Original subtitles

Good day, sir.

I'm a weary traveler. Do you, perchance,

have an extra bed or sofa where I could rest?

Alas, I do not.

But you're welcome to this hard pallet of pine wood.

Not to be discourteous, but I don't think that's pine.

I'm pretty sure it is.

Whatever, I'll take it.

Thank you.

Ooh. I am parched.

Do you have any water?

Oh, as a matter of fact, I do.

I just fetched some from yonder stream.

Right.

So, is this the same stream

I saw villagers using as a commode?

The very same.

But don't worry.

The village is many paces upstream,

and as the water tumbles down toward my dwelling,

it cleans itself. That's science.

Works for me.

Hey, what's this I hear about cholera going around?

Alas, it has felled many of my neighbors.

If only we could figure out how it spreads,

maybe we could stop it.

If only.

That hits the spot.

Sam, Jay, thanks for hopping on.

No problem, Mayor Tad.

- How's the vacation? - Huh?

No, no, not a vacation.

A working trip for the people of Ulster County.

This man is deeply corrupt.

Good for him.

Thor miss the salty brine of the ocean.

Can almost smell it from here.

Pretty sure that's just the wolf urine.

I wanted to thank you two again

for helping to get my mayorship back,

and to let you know I have sold

my controlling interest in Woodstone B and B.

- What? - Can he do that?

You sold your stake in our business?

To who?

Ooh, was it someone famous?

"Chateau Chalamet" has a nice ring to it.

Get ahold of yourself, woman.

He's so small, it drives me crazy.

It's a company called Ever Creek Water.

The evil conglomerate

that won't pick up our empty water bottles?

Oh, so you know them. Great. Yeah.

They just made me an obscene offer.

Well, what does this mean

for us?

What do they want with Woodstone?

Fair question, so...

- I've texted you a number.

They will answer any questions that you have.

Hope it works out. Thanks again

for everything. I said I wanted that flaming.

I gotta go.

Great, so this huge corporation that we hate

now owns a majority of our home and business?

Should we call the number?

I guess.

Thank you for calling Ever Creek.

If you're calling about new service, press one.

If you're an existing customer, press two.

If you've received notification about

a hostile takeover of your business, press three.

Oh, three. Press three.

That's you.

HETTY: Who's ready to watch

some-- oh, look.

The bunker ghosts are here, sitting on the couch

- again. - Hey, Hetty.

You guys have been here for like five hours.

Yeah, I mean, I was happy to free you all

from your afterlife of eternal servitude to Bruce,

but you're kind of bogarting the TV, man.

Don't you have any

bunker commitments you got to get back for?

- Not really. -Ever since

the cult disbanded,

there's kind of no schedule down there.

It was oppressive but structured.

Yeah.

All you hear about with cults is the brainwashing

and the weird sex stuff. People don't talk enough

about the upsides of a predictable calendar.

Well, can we at least put on Bodices and Barons?

I believe a new episode just dropped,

as they say.

Trevor, do your finger thing.

Actually, we're kind of

in the middle of a Houdini documentary.

As you know,

I do magic, and we were here first, so...

You were here first?

You were here first?

Yeah.

I built this house.

Well, technically a group of Irish day laborers

built the house,

along with a plucky group of orphans.

She's hard to root for but we love her.

I know you bunker ghosts

were just unearthed,

so let me explain how things work on this property.

The basement ghosts

stick to the basement. The shed ghosts stick to the shed.

And the upstairs ghosts, well, this

is our domain.

Okay, but this documentary's really interesting.

Did you know Houdini died from a punch to the stomach?

Don't give me any ideas.

Okay.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Please continue to hold.

We hope you're having a refreshing day.

Representative!

Representative! We need a representative.

That's what we said. To King George.

That's called political humor.

They call this customer service?

When I was a travel agent,

I was available for my clients 24/7.

I can't tell you how many times I had to pick up a suitcase

in the middle of the night and drive it out

to some guy on the docks.

Babe, do you think that might have been mob stuff?

What? No.

Yeah, probably.

RUBIN: Thank you for holding, how can I quench your thirst

for information?

Elegant how they pull water theme

through entire customer service experience.

Yeah, um,

we just found out that our property,

Woodstone Mansion, was recently sold

to Ever Creek, and we were hoping

for some information about what that means.

Of course.

I have that information on tap.

Give me just a quick sec.

I'm scared, babe.

What if they don't want us to run Woodstone anymore?

It's gonna be okay, Jay.

I hope.

Okay, I've pulled up your file.

So, it looks like nothing's gonna change...

