Original subtitles

Madame Ghost Representative, we have a cabinet meeting

with Samantha in the living room.

Oh, right. Uh, thank you, Isaac.

I mean,

Mr. Vice Ghost Representative.

- Mm-hmm. - Cabinet meeting? I didn't know the ghost rep

actually did anything.

That was true under Creepy Dirk, but

under a Montero-Higgintoot administration,

we will restore the position to its original intent,

to pester and annoy Samantha with minor requests.

Jay's been cooking a lot of pancakes recently.

Could you ask Sam to tell Jay

that I would like to smell something savory for breakfast?

Trevor, it's on the agenda.

But, uh, Flower, uh, we were gonna go on walk.

Remember? I want to show you dead bee

that die in funny position.

Look like it dancing disco.

Oh, right. Shoot. I... Can we do it later?

Yeah, okay. I mean, if it not get eaten

or wind not blow it into unfunny position.

Seems sort of risky to wait, but okay, yeah.

Cool. See you later, Thor.

Man, that can't feel good.

- What you mean? - Well, it just seems

like now that Flower's big and important,

she don't have time for you.

- You're the Stedman to her Oprah. - Oof.

That's tough, but true, Trev.

Who is this Stead Man?

Well, Oprah's a very successful and powerful woman,

and Stedman is her man who's just kind of there.

But Thor First Gentleman.

And we love that for you.

Is important role in its own right.

That's such a Stedman thing to say.

She's pulling up!

Who's pulling up?

Oh, you remember that woman Paula,

the producer who shot an episode

of the docuseries Dumb Deaths here?

Oh, yeah, you played Flower,

and Jay got shot in the ass with an arrow.

That was a fun afternoon.

Well, she wants to scout Woodstone

as a possible filming location

for the upcoming season of... Pete?

It's Getting Hot in Here: All Star Edition.

By Odin's loins, yeah!

Okay, maybe curb your excitement a little, Thor.

We don't want her thinking we got bad wiring.

Yeah, I got to run. I just got to the location.

It's still run-down, but yeah, hopefully cheap.

- Sam, Jay, good to see you. - Hey, Paula.

Great to see you. I love your purse.

Ugh, yeah, it was a splurge.

I have a bit of an online shopping problem.

Every time I take an Ambien, I black out

and see the damage on my doorstep the next day.

I like this one.

She's a spitfire.

Excuse me. What is it?

Well, you tell Lacey Chabert

that we think Mrs. Claus would wear that bathing suit,

and if she doesn't come out of her trailer,

Melissa Joan Hart is circling the parking lot.

Sorry, I also produce holiday rom-coms.

Oh, my God. I love those.

- Yeah, you fit the demo. - Thank you.

I don't know that that was a compliment.

Did you by any chance produce Single and Ready to Kringle?

By the skin of my teeth. That was a tough shoot.

Our Rudolph got a little hoofsy on set.

Mm. Can I take you to your room, Paula?

Absolutely.

Hello?

Because it's called Christmas in Cabo, Lacey,

and Mario Lopez already agreed to wear a Speedo.

Yeah, I want to see how this plays out.

Sam, this is incredible. You should tell Paula

about the holiday rom-com script you've been writing.

Polar Opposites? Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, Joan read it and loved it,

and she was a professional screenwriter.

I just don't know if it's ready. What if Paula doesn't like it?

Hey, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

I said that to Jerry once at a bar

when he told me there was a girl he was into,

and he didn't think he had a chance, and--

Cheese and rice, that was Carol.

Flower, I've been thinking,

with your recent election, it would be nice

to honor the occasion with some sort of gathering.

Mm. You mean like an orgy?

Like that, in that there will be people there,

but I was thinking more along the lines of an inaugural ball.

Flower, this is a big deal,

and it deserves to be acknowledged.

I actually attended Nixon's inauguration.

Well, a riot outside,

which I thought was going to be funny

because someone was like, "It's a riot,"

but it was an actual riot.

Ladies.

Oh, hey, Isaac. Hetty was just telling me about the clothed,

nonsexual inaugural ball she wants to plan.

Oh, that's a great idea, and I could make some remarks.

I could speak about the invention of democracy,

from Athens to Higgintoot.

And I shan't steal the spotlight.

Three, three and a half hours tops.

Isaac, that... that sounds wonderful.

Unfortunately, you're far too valuable to attend.

- What do you mean? - You're the designated survivor.

God forbid, something should happen at the ball--

say, some sort of mass suck-off event--

the remaining ghosts would require a leader.

We simply cannot lose both Flower and you.

So, instead of being a featured speaker,

I'm just not there at all.

Because of how important you are.

Makes sense.

Just an update... disco bee blew away.

- Oh. - What going on here?

