Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

What would you do if civilisation came to an end?

What would you do if civilisation came to an end?

What would you do if civilisation came to an end?

Hello?!

In a radical experiment...

Is anybody there?

..two groups of ordinary men and women...

..two groups of ordinary men and women...

I can't believe that we're doing this.

HOLLERS

..are attempting to survive for 28 days

..are attempting to survive for 28 days

in an abandoned American town

in an abandoned American town

used to train the military in urban warfare.

used to train the military in urban warfare.

Good morning, Vietnam.

How will they cope in a battle for scarce resources?

How will they cope in a battle for scarce resources?

It's been ransacked.

Oh, my God. That's war.

The cover of the wall! Wargh!

Oh! You OK?

Can they rebuild society from scratch...

Can they rebuild society from scratch...

No light, no food, no phone, no nothing.

No light, no food, no phone, no nothing.

That's it. We're desperate.

That's it. We're desperate.

..and make it through the apocalypse?

..and make it through the apocalypse?

Help!

SCREAMS

SCREAMS

Is that a goat? BLEATING

We found two goats.

What?! Goats could sustain us for a very long time.

What?! Goats could sustain us for a very long time.

If you take, you die.

I'm hungry!

Everyone's tired, starving and pissed off.

Everyone's tired, starving and pissed off.

Hello? There's a new girl.I'm Alix.

Hello? There's a new girl.I'm Alix.

Hopefully I can prove my worth.

Hopefully I can prove my worth.

Look. Stop! Look, look. GASPS

There's two. Goats!

The door! GOAT BLEATS

You bossed that, Alix.

Where's our sign? They've taken them.

What the...? No! That's war.

Do you want this? Yeah.

Because I'll smash up the Eastside.

You crossed the line with me.

They've taken our goats.

Ugh... I'm fuming. Fuming.

Ugh... I'm fuming. Fuming.

Westsiders Celia and Kelly are returning home

Westsiders Celia and Kelly are returning home

after discovering a devastating theft.

after discovering a devastating theft.

I said, "Why don't we move..." You did.

"..the goats near us, so they're ours." So it's ours.

"..the goats near us, so they're ours." So it's ours.

Oh, no. No.

I'm really, really pissed off.

I'm really, really pissed off.

That's food to survive.

To live, to eat.

Now that has gone out the window until we find them.

Now that has gone out the window until we find them.

It turned out the way I warned it was going to turn out.

It turned out the way I warned it was going to turn out.

These boys are a joke.

I warned them. I said, "You can't trust the Eastside."

I warned them. I said, "You can't trust the Eastside."

And we're hungry.

We haven't eaten any substantial food since we got here.

We haven't eaten any substantial food since we got here.

You're all trying to survive.

You should be more... You should be more savvy.

You should be more... You should be more savvy.

It's like living with children in the house.

It's like living with children in the house.

You live with four men, it's like living with children.

You live with four men, it's like living with children.

God help them to get back the goat.

Because if they don't, all hell is going to let loose.

Because if they don't, all hell is going to let loose.

Now we'll see what kind of balls the boys have. Yeah.

Now we'll see what kind of balls the boys have. Yeah.

Come here.

We've got a goat.

LAUGHTER

Ah, yes! CHEERING

Ah, yes! CHEERING

I've got a goat!

I've got a goat!

On the Eastside...

Women in power!

..newcomer Alix and her raiding party

..newcomer Alix and her raiding party

are coming home with their stolen spoils.

are coming home with their stolen spoils.

We've been flagging.

But now that I have the goats,

I'm feeling really strong in the woman power.

I'm feeling really strong in the woman power.

I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm saying that -

I brought home the bacon.

The other side's going to be pissed.

The other side's going to be pissed.

They will be straight round our house.

They will be straight round our house.

We did what any good citizen would do and we stole the goats.

We did what any good citizen would do and we stole the goats.

Nearly there. Come on.

Good girl.

Oh, it's the others.

It's the... It's the others?

Hello. Hello.

Unaware their goats have been taken,

Unaware their goats have been taken,

West Siders Ioan and Dean are passing by the Eastside School HQ,

West Siders Ioan and Dean are passing by the Eastside School HQ,

West Siders Ioan and Dean are passing by the Eastside School HQ,

where Steven is on guard to prevent a repeat of the Spam raid.

where Steven is on guard to prevent a repeat of the Spam raid.

where Steven is on guard to prevent a repeat of the Spam raid.

How are you? Not too bad, not too bad.

How are you? Not too bad, not too bad.

You stole from us once. You trying to steal from us again?

You stole from us once. You trying to steal from us again?

Err... I gave it back!

Our trust's over. You two stole from me.

Let's just get them in there.

Oh, shit! Shit, shit.

Back up, back up, back up. Back up. Fuck! Erm...

Back up, back up, back up. Back up. Fuck! Erm...

They're right there. Sh.

GOAT BLEATS No! Shut up, man.

GOAT BLEATS No! Shut up, man.

They're talking to Stevie out the front.

GOAT WAILS

Please be quiet. We're gonna get caught.

Please be quiet. We're gonna get caught.

Put him in here.

Oh, my God, guys, that was so lucky.

Oh, my God, guys, that was so lucky.

Lucky I was charging ahead.

I was about to scream, "Steve, look what we've got!"

I was about to scream, "Steve, look what we've got!"

And then I saw the other team. Oh, my God.

And then I saw the other team. Oh, my God.

WHISTLE

You all right? Yeah, there's noises at the other end of the building.

You all right? Yeah, there's noises at the other end of the building.

Just stand right in the middle, girl.

I am, I am. I'm just letting you know.

I am, I am. I'm just letting you know.

It won't be one of yours? It's only us two, come for a wander.

It won't be one of yours? It's only us two, come for a wander.

I don't trust you as far as I could throw you. All right.

I don't trust you as far as I could throw you. All right.

Thank you. No worries. Ta-ra.

Thank you. No worries. Ta-ra.

I'm watching you guys. Have a nice day. I'll see you.

I'm watching you guys. Have a nice day. I'll see you.

Have they gone? Yeah, they've gone.

Stevie...

..we've got two goats.

You've got what?! We've got two goats.

You've got what?! We've got two goats.

No! Shut up! Sh.

They're there. And they just saw you. Literally.

They're both looking in at that point.

Nyah-nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyaaah!

THEY CHANT:We've got your goats! We've got your goats!

THEY CHANT:We've got your goats! We've got your goats!

You're a bunch of knobs! LAUGHTER

You're a bunch of knobs! LAUGHTER

Alix, smashed it, mate.

Growing up related to the late Queen,

Growing up related to the late Queen,

I mean, it's amazing, but, yeah,

I don't want to, like, go into somewhere and be like,

I don't want to, like, go into somewhere and be like,

"Oh, do you know who I am?"

