Original subtitles

VIV THE INVISIBLE WOMAN: Painting your portrait

doesn't mean they're planning a big initiation.

There's a portrait of me on the wall, and I'm invisible.

Yeah. That's a window.

Is it? Oh.

Anyway, I'm sure it's only a...

..small painting.

Oh!

HE CHUCKLES

What do you think?

Why did you want it...that big?

That wasn't me. It was me.

I couldn't resist!

My boy, you're only initiated once.

And you're...you're sure that this is all...necessary?

You're the future King. If you can't show off

at your initiation, when can you show off?

It was at his initiation

that King Valkar first demonstrated

the power of Zymonzes.

Still the only vampire to master it.

The power of what? The ability to control humans,

compelling them to obey your every command.

Ha! I must dash. I've got to go to the kitchen.

I am serving our guests a Bloody Mary upon arrival.

HE CHUCKLES

How lovely.

Mary's not too happy about it, but...

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

To pass his initiation,

a vampire must stand before his peers

and feed for the first time from a human neck.

Easy enough for a vampire,

but how I get around that as a human is a puzzle

we still haven't solved.

So why does Mum seem so happy?

Sorry, I forgot to say that out loud.

Why do you seem so happy?

Because I've realised what to do!

I called on someone renowned for making problems go away.

You don't mean...

FUNKY JINGLE PLAYS

Siegfried Henge.

The Siegfried Henge.

Fixer par excellence.

World-renowned problem solver.

You name it - he's the brains behind it.

Wooden horse at the siege of Troy - his idea.

He started the Great Fire of London

just to get a man out of meeting his mother-in-law.

He even helped Moses part the Red Sea.

A system of glass partitions. It was nothing.

He's agreed to help us.

So I've put him up here, out of the way.

Mr Henge deserves something more salubrious

than a servant's room. He hasn't even got a bed.

No need of one.

Siegfried Henge sleeps on a bed of nails.

Sharp bed, sharp mind.

Fear not - Valeeta explained your predicament.

Did you bring the plans of the initiation room

and the list of guests?

Ah! I did.

Danke, Valeeta.

Ah, c'est wunderbar.

No, this should not be too much troubles.

This time tomorrow, I will have a plan.

I think you might enjoy.

HE CHUCKLES

Thank you, Mr Henge! Thank you, Mr Henge.

Oh, isn't he wonderful?

OWL HOOTS

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with...

..S.

Is it sky?

Yeah, it is sky again.

Mmm. Hmm. Interesting.

I just find it interesting

that you didn't schedule your initiation on a full moon.

I just find that interesting.

Oh, well, it was Dad.

You think I'm going to turn into a wolf, don't you,

and do something embarrassing?

No, that never occurred...

Cos, for your info, that's all behind me now.

Hm. I've started working with a life coach

who guarantees results.

He's turned his whole life around.

Reckons he's never been happier.

And that's saying something

for a man who sleeps in his car.

Thanks to him, I've unlocked my inner fierceness.

And I just think it's a shame people won't get to see that,

but, mmm.

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with...

..M.

Man. Yep. Uh, hang on.

What, uh, what man? Who's a man?

You. Wrong.

I'm a completely different creature, so that's bull.

You're a bull?

No, not a bull.

I'm part man...

Part bull. No, part wolf.

Part wolf, part bull.

No! Nothing to do with a bull.

Forget about the bull!

You're not being very clear.

Oh, dear. Oh, you're a deer now?

Part deer. Part bull.

This...this is making me... This is making me...!

Easy! Easy. Bear with us.

There's a bear with us?!

Part bear. Part deer, part bull.

Right. I-I've got it.

I'm this close... This close to losing it.

And if you think I'm lying...

I don't think you're lying. Right. Oh. Good.

I think you're part lion.

Part bull. Part bear.

Part deer. Part wolf.

It'd be quicker to just say "man".

I...am...not...a...man!

I'm not a man! Au revoir!

Ooooooh!

OWL HOOTS

Find the candles at once! Yes, your highness.

Excellent -

you found the good goblets.

Vernon, stop sulking! Make yourself useful.

Polish these. Go, go!

A reflection...

Oh, not those ones, Victor.

We lent them to the ogre - they still smell of fungus.

Oh, one crisp left. Rock-paper-scissors?

Nose-badger-spoon.

No! The game - to decide who gets the last one.

Oh, sorry. I thought we were just naming things.

You're so weird sometimes.

Just don't really...

..play games.

Rock-paper-scissors - it's a classic,

like Simon Says.

Why, what did he say? Who?

Simon. Th-There is no Simon.

Well, then, how does he say anything?

He doesn't. It's the name.

