Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[waves splashing]

[bats screeching]

[soft suspenseful music]

Once upon a time

a fair maiden and a lad

journeyed out for a feast

with their kind-hearted dad.

But before they gave thanks

and took even a bite,

a maniac arrived like a boat in the night.

No!

He murdered, he butchered.

With few words spoken.

Leaving only the fair maiden

and her shattered heart broken.

Yes!

But he didn't get far,

that demon with a gun.

And they gave him the chair

as she ended his run.

They sent his blackened ashes to his mother, a witch,

who tracked down the maiden and left her a gift.

A box filled with spices and ashes within.

[suspenseful music]

And when she baked up her cookie...

It rose with a grin.

It mangled and murdered.

No, no!

Sweet mother of Jesus, no!

[laughs maniacally]

It bludgeoned and chopped.

[screams painfully]

The Gingerdead Man who couldn't be stopped.

[laughs maniacally]

[screams]

[laughs maniacally]

[gun shots]

Until late in the night,

when he finally met his fate.

Prince did rescue the maiden in wait.

Wait, no, please!

Stay away from me!

He's possessed!

[gun fires]

[dramatic orchestral music]

The story ended happily,

just like it should,

as the homocidal cookie was banished for good.

The bakery was sold

and the maiden was married.

The spices were stowed

as the bodies were buried.

So don't peek in the oven

at that black smoldering pan.

You just might find the monster called

the Gingerdead Man!

[laughs maniacally]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Run run run as fast as you can ♪

♪ I'm bad, I'm mean, I've devised a plan ♪

♪ I'm sick, I'm whack, I'm a maniac ♪

♪ I'm touched, I slap, I'll bust a cap ♪

♪ So run run run as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ Run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ You know what's up and he's your hatchet man ♪

♪ I kick, I claw, I bust a jaw

♪ I'm meaner than a mother-in-law ♪

♪ So run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ I'm a deviant outcast out for blood ♪

♪ Nowhere to go

♪ Your name is mud

♪ You're dead meat

♪ Your ass is grass

♪ I'm opening up a can of whoop ass ♪

♪ So run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ I'm a hateful, negative, sociopath ♪

♪ I'll tear out your heart

♪ You'll feel my wrath

♪ I'll grind your bones

♪ To bake my bread

♪ You won't fight back

♪ Cuz you'll be dead

♪ So run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ Run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ I'll take you out

♪ With a frying pan

♪ You're in my way

♪ I'm ready to brawl

♪ I'm a walking, talking wrecking ball ♪

♪ So run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ You better run and hide

♪ As fast as you can

♪ I'm out for blood

♪ It's your last stand

♪ Done me wrong

♪ Gotta pay the price

♪ Time to pay the piper

♪ Time to slice

♪ So run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ Yeah

[guitar solo]

All right everybody, back to one.

Tiny Terrors, take 36.

[clap board claps]

Lights, camera, action!

[thunder claps]

I call upon thee,

the dark lord, Satan.

Bring forth all of the fire-y power from the oven

that is your flaming sanctuary.

I call upon the element of fire.

Let the burning heat and flames

release your minions from the dark underworld.

No!

Yes, Cornelius.

Yes, Sira !

Satan thrives on pain.

Deliver unto him this new vile virgins

infertile suffering.

Braise her!

Braise her!

[laughs maniacally]

Braise her!

Braise her!

[woman screams]

Please!

Now, throw gold at her!

Yes!

Throw gold!

No gold!

More gold!

More gold!

More gold!

More gold!

It pleasures me!

[laughs maniacally]

Even still, more gold.

[woman spits]

Give her that gold!

[laughs maniacally]

Now, let the blood of this innocent flesh

be your offering.

Let her misery and extinguished life

be the essence that opens up the portal

to release your minions.

[thunder claps]

As I bare this dagger,

the instrument of your will,

may thy aim be true.

May the blood spilled on this alter

be the final ingredient to release your tiny terrors

and cause them to rise!

[woman screaming]

Ouch!

Rise!

Rise!

Rise, oh tiny terrors!

Rise!

[laughs maniacally]

Aboo raboo simboo too!

Treasure chest.

[electricity pops]

[high-pitched gibberish]

Kameroy!

Here I am!

[high-pitched laughing]

Perkulator.

[gunshots fire]

[beeps digitally]

Shit-for-brains.

[laughs maniacally]

[chanting]

And finally, Haunted Dildo.

Rise, Haunted Dildo!

Rise!

[laughs maniacally]

Welcome, oh tiny terrors!

Now go forth and spread your evil

across this debouched planet.

Go and destory humanity!

[laughs maniacally]

[haunted orchestral music]

Son of a bitch.

Goddamn cock sucker.

That's a cut.

That's a cut, people!

No, no, no, no.

The line is, "Rise up and hover

"through these cursed streets

"and suck forth the light force

"that will feed the almighty demon".

If you need me to run lines with you, bro.

I know my goddamn lines.

Clear out, clear out, coming through.

Calm down, calm down.

Hold still, Mary.

Oh, get away from me, you queen.

Calvin!

I cannot work like this.

I have been here since 8 AM,

it is now 10 PM.

I have 15 pages of dialogue to learn by tomorrow

and this ceremonial belt is killing my prostate.

I'm out of here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't go anywhere.

I've got six pages and three hours to do it in.

