Original subtitles

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

♪ BORN TO BE WILD: Steppenwolf

♪ Get your motor running

(HUMS)

(GUFFAWS)

(Oh, God.)

Be a good girl.

- Going somewhere nice? - Fish and chips, I expect.

Probably end up in the Aidensfield Arms later.

Nick... how is Jo?

Well, she's still pretty cut up.

Hardly surprising, I suppose.

- Only... - What?

At the end of the day, she's still her mother.

So?

Well, if she and Jo continue like this,

it's bound to cast a shadow over what should be a happy time for you both.

I don't know what I can do about it, Eileen.

Some things are best tackled sooner rather than later.

Open wounds tend to fester.

It's paid for, Claude.

What, it's somebody's birthday?

Yours, I'd say.

- Who's done that, then? - The lady over there.

By 'eck! Ellen Highwater!

It's a long time since anybody called me that, Claude.

Aye, you must have quietened down a bit.

By heck, how long has it been? 80 years, 90?

Well, it feels like that sometimes.

I tell you something, you've not changed much, you know.

You always did know how to flatter a girl, didn't you, Claude.

Sounds like me.

♪ And he comes back home at five-thirty

♪ Gets the same train everytime

♪ Cause his world is build round punctuality

♪ It never fails

♪ And he's oh so good

♪ And he's oh so fine

♪ And he's oh so healthy

♪ In his body and his mind

♪ He's a well respected man about town

♪ Doing the best things so conservatively

Have you seen what's been dumped outside?

One could hardly miss it!

And you just stood there and let them do it?!

What am I supposed to do, hurl myself under the wheels?

You do appreciate what this looks like for a man in my position?

What position, special constable in darkest Yorkshire!

What do you know about it, woman?!

Don't you dare call me woman!

I bet you wouldn't call her woman!

I'm not going to listen to anymore of this rubbish!

Something needs to be done... about that.

Will this help?

- Hello, Mag. - Thanks, Claude.

Here you are, love.

You realised you've still not told me what you're doing back here.

I was going to pay a surprise visit to my old friend, Monica Ashurst.

You'll need to do it through a medium.

She been in the graveyard for about six months ago.

So I've just found out.

You'd have thought somebody would have told me.

Now I'm stranded here.

No way of getting back to Sheffield tonight.

Any more news about George?

Not good. My Auntie Mary said he's really poorly.

Could be a bit of a long job, by the sound of it.

Poor old thing.

- Can you cope on your own? - Just about.

Oh, Nick's been dropping in last things, see if everything's all right.

That helps a bit.

Well, that's something, I suppose.

Mind you, from the look of him, his mind's on other things these days.

Yeah.

It must have come as a bit of a shock,

to find out she was getting a copper for a son-in-law.

I don't see why. And even if it did, so what?

As far as I'm concerned,

if that's how she feels, she can lump it.

And that's what I'll tell Dad tomorrow.

Are you seeing him?

He rang up to say he'd come over after work

to discuss a few things.

- Like what? - Pretty obvious, isn't it?

You shouldn't be like that with your parents, Jo.

Oh, what do you want me to do, Nick?

Pick up the phone and beg Mum's forgiveness?

Just let the dust settle a bit, okay?

You're gonna have enough to worry about, getting ready for the big event.

I suppose so.

I can have a word with Gina, you know, if you're alright.

See if she's got a room free here.

I can't afford to stay here.

I suppose there's always the waiting room at the station.

You don't have to do that.

I mean, I've got a spare room at my place I rent out now and again.

You know, I mean, I wouldn't charge you, naturally.

Oh Claude, that'd be wonderful.

I wouldn't go too raving mad till you see it.

I mean, it's not exactly the guest room of Windsor Castle, you know.

But I mean, if you're stuck...

Well, I am.

Drink up and I'll take you for a shufty.

DEAFENING CHAINSAW NOISE

Excuse me!

I said, excuse me!

