Original subtitles

Don't worry, son. Tomorrow we'll be rich and safe in Paris!

Watch Bao.

You won't escape.

No one steals money from the Chinese mafia.

Passports and tickets?

Here's your money.

Bernard Ciccolini? Are you crazy? My son's half Chinese!

I stole it from a Corsican.

You're lucky. He could have been named

Napoleon.

You're a dead man.

Hide Bao.

Keep Bao.

Meet me at the junket.

Two empty tables?

No reservations after 10:30. Fill 'em up!

No empty tables at Carco's!

Fill her up, Dédé.

GUARDIAN ANGELS

The no-shows just showed up.

It's a senator. He got stuck in traffic.

Seat him at the bar with champagne on the house.

Keep it snappy tonight.

- Hey girls. - Hi, Mr Carco.

Show your legs, Chook Chook.

They're gorgeous.

Remember to make eye contact!

You know the rule, Electra.

No funny stuff with customers.

A customer? He's a cousin from the South.

Antoine Carco's no moron!

Next time you're fired. And this is bad for your skin.

Regina won't go on.

What is it, baby?

Fire Chook Chook Nugget. It's her or me!

What now?

She's hitting on everyone, including you!

She bad-mouths me.

She wants to take my place.

- Regina Podium, 2 minutes. - No way, Lucky!

Baby, it's a full house!

A senator came just to hear you sing.

Straight from Hicksville!

I'll go cause I'm a pro. But if ever I hear any gossip

about you and Chook Chook, I'll rip your eyes out!

Break a leg, mon love.

Artists...

Good thing I'm level-headed.

Italia is winning 4 to 0.

Let me take care of this.

Can't you take care of your Regina instead?

Stop complaining.

Next week, Electra's replacing you. We'll go to Bermuda.

Antoine Merignac?

Who is this?

Ivan, pussycat.

Ivan Radmilo. Sticky Fingers.

- You remember! - Sticky?

I'm in Hong Kong. I need you.

I'm sick as hell.

What's wrong, pussycat?

Terminal cancer.

I'm stuck in the hospital.

That's awful.

I'll say!

Your sister said you made it big.

I screwed up bad.

Except for my kid.

He's Chinese. Real cute.

Soon he'll be an orphan,

hounded by thugs. Come get him.

You pop up out of nowhere after fifteen years!

"Merignac" is history.

My name's Carco now.

- I saved your life! - I know.

But I've changed. I'm a big shot.

I've gone legit.

I saved your life in Rangoon.

I blew up the courtroom. You forget fast.

I don't, pussycat.

I have a new life now.

He's on a junket. Here's the address.

You're being pushy.

His name's Bao.

I gave you a nickname.

Only he knows it.

What is it?

Oh, that's cute. Real cute.

He's just a kid.

He has a message for you.

I hid 15 million dollars for him. 20% for you.

A good sum.

How did you get it?

Find the kid's mother.

She's Chinese. Lily Wong.

She lives in Brussels with a painter.

Hold on, pussycat.

Keep me out of your love life.

Swear you'll come, Antoine.

I swear, pussycat...

You're my only hope.

You're breaking my heart...

Did you get a second opinion?

You'll keep your kid, pussycat.

You have to keep faith, pussycat!

Who is "pussycat"?

You won't believe me.

An old pal. It's been 20 years.

I don't believe you.

A splash.

Just a small glass.

- Mother Angelina? - Father Noze...

You called?

Let me tell you

how grateful the kids and I are.

The Sisters and you have filled their hearts with joy.

It's the Lord who guides us.

I have a favor to ask you.

You're still leaving tomorrow?

I'm retiring next year.

That means 40 years of archives to take back.

Heavens!

Could you take just a quarter of them?

The kids and I will share the load gleefully.

It's here.

A quarter of this?

No, this is it.

The rest is next door.

In addition...

I'd like you to take these trunks to the bishop.

It's our accounts for the past 20 years.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Marvelous!

Just a drop.

You speak Chinese?

I get by.

Sandrine, this man speaks Chinese!

Can you say "How do you do?"

Of course...

Careful with the tones. One word can mean tons of things.

Jerome, Rachid, and I will help the boat people.

Why us?

The rest of you can go swimming.

Beware of sharks!

It's always us. It's not fair.

If helping hungry refugees is unfair, don't come.

I'll do it alone with 80-year-old Mother Angelina.

Then things will be fairer.

- Okay, Padre. - Don't say "Padre"!

Sorry. The slop slipped.

Does it hurt?

It's excruciating!

I'm mortified, Mother.

It sticks like shit, Father!

Rachid, be polite!

Stop clowning around! Try harder!

- Congratulations. - It was an accident.

All over my socks.

Look at the splendid steel bird skimming the skyscrapers.

Super!

Super-duper!

How do you do?

No, I said...

He's dumb!

This is a first.

I learned Chinese 20 years ago.

I'm surprised you don't understand.

The morgue? Already?

Murdered?

He was killed?

This is too much!

Don't take me for a jerk!

He's almost a baby.

His mother... I don't know where she is!

I'm your Dad's buddy. I came to help you.

- What's your name? - Antoine Carco.

Wrong! I won't talk to you.

The nickname!

Hook. Captain Hook.

Bank of Shanghai. The key.

Take me to Mommy.

I can't.

Mr Mo's gang!

Climb up!

Hurry up!

There!

Is this a boarding school?

- Listen, Bao. - I want Mommy.

Bad gangsters are after us.

We can't cross the border together.