You can't bail on me now.

Unhand me.

Prick.

Yeah.

I want to go home, too.

And I got to piss.

Everybody just please calm down.

I'm moving as fast as I can.

Yeah, whatever.

Let's just untie our nubile young virgin

and we can all get back to work.

Come on!

We're trying to make a movie here.

Let's just hang in there.

Let's go!

Chop, chop.

Let's keep it together, people.

Miserable puppets.

Guys.

What is going on with these puppets?

You're killing me here.

What's going on is that these assholes

can't afford to do this shit right.

I mean who builds this crap?

I did.

Look.

Look, look, look.

We all agreed to do this for Calvin

because his father gave us our start

but let's face it.

The genre is dead

and so is this operation.

Cheatum international is far from dead, fellas!

This is just a little detour.

This picture is going to mark the return

of my father's studio

as a major force in the entertainment industry.

Tiny Terrors 9.

Purgatory of the Petite?

I defy you to forget a title like that.

I'd like to forget I ever met you.

[sexy jazz music]

Looks like we're going to be here

another three hours, Pauly.

Better order up that third meal.

I got something better than a third meal, stud.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

And I hope you're hungry

because I'm breaking out my big, pink box.

My sister sent us some baked goods

all the way from the great state of Texas.

You think you can handle these honey buns?

I always say,

"Nothing satiates the savage appetite

"of a North American movie crew member

"like hot and sticky sweets."

[gasps]

[suspenseful music]

Are you joking?

[cookie bangs]

These things are stale.

Hey, all right people.

Let's get it together.

We're back in 10.

I know you're exhausted.

I'm exhausted.

Hell, the whole crew's exhausted.

But look,

just calm down, would you?

You just, you just,

no, no, no.

You just hang in there.

It'll be fine.

You said this movie was going to make me into a star!

It will!

You're going to be a big star.

You said I was the most talented waitress you'd ever met!

Oh, honey.

You are exceedingly talented.

I gave you a blowjob!

You, too?

[screams]

Uh, Calvin?

Excuse me, Calvin?

You said this was going to be a walk in the park.

You said,

"Come up to the beach,

"direct the stupid puppets,

"take the cash."

Look.

I really, really like to help you save your dad's studio

but you did not pay me enough

to put up with this shit!

You get paid?

No.

He's getting paid?

No.

Ricky, wait.

Hey, everybody!

He's been getting paid!

Is that what you're telling me?

I haven't gotten around to payroll yet.

As soon as I--

Is that what you're telling me!

[both grunt]

Oh, my god!

He broke my nose!

Didn't anyone ever teach you not to hit a girl?

[screams]

[upbeat action music]

[everyone grunting]

Great work, everybody!

I'm going to be in my office

ordering pizza for everyone.

I know you're all hungry for a little something.

[suspenseful music]

Looks like my kind of place.

Ah, wait til they get a taste of me.

[upbeat orchestral music]

[dinosaur growls]

All fastened into your wheel chair.

I feel like I'm the luckiest boy in the whole world.

[coughs]

Cheatum Studios!

I can't believe I'm actually here!

Well, that's what End of the Rainbow is all about!

Making your final dreams come true.

This is your special night, Tommy.

I mean just look at this place!

Can't you just feel the movie magic in the air?

Lord and Baby Jesus--

Wait, wait, Wendy, please!

Please don't quit Wendy.

We need you.

It hurts.

But remember, pain is temporary.

Film is forever.

I just know it.

He broke my nose.

No, no, no, no.

It's going to be just fine.

Just hold on.

Let me see.

Does it look terrible?

No, not at all!

You just need to put a little ice on it.

You know what?

You look beautiful.

Really?

Uh-huh!

Do you mean it?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Do you know where I could find Mr. Cheatum?

Honey, I have a meeting I have to attend to.

Will you please just grab some coffee, take an aspirin?

I'll see you back inside?

Okay, Calvin, bye.

[laughs]

Maam, if you're here regarding the Tiny Terror

Action Figure lawsuit--

No, I'm actually--

I can assure you,

all the toys deemed toxic have been removed

from the shelves and incinerated.

And I'm sure you've heard the promising news

that almost 80% of the boy's body hair

will eventually grow back.

I need to speak to you right now.

Actually, I'm Heather Crocker

from the End of the Rainbow last wish foundation.

And?

And I'm Tommy!

It was my dying wish to see your amazing studio.

You're Calvin Cheatum!

Son of Rupert Cheatum,

the low-budget movie master!

Creator of such genre hit classics as

Beach Blanket Bludgeonry

and Maniac Drykillinger and Escape from Sloth Island!

That one was a little slow in parts, but thank you.

Are you kidding?

Your father was a genius.

I have every single movie he ever made.

He changed my life.

Or what's left of it, anyway.

Aw, don't be sad, Tommy.

Maybe you'll see him up in heaven.

She's right.

We don't have time for doom and gloom around here.

This is a place where your wildest dreams come true.

So, who's ready to see, first hand,

the magic that is Cheatum Studios?

Keep it down, asshole!

Nothing like a hot, steaming bowl

of Polly's special something something

to get you through your mid-evening fistica.

Thanks!

No, problem.

Polly's got to do her best

to keep a big, strapping boy like you well fed.

Is it hot enough for you?

Real hot.

Fucking whore.

Where the hell am I?