Oh! If it isn't Aidensfield's very own answer to Fabian of the Yard.

- I want a word, madam. - Oh, yes?

About that muck you dumped on my drive.

- Which muck? - You know which!

Look, Cowley. If you can prove it was us did it, then get on with it.

Only I reckon you can't,

or you'd have got a real bobby along with you.

I'll have the pair of you drummed out of this village,

if it's the last thing on earth I do!

Well, then. Let's just hope it doesn't ever come to that.

Eh, Cowley, love?

Now then. This is it. What do you think?

Oh, no, this'll be fine, Claude.

Hey, it's like It Happened One Night, is this.

How do you mean?

You know, that old picture with Clarke Gable.

- Oh, aye. - Those were the days, eh?

You and me in the cuddling seats, back row of the Roxy?

Oh, that were you, eh. I often wondered who that was.

Hey!

♪ The changing of sunlight to moonlight

♪ Reflections of my life

♪ Oh, how they fill my eyes

♪ The greetings of people in trouble

♪ Reflections of my life

♪ Oh, how they fill my eyes

♪ The world is a bad place

♪ A bad place, a terrible place to live

♪ Oh, but I don't want to die

♪ Oh, my sorrows

♪ Sad tomorrows

Just have a guess where I've spent the last hour, Ventress.

Having a late breakfast?

Sitting in a traffic jam up on Roundmoor flaming Road.

The council are digging up that entire section.

Gonna be jams there for at least another month.

I thought you'd have realised, sarge.

I did realise that, Bellamy!

I also realised I asked you lot

to arrange for a special constable to be up there on duty at the rush hour

to keep the traffic moving!

We did, sarge. I made up the roster myself.

Then there's obviously been a breakdown in communication,

cause there's no special up there at the moment!

Now Bellamy, get up there and start sorting things out.

And you, Ventress...

you can dig out this mythical roster of yours,

and find out who should be on duty up there today.

Oh uh, is this a social call, Rowan?

I just called in to drop these reports off, sarge.

Oh, well, in that case,

don't let us keep you from your many more pressing duties.

Right, sarge.

Who's supposed to be on duty?

Well, well, well. Your friend and mine, Hector Cowley.

Really?

It's not like him to miss out on a bit of traffic duty.

Likes nothing more than to boss some motorists around.

There's no reply.

I'll drop in to see him on the way back.

Find out what's going on.

I'm just leaving, sarge.

Morning, Ellen.

That sizzling sounds musical.

By 'eck!

That's what they call a hearty breakfast where I come from.

Somebody being hanged, are they?

You, if I have any more of your lip!

All right for you?

Can a duck...?

I hope you don't mind.

I took the liberty of washing a few of your shirts and things.

That must've surprised 'em.

You wash whatever you like, love.

I tell you the honest truth, you know.

You don't have to rush off.

You can stop here as long as you like.

Oh! It might be quite nice, really.

See a few of the old places again.

Well, there you are, then. You suit yourself.

Thanks very much.

Don't thank me. The pleasure's all mine.

Here you are, son.

Hey! Don't do that.

Sorry.

(WHINES)

♪ THE PETE BEST FOUR: Knock On Your Door

♪ I'm going to knock on your door

♪ Ring on your bell

♪ Tap on your window, too

♪ If you don't come out tonight while the moon is bright

♪ I'm going to knock and ring and tap until you do

♪ I'm going to knock on your door

♪ Call out your name

♪ Wake up the town, you'll see

♪ I'm going to hoot and howl like a lovesick owl

♪ Until you say you're going out with me ♪

Hello?

- Is your husband in, Mrs. Cowley? - No.

Well, any idea when he will be back?

Afraid not, no.

He was supposed to go on traffic duty this morning.

He never turned up.

Ah. Afraid I wouldn't know anything about that, constable.

Hector's policing commitments are entirely his own affair.

In any case, I haven't seen him since yesterday evening.