I want to find Mommy.

Sure.

First I'll get your money.

I'll make a short trip to Geneva, then come get you.

Meanwhile, you'll stay with the nice nuns.

I want Mommy.

Cut it out. We've got no choice.

Can I see the director?

Jerome!

What are those disgusting dried frogs for?

- To make nice purses. - Enough!

I won't take you on a trip ever again!

Come on, Padre.

Don't call me...

Mother Angelina want speak you.

Finish packing, but in silence.

I'm coming.

- Your son? - Yes.

His mother is Chinese?

Yes.

What you've told me is so tragic.

Tragic.

Did you ask to see me?

Yes, Father Noze. This is a fellow Frenchman, Mr...

- Ciccolini. From Corsica. - Father Noze, "z" as in "zoo".

Mr Ciccolini is an engineer.

He's working on the Peking subway.

I thought the Germans were.

They were. We managed

to win back the contract. I'm off to China.

I can't take my son.

He wants us to keep him until he returns.

But it's not possible.

We can't take anyone till September.

I asked my wife to come from Paris, but she's in mourning.

Snookums just lost his Gramps. But he doesn't know yet.

He was bicycling and got squashed by a truck.

On your way back, you can take him to his mommy.

I'm sorry. That's impossible.

He's almost a baby. We're up to our necks in baggage.

We must help fellow Christians.

- He's a practicing Catholic. - I sure am.

My brother was a seminarist.

That's nice, but I have 7 rowdy kids.

And with your 500 pounds of freight,

the trip back will be a crown of thorns!

If Father doesn't want to help, forget it.

I never said I wouldn't help.

I spend my life with serious problem kids.

I know what "help" means.

Well...

one more kid won't make a difference.

Great!

As a Christian, it's nice to know the Church won't let you down.

Here's his passport, his ticket, and a few hundred bucks.

There's no need.

He'll eat for free on the plane.

Great! $20 for you, Mother.

Who'll be picking up Bernard in Paris?

Call him Bao. His Chinese nickname.

He hates "Bernard". He's very close to his mother.

Shall we call her?

I'll do it later. To save you the call.

Do it now to fix the exact time and place.

Here. Dial 0.

Carco's.

- It's Antoine. - Hey, bro. Still in Hong Kong?

What's the difference between an ostrich and a coffee table?

An ostrich is a bird

that sleeps standing up and a coffee table's a piece of furniture.

Dumb, isn't it?

Yes, very. Very!

How is poor Luna?

I'm sad not to be there, after her dad's tragic death...

Her dad died? Shit!

I have to go build the Peking subway!

The Peking subway? Are you stoned?

The poor man can't even go bury Gramps.

Put Luna on.

She's in tears.

No, she's on stage.

Rehearsing with the sea lion.

She just slipped on an iceberg.

Should I put on Regina?

No, don't bother Granny Regina!

I've planned the kid's trip back.

She has to meet Father Zoo at the airport tomorrow.

Noze. Father Noze. "Zoo" was to explain the "z".

A priest is bringing him back.

I don't get it. I'll get Luna.

Leave it to me.

- No, she's in shock. - I can handle it.

It's my job... Hello?

Hello? This is Luna.

I share your pain.

But hope can be found even in the worst times.

- It hurts, but it's no biggie. - How noble.

- Who is this? - Father Noze, "z" as in "zoo".

We arrive...

at 5:30.

Air France flight 560.

I'll have 500 pounds of baggage with me,

so I can't keep Bernard for long.

Bernard?

I'm sorry. I mean Bao.

This is all so new to me.

Who's the freak?

Darling, it's me.

She's stunned.

Cheer up, sweetheart. It's me.

Mr Carco? Is this a joke?

Bao is in the best of hands.

Be at the airport tomorrow.

I'm counting on you.

Life goes on...

I miss you a lot.

You're in a great mood!

Would you do me a favor:

Hire my brother as a bouncer.

Well, I don't want to hurt Dédé's feelings.

This call is getting expensive.

How will I recognize her?

You can't miss her. She's Chinese.

Very pretty. Nice body.

Amazing boobs.

Boobs. Amazing boobs.

Carco wouldn't talk to you?

He just called Luna from Hong Kong.

He's after Luna now?

He's taking care of Luna's kid.

I'm not sure. Go ask Lucky.

Hey, honey.

Hello.

Say goodbye to Daddy. You won't see him for a while.

He's not Daddy. He's Captain Hook.

Oh yeah... Hook...

Gramps gave him Peter Pan. Now he calls me Captain Hook.

Or Tinkerbell...

The Captain wants to talk.

Change of plans. You'll go back to Paris

with Father Zoo.

A woman you don't know will meet you.

Your Mom's best friend.

She's Chinese. Her name is Luna.

Easy to remember.

Liar!

No I'm not.

I can't come because of the gangsters.

I'll catch up with you and Luna later.

Then we'll go find mommy. Okay?

I'm off. Thanks for everything.

You're great!

What is this?

I went to grad school in Paris.

Great.

My wife and I inherited this. What is it?

A $300,000 bond.

Anyone can cash it in any bank in the world.

We offer some excellent investment plans.

I'd rather keep them and respect Auntie's last wishes.

Watch out for pickpockets in Hong Kong.

With our compliments.

Put on Luna.

Sorry about that phone call.

So the airport was a gag?

No, go in mourning.

Look devastated.

I'm sending you a kid via a priest.

Can't Regina do it?

She'll think the kid's mine.

Who cares if he is?

He's the son of a friend who died.