[suspenseful music]

I better slip before one of these shitheads get hungry.

[upbeat orchestral music]

Here we are in the historic Cheatum Studios back lot.

Wow, that's Hamburger Time-Traveler Detective!

Hey, cool it, son.

Who?

The charbroiled, hard -boiled crime fighter

created from the fusion of a hard-ridden street detective

and his lunch during a teleportation accident

gone horribly wrong.

I need to talk to you!

Marty, can't you see that I am in the process

of making this young man's final dream come true?

Well, unless you want your life

to become a living nightmare,

I think you need to give me a minute of your time right now.

Will you two excuse me for a moment?

I have some important movie industry business

I need to attend to.

Sure.

All right, listen.

The wire didn't come through from Russia today.

We have a serious cashflow problem on our hands.

Marty, we've had cashflow problems in the past.

It'll iron itself out.

Yeah the problem is,

if it does come through,

I still don't think I can catch up!

Ok, you have way too many movies in production.

You got Tiny Terrors on the big stage.

You got Space Makers in Studio B

and you have these loose ends

of all these movies you're still trying to finish!

Calvin, I say we pull the plug on 90%

of what we've got going on

and just make one really great movie!

Marty.

Why don't we just try to get through this week

and then we'll discuss cutting back on future slate.

Future slate.

We may not have one.

The script for Tiny Terrors 9

got leaked onto the Internet, okay?

People hate it.

These online bloggers and movie reviewers,

they're starting to get ferocious with you!

The reviewers love us!

They grew up with us.

My father's studio is an American institution.

Really?

Yeah.

Really? Okay.

Let's see here.

"I'd rather have lye poured into my eyes

"than have to sit through another

" half-baked Cheatum production."

Figures.

"Tiny Terrors, 9, audience nothing."

"A production so wooden, it'll give you splinters."

And here's my favorite.

"If you have trouble sleeping,

"just pop in the latest--"

All right, all right.

I get it. And those are the good ones.

There's this guy.

This movie reviewer.

Horror reviewer.

Calls himself Demon Warrior 13, all right?

He started a letter writing campaign

to boycott our movies

and all the outlets that sell them

unless we shut down production.

Come on.

How much damage can this Demon Warrior 13

actually cause?

In and Out Video cancelled their order.

Netpix cancelled their order.

The bastard!

This guy's a maniac!

We're fading away, Calvin, all right?

We need something, something big, okay?

Something that's going to draw attention to the studio.

We need it fast.

I guess it's time to get back to the blood shed.

Gourmet cookies, huh?

Hey, Polly, you getting fancy on us?

Just a little loving from the oven, baby.

[growls]

Spread out, make room for baby.

Hey, watch it, man.

Sorry, butch.

So whatcha serving up tonight, Polly?

Mmm, some sugar and spice and everything nice.

Momma and I used to make cookies together.

When she wasn't drunk, face down on the kitchen floor.

But don't you just love raw cookie dough?

Cream puff.

Boy are you going to get it.

Hey, Butch.

Get your lazy ass over here.

All right, I'm coming.

Hands off, bitch.

He's mine.

[grunts]

This studio has been in my family

for over 75 years.

You know, my father's personally responsible

for 1500 horror, sci -fi, martial arts,

and action adventure films.

And I plan to continue that legacy

with my own brand of high quality genre entertainment.

We're one big happy family.

There's no goddamn toilet paper in the shitter, again!

Dumb shit!

I had to wipe my ass with my socks.

I've had it with this dump,

and your crappy projects.

Fuck this shit hole and fuck you, too.

You hear me?

I fucking hate you!

I hate you!

Keep up the good work!

I'll see you on set!

And this is the area where we house all of our talent.

Wow!

A real life movie star trailer!

Yeah, and not just any movie star,

but Sir Ian Cavinaugh himself.

I wouldn't do that if I were you, Calvin.

Oh.

Tommy, Heather, this is Jake Jackson.

For 25 years he's been Hollywood's premiere stunt man

and professional body double.

He lives for danger.

Hey there, kid.

What you've got under the hood of that rig there, huh?

[all laugh]

I was just about to introduce Tommy here

to the star of our latest Tiny Terror's picture.

Yeah, now's probably not a good time.

Look, why don't you guys go over

to the special effects trailer, huh?

I hear they're building a giant evil pineapple!

No, no, no, no.

This is sort of a special occasion, Jake.

I think--

Look, he's holding himself up in the trailer.

He's not coming out.

Well why not?

Basically, he thinks his movie is a piece of shit.

He hates the script

and more importantly he hates you.

What are you talking about, Jake?

I've known Sir Ian since I was eight.

I used to mow his lawn.

We're practically family.

So, you sneaky, little son of a bitch!

Sir Ian, Sir Ian!

Before you say anything,

I want to introduce you to Tommy.

He comes to us from the Children's Hospital

courtesy of the End of the Rainbow Foundation.

They wheeled him all the way in here

just to meet you.

Well they wheeled him in

and they can bloody well wheel him out again.

And you and I have some business to take care of, Sparky!

Now you listen to me.

You know that I am a very busy man

with a very busy schedule.

Movies, television shows, personal appearances.

So when the son of a dear departed friend of mine calls

and asks me to do them a favor

by appearing in an independent family drama,

that is precisely what I expect it to be!