Well, I am planning a fabulous inaugural ball

for our Madame Ghost Representative.

I am not invited. Too important.

Wait. This feel like something

First Gentleman should be planning.

Oh, I didn't know you cared about this kind of stuff.

Well, if it about Flower, then Thor care.

It's just that, as the lady of the house,

I do have extensive experience

planning these sorts of upscale events.

Well, maybe you two could plan it together?

- Hetty, would that be okay? - Well, I...

imagine it would be valuable to have his...

- unique perspective. - Good.

We plan together then.

And trust me, Thor know parties.

Thor once throw Viking party where we slaughter caribou,

drink still-warm blood,

and then feasting on its innards.

Well, no idea's a bad idea.

So, Paula, will McNair and Jordana be back

for It's Getting Hot in Here: All Stars?

Jordana, yes. McNair, unfortunately,

is going on next season of Sex House,

which frankly, feels like no premise at all,

but people love it.

What has happened to my industry?

Knock, knock.

Just wanted to see how you were settling in.

Not true. Our girl's got an agenda.

Everything's great.

McNair's making the leap to Sex House.

- Champa's gonna freak. - So,

I know how you mentioned earlier

that you produce holiday rom-coms...

- You got this. - And I'm sure you hear this all the time,

but I am actually a writer, and I have this script.

- What's happening? - Is there any chance

you might take a look?

Well, I don't usually read unsolicited material.

But for you, why not?

Really? Thank you. Here you go.

- No. - What? - Huh?

You can't let her read that script, Sam.

- I thought you said you liked it. - I was being nice.

If this producer reads that script, you're done for.

Hey, Paula, my mom's asking,

"Will 'Brad the Assman' be on this season?"

It wouldn't be All Stars without him.

She's gonna be so happy.

You need to get that script back from her at all costs.

You know, Paula, on second thought,

maybe I could just do a quick typo pass.

- Oh, I don't care about that. - Ugh, I'm serious, Sam.

You only get one chance at a first impression.

And now, I'm actually realizing,

that's not even my script.

That's my will.

Jay, you're in for some good stuff.

Unless you're the one who did it.

What is happening?

Okay, this vamping right here,

this is gold compared to most of her second act.

Okay, if you want to do one last pass, fine.

- I have an hour in the morning to read something. - Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go see if a spray-tan booth will fit in the pantry.

They come out of those parkas looking pasty.

Love the behind-the-scenes tidbits.

Sam, what the hell's going on?

Well, Joan lied to me.

First, she told me she loved the script,

and now, she's saying it's a disaster.

I didn't say disaster. It's just not read-ready.

But we have the whole rest of the night,

and I died on a little bit of amphetamines,

so let's get out your Smith Corona

and make this puppy sing.

Are you gonna help me do a rewrite on Polar Opposites?

Yeah, it's already most of the way there, sweetheart.

We just have to put our two heads together,

like in my Siamese twins comedy, Seven Brides for Six Brothers.

Oh, we actually watched that one together.

It does not hold up.

Much like Cindy and Mindy's shared neck.

So, I hear you two are planning Flower's inaugural ball.

What are you thinking?

Well, I am advocating that the evening commence

with a series of dances.

A waltz, a quadrille,

a polka if we're feeling frisky.

Boring!

First Gentleman have better idea.

We have Sam and Jay capture Dane

and then watch as they throw frozen cabbages at head.

And I just think

perhaps Samantha may balk at kidnapping a Danish person.

Doesn't have to be Dane.

Thor would settle for

Finn or Swede.

Dutchman in a pinch.

I think these are all great ideas.

As far as decorations are concerned,

I was thinking lilies, perhaps some bunting.

- Classic. - Thor think decorations

should be more fish-based.

Well, what a shocker.

Oh, like, uh, like an "Under the Sea" theme?

No, more like fish out of the sea

and being smoked from rafters.

Will be most pungent. Perfect for party.

We will not be having

rotten fish carcasses

at Flower's inaugural ball.

Not rotten.

Cured by cold smoke.

You see what Thor have to deal with here?

Okay, okay, but hear me out,

what if we put the scene

where Nathan and Jenny kiss here?

Before the mix-up at the peppermint factory?

I don't like it, I love it.

We are bippin' and boppin'.

You really can move fast

when you don't have to literally cut and paste the paper.

Just to circle back, did you guys

hear my pitch about the locomotive engineer

- being a snowman? - Yeah,

wouldn't the heat from the steam engine

make him melt?

Okay, the mayor is a polar bear,

but sure, let's be rigorous about the laws of thermodynamics

when it comes to snowmen driving trains.

So, that just brings us to our ending.

Which I think really works now.

Y-You don't think it's a bummer they don't end up together?

