Original subtitles

Good evening.

Welcome scholars to this evening's lecture.

Because of the population explosion and the need for more and more institutions

of higher learning, universities seem to be springing up overnight.

Since everyone prefers to go to old established institutions, we have

developed such products as fast-growing ivy. We can also, in a matter of months,

provide a campus with hundred-year-old traditions picked up at very reasonable

prices from colleges that are sick of them.

Aging the faculty has not yet presented any problems.

In creating a new university, we first of all begin by granting several

thousand honorary degrees, a process which we call instant alumni.

For those of you who long for days of beer and ivy, we have just the story. It

is about... two young men, Doc and Skip, and of a not-so-practical joke.

The school bell will ring in just one minute.

When it does, remember, it tolls for thee.

You'll be able to purchase this kit from either Mr. Carroll or Mr. Pitts in the

supply room immediately following this discussion period.

Check each kit carefully.

Among other things, you should find two eyedroppers, two forceps, scissors, and

two probes.

We'll begin our first dissection probably on Monday.

By then, you'll be thoroughly acquainted with the position of the organs in the

abdominal cavity.

And we'll have finished our chapters on the heart and thorax.

Okay?

All right, Mr. Carroll, you can bring the cadaver in now.

Well, Mr. Pitts, where's Mr. Carroll?

He's unpacking that dissecting kit in the supply room, Professor.

Now, let's see. We have 16 students in the class.

We'll divide you into pairs and assign a cadaver to each pair, which you'll be

responsible for.

Now, this morning, I want to... Dissecting kids, anyone?

That's not funny.

Class is dismissed.

Mr. Carroll, will you and Mr. Pitts remain here, please?

Professor, it wasn't my idea.

I begged him not to. All right, Mr. Pitts, you're excused.

I know whose idea it was.

Mr. Carroll.

Yes, sir.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

A doctor, sir. A doctor.

Yes, sir. We're both aware of your scholastic record, aren't we?

Yes, sir.

Well, brilliance, Mr. Carroll, without discipline is like a vaccine without a

syringe. It's useless.

Yes, sir.

I won't tolerate this sort of behavior again.

Have these papers graded by first period in the morning.

Yes, sir.

Woman

in

the hall!

Woman in the hall!

Skip's drunk again. He's gonna throw Barbara in the shower.

Hey, he's not playing

Hey, turn it off.

And pull the shades down.

Anything else, Your Highness? How about a new head?

What are you doing up so early?

Penance. I couldn't work all night, thanks to you. I've got to grade all

these papers by first period.

Untie me.

Pardon me?

Untie me!

What are you saying?

Please that's better

Take

it easy

Feels like somebody's inside my head with a pair of cleats kicking field

goals.

I'm running out of patience and just about out of vitamins.

You don't look too good this morning.

Hey. Yeah?

I didn't kill anybody, did I?

If you didn't, it's not your fault, boy. You should try hard enough.

Don't you remember?

No.

The last thing I remember is... Don't strain

yourself. You'll break something.

I was in a tavern on the highway.

Barbara was with me.

And you're trying to break the record set in 1949 by one Hector Fletcher who

drank 63 cans of beer in one sitting.

Oh, yeah.

How'd I do this time?

Somewhere in the 30s.

I never remember. I carved a...

I carved a heart, and I left Barbara on the table there.

Oh, the only place to carve a heart.

And the bartender told me that if I didn't quit cutting up the furniture,

I'd have to leave.

I'm blank, that's it.

That's all you remember?

Yeah. You don't remember getting tied down?

No.

Boy, it's pretty convenient roomy what you don't remember.

You don't remember? I don't live here anymore.

You don't, huh?

Well, you're going to hear a lot more come 2 o'clock. Yeah, yeah. What happens

at 2 o'clock?

You have a meeting with our illustrious dean. The floor monitor reported you to

the activities last night.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's right.

Oh.

And here is the official summons commonly called the black spot.

Oh, and, uh, Barbara told me to tell you as they carried her out of here

screaming last night.

That you could find somebody else to take to the Halloween carnival. You

remember that?

No.

And that she never wanted to talk to you again.

I bet.