Now it is revealed to me that I have to burst into

a papier-mache castle brandishing a real

and fully loaded AK47 rifle

just to blow to bits a bunch of slime covered hand puppets!

Take it easy, Sir Ian.

It's a family drama of sorts.

After all, the Tiny Terrors are all the spawn of Satan!

Not bloody likely, mate.

[camera clicks]

So, who wants a tour of the sound stages?

Oh, got to kill, got to kill.

Where the hell am I?

A nice pair of cupcakes.

Move it, asshole!

I got to get rid of this cookie body.

I'm getting stale.

Uh-oh.

How do I transfer my soul to a new host?

Hey man, what do you want me to do with these

Satanic spellbooks?

Put them in the prop room, dip shit.

Oh, right, the prop room.

You fucking prick.

Spellbooks?

How wonderfully contrived!

[laughs maniacally]

Oh, yeah.

[suspenseful music]

[spanks]

[screams]

Evening, Doctor Callahan.

Dammnit!

Ugh, I can't take it anymore!

I'm sorry, Itsa Del Rio,

but the only way to get this gestating creature

out of your body is with deliberate

and vigorous paddling.

Initiate ass paddle sequence.

Thank you, sister.

[spanking]

[screams]

Work with us, Del Rio, work with us!

Don't you die on me, you son of a bitch, don't you die!

Let her have it!

Ow!

Take it easy back there, you asshole!

Cut!

It hurts!

[bell rings]

Okay, everybody.

Let's keep it moving.

We got a lot to do.

Excuse me, Mr. Dakota?

How was that?

Was that good?

Did you like what I did?

Was it good?

Did I like it?

Was it in focus?

As far as I can tell.

Kid, you were fucking brilliant.

[laughs]

Now, let's see.

Powers of invisibility.

Ah, completely far-fetched.

Re-animation of dead tissue?

Ridiculous!

Bringing dolls to life?

Sounds like horse shit to me!

Transmigration.

Soul to body transfer and spell.

Place a drop of blood from five separate victims

on the points of an evil pentagram.

Who wrties this shit?

After the malevolent incantation,

a final kill,

a sixth victim,

and that, the body of a virgin,

must be claimed.

Only then will transmigration be complete.

Easy as pie.

This is going to be a fucking cake walk.

[laughs]

And this is the set of my big science fiction epic,

Spacemakers 2015.

Wow!

That's David Dakoto!

His films are known for their thrills,

high concept gothic horror,

and subtle homoeroticism.

How's this for the lunar space walk?

Love it!

Okay guys, keep moving.

Let's bring in the remote control robot

for the Kung Fu sequence.

Calvin, I got good news.

Great!

Well, sort of.

Okay, I just got a call from this company.

They need an office to shoot a few pick-up shots in.

So?

So, I said they can use one of ours.

I got $3,000.00.

It's enough to stay afloat for another day, okay?

Who knows, maybe by then

the wire will come through, okay?

What I'm saying is I can rob Peter to pay Paul

and then I need to think of another way

to keep everything going for a while.

You're a genius!

Thank you.

What are they shooting?

Does it really matter?

Three grand, they're shooting a movie.

It's a love story.

It's called Donkey Punch Office Party.

It's a porn film.

They're going to be shooting in your office.

No pun intended.

Did they pay you cash?

Yes.

Then tell them to have a great shoot.

I told you everything would work out!

From here on out it's smooth sailing!

[suspenseful music]

[laughs maniacally]

Now we're cooking!

[robotic movements]

What is this?

We're waiting on just you, you know?

Listen, I'm an effects shlaper,

not a miracle worker, all right?

I'm telling you,

this thing needed to be completely rewired.

I mean the receiver unit on it is totally shot.

Is there anyway we can get shit rig

to get this thing going?

Shit rigging shit, right?

Exactly.

Listen, I think what we should do

is move the controlling to the chest,

I'll hardwire out the ankle.

I think we might get a better signal.

It might work.

All right, I'm desperate.

Let's just try it.

See what we can do.

Great work, everybody!

Get off my set, Mary.

Mr. Cheatum?

When can I see the Tiny Terrors?

It is getting a little late for him.

Maybe we should take him to see the little puppets.

Sure!

I can't wait to see his look

when he sees them face to face.

You have really pretty eyes.

[dramatic orchestral music]

One down, four to go.

Who's next on the hit parade?

I love a parade!

♪ La la la la la la la la la la la ♪

Would you get your big ass back on set?

Don't fuck with me, fella!

No, no, no, don't!

This ain't my first day at the rodeo!

Nothing like a little slice of fruit cake!

[laughs maniacally]

Wahoo!

I like to say,

"A well fed crew is a happy crew."

Can I interest you in a bottle of water?

Or perhaps a rice cake?

Hey, I know her!

You're Polly Bonderhoof!

She was a scream queen in the early 80's.

Was is the keyword there, bright eyes.

Well it's nice to meet you.

This is Tommy and I'm Heather.

You were in Biker Bitches from Beyond and Back!

I'm surprised you noticed me

without my cattle prod!

We like to keep everyone in the Cheatum family working!

I didn't know you were an actress.

There's a lot you don't know about me, Tiger.

Well, what happened?

Well what happened happened, baby.

A botched set of implants.

It's a cruel sentencing on a woman

who makes a living off her bosoms.

Well, it was certainly nice meeting you.

