Original subtitles

This is Grégoire Lecomte, actor and vaudeville artist.

I'm not home, I'm touring...

with Roger Moore, the new James Bond. You wouldn't have caught me anyway...

...because in the evenings I rehearse in the Experimental Theatre of Maubeuge.

Hamlet. I am Hamlet.

To be or not to be available? That's the question...

for a popular actor like me. Thank you.

Anyway, if you want to offer me work...

you can always try your luck...

Frédéric Jacquelin 25612-12 in Paris...

or his office in Hollywood, 25612-12. And yes, Hollywood...

since besides me, he also works for Woody Allen, Dustin Hoffman...

and Marlon Brando. Anyway, leave me a message.

Hello, this is plumber Lainé. We've been waiting for 6 months...

for payment. If you don't pay within...

2 days, we'll send a debt collector after you. Understood?

UMBRELLA COUP

- Monique? Arlette here. Receive me? - Loud and clear.

- He just left the Saint-Sulpice hotel. - How long was he there?

- 18 min., 23 sec. He goes to the Seine. - Ok, we'll take over. Over and out.

Over and out.

- Passport pictures, please? - There, in the back.

Hello, Rolande? Monique here. The Alfa- Romeo just went past Saint-Michel.

Direction of Concorde. Over and out.

Hello, Rolande here. I'm at the Rue Royale. Can you hear me, girls?

He's going towards the Madeleine.

Oh, come on!

- Really, Grégoire! Really... - What's wrong?

- Look at how you're dressed! - Dressed?

- Why, don't I look like a killer? - Don't be stupid. Come.

I was looking for you all night to tell you to dress differently.

- Where were you? - Did you call Josyane?

- Do you think I'm crazy? - Good! I told her I was with you.

Listen Grégoire, your private life is none of my business...

A pity, because 10% of my private life is more fun than 10% of my wages.

By the way, I looked great in the cheese ad with my cowl.

Yes! But after that, they...

- ...didn't want you for the Samaritaine. - What would you know, Frédo.

A killer, these days, is not Palance, it's not Bogart, it's not Brynner.

Shabby, light-footed.

If I put on a moustache...

- There! - Come on now! Hurry!

- I want them to see you first. - Who else is there?

I told you, there are 2 candidates. It's in the bag.

- Not until the contract has been signed. - Frédo, look! It's him.

That's the other actor.

Palance, Bogart, Brynner.

Come on.

The man killed this morning had no known enemies.

He was killed in the Printemps department store.

Showing signs of diabolical imagination...

the murderer acted during the busy hour.

Diabolical imagination. Rapid execution.

Total lack of pity. Believe me, this is the man...

- ...you need to take out Krampe. - Has he worked for you before?

No, but at the airport of Tokyo, 1 year ago, that was Moskowtlz.

- His name's Moskowitz? - His name was Moskowitz on that day.

Do you know him personally?

Nobody knows him. He's had plastic surgery several times.

Which floor, Frédo? - 10.

And you, Sir? - 10.

10. - Like us.

Oh dear, what a disaster! Wait! I'll help you.

- Where is it? - In the back, that door. I'll wait.

This way, Sir.

This way to the toilet. I'll give you a hand.

A shame of that beautiful coat. Cashmere, was it?

- I'm here for the contract. - Mr. Barberini's waiting for you.

Let him wait for a second.

Sit down.

It's a fake mirror. From here, you can hear and see everything.

A blackhead.

Excuse me.

So joyous, so emotional...

to finally meet you.

Have a seat.

I've been wanting to work with you for a long time.

Whisky!

Lorenzo. He's my godchild.

- The scenario. - An asshole!

- Me? - No, him.

Otto Krampe, nicknamed "The Whale".

- Not bad. Handsome. - Keep them, keep them.

Arms smuggling, private plane...

yacht, billions. All from skulduggery and treason...

- I like it. And I'll... - Ah, you understood fast.

It's my job. And why?

Why do I...?