Really?

He said he was going over to sort out the Sutches about this.

What, you're telling me that was dumped without your permission?

Well, of course it was without our permission!

Having a pile of... outside your door

hardly a property-enhancing feature, constable.

Why do you think they did it?

I imagine it's due to the fact that

Hector and Mrs. Sutch had a certain difference of opinion of late.

What about?

One of their wretched pigs got out and vandalised Hector's winter pansies.

You know how paranoid he is about his beloved garden.

So Hector tried to organise a local petition to have them closed down,

a suggestion to which Mrs. Sutch took a violent exception.

So what happened when he went round to see them?

No idea, Constable.

I had a pill and took an early night.

Okay, Mrs. Cowley.

When you do see him,

tell him Sergeant Blaketon wants to speak to him.

Right.

What do you want?

The pig manure that was dumped on the Cowleys' drive yesterday.

Oh, yes?

We have reason to believe you may know something about it.

Really? You can prove that?

Well, not yet, Mrs. Sutch. We will be making further enquiries.

Where did you get that tunic, Simon?

He bought it!

I bought it.

Where from?

A second-hand shop.

A second-hand shop.

What's the address?

I can't remember.

Will there be anything else?

No, that'll do for now, thank you.

That told him, eh, Mam?

What were that for?

I told you there'd be trouble if anybody saw you in that runt coat!

Hang on a minute. Mam!

Them's my chips.

- Who's dead, Claude? - What do you mean?

Well, the only time you wear a clean shirt and a tie

is when you go to someone's funeral.

And not always then, eh?

When you get to my age,

you realise there's more to life than just sleeping and supping.

Oh, yeah? Such as?

Well, such as the feel of nice clean linen next to your skin.

And four square meals a day. It's lovely.

The last ???, that's what they call being married.

Not necessarily.

♪ And he's oh, so good

♪ And he's oh, so fine

♪ And he's oh, so healthy

♪ In his body and his mind

♪ He's a well respected man about town

♪ Doing the best things so conservatively

I just wondered if Hector had surfaced yet, Mrs. Cowley.

Afraid not, no.

Can I ask you something about his uniform?

What about it?

Whether any of it has gone missing.

Missing? Hardly think that likely, Constable.

Hector does rather regard his uniform

with the sort of reverence usually accorded the Crown Jewels.

Alright. Thanks, Mrs. Cowley.

When you do see him, tell him we'd still like a word.

Right.

♪ Cause his world is build round punctuality

♪ It never fails

♪ And he's oh, so good

♪ And he's oh, so fine

♪ And he's oh, so healthy

♪ In his body and his mind

♪ He's a well respected man about town

♪ Doing the best things so conservatively

My mam's not in.

It's not your mum I want to talk to, Simon. It's you.

Oh? What about?

Well this, for starters.

I told you, I bought it.

- When? - You what?

- Oh, when did you buy it? - One day last week.

You bought it as recently as that and you can't remember where from?

- HC. - What about it?

It probably stands for Hector Cowley.

Now, come on, son. Stop messing me about and tell me where you got it from.

All right. I found it.

- Oh where did you find it? - In here. This morning.

What are you after this time?

- How about the truth? - About what?

This.

Your Simon reckoned he didn't buy it in a second-hand shop after all.

But found your pigs chewing on it this morning.

So?

You don't really expect me to believe that, do you?

Why not? I mean, you know how pigs are. They'll eat just about anything.

Or anybody, for that matter.

They're not a bit picky, are pigs.

Is this Hector Cowley's tunic or isn't it?

Well, that's impossible to say, sarge, without Cowley confirming it,

but everything points that way.

Well, get him to confirm it,

and then find out what the Sutches were doing with it.

Yes, sarge.

And let's not devote our entire working week to it.

All we're talking about here is the theft of a tunic.

Oh, are we, sarge?

What was that remark supposed to have some sort of

profound significance to it, Bellamy?

