Original subtitles

So... Any good ones?

Uh, yeah. Your Uncle Jim sent a card,

with a voucher.

From Woolworths?

Uh, yeah.

They've been out of business for 20 years.

Someone should tell him.

What are you doing? I have to make it look

like I've been running, or I'll never get away with it.

I suppose the other way to do it would be to just...

..do the run.

On my birthday?!

I don't think so.

Any more?

One from...

..Nan. Oh!

Says, "Have a smashing day. See you tomorrow."

I think it's a threat because

she's drawn a line of stitches.

You mean kisses?

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Yeah.

Oh, and there's a...a picture.

Bless! You'd like my nan.

She's a real fountain of knowledge.

Aww!

We always say that my grandmother is

the Keeper of Legends,

the custodian of those whose remembrances

dwell on the myths and stories

that bind the present to the past.

Mine knows a lot about Strictly.

Oh, I can hear the leader.

The trick is, you let the first one go,

and then you just settle for silver or bronze.

Mm, that's big of you!

It'd be cheating otherwise.

Oh, sorry. That's my cue.

Catch you later!

According to The Vampire's Handbook,

a vampire should interact with humans only when killing them.

Consorting with humans is strictly forbidden,

but when you're not a vampire and you're a week away

from failing your initiation test,

you need all the friends you can get.

GUY: I spy with my little eye

something beginning with...

..S.

S.

S!

Is it sky?

He's a genius.

It was sky.

Again. That's not all we spied.

We saw you with someone.

Ah!

Um...

Let's just say

you didn't see me with her.

Right you are. With who?

With the friend I wasn't with.

So you weren't with her? No, I was.

That's what I thought. I'm saying

that's what you didn't see.

So we didn't see you not with someone.

Yeah, exactly.

Which means we did see you... with someone.

Classic double negative.

No. You didn't see me.

With who didn't we see you?

With anyone! So you were on your own.

Good! But we didn't see that.

On the contrary.

No, not on the contrary.

That's what you did see.

You didn't see me with anyone.

In fact, let's just say that you didn't see me at all.

Ever? Not ever.

Just today.

Absolutely.

Good.

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

Think about it.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Ah. Taking your hand off the piece - that's your move.

Is Wilf OK?

I thought I heard him earlier.

SHE INHALES DEEPLY

Wilf had a minor mishap,

and I'd appreciate your being delicate with him.

What do you mean by mishap?

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Well, it's the most embarrassing thing

that could have happened. Tonight's a full moon,

and whilst he was turning into the wolf,

there was a lunar eclipse,

which seems to have interrupted him

before he could fully, uh...

He's half and half.

Oh.

Oh!

How are you feeling, Wilf? Oh, Wilf!

Yeah, fine. Why wouldn't I be?

You said it yourself - it's not even that obvious.

OK, fine, I'll admit it -

there was a minor hiccup in my transformation.

I've been told it will last a day at most.

So this is as permanent as a bad hair day.

Yet, for some reason, everybody's suddenly really...

Oh, for crying... Oh...

Wilf, look at yourself!

Sorry, I had no idea my...

..other half was doing that. Bad dog.

Apologies, I'll get that cleaned up.

Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Being a vampire is more of a dietary choice,

whereas I'm a chimera.

A hybrid that spans the chasm

between man and monster.

Wolf isn't really a monster, is it, now?

What else would it be?

Animal. Like a leopard or a...

Pelican. Oh, yeah, pelican.

Yeah. Like the world-famous were-pelican we've all heard of -

half-man, half-waterfowl,

that stores fish in the fatty bit of its beak.

I'll have you know that humans quake

at the very thought of me!

But do they...? Valentine!

I can't remember the last time he scared anyone.

How-w-w-w-w...

..dare you?! Sorry about the howling.

I had no idea that was coming.

Oh, it's very frustrating.

OK...

Vampire King smashdown!

What?! No! Father! All of your pieces are gone!

You're not allowed to do that!

HE SIGHS

I don't understand.

It's not bloody working.

You see, this is what happens

when you don't protect British manufacturing.

Yeah, prices fall, but so do standards.

You light the other end, love.

Yeah, I know that, Susan.

How are you supposed to celebrate

if you can't set off a few bangers, eh?

A few? I wish my dad would make

this much of a fuss for my birthday.

Oh, they're not for my birthday.