This is what, the third time you've been up before the dean since school started?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

That's pretty serioso, roomie.

I gotta get to class.

This morning we discussed the human heart.

Well, bye, Gulliver, old buddy.

Lots of luck come two o'clock.

Hey, don't slam the door on your way out, huh?

Thank you.

Hey, what did the dean have to say? He said that I'm too valuable to lose.

Indispensable. Yeah.

How

many

is that?

41.

Coach told me after workouts today that Skip almost got kicked out of school

this afternoon.

I don't... I don't feel too good.

How about that? 42.

Listen, I'll drive his car back to the door. Good thing he passed out in here

instead of behind the wheel. He could have killed somebody. He could just have

killed me. He could have dropped me or something.

Give me my shoe.

Boy, that would sober him up, wouldn't it?

What?

He killed somebody.

It takes something like that to bring him to his senses.

A good scare has been known to cure a lot of things.

You know, when I was a kid and I had the hiccups, my old man used to hide behind

the closet door.

Then I'd open it up and he'd fall out like he was dead.

Man, I don't know how they wear this stuff.

I wonder what would happen.

What?

I just had a funny thought.

Sam says that you better get him out of here.

We're moving.

Oh, and another thing.

Would you please tell him for me when he wakes up that I don't like being stood

up?

He was supposed to take me out for coffee after work.

Listen, get him back to his room and put him to bed.

I'll meet you in the parking lot. Okay.

I'm here, Skip.

She's dead.

You don't remember?

Uh, who is it?

It's Ruby, the new waitress at the tavern.

Don't you remember?

Skip?

I was... I was drunk.

I knew something like this was gonna happen.

What do you mean?

You said you had a date with her.

When I came in this morning to get my books, she was just lying there like

that. I shook her. I said, get up, get out.

But she's not getting anywhere.

She's dead.

She's been strangled. Now, try to remember, Skip.

I killed her.

Look, I've got to get to the lab and open up her first period.

I'll be back in half an hour.

At 8.30, I'll cut the lecture.

Now, you stay here and don't let anyone in.

Don't talk to anybody. Don't tell anybody.

And, uh... Don't look at her.

Just stay right here till I get back.

Okay?

Lock the door behind me.

Skipper. We're late for class.

Skip.

Hey, Skip.

Okay. It's your funeral.

Morning, Mr. Carroll.

Good morning, sir.

You have a nice Halloween?

Yes, sir. You're here very early this morning, sir? Mm-hmm.

I've rearranged part of our program for the week.

Combined two lectures.

Plan to finish with a heart this morning.

Just have to explain the functions of the pulmonary vein, and then we can move

right on.

Get the full anatomy charts from the supply room and set them up for me,

okay? Sir.

Oh, Mr.

Pitts phoned me this morning.

Woke me up.

He's not feeling well, so you'll have to stay here on the podium during the

lecture and point for me.

Something wrong, Mr. Carroll?

Uh, no, sir.

Skip Baxter?

Phone call for Skip Baxter.

Skip Baxter?

This is Baxter.

Skip? Yeah, Barbara?

Are you alright?

What do you mean?

Well, you didn't go to class today.

I have a terrible hangover.

You still there?

Yeah.

I called to tell you that I'm sorry about last night.

I acted like a baby. I didn't mean it when I said you were obnoxious. Hey,

listen, Skip.

Meet me at the show hall and we can... I have to go now, Barbara.

Well, I hope your room is cleaner than last week, Vax. Hey, give me a break,

huh, Tom?

Hey, listen, I just woke up. I had a bad night last night. I haven't even had

time to make the beds.

A big mess in there? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's a big mess.

I have eight projects against me now.

I'll clean it up right now.

Okay.

Come on, let's go. We'll come back later on.

You look like you had a bad night, too.

Now, once again, let's follow the flow of the blood.

Coming from the extremities.

Entering from the superior vena cava and the inferior vena cava, into the right

auricle, to the right ventricle.

Mr. Carroll, the right ventricle.

Excuse me, sir.

Ed Blair, Skip, let me in.

Come on, Skip, I gotta talk to you.

Just a minute.

Hi, Ed.

Hi, Jim, how's your Charlie horse? Coach is worried about it. Gave me a bad time

last night. Well, go put some heat on it.