Well, it does seem a bit strange.

Cowley goes over to the Sutch's last night and he hasn't been seen since.

And this morning, his jacket turns up in their pigsty.

Very strange, I'd say.

There was this case recently.

Which case?

The murder charges had to be dropped

because the body couldn't be produced.

The suspicion being it had been fed to t'pigs.

Well, you're not seriously suggesting this could have happened to Cowley?

All we've found so far is his coat, not a headless corpse!

Just making a point, sarge.

Come to think of it though,

this could present us with a rare and welcome opportunity.

What did you have in mind, sarge?

Well, to shake Sweaty Betty up a bit.

And what better way of doing it

than for three great hairy policemen to suddenly descend on her?

If nothing else, it will get Ventress out into the fresh air again.

On what grounds, sarge?

Well, that there just might be something

in this wild flight of fancy

that merits further investigation of her property.

So, lads...

Have you got your wellies with you?

By heck, summat smells good.

Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding do you?

I'll try and force it down.

Phwoar!

Jo!

Dad! I wasn't expecting you so early.

Good to see you.

Are you coming back to the cottage? I can make some supper later.

I'd better not. I don't want to be too long.

Your mother's been having a lot of headaches recently.

Since we told her about the wedding, I suppose?

I'm stiff from driving.

Why don't we take a walk?

I don't know what it is you think you're looking for

only you'll not find nowt, you know.

Then you've got nothing to worry about, Mrs. Sutch.

All I'm worried about is them poor beasts.

Only they're very particular, are pigs,

about the company they keep.

Nick.

Look at this.

Trousers!

It's standard issue, by the look of it.

What's this?

Oh, don't look at me! I know nowt about it!

Mum will just have to get used to the idea

that Nick and I are going to be married.

It's no use her coming down with imaginary ailments.

They're not imaginary, Jo.

- All right, I'm sorry. - Right.

But that's not why I came over.

There's something I've got to tell you about the cottage.

The cottage? They don't want to put the rent up, do they?

No. You remember old Hartley who died last year?

When we heard nothing, we assumed his children were going

to carry on with the arrangement. We've been renting it for so long.

But they want it back.

- They can't just evict me. - They don't have to.

The lease is up for renewal next month.

Next month? They want me out within a month?!

Just as well you're getting married, isn't it.

But not yet!

Oh, it's not your fault, Dad.

If you need any help in finding another place...

It's going to be hard in Aidensfield.

There simply aren't that many empty properties.

I'm sorry, love.

Oh, don't worry, Dad. Something will turn up.

Here you are, love.

Some nice fresh leeks planted and picked with my own lily-whites.

Ah... lovely.

Tea in the pot.

Oh, Claude, love, look at the state of my floor.

Pardon?

Well, you've making diry marks with your mucky boots.

I must have been an hour on my knees this morning.

Must have been a bit painful.

I'm sorry. I'll take 'em off.

Not in here, I hope!

Oh, no. Of course not.

Don't you start!

(WHINES)

Alright. Let's go through this one more time, shall we?

You're not denying that Special Constable Cowley

came round here to see you last night?

Why should I?

Complaining about the stuff you dumped on his drive earlier.

Complaining about stuff he alleged we dumped on his drive.

As a result of which, an argument took place, right?

Well, I sent him off with a flea in his ear, if that's what you mean.

Was that all that happened?

Or did perhaps one thing lead to another?

Isn't exactly something you're famous for, is it, Betty, self-restraint?

Right then, our Simon. Fetch it in.

- What? - You know what.

Oh, that! Right.

- Fetch what in? - You'll see.

And this wheelbarrow

is supposed to have some bearing on the case, is it?

I'd say so.

For starters, where did it come from, eh?

- Tell him where we found it, Simon. - By the pigsties.

- When? - This morning.

What's that supposed to prove?

You're the Sherlocks around here, you tell us.

Only heard things last night, did our Simon.

