Original subtitles

THUNDER RUMBLES

THUNDERCLAP

SNORING

THUNDER RUMBLES

ROARS

BOY WHISPERS: Dad, I need the toilet.

What?

I need the toilet, Dad.

You are 15 years old.

Why didn't you go before we left the castle?

I didn't need it then.

HE SIGHS

I don't suppose you have a toilet he could use.

SHE WHIMPERS

DOOR OPENS

HE SIGHS

TINKLING

I see you have a keen eye

for tat.

SHE WHIMPERS, TOILET FLUSHES

Much better.

You going to carry on with the, uh...?

Not now!

BAT SCREECHES

It's...

Lovely home.

So, that's another hunt I ruined.

Pretty embarrassing when your dad's the King.

BAT SQUEAKS

Because, while royals are the last people

you'd expect to prey on vulnerable women,

for a vampire, it's a show of strength,

which means I've got some explaining to do.

Uh...

PIANO PLAYS

Mother, Father,

about the little hiccup on the hunt earlier.

I just wanted to...

That's not us, love.

Oh!

WHISPERS: So who are they?

It's just some bats.

So why have them in the house?

You can see the potential for confusion.

I received a letter from King Vladimir of the Urals.

His boys wiped out a whole congregation.

They've had a massacre named after them.

One wonders if his sons

would forget to go to the toilet.

Vernon understands.

Valentine's the heir to your throne.

You can't very well give it to his younger brother.

Well, at least Vernon looks like a vampire.

True. I do have a Dracula quality about me.

When we visited Carpathia,

a lot of people said that I looked like a count.

They're not wrong.

I don't even know if Valentine likes blood.

Like it? I love it.

It's probably my favourite drink.

Mmm, exquisite choice, by the way, Father.

Type A, but lightly churned due to poor circulation,

with notes of...lavender?

Mm-hm. So, European mainland,

circa 1700,

perhaps from the neck of a Flemish merchant.

Very good. You're up.

I am thirsty,

so this is...perfect, innit? Mmm.

HE SLURPS

HE RETCHES

HE RETCHES

HE EXHALES

That...

That is...

..a wonderfully sweet...

Dry. ..vintage,

drawn from the neck...

HE SNIFFS

..of a humble...

Aristocratic...

..an aristocratic...

..haemo...

..sexual. ..philiac.

VICTOR GROANS Very drinkable. Lots of body.

Shouldn't they sieve that out?

God, this is awful.

Valentine's just a late developer.

There were things you couldn't do

when we were first married.

HE CHUCKLES

That happened but once,

and I was awfully tired.

He's 15, and what is he - 3ft 3, 3ft 4?

Depends on the shoes, but...yeah.

Mother's right - I am a late developer.

Don't like blood, can't turn into a bat.

And look at me -

the fangs of a 15-year-old vampire

should be three-eighths of an inch long.

Mine are half that.

At my age, I should be able to bite through

a 4oz slab of leather...

..but when I tried it...

LAUGHTER

..I ended up with my teeth stuck in a throne,

and then a face full of bum sweat.

And when you're heir to the throne,

people want answers.

How was the King's hunt, Your Highness?

Well, that's not for me to...

But you were there to observe. Victims?

One. Blood type?

I'm trying to think.

B, O?

No, just trying a new aftershave!

HE LAUGHS

Yield?

Hmm? How much blood was taken?

Can't you just put, "Hunt went well"?

Well... "Hunt went well."

They've not even noticed I'm gone.

Anyone would think I'm the Invisible Man.

You're not the Invisible Man.

The Invisible Man's the Invisible Man.

WOMAN: Oh, the name's Viv.

Gosh. Didn't even know he was there.

Oh, no, I'm a woman, so it's a...

If I may, your Highness, you are not invisible.

As your butler,

I'm keeping an eye out for you, night and day.

You are my sole priority.

No ifs, no buts.

Oh! Something shiny!

Arrgh!

It's at this point I remember

there's something else I've not learned yet.

Flying.

And what's most annoying,

apart from the fact that I'm falling to my death,

is that my younger brother mastered it ages ago.

Is there any better feeling than flying through the sky?

You're an inch off the ground.