Hi, Ed.

Yeah, what's up? Coach didn't be able to talk to you, Skip.

Oh.

You cut your first period class this morning. Why?

Oh, I didn't feel like going out and jumping around.

We just got a call from the dean's office.

Coach is hopping mad. He called me up on the carpet about it.

Team manager's now turned to an officer.

You know how many times you've attended that particular class since school

started? No.

Not how many times you've cut, but how many times you've been there? No.

Out of a possible 14 hours of class, you've attended five.

That means you have nine cuts already and we've only been going to class seven

weeks.

You know how many cuts you're allowed in a class in one whole semester? No.

Eight.

Coach has arranged you're gonna have to make up those cuts and go to fourth

period phys ed starting Monday.

Okay.

If you have any questions, he said come talk to him.

All right.

Have you checked this room yet this morning? Yeah, I said they come back.

You think they'd die of shock if they came and found the beds made up?

Probably.

Get over there. I'll show you how you do it in the Army.

Where are the clean sheets?

Closet? Oh, no, no.

They're over here in the drawer.

Since we've been moving along so well in this class, I've decided that tomorrow

afternoon, during lab periods, you'll have your first session with the

cadavers.

Is there anybody in the class that hasn't bought the dissecting kit?

Good. Bring your kits with you to lab tomorrow.

Class dismissed.

Come along, Mr. Carroll.

We'll assign the cadavers for tomorrow's lab, then you can go.

Pass inspection.

S.U.'s is about a rough routine we'll face all season, Skip.

You have to shape up.

Coach wants me to keep an eye on you.

I have enough trouble managing the team without having to... What's the matter,

Skip? You look sick.

I don't feel too good.

You better have a rest then before tonight.

Coach is planning a heavy scrimmage.

Here.

Take a look at these plays.

The second team will be running the same formation that they'll be using against

us Saturday evening.

Okay?

No more cuts, huh?

Yeah.

Don't have Coach send me down here again.

Room looks pretty good.

I'd get that rug clean before next room check.

See you tonight, Tiger.

Number five for Riley and Harrison.

Five. Riley, Harrison.

Number three for Schwartz and Grobenfeld.

Three. Schwartz, Grobenfeld.

Number eight for...

Mr. Carroll.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Carroll, it seems we're missing one of our people.

Yes, sir. I know, sir.

Would you care to explain why we're missing one of our people, Mr. Carroll?

I know I didn't remove number eight.

And since you're the only other person who has a key to this room, I assume you

did.

Yes, sir. I did.

Last night was Halloween and... Well, it wasn't quite that, sir. It did have

something to do with it.

You see, I had this roommate.

He was our star halfback. I know.

Well, he drinks a little bit, and last night he got very drunk.

So I thought to sober him up, to shock him, to make him stop drinking, to bring

him around to his senses.

It sounds kind of silly, doesn't it? To sober him up, you put a cadaver in his

bed.

Yes, sir, something like that, sir. I'm surprised you haven't done something

like this before.

I've even been expecting it.

You're the type of student who's notorious for this sort of prank.

However, I had expected something a little more original from you.

Well, it wasn't actually a prank, sir. I was very serious about it, kind of.

And where is number eight at this moment, Mr. Carroll?

In my bed in Robbers Hall, sir.

Red have to say to you.

I'm just taking it out to get it clean.

That cadaver better be back in her drawer by the time I get back here for

lab tomorrow.

I'll go bring it back right now. Or I'll report this whole matter to the dean.

Or we'll in turn report it to your father.

I should report it anyway.

If anything happened to that cadaver, it's impossible to replace. Well,

nothing's going to happen to it. I'll go bring it back.

I can't say when we shall break this case, but we will break our stations.

Now. Following this, we shall continue our play.

Or skip.

I was hoping he was here. He didn't show up. Coach Crowe's furious.

He wasn't in the room when I came in from class.

Thompson somewhere around noon said he was taking his rug out to get it clean.

If you see him, you tell him to get over here. Coach is threatening to kick him

off the team.

Did I hit you?

Oh, no.

Oh, my no, young man.

No, I was just coming down. I got going. I was rolling just a little bit too

fast.