Where did you say those puppets were?

Can I have your autograph, Miss Bonderhoof?

And that's at no charge,

you cute little billiard ball!

You take real good care of yourself, young man.

If you get hungry later,

you know where Polly is.

Thanks Miss Bonderhoof!

[camera clicks]

Attention Tiny Terror crew members.

We're going to break for another 10

when we try and get Sir Ian out of this trailer, again.

I could use a little help out here, guys!

[door bangs]

[sighs]

Time for a little maintenance, old girl.

Oh, what have we here?

[suspenseful music]

[straightner clicks]

[carton thumps]

[laughs maniacally]

I'm getting too old for this shit.

Oh, fun!

[straightner gets louder]

Well that story is partially true,

but I was eventually acquitted of all charges.

Of course.

Lord Astrof's evil layer!

It looks so much bigger on TV.

I guess the Tiny Terrors

are back in the special effects shop.

Wow, what an amazing life you have.

It must be so much fun doing this for a living.

It is.

Your job is really...

So, this is where we're shooting

a big virgin sacrifice scene

that raises the Tiny Terrors.

Kick ass!

Seems like you really do have a fan here.

Thanks.

Maybe two, actually.

Thanks, again.

Making movies is all I know.

As far back as I can remember,

I used to watch my father run this studio.

Every day he came to work,

he had a big smile on his face

because he loved what he did so much.

[yawns]

I always knew that when I grew up,

this is what I wanted to do.

Here I am!

I just love making movies.

Now I know that the movies we make here

aren't considered art or mainstream,

but for me,

it's a passion

and for the select crowd that wants something different,

I got them lining up around the block.

Love them or hate them,

you always know at my studio,

you're in store for something you just can't see

at any regular old movie house.

I guess we both make wishes come true.

Except for Demon Warrior 13.

I mean, I just don't see what the big deal is

with me making the kind of movies

that I want to see.

If you know you're going to hate something so much

before you even open up the package,

then why bother even watching?

Well I know that I'm looking forward

to seeing what you guys have created here.

Really?

Really.

Oh, the cougar is ready to stalk her prey.

[laughs]

Meow!

[playful suspenseful music]

Hey Charlie, you've seen Nick?

No, man.

It's just like that asshole to fucking disappear.

[dramatic orchestral music]

I should have an assistant

to help me with this kind of crap!

I shouldn't be doing this manual labor!

I'm a VIP!

16 hour days, no set meal.

I've had it with these losers!

I'm a star!

I should never have thrown away my passion for jazz dance.

You try to do someone a favor

by working for less than half your rate,

and they don't even pay you that!

Soon, I'll be paying them to show up in this shit hole

when this bitch has had enough!

Try and be nice

and all they do is turn right around and fuck ya.

Right in the ass!

Ask and you shall receive!

[laughs maniacally]

Oh, oh!

[moans]

[screams]

[laughs maniacally]

That ought to teach you to eat raw cookie dough!

[laughs maniacally]

Sorry, bone head.

I need to borrow this.

[grunts]

Hey homes, did you find him?

No.

But I can smell Polly's cooking a fried bologna sandwich

which is good.

Oh I'll see ya at the table.

Yeah.

Wee, ha ha, woo hoo!

[laughs maniacally]

Oh, really good to hear my boys getting

enough roughage in his diet.

Polly.

I'm sorry about that.

Is the other bathroom full?

Oh God, open a window.

I just thought you and I

could have a little quality time together.

Christ Almighty!

My eyes are about to melt!

A lot can happen in 15 minutes.

Especially when it comes to the chemistry

between a man and a woman.

Chemistry.

I better get back to my dressing room.

I've got to pump up for the next scene, you know.

Oh, if anybody can help you pump up,

it's Miss Polly.

You know you want it!

I've seen the way you've been looking at me.

I don't remember really looking at you

very much at all, actually.

Oh, you been lookin'!

Why don't you just surrender to this

eroticism before you.

It's synergy, baby!

Synergy.

Um, I definitely need to get to work Polly--

I'm double jointed.

I just had rejuvenation surgery

on my under carraige.

Oh, God!

I'll introduce you

to every casting director in town.

[moans sexually]

Ugh, this is going to be way too easy.

Calvin?

Yes, Marty!

Sorry to interrupt.

Just finishing up my tour!

You might want to [mumbles] just a little.

Just a little.

Okay, listen.

Sir Ian is still not coming out of his trailer

and we need him for the next scene, okay?

So I could really use your help right about now.

I'll go talk to him.

We'll stop by on the way to see the puppets.

It'll be fun!

Puppets are fun.

Let's go.

This'll be fun.

[sexy jazz music]

Oh that's it!

What have we here?

Get the ankles!

Oh, that's it, that's it!

That's it, baby!

[moans sexually]

Oh, oh, honey.

That's it!

[grunts loudly]

You're gonna get an Oscar for this performance!

You like that?

Oh, Miss Polly like!

Oh, life is good.

That's it, baby!

That's it!

Oh, honey.

That's it!

Oh, that's it.

Oh that's it!

Oh, oh, honey!

Polly likes it!

Oh, fuck!

You want your cookie?

Yeah, yeah I want a cookie.

I want a cookie right now.

Eat your cookie.

I got your fucking cookie!

[moans sexually]

Oh!