It's still the sky. No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. It's not, mate.

No, flying isn't something I've mastered.

Unfortunate when you've just fallen off a balcony.

HE SCREAMS

Whoa!

Oh, my word! VALEETA: Mind out for that light!

My boy flies!

HE CHUCKLES

I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

Fly, boy wonder! Yes, boy, yes!

Did you see that turn? Look at him soar!

KEYS CLANG

HE GASPS

I flew!

I just flew!

Through the...the... Through the sky!

You were only a couple of feet off the ground.

Still the sky.

Look, he honestly thinks that one little flight means

that he's ready for his initiation ceremony!

HE LAUGHS

My son is ready for his initiation ceremony.

I completely agree. Oh, Victor,

you do get overexcited.

Well, that was once.

And those pyjamas were very silky.

Oh, he's only had one successful flight.

I think we should probably wait until his fangs have come through.

Nonsense, darling!

Carpe noctem. Seize the night!

He shall be initiated at the next convening

of the Blood Council.

Walk with me, son.

My boy. My sweet boy.

HE GIGGLES

I have something very important to show you.

When my great-grandfather was initiated,

vampires flew in from all corners of the Earth.

Well-wishers lined the streets,

for when he passed his initiation test,

he would enter full vampirehood and one day become King,

to continue our dynasty's glorious reign.

Aw, what a lovely story.

He didn't pass.

Oh.

He sunk his fangs into a woman's neck.

He got rather carried away with the applause,

uh, the blood clotted in his throat,

and he choked on a scab.

He...? Choked on a scab.

Choked...? On a scab.

Well, that'd do it.

As a consequence for his failure,

my family were usurped

and forced to live in penury and shame.

It would be another 300 years before we'd reclaim the throne.

But that was very much a one-off.

Ah... All will be OK if you follow

the teachings of this.

Oh!

Er, that's my underwear catalogue.

Whoops. Ah...

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Can I?

No. Ah-ah-ah! No?

All will be OK if you follow the teachings of this.

The Vampire's Handbook.

The Vampire's Handbook.

It's not just about having no reflection

or burning to death in sunlight.

It's an essential guide that prepares a young vampire

for the biggest day of his life -

his initiation ceremony, when he'll first bite a human,

before friends, family, and, inevitably, several aunties,

who are actually just his mum's friends.

Now it's to be my turn,

and I've never seen Dad so excited.

After all, he's not an easy man to please.

These aren't my usual size, Robert.

I went for the size up

to accommodate the plumper buttock.

The what?

Er...

I have a little something for you.

The initiation cloak,

given to me by my father for my initiation ceremony,

passed down by countless generations of our family.

I...now give it to you.

Look at you. It's perfect!

Obviously, there's a few little alterations to be made.

I can get my tailor on those.

Well, rather, his widow, but...

Father, um...

I'm really touched.

But you're not going to cry.

No. Good.

Ha!

Hello, darling.

HE HISSES

ALL CHUCKLE

We're sure this collar isn't too big?

We don't want him looking like a dog after an operation.

Oh, he looks fine.

Strong. Mighty.

Looks like a king!

You're a child no more, Valentine.

Which is what your father and I wanted to talk to you about.

Did we? Did you get the pamphlet?

I put it on your coffin-side table.

It was called Becoming A Big Boy.

Mmm. Well, yeah, but...

Because when a vampire reaches maturity,

he goes through certain bodily changes.

The thought of blood might excite him in a way

he hasn't felt before. Mum!

Is this really necessary? We're having a moment.

All part of reaching adulthood.

If he's not ready to talk about the bats and the beetles,

he's not ready for his initiation ceremony, Victor.

Val, if you'd like to hold off for a couple of years,

we can always postpone.

I know what you're doing.

You don't want him to be initiated.

You've got to let go.

I'm an adult vampire now.

I'm ready.

If you're such a grown-up vampire,

then you're ready to take on the responsibilities

of a future King.

Yeah. Starting this evening.

Fine. As long as it's not shaking hands

at one of those receptions, forcing a smile, while saying,

"And what do you do?"

And what do you do?

I'm a vampire,

but I used to be a muck raker.

And that involves...?