Africa!

The Whale sold lousy arms...

to a third world country.

- And the blackies want his head? - That's it, the blackies...

I love it. When do we start?

Tomorrow.

- In Saint-Tropez. - Nice setting.

Picturesque! Perfumes, lights, beautiful girls...

...crawling for Krampe and his money. It's his birthday.

- But he's afraid. - May it be his last one.

Death! That's why he hired killers...

- who are also doctors. - Normally, it's the other way around.

There's also Radj Khan. The Whale's damned soul.

An untouchable!

The dagger. -Tied to his wrist.

How did you guess?

Classic. Classic but good.

Violence, suspense... vengeance. Vengeance always pays off.

And you're telling me that?

I'm happy that for our first contract...

- There will be more, I hope? - Now that we've met...

It also depends on the conditions. I'm in high demand, you know.

I know, I know. 100 thousand.

50 now...

and 50 afterwards. Is that alright?

It is. But it's a bargain.

Here's your plane ticket.

You room has been reserved in the Byblos hotel.

- Under which name? - Grégoire Lecomte of course.

Your "accessories" will be ready tomorrow morning.

At Bossoni's. 125 Rue Vieille-du-Temple.

Welcome to the Famiglia.

Wait, I'll hug you too.

Like your godfather.

Hurry up, old chap! We've been waiting half an hour.

Wait a moment. Grégoire Lecomte.

What's he like?

Fantastic! Go get Marthe and Jean-François.

No, don't do that. There's no need for that.

You've got it! You've got the contract. What a face!

You're quite something. I've never seen such an ugly mug.

Where were you hiding? Why have I never met you before?

Sit down. First of all, the scenario:

A Japanese diplomat, on an unofficial mission in Paris...

falls in love with a German striptease dancer.

Come in! Look at that! Is that the ugliest face you've ever seen?

- What do you think? - That sure is an ugly face.

Alright, the German striptease dancer's besotted with a Palestinian terrorist.

The Japanese wants to get rid of him.

He's looking for a hitman. And that's when you show up, buddy.

That's it. This is my big break.

I'll show them! I'll show them what a real comedy actor is.

A real one. He gave me his hand to kiss.

Here, look. If I had asked more, he would have given me more.

- Give me my 10,000. - Your 10,000?

10% of 50 thousand is not 10,000.

I have to kill this big guy. In the scenario, he's the Whale.

Funny, no?

Oh, the bitch. It's a disgrace.

- I put in 3 francs half an hour ago. - I'm sorry. 35 minutes.

120 francs for 35 minutes?

Not even whores make that much.

- Is that an insult? - Absolutely, that's an insult.

- Let it go. Come. - This is all about vengeance.

- Driving permit, car insurance. - Get screwed.

What did you do yesterday between 5:03 PM and 6:22 PM at 34 Rue La Fayette?

- And Monday between 12 and 1, 18 Rue... - Are you spying on me, Josyane?

- Did your colleagues keep you informed? - And the Windsor hotel from midnight...

- until 7 in the morning? - Well, I had been at Frédo's.

He was ill. I stayed up all night.

Come, Josyane. I have a great contract. I'm taking you to Saint-Tropez.

- What's wrong with you? - Me?

- He has a... - Yes... yes...

- He's ashamed because of his wife. - No, I'm not ashamed.

Yes, you're ashamed! And besides, I'm fed up.

- I'm fed up as well. - Behave, you're a traffic warden.

- A bit of dignity, please. - Go, get lost.

- You won't need to tell me twice. - You're finished at 10:16 PM.

If you're not back at 11:01 PM... - Shit!

Ragoutoutou, ragout for my pooch. I love it very mooch. Woof, woof woof.

Ragoutoutou! What's that loser doing in this mess?

And I'm not talking about the dog. The dog's fine. Can you explain?

- I'll tell you, Mr Director... - Can we send this ad back?

They only lent it to us for half an hour.

Send it back.