They're for my birthday.

These ones are for... Victory Day.

Celebrating our brave resistance

against the vampire overlords.

Do your parents go this mad on Victory Day?

Dad celebrates like this every year.

Every day's a Victory Day in our house.

TWIG SNAPS WHINING HOWL

Did you hear that? Ah, it's probably just a dog.

WHISPERS: Dog... Dog?!

Completely different animal. Completely different.

You two, seen Valentine?

Depends who with.

We haven't seen him

with the friend he wasn't with.

But without her, we have.

Friend?

I think that went very well.

Friend.

Hello, Gertie.

OWL HOOTS

Father?

Father.

Father? Father.

Father? Father?

Father. Father. Father?

I can hear you.

Oh, good. Father,

if a vampire were to be consorting with humans,

would you be angry?

Angry? No, no, no, no, no.

Well, obviously I'd have

the traitor's fangs pulled from their mouth, one by one,

their skin scorched and branded,

their name uttered once, never to be spoken again -

but I wouldn't say angry.

So if I knew of someone... Well, then,

you've had one of your dreams. No! No! I...

You are not being chased by a jester,

you do not have rubber arms,

and no-one is consorting whith humans.

Now, begone.

Papa is meditating.

BELLS JANGLE

IGON: Attention!

SIREN WAILS

Wilf's missing! Wilf is missing!

HUBBUB

Has anyone seen Wilf?

HE GASPS

This much we know.

Person of interest -

Whilf.

Whereabouts -

unknown.

But if he's in the hands of humans,

who knows what they're doing to him?

That was rhetorical. As far as I can see it,

we need to know these three things.

Where he is,

his location

and the place he is...now.

Which, arguably, is

just one thing,

but I always like my lists to be three things.

I always think one thing feels basic,

two things feels like I've started a list

but not finished it.

Three is that magic number where you think,

"Ah, that's the beginning of a list."

Actually, just thinking about it, it is just...

One thing? Yeah. Anyway.

Everybody, I need you on this.

We shall call this Operation-n-n-n...

Werewolf? No!

Yes. Great name. Now, think.

Why would Wilf just disappear?

Well, because you ridiculed him

and told him he wasn't up to terrorising anyone,

so he's probably gone down to the human village

to show he's still got it.

You don't know that.

If there's one thing I've learned

about men, as a woman,

it's that when a chap has his manhood questioned,

he'll try to prove himself,

or he'll sit on the end of the bed and cry.

Well, that was once, and I had hay fever.

Operation...

...Where...

...Werewolf.

Wilf.

I present to you the telescope.

Now, let me just check if it's working properly.

Um, no, I think it's faulty.

Oh... VERNON: Other eye.

Ah. Yeah. It's fine.

Fool! Sorry.

Oh, I've never seen one of these!

Really?

I'm a queen - if something's far away,

I simply have someone bring it closer to me.

What's that?

VERNON: Let me see. Ah!

What is it, Father?

My word. That is a stake.

They look like they're going to tie someone to it

to burn or lash them.

Haven't actually lashed anyone for ages.

Poor Wilf! Exactly.

We must mount a rescue.

We'll hit 'em with everything we have.

A blitzkrieg of shock and awe -

meaning total annihilation.

Let's not be hasty.

If we attack them, who knows what they'll do to Wilf?

We need to be smarter.

Let's not be hasty.

If we attack them, they could do anything to Wilf.

Mm. We need to be smarter.

IGON: I like that. Great point, sir.

Very good idea, Father. That's a great idea.

Well done, Dad. Humans despise us.

Approach them as vampires,

and they'll never let us through the door.

But what if they thought they were talking to a human?

Espionage.

Well...

A beautiful woman enters town.

Mysterious, alluring.

Mm. A femme fatale.

A dead Frenchwoman! What?

Soon she'd have those men wrapped around her finger

till they tell her everything she wants to know.

Well!

Touch the right nerve, and any man will squeal.

Well, that happened once,

and you hadn't filed your nails.

But you can't go. You're the Queen.

HE GASPS

I shall go.

BOTH SCOFF

Hmm...

Maybe I should go.

Unthreatening. Inconspicuous.

Why not all go?

Who would suspect a whole family is there to spy?

It'll be the perfect cover story.

It was only now,

coming up with human alter egos with my family, that I realised

quite how clueless they are about humans.