...for 48 hours, at which point

your home will be demolished

and construction on an Ever Creek data center

- will commence. - Wait, what?

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Yeah, can you not demolish our house?

I know, that would be great, right?

Let me put you on a brief hold while I look into that.

No, wait!

♪ Splish, splash, I was takin' a bath ♪

♪ Long about a Saturday night... ♪

Water theme continue.

This is indeed a problem, dear neighbors.

A data center? On this property?

I guess it's a whole thing.

They like to set up shop in rural areas

next to water sources.

Betrayed by the magical creek.

I don't understand.

What does Ever Creek have to do with a data center?

I thought they were a water company?

I guess there's been a bunch of mergers.

Now, they're also in telecommunications,

sports betting, weapons manufacturing.

They also have big presence in beef.

Interesting fact.

I saw something about this on TV.

Those data centers are a scourge.

We can't have that in our community.

Sorry to hit you with all this

right when you get back from your RV adventure.

"RV adventure."

That's a polite way of saying "coast-to-coast sex romp."

It was a glorious trip.

There were just so many nooks and crannies

to explore all across this great country.

No one want to think about that.

Is one reason why we threw elders off cliff.

Anyway,

we know you know local ordinances inside and out.

Do you think there's anything we can do to stop this?

Well, there might be.

If a building in Ulster County

is designated a historical landmark,

it cannot be torn down.

Great, so how do we get designated

as a historical landmark?

Well, you would have to be approved

by the county historian Joe Patterson.

I can put you in touch with him.

Thank you so much for this. We really appreciate it.

Don't mention it. Come along, Margaret.

We have an RV to deep clean.

Would be safer to just burn it.

It's just not right, tearing down a mansion

to make way for industry.

That is what working-class neighborhoods are for.

What is a data center anyway?

I looked this up online.

Apparently, it is just a big warehouse

filled with computer parts.

Oh, like a giant RadioShack?

Well, that's not bad. That's kind of great, actually.

I wonder what Tandy version they're up to by now?

8,000? 9,000?

No, this is just a giant room that is freezing cold

and extremely loud and bright, like all the time.

But where will we sleep?

I need my eight hours.

I don't know why I need it, but I do.

I guess we'd sleep in the woods?

Well, you know me, I love

a campout, but every night for eternity?

Without s'mores, or getting to pee on a fire

- in the morning? -Well, our options

are limited here. These data centers are huge.

Everything is gonna be demolished,

except probably the bunker.

Ooh, well, why don't we just ask the bunker ghosts

if we can live with them?

Right.

That may be complicated at the moment, huh?

You mean because

you screamed at them, and told them

to stick to their own domain,

which now you'd be asking to live in?

Well, maybe they're over that.

Or maybe none of this will even matter

because Sam and Jay will find a way to save Woodstone

by outmaneuvering a powerful, multinational corporation.

Yeah, I better go eat some crow.

SAMANTHA: Thank you so much for meeting with us, Joe.

As I shared on the phone,

our property has been sold to an evil water conglomerate

and they're planning on tearing it down.

That's a shame. It's a beautiful old building.

I love how you've kept so many of the original details intact.

Definitely choice, not just because

they too broke to renovate.

You know, we were told that

if Woodstone is designated a historical landmark,

then Ever Creek wouldn't be allowed to demolish it.

The criteria for what qualifies is quite specific.

Woodstone, while grand,

is rather run-of-the-mill for mansions of this era.

Dibs on telling Hetty

this guy called her house "run-of-the-mill."

Okay, well, what would qualify us?

Well, I recently awarded landmark status

to a nearby Revolutionary War-era tavern, Pierre's.

Oh, I spent many an evening there.

The leg of horse, mmm.

So tender, the meat fell right off the hoof.

But Pierre's hosted a bevy

of legendary figures from history.

Ben Franklin was a regular there.

Ben Franklin was a regular at every tavern.

You know what would have been historically significant?

If he had had a piece of broccoli.

What if I told you

someone historically significant actually died here.

That would be very interesting.

That would command my attention.

All right, we all know where this is heading.

Bertie Town.

Have you ever heard of the famous jazz singer

Alberta Haynes?

She was murdered right here at Woodstone.

Actually, I have heard of her.

- Yes! - But, no,

she's nowhere near famous enough.

You son of a bitch.

Oof, that humiliation on par

with dying with small stupid hat.

Ooh!

There's also evidence

that Isaac Higgintoot died here.

Yes. He was a Revolutionary War officer.

He negotiated the surrender at Fort Ticonderoga.

And he was... just across the street

during the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

He would have been there,

but they started earlier.