You tell people to do things,

and if you say "Simon says", they have to do it.

Raise your hands.

Ah, no.

Simon says raise your hand.

I can't believe you've never played it.

Well, there's probably things you've never done before.

I mean, how long have you been coming to this lake?

All my life. Yeah?

Have you ever swam in it?

Oh, that's different.

There's things...living in there.

Eels and stuff.

I will do it - I just haven't got round to it.

So get round to it.

You're all right. Thanks.

Simon says, "Get round to it."

SHE SCOFFS

I will if you will.

I will if you will.

All right. You're on! Tomorrow.

Tomorrow it is.

Can't wait. Same here.

HE HUMS HAPPILY

Thank you, little trumpet...

HE PARPS

HE CHUCKLES

HE HUMS

Igon! Agh! Sorry! Have any guests arrived for the initiation?

Not until tomorrow, sir.

Then why is there an extra horse in my stables?

I wasn't aware there was, sir.

No-one's asked me to make up a bed.

But the ledger says

that it belongs to a Siegfried Henge.

The only Siegfried Henge I know is the famous fixer, sir.

But he only helps people in tricky situations.

No-one's in a tricky situation here, sir.

Aren't they?

And what do we have here?

I believe that's a hairdryer for tall, shaggy dogs, sir.

Or a cannon that fires much smaller dogs, sir.

You believe wrong. This...

..is an old spotlight from a theatre.

Have it fixed up for tomorrow.

It'd be nice for everyone to see things...clearly.

Enter!

Hi.

Um, have you had a chance to...to think?

When Siegfried Henge says he will think,

Siegfried Henge thinks.

And this plan is going to be exquisite.

It's possibly my finest ever.

You will enter from the south door and take to the stage.

Then Tess here.... Hi.

Hi, Tess. ..will pretend to be your victim.

That is when Dale here... Hi.

Hi, Dale. ..will lower the lights.

At that exact moment, Paul here...

Hello. ..disguised as a guest,

will feign a choking fit.

HE COUGHS

It's a decoy!

At that exact moment, Lara here...

Hi! ..will accidentally set fire to a napkin,

creating a fog of smoke

that will allow Jeremy here...

FLATLY: Hi. ..grumpy Jeremy,

to take up a position

in the wings.

Now, this is the clever bit -

the crux of the whole plan.

Haven't told anyone this.

So this is literally

the only way

this can possibly work.

Ready?

SQUELCH!

Agh!

Ah, there you are. I know you and your little gargoyle friends

think I'm the castle joke. A figure of fun.

"Oh, what's he done this time? Ha-ha."

Well, I know I'm a high achiever

who can be relied on to do good things, so,

stare all you like, but...that...is...a...fact!

Thank you!

That's it - my one ray of hope snuffed out.

I'm about to lose everything I care about.

What are you doing? Sewing.

HE SCOFFS

Of course you are.

I mean, I'm only about to rip this family apart

by being exposed as a human,

but I'd hate for that to get in the way of your hobby.

It helps me think.

Think?

It's over, Mum.

I'm about to be found out.

Unless...

Would it be the worst thing in the world

if you just...

..bit a human?

HE GASPS

Mother!

One little chomp.

I'm not a vampire.

There are certain things that a human can't do.

Well, not with that attitude. It's just mind over matter.

If you can convince yourself you're a vampire,

then maybe you can find it within yourself

to act like one. It's just confidence.

I couldn't do that to someone.

It wouldn't even do that much damage.

I mean, a bite from us,

and someone wakes up the next day a vampire, but from you...

Oh, we just whisk them off home

and they'll be back at work the next morning.

HE GASPS

Then bite me.

What? It's so obvious.

If you bite me, then I become a vampire.

A vampire that can bite a human,

that can... that can pass the initiation.

I wouldn't be found out!

Forget it, Valentine. Why?!

Because I'm your mother, and I could have bitten you

at any time. So, why didn't you?

Because it's not who you are.

You didn't ask to be brought up in this castle.

You didn't ask to be deprived of friends,

of birthdays, of Christmases.

Yes, there are some things that humans can't do.

But think of all the things that you CAN.

I'm not going to be the one to take that away from you.

Mum...

Look at me.

I'm begging you.

When this initiation goes wrong,

and it will,

everyone will see that I'm not a vampire,

and Dad - it'll break his heart.

He'll never recover from this.

And I won't be able to...to live with myself

knowing that I'm the cause of it.

Well, don't expect a very big bite.

Thank you,

Mother.

Thank you.

Well, not now!

If I were you, I'd spend the rest of the day tying up any...

SHE INHALES DEEPLY

..loose ends. Loose ends?

Once this happens, there's no going back.