It's happened before, three nights ago.

Let me help you. I told my husband, Mr. Pfister, before he died, he ought to buy

me a garbage disposal. But the dog was alive then. He'd eat anything. Then the

dog died.

I can't get out of the habit of cooking for the three of us. Nothing that you

cook for just one person tastes nearly so good. I don't know why that is.

So I have more garbage than anyone on the block.

I throw out enough stuff to feed an army.

Then I read all this stuff about people starving and it depresses me. The whole

system about how they collect things nowadays is so confusing.

I never can remember whether it's can night or just paper night.

And there's a law now, you know, that all garbage has to be wrapped.

Oh, thank you, young man.

Oh, that's Mrs. Peterson.

She forgot to wrap her garbage last week and they left it for the whole week. She

almost cried. She was so ashamed.

Thank you, young man.

Are you all right?

Good evening, Mrs. Peterson.

Her husband works for a movie studio. He says he knows all the stars, but...

I've never seen any of them come to visit.

Are you all right?

Yes, I am.

Oh, would you like a drink?

A drink?

Yes, you're so very, you're so terribly pale.

Mr. Pfister used to get that look whenever he worked too hard in the yard.

We always found that a little snort always made him feel just so much

better.

Would you like to come into my house and have a drink?

I'm 67 years old. My intentions are honorable.

Could I park my car in your driveway? I have a rug in the back, and I'd

feel much safer with it off the street.

Well, yes, of course. You can put it right in the garage.

I don't keep a car there anymore.

I told Mr. Gister before he died, you ought to teach me how to drive.

But then they came and repossessed it, or whatever it is they do when they come

and drive it away.

I wouldn't make payments on anything I didn't know how to use.

I'll open the door for you.

Oh, my.

I forgot how the garage looked with a car in it.

Looks just like a cage with a bird in it again. Oh, it's all so much happier now.

Oh, what a pretty rug. Looks like it might be an Oriental.

No, it's plain gray.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just love Oriental rugs. Come and see.

This used to be my husband's workshop.

Hobby shop, actually.

He was retired.

He used to spend all his time out here cutting and hammering and sawing.

Sawing all night long.

It's all electrical, you know.

Sawing quietly, never disturbed anyone. Well, come along, young man. Your rug

will be all right there.

You like your gin neat?

Uh, anyway.

Oh, good.

I just defrosted the refrigerator so there's not any ice. I always defrost on

garbage nights.

But I prefer my gin neat, even when there's ice.

Ah, you feel better already, I can tell.

Color's coming back into your face. I can see it. That's nice.

That's such a nice phase.

Well, there's Mr. Johnson with his garbage. He lives over there with 30

cats. I never counted them, but they sound more like 3,000 some nights when

you're trying to get to sleep.

Mrs. Peterson poisoned six of them. Made Mr. Johnson so mad he had the police on

her.

I kept out of it. I went to their funeral, though.

He buried them in the backyard under the old incinerator.

Remember how we used to be able to burn things?

Leaves in the fall of the year. That wonderful smell.

Well, I guess everybody's got their garbage out now.

Except that young married couple up at the end that just moved in last week.

Maybe they don't know tonight's the night.

She's going to have a baby.

I think they're students at the university.

You don't know them, do you? Mr. and Mrs. Allen, Arthur Allen.

They don't talk much, aren't very friendly.

She didn't even want to give me her telephone number at first.

Oh, that rug was actually made in Persia.

I can just close my eyes and have all sorts of fantasies about it. Like it was

the magic carpet. I just love magical carpets filled with mystery.

Oh, hello.

Oh, Miss Allen. Miss Allen, this is Mrs. Pfister across the street.

Remember, we met Friday when I was mowing the lawn?

Yes. Well, Miss Allen, I wondered if you knew that tonight is garbage night.

Cans and papers, too.

Yes.

Well, now, remember to wrap it all very carefully, because if you don't, they'll

just leave it sitting there, and it's a full week before they come back.

Yes.

Yes, wrap it.

Oh, in newspapers or sacks or anything, I just use the bags I bring from the

store. Then they throw it into that big machine before we even get up in the

morning, and it's all ground to a pulp before the truck's halfway down the

street.