[sharp horror music]

[grunts]

[moans]

[screams]

Are you ready for sloppy seconds?

[laughs maniacally]

My work here is done.

[suspenseful music]

Halfway there.

Now, where to continue the party?

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

[laughs maniacally]

Who's ready for their close up now?

Come on, man.

Get the led out!

We got to move!

Yeah, we got to move.

Because I'm giving you about another thirty minutes

before I move my fat ass out of here.

Sure thing, man.

Yeah I can really appreciate how tired you must be.

Cunt.

Looks like this tall drink of water

wants to check out early.

I think I can assist him with that.

[laughs]

Sir Ian!

It's Calvin.

Hope you had a nice rest!

Look, I've been thinking about our conversation earlier

and I'm sorry.

I guess I wasn't totally honest

about the contents of our movie.

But Sir Ian, you're so talented!

My crew loves you,

my fans love you so much

and I love you so very much, Sir Ian.

Heck, even the terminally ill Tommy here,

oh he loves you.

He loves you so very much, Sir Ian.

Hi!

You know what?

You're a part of motion picture history

and we all look up to you.

It's an honor

that you would even consider being a part of my project.

You know I've idolized you since I was a little kid?

All of my friends are fans.

Let's face it.

Even my father idolized you when he was a kid.

[screams]

[glass shatters]

Awesome!

Miserable, shivering up raisin!

Calvin can't deal with two movies at the same time!

His first and his last.

Whoda thought I'd spend the height of my career

with my hand up a puppet's ass!

This looks like my kind of joint!

What the hell?

Could it be I found myself a partner in crime?

What a piece of ass!

Hey, baby.

In town long?

Oh, you're making my loaf rise!

Damn, girl!

You got a mug on you

that only a mother could love.

Oh!

Playing hard to get, huh?

Don't you got a sweet tooth, hm?

I've got something that'll melt in your mouth!

Hell no!

Who is that?

What is this, a staring contest?

Spit it out already!

Cat got your tongue?

I'll ride you long and hard!

Come here, baby!

That's it.

That's it.

Arch your back, arch your back, hold still!

You want it, don't cha?

Oh you dirty bitch.

You want me to pull your hair?

You want a touch of it?

Who the hell is that?

Let go of my fucking arm!

Don't you like bondage?

Let's tie you to the table.

Well, if you aren't gonna put out,

I guess I'm going to have to put you out!

[screams]

[laughs maniacally]

[chainsaw revs]

[screams]

[bones shattering]

[chainsaw revs loudly]

[laughs maniacally]

Oh, have I been a bad boy?

Sorry I can't stick around for dessert!

Wow!

That's tight!

Give me your tie!

[camera clicks]

What the hell was that?

[groans]

Hold still!

Attention all crew members!

Every body is released for the day!

Please, just get in your cars and go!

Calvin, did you just call wrap?

Yes! Just get the hell out of there!

Everyone run for your lives!

You heard him,

shut this down, again.

Everybody make a run for it!

Just hold still, you're going to be okay.

Okay?

I just had my fucking hand cut off, lady!

Everything is going to be fine.

Just try not to bleed too much.

I'm calling for help!

911 emergency.

Help!

We've just been abandoned by an evil, chainsaw weilding,

possessed cookie monster!

What, hello?

Look!

Tommy!

[screeching tires]

Get out of my way!

[screeching tires]

[people panic]

Did you see it?

Run, run!

Tommy! Tommy!

Be careful!

[sharp dramatic music]

What is happening!

[screams]

[screeching tires]

Tommy?

Tommy?

Hello?

[ominous wind blows]

[suspenseful music]

[metal bang]

[maniacally laughs]

[suspenseful music]

Tommy?

Where are you?

Is anyone here?

[metal bangs]

What was that thing?

That was one of your stupid puppets, right?

Well, was it?

Our puppets never looked that ridiculous!

[laughs maniacally]

This is crazy.

[loud ominous banging]

Tommy?

Stay behind me.

Help me!

I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid!

Help me, Heather!

[door creaks]

I'm over here!

He's in the space ship, come on, hurry!

Wait!

What?

I mean, how much time does he really have left, anyway?

[gasps]

Fuck.

Tommy?

Tommy?

[metal banging]

Help me!

[metal banging]

Help!

Tommy?

Tommy?

Tommy?

Tommy!

Tommy you can come out now.

Tommy, don't be frightened.

We're just here to

You got to help me!

Oh, my god!

I was on my way to the car

and I got attacked by...

We know, we know, we know, we saw it!

What is that, What is that thing from?

I don't know!

What's that I smell?

It smells like cinnamon extract!

Oh, he's coming!

This can't be happening!

I just want to make movies!

I don't want to die!

I don't want to die!

I don't want to die!

Pull yourself together!

We got to stay inside and hide!

Trying to get out now is like a death sentence!

Go, go, go!

That thing'll tear you limb from limb!

We can escape!

We're going to be trapped here like rats, come on!

Jake, he's right!

You got to come with us, come on!

Damn you, Cheatum!

I tell ya, that cookie's a killing machine!

[robotic movements]

What the hell?

[sparks fly]

[lasers]

I told you so!

Bye, bye!

Oh, my god!

I thought that thing was a prop!

So did I!

They must have rewired it!

Damn, those guys are really good.

[lasers fire]

Nothing says lovin' like a headshot from the oven!