Did you see his appearance? His woollen bonnet.

- Who's the other one? - His agent. He has an agent!

- And the money? Mafia, are you sure? - I'm not sure of anything, Sylvette.

We didn't have time to plant bugs. 2 years we've been on this case.

We've been tailing everybody for blacks, whites, mafiosi...

...diplomats. Everybody except the hitman who's after the Whale.

- Is he married? - Yes, to a florist. It's all here.

But he lives with a woman called Josyane Leblanc. A traffic warden.

The theater, the ads...

- It could all be a cover. - And if he's really the killer...

- I intervene? - Yes, but too late. Secret service...

had been following this case and was nearby...

...but regrets having been unable to prevent the murder of Otto Krampe...

the well-known arms smuggler. The murderer was, of course...

...immediately arrested and incarcerated. Et cetera.

- Are you following me, Sylvette? - I'm following you, Mr. Director.

Be ready tonight at 10:30 PM. Le Splendide theater, Rue des Lombards.

I'm telling you he's not a coward.

You're a coward.

You don't have the guts to tell him that he's a coward.

I don't? Repeat that.

You don't have the guts.

If you did, you'd already have told him.

What's Grégoire doing?

You know what? You're a coward.

You'll have to replace me starting tomorrow. I'm going to the Cote...

- You could have told me earlier. - But I didn't know, old chap.

Grégoire? Grégoire!

- Do we know each other? - No, but we will.

- Can I have an autograph? - Yes, of course.

- I don't have any paper. - Well, me neither.

Sign there. I'll take the label off. Pen.

I always have a bottle. I'm on a diet.

- You shouldn't be. What's your name? - Bunny. My real name's Sylvette...

but I don't like that name.

You're a fantastic actor.

- Those slaps in the face... - I'm just doing friends a favour.

But it's my last day. Tomorrow, I start shooting a movie in Saint-Tropez.

- Which genre? - Butch Cassidy, The Sting.

- The style of Redford, Newman. - I saw you in cinema...

in a very funny ad with a marmot hat.

The cheese ad. I shot that last year, in Norway.

Norway! Saint-Tropez, Norway.

- That's the life, isn't it? - And you, what do you do?

I work at a chemist's in Saint-Germain. Perfume department.

But I was trained as a laundry worker.

Laundry worker! I've never had a... I mean I don't know any laundry workers.

My mother has an artisanal shop, everything hand-made, you know.

- Christening dresses, and everything... - Tell me...

- are you free? Want to go for a drink? - Alright.

What! Like in a man is imagination.

I said to Claudine, the other day, imagination...

Young guys don't have any. They can't make you laugh.

Take you on a trip to the Galapagos Islands, make you feel like...

you're a character in a romantic story. They can't take off your jeans...

as if they're an evening gown.

Oh, look!

Poor Josyane.

What an asshole, this guy. Wait.

Hello? Hello, Arlette.

Rue des Lombards? How long ago?

Thanks for calling me Hello, Arlette!

Is she a brunette or a blonde? Yes, you're right, it doesn't matter.

Alright, bye-

Hey! But... Stop!

- What are you doing? - I'm taking off your evening gown.

Not here.

We need a palm tree...

the moon, 2 glasses of champagne. Music...

I have that.

- Is my bow tie alright? - One moment.

We haven't met yet. Tell me..

How did we meet?

- Far away. In South America. - Were there are all these nasty men...

after you who want to kill you.

You're really cute, Bunny. You turn it into a movie.

- Then, one night... - I just survived one of...

their attempts at my life. Then I see you.

On the patio of a palace in Rio. In a blue uniform.

- Oh no, not a blue uniform. - Why?

- We look each other in the eyes. - Electricity.

I take your hand and free you from the millionaire you were with.

- Oh yes! - I kiss you.

Like crazy!

10:42 PM! I have to go home. - Why? Is she jealous?

No, it's more complicated than that. I'll explain.

- Don't bother. - Yes, I will. See, Josyane...