Hey, I'm no dummy.

Keep the kid for a few days

until I can send him away to school.

Father Zoo thinks you're my wife and that you're in mourning.

The kid thinks you're his mom's friend. Get it?

I'll owe you one, sugar.

Was that Carco?

Don't tell anyone. I have to pick up his son tomorrow.

He has a son!

Christian Dior!

Don't bother helping.

Careful with the luggage.

Padre, the carriages are busted.

- You're too cheap for porters. - Be polite!

What are you doing?

That's just great.

What a mess!

Get back over there!

He's crazy!

Banana Noze almost got squashed.

They're nuts!

Whoops!

Go to the airport.

Jerome, be a good boy and find Air France.

Sure thing.

I thought I'd missed you.

My plane's delayed.

I wanted to give Bao a goodbye kiss.

Stop squeezing me, Captain Hook.

Do you often hang on buses?

No, Father Zoo. Let me explain.

Not Zoo. Noze - O.Z.E. "Zoo" was just an example.

I hopped on the bus because

a Toyota nearly ran me over!

Us too!

They almost squashed Father Schnozz.

It was a close shave.

Save your energy to carry the bags.

I'll give you a hand.

Careful, careful...

Go easy on the bags.

Are all these bags yours?

There are 8 of us. We can divide them up.

Let me see...

Be careful.

They're a holy woman's archives. I'd hate to chuck them.

What's all this hubbub?

Can we buy some freaky masks?

Not now.

I'll take them shopping.

Look what you've done!

Wait up!

Hook, I want these two...

Bring back the change.

Don't 7 light children

compensate for the extra bags?

There's no connection, Sir.

Who is Father Zoom?

Noze, "z" as in "zipper". Not Zoom!

So you're Father Zoom!

Hook!

Can we buy some too?

Cool!

I'm going to the john.

- Where did you get that junk? - Captain Hook!

Has he left?

He could have said goodbye.

Would I steal a wallet?

It must be on him. We tailed him here.

My papers are inside.

- Excuse me? - Strip!

This stays with us.

If I ship most of it, I only pay $300.

Hurry up.

Let me just put my agenda in here.

I'm finished.

I'll check this suitcase in.

I'll return your masks in Paris.

An unfortunate mistake.

Thanks to this charade, I'll miss my plane.

One first-class ticket to Paris.

The plane is already boarding.

- My wife's in labor in Paris. - I'll check.

If I buy another seat for a friend, do I get a discount?

We're spoiled. Chicken, black beans, fried rice,

2 egg rolls and chocolate cake.

Dinner will be a real treat!

Johnny's pissing me off!

- You want a slap? - It wasn't me.

Let's go wipe that off, Yasmina.

Johnny can be such a pain.

Wait, you'll splash me.

Serve another meal for a priest I know in coach.

- Of course. - I like spoiling him.

I understand.

Some guy claims rice is being shot at him.

You're here?

The consul called the airport

to tell me that the Germans won the contract.

So I said,

"Pierre, I'm going to Paris with Bao."

- We'll see mommy soon. - You're back, Captain Hook?

Happy to see ol' Hook?

After our chicken and beans we'll come visit.

There's room in first, so I ordered dinner for you.

I'm flattered but I can't. Take your son instead.

No, please, come on...

I must be fair with Bao's new friends.

If you treat him to dinner, no one can complain.

I'm not raising him like that.

I can't flush your ticket down the toilet!

I can't leave the children.

As a favor to me...

The truth is...

I have the heebie-jeebies.

If it's a question of helping others,

that's different.

I'm having a bite with Mr Ciccolini up front.

In first? Lucky stiffs!

Mind your own business.

- Watch Bao. - No problemo, Padre!

I'll take your attaché case.

I don't need it.

You may need a kleenex or a pen?

Call the stewardess if you need me.

Okay, Padre.

Chow down!

- He calls you Padre? - He's a wise guy but a good kid.

Rough but reliable.

Do you smoke?

So you're a missionary?

I wish I were. No, I'm just a simple priest

from a charming lower-class suburb.

I raise money each year for an educational trip.

I show the kids that their problems are peanuts

compared to those of the truly poor.

How original.

Some people I know could use a good educational trip.

After working like dogs,

they'd be grateful and stop wanting raises.

We don't work like dogs. The kids love it.

I'm talking human problems, not financial ones.

Of course. Everyone should do that stuff.

Bums were never my cup of tea,

but I bet they do you a world of good.

More than you think.

I was brought up a strict Catholic.

Midnight mass, the pope-mobile, the Red Cross...

Pour some for Father.

Just a sip.

- What a bouquet! - I'll say!

And the quail...

It'd make anyone a believer!

As a Catholic, how do you find John Paul II's positions?

Positions?

What did you think of Splendor Veritatis, his encyclical?

His encyclical...

As far as encyclicals go, I think it's great.

Many people believe

he's at odds with today's lifestyles.

Even true believers, like your family.

I agree 98.5 percent with the encyclical.

I'm totally pro-Pope.

But when you say you agree 98.5 percent,

what about the remaining 1.5%? I'm needling you...

For true believers like me,

are the same!

But if you're not into that crap, the encyclical is just hot air!

No, thank you. I'm full.

- Coffee? - No, thank you.

Heavenly... The best meal I've had in two years.

But too much tiramisu

on top of the Cognac-Cointreau ice cream.

Yes, you did credit to the desserts.

I'll be right back.

It's busy.

Hurry up!

Busy!

Beat it!