I am so used to people calling me the posh girl,

I am so used to people calling me the posh girl,

I am so used to people calling me the posh girl,

but there's a side to me that wants to prove I am down to earth.

but there's a side to me that wants to prove I am down to earth.

They are going to come up here tonight.

They are going to come up here tonight.

We'll just barricade the door.

I think so. Yeah.

Just a weird thought.

Could we just say Alix turned up on our front doorstep

Could we just say Alix turned up on our front doorstep

with these goats? STEVEN GASPS

with these goats? STEVEN GASPS

She found them.I love it. She got dropped.

She found them.I love it. She got dropped.

She doesn't have an alliance with anyone.

She's a lone wolf.

No, no, you're part of a team, girl.

I am. Originally.

I am. Originally.

But now the alliance isn't off because,

"Oh, we had no idea."Aha!

"Oh, we had no idea."Aha!

On first impressions, I do look like I'm probably vapid.

On first impressions, I do look like I'm probably vapid.

She said, "We'll give you two goats," and we brought you in.

She said, "We'll give you two goats," and we brought you in.

I'll be like, "Oh, sorry! I just saw these goats in a field."

I'll be like, "Oh, sorry! I just saw these goats in a field."

I like to be underestimated

because then I can kind of use it to my advantage.

because then I can kind of use it to my advantage.

Act a bit innocent, you know, a bit damsel in distress.

Act a bit innocent, you know, a bit damsel in distress.

But really, I'm just, like, lapping up the benefits.

But really, I'm just, like, lapping up the benefits.

I can get away with murder.

This is how we're going to use Alix.

Now that's what we call using our assets.

And that is what we call using our brains.

And that is what we call using our brains.

Yes. Ooh-la ooh!

Yes. Ooh-la ooh!

OK. We're still happy, but they can still break in.

That's why we barricade. Let's barricade.

Oh, lovely. They've both christened the place already.

Oh, lovely. They've both christened the place already.

If the other group come over accusing us of taking the goats,

If the other group come over accusing us of taking the goats,

If the other group come over accusing us of taking the goats,

deny, deny, deny, deny, deny.

deny, deny, deny, deny, deny.

Sleep well, little goats.

Sleep well, little goats.

Heavy? That's it.

A fabulous dismount for Mr McKell.

A fabulous dismount for Mr McKell.

He's going to get the gold medal and the belly-snapping wood competition.

He's going to get the gold medal and the belly-snapping wood competition.

Huh! WOOD CRACKS

Setting a few traps. They're not taking those goats.

Setting a few traps. They're not taking those goats.

Man's got to eat.

We've got this truce at the moment with the West.

We've got this truce at the moment with the West.

There was a sign up saying "This means war" if we took 'em.

There was a sign up saying "This means war" if we took 'em.

Fucking ours now!

I just don't think they've got that much to give.

I just don't think they've got that much to give.

They haven't got anything to trade with us yet.

I think they're gonna need us sooner than we need them.

I think they're gonna need us sooner than we need them.

I think they're gonna need us sooner than we need them.

Mm-hm. And then if they need something,

tell them to fuck off.

"Oh, come on, we're starving. Share some of your goat with us."

"Oh, come on, we're starving. Share some of your goat with us."

No!

Let 'em starve!

Still oblivious that their goats are gone...

Still oblivious that their goats are gone...

SINGS TO THE TUNE OF POSTMAN PAT # Ioan and Dean, Ioan and Dean

SINGS TO THE TUNE OF POSTMAN PAT # Ioan and Dean, Ioan and Dean

# Ioan and Dean, the fisherman team... #

# Ioan and Dean, the fisherman team... #

..the pair are heading off in search of other food sources.

..the pair are heading off in search of other food sources.

# As the day is dawning

# About to catch all the fish that we can. #

# About to catch all the fish that we can. #

It's pretty, man.

Yoosh!

Fun.

Awesome.

Look, look, look, there's something pulling the float.

Look, look, look, there's something pulling the float.

Ooh! Fishy!

Ooh! Fishy!

Instantly! A fishy on the hook!

Instantly! A fishy on the hook!

Oh, that is a tiddler.

Hello, tiddler!

I feel pretty damn good.

Oh!

Yoo. Yeah, boy.

Yoo. Yeah, boy.

We're going to cook 'em tonight.

Big pot, big fish stock.

Big pot, big fish stock.

While you're doing that,

I'm gonna go downstream a little bit and wash myself.

I'm gonna go downstream a little bit and wash myself.

Woo.

Ah. Got my little syringe of soap.

Ah. Got my little syringe of soap.

SQUEALS

Probably the longest I've gone without a wash.

Probably the longest I've gone without a wash.

I'm six foot three. I'm quite a big bloke.

I'm six foot three. I'm quite a big bloke.

But I am the biggest pussycat you will ever meet.

But I am the biggest pussycat you will ever meet.

Aah.

I kind of put myself as a bit of a people person.

I kind of put myself as a bit of a people person.

Well, I try to be.

I think I just try and please everyone.

Everyone wants to be a popular kid, don't they?

Everyone wants to be a popular kid, don't they?

And I think it slowly passes on into adulthood.

And I think it slowly passes on into adulthood.

I think it's a nice feeling, isn't it,

for your body and your mind, to be liked.

for your body and your mind, to be liked.

I'd like to think that everyone loves me.

I'd like to think that everyone loves me.

The primitive living conditions

are proving more of a struggle for the Eastsiders.

are proving more of a struggle for the Eastsiders.

..at my disposal to have a wash.

..at my disposal to have a wash.

Mind you, this is my second wash since being here.

Mind you, this is my second wash since being here.

First proper wash.

It's vile. It's pond water.

It's vile. It's pond water.

I feel like a dirty pig.

There's a god awful odour.

Everyone just stinks.

I really can't live being dirty and being unclean.

I really can't live being dirty and being unclean.

I'm mingin', man. I'm mingin'.

There's a shower head.

Keen to address their personal hygiene,

Keen to address their personal hygiene,

Bertie plans to build a heated outdoor shower

Bertie plans to build a heated outdoor shower

with the help of Steven and Alix...

..using a tub full of rainwater and gravity.

..using a tub full of rainwater and gravity.

Bath on breeze blocks. Yeah. Fire under bath here.

Bath on breeze blocks. Yeah. Fire under bath here.

Pipe down. Uh-huh.

Pipe down. Uh-huh.

I'm a resourceful, gay Del Boy.

I'm a resourceful, gay Del Boy.

Tarp...

I love a bit of DIY.

I can pretty much do absolutely anything.

I can pretty much do absolutely anything.

Put this up here. Make a little V, little valley

Put this up here. Make a little V, little valley

so the water can trickle down into the metal bath.

so the water can trickle down into the metal bath.

Yeah.

Bosh! Look at this.

People assume that I'm a sort of fabulous queen -

People assume that I'm a sort of fabulous queen -

and I am! - but I'm a very big butch boy as well.

and I am! - but I'm a very big butch boy as well.