Get ready to have your biscuits burned!

Ah! It's him!

Come on!

[laughs maniacally]

No!

Hello, my little cherry pie!

Ready to have your bagel toasted, baby?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Demon warrior 13?

It's, it's--

Here's Tommy!

Should I say Thomas The Terror, Goldberg?

Esteemed film critic and columnist

for the internationally renowned, horror website,

bloodyfissures.com, screen name,

demon warrior 13.

Oh, shit!

Yeah.

Remember me, dickwad?

The kid who sent you countless scripts

which were callously rejected and returned unopened.

Well we really try not to accept unsolicited mail.

[gunshot]

Silence!

Tommy, I thought that you--

Yeah, you thought, you thought, you thought,

you didn't think too hard, did ya darlin'?

Do you have any idea how hard it is

to fake a terminal illness in the name of vengeance?

You have really got to have a passion

to make your point.

And tonight, Calvin, I'll be making the ultimate point.

Because your studio is about to premiere

its biggest bomb ever!

[maniacal laugh]

You like the bad pun?

You should because your movies are filled with them,

seriously!

I tried to warn you in all my scathing reviews,

but you didn't listen.

Thomas, Mr. Terror,

I don't know if now's a good time,

but I'm a really big fan of your website.

Of course you are!

I'm brilliant!

I've read literally every single screenwriting

instruction manual that exists.

I know how to make a good movie!

But do you hire the people

who know what they're doing?

No, no, no, no, no!

You're too busy making sequels.

Or following your dreams,

or hiring your friends,

all in the name of having a good time.

You ruined the Tiny Terror's franchise.

The new script sucks!

I mean anybody with a fucking brain in their head

knows that you can't kill a possessed imp

with a AK-47.

You need an exorcist for anything as powerful

as a haunted dildo.

Scorsese's probably rolling in his grave

at the thought of you and this shit rig operation.

Actually, Martin Scorsese is still alive--

I said shut up, butt sniff!

And get ready to meet my little friend.

It all ends tonight.

No more cheesy props,

no more ridiculous story lines and scenarios,

no more meandering, self -righteous monologues.

When I'm done here,

no one will ever have to watch

one of your movies ever, ever, again.

Get ready

'cause it's about to call final picture wrap!

Wait!

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

What?

But don't do that.

What you're saying is making perfect sense.

I'm a total hack.

I have no talent.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I desperately need someone like you on my team.

And sadly you've had to go to this extreme

to make me realize that I can't do this alone.

Really?

Yes, really!

Yes, you big, brilliant, cinematic genius,

son of a bitch!

I need someone like you.

We need you.

Let's face it...

Since I took over,

our movies have become total caca.

Well I mean they're not that bad.

I mean, I'm renting them, right?

I'm watching them.

I mean, obviously there's an audience

for what you're doing.

I mean, you guys have been at it

for 50 years, you must be doing something right.

You know what?

Right here, right now,

I want to offer you a three picture deal.

What?

Really?

[bomb beeping]

Well I gotta say, I'm feeling a little bit awkward here.

No, no, this isn't awkward at all.

You did the right thing.

You know what?

On Monday, we're going to create a whole new slate

just for you.

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

I mean all this time,

all I've ever wanted to do was be in the business.

I mean, you do know I live with my mother, right?

And I operate out of her basement.

No, I didn't know that.

Yeah.

God, it feels so good to finally talk about it.

I mean I'm down there,

and she's all up in my ass with,

"get a job," and "no more piercings."

And I'm like, please, c'mon, I'm 27.

I don't need her telling me what to do, you know?

You'll never have to hear her bitching at you

ever again.

You've arrived, Thomas Goldberg.

Or should I say, Thomas Terror?

Something tells me you're going to be responsible

for Cheatum Studios biggest hit!

My bad.

[screaming]

Oh my God, my fucking spine!

A little help?

A little help!

[grunts and sighs]

[storm brews]

[maniacal laughter]

You know, you two woulda been

so much better off if you just would of let me

blown ya to smithereens.

Thomas Terror you untie us right now!

But now you're going to die

surrounded by your shitty little puppets,

in the final shitty scene of your final shitty movie!

Consider it payback for all the cinematic headaches

you put me through over the years.

Maybe you shoulda reconsidered the whole,

unsolicited mail policy.

By the way, I knew you were faking the whole time.

No you didn't!

Yes I did!

No you didn't!

Yes I did!

No you didn't--

Yes I did, yes I did!

Calvin, please!

You're not helping things.

Please, Tommy, don't do this.

I don't want to die.

Just let me go and I promise,

I won't tell anybody, I swear!

Tommy, wasn't it me that took you

to all those comic book conventions?

And remember the time that I got you

and all the other kids front row seats

to the Shriner Circus?

That was me, Tommy, Heather Crocker!

I'm a human being with feelings.

I have a sister with a hair-lip!

Okay, I'm not the one who came in

and ruined his fathers movie studio.

That was him!

Kill him if you want, but please let me go!

And all this time I thought we were bonding.

Enough you bitches!

And now, before I cut out your worthless,

hopeful little hearts, I will hold you captive audience

as I read an antagonizing passage from your own

hokey, pokey spellbook, that I found in the prop room.

The same spellbook that you and Cheatum Studios

have been using since the 1950's, which, by the way,

I'll be putting up for memorabilia auction on eBay

just as I'm done killing you!