Do you have a screwdriver? My lock is jammed.

- May I try? - A paper clip will do.

I'll see what I can do.

Here's the Captain's penknife.

How nice of him.

The penknife had an accident.

He was so fond of it.

I'll manage. Tell him I'm sorry.

My attaché case fell?

The compartment opened. Didn't you feel the turbulence?

The lock's ripped off!

It was like that.

A pickpocket with a razor blade.

A Hong Kong speciality.

It doesn't close now.

- Do you have super glue? - No, we don't.

It'll be safe here. No one can touch it.

What is it?

What are you doing?

I'm searching.

I'll be needing Bao's passport.

I may forget it tomorrow.

You dropped everything!

No, you kicked your bag in your sleep.

- No way! - I swear!

Tell me about your church.

I'd like to make a small donation to thank you.

How kind of you. We're trying

to gather some money to repair our steeple.

I'd love to help.

We need 180,000 francs. As of now, we have 11,300.

Let's do lunch next week.

I'll see what I can do.

Where's your agenda?

I got rid of it. But I'll remember.

You got rid of the agenda I saw at the airport?

With a humongous Virgin Mary on it?

A humongous Virgin Mary? I never had such an agenda.

I saw it! I'm not crazy! I saw it!

Oh, Catherine of Sienna!

Saint Catherine is not the Virgin Mary.

I'm disappointed in you. And Mary wasn't humongous.

I'm not big on Catherine. Where's your damned agenda?

In the hold.

Why do you want it so badly?

Just to write down our appointment! That's what agendas are for.

So it's in the hold?

- It's in this plane, right? - Yes.

Perfect. You should have said so.

"Perfect" is saying a lot.

When I think how much I paid in excess luggage...

As long as it gets safely to Paris.

I'll catch some shut-eye.

Nighty-night.

How about our lunch date?

- Our lunch date. - What lunch date?

I have catechism on Wednesdays.

We'll decide tomorrow.

I'm sorry...

Carco left for Paris.

Get the money in Paris.

And kill Carco.

My card.

Call me about our steeple.

We'll go through customs, then set a date with your agenda.

Saint Catherine...

I can remember a lunch date!

But I'll let you help with our luggage.

Be my guest!

- This too? - My agenda's in it.

- The agenda? I'll take it! - Get a cart.

Let's not waste time!

They're very light.

Follow Captain Hook!

Stop, please.

I'm coming from Hong Kong with the priest and kids.

Come here.

What could a priest be carrying? Hash?

- We'll see. - A problem?

- Is this yours? - Yes, my son.

I'm not your son.

What the hell is this? Priest harassment?

You let terrorists through with bombs

and you persecute priests!

He's doing his job.

No, he's not!

He's an incompetent ass! He's allergic to the Church!

I won't give in!

Watch out or you'll be sorry.

I'll say whatever I want. Who'll stop me?

Come now...

Father may leave. You, open your bags.

I don't have any. Is that a crime?

Calm down, my son.

- Hong Kong-Paris with no bags? - No, none.

It's true. How odd.

Very odd. Let's go take a closer look.

Don't go away.

- We'll wait outside. - I'll be back.

How did it go?

It was very positive. Wasn't it, kids?

- We slaved away. - Yes, we got some good work done.

Who's the kid's mother?

I'm the uncle, after all!

You're pretty hot in mourning.

Who am I mourning?

- Jerome seems happy. - He's a good worker.

What a babe!

Father? I'm his mother.

Mrs Ciccolini... my deepest sympathy.

Hey, I'm Lucky, Antoine's brother.

You're the former seminarist?

What? Oh yeah...

Look. It's your mommy.

What's wrong with him?

He's onto us.

Let me stay with you.

Don't you recognize your mommy?

Don't be silly...

She's not Mommy.

Kiss your mommy.

Why don't you kiss?

I'm not his mother. Antoine made me lie.

Now you know.

I'm sorry, kid.

What a circus!

They looked up my ass with a flashlight!

Mommy's here.

You're okay?

- So-so! Remember Gramps? - Gramps?

Forgot already? The one on the bike.

Oh, poor old Gramps...

Don't mention him. I don't want to traumatize Bao.

You're cutting my circulation off. I know the truth.

She's not the mother. You lied.

Yes, I'm divorced and I was scared to tell you.

Luna's my new wife. Lucky's my brother.

I had Bao with my first wife.

I've had two Chinese wives. Chinese are the best!

Bao's mother split when I fell in love with Luna.

Tell him, honey...

Disgusting!

You're all disgusting!

I've been spying on you sleazebags!

Regina, you picked the wrong time to come.

Who is she?

His fiancée, Father.

I wasted 8 years on this macho!

Now he's had a baby with this slut

who's only 2 years my junior!

You mean 22.

And with the blessings of a priest!

- What a Church! - Don't blame this poor priest.

Dirty Chink!

You're just a jealous old nag.

Control yourselves in front of this child!

Shut up!

Trust me. I can't explain everything here,

but once you know, you'll be thrilled.

Thrilled to meet your Chinese son?

- We're finished! - Honey!

Lying to a priest is disgusting!

I thought you were a swell guy!

What a let-down!

You really screwed up big-time!

Stow it! Give me the car keys and go calm Regina!

- Let me talk to Father Zoo! - It's Noze!

With a "z" like "zero"! No, "Zorro", no, "Schnozz"!

- You'll have a hard time explaining. - I won't try.

Now you're stealing from me?

No, this is mine.

I'm calling the police.