Oh, yeah. Ooh.

Oh, yeah. Ooh.

I need to stop getting up so quickly.

Dizzy head? Yeah.

Dizzy head? Yeah.

Dead.

Oh. Do you want to sit down?

Oh. Do you want to sit down?

Do you know how exhausting this is?

Do you know how exhausting this is?

I think we just have to have more food tonight.

Not just goat. But everyone's just so tired.

Not just goat. But everyone's just so tired.

But it'll be worth it once we've done it.

It's just a lot of effort.

Having this shower, I think everyone would benefit from it.

Having this shower, I think everyone would benefit from it.

Yeah. Phase one.

Let's hope that it rains.

We need to have a chat, guys.

We need to have a chat, guys.

Reunited at the laundry,

Kelly wastes little time sharing her news.

Kelly wastes little time sharing her news.

What do you think happened when we went to feed the goats?

What do you think happened when we went to feed the goats?

Weren't there? No. Really? They're gone.

Weren't there? No. Really? They're gone.

The goats are gone. Yeah.

Argh!

Fucking pissing me off!

You don't take fucking goats off a farmer.

You don't take fucking goats off a farmer.

That's the fucking number one fucking rule.

That's the fucking number one fucking rule.

Fuck!

I'm struggling with it, really.

The Eastsiders seemed trustworthy.

The Eastsiders seemed trustworthy.

But... Argh!

..I am very naive.

Like, if they've got the goats, that's bad, bad, bad juju.

Like, if they've got the goats, that's bad, bad, bad juju.

We're hungry.

We've got two days of food left, and that's it. We're out.

We've got two days of food left, and that's it. We're out.

Our two goats are missing -

that was going to be food for the next two weeks.

If they've got the goats, they're just hiding them.

They haven't killed them.

We can't do anything about it tonight.

But I think tomorrow we need to figure out a way to find out.

But I think tomorrow we need to figure out a way to find out.

No, no, we need to ask them.

No, no, we need to ask them.

Are you telling me you're going to sleep the night?

Are you telling me you're going to sleep the night?

You're not going to go searching for the goats?

Unbelievable.

I'm an alpha male!

You know, I don't believe in alpha female.

You know, I don't believe in alpha female.

I grew up in a house where there were five brothers,

I grew up in a house where there were five brothers,

so I'm not scared. I'm literally not scared of anything.

so I'm not scared. I'm literally not scared of anything.

I'm happy to rough and tumble, put it that way.

I'm happy to rough and tumble, put it that way.

At some point we're going to ask them if they have the goats.

At some point we're going to ask them if they have the goats.

And the earlier we do that, the better.

And the earlier we do that, the better.

So who's going to go?

I'm angry. I'm going with whoever is going there.

I'm angry. I'm going with whoever is going there.

God help them if they have the goats.

We're sitting ducks. It's torture.

We're sitting ducks. It's torture.

BANGING AT DOOR

Bollocks.

BANGING AT DOOR It is them.

In search of their missing goats, Westsiders Matty and Celia

In search of their missing goats, Westsiders Matty and Celia

have turned up at the school unannounced.

have turned up at the school unannounced.

Are you guys OK?

We just wanted to give you guys the benefit of the doubt.

We just wanted to give you guys the benefit of the doubt.

Um, we had goats.

Um, we had goats.

They're missing.

Oh. Yeah.

We haven't stolen any goats.

We haven't stolen any goats.

Um, with all transparency, we do have some goats.

Um, with all transparency, we do have some goats.

Um, with all transparency, we do have some goats.

Um, they were gifted to us. By...?

Um, they were gifted to us. By...?

By a new member.

By a new member.

Um, she found goats and...

Um, she found goats and...

Um, she found goats and...

Brought them in...and brought them in exchange for living with us.

Brought them in...and brought them in exchange for living with us.

So that's our goats.

OK. But...

..they were given to us. So we now have...

But if you did want to speak to her,

it would be speaking through us because she's a part of our team.

it would be speaking through us because she's a part of our team.

Yeah. No, we'd like to speak to her.

Yeah. No, we'd like to speak to her.

Now, here's the spin on this story.

We had a sign there, which literally said...

It would be an act of war. .."This is an act of aggression."

It would be an act of war. .."This is an act of aggression."

So then that means she is an aggressor.

So then that means she is an aggressor.

But we...we didn't come to your place and steal your shit.

But we...we didn't come to your place and steal your shit.

Eye for an eye.

We're not laughing, as you can see.

We're not laughing. We got... We got gifted a goat!

We're not laughing. We got... We got gifted a goat!

But it... No, it's ours.

No, it's not. You don't own that.

Here's the thing, all right?

If we leave here, this is the end of it.

If we leave here, this is the end of it.

The end of what? Our alliance.

These are our goats now,

and that's the way that we're going to roll with it. I'm sorry.Really?

and that's the way that we're going to roll with it. I'm sorry.Really?

We're going to be back. Let's go.

That sounds aggressive.

Just remember, we didn't do anything.

We haven't broken any alliance.

We haven't broken any alliance.

But glad to know that that's how you roll.

But glad to know that that's how you roll.

THEY GIGGLE

What you said ended it completely.

"We'll be back." Celia Schwarzenegger.

"We'll be back." Celia Schwarzenegger.

We are going to smash the damned house and take our goats.

We are going to smash the damned house and take our goats.

All hail the delegation!

Any news?They've stolen our goats. They've got them?!

Any news?They've stolen our goats. They've got them?!

Argh.

They said a new member has joined their team

They said a new member has joined their team

and offered two goats to them in exchange for cover.

and offered two goats to them in exchange for cover.

No way.

If you still believe them, you haven't learned anything.

If you still believe them, you haven't learned anything.

These guys lie.

God help the boys to get back the goat.

Because if they don't, their authority's...

Because if they don't, their authority's...

I wouldn't even listen to anything they've got to say going forward.

I wouldn't even listen to anything they've got to say going forward.

We need the goats back.

Ioan, what are you thinking?

Ioan, what are you thinking?

I think we go there and say, "You've got...

I think we go there and say, "You've got...

"You've got to give us the goats,

"or otherwise all hell is going to break loose."

"or otherwise all hell is going to break loose."

I'm a nice guy, but push me too far and then I can't cope.

I'm a nice guy, but push me too far and then I can't cope.

I'm a nice guy, but push me too far and then I can't cope.

Let's burn them down.

I don't even want to negotiate any more.

We've been duped.

Honestly.

Now all I want to do is ransack their house.

Now all I want to do is ransack their house.

Smells nice.

I'm going to put the fish in a soup.

I'm going to put the fish in a soup.

Without goats, the Westsiders' only source of protein

Without goats, the Westsiders' only source of protein

is three small fish caught earlier in the day.

is three small fish caught earlier in the day.

Thank you very much, Chef.