Raking.

Muck.

What, literally just raking...muck?

You see some muck and you'll just...

Rake it.

HE SIGHS

How many more?

Four. Oh, that's not too...

..hundred and 16.

HE SIGHS

I always thought

it was my father who never believed in me.

But my own mother thinking I'm not ready.

I should be getting ready for the initiation ceremony,

not nodding and smiling with muck rakers.

Oh, he's not even washed his hands.

I don't know what she's worried about. I mean,

what kind of wretched halfwit can't even pass

a simple initiation?

They would have to be absolutely abysmal.

HE CHUCKLES

Exactly.

I didn't pass mine - I must point that out.

It's how I had my accident.

I tripped over with my fangs out

and bit myself in the eye.

That's not possible.

That's what I thought. Igon!

My back needs shaving!

It's why I do this now.

Well, look, if the worst does happen...

You don't think I'm up to it either!

Well, the last time you went along on one of your father's hunts...

You know what?

I'm going to go back to that house.

I'm going to seize that human,

and I'm going to deliver her to Father personally.

Without permission?

Just watch me.

HE PURRS

Actually, don't. Mmm. Sorry.

I can't wait to see everyone's face

when I come back with a human.

So, after a quick visit to the toilet -

that's important -

I just need to check the coast is clear.

TOILET FLUSHES

Then I'm good to go.

HE WHISTLES

You, er, going somewhere, Your Highness?

Uh...

..no.

Only, you've, er, got your cloak on.

Now, now. Ours is not to chitchat and gossip.

The gargoyle stands as a warning against potential foes.

Very much first line of defence.

Oh, I thought gargoyles

were mainly spouts to drain off rainwater.

Ha! A common misconception.

In actual fa...

..a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a...

HE CLEARS THROAT

Forgive me.

MAN: Thing about me as a werewolf,

I totally get the female experience

because, in a way,

I also have a monthly cycle.

Oh, Val!

'Sup?

Wilf!

Your dad's hunt didn't go well?

It went fine.

So what if it didn't? Who cares?

I love blood as much as the next werewolf on a full moon.

Rest of the time, I like granola.

But it's like I say,

don't let the monster define the man.

Just like I don't let the wolf define...

..the "were".

Like, take the Yeti - sure,

he eats rock climbers and devours mountain goats,

but that's just one side of him.

No-one ever talks about his love of literature

or his wonderful baritone.

Or Doctor Jekyll -

yes, he's got the Mr Hyde stuff,

but in the daytime,

he's a bloody good GP.

Is this going somewhere, or...?

It's just, I heard about your initiation ceremony.

Is there any way of, uh,

swinging an invitation to the ceremony?

I swear I'll be more than respectful,

especially after the whole St Satan's Day party.

I had no idea it was a full moon. I had no idea.

Of course.

Um, I'm sure you'll look very fetching.

DISTANT APPLAUSE What's that supposed to mean?

That...that you'll look...nice.

Didn't say "nice". You said "fetching".

Why "fetching"? Fetching, like a dog fetches a stick,

like I'm a dog to you?

Dogs and wolves are completely different,

so your joke doesn't even work.

I just think he meant... He knows what he said, Trish.

Whatever I did last time,

everybody seems to find it so-o-o-o amusing.

OK, be honest - did I embarrass myself?

Pff...

WOMAN SCREAMS

HE HOWLS

Nah.

FINGERS SNAP

My mission - sneak to the village,

return to the scene of my father's hunt,

and bring the woman back here

before you can say "hero's welcome".

Although you will have to say it quite slowly.

THUNDER RUMBLES

HE HISSES

Yes?

Can I help you?

Oh!

Uh...

Where's the...where's the woman that lives here?

There's no woman here.

It's an Airbnb.

Ah.

Are you...? Hmm...?

It's a vampire. No. No!

SHOUTS: Vampire! No...!

Vampire!

HE SCREAMS

Vampire! Agh!

Vampire!

Vampi-i-ire!

Vampire!

No, Susan, I have had it with him.

Coming over here, drinking our blood,

bat droppings like...

Mini black puddings.

And now whatever this is...

With our Gertie out there - well, enough!