- Is she your wife? - No, I'm divorced...

...well separated. Josyane is...

- It's tragic. - Why?

Josyane's vulnerable.

She's blind.

Asshole! Bastard!

She can't do anything without me. I have to dress her, undress her...

- What does she do all day? - Watch TV and wait for me.

The radio, I mean! And she knits oven mitts for other blind people.

Never a moment of impatience, never a minute of rebellion.

She accepts her fate, thanking heaven for...

- her blessings. - And one of her blessings...

- is you. - Me, who swore...

to be home each night at 11:01, to put her in her little pink bed.

- No, we'll see each other tomorrow. - At 7, the guide dog takes my place.

You're a bastard.

I'll dump him. This time it's over.

Get your suitcases. We're leaving.

My safari jacket. Have you gone mad?

My manuscripts. My headphones.

Josyane, I came to get you. We're going to Saint-Tropez.

You're asking me to come along because you know that I can't.

Always the same. You ask me to marry you, but you refuse to divorce.

I can't divorce. You don't divorce a blind woman.

A blind florist. Do you think I'm stupid?

Anybody can be blind...

It's a disgrace...

calling me a liar... horrible.

And what about my records? Give them back.

Here are your records.

Excuse me, Sir. She was aiming at me. She's jealous.

She's terrible. If you only knew...

My skis. You're wrong, Josyane, you're wrong.

This is not the moment. I said this is not the moment.

- Mr. Bozzoni, please. - One second.

- Salvatore! - Yes? I'm coming.

Grégoire Lecomte.

Ah, I was expecting you.

Just a moment. Giovanna, are you finished with the gentleman?

Ah, Mr. Marcus! Arrivederci. Don't worry.

Your jacket will be ready tomorrow Darling, go have a coffee.

It will do you good. Warms you up.

- Are you leaving this morning? - Air France, 1:05 PM.

Do you have the accessories?

There. Careful.

It's for you. Signor Barberini.

- Hello? Yes, it's me. - Do you have the Bulgarian umbrella?

- It's Bulgarian? - How do you like it?

It's not bad. It's just an umbrella, you know.

Isn't it? It could be confused with any other umbrella.

Yes, it could be confused with any other umbrella.

- By the way, how about the costumes? - The costumes?

I don't like to work in my own clothes. All the dirt they attract.

- Haemoglobin, blood. - Get me a docket.

Ok. I've got to go. I can't miss the plane. Ciao.

Ragoutoutou, ragout for my pooch. I love it very mooch.

It's him!

Reel him in, Mr. Krampe. He's ready.

- Are you going to talk? - No.

- Hello? - Can I talk to Mr. Krampe?

Krampe, yes?

- Which flight? - Air France, 1:05 PM.

- What does he look like? - Like a madman. A dangerous madman.

That's not what I asked, idiot. Describe him.

Blond, curly hair, blue eyes. He travels under the name of Lecomte.

- Does he have the Bulgarian umbrella? - I just gave it to him.

- What's wrong, Bozzoni? - No names, please. No names.

- If anyone heard you... - Double-cross, double money...

...double risk, Mr. Bozzoni.

1:05 PM, flight 406, Air France. - I'll call the Fairy.

He won't arrive in Nice, Mr. Krampe.

Doctor? I don't think we need Mr Bumbako any more.

- I'll be right back. - Where are you going?

- To get you some mimosa. - It's stupid to go to Nice...

with mimosa.

I'll be back.

- Listen, did you lose some weight? - Oh... stop it, Grégoire.

- You look great. - I'm so happy that I'm...

not living with you any more. Mimosa, as usual? This?

How are you doing? You look good.

- I have a problem, though. - Why? What problem?

Didier, my guy, wants us to get married. He's nagging like you wouldn't believe.

Tell him you can't divorce him. I'm your best protection.

- Yes, but he knows we have no children. - There are many other reasons.

- Like what? - What does your Didier do?