I used your agenda to carry something of mine.

Is this wallet yours? No.

One more thing: you're great with kids.

My family life's a wreck.

Keep Bao till I find his mother.

You don't know where she is?

Spare me your sermons. I'm in trouble.

I've no time to do unto others.

Will you lend me a Christian hand?

You can't abandon your son!

I'm not. I'm entrusting him to you.

I can't take care of him now.

This is for food.

You're in the charity business. This is a golden opportunity.

I'm doing this for your own good.

Captain Hook is mean!

You won't get away with this.

- Who'll stop me? - Your conscience.

You can't escape your conscience.

Your life will never be the same!

It'll haunt you night and day.

Abel's eye watched Cain from within the grave!

I hope there's a lot.

You've been a bad boy.

I'm hearing voices now.

I'll put this in my safe and have a nap.

You've become a bastard, kiddo.

Keep your eyes on the road.

Why did you slam on your brakes?

It's him! The guy in there!

He looks like me!

Empty. Was he ejected?

Ejected? My car's fine, asshole!

Watch your tone! You totalled my car!

You braked for no reason. I'm telling the cops!

There's a speed limit and you were tailgating.

That's what I'll tell the cops.

You're being naughty again, kiddo!

There he is! There he is!

He's back! Look at him! He has my nose.

He's floating now!

He needs a breath test!

Do you hallucinate often?

Never.

- Do you sleep well? - I have jet lag.

Jet lag! That's it! Go home and sleep.

You'll be fine.

Thanks a lot, Doc.

I feel better already. So long, guys.

A doctor can't absolve you.

He's back!

Give up. They can't see or hear me.

I'm your conscience. Your guardian angel.

What now? Another problem?

I'm invisible.

Even if I wanted, they couldn't see me.

You see him again?

Tomorrow I'll be fine.

You can be a nice guy.

Watch this!

Driving fast won't get rid of me.

Remember what Granny taught you.

Do your good deed.

Forgive me.

I'll sit here while you do your good deed.

I made a computer blunder.

I erased all of Mr Peuchot's files.

Computers are complex. Mistakes happen.

I did it on purpose.

To put the blame on Aurelie. I got her fired.

Move...

- How dare you! - You cast a spell on me!

I'm losing my mind!

- Wait your turn. - Shut up!

This is a House of God. Behave.

I'll behave after you exorcise me.

Make the visions disappear.

I'm not a witch doctor.

Say 3 "Our Fathers" and 2 "Hail Marys".

You're the one who threatened me!

"Abel's eye" is watching me now!

All the time.

He claims no one can see him.

But that bastard exists!

Is it God or the Devil? Let me confess so he'll go away.

Get in your box and listen!

Giving orders won't help. Beg for God's mercy.

I can't help it if you feel guilty.

I enjoy your suffering.

I refuse to let you confess!

Madam, I'm in no mood for your pitiful office gossip.

Come back tomorrow.

You can't just leave!

You really blew him off!

What's that?

And the old hag will stop boring you!

Don't act surprised. You just refused two confessions!

Thumbing your nose at charity is great!

Who are you?

That's better.

Thank you, Lord.

I need an aspirin.

Here I am, sonny!

Open up or I'll knock it down!

Bravo!

Still here?

If I'm bothering you,

stop letting money rule your life and I'll disappear.

Remember the sweet kid you used to be.

Bastard!

Father, some nice fresh eggs.

Monster!

It was a mistake.

You didn't respect a dying man's last wishes.

But the kid's safe.

You abandoned the cherub after stealing his money.

They'll find him a nice foster home.

My nightclub is no place for a cherub.

It's time to settle down

and have kids.

I'll set you on the right path.

- What if I refuse? - I'd be discouraged.

Discouraged, okay...

but will I be punished?

I'm just your conscience.

- I'm not violent. - No punishment?

- I can't hurt you. - Then I don't care.

Back to the kid's money.

I'll dry your feet with this.

He tried to electrocute me!

- Murderer! - It was a mistake. It wasn't me!

Who then? Me?

I scared the shit out of you!

- Satan, why me? - I'm the Angel of Temptation.

I'm with the tennis freak. I go when he does.

What tennis freak?

The bigamist's angel.

Mr Ciccolini has a guardian angel?

He's the good one, I'm the bad one.

- Lord, I've gone crazy. - We'll have a blast!

Look at that babe!

Scandalous!

Cute bottom!

So do we hear his confesssion or peek up skirts?

His confession!

I don't even have his address.

No sweat! I know where he is.

Hey, bro.

Regina just slapped Luna.

- I'm coming. - What is it, kiddo?

Shut up, asshole.

Mr Carco, I can take Regina's place.

I know her play-back by heart.

Regina's in your office, spewing insults.

Tell Marise to call René at Interpol.

Have him get the address

of Lily Wong. She's somewhere in Brussels.

Who's "pussycat"? If it's not Luna,

who's the Hong Kong mama?

I have jet lag and an ectoplasmic mass is chasing me.

I'm tired.

Then get a new life. You've already ruined mine!

- My Toulouse-Lautrec! - I'll kill myself!

We're not even high enough.

That's what you think!

Hands up!

- The money! - No way!

Wasn't killing Sticky enough?

He robbed Mr Mo and dishonored his niece, Lily Wong.

She's his niece?

Take that! Tell Mr Mo I'll get him busted!

- You'll kill him! - Let me go!

Thou shalt not kill.

What an ass!

Thanks for the garbage!

This can't be it.

It's a nightclub.