- What sort of things? - Noises.

Well, hardly surprising with a sty full of pigs.

No. Eating noises.

The sort of din they make when they're feeding.

Only, they'd already been fed.

What exactly are you suggesting?

Let's just say, if that great nelly Cowley

did end up getting fed to our pigs last night,

by person or persons unknown,

whoever did it would have needed a wheelbarrow

something bring ??? in.

Yeah, always assuming, of course,

it wasn't you and Simple Simon here who did it.

If we had, we wouldn't have needed no wheelbarrow, would we,

being what you might call on the spot already, like.

Especially not somebody else's wheelbarrow.

I mean, if it had been us who'd done it,

we'd have used our own wheelbarrow, won't we.

What's Alfred been up to? He's all damp.

He's just had a bath.

A bath? I bet he enjoyed that!

He was stinking the place out.

What's all that white stuff he's got over him?

Ah, now that's another thing that was long overdue.

- What? - De-lousing.

I don't know how you've managed to live around here as long as you have

without catching something.

Help yourself to a scone.

Have you done him owt?

There's summat for him, too.

Outside!

Outside?

Well, it's hardly hygienic, is it, him eating in the same room as you.

- It's time you built him a kennel. - A kennel?

But he's used to being in here! He always has done.

Well, that explains a lot.

Like why you can't sit down in a chair

without getting covered in dog hairs.

No. I'm serious, Claude. It's time that dog had a kennel.

Eat your scone.

I'm not that hungry.

ENGINE FAILS TO START

Need some help?

Oh, Maggie, it never rains but it pours.

Why? What's up?

I think I'm out of petrol.

I'll give you a lift to the garage.

Thanks, Maggie.

- So what else is up? - I've got to move out of the cottage.

- Why? - Dad can't renew the lease.

- So where are you going to go? - I don't know.

There's nothing to rent in the village as far as I know.

And I can hardly move into the police house, can I.

Well...

No.

You can have my spare room if you want.

Are you sure?

Of course I am. I'd enjoy the company.

You let me know when you want to move in.

Maggie, you're a life-saver!

So, where are the clothes now then?

On their way over to Forensics, sarge.

Well, until we hear back from them,

we say nothing about this to anybody, is that clear?

- Yes, sarge. - Especially not to CID.

Cos if this turns out to be a product of Ventress's feeble imagination,

we could end up the laughing stock of the entire division.

In the meantime, I want some discreet enquiries made

just to see if anybody else heard or saw anything funny the other night.

And Mrs. Cowley?

Has she been alerted we want to hear from Cowley the moment he surfaces?

Yes, sarge.

Right. Well, we'll leave it like that for now.

The last thing we want is for her to start getting upset.

Right, sarge.

SCREAM

SCREAM

LONG SCREAM

SCREAMS CONTINUE

What's up?

What's he doing here?

What? Oh!

I'm sorry.

You can't really blame him though. It's usually his bed.

Get him off me!

And the big bear said...

He said, "Who's been eating my...

...porridge?"

What's all this I hear about Hector Cowley then?

What have you heard?

That he came to a sticky end in Sutch's pigsty.

- Who told you that? - It's all over the village.

Oh, terrific. Alright, hold his ears.

Hold tight.

They're saying what about us?

There's an ugly rumour sweeping Aidensfield, Ventress.

That a certain special constable has been fed to Sutch's pigs.

- Really, sarge? - Yes. Really, Ventress.

And I don't suppose for one minute that either of you two bright sparks

have any idea where it came from, have you?

Not at all, sarge.

Shocking how these things seem to get out, though, isn't it, sarge.

Not half as shocking as what's going to happen

to the bigmouth responsible, Ventress,

when I happen to identify him.

A man with a deeply distrustful nature, is Sergeant Blaketon.

I've often noticed it about him.

Excuse me asking.

What's this?

It's your breakfast.