No, that's what makes it fresh.

Jenny chooses herself.

It's a rom-com. Don't reinvent the wheel.

Just give the people what they want.

Okay, I think I'm gonna stick with my ending,

and if Paula doesn't like it,

that is feedback that she can give me.

Sam, I mean it.

A downer ending can ruin a whole read.

Joan, I've made my decision.

Thank you, but I'm gonna go print this out

and give it to her in the morning to read.

This is not good, Sass.

The ending is everything. Sam's gonna blow this.

Maybe Paula will like it.

You're saying Sam knows better than me?

I'm saying she's alive and might have

her finger on the pulse...

...you know, 'cause she has one.

Okay, what about this? We run a little test.

You go into Paula's dream and suss her out.

See if she has any strong feelings on happy endings

versus that nuanced mumbo jumbo Sam's been pitching.

Interesting. And then we can present Sam with the evidence.

- Okay. Yeah. It's a good idea. - Thank you.

See how easy that is to say? That something's a good idea?

We're not doing the snowman thing.

Flower.

The, uh... planning committee

is at an impasse, so we need

the Ghost Representative herself to weigh in.

Great, let's go find her.

Flower, that you.

Right. Right. Oh, cool beans.

So, as a neutral party,

Peter will lay out our competing visions, anonymously,

for you to make an unbiased opinion.

- Sure. Works for me. - Okay.

I will be presenting two very valid, viable options.

You'll have no idea whose is whose.

Option A:

we begin with dancing, then proceed to toasts,

followed by the smelling of brandy.

The room will be festooned with lilies

and filled with classical music.

Hmm, that sounds nice.

Option B, again, completely anonymous:

we will line the rafters with smoked fish.

We will humiliate someone of Northern European descent,

and we will smell copious amounts of rams' testicles.

Hmm...

Those both sound great. Um, let me think.

Ooh, tough call. I guess the first one,

- if I have to pick. - Damn it, Pete!

Why you not sell Option B good?

You totally leave out cod luge.

I guess I wasn't clear on what that meant exactly.

Like, is the luge shaped like a cod

or do the cod slide down it?

- Both, obviously! - Thor!

It does not matter who came up with what.

Flower herself has given us a direction,

and we need to honor her decision.

No. Thor not want to plan party anymore,

because apparently,

First Gentleman actually Worst Gentleman.

Ugly moment but, I got to say, nice wordplay.

So then, I went into Paula's dream

to try to find out which type of ending she prefers.

Well, what did she say?

He got no answer.

She started asking for context, and we got sidetracked.

She had a lot of questions.

Yeah, sure, it's hard to just judge an ending out of context.

We just ended up getting into a lot more details

that I hadn't planned on discussing,

and then, Mario Lopez came in

to see if she was ready for her massage,

and then, Paula asked me to leave.

Hey, guys. Today's the big day.

Oh, Joan, thank you so much for all your help last night.

I am so excited for Paula to read the script.

- I hope she likes it. - I'm sure she will, kiddo.

Yeah, and then we can all celebrate together

- at the inaugural ball. - I won't be attending.

I'll be sitting alone in the woods. Surviving.

Designated surviving.

I don't care if it's 5:00 a.m. in L.A.

I have to tell you about this idea I came up with.

I'm on with the coast.

It's a holiday rom-com set at the North Pole,

and get this, it's called Polar Opposites.

It came to me in a dream, fully formed.

Jenny Polar is in love with Nathan Opposites.

What did you do, Sass?

It was Joan's idea.

You went into Paula's dream and told her

my movie idea? How could you guys do this?

- I'm sorry, Sam. - No, it's my fault.

I-I was so desperate to prove I was right.

It's been so long since I've been in the game.

I got carried away.

Samantha, there's a simple solution to this.

Just show her your completed script.

What would that prove?

At best, she'll think that I had the same idea.

In which case, why buy it from me?

And at worst, she'll think I heard her on the phone

and had AI spit out a draft.

A.I. Rosenberg? That guy's still knocking around?

He was no spring chicken in my day.

Okay, we can figure out a solution.

There is no solution. She thinks she came up with it,

and now, my movie's gonna be made,

and I will get none of the credit.

Not so fast.

We had a term in my day, "gaslight,"

based on a 1940s film of the same name,

in which a husband convinces his wife

she's gone crazy.

That's still very much a term today.

So, here's what I'm thinking, we gaslight Paula

into thinking she's read your script already.

Okay, but how do we do that?

Oh, I know exactly how we do it.

The seeds were planted in the very first moments

she arrived here at Woodstone.

You couldn't write it any better.

Hey, Thor.

Just wanted to check on you.

You seemed pretty upset before.

Thor not upset. Thor just confused.