It's the address you gave me.

It was worth it!

You were less uptight as a kid, playing doctor with Magali.

I never played with Magali.

Who cares who you played with? Just pay the fare.

I don't do reservations.

- Look at those torpedoes! - Shut up!

Where is Mr Ciccolini?

- How rude. - But hot stuff!

Shut your trap!

Who's the dick interrupting rehearsals?

I am.

- What? - Mr Ciccolini please.

The address you wanted in Brussels.

Lily lives with a painter.

They're as decadent as you can get.

Know any Ciccolinis?

This is no place for you, Father.

- Why are you in this joint? - And you?

Uhh... a connection of mine.

- Why are you here? - Luna asked me to come.

She's the third on the left.

Your second wife. The fake mother.

- She wants my opinion. - About what?

Her new number. Very arty.

But they're topless.

You let your new wife dance naked?

She's not my new wife yet.

I'm with someone else now.

The boy's mother? Your first wife?

No, Regina.

That gorgeous bombshell you saw at the airport.

So you're a trigamist?

I have the problems of one but not the pleasures.

This is all so despicable.

And a child is caught in the middle!

Stop preaching! What do you want?

Your son has a strep throat.

He must have caught it during your show-down at the airport.

He has a fever and wants his mommy.

And he claims you're dead. Need I say more?

I'm here to find his mother.

Stay out of his life.

Can't you see he's trying to help?

Shut your face!

- Kiddo... - Shit!

Mind your tongue! I'm sick of you and your harem!

The police will find Mrs Ciccolini's address.

I'll give you it after the rehearsal.

- Take Zoo to the manager's office. - Whose?

The manager's! The manager's office!

You came to confess earlier. I was wrong to refuse.

The biggest sinners have priority.

You can even confess here.

A guardian angel's bothering you.

If you confess, he may leave us in peace.

Now you're talking! I'll help the owner set up.

I'll wait.

Your priest is bored stiff. He's had five coffees.

Have a look, Hervé.

- Sexy underwear! - Pervert!

- I prefer the real thing! - Stay put!

Filthy devil!

Here I come, girls!

He can't!

God, help me stop this!

Thank you, Lord.

Join the fun!

Shame on you!

Cool!

I'll wring your neck!

Come back!

Your priest went haywire!

He's nuts!

Missed!

I'm sorry. Have some champagne on the house.

- Sex fiend! - I almost got him!

Shame on you!

Next number!

Don't move.

Do girls make you go crazy?

I thought I saw someone I knew.

You broke an expensive table.

- Write the owner a check. - Who is he?

Someone I know. A great guy. Give him 1000.

The Chinese, boss!

You call your husband "boss"?

They're shooting!

Police? Carco's is being stormed.

Chinese gangsters are after me!

Hurry! We need help!

Do you own this place?

There are more coming!

Come on!

Am I squashing you?

- I'm fine. - Really?

When in Rome...

Next time: corpses. You have 48 hours.

- I feel like there are 3 of us. - Go for it.

Rub her boobs if you're man enough.

- Shut up. - I didn't talk.

I know you didn't.

It'll relax her.

I'm not listening. Talk dirty if you like.

I don't want to talk dirty, Father.

A simple misunderstanding.

I'm sorry. I slipped on a shoe.

Damned shoes!

Take that, stupid shoe!

It's indecent to have so many shoes.

- Are they gone? - What's this?

We hid. A Chinaman came in your office.

It was the Chinamen.

My shoes!

What did you do to my shoes?

Look, boss!

This is the Far West!

Are you in the mob?

No, showbiz. Do I look like a mobster?

I don't trust you anymore.

You're not a good Christian, but a bad liar.

Go home, sugar.

If I said I ran a cabaret, what would you have said?

'Night, boss.

"The first will be the last, and the last the first."

You're lucky.

You're the last of the last.

- The cops. - I hope you're up to it, Lucky.

I have some business to settle with Father.

What business?

- I wasn't here tonight. - Gee thanks.

Why are you running?

The danger's elsewhere now.

They're after my son.

- Where's Bao? - With my folks.

We better find him before he's kidnapped.

Is something wrong?

I'm shaken.

Have some Schnapps.

Don't puke.

I prefer root beer.

I behaved disgracefully with your shoes.

You were just scared.

How does your son fit into this?

His mother's the niece of a Chinese mobster.

It's getting better and better!

Where's your goddamned Christian tolerance?

Don't make him feel guilty!

Go to hell!

Nothing.

Trust the boss...

What boss?

Are you with Luna?

No, with Father... Hervé. We're going to his place.

You're sleeping at a priest's!

You exhaust me.

I'll burn the Jag and gas myself in it.

- Blackmail. - I'll drink bleach!

You'll see if it's blackmail.

Is something wrong?

If she thinks I'll give in, she's mistaken.

You chose to live in the fast lane.

We're making a U-turn?

If she dies, I'll never forgive myself.

She did it! She burnt the Jag!

The extinguisher!

- Oh my God! - A fortune!

Antoine, I'm here!

She's alive! Put it out!

Hurry!

It doesn't work!

Darn!

A Chinese gang did it!

- Call the cops! - No!

- Why? - It's about Hong Kong.

I'll save the tutus.

The costumes.

Oh darn!

Oh darn!

This is horrible!

What an unholy mess!

Carco, I deserve an explanation!

Pack a small bag.

What's going on?

- You're in danger here. - But why?

It's your son's fault!

He's the son of an old pal from Hong Kong.

- Pussycat? - I know you don't believe me.