Oh, I'm so hungry. I'm so hungry.

Bones, bro!

Fish, it's disgusting.

Whoever designed fish was slightly taking the piss, weren't they?

Whoever designed fish was slightly taking the piss, weren't they?

Yeah. Yuck.

Fish are bony. They're disgusting.

Fish are bony. They're disgusting.

I don't think they're going to sustain us.

I don't think they're going to sustain us.

Not going to help us survive. Gross.

Not going to help us survive. Gross.

I'm not even attempting the fish any more.

That's me done.

We have six hungry individuals.

We have six hungry individuals.

I'm beginning to panic.

I'll be quite honest - this is how much we have left.

I'll be quite honest - this is how much we have left.

We're down to a ration of peach and cherry cobbler.

We're down to a ration of peach and cherry cobbler.

One ration of beef and black beans.

One ration of beef and black beans.

And a can of peaches.

And a can of peaches.

And then we're out.

Everything literally hangs in the balance.

Everything literally hangs in the balance.

I just feel like this isn't the end.

They've just said they'll be back.

We'll guard entrances, exits, goats, chickens.

We'll guard entrances, exits, goats, chickens.

So, war is comin'.

So, war is comin'.

The beacons have been lit.

The battalions are forming.

I'm just quite scared.

We're all going to be sleeping with not just one eye -

We're all going to be sleeping with not just one eye -

two eyes and the third eye definitely open.

two eyes and the third eye definitely open.

QUIET BANGS AND SCRAPES

QUIET BANGS AND SCRAPES

I hear noises. It's the middle of the night,

I hear noises. It's the middle of the night,

I'm thinking the Westside is trying to get into our home.

I'm thinking the Westside is trying to get into our home.

Not on my young, queer life.

I don't want to be out here. This place is creepy.

I don't want to be out here. This place is creepy.

Oh, did you hear that?

Do you not think there's people watching us right now?

HEY!

SCREAMS

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

LAUGHTER

I literally shit myself.

LAUGHTER

My heart's racing. It's pitter-patter.

My heart's racing. It's pitter-patter.

I'm doing my civic duty for the team.

I'm doing my civic duty for the team.

No-one came out to see if I was all right.

I could be getting butchered.

And Scott's out there laughing.

I'm still sat there, near pissing myself.

I'm still sat there, near pissing myself.

I'm done.

Argh! SCREAMS

Oh, my God. Get me to bed right now!

Oh, my God. Get me to bed right now!

LAUGHTER

Knackered.

After a sleep-deprived night at the school...

After a sleep-deprived night at the school...

Let's go in this bus, actually. Woo!

Let's go in this bus, actually. Woo!

..Steven and Kiera are out early, scavenging for resources.

..Steven and Kiera are out early, scavenging for resources.

..Steven and Kiera are out early, scavenging for resources.

Empty.

Get in.

Yes! Oh.

Huh!

Wait. Is that a drink?

Oh, no. It's empty. Imagine.

Has no-one been in here?

What is on the ground?

Something in here.

SHE GASPS

Doritos! Oh!

What the...? What the...?

What the...? What the...?

It's just Doritos. It's Doritos.

THEY SQUEAL

Oh, what do we do? Eating it. You're eating it.

Oh, what do we do? Eating it. You're eating it.

That is everything you've wanted. Eat it right now?

That is everything you've wanted. Eat it right now?

No. Yes. You eat it right now.

HE SNIFFS

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

THEY LAUGH

How's it taste?

That's the one.

Feel so bad that we're just looking to make sure

Feel so bad that we're just looking to make sure

we're not getting caught.

I feel like I'm robbing a jewellery store.

I feel like I'm robbing a jewellery store.

I actually want to cry. That tastes so good as well.

I actually want to cry. That tastes so good as well.

I don't feel bad. It's a dog-eat-dog world.

I don't feel bad. It's a dog-eat-dog world.

THEY CRUNCH AND SNIGGER

Kelly! They're coming.

Hoping to reach a settlement over the goats,

Hoping to reach a settlement over the goats,

Kiera, Kyra and newcomer Alix are heading west.

Kiera, Kyra and newcomer Alix are heading west.

There's a girl I haven't seen before.

Yeah, the one on the right. Yeah. I've never seen her.

Yeah, the one on the right. Yeah. I've never seen her.

They look pissed off.

Look at her staring us down like we're scum.

Just walk past.

You might not find many people down there.

You might not find many people down there.

If you want to go talk to them,

they might not want to talk to you two, either.

That's all right.

Good luck. Thanks.

You're going to need it.

SCOFFS Going to need it!

SCOFFS Going to need it!

Oh, I want to be in there with this discussion.

Matt...

Oh, here they come.

Oh, here they come.

Who else is with them?

Do you mind if I walk down there? Let the boys deal with them.

Do you mind if I walk down there? Let the boys deal with them.

You know what happened between you and Brooke

and the boys just sat down there and watched it all?

and the boys just sat down there and watched it all?

I know. They're going to do the same thing to you.I'll be back.

I know. They're going to do the same thing to you.I'll be back.

I grew up with the nickname Yelly Kelly.

I grew up with the nickname Yelly Kelly.

I'll be back. Ugh!I'll be back!

I'll be back. Ugh!I'll be back!

If there's people being rude or just unkind,

If there's people being rude or just unkind,

I won't sit quietly. I will voice my opinion.

I won't sit quietly. I will voice my opinion.

I'm not one to start fights, but we'll finish them.

I'm not one to start fights, but we'll finish them.

Hello. Hi, I'm Alix.

New member. Ioan.

Nice to meet you. Alix, I'm... Sorry - I'm not Alix!

Nice to meet you. Alix, I'm... Sorry - I'm not Alix!

I'm Matt. Matt. Nice to meet you guys.

Sorry I took your goats.

I arrived yesterday.

I saw the goats and, you know, they're food.

I grew up on a farm, so I took the goats.

I grew up on a farm, so I took the goats.

Not see a sign, no? No, I didn't see any sign.

Not see a sign, no? No, I didn't see any sign.

I just jumped over the gate. So...

I just jumped over the gate. So...

Didn't... Didn't...

Didn't see you guys. No. OK.

Didn't see you guys. No. OK.

So... Alix is...

No, on the way here - they didn't want to speak to me.

No, on the way here - they didn't want to speak to me.

Kelly, it wasn't you personally.

It's just Celia shouted in the both of our faces yesterday.

It's just Celia shouted in the both of our faces yesterday.

Well, I'm not Celia. And all I've been is nothing but nice to you guys

Well, I'm not Celia. And all I've been is nothing but nice to you guys

when you guys came here.

All we need to do is sort this goat situation out.

All we need to do is sort this goat situation out.

So this is the terms that everyone came up with.

So this is the terms that everyone came up with.