Certain...humans

that you won't be able to see again, once you're...

Right.

Come here.

I'll see you tonight, Val.

So this is it - my final day as a human.

My mum was spot on - it wouldn't have been right

without savouring for one final time

the rich tapestry of human life.

Not to mention the tastes.

HE SLURPS

Mm!

Thanks for this.

You're a great mum.

Oh, Val...! What a lovely thing to say!

And you're a great dad, John.

I know. Says so on this mug. He's a great dad

who still hasn't fixed the locks on the front door.

I said I'll do it! Right.

Oh! Anyone would think it was your last supper.

Maybe he's going to die and rise again.

QUIETLY: That's the plan.

The Last Supper. That won me the pub quiz at the Windmill.

Hmm. Some night that was -

from what I remember!

HE CHUCKLES

Ted let us have a lock-in.

Oh, so his locks are working, then? Right.

I'll just do it now, then. If you could.

Shall we go, then?

Go?

To the lake. For that swim.

HIGH-PITCHED: Ah...

I'm sorry. Gertie?

Yeah. I, er...

HE SIGHS

I actually can't, tonight.

Oh.

Yeah. How come?

Ah... I, uh, I just...

..can't.

Well, maybe tomorrow, then.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Maybe.

You're an incredible human, Gertie.

The best I've met, in fact.

Right...

You've taught me that...

..it's OK to be myself.

Not to be like everybody else.

And...

..I-I can't thank you enough for that.

Friends for ever. Yeah.

Weirdo!

SHE CHUCKLES

Right. Well, I should probably...

Val... Yeah.

Is everything OK?

Everything's great.

I can tell when something's bothering you.

I'm sure if you just tell me what it is,

that between us, we... I can't.

Can't or won't? Can't and won't.

Well, now I really want to know.

Please, Gertie, just...

..just forget it.

OK? Why does everything need a big discussion?

Cos I thought we were friends.

You have heard of friends?

People who share thoughts and secrets and trust.

Don't be like that. Be like what?

I've told you everything about my life -

about being bullied on school trips,

about how I sleepwalk round the garden.

Even about Dad being boring on holidays.

What?

What have you told me about your life? Nothing.

I can't tell you things.

You...you think I don't want to?

If I even tried, your head would explode.

I have more responsibility than you could possibly imagine.

I have...I have people who rely on me.

Thousands of years' worth of tradition on my shoulders.

Hundreds of eyes watching my every move.

I-I wish I could be like you,

bumbling my way through life, filling my head

with...with school dances and Simon Says.

But I can't.

Ah! I only just fixed that!

INSECTS CHIRRUP

Right...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Well,

we, er, should probably...

Get on with it?

Yeah.

Oh, I mean, if you're ready.

I'm...I'm ready.

Good.

Great.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

And you're absolutely certain

that you can't find it in yourself to bite

just one human neck? Mum!

Will it hurt?

You'll faint before the bite. All humans do.

Don't worry.

Are you sure you want to go through with this?

I love you, Valentine.

Love you too, Mum.

SHE HISSES

BATS SCREECH

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Where is he? He's late.

Anyone would think he's not looking forward to it.

ECHOING: You're the future King...King.

HE GASPS

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

I can't tell you how excited I am for your big moment.

When the teeth first puncture the skin.

Mm-hm.

Quite spongy.

All that sinew.

Yum. I find the gush can be quite dramatic,

so I'd have a napkin ready.

Will do.

I do know your little secret, by the way.

And soon...

..so will everyone.

You're a human.

You have a reflection.

You're sure this isn't one of your dreams?

Oh, I'm sure.

I know exactly what I saw.

Only one way to find out.

I feel invincible.

Part of something. Free of sentiment and pity.

When I look back at my days consorting with humans,

I can laugh.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh!

I...

I just wanted to say that, um...

Ahem!

Uh...

I, uh, I just wanted to say...

It's all right, Dad.

I know.

Well, you know.

Right.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Well...

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give to you my son and heir, Prince Valentine.

Well, first of all,

FANGS for coming!

ONE PERSON LAUGHS

Little joke there.

He got it. Yeah.

Yeah. Sounded better in my head.

Moving on.

I'd like to thank my father,

who has never, ever doubted me.

Not to mention my mother,

who made me the vampire I am today.

And to my brother, Vernon,

for always being so loyal, kind and supportive.

That's why I brought you an initiation gift.

What is it?

HE CHUCKLES

You'll see.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Uh...

Ha.

Behold,

upon this altar lies a human victim,

upon who...

..or whom...

Never sure which.

..I shall now feast.

HE BREATHES RAGGEDLY

Bon appetit.

These humans should really learn to lock the door.