Pussycat's a buddy, not a woman.

And you two buddies had a baby?

- I'm no dingbat! - It's true!

You never call anyone "pussycat", especially guys.

20 years ago, we were hanging out in Asia.

We called each other "pussycat" as a joke.

Back then, it was cool!

If "pussycat" exists, introduce me.

He's dead!

You're in over your head!

Something's burning. What's he done?

Pussycat, everything's on fire!

Another fire mysteriously started next door!

You need professional help now.

No! Get the hose.

I'll get an extinguisher.

I'm done here. I'm off to the neighbors now.

Stop it, dirty devil!

I'll stop you!

You called him "pussycat". So it's him!

You've flipped your lid... He's a priest!

Swear it's not him.

Careful! You can't accuse that priest...

- Swear. - I can't.

Covering up for a priest who had a baby!

If you knew how shocked he was!

Hervé had a Chinese girlfriend before he was ordained.

And last week, he learned Bao was his son.

- I took the rap. - Kiddo, don't lie!

Stow it!

Don't judge a book by its cover.

- He's a great priest. - So I see...

Take this!

Why are you watering my pool?

- You're crazy! - What a creep...

- I'll get you! - Just try!

I got you!

My roses!

The neighbors' house!

What's wrong?

Burning my house is one thing.

But why did they burn the neighbors'?

When I was struggling with that hose, I thought you should confess.

Not now, pussycat.

You call me "pussycat" now?

Keep it quiet...

I hate to bother your family.

They're warm people with big hearts.

What's that racket?

It's Bao's father and one of his friends.

They've come for him.

You can't wake him! He's sick!

He needs sleep.

Is this ruckus almost over?

Remember Lise is pregnant.

Thank you. This is an emergency.

Your brother's right. If Pops wakes up...

- Who is it? - It's me, Pops.

With more homeless?

Bao's father and a friend. They'll sleep in separate beds.

Who's the broad?

And he acts the prude...

Separate rooms for unmarried couples.

At your place, you do as you please. But here...

If your family knew everything, they'd be floored.

- Why? - Because.

Pops is yelling like... a madman!

- Hello. - What a babe!

Go to bed! He's my nephew.

He's a student in economics.

Pussycat, can we eat?

My stomach's gurgling like crazy.

Let me show you your room first.

Pops naps here. You'll sleep like a log.

Let's go eat.

A nice midnight snack.

Mother makes pickles every 5 years. Enjoy them.

- Not for me. - I'll have yours.

The water here is sparkling fresh.

I saw a bottle of beer in the fridge.

That's Pops' special treat. It's off-limits.

Let's dig in.

- All this talk has made me hungry. - No bread?

We'll lend Bao a coat so he won't catch cold.

He'll be thrilled to see your ex-wife.

- Ex-wife? - He was kidding.

Let's shut up and eat.

Tell her that the boy's mother,

your first wife, lives in Brussels.

Thanks, pal.

He's a real bastard, Father.

He told everyone you're Bao's father.

- What? - She's out for revenge.

No! Shit! Damn and darn!

A lie like that could ruin me.

She's Italian. A jealous feline.

She can turn into a hellcat! Don't listen.

You know women!

Who did that?

I did. I'm sorry. It slipped.

Never mind. Go to bed. Don't slam the doors.

A little angel.

What a cute kid.

Cute as a button.

Welcome, Mr Mo.

Take me to the train station.

- What about Brussels? - I'm going to mamma's!

Are you crazy?

I'm sick of these lies!

He's not my kid.

The only woman I care about is you.

I had a lousy night's sleep.

This washing machine made the walls shake.

I won't sleep with you anymore until we're married.

- Just like that? - Exactly.

Are you sick?

- Anyone home? - They went to mass.

That awful brother's upstairs.

- You're here? - Feeling better?

Much.

You'll see mommy soon. Pack your bag.

I'll be right back.

Bao's going to Brussels today.

No thanks. I have some bad news.

- Carco? - Where's Bao?

It's Bao and the Noze brother in return for the money.

- I need to get it. - I'll call back.

If you call the cops, they're dead.

- I'm calling the police. - Are you insane?

The Triad will waste your brother.

Don't knuckle under!

We'll shoot lead through their rice bellies!

Spare us your racist remarks.

Look what happened with the Viet Cong.

You're a bunch of cowards!

- Do you have the 15 million? - Do you?

- Of course not. - It's hopeless! They'll die!

Isn't Mr Mo your ex-wife's uncle?

Your uncle?

My wife left me. I have to find her in Brussels

to get Mr Mo's address.

I'll bring everyone back safe and sound.

This is mob talk!

Listen, pussycat...

Stop calling me pussycat! I'm not your pussycat!

What is it, Pops?

Your friend may need this.

It's all they understand.

The Vietnam War's over.

It serves your brother right.

Shut up!

I'm your grandfather!

I'll give him my rifle myself.

I wasn't talking to you!

And I doubt Mr Ciccolini will want your peashooter!

I'm coming!

I'll break my neck!

What an ass!

He tried to ice me!

It was an accident.

- It grazed your calf. - I like my calf!

Drive faster!

The fastest car I ever drove was a Daihatsu Charade.

They'll be back at 7.

He was in a daze. Sister Morphine, I bet.

Sister Morphine? Great...

Glad to see your ex-wife again?

Don't mention our marriage to her.

That guy said her boyfriend's jealous. Don't blunder.

Leave your bag.

Fancy cars are a target for thieves.