It's time to deal with it once and for all.

HE GRUNTS

CROWD SHOUTS ANGRILY

Come on, stick together.

BARKING

SHOUTING

HE PANTS

HE GASPS

SLURPING, LIPS SMACKING

Whoa! I-I wasn't...doing anything.

Oh!

It's OK! It's OK.

I came here to do the same thing.

You do this too?

What? Why not? I'm old enough.

You know what people are like.

That lot in the village would go nuts.

Exactly. Which is why we need to hide.

Now!

They treat us like outcasts.

We're not that different from them.

I don't think so. The only thing we do...

The one little difference.

..is we come out at night and...

..practise kissing. Drink blood. Pardon?!

Practise kissing - is that not...?

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: No! No, it is!

Yeah, I was just...

..just checking.

Ah.

On a scarecrow?!

Do you mean that there was no-one in your village

that you could practise with?!

I'm 15.

If any of my friends knew I'd not kissed a boy yet,

I'd be about as popular as a...

Vampire! Get him!

HE SQUEALS

Come here.

How do you like your stake - bloody or...?

Stop it! Gertie!

Daddy was doing a pun!

But, Dad, he's not a vampire. Open your eyes, Gert.

He's got a bat on his tie pin.

Yeah. Because I like...

..airborne rodents.

It doesn't mean I turn into one.

Well, what's he doing here, then?

He reckons...he comes here to...

..practise kissing.

Hmm? Don't you?

Here you go. Yeah.

Uh, on a pumpkin?

LIPS SMACK

Ugh...

Oof.

I've named her Mary.

Oh, Mary...

Hmm.

LIPS SMACK

OK. Well, good luck with it all. Um...

I had no idea people do that sort of thing, but, uh, yeah.

What a, uh, hilarious misunderstanding.

Gertie, follow us home now.

Everyone, stop staring. Come on.

Call it a night.

I'm Gertie, by the way.

I'm Val.

What's Val short for?

Stopped growing when I was four.

I meant the name. Oh!

Valentine, son of Victor, Lord of the West,

third of my name.

Mmm. I see why you go with Val.

You're weird.

Says the girl kissing a pumpkin.

Gertie, home! I'm going!

Thank you, for the kissing thing, by the way.

Thanks for saying I'm not a vampire. HE GIGGLES

Well, you're not, are you?

Oh, what, because I'm small?

Cos I don't have the teeth?

Cos I don't fit your stereotype?

No. Because you have a reflection.

Maybe see you around sometime.

HE BREATHES RAGGEDLY

CLOAK FLAPS

It's tradition to wait

until your initiation ceremony.

Mother!

Yes. True.

I was just...

..practising some moves.

HE HISSES

Then why let her go?

Huh?

Oh, I, um...

I was getting a very slight hum of...

..of garlic from her, and I thought,

"No. No, I'll get the next one."

Go pick up a farm wench in a bit.

Is something wrong?

No. Just, um, skimming a...a few stones.

Oh. Didn't know you knew how.

I mean, well, this one should be,

what, four-bouncer?

Five, maybe? Yeah?

WHISPERS: Bad pebble.

Mmm.

Mum...

Vampires...

HE CHUCKLES

They, um...they don't have to tick every box, do they?

You know, we...

..we're meant to have big fangs,

but Uncle Olaf's teeth fell out,

and he was still a vampire.

Just a...a vampire

who had to use a straw.

So, say there was a vampire

who was like all the other vampires,

but who happened to have, say, a...

A reflection.

You're not a vampire, love.

Of course I am.

I'm so sorry, but you're not.

Wha...?

What do you mean? I...

I drink blood. I-I flew around the room.

No, none of that was you. It was me.

With a little help from an unseen friend.

Swapping out blood for beetroot juice

or carrying you... Waah!

..to make it look like you were flying.

The Invisible Man!

Sorry, um, I'm actually a woman.

This is a private conversation!

That doesn't mean anything.

If...if your mum and dad are vampires,

that makes you a vampire. That makes me a vampire. And...

That's how it works!

Unless...

..you're not my mum and dad.

What is a mum and dad, really?

If it's someone who bathes you and dresses you

and comforts you when you're sad

and loves you every day of your life,

then we are your mum and dad.