So you want to give us one baby goat for a bag of flour,

So you want to give us one baby goat for a bag of flour,

So you want to give us one baby goat for a bag of flour,

two tins - full size - and laundry powder.

two tins - full size - and laundry powder.

Interesting. So... Sweet.

Well... PAPER RIPS

That's an absolute not a chance. That's not happening.

Have you got someone else that can come and do your talking?

Have you got someone else that can come and do your talking?

No. No. Yeah, the women in our group actually do things.

No. No. Yeah, the women in our group actually do things.

Yeah. Oh, they actually do things. Oh!

Yeah. Oh, they actually do things. Oh!

We don't stay and do arts and crafts.

Yeah, that's what we've been told.

Oh, God. I can't deal with you guys any more. Then don't.

Oh, God. I can't deal with you guys any more. Then don't.

Are you going to let them speak to me like that? Um...

Are you going to let them speak to me like that? Um...

All right. Ugh. Anyways, back to the deal...

All right. Ugh. Anyways, back to the deal...

Really appreciate you guys coming down here

and talking the way that you do,

saying, "Oh, us girls actually do something,

"and not just arts and crafts. All right, guys...

No, no, let me finish. Let me finish.

If you want to come up here and make an offer,

start talking nicer or you can fuck off.

start talking nicer or you can fuck off.

Oh, don't speak to me like that. Then get the fuck out of here. Wow!

Oh, don't speak to me like that. Then get the fuck out of here. Wow!

This is our place. Wow. If you're going to come and be rude to us...

This is our place. Wow. If you're going to come and be rude to us...

This is embarrassing for you.

Stop saying that. No-one gives a shit.

We're The Apocalypse. Who's watching? Um... Wow.

Shut up! Guys, shut the fuck up!

Shut up! Guys, shut the fuck up!

Holy shit!

Everyone just stop, all right.

Everyone just stop, all right.

I understand people don't get along.

We're dealing with the goat situation.

We need to sort this out. This is serious fucking shit, right?

We need to sort this out. This is serious fucking shit, right?

This is our food.

Without the goat situation sorted out, everything's fair game.

Without the goat situation sorted out, everything's fair game.

I'll take your chickens, I'll take your water,

I'll take your fish, I'll take everything.Yeah.

Goat-gate. Cool.

Piss off.

Why are they allowing girls to come here

Why are they allowing girls to come here

and talk to me the way they do?

Ignore me and be rude.

Ignore me and be rude.

And then tell me to shut the fuck up? Like, nuh. Done.

And then tell me to shut the fuck up? Like, nuh. Done.

Argh!

I think we need to sit down and come together as a team

I think we need to sit down and come together as a team

cos we are starting to crumble, all over some goats.

cos we are starting to crumble, all over some goats.

After a visit from the Eastside left Kelly upset,

After a visit from the Eastside left Kelly upset,

tensions are running high for the Westsiders.

tensions are running high for the Westsiders.

What happened?

They came here with the agenda to disrespect me.

They came here with the agenda to disrespect me.

I mean, they said the most rudest things to me sitting there.

I mean, they said the most rudest things to me sitting there.

But if you're told to shut up with them

and their little, fuckin' smug faces,

and their little, fuckin' smug faces,

they've walked off, while I'm sitting here with a team

that I'm not even sure that I want to be with right now.

I said to them, I...

I said to them, I...

Yeah, there's... Look, there's no point...

I've listened to you and you've just put your hands in the air...

I've listened to you and you've just put your hands in the air...

I'm listening! I'm listening! You're fucking not!

You didn't speak like that there. You didn't... I did!

You didn't speak like that there. You didn't... I did!

Of course you didn't. I did! Of course you didn't.

I did. I told them, I told them if we don't get goats,

I did. I told them, I told them if we don't get goats,

if we don't get half...

if we don't get half...

It's either half the fucking mother goat and half the baby goat.

It's either half the fucking mother goat and half the baby goat.

If not, I'll rip down all your water and I'll take all your food,

If not, I'll rip down all your water and I'll take all your food,

so don't come here and tell me that I'm not sticking up for my team

so don't come here and tell me that I'm not sticking up for my team

when I've said I'm going to go there,

ruin their entire situation up.

ruin their entire situation up.

You guys created this shit and I'm not going to sit down here,

You guys created this shit and I'm not going to sit down here,

watch three girls come here and disrespect me.

watch three girls come here and disrespect me.

Go do something a-fucking-bout it, then,

instead of instead of just yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap... You, Ioan...

instead of instead of just yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap... You, Ioan...

..in our ear all the time. Ioan...

You're full of shit.

How am I full of shit?

You don't stop!

You're going to go there...

I'm going to go there. I'll cut all their water down.

I'm going to go there. I'll cut all their water down.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, we will. Go and do it, then.

Well... You let them come here and disrespect Kelly.

Well... You let them come here and disrespect Kelly.

You stand down there, let them come here, disrespect Kelly. No.

You stand down there, let them come here, disrespect Kelly. No.

Why would you let that happen? Celia, you weren't here!

Why would you let that happen? Celia, you weren't here!

Guys, we're talking to our group here.

Let's take it down a little bit and talk with our normal voices.

Let's take it down a little bit and talk with our normal voices.

At the end of the day, this needs to be resolved as a team.

At the end of the day, this needs to be resolved as a team.

Yes, they came and disrespected Kelly.

Kelly, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

Kelly, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

I'm upset and I don't even know if I want to be here right now.

I'm upset and I don't even know if I want to be here right now.

I'm done. Got no food, no team-mates at the moment.

I'm done. Got no food, no team-mates at the moment.

I mean, it's just... It's just a shitshow here.

Ugh.

The men have been acting like they're the leaders,

The men have been acting like they're the leaders,

but, time and time again, I see they fall apart.

but, time and time again, I see they fall apart.

They don't... If you want to be a man, be a man.

They don't... If you want to be a man, be a man.

Ugh... Oh, my God. This is the worst day ever.

Ugh... Oh, my God. This is the worst day ever.

Real men do not compromise.

Real men do not compromise.

Real men look after their own first.

Real men look after their own first.

Right now, I'm sorry, I can't even respect any decisions they make.

Right now, I'm sorry, I can't even respect any decisions they make.

Right now, I'm sorry, I can't even respect any decisions they make.

What an idiot I am.

This is, like, the worst thing that can happen.

This is, like, the worst thing that can happen.

Ugh... I feel terrible about the way Kelly's been treated.

Ugh... I feel terrible about the way Kelly's been treated.

And we preach about being a part of, like, a tight group and a family,

And we preach about being a part of, like, a tight group and a family,

And we preach about being a part of, like, a tight group and a family,

and yet we throw one of our own to the wolves.

and yet we throw one of our own to the wolves.

The bath has filled up.

It's looking good.

It's looking good.

Water is freezing cold.

Water is freezing cold.

We've just got to get this fire going.

We've just got to get this fire going.