- He works for a road service. - Tell him I'm blind.

- You're crazy, aren't you? - You'll keep your guy and your freedom.

I had a job around the corner, so I came to see you.

Juliette...

Excuse me.

Hold that, please.

Pretty face. Friendly, masculine...

Anti-Semitic nose, but nice.

Week, hanging cheeks. Very thick eyebrows.

A jealous guy, be careful. Mouth like a chicken's ass.

I don't like him. I don't approve.

- Thank you. - Who's that?

- My husband. - Is he blind?

- Yes. - But you never told me.

No. But that's why I can't get a divorce.

Come on.

Are you crazy? Murderers!

- Here. - Thank you.

Hello, Josyane? Frangoise speaking. He's going towards Porte de Champeret.

- Is she still with him? - Yes, Huguette takes over. Over and out.

- Are we in first class? - Of course.

Do you think they'll have caviar?

Seats B and C, to your right.

Behind these people. Your cigarette, please.

- The plane to Nice, please. - Building 4.

The flight to Nice, 405 - It just left, Mr...

What time's the next flight?

Champagne's nice. And it's a diuretic.

- Don't you have any caviar? - No, only on long distance flights.

- Aren't we on the plane to Rio? - No, this is flight 405...

to Nice.

But that's terrible. I'm taking this lady to South America.

- It took me months to convince her. - It's all he thinks about.

I've been going on about Copacabana. And we land in Nice.

I'm going to look like a fool. She'll think I'm a joker.

That's true. I'm really disappointed in the destination.

Bunny? .Yes?

I think... I'm in love with you.

No. You just want to jump me. That's why you took me here.

- That was true, at first. - And at last?

At last, that changed. You take the plane to Nice but you land in Rio.

- But it's the other way around today. - *But today there's the movie.

- Is the contract that important to you? - I've been waiting for a part...

like that all my life. You know, Bunny...

I brag, I act all cool.

But I'm just a little guy.

That's going to change now. You will be a big star, Grégoire.

- Do you really think so? - I'm sure of it.

I know it, I feel it. You're going to show them...

- what a real comedy actor is. - Bunny, I adore you.

- Bunny, shall we get married? - But you're already married.

And you can't divorce a blind woman.

Maybe we can take her to Lourdes. We'll pray all 3...

and on the way back, the 2 of us get married.

- Why are you wiggling like that? - You're right, the champagne...

I'll be back.

Ladies and gentlemen, we maybe approaching...

some turbulence. Stay in your seats, please.

Excuse me, I didn't... Miss... Oh, I mean... Sir...

Go back to your seats, please.

We're about to land in Nice. To the left of the plane...

- ...you can see Saint-Tropez. - Have a look.

- Look at the boats. - Oh, that's pretty.

That's the harbour.

It looks like a heart attack to me.

Stanilas Lefort, aka Constantin Patakis, alias Pierre Juvet...

called The Fairy. Wanted by crime, vice and narcotics departments.

- And you think it was a heart attack? - Look, boss.

The Fairy's dead. He killed him.

Don't get worked up, Mr. Krampe. Don't make your blood pressure go up.

- Did you bring your tools? - Of course.

- He can't arrive at the Byblos. - Why not cancel the event?

Because I'm not enough of a coward and too much of a snob, idiot.

Grégoire!

Frédo!

Frédo! What are you doing here?

We just arrived and Mireille and let's pick up Grégoire.

- We'll drop him off in Saint-Tropez. - Hello, kids.

This is Mireille and this is Bunny. As in Bugs Bunny. And Lucien, Amélie...

- Olivier and Véronique. - Aurélien.

- Aurélien, Julie, Arthur and Monique. - Ah yes, I...

And Grégoire, her godchild. Looks like his mother, no?

Hey, baby?

Come, let's go.

Traffic wasn't too bad?

With 5 kids, that never piss at the same time, you can't go fast.

Tell me...

A transvestite died on the plane. Can you believe that?