Marmaduke?

Marmaduke St John.

Why Marmaduke?

Well, it's a very common name among humans.

I feel like I've heard of a lot of Marmadukes.

I really don't think it is.

How would you know?

Anyway, what should we wear?

Oh! We've got those human clothes in the closet.

Do you remember that family of hikers?

They came knocking on our door...

..1970?

They wanted to know if we were a campsite.

Yes! They were vegans.

They wanted to know if we were.

Soon answered that question.

THEY CHUCKLE

No, but they were delicious.

Just don't look at anyone.

Follow my lead and let me do the talking.

Ah!

Good day, sir.

All right? Is there to be

a public spectacle this evening?

Just a bit. Try coming back at last orders.

And would I be right in thinking

somebody is getting lashed?

You would be right in thinking that, yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Absolutely leathered, mate.

THEY LAUGH

Hey-hey!

Oh, Victor, what are we going to do?

Don't worry, my love. Don't worry.

We just need to find who's in charge.

I think it's this way. I know just the house.

Follow me.

Let's go!

Walk like a human.

I'm not getting a scent.

Wilf?

Come out.

I don't like this. I do not like this. I feel naked.

GERTIE: Hi, Mum.

SUSAN: Oh, hello, darling! VERNON: There it is.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. What's wrong?

Oh! Nothing!

Just, uh, just thought, why don't I run on ahead

and make sure that we're not walking into a trap?

What?

Good thinking.

Initiative.

Infiltration.

TV IS ON

Sorry, do you mind?

There's a really good documentary on

about dahlias I'd really like to...

Oh, that's nice.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Oh, that'll be your gran.

I'll get it. Oh!

That's a nice arrangement.

Where are your parents - in there?

Quickly, quickly! Go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

That's it. That's it.

Hi.

I just need you to listen. Oh, I'll put the kettle on!

Yeah, yeah. Wear what you like. Just...just listen.

Now, I don't have a lot of time,

but my parents and brother are outside...

Aww!

Oh, we'd love to meet them! Yes!

That's the thing, John. I have to put a spread on.

Wear what you like! Th-The thing is,

I haven't been completely honest.

And I haven't told my parents I've been coming here

because they don't like me going too far from home.

And I just think that if...

We won't say anything. No!

Cover your ears, Susan,

but I once bunked off Scouts for an entire week.

Mad times.

Sure sounds it, John. Wha...?

No. Look, I just think it's best to pretend

that, uh, that you're not in.

OK. Thank you!

Mm.

What on earth was that about?

HE SIGHS

Hi! Well? Anything to report?

Uh, looks like no-one's home.

I've, uh, tried knocking,

but, er, yeah, no answer.

HE CLEARS THROAT

See?

Ohh! Hello!

Hello! Uh, we are new to the village.

You don't know us, but we have some questions to ask

about the, um...

Uh, uh...

Village.

Oh! Come in, all of you! Aww!

We'd love to! Yes! Thank you, but no, honestly!

What a funny little house.

You shouldn't have! You shouldn't!

This is ridiculous for a chap my size. Go back.

You're all wrapped up warm!

Anyone would think you're off to visit Ben Nevis!

Nah, never met him.

Come in.

What a poky little home.

Ah!

Oh...

Ahh!

Sorry to intrude! Not at all!

A little curious, having a look round the village there,

and couldn't help but notice you've had a stake erected.

The bonfire. You're going to burn him?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, no, so we are thinking of, um, knocking through,

just to make it a bit... a bit more open plan.

She likes...

..storage.

Oh!

Not much for you there. Just the man cave.

Oh?! You have a cave? Oh, yes.

Nothing quite like it, huh? Nope.

A howling black void, where no-one ever leaves.

No-one leaves this one either,

but that's cos they don't have Sky Sports.

I'm like, "Guys, come on, it's almost 11.

"Go back to your wives.

"We've all got work in the morning."

I know the feeling, John.

On with the tour, friend. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, what is it... what is it you do?

I...

..um...

I'm an air-traffic controller.

Oh. Interesting.

How'd you get into that one? Well,

firstly, uh...

I like air traffic, obviously.

Yeah.

And also controlling things.

Uh, I love to air-traffic control.

I am partial to an aeroplane. Well...

A340s, 737s, 747s.

I like the 932...

VICTOR SMACKS LIPS

..the 688...