Yeah, it doesn't sound great

when you line it all up like that.

Tell them about time Isaac turn into bat

and attack Alexander Hamilton.

That was from the book.

You know that wasn't real, right?

Yes.

Dumbass.

Hey, guys. See, I told you

the water line would take us right here.

That was harrowing!

I think a snake went right through my face.

Well, if it isn't

the upstairs ghosts.

Hetty.

Uh, I came here to apologize.

I was wrong to lash out as I did.

And truth be told, I was a little--

I believe the word is-- "hangry."

She hasn't eaten since the Grover Cleveland administration.

The point is,

I do deeply regret my behavior.

Yeah, we heard about the data center.

Let me guess, you all want to move in here

now that they're tearing down the mansion?

Oh. Nothing could be further from the truth.

But now you bring it up,

it is a gracious invitation we happily accept.

I'll tell you what, we'll let you all

move in here, except for Hetty.

Hey, man, Hetty is our friend,

and we're not gonna abandon her like that.

Indeed. We are one and we have spoken.

Well, if that's your choice, then, I respect it...

...but none of you can move in.

Enjoy huddling together outside in the dead of winter.

Yeah, okay, we'll take the deal. - Sorry, Hetty.

- Can I get a top bunk? - Ugh!

Apparently, they can't tear down the mansion

if someone historically significant died here.

I might be historically significant.

I ate an orange once.

Yeah, I'm not sure that's gonna move the needle.

You should tell them your secret.

Oh, shut it, you sack of turds.

I don't want anyone to know about that.

Not even if it saves Woodstone?

Okay, so, you're saying a Viking died here.

- That's right. - Which would be

extremely historically significant.

Is nice to hear.

And you actually had remains that could prove it,

but for some reason, you pushed those remains

out into the middle of a lake and set them on fire?

It was sort of a Viking funeral.

Uh, perhaps the first one in Ulster County.

Huh? Is that something?

It is something,

just not something that can help you here.

Oh, this isn't good.

We're running out of ghosts.

Anyway, I should probably be going.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Uh, w-what about Pete Martino, who died here?

He-he was a famous local cuckold.

Okay, not my favorite way to walk into a room.

I'm not sure I know who that is,

and if being a cuckold were enough to get landmark status,

my home would have had a plaque years ago.

Feels like there's a story there.

It was wonderful meeting you two.

I'm sorry this didn't go your way.

What are we gonna do?

We are so screwed.

I heard you're looking for someone who's dead and famous.

Well, look no further.

Nancy, what are you talking about?

I've got a story to tell.

It's something I never wanted anyone to know,

but if it'll save Woodstone,

I guess now's the time to tell you.

The thing is...

I'm a princess.

Jay, Nancy just told everyone that she's a princess.

- Okay. -Yeah,

we're gonna need you to say more.

Nancy's not my real name.

I was born...

Princess Adeline Marie Dunham of Bedford.

We lived in a castle. I had servants.

I crapped in a golden bowl. The whole nine.

Mother, why must I sit for this portrait?

It is most tiresome.

We intend to send it to the Prince of Liechtenstein.

Hopefully, it will make a favorable impression,

and he will take you for his wife.

Mm, but I don't wish to marry him.

I hear he smells bad.

I mean, we all smell pretty bad,

so if you're hearing about how someone smells,

that can't be pleasant.

Don't be ridiculous.

It will be a comfortable life of teas and balls

with others of the noble class.

It is the life you were born for.

Oh, but those things don't interest me.

I wish to cavort by creeks,

run in fields, speak plainly

and, if I'm being honest, lay with many different people.

You're describing the life of a commoner.

So, I ran away.

On a royal trip to Canada, I slipped away in the night,

ditched my fancy duds and reinvented myself as Nancy.

You're the lost princess of Bedford?

I-I read about that in school. That was a big deal.

Okay, now, that sounds

- plaque-worthy. -Nancy,

why you never tell anyone?

'Cause I'm embarrassed.

It was a dumbass thing to do.

What did I think was so terrible, huh?

Eating bonbons all day? Frickin' idiot.

This whole time, Nancy was... fancy.

The problem is, Joe is gonna want proof.

What about this?

It's got my initials on it.

Nancy has a locket with her real initials on it.

Okay, but how does that help us? We need the real necklace.

Well, hell, I don't know. My cholera-ravaged corpse

has got to be around here somewhere.

Go rooting around.

So, we have to dig up your body?

Okay, I'll go

put on my grave-digging gloves.

No need. Thor has seen necklace before,

and Thor know where to find it.

