you.

No, thank you.

- I think that I shall never see--

- Okay, yes. Thanks. Forget it.

- Don't get mad. I didn't mean anything by that.

I say a lot of stuff. You shouldn't listen to me.

Usually, you don't.

- I know. Forget it. Forget it.

It's stupid. Forget it.

Good night.

- All right, good night.

- Hey, nickel, I'm back.

Deb.

- Yeah, hi, honey. I'll be down in a minute.

- Okay.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey. Saw you pull up.

- What's up?

- Aw, nothin' much. How was your trip?

- Yeah, fine.

- Yeah. Good flight?

- Yeah.

- How was the, uh...

The weather there?

- All right, what game is on?

- Seattle, tampa bay. Dad's giving me 7 1/2.

- When are one of you guys gonna get

Your own satellite dish?

- Shut up.

- Sorry that took so long.

Oh.

Hi, guys.

It's just that geoffrey was having

That humpty-dumpty dream again--

You know, all the king's horses and all the king's men

Couldn't put dada-da-dada-da-da, you know.

He just has a real hard time with that one.

I think that's why he won't eat eggs, so...

How was your trip?

What?

- Nothing, nothing.

New haircut?

- No. I am using a new conditioner, though.

- Looks nice.

Adds body.

- Look, debra and I got to talk, okay?

So go away.

- No.

- Come on, look, I just got home,

And I'm awfully tired here, okay?

- We're watching the game.

- Raymond, dear, ohh...

Ooh, you must be famished from your trip,

So I brought you some ravio...Li.

I--I'll just go warm this up.

- I'll take it, ma. Thanks.

- You know, dear, I'm thinking

Maybe you use the wrong setting on your dryer.

- Look, all right.

Listen, guys, I'm really tired.

I'm tired here, and debra and I,

We got a lot of catching up to do,

So if you'd all be so kind as to leave now,

I'll give you each $1,000.

- No. - Oh, come on. Come on.

Come on. Oh, frank.

Stop it. Come on, stop it.

Come on. Come on.

This is none of our business.

- Raymond gets everything.

- I kind of wanted you to be the first one to see.

What do you think?

- I think...

I don't believe it.

You didn't really...

I was gone a week.

- You like 'em?

- I--I--I...

Let me see.

- No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, not here.

Do you want to go upstairs?

- Do I?

- I think you do.

- I think I do. - Okay.

I'm just gonna brush my teeth.

- I'm going upstairs.

Well, how's it going in there?

- I'll be right out.

[gargling]

[spits]

- Okay.

[sniffs]

How you doin'?

- Fine.

You know, it's not really polite to stare, ray.

- Sorry. It's just..

What did you do?

- I, uh, made some improvements,

Don't you think?

- Really?

You...Really?

I--I... This is just...

You know...

One time, I went on the road, and I came back;

You had the driveway sealed.

I got a little turned on when I saw that.

But this is...

Better.

- It is better...

'cause you couldn't use the driveway

For a couple of days.

- Heh-heh-heh.

Oh, my god.

- So you're okay with this.

- Okay?

- I mean, it doesn't bother you that I look different?

- Hey, look, if it doesn't bother you,

Then who am I to say, really?

Whatever--what you do with your body,

And I think that you made two excellent choices.

- You're happy, right?

- I just... I love you so much.

- Ah-ah-ah-ah.

- What? Oh. Are they still tender?

'cause I can be gentle.

- Okay.

- Oh...You want to show 'em to me.

- You might want to back up.

- Heh, you might want to back up.

- Idiot.

- Socks? - You are a jerk.

- You're really disappointed now, aren't you?

- I'm not...Disappointed. I'm scared.

That I was gonna have plastic surgery for you?

- Yeah--well, what do you--no.

- I did not. You just wanted me to so badly.

- What? When did I say that?

- The night of the parents thing.

And you said, "not if you think it's stupid."

- Okay, so what's wrong with that?

- "not if you think it's stupid"?

That means you don't think it's stupid.

And you just said, "two excellent choices."

- I thought that you had surgery.

I thought I was being supportive, that's all.

What, do you want to come back from surgery

And have me go, "ehhhh"?

- What you should've said was,

"I love your body the way it is,

And you shouldn't change it ever."

- I do love your body the way it is.

All I had to do is stuff a couple of socks in there,

And you're hyperventilating.

- That's entrapment. - It is not.

- Yes, of course it is.

You're walking around like...

- Oh, I didn't do that. I didn't do that.

- Oh, then what did you do? What did you do?

Seems like you went to a lot of trouble

Just to get me to say that I like breasts.

- Big breasts.

- Yeah.

Yeah, okay, and a nice butt too. Huh?

I'm sick.

Is when I say I don't like those things.

- You are obsessed with those things.

- And all those times you say, "hey, you look great,"

- Oh, come on. I mean it when I say that.

All right, sometimes I mean, "hurry up; we're late."

But usually, I mean you look great.

- Right, right. - It's true.

- Oh, god, I am so sick of this juvenile preoccupation

With boob size and perkiness and cleavage and...

I've had three kids, you know?

These are not just for show.

These were working breasts.

- Come on, honey.

Aw, come on.

You say that like they're retired.

They're still useful.

They can do some occasional consulting work.

- Forget it.

I know what you're really like now.

- Oh...

I really like you.

- I just don't know why looks are so important.

I don't care how you look.

- What does that mean?

- Nothing. - No, no, wait a minute.

I mean, you always used to say that,

"oh, you're so cute."

I'm still cute, right?

- Ray, your being cute has nothing to do

With your appearance.

- Then what the hell is it?

- Oh, nothing. I just meant, you know,

I don't care if you've gone, like, soft in the middle

Or your hairline's receding

And you have this concave ass.

Cute is just who you are.

- Concave?

Hey, you know, these jeans are relaxed-fit.

If they were regular, my ass would come alive.

- I don't need it alive.

I'm fine with the way you look.

- No, you're not.

- Ray, I happen to love you for you.

- I don't care about that. I want to be a hottie.

- So did I.

- Yeah, well...

You're a hottie even without...The socks.

- Ohh.

Oh, you said I didn't need socks.

- All right.

I like you and your breasts.

- And I like you and your breasts.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. What did you say "breasts" for?

- Yeah, well, you have breasts. I don't have breasts.

- Pecs. I meant to say pecs.

- I know what you said, and I know what you meant.

You meant my sagging breasts.

I've had three kids too, you know.

- You want my socks?

- It's not what it looks like.

I saw a mouse.