Bertie and his Eastside team are one step closer to a hot shower.

Bertie and his Eastside team are one step closer to a hot shower.

Bertie and his Eastside team are one step closer to a hot shower.

Ooh, it's warm.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited.

Look at it. The steam! It's hot water, baby!

Look at it. The steam! It's hot water, baby!

Looks like a spa. It does.

Ooh, I'm so excited!

Ooh, I'm so excited!

Get that soap on me, lather me up.

Get that soap on me, lather me up.

Hot water running down my body in the imminent future.

Hot water running down my body in the imminent future.

Bertie has siphoned hot water from the bath to the level below.

Bertie has siphoned hot water from the bath to the level below.

Bertie has siphoned hot water from the bath to the level below.

It works. Look.

Oh, my gosh! It works!

That is so much better than I anticipated. It works.

That is so much better than I anticipated. It works.

BOTH:Ahhh!

Oh, it's actually hot. The hot shower in the apocalypse!

Oh, it's actually hot. The hot shower in the apocalypse!

Let's get ourselves soaped up!

HE GASPS Oh, my gosh!

LAUGHTER

Oh, my gosh!

CHEERING

That is unreal!

That is unreal!

It was so great. I mean, look at my nails.

It was so great. I mean, look at my nails.

Yeah. Yeah!

So, I was stinky, I was sweaty, and now I'm squeaky clean.

So, I was stinky, I was sweaty, and now I'm squeaky clean.

So, I was stinky, I was sweaty, and now I'm squeaky clean.

And it's flipping glorious.

And it's flipping glorious.

Oh, my gosh. I actually feel so alive right now.

Oh, my gosh. I actually feel so alive right now.

Right, you can't see anything, but right down here.

Right, you can't see anything, but right down here.

Let's go. Wheeee! I'm not looking.

Absolutely.

I need to get in my little crevices.

I actually can't believe, from a little idea, like,

I actually can't believe, from a little idea, like,

it's been such a massive energy boost. Yeah.

it's been such a massive energy boost. Yeah.

High five!

THEY CHEER

And we did it, and I feel so fresh.

Look, the skin, the hair, the beard, the body.

Look, the skin, the hair, the beard, the body.

Look, the skin, the hair, the beard, the body.

It's giving tea.

Team shower! Shower! Woo!

Team shower! Shower! Woo!

I think we need to start - and Celia's going to love this -

I think we need to start - and Celia's going to love this -

we need to start backing each other

we need to start backing each other

when it comes to them attacking us on the spot.

when it comes to them attacking us on the spot.

On the Westside, the group have yet to overcome their differences.

On the Westside, the group have yet to overcome their differences.

Look, I've got to stop fighting.

I've got to stop arguing. I get that.

You know, I love all the guys, I really do,

You know, I love all the guys, I really do,

but it really upset me, the way they acted.

but it really upset me, the way they acted.

But I don't want those people over there tearing us apart.

But I don't want those people over there tearing us apart.

We need to be a team on the outside and the inside,

We need to be a team on the outside and the inside,

and stick to our word.

Amidst the conflict,

Ioan's taken himself off to mull things over.

Ioan's taken himself off to mull things over.

I'm struggling.

I lost my temper and I got, you know, angry.

I lost my temper and I got, you know, angry.

I lost my temper and I got, you know, angry.

I was angry, and that's not who I am.

I was angry, and that's not who I am.

I want to be a nice guy, a diplomatic guy, and everyone get on.

I want to be a nice guy, a diplomatic guy, and everyone get on.

And then you try that, and then you've got the likes of Celia

And then you try that, and then you've got the likes of Celia

screaming, barking at you.

"You're too nice. You need to grow some balls."

"You're too nice. You need to grow some balls."

Maybe I am too nice, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Maybe I am too nice, and there's nothing wrong with that.

If I said, "Do we NEED all the goat?"

If I said, "Do we NEED all the goat?"

they'd be like, "You pussy."

Like, why do we need this cycle of...

Like, why do we need this cycle of...

..violence, essentially?

But I just think we need to think about things.

But I just think we need to think about things.

But it's hard when you're hungry, tired, and very full of emotions.

But it's hard when you're hungry, tired, and very full of emotions.

But it's hard when you're hungry, tired, and very full of emotions.

But it's hard when you're hungry, tired, and very full of emotions.

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

What to do? What to do?

Firstly, I want to apologise to you, Kelly,

for not jumping in and standing up for you in front of them.

for not jumping in and standing up for you in front of them.

for not jumping in and standing up for you in front of them.

I just want you to know that, like, you are a huge asset to the team.

I just want you to know that, like, you are a huge asset to the team.

I just want you to know that, like, you are a huge asset to the team.

Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

Yeah, OK. Thanks.

That's probably why I didn't say anything

That's probably why I didn't say anything

because I thought you knew how much we thought of you.

because I thought you knew how much we thought of you.

because I thought you knew how much we thought of you.

That's so disrespectful.

Like, that's what my main thing is. I know, I know.

Like, that's what my main thing is. I know, I know.

And we've let them. They're so disrespectful.

And we've let them. They're so disrespectful.

And it's not fun and it's shit, right?

And it's not fun and it's shit, right?

But I've been sitting there

and I've been going over everything in my head.

and I've been going over everything in my head.

I don't come to rash decisions.

I don't come to rash decisions.

If we have a war, how long are we going to last?

If we have a war, how long are we going to last?

I cannot sustain the rest of this time tit-for-tatting,

I cannot sustain the rest of this time tit-for-tatting,

I cannot sustain the rest of this time tit-for-tatting,

so if we just split the goats,

so if we just split the goats,

two halves of the goat will sustain us for a minimum of ten days.

two halves of the goat will sustain us for a minimum of ten days.

I'm not saying I want to be their friend -

I don't - but I'm looking at self-preservation.

I don't - but I'm looking at self-preservation.

Yeah, but we were already there before the goats got taken.

Yeah, but we were already there before the goats got taken.

We need to go and get the goats back.

We need to go and get the goats back.

We have to try.

We've got two days of food left.

We've got two days of food left.

Two days is all we've got left.

If we steal the goats tonight, they steal 'em back the next night,

If we steal the goats tonight, they steal 'em back the next night,

then we steal them back, and in two days, we've got no food.

then we steal them back, and in two days, we've got no food.

You haven't got a month's worth of energy for war.

You haven't got a month's worth of energy for war.

I agree. I don't want full-blown war.

I agree. I don't want full-blown war.

That's what we're going towards.

We need to come together as a team to figure this out -

We need to come together as a team to figure this out -

We need to come together as a team to figure this out -

not only the best for us right now, the best for us to survive.

not only the best for us right now, the best for us to survive.

not only the best for us right now, the best for us to survive.

We need to all now make a decision.

We need to all now make a decision.

So we say we want 50/50.

Does that sound right to everyone?

Yep. Kelly?

Celia?