Breakfast? What's happened to all the sausages and fried bread

and black pudding and that.

It's very bad for you, all that fried food.

And you're very overweight, you know.

Well, more of me to get hold of, in't there?

No. I've made up my mind.

We're going to have to get you into healthy eating.

How long do you think you'll actually be stopping now?

Well, it's like you say, there's no rush.

The more I see of Aidensfield,

the more I realise how much I missed the old place.

I know but you know, the trouble is, you see...

Folk are beginning to talk.

Talk, Claude?

Ah, yeah. About you and me. You know, our arrangement.

What arrangement?

Well, the way we're living together, you know.

I mean, someone would think it's a bit like, over the brush.

Well, you know what I say to that, don't you? Let 'em.

After all, this is supposed to be the Swinging Sixties, right?

Right.

- Can I help you? - In what way?

Do you mind?

It's because I mind that I'm here, love.

Some sort of problem, is there?

These rumours you lot have been spreading about us, that's the problem.

It's all right, Eileen. I'll see to it.

What is it you wanted to say, Mrs. Sutch?

That we never laid a finger on him.

And we can prove it. Can't we, Simon?

We've got a witness.

What witness?

Her boyfriend.

Pardon?

My boyfriend.

He happened to be in our kitchen having a brown ???

when Cowley turned up the other night.

Well, he saw him leave unscathed and untouched.

Is this 'boyfriend' willing to testify to that, Mrs. Sutch?

- On one condition. - And what's that?

That his name's left out of it.

You see, he has a toffee-nosed little wife

who doesn't approve of our relationship.

I see.

♪ EDDIE COCHRAN: Three Steps to Heaven

♪ Now there are three steps to heaven

♪ Just listen and you will plainly see

♪ And as life travels on

♪ And things do go wrong

A boyfriend?

Sweaty Betty?

I've just spoken to him, sarge,

and he confirms everything she tells us.

In fact, his story is he stayed the entire night with her.

The entire night?

The mind boggles.

So, if something really has happened to Cowley,

the Sutches are in the clear.

♪ EDDIE COCHRAN: Three Steps to Heaven

♪ The formula for Heaven's very simple

♪ Just follow the rules and you will see

♪ And as life travels on

♪ And things do go wrong

♪ Just follow steps one, two and three

Mr. Greengrass?

All depends who wants to know.

Would that be Claude Jeremiah Greengrass?

You buying or selling?

Ellen said I'd probably find you in here.

- Ellen? - My wife, Ellen.

I'm Archie. I'm her husband.

♪ ...such a shame, such a shame

♪ It's a shame

♪ Cause I didn't want to cause you any pain

♪ But I know that it wouldn't be the same

♪ All the good times have all been in vain

♪ It's a shame, such a shame, such a shame

♪ It's a shame

♪ Cause I didn't intend to do you wrong

♪ I'd come back but it wouldn't last for long

♪ I would, if I could, but I can't

♪ It's a shame, such a shame, such a shame

- Mrs. Cowley? - Oh oh!

Oh, honestly!

You policemen!

I'm always telling Hector about that.

Creeping up on people.

I'm sorry.

There's something I wondered if you could help us with.

Oh, yes?

Do you know if this is Hector's jacket?

It could be, but then again

one policeman's uniform's very much like another.

There are some initials inside.

Ah, I suppose that confirms it.

Hector is inclined to put labels on things. Where did you get it?

It turned up yesterday,

in the pigsty over at Sutch's place.

Pigsty?

Along with a pair of police trousers, a boot,

and a policeman's whistle.

Good grief.

You wouldn't have any idea how they could have got there, I suppose?

No. Why on earth would I?

He still hasn't been back, then?

Well, if he has, I certainly haven't seen him.

- Isn't that a bit unusual? - It depends, Constable.

On what?

Whether you happened to be having words or not.

Did you and Hector have words, then?

Our married life has been one long history of having words.

Does he have any family?

A sister.