Mm-hm? ..the 12,

and the 77777... Hello!

Is your banqueting hall through here?

Our...? Banqueting hall.

Oh, you mean our dining room.

She does. Yes.

Um, we just call ours the banqueting hall

because we...we're so very greedy!

THEY LAUGH

Well, thank you so much for having us

and, uh, all the local information,

but we should get going now. Come on, mate.

And, John,

thank you for your hospitality and for showing me around

your humble abode. Good God,

your hands are cold, man! No, they're not!

Susan, feel how cold his hands are!

No, Susan, don't. No, don't bring attention

to my hand. No, it's fine!

God, you're frozen stiff! I'm fine!

Let me fix you something to eat.

No, no! No bother, no bother! It's no trouble!

We should get going. No need to be shy.

Who says I'm shy?

Hey, we've got a shy guy over here!

OK! Get your food out!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh! That'll be Mum.

Who's this?

QUIETLY: Mother-in-law. Oh, right.

Not a fan? No.

Oh, hello.

Friend.

Hello, Gertie.

Mm, this is delicious, Susan.

CUTLERY RATTLES

Mm. Hm.

Ah, lovely.

Decent food.

Mm.

Delicious.

Mmm.

Like his ketchup, does he?

Seems so.

You must try some of this black pudding.

It's made entirely of...

Blood! Lovely!

It's a bit of a local delicacy, isn't it, John?

It is.

VALEETA: You mentioned burning someone.

Oh, something, really.

Yeah. It's Victory Day. Victory Day.

We always have a big celebration,

don't we, Susan? Yes.

Custom that dates back 150 years,

celebrating the day

we vanquished a pack of vampires.

I'll get the book.

HE CHUCKLES WRYLY

He's just getting his little book.

Now, when you say vanquish...

Oh, we absolutely trounced them.

Tanning of a lifetime.

A famous victory over that scum.

Scum?! Well...

They are vermin. I actually call them vermpires,

don't I, Susan? Er, yeah.

We killed a whole pack of them. It's the stuff of legend now.

Well, these things tend to get exaggerated

over the years.

Er, what do you mean, "exaggerated"?

Were any vampires actually killed,

or did we...

..just burn one of their cloaks ever so slightly?

Just an incy-wincy burn?

Burn one of their cloaks?! I'm not sure I follow.

Still an amazing achievement.

Something to be proud of, John.

But I always think it's best to be accurate

when telling stories,

rather than hanging a whole day...upon a lie.

Oh, it's no lie. Look.

Stakes through the heart.

Chopped into bits.

Let me look, John!

I just, uh...

Oh, he looks familiar, doesn't he?

HE SPLUTTERS

Oh, yeah!

I can't see a similarity.

This looks like your wife. Nah!

Silly little girl! What a coincidence.

How funny!

Not funny, really, Susan. Just an observation.

A wrong observation.

I love this picture.

You can tell from his face he's absolutely terrified.

Face could mean anything!

Crapping himself.

HE SCOFFS

You've got a big mouth, little man.

I'm sorry?

Looks nothing like me. Victor!

My apologies.

Must have been the cheese.

Hello, friend.

Hello!

What say you and me have ourselves a little chat?

A little chat about what? Oh, come now.

Meetings with your new friend.

Fun adventures, long chats.

You're not in trouble.

Oh, I know I'm not!

SHE CHUCKLES

But I pieced a few things together,

and, rest assured, I know everything.

I'm sorry, but...

..I don't really know who you are.

Oh, but he does.

Put it this way - I'm family.

Family?

Mm, he said he had no family.

Well, he would, wouldn't he?

I don't particularly like your tone, if I may say so.

Well, if I offended you, I apologise,

but I am right, aren't I?

Look, I'm a widow.

There's no law against me making new friends

or having a social life.

It's just... Go on.

Let it all out.

My daughter is very protective of me.

It's not long since I lost Trevor, her father,

and, well, she likes to keep tabs.

But all we're doing is meeting up

on Wednesday nights in the pub.

He's teaching me to play bridge.

Is he?

There, there. Doesn't that feel better, Gertie?

Gertie?

For me, anyway. I think the whole thing is

a very complex and nuanced argument.

Sorry about Dad.

Um, he's a bit...

Oh, mine's the same.

He hates vampires even more than the rest of us.