VERNON CHUCKLES

HE SNIFFLES

If you can convince yourself you're a vampire,

then maybe you can find it within yourself

to act like one. It's just confidence.

Igon, let's have some light, then.

Yes, sir.

Oh, dear.

It's a full moo-oon!

HE GRUNTS

BARKING

HE SNARLS

Ahh!

HE GROWLS

HE HOWLS

Er, I think he needs to go out.

Why would he need to go out?

Oh, not...

TRICKLING

Igon! Fetch the mop!

Please, we need to focus on...

..Valentine.

Come on! You need to keep walking.

How much further?

Her house. Not far.

Because I do have a slight hernia.

Mile and a half? Two miles?

Valentine, I'm sorry I lied to you.

Ooh, sorry, could you do this later? It's my back.

But the plan wouldn't have worked

if you'd known. Wouldn't?

It didn't!

I just thought if you really believed you were a vampire...

SHE GRUNTS

It's really quite painful!

..it might be enough for you to... Bite a human neck?

And pass your initiation.

Oh, well, that worked a treat.

Agh! Oh!

Where am I? What's going on?

It's OK! It's all right.

I think you've had a little bang on the head.

How did I get here, Val? And what have you done to your hair?

Do you really want to know the truth?

HOWLING

SCREAMING

Out of the way! Out of the way, fools!

You, you, you, with me at once!

Sleepwalking?

For two miles?

Which was exactly what I just said.

Yeah. So hard to believe.

Er, it's a good thing that I was out.

Bat-watching? Mm!

As I...just...explained.

Now, we really should, er, get you home.

Don't you live that way? Or you could just go. Quickly.

So could you. Yeah, I will. Go on, then.

You go on, then. You go. Stop it! You stop it!

Simon says, "Stop it!"

Listen to me.

You didn't say "Simon says".

Simon says, "Listen to me."

Simon says,

"You really should get going."

But...Simon also says

that...he's sorry for hurting you,

and...that...

..he really wants this day to be over,

so that you and Simon can be friends again.

What does Val say? He agrees.

I mean,

Simon says, "He agrees."

Now listen.

Simon says, "Wave bye-bye."

Simon says, "Turn around."

Simon says, "Walk home."

Simon says, "Run!"

CLOAK WHOOSHES

Valentine.

Zymonzes!

My son has the power of Zymonzes!

Oh...!

Yes!

Zymon...zes.

The power to control humans

and have them obey his every word.

As the elders once wrote,

a secret lost in the mist-stroke-fog of time.

Until now.

Can you make her moo like a cow?

Moo? Yeah.

Zymonzes, moo like a cow!

DISTANT: Moo!

HE LAUGHS

Zymonzes!

ALL: Zymonzes!

Zymonzes!

Zymonzes! Zy...

All right, all right, that's enough, guys, that's en...

It's a father-son moment. You're kind of spoiling it.

I might not have bitten anyone, but it seems

the power of Zymonzes is way more impressive.

So, with nothing left for me to prove,

Mother can finally relax with her craftwork.

Who's that?

Oh, no-one.

..while Father gets to boast

about his family's glorious achievements.

I just want to tell you about our first-born son,

who is blessed with a power

that shall echo through the ages.

Make a copy of that and send it to everyone in my address book.

Yes, your highness. And how many will that be? Four...

Oh, that's not too many. ..hundred and sixteen.

PS. Now for the latest chapter

in our storied military history.

It was a cold night, and we managed to...

HE GRUNTS

Hm! Mm!

HE GRUNTS REPEATEDLY

As for Vernon...

I'll play a game with you.

..well, Vernon's still Vernon.

I prefer to play with myself.

So I've heard.

Play chess with myself. Mother, tell him!

During the day, I still have Gertie to teach me

what humans are capable of -

and not capable of.

I don't know if I could have done this without you.

Takes guts. Yeah, I'm proud of us!

We've proved something just by coming here.

Definitely! Makes you wonder if we even need to...

TOGETHER: ..bother with the swimming!

Exactly! Not necessary!

As long as we know we could have done it.

It's not something daft,

like vampires saying they can turn into bats.

They can turn into bats.

They can't.

If it was an animal of an equivalent size, maybe.

Otherwise, where would all the molecules go?

The bat just might be very dense.

Which would make it very heavy.

How would its wings generate enough lift?

CHANTING: Zymonzes! Zymonzes!

Only problem - I'm now revered by the vampire community

for having the power of Zymonzes.

One for another day.

The way I see it, apart from Wilf's pride...

You'd tell me if I'd done anything embarrassing, yeah?

Nothing that I can think of, no.

Oh! Goo-ood.

Good, good, good. Yeah.

..no-one got hurt.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0