Would she know where he was?

Oh, I'm sure she would,

but I doubt if she'll help you at the moment!

- Why not? - She's away on holiday.

There's not been owt going on, you know, Archie.

Going on?

Yeah, you know. Hanky-panky or owt like that.

I mean, all I did was offer her a bed,

in the spare room, you know. I mean,

I tell you, to be honest,

I didn't even know she were married until you turned up.

- She never told you? - No, not a word.

You don't want to go worrying yourself.

We're a very liberated couple, me and Ellen, you know.

- Really? - Aye!

Besides, she told me all about it when she asked me to bring her things.

- What things? - Clothes and that.

Like she said, this stay's worked out longer than she originally thought.

Really?

A pearl beyond price, my wife.

In fact, the only thing that matters to me in the world is my wife's happiness.

And if happiness for her is moving in with you,

so be it.

Hang on, hang on, Archie. I've got nowt like that in mind.

Now, that's the $64,000 question, Claude.

What does she have in mind?

I'll tell you this.

Once that woman gets an idea in her head,

wild horses won't shift it.

Go and get two large Scotches.

The report from Forensics, sarge.

They've done all the tests. There's no sign of blood on the clothing.

Not that that proves anything either way, Rowan,

the state that clothing was in after the pigs had finished with it.

Well, there is still the wheelbarrow, sarge.

- Where's that now, then? - Over at my place.

And you had something in mind, did you?

Well, I was wondering if we might show it to Mrs. Cowley.

See if she recognised it.

Why don't we both show her, Rowan?

Right, sarge.

Ellen! I've brought somebody to see you.

Ellen?

Ellen, I've...

- Where the devil has she got to? - She's probably down the shops.

Always been very fond of her shopping, has Ellen.

- Has she? - Yeah.

What's that doing there?

I don't believe this.

Summat wrong is there, Claude?

I've been flaming robbed!

That's what's wrong!

This is the one, sarge.

Right. Well, we'll take it round to her, see what she's got to say for herself.

What do you want, Greengrass?

I want her nicking.

You want who nicking?

Her as has just robbed me.

So, there's this woman you've been shacking up with.

The moment's your back's turned, helped herself to your petty cash,

is that right?

No, it's not right, because there were no shacking up

as you call it, going on.

Well, how would you describe it then?

- She were a guest. - Oh, aye?

So how much do you estimate was taken from this box, Claude?

Well, at least three quid, could have been four.

She often goes through my pockets.

And where exactly do you fit into this sad and sordid little saga, sir?

I'm her husband.

Her husband?

Well, it seems to me, Greengrass,

you've obviously had a right little menage a trois going on at your place.

- What are you talking about? - It's French, Claude.

I know what it is and I know what it means.

It's not far short of being slander cause it weren't like that.

Of course not.

Well, are you going to do summat about it or not,

that's all I want to know?

I'll call round later and get the details, Claude.

I won't hold my breath.

- Well, what's going on, Rowan? - How do you mean, sarge?

Well, first Sweaty Betty, now Greengrass.

Is there something in the water round here these days?

♪ THE WHITE STRIPES: I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

♪ I just don't know what to do with myself

♪ Don't know just what to do with myself

♪ I'm so used to doing everything with you

♪ Planning everything for two

♪ And now that we're through

Can I help you?

What exactly you've been burning here, Mrs. Cowley?

Just a few old jackets and things.

Do you often burn your husband's clothes?

Only the ones I'm sick of the sight of.

Hector does rather hang on to his clothes

like he's saving them for posterity.

So when he's out of the way, I seize my opportunity.

Did you notice the wheelbarrow parked round the front, Mrs. Cowley?

Yes.

- Yours, is it? - No.

It was found abandoned over at the Sutch's farm.

The day your husband's uniform turned up.

Really?

So where's yours, then?

I don't actually possess a wheelbarrow, Constable.

What? In a garden this size?