He stood for council as an anti-vampire candidate.

Did he get many votes?

Including Mum?

One.

So he forgot to vote for himself? Yeah.

VICTOR: Doesn't have to be complicated.

I just wish they'd killed more of them.

I don't know what it's like for you,

but since they took over the castle,

what they've done to us is just disgusting.

They've killed I don't know how many people.

VALEETA: I suppose they just need to feed.

I mean, do we get a say in it?

No! No. They think they can just march in here

and just kill us as they please.

Yep. It's like our lives

aren't worth anything. Well...

What is this?

Oh, it's a lovely chicken wing.

Oh, so you just march on in and kill them

like their lives aren't worth anything?

Anyway!

I think what your mother doesn't quite understand is

that there is a difference

between killing people

and killing animals that have only been bred

so that we can eat them. Mum!

No, it's all right, love. I think

what your mother doesn't quite grasp is

that she's being a bit hypocritical. Ooh!

So...that stake built in the village -

it's not...not for a werewolf you found?

Werew...?! Werewo...?

Not seen a werewolf for months, have we?

Nothing in the last day or so?

I think we'd remember, pal.

THEY CHUCKLE

SHOUTING OUTSIDE

What is that commotion outside?

It's the vampire burning.

You're going to burn a vampire?

Oh, yes. Annual tradition.

Well, it's just something for the kids, really, isn't it?

You do it for children?!

JOHN: Well, yes. I think they light it at nine, don't they, John?

Oh, shall I put some hot chocolate on?

Wear what you like!

CROWD SHOUT

VALEETA: Come on!

This does not look good.

We have to do something.

CROWD SHOUT ANGRILY

In you go! Curse you, humans!

Do you recognise him?

No, but the cloak suggests he's Transylvanian.

Impressive fangs.

You can tell by the blood he's recently fed.

We're going to get you out of here.

Is this is part of the show?

Who the hell do they think they are?!

How did they find you?

Uh, it was a competition in the paper.

Is this...part of the show?

What clan are you from? Clan? I...

I don't recognise you. Are you from the Morovicis

or the Ludovics?

Wait there - are you a Bludnik?

I'm from KPMG.

The Kapayemgees? The Kapayemgees?!

You're not Prince Lugosi?

Kevin Holmroyd.

I'm Head of Auditing.

This is part of the show...?

Are we sure he's a vampire?

VICTOR SCOFFS

Use your eyes, boy! Look at him!

GATE RATTLES

Wait there! The gate! The gate is open!

They haven't locked it, the fools! Kevin, stand back!

Yeah, well, of course it's not...

Kevin, out you come! We'll get you out of here.

I think I'm supposed to wait for the mayor.

Never mind the mayor!

You need to turn into a bat and just fly away.

Kevin, fly!

Go, Kevin! Go!

Go, Kevin! Fly! Don't look back!

Off you go, Kevin! Begone, Kevin!

Tell the world your story, my friend.

Guys! Guys! Wilf?!

Guys! What the...?!

Uh, well, it was, uh, it was a full moon,

and, uh, I did what werewolves do.

I wrought havoc, and I fed on the blood of a local farmer.

Made a bit of a mess, as you can see.

I feel bad for the guy,

but some creatures cannot be tamed.

Is that blood, Wilf?

Mm?

Fine. OK.

Uh, I approached the town,

and I saw a squirrel, right? And I think

the wolf part of my brain made me chase it up a tree.

And the human part was too scared to get down,

so, yeah. Yeah, fine.

I was stuck in a tree.

And when I came round, I was back in human form

with absolutely nothing on from below the waist.

Just caught a glimpse.

Yeah. Definitely part werewolf.

And some boys had to help me down.

No shame in that. Nice lads.

They brought me some ice cream because my blood sugar was low

and I spilt some raspberry sauce on my top.

No big deal.

And since then, I've been hiding in the undergrowth

until it was dark enough to head home. OK?!

And for your information,

when I was seen, I did terrify the locals.

They screamed.

And that proves that I am capable. OK?

Is that not just because of...?

I would leave it. I'll leave it.

Shouldn't have played my ace there.

If I let you win some tricks, you'll use up your entries.

See, Father, just as I s...

VICTOR CLEARS THROAT

Hm.

Ah.

HE CLICKS TONGUE

The boy's a fool.

Vernon! Home!

YELLS: Come!

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