Dean? 50/50 is our absolute base.

Dean? 50/50 is our absolute base.

That's it, that's it. That's it. If they come back with 49-51...

That's it, that's it. That's it. If they come back with 49-51...

Nah, see ya later. ..tell 'em to suck shit.

They threatened they're going to take all our chickens,

all our goats, all of our food, water, wood.

all our goats, all of our food, water, wood.

They said they're coming. Bring it. Don't threaten us.

They said they're coming. Bring it. Don't threaten us.

Don't think that we can't hold our own.

After yesterday's confrontation with the West,

After yesterday's confrontation with the West,

the Eastside are unsure how to proceed.

the Eastside are unsure how to proceed.

It got really heated, and I felt uncomfortable.

It got really heated, and I felt uncomfortable.

I mean, the girls, like, really hold their own.

I mean, the girls, like, really hold their own.

But I think next time, in terms of negotiation,

But I think next time, in terms of negotiation,

But I think next time, in terms of negotiation,

I do think it would probably be better just to go with fresh people.

I do think it would probably be better just to go with fresh people.

We've done nothing wrong.

I know, I get that, but we're trying to create peace,

I know, I get that, but we're trying to create peace,

just for the sake of the negotiation.

just for the sake of the negotiation.

I don't like creating conflict, really.

I don't like creating conflict, really.

You know, an easy life's a peaceful one.

You know, an easy life's a peaceful one.

Psychologically, we'll always hate the other side.

Psychologically, we'll always hate the other side.

Because you're only waking thoughts is, "How do I survive?

Because you're only waking thoughts is, "How do I survive?

"How do I get food?" And so anything that threatens that is an enemy.

"How do I get food?" And so anything that threatens that is an enemy.

"How do I get food?" And so anything that threatens that is an enemy.

"How do I get food?" And so anything that threatens that is an enemy.

But then, upon reflection, it's crazy to see how quickly

But then, upon reflection, it's crazy to see how quickly

I can get consumed and how much I can hate on the Westside

I can get consumed and how much I can hate on the Westside

I can get consumed and how much I can hate on the Westside

and be nasty.

and be nasty.

It wasn't something I'm proud of.

It wasn't something I'm proud of.

It was pretty bad.

I think maybe it's time to kind of be, yeah, amicable.

I think maybe it's time to kind of be, yeah, amicable.

Carrying a final offer, Westsiders Ioan and Freddie head off

Carrying a final offer, Westsiders Ioan and Freddie head off

Carrying a final offer, Westsiders Ioan and Freddie head off

in search of a compromise with the East.

in search of a compromise with the East.

We don't want this to turn into a shouting match of he said, she said.

We don't want this to turn into a shouting match of he said, she said.

If it does turn into a shouting match, I think we leave.

If it does turn into a shouting match, I think we leave.

Yeah. I think I just can't be bothered with the ongoing drama.

Yeah. I think I just can't be bothered with the ongoing drama.

En route from the Eastside,

Bertie and Scott.

We want an easy life.

If 15 people can't live in an apocalypse,

If 15 people can't live in an apocalypse,

then what has humanity got to, like, hope for?

then what has humanity got to, like, hope for?

There's always going to be tension.

But, you know, the city's not that big

But, you know, the city's not that big

and we definitely do have to co-exist with these guys.

and we definitely do have to co-exist with these guys.

Who is it? It's Freddie.

Where's his turban?

He doesn't look half as fabulous as I was expecting.

He doesn't look half as fabulous as I was expecting.

Scott. Evening, gents. Good to see you.Good to see you. Scotty.

Scott. Evening, gents. Good to see you.Good to see you. Scotty.

All right, gents, the chicken gate has been settled.

All right, gents, the chicken gate has been settled.

We drew a line under that.

We believe the 50/50 meat split deal

We believe the 50/50 meat split deal

is the fairest and the simplest way forward.

is the fairest and the simplest way forward.

You've already taken from us and you're already in debt to us.

You've already taken from us and you're already in debt to us.

Split everything down the middle. There's two communities.

Split everything down the middle. There's two communities.

We only got two chickens back and you kept three.

We only got two chickens back and you kept three.

All right, I'm going to add something in here that is...

All right, I'm going to add something in here that is...

Do we need to have a chat first?

No, it shouldn't be...

You've not caught any fish,

so go back to the 50/50 goat deal,

so go back to the 50/50 goat deal,

and instead of giving you some cans, give you some fish that I catch.

and instead of giving you some cans, give you some fish that I catch.

and instead of giving you some cans, give you some fish that I catch.

Two fish each for each of your clan.

Two fish each for each of your clan.

16 plus fish, gutted, delivered to you.

16 plus fish, gutted, delivered to you.

And then we go off in harmony, peace.

And then we go off in harmony, peace.

And then it's done. There's no more goat gate. There's no nothing.

And then it's done. There's no more goat gate. There's no nothing.

Yeah.

Good. This can be hopefully a nice little lid on the simmer.

Good. This can be hopefully a nice little lid on the simmer.

We can sleep well tonight and not have to sleep with any goats.

We can sleep well tonight and not have to sleep with any goats.

We can sleep well tonight and not have to sleep with any goats.

OK, boys. Take care.

Well done, Ioan, that was inspired. That was really good.

Well done, Ioan, that was inspired. That was really good.

We didn't like the fish, anyway.

I think it's a good deal.

And if the price that we have to pay for that

is a couple of difficult conversations and a few fish

is a couple of difficult conversations and a few fish

that we get out of the river, I'm happy with that.

that we get out of the river, I'm happy with that.

Fish are fucking bony as fuck anyway. They're disgusting.

Fish are fucking bony as fuck anyway. They're disgusting.

The war is over, guys. Yay.

This is the happiest I've ever been!

Celebration!

Celebration! Celebrate!Woo!

It's only like a day's worth of calories,

but boost in morale, boost in our bellies,

but boost in morale, boost in our bellies,

and a boost in our bun.

Steven, I got you a present.

Oh, yeah. We tried these yesterday.

Oh, yeah. We tried these yesterday.

Lovely, man. Popcorn!

Yeah. Open it. It's nice.

Why doesn't it open? Just lift it.

I've got no nails, Scotty 2 Hotty!

THEY LAUGH Oh!

THEY LAUGH Oh!

Asshole!

And you, bitch!

Let's go and kill a goat.

Here they are.

NARRATOR: Tonight, both groups have agreed to slaughter the goats

NARRATOR: Tonight, both groups have agreed to slaughter the goats

and split the meat.

GOAT BLEATS

Oh, that's a boy, as well. Who wants the nuts?

Oh, we'll eat the nuts.

Normally you get packaged and sealed and there's a price tag on it.

Normally you get packaged and sealed and there's a price tag on it.

It's not usually calling out for its mum.

It's a bit different, but it's necessary, right?

It's a bit different, but it's necessary, right?