Not sure how anyone at party will have fun

without fish luge.

I guess I'm just a little surprised you care so much

about planning a party.

Why?

Thor love party.

Some of Thor's biggest heroes plan party.

Sven the Reveler.

And the Great Lisas--

Rinna and Vanderpump.

Thor, what's this really about?

You Ghost Representative now, and...

Thor very happy for you

but just worried that new fancy Flower

not need Thor anymore.

What are you talking about?

You need Thor spell it out?

You Oprah,

Thor Stedman.

Who's Stedman?

Exactly!

- Oh. - Look,

Thor just figure that if he plan party as First Gentleman

that it make Thor useful.

That he not get...

left behind.

Thor.

Just because I'm a little busier and have some big title now

doesn't mean you're going to get left behind.

No?

If anything, having more on my plate makes me realize

how precious the free time I do have is.

And I love spending that free time with you.

Thor love you more than Sven the Reveler loves reveling.

Which was kind of his thing.

Okay, the computer's all set.

Is Jay in position?

Affirmative. He's ready to go.

Let's gaslight this broad.

Hey, Paula. I have some fresh towels for you.

Come on in.

So, how are you enjoying your stay?

It's been very productive.

That's great.

Look, I, uh, got to ask,

what did you think of the script?

What script?

Polar Opposites.

What?

What are you talking about?

Did you hear me talking about that earlier?

I'm confused. That's the script I gave you to read last night.

Hey, Paula.

You got a delivery.

I did?

Now go, go.

I didn't order anything.

And I don't know

what you're talking about with a script.

I had a dream about a movie, Polar Opposites.

But it was my idea.

Paula, I don't want to be rude,

but are you gaslighting me?

What? No.

I think I might know

what happened here.

Um, is it possible

that you may have taken an Ambien last night?

I don't remember taking an Ambien.

You guys are monsters.

- Well done. - Yeah.

Didn't you say that sometimes when you take an Ambien

you kind of black out and online shop?

Mm.

That would explain the delivery.

Uh, I didn't order anything.

Oh, but there's a bunch of purses for sale

on your computer.

Mm.

Ugh.

That's weird.

I usually have much better taste when I black out.

Jay got that for Sam for their last anniversary.

Ooh. Swing and a miss.

Oh, my God!

"Polar Opposites. Screenplay by Samantha Arondekar.

A Samantha Arondekar joint"?

- Maybe I should... refamiliarize myself. - Of course.

Take your time.

Uh, and just for what it's worth,

I really like the purse.

I think you can wear it for a fancy night out

or, you know, even a casual trip to the grocery store.

It's dog crap.

Let her read.

Well? What did you think?

I'm completely sober and I still love it.

You are one hell of a writer, young lady.

That's a relief.

But I can't take all the credit.

- What do you mean? - I owe

a debt to the trailblazing female screenwriters

who came before me.

Okay.

It was all you, Sam.

I just helped flesh it out a little.

I do have one note though.

The ending.

It's a bit of a bummer.

Really? I thought it might be, you know,

- fresher if-- - No, no, no.

You want fresh, work at a farmers market.

We want the girl to get the guy, the guy to get the girl,

and Mario Lopez to show up at the midpoint in a Speedo.

I'm not joking.

He's got a two-picture deal.

Make that happen.

That's a good note, Paula.

People love a happy ending.

Mm. Remember? That's what I was saying.

So Mario Lopez

in a Speedo at the North Pole in the middle of winter

makes more sense than my snowman pitch?

- Yes. - Yeah, I'm gonna watch the crap out of this movie.

Thank you, guys, so much. I had a really groovy time

at my inaugural ball.

Got to hand it to you, Hetty.

That was best non-orgy party Thor ever attend.

Aw.

And I am personally glad we ended up going

with your hanging cod idea.

It was a pungent addition

to an otherwise aromatically conventional affair.

Hey!

Hey, babe. I'm trying to make cod for dinner,

- but there's none in the freezer. - Yeah,

it's hanging from the rafters in the ballroom.

- Okay. - Anyway,

big news. Paula emailed

and we are officially booked to host

It's Getting Hot in Here: All Stars.

What?!

It getting hot in here?

Yes.

My mom is gonna freak out

if I get to meet Skylar L.

And, also,

Paula confirmed that she submitted

my screenplay to the studio.

And, apparently, they're "excited to read."

Yes! Oh, babe, I'm so proud of you.

Oof.

Isaac's gonna be so jealous

Polar Opposites might be made into a movie

before his vampire book.

I want to tell him.

Hold on. Where is Isaac?

Did anyone tell him that the ball is over?

I mean, it ended

three hours ago.

I'm sure he figured it out by now.

♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle do or die. ♪

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org