The garden isn't regarded as my responsibility, sergeant.

Does Mr. Cowley own a wheelbarrow?

Oh, yes.

And unless I'm very much mistaken,

it's the one parked around the front at the moment.

All right, Mrs. Cowley. Let's continue this conversation inside, shall we?

Coppers round here are a waste of time.

I guess they know it's mine, they probably won't even bother.

Hello, Archie, love.

Ellen, my love!

How are you?

I'm fine, thank you. I brought the case, just like you wanted.

- You found us, then? - Yes, I brought some things...

Excuse me... Excuse me!

I'm sorry to break up this happy family,

but do you know about this?

About what?

The money out of my box.

There were over three quid in there when I went out this morning.

Three pound, ten shilling to be exact.

So you're not denying that you who took it, then?

Definitely not. What was I supposed to use? My own money?

Use for what?

To get all this health food stuff.

What, you meant to say you've spent my hard-earned brass

buying that load of muck?

Here's a list of everything I bought.

All accounted for.

And here's your change. What there is of it.

Well, no crime's been committed, no harm's been done.

And if you tell the police, I'm sure they'll understand, Claude.

Police?

You mean to tell me he's reported me to the police?

- Where is your husband? - I've no idea!

People don't just disappear.

You do realised, madam, you could be prosecuted for obstructing the police?

If you carry on like this.

Mrs. Cowley, your husband's gone missing.

We've reason to believe something might have happened to him.

Now will you please stop playing games

and tell us what all this is about.

The row was over her again.

Are you telling us there's another woman involved?

- His sister, would you believe? - His sister?

This time I told them.

Enough's enough. There's no way I'm going, not this time.

Going where?

With her and her husband, of course!

If you think Hector's boring, you should see him.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Cowley. I'm not really following this.

For the past decade, every year, we've gone on holiday with them.

Now, that's his sister and your husband, right?

In their dreary little caravan.

But this time, I told them. I put my foot down.

I said, I don't want to. I've had enough.

So, then what happened?

I've just told you.

I said, if you want to go, go, I said, go.

And?

He went.

What, hang on, Mrs. Cowley.

For the past two days,

you've been telling me you've no idea where he went.

I don't! They could be anywhere.

We never knew where the caravan was going to be parked, you see.

Till we got there.

She sees that as a further little treat for us, I suppose.

Our annual holiday surprise!

Well, why didn't you tell us all this in the first place,

instead of letting my constables run round like headless chickens,

thinking he might have been murdered?

Murdered...

Well, thinking about it now I should have, I suppose, but...

I was worried, you see.

About what?

About dumping his uniform in Sutch's pigsty like that.

I began thinking I'd committed an offence.

You know...

Being police property and that.

And you had, Mrs. Cowley.

Not to mention obstructing the police in the execution of their duty.

Right. You might as well have this while you're here.

It is addressed to you.

I imagine it's a letter from Hector advising you

he won't be available for duty while he's away on holiday.

- When was this written? - A week ago.

He gave it to me to post.

It was just about the time we had the row.

Another of my little jobs as dutiful wife.

Post his letters for him.

Provide stamps.

All set then, my love?

Oh, yes.

If you want to change your mind and stay a bit longer,

I've no objection.

Just take me home, Archie!

Right, love!

Thank you.

Hector, you're back!

So what's all this I heard about you wanting to change your name...

...to Lazarus?

Sergeant Blaketon is in, is he?

Only, it's about my uniform, you see.

I'm going to need to have it replaced.

I'll just go and see, all right?

- KNOCK ON DOOR - Yes.

Special Constable Cowley, sarge.

He's just back from holiday, and wanting to have a word

about his uniform.

Well, show him in, Rowan.

Show him in.

(Cowley.)

Sir.

Sit!

You, Cowley, are driving me up the wall!

Seven seconds exactly.

I thought so.

He's slowing down. Definitely slowing down.

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

subtitles by Deluxe