You got it? Yep. GOAT BLEATS

Clear.

BLEATING ENDS ABRUPTLY

Cut that in the centre and grill.

We're absolutely starving.

You got the organs?

I don't know if it's Christmas or Bloody Tuesday

cos I'm so hungry.

My blood sugar is in my boots. Cognitive function's declining.

My blood sugar is in my boots. Cognitive function's declining.

My muscles are weak.

STOMACH RUMBLES

STOMACH RUMBLES

That was my belly rumbling then,

just to punctuate the point, you know.

just to punctuate the point, you know.

Yum.

I'm very excited.

Back at the laundry, despite simmering tensions,

Back at the laundry, despite simmering tensions,

goat curry will be the Westsiders' first substantial meal in days.

goat curry will be the Westsiders' first substantial meal in days.

goat curry will be the Westsiders' first substantial meal in days.

Little paracord bracelet.

Little paracord bracelet.

Give me your wrist real quick.

We've still got a long way to go in this apocalypse.

We've still got a long way to go in this apocalypse.

That's hard when you're hungry and you're tired and you're cold.

That's hard when you're hungry and you're tired and you're cold.

I'll make one for everyone. Even you, Celia.

I'll make one for everyone. Even you, Celia.

Even you, Celia.

You've got to wear it.

We've had it rough.

I think we just do need, like, that team togetherness

I think we just do need, like, that team togetherness

to ensure now that there are no more cracks.

to ensure now that there are no more cracks.

So we can build a great community, I feel.

So we can build a great community, I feel.

Good God. Absolutely sensational, mate.

Good God. Absolutely sensational, mate.

For a few nights, we were eating spaghetti hoops out of cups.

For a few nights, we were eating spaghetti hoops out of cups.

Now we're eating a delicious meal out of a bowl with spoons.

Now we're eating a delicious meal out of a bowl with spoons.

Now we're eating a delicious meal out of a bowl with spoons.

I'm not jumping out of my seat about the agreement.

I'm not jumping out of my seat about the agreement.

The team carry on as if it's OK. It's not OK.

The team carry on as if it's OK. It's not OK.

CHEERING

Thank you to the goat.

Caused a war... Mm-hm. ..caused stress. Amen.

Caused a war... Mm-hm. ..caused stress. Amen.

But it was worth it. Hallelujah!

Fry the testicles, then.

The Eastsiders are also enjoying every bite of the goat.

The Eastsiders are also enjoying every bite of the goat.

# Two little testicles sitting on a tray. #

# Two little testicles sitting on a tray. #

Oh, they look crispy, though. I'm so excited.

Oh, they look crispy, though. I'm so excited.

My mouth's watering already.

People have lost the plot here. LAUGHTER

"I can't wait, I'm so excited to eat goat's nuts."

"I can't wait, I'm so excited to eat goat's nuts."

What have we become?

Thanks. Oh, it's squidgy.

They're good, eh?That's was all right, actually.

Oh, my God, it's delicious.

Nice, isn't it? Goat nuts, beautiful.

Nice, isn't it? Goat nuts, beautiful.

I'll eat anything.

Now, I absolutely believe you would.

Put your testicles on there, I'd eat them.

Er... THEY LAUGH

Loved it.

What was everyone like at school? Did you enjoy it? Did you hate it?

What was everyone like at school? Did you enjoy it? Did you hate it?

Were you a wee shite?

Give us the goss.

I was a class clown.

Why does that not surprise me?

Why does that not surprise me?

I think I was just really frustrated as a kid.

I think I was just really frustrated as a kid.

I was never academic. I had dyslexia.

I was never academic. I had dyslexia.

And, like, I think there was always, like, a need

And, like, I think there was always, like, a need

to kind of prove myself away from my family, as well,

to kind of prove myself away from my family, as well,

to kind of prove myself away from my family, as well,

cos...my last name's Mountbatten.

cos...my last name's Mountbatten.

Mountbatten. Isn't that the royal family?

Mountbatten. Isn't that the royal family?

No way! Ah!

THEY LAUGH

What the fuck? Don't swear around royalty.

What the fuck? Don't swear around royalty.

Oh, my God.

I didn't think that knowing the Queen was a big deal

I didn't think that knowing the Queen was a big deal

when I was young, until, like, a certain age,

when I was young, until, like, a certain age,

and then you're like, "OK, yeah, I'm actually really lucky."

and then you're like, "OK, yeah, I'm actually really lucky."

Have you ever met the Queen?

I had the most amazing childhood ever.

I had the most amazing childhood ever.

I had tea with the Queen.

I had tea with the Queen.

Stayed at Balmoral, which was nuts.

Stayed at Balmoral, which was nuts.

Obviously, people have preconceptions about you.

Obviously, people have preconceptions about you.

Posh, rich, royal white girl.

Posh, rich, royal white girl.

But I work in the Ambulance Service with paramedics on the front line.

But I work in the Ambulance Service with paramedics on the front line.

But I work in the Ambulance Service with paramedics on the front line.

There's a lot of blood, sick, and wiping people's bums on the reg.

There's a lot of blood, sick, and wiping people's bums on the reg.

There's a lot of blood, sick, and wiping people's bums on the reg.

I think it makes me a lot more relatable

I think it makes me a lot more relatable

instead of just kind of being a little princess.

instead of just kind of being a little princess.

Oh, I would never have thought you were royal. Far from it.

Oh, I would never have thought you were royal. Far from it.

Who's next?Kiera?

If you think I'm following that...

THEY LAUGH

She's well down-to-earth.

Yeah, she speaks a bit posh, but...so?

Yeah, she speaks a bit posh, but...so?

Kiera is well jealous.

I would come in here and say, "Hi, my name's Kiera Mountbatten.

I would come in here and say, "Hi, my name's Kiera Mountbatten.

"I'm also in the royal family."

"I'm also in the royal family."

I don't care if she has royal blood in her. I'm the real princess.

I don't care if she has royal blood in her. I'm the real princess.

I don't care if she has royal blood in her. I'm the real princess.

You're living the life that I'm meant to be living.

You're living the life that I'm meant to be living.

And I had my own lady's maid. I'm so depressed now.

And I had my own lady's maid. I'm so depressed now.

THEY LAUGH

Why isn't anyone doing anything?

Fuck off! Come on, then. Disappear.

Fuck off! Come on, then. Disappear.

Don't piss me off.

Not a single raisin in this.

No, hold on, hold on. Can I just count?

No, hold on, hold on. Can I just count?

Count?

I don't want Dean telling me what to do.

I don't want Dean telling me what to do.

HELICOPTER WHIRRING Guys!

There's a parachute! Go!

The West, they're coming!

Freddie and Ioan and Matt are trying to steal it.

Freddie and Ioan and Matt are trying to steal it.

Hurry! Get it, Bertie! Go!

Boys, it's here!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Subtitles by Red Bee Media