But...

Twas a dark and stormy night.

Twas?

I was on a hunt,

flying high over the River Ouse,

when, hark, I heard a baby crying.

Looking down, I saw a house ablaze by a river bank.

I saw the baby in the doorway... BABY CRIES

..and I realised his parents were trapped inside the inferno.

I couldn't bear to see him orphaned,

so I swaddled him in my cloak and saved his life.

I mean, what else could I have done?

Put the fire out?

With what?

With water.

You just said you were on a river bank.

And because there was nothing else

I could have done,

I plucked that child from certain death,

took him home

and raised him as my own.

Perhaps I shouldn't have been so selfless.

Perhaps I should have looked the other way.

But when a child is in peril...

You were going to eat me, weren't you?

No!

Maybe. Yes. A little.

At first.

But, Val, when I looked into your eyes,

I couldn't bear for any harm to come to you.

I can't believe you and Dad,

you kept this from me all this time.

Dad doesn't know?!

He was away in Carpathia,

and he'd wanted an heir for so long!

And it wasn't easy, let me tell you.

When you're a woman over 400,

your loins start to, well...

Yeah, of... ..shrivel.

Ugh. And I just thought,

well, as long as I can pass you off as a vampire,

we won't break your father's heart.

But how did you think we were going to do that?

I just thought,

after a while, you'd learn to pick up our vampire ways.

You don't pick up being a vampire.

It's not conversational French!

We're going to have to tell him. No!

Yes! I know this has come

as a shock to you. It's a shock to me, too.

You've known for 15 years!

We can just manage to keep this between us.

Just our little secret.

Little?!

Nothing about this secret is little.

And let me tell you, it won't be a secret

for much longer,

when I'm there at the initiation ceremony,

making "mm-mm, oh, yeah, mm-mm, this tastes lovely" noises,

while trying to pretend to bite a human neck! It's just...

It's...it's not going to happen.

I've got to tell Dad the truth.

HE TAKES DEEP BREATHS

Father?

Are you busy?

Just arranging my drinks trolley

into blood type.

Right.

Lots of AB negative

just shoved to the back.

I mean, who brings that to a party?

That's, er...

It's the...it's the thing with blood.

There's...lots of different types.

At the end of the day,

they're all blood.

A bit like a family.

I don't see how that...

Well, you, um, you have your...

..your popular types,

like, uh...like King Valkar.

Ah, yes. Mastered the power of Zymonzes -

the ability to command humans to do one's bidding.

A whonderful vampire.

Quite.

Um...

Then you, uh...

..uh, you have your...

..less...good...ones.

Your Great-Grandfather Vanya.

HE SPITS

Oh.

He was a more...

.."failed his initiation" type vampire,

but he's still very much part of the family.

HE STAMMERS

There's a fondness.

VICTOR SCOFFS

There's no fondness there.

So...why have his portrait up?

That is not a portrait.

That is Vanya.

Isn't it, Vanya?

Yeah.

He was crammed in and framed, so he's on constant display.

You can't suffer eternal shame

if no-one's staring at you!

Yeah. And, er...

When a vampire brings shame upon himself,

he's supposed to suffer.

Are you suffering, Vanya?

I can't move.

I've had an itch on my nose for 150 years.

I wish I could help you.

You could scratch...

I just whish I could help.

Now, what was it you wanted to...?

Boy?

Well, that's a diddler.

Expecting to be a vampire, then finding out you're a human

is like expecting to eat a buffet

and finding out you're a sausage roll.

It calls for wise heads and smart thinking...

GARY: Guess how many I saw today?

732.

..which you don't tend to get from gargoyles.

Wow, that's a lot of clouds, Gary.

Who counts clouds...

Guess how many I saw yesterday.

..out loud... 912.

..for 13 hours?

Guess how many I saw the day before that.

One.

Yeah, it was overcast,

so I class that as just one big one.

Hardly very sophistica-a-a-a...

Pardon me.

No-one can find out the truth.

As long as I'm careful and don't give myself away,

I'll be able to keep everyone in the dark.

Which is, of course, where vampires belong.

I mean, how hard can it be?

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