- I'll get me some mineral water. - Alright, I'll get the car.

Daddy, we'll go with you.

- Grégoire? - What?

- Who's the slut? - Cute, isn't she?

- And is he cute? - Don't start again.

The resemblance is my punishment. He's the only one not to see it.

It's so clear. Sometimes I think I'm carrying you on my back.

- One day I'll tell Frédo everything. - No, don't tell him. Don't crack.

- It happened only once. There's no proof. - He's the proof.

His nose, his mouth, his gestures, his antics, his lies...

- He doesn't talk yet. - You lie without talking too.

- How much is it? - 6 francs, please.

Thanks.

Wait for me.

- Alright, in the car. - Move up, kids.

Come on Frédo, go. Oh, my Grégoire's so cute.

I'm going crazy. Do something.

Alright, quiet. Listen to your daddy.

Hey, asshole!

- The umbrella's not a weapon. - He's driving on the white lines.

He could kill everybody. Bravo! How did you get rid of Josyane?

- Excuse me. - Yes, why didn't Josyane come along?

Why, why? You really don't know why?

- No, I don't see why. - That's exactly it.

Josyane doesn't see anything either. Well, you know her. You know, Josyane...

- She's gone completely loopy. - She's blind.

Blind... the poor girl's blind?

That's exactly what I told Bunny.

Stop it. You'll poke somebody's eye out.

- Give me that. - I can't see anything, shit.

- Idiot! - Close that umbrella.

- What's happening? - The boat got punctured.

Hold tight, children.

- For heaven's sake, stop the car. - Brake then.

But I am braking.

- Papa, I have to pee. - Leave me in peace. Not now.

- It's over. - No damage? No damage?

Everybody's in one piece?

Careful!

- What? - Nothing.

Ladies and gentlemen. Good evening.

We're very happy to have been invited tonight at this party...

...given by Otto Krampe in the Byblos hotel, in Saint-Tropez.

Like we were happy 20 years ago to have been invited to the bal of...

...the Count of Esteguie In Venice. Our cameras were already there.

The same excessive luxury...

the same amount of champagne and caviar.

And the same crowd, from all over the world...

is being photographed by the sensational press.

All TV channels are filming here, covering...

the event of the season. The man called the Whale...

by his friends, seems to be celebrating more than...

just his birthday.

I'm very happy, because they followed my instructions.

- The theme of the Great Gatsby. - Why Gatsby?

I really admire Scott Fitzgerald. And I could be the last tycoon.

They say this party's costing you more than a million francs.

I never count money.

Oh, it looks so rich.

Bye, Frédo. Thanks.

This way, Miss.

I'll come see you tomorrow. I wanted to I trust you.

- Why do you say that? - No special reason. Because! Like you.

And I think you'll be great in this movie. Alright.

I'm off. They're waiting for me in Pampelune.

What are you doing? Are you coming?

- Hello, Sir. - Grégoire Lecomte.

I reserved a suite.

- There should also be a scenario for me. - Mr. Lecomte...

- I don't see it. - But look well.

- Grégoire, come. They're shooting. - Shooting?

Look there. The big guy. That's the Whale. My partner.

Ah, there... Mr. Lecomte.

Please fill in this form.

Look at that face.

But that's Radj Khan.

Is that you, Radj Khan?

Come, come.

Hello, Mr. Khan.

In the movie, he's the bodyguard of the other character.

- He's an untouchable. - A what?

Shh! In his country, it's an insult. I know things about you.

Look Bunny, regarde, I mean look... Shall we show her?

Shall we? Hop, hop!

Little sneak, you. What do you think of that? Here.

You'll see. Look.

He's the William Tell of Bengal.

Alright, show her.

Go on, give a demonstration. I'm not afraid.

- Camera! - Running.

One... The other one.

That's it.

Bravo! But it's not just me. I'm not on my own. Bravo!

Bravo, old chap, fantastic. Hats off. Turban.

- You scared me. - Guys, don't go.