There you are, baby.

Hey, Ruby.

Yeah? Have you seen Skip Baxter?

Skip Baxter?

Yeah, you remember, the one that passed out here last night.

Oh, yeah.

Loud and rowdy. He's cute.

No, I haven't seen him. He stood me up.

Look, if he should come in, would you give me a call? My name is Doc Carroll.

Look, I'll write it down.

If he should come in, the minute you see him, just give me a call.

I know this number.

Anything wrong?

No, just call me, okay, if you see him.

Okay.

What?

He used to kick the dog when he begged for food.

I had to feed him when my husband wasn't looking.

He called it economy, but it was stingy.

All he ever did was to get out there in that garage and cut and saw things up.

He wouldn't teach me to drive, wouldn't buy me a garbage disposal. So now every

Tuesday night I have to put on my shoes and a dress, fix my hair and put on a

little lipstick, just take the garbage out the curb. Has to be wrapped or so-so

now, you know.

I forgot to wrap mine last week and they left it sitting out there for a whole

week.

Specialty of mine. I originated the recipe myself.

The rose I grew in my garden, I just cut it.

It might bud before your eye.

What time is it? Well, I think it's about nine o'clock.

I have a coffee mill. I grind my own beans.

No.

Well, would you like a drink?

No, I have a class. I have to go.

Oh, no.

No.

I spent almost an hour fixing that breakfast. Drink your orange juice. Eat

your almonds. No, thank you. I have to go have a class. Oh, no.

Well, I'm not going to open the garage doors for you. You'll have to do it

yourself. You men are all alike.

Inconsiderate, vicious, cutting.

Just trample on other people's feelings.

Crush the beautiful.

Three oranges wasted.

Two slices of bread, six livers and three eggs.

What am I going to do with it?

It'll all have to go into the garbage.

Hello, Baxter.

One pair of shoes.

Three pair of game socks.

That's my equipment.

It was your equipment, Skip.

Coach said if he showed up and wanted to talk about it, he'd be in his office.

Shoulder pads.

Hip pads.

Thigh pads.

Knee pads.

And one helmet.

Talk to me about the helmet, Skip.

It won't bite.

And one helmet. That's it.

In early, ought to break the record.

I'll keep a tab.

Oh, wee.

Feels like it's turning cold, Sam.

I put a couple of blankets back on my bed last night.

Who's that in so early?

Loud and rowdy.

Hi there, Loud and Rowdy.

You all right?

No. Why not?

Well, you want to tell Ruby about it?

Hey, Ruby, watch the front, huh? I'm going to hardball the eggs, okay?

Okay, Sam.

Oh, hey, make me a four-minute one, would you? I haven't had any breakfast

yet.

Ruby.

Yeah?

Ruby?

of fellas in here last night looking for you.

Well, I better go call your buddy.

Oh, hey, listen, I was just going to call you. Hey, Doc.

That's Ruby.

He's just been repeating my name over and over again like it was a broken

record. Yeah, leave us alone, will you?

Why not?

Hey, Doc.

You said I killed Ruby, didn't you, Doc?

Skip, it wasn't in the rug in your car. Now, where is it?

If it wasn't Ruby, who was it?

It wasn't anyone.

Now, where is it?

How could it not be anyone?

Skip, it was a cadaver from the medical department. It was just a joke to sober

you up. Now, you knew it was a cadaver. Now, don't kid me.

You knew it wasn't Ruby.

I never looked at her face.

Not even in the garage I didn't.

I couldn't look at her face.

Oh, good.

Oh, good.

Skip,

where is it?

Where is it?

Where is it Come on

If there are no further questions, then move right along.

Very funny, Mr. Carroll.

Very funny. Professor Dawson.

Carroll, this has gone far enough.

Get up.

Get out.

I'm going to report you to the dean and have you expelled.

Get up!

seems to have disappeared.

We have a great deal of difficulty with our faculty that way.

As for Skip Baxter, the authorities took a dim view of his prankish nature, and

he is in another institution now, and I don't mean the State University.

One week from tonight, we shall present another play, scenes of which will be on

display in a few moments.

First, however, here is our companion feature.