[maniacal laughter]

[thunder claps]

I call upon the powers of earth.

I call upon the powers of fire.

I call upon the powers of wind.

All right, let's skip that part.

Sacrificial heart removal,

here it is.

Before the ceremony can begin,

the executioner must first carve the unholy star

of pentagram in the palm of his own hand.

Ooh.

Okay, you know what, let's forget that part, too.

Here we go.

Demonic torture ceremony, hello!

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've found a keeper.

Excuse me, Mr. Terror,

you're not thinking straight.

You think?

In order to begin the ceremony

where the blood of a sacrifice will rejuvenate

Satan's evil house...

Sounds fun so far.

First, you must start with--

An unsuspecting virgin!

I'll make it so you never have to watch

another bad movie again!

[maniacal laughter]

Rosebud.

I got my virgin.

Thank you, thank you so much,

Mr. Gingerbread man.

Thank you.

That's Gingerdead Man, and thank you!

[wolf howl]

Can't be sure if the guy with the cut off arm

bit it or not, so I'm going to need to off one of you

as a little insurance policy to make sure I have five

victims.

Which means, I'll have to use Ron Howard over there

as my new host.

Oh, how I miss mortal flesh.

I can't tell you how hard it is

to get your groove on while you're laying

on some bakery shelf, next to a pile of apple fritters!

You're insane.

I'd even give you a second helping.

And now it's time for you and your leading man here

to get your just desserts!

[maniacal laughter]

[thunder claps]

Oh, God, I kill me.

Let's do this shit.

Huh?

What the fuck?

Who's in here with us?

You're gonna get it now, baby.

The puppets, they're coming to life!

Close your eyes, Heather.

Get your fucking hands off of me!

Don't you know sweet's are bad for you?

Let me go!

Where are you taking me?

What are they saying?

Don't touch me, hackway!

What are they doing to him?

Stupid puppets!

You're gonna bend my bread, man!

Ow.

♪ Nu-nu, na-na, almost in the middle ♪

♪ they gonna get it

Stop that, stop!

No, I'm too young to die.

No, please, please, what a world,

what a world.

Ow, that hurts a lot!

Ow, not my tootsies!

Not my yummy little tootsies.

Ow, God, that hurts a lot.

Oh, God.

Ow.

What's happening?

You don't wanna know.

[puppet chatter]

I think it's burning.

I didn't know you could do that to a cookie.

What are they doing?

Stay with me, Heather.

Stay with me.

[crying]

Addie ho!

You half baked, pint size, little shit kickers!

Look, it's Sir Ian Cavanaugh!

It's time to send you back to hell's kitchen!

[gunfire]

[yelps and moans]

[gunfire]

[thud]

[laughing]

Ah, I suppose that's the way the cookie crumbles, ey.

[laughs]

Ah, Calvin, I guess I was wrong.

I guess it did look kind of good, to say the least.

[uplifting music]

Where is everybody?

Where's the crew?

You did get all that, didn't you?

Calvin!

Calvin!

You little son of a bitch!

I should have known better than to lower myself

to work with such a rank amateur!

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Do you hear me?

Will you forgive me?

I'm a sucker for happy endings.

[uplifting music]

And now, the winner for best horror,

hand-puppet motion picture is,

Calvin Cheatum, for Tiny Terrors Nine:

Purgatory of the Petite.

Book and lyrics by Calvin Cheatum.

[applause]

So they lived happily ever after.

The story teller and his new wife,

they remembered the dead,

but more importantly, life.

And another chapter ended for the gingerdead man.

It seemed his story finished,

when their story began.

Cookies should stay inside of their jars,

not murder and kill, and hijack your cars.

So, follow your dreams,

no matter what they say.

Never listen to critics, those assholes are lame.

And warn all your children, in search of a treat,

eat all your veggies.

[ominous music]

Because you are what you eat.

[maniacal laughter]

♪ Run, run, run as fast as you can ♪

♪ I'm bad, I'm mean I've devised a plan ♪

♪ I'm sick, I'm whack, I'm a maniac ♪

♪ I'm touched, I slapped, I'll bust a cap ♪

♪ So run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ Run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ You know what's up and he's

♪ Your hatchet man

♪ I kick, I claw, I'll bust your jaw, ♪

♪ I'm meaner than a mother-in-law ♪

♪ So run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ I'm a deviant outcast out for blood ♪

♪ No where to go, your name is mud ♪

♪ You dead meat

♪ Your ass is grass

♪ I'm opening up a can of whoop ass ♪

♪ So run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ I'm a hateful, negative, sociopath ♪

♪ I'll tear out your heart

♪ And you'll feel my wrath

♪ I'll grind your bones to bake my bread ♪

♪ You won't like 'cause you'll be dead ♪

♪ So run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ Run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ I'll take you out with a frying pan ♪

♪ You're in my way

♪ I'm ready to brawl

♪ I'm a walking, talking, wrecking ball ♪

♪ So run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ You better run and hide as fast as you can ♪

♪ I'm out for blood, It's your last stand ♪

♪ Done me wrong, gotta pay the price ♪

♪ Time to pay the piper, time to slice ♪

♪ So run, run, run, as fast as you can ♪

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ I said run

♪ So run

♪ Just run

♪ Yeah

[playful music]