- Are you the director? - Yes.

You hold the camera in your hand. The style of Lelouch. Bravo. Lecomte.

Scenario, schedule, work plan? I just arrived.

- So I need some information. - Who are you?

I'm the hitman, the one that kills the Whale.

- How do you see him? - Who?

Who? My character. How do I play him? Like a neurotic?

Relaxed?

- Extroverted? - Mr Lecomte, please.

Don't move, I'll be right back. Alright, little fellow. Good, good.

Who's the idiot?

Is the lady with you?

- Yes, why? - Your wife's already here.

- What? Which wife? - A young brunette.

She arrived at 1 o'clock and asked for your room. She's in room 203.

Oh God, that's Josyane.

- Don't you have another room? - Sorry, we have no vacancies.

- So are we going up? - No, down.

Buy some evening gowns, beach wear, anything that takes time.

- I mean, take all your time. - Thanks. Which colour do you like?

Is it you? Did you come? Are you here?

- Where is she? - Who "she"?

The slut from the Rue des Lombards. From the Place Pereire.

Don't come down. I'll come up.

Place Pereire, place Pereire... Rue des Lombards...

A slut... ah! That's Frédo's mistress.

- Frédo has a mistress? - Not one, he has 12 of them!

Dozens! Frédo's a maniac. Now, the little lady you mentioned...

I'm glad you brought her up.

He seduced her and abandoned her again. And seduced her and abandoned her again.

This morning, at the Place Pereire, before going on holiday with the family.

Do you know how many dogs are abandoned like that, before the holidays?

- But you were at the Place Pereire. - Yes, I was. He asked me to...

- Take her back to the dog kennel? - Yes. No. What are you on about?

I had to tell her he couldn't go to the Galapagos Islands with her any more.

And that asshole promised her to go to the Galapagos Islands with her.

Because he had to take the Concorde in the morning to discuss...

Woody Allen's contract in New York.

- And did the silly cow believe you? - No, she didn't.

- Frédo, father of 5, a sex maniac? - Well, that's why he has 5 children.

Hello? Yes.

- It's me, Bunny. - Work.

I found some things. Except I hesitate between 2 colours...

- pink or beige. - Shirt 46, pants 44...

- waist 67, head 18. - What are you saying? Are you crazy?

- Who is it? - The dresser for the costumes.

Josyane, darling, run me a bath, because I'm beat.

- Yes, yes. I'll come down to try it on. - Don't worry, I'm coming up.

Shit, shit!

- Hello? Who's calling? - I'm not there.

- Mr. Krampe. - I'm here.

It's the Whale, my partner Hello?

- Hello, Mr. Lecomte? - Speaking.

Mr. Lecomte, is your telephone wire long enough...

- . . to go out to the terrace? - Wait, let me pull.

I'm referring to the telephone wire, of course, not the trigger...

I can see you.

Can you see me?

- I don't speak German. - I have a proposition for you.

One second.

I'll get it. Otto, I'm in trouble. I'll make myself up and come down.

I'll get it.

- It's the lady who... - Shh!

Evening gowns, dressing gowns, beach wear...

- And this... little packages. - Is that for me? Grégoire!

When they told me you were here, I remembered the shop downstairs...

Only the waist could be a bit wrong. Just a warning.

Oh darling, oh listen... I love you.

- If you only knew... - But it's nothing.

Oh, I love it.

And that? Oh, pink!

- Oh, this one's beautiful. Beautiful. - They had one in uniform blue...

I liked it, but I thought you already always wear blue...

You thought of that? I've been unfair. I'm ruining your life.

- But I'm so jealous. - Oh, it's nothing.

Did you try it? It's going to overflow.

Your bath is overflowing.

- My basket. - Your basket? Your...

What did you say?

Her basket, ah basket! Ask it.

I was going to ask it. Are you coming with me? You're so beautiful.

You're fantastic. Show yourself. Come. I'm proud of you.

You gave me a fright.