You people have some nerve.

What are you talking about?

No, seriously, I do need to get caught up.

Hetty, let's be adults

about this. I get that you're upset.

Did someone eat your alfalfa sandwich

from the commune fridge,

even though you clearly marked it?

I hate when that happens.

How could you all so quickly accept that offer?

We were simply cutting to the chase.

How exactly do you figure?

Inevitably, you would have told us

to carry forth without you.

We would've objected, you would have insisted.

Back and forth it would go,

until finally, we gave in to your wish.

You're welcome.

This has been a most difficult day.

The thing I spent my life building--

my house, my life's work-- could very well be demolished.

And it shall be as though I never existed.

And it is in this darkest of hours,

that my "friends" choose to forsake me.

Are you two happy with yourselves?

I hope that sandwich was worth it.

Necklace in there.

How do you know that?

Many years ago, Thor watch Hetty's father take necklace

off Nancy's dead body, then gift to Hetty.

- Lovely. - He claim he had it made for her

by fine European jeweler.

Hetty keep necklace in there.

Oh, my God, Jay, I think this is it.

Yeah, there it is. The one thing I kept from my old life.

A.D., for "Adeline Dunham,"

which is Nancy's real princess name!

Wow, crazy stuff happening in ghost world today.

But how did Hetty's dad explain those initials?

He say it stand for "adorable daughter."

Quick thinking, Thor thought.

He awful, but wise.

Hey, guys.

I think a groundhog went through my stomach.

Oh, I hate the dirt.

What do you guys want?

We want to talk to you about the whole

"leaving Hetty out" thing.

I-It's not cool.

Yeah, cults aren't about excluding people.

They're about bringing people in,

gradually poisoning all of their outside relationships

and then not letting them leave.

And while we appreciate you agreeing to shelter us,

we could not abandon our friend to do so.

Okay. Sounds good.

Yeah, good luck with everything. - Yeah.

Oh, come on, bunker buddies.

Why can't you just take Hetty in?

She hates us and she's so mean.

- Yeah. - Very astute.

- She... - How about this?

We agree to take you in, Hetty included,

but we want our TV privileges back.

Even in the event that Woodstone is spared from demolition.

But if Woodstone were to be spared,

we wouldn't need your help any longer.

That's their point, Isaac. They're exercising leverage.

It's something I understand well from my trading days.

You guys know who Jordan Belfort was?

No.

Well, I was at his bachelor party.

So, do we have a deal?

Fine.

And thank you. We shall be on our way.

A-Actually, we'll come with you.

There's a six-part Doug Henning documentary

I wanted to jump into.

No groundhogs, no groundhogs, no groundhogs...

Right in my mouth!

Damn these dirt squirrels.

Oh, thank you again for stepping up in the end.

- Mm. - I truly appreciate your friendship.

- Oh, we could not abandon you. - Hmm.

Can you two keep it down? I can't hear Doug talk about

the wonder of magic.

But next time, don't ever make a deal without me.

- You all got hosed. - Yeah, that's fair.

Maybe sleeping outside

wouldn't have been so bad.

Although nature can be scary.

I was once eaten by a bear.

Hmm. That was tough to watch.

The cubs were cute, though, when they joined in.

Well, this is exquisite.

Late Regency. The period certainly seems to be correct.

And those are clearly the lost princess's initials, right?

True, but unfortunately, this necklace

could have belonged to anybody with these initials.

Uh-- Joe, buddy, this is close.

Tie goes to the runner. Plaque us up.

I'm just saying, it's not conclusive.

Unlike the texts I found on my wife's phone.

We didn't have texting in my day.

Otherwise, I would have figured out

the whole Carol/Jerry thing a lot sooner.

They go away for two-week trip to Bermuda, Pete.

Tell you it was for "bowling league."

Okay, there were signs.

Let me know if you're able to find more concrete evidence.

Thank you.

Okay, we need to tie this necklace to Nancy.

Well, this is a long shot,

but there's a painting of me wearing it.

What? Really? W-Where is it?

Oh, beats me.

Mother was gonna send it to that prince

so he could perv out on it,

but then I left, so my best guess is that

it's still in my family's castle collecting dust.

I mean, maybe, but it could be anywhere by now.

Nancy says there is a portrait of her wearing the necklace,

but it might be in her family's castle, or anywhere, really.

So, we have less than 72 hours to track down

a 200-year-old painting which may or may not still exist,

and if we don't, an evil water conglomerate's

gonna destroy our home and business?

You know, Sam gets most of the credit for summarizing,

- but he's not bad, either. - Mm-hmm.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org