Go, go!

Let's go. Where do we do the make-up?

Face paint, you understand?

Grégoire, is that you, darling?

Ragoutoutou, ragout for my pooch. I love it very mooch. Woof, woof!

Are you there, my pooch?

Alright, I'll wait for you downstairs.

Handsome fellow.

- What's his name? - His name's Radj.

And his teeth. Better than Omar Sharif. How do you say Omar in English?

- Forget it. He has no sense of humour. - Maybe no sense of humour, but...

Don't get worked up. He's an untouchable.

He's furious.

Excuse me, Madam.

I missed a step.

Is the bar that way?

Listen, be nice. We have work to do. There's no time for joking around.

I know. Do you like the costume? I took the blue one.

- Like my eyes. - Grégoire! Come on.

- I'm coming. - Wait!

That's my girlfriend.

- Grégoire. - Oh, shit.

I'm coming.

I'm off. Excuse me.

- Excuse me. - Madam...

I'm looking for Mr. Lecomte. Did he go back to his room?

No, Madam. The key's here.

Grégoire Lecomte, room 203. The key, please.

But hurry up.

Give me that. Give me that. I need it.

But you're mad.

Be reasonable, please.

You'll get other parts.

That's enough. You're pissing me off.

Yes, that hurts.

Let go of that.

- Mr. Krampe! - Yes?

Wait, I'm coming.

Otto, do the whale for us.

Otto, the whale! Otto, the whale!

Grégoire, are you there?

Did you go to bed?

Now he's asleep.

It's you?

You're here, but you are crazy. We can't.

But you're so beautiful.

The moment I saw your steamy look, I knew I would succumb.

Are you emotional?

Let Josyane do.

Relax, you're all tense. My Indian, my Hindu.

Don't act so cold.

But that's my umbrella. Hey, Otto!

Otto. Doing the backstroke?

- Otto. - He's dead.

What are you saying? You filmed his death? But I'm the killer.

I had to... But nobody told me anything. Unbelievable.

I'm in trouble now. This can't be serious.

We'll do it again. Come on, everybody.

It'll be good, you'll see. Alright, Otto, let's do it again.

But he's really dead.

But I...

- She pulled the trigger. - I eliminate.

Give me. Hello, Sylvette? Sylvette, do you hear me?

- Hello, Sylvette. - Hello. Did I get him?

Bull's eye. He had that coming. And Krampe?

- Don't go swimming straight after dinner. - Case closed. We're packing up.

- We're going back to Paris. - I'm staying.

- For long? - Maybe.

Come.

But Grégoire.

With the cops, you get out first and talk later. Come on.

Did you kill a man, yes or no?

- He'd have shot. It was him or you. - Listen, we're going to South America.

I'll hide you on the farm of an ex Nazi.

- No cop will find you there. - But I am a cop, Grégoire.

Look at me. I work for the secret service.

You're a cop?

With your cute voice? And your hair all...

- You're a cop? - I'm a woman, Grégoire.

That's the only thing you were never wrong about.

And Krampe's not an actor?

And Barberini's not a producer? And the Hindu with his knife?

Non, but no, no! But that's...

At least, this is really an umbrella, no?

Hypodermic syringe, filled with a lethal, fast working poison.

A syringe, a Hindu, Saint-Tropez, a traffic warden dressed in blue...

a cop who thinks she's Marilyn, corpses, lots of corpses...

It may not be a movie, but it's a bloody good story.

Cannes, one year later...

Grégoire Lecomte, were you expecting this success?

- My wife did. - Please let Mr. Lecomte through.

Grégoire Lecomte, you wrote, directed and acted in your own movie.

- Where did you get the money? - Thanks to me he found a producer.

I always loved taking risks.

A couple of months ago, I told the story to Don Barberi... to Mr. Barberini.

- He signed a contract right away. - It was a proposition...

I couldn't say no to. We're going.

Bitch.

Come on, let's go.

Go, go, drive. Quickly