- So you forgive them? - Luxury is tempting.

Hitchhike then. I'm not slumming it.

Why humiliate a man who chose to walk in sandals?

Nag, nag, nag!

What a classy chassis! Good thing we came!

What a fox!

Who's the asshole?

I wasn't aiming at you!

You bible-thumping faggot!

Come now...

He wasn't aiming at you.

Did I ask you, fatso?

"Fatso"?

I'm the owner. Please leave. We don't like violence here.

Interpol sent us.

Where's Lily Wong?

You're a cop? The priest too, I bet!

He's my sidekick.

I use him for Extreme Unction, when necessary.

Follow me.

I'm not with Lily anymore.

She's in detox.

She couldn't live without her kid.

She's clean now. Leave her alone.

- Where is she? - A clinic in Jemmapes.

Want the number?

Why didn't we go straight there?

I'm calling the doctor in 10 minutes.

And there are no late-night restaurants there.

How can you eat?

Just thinking of my brother and Bao...

I'm hungry as hell. Is the chicken stew copious?

- Of course. - I'll take it.

- An endive salad. - Chicory, you mean.

Just a plain salad.

It's served with tripe.

- Or brains. - That too.

And a beer.

A pitcher!

Tap water for me.

Save me the last praline puff.

I'm calling about Lily Wong.

I'm her late husband's friend. I have her son.

I'm with Father Zoo. He knows the child too.

He's big on junkies.

I mean, drug addicts.

- Here's his puff. We're closing. - He's coming.

- Dessert menu? - I'm full.

Dig in.

You always loved puffs!

- You're wasting your time. - As yummy as Granny's!

Take a bite! Just to compare.

He'll thank you. He has high cholesterol.

Look at this cream.

Might as well eat it.

He'll let her out if we take care of her.

- I played up your being a priest. - Good for you!

I'll eat my puff, then we'll go.

I already asked. They had to give it to a regular.

Let's go. They're closing.

Sit back down! I reserved it!

- My puff! - He was so contrite.

He was crying.

Come on. We're exhausted.

I'm frustrated.

Worse than a weekend without sex.

I only have a room with a double bed.

Beggars can't be choosers. Do you snore?

The minibar. The bathroom.

And here's the bed.

Comfy.

The hotel's full. Beggars can't be choosers.

Temper, temper!

I won't use these.

If you snore, sleep in the bathtub!

- What are those things? - A nice gift from Rachid.

- If you like them... - I do.

Want some?

I don't eat candy.

I can't sleep without it.

Regina switched on the answering machine!

Forgive me.

I had a nightmare.

- What about? - A Sumo wrestler sat on me.

Go to sleep.

You're so macho. It serves you right!

Did I ask you?

You used to be so romantic.

The florist's daughter. Your first love.

You used to serenade her.

- I'd remember! - You don't?

Christ Almighty! You're a public nuisance.

Beat it!

Let me sleep!

I am.

What was that?

I threw your bag at my moralizing guardian angel.

Yours is moralizing? Mine is the opposite.

You have one too?

Does he look like you?

Mine looks like Shirley Temple in drag.

Mine doesn't look like me at all.

He's greasy, hairy and vulgar. Not like me.

- Is he preachy? - He incites me to sin.

- Do you? - No way.

I don't give in either.

Except earlier this evening...

he made me eat your puff.

What a bastard!

He loves to tempt me.

Let's switch. Mine's such a square!

Can't we oust them?

Your conscience is with you forever.

You have to learn to live with it.

Great.

When people confess, do you yell at them?

No, my son. We're not judges.

Even if it's a heavy-duty confession?

- Will it make my angel go? - I don't know.

The way to God is truth, not lies.

What are you doing?

- Now? - Yes, now!

May God enlighten us during this confession.

Speak, my son.

I'm Carco, not Ciccolini. Lily isn't my wife. Bao isn't my son.

I took these risks for a pal killed by the Triads.

What?

- Feel better? - My angel disappeared.

Mine too.

No news is good news.

- What's that song? - It popped into my head.

Catchy tune.

Hello, Doctor.

- Everyone calls me George. - Father Hervé.

So Lily Wong's husband died. What happened?

Run over. Hong Kong traffic's awful.

You saw the accident?

In fact...

He looked like a pancake. Nothing left of him.

Avoid such details with Lily.

She's clean now, but still fragile. Don't blunder.

Yeah, don't blunder!

Don't say Ivan's dead. Say he's on vacation.

Let's go get her.

- Take care of her. - I will.

I hope so.

She's a trooper.

- I'm Ivan's oldest friend. - So?

We were thick as thieves.

- That's not reassuring. - What a guy!

A desperado. I met him in '69, in Rangoon,

during a fight in a sleazy bar.

It was hot as hell.

Please get to the point.

He said to go easy!

He didn't know about our deadline!

He's a competent specialist. Let me do this!

Humidity in Rangoon can reach 100%.

Mosquitos as big as my fist.

Cut to the chase.

What will Mother say when they call?

Ask Miss Wong for her uncle's address.

And tell her her husband's seen better days.

Are you stupid?

The specialist said she couldn't deal with that!

- I've dealt with a lot. - See!

The mafia squashed Ivan's brains out.

Bao was kidnapped with Zoo's brother.

So now you know!

Happy now?

How crass!

- You wanted the truth! - In small amounts!

Water!

Lift up her feet!

And hike up her skirt!

Swine!

Where's Bao?

We have a tiny chance of saving him.

We must act fast.

I need an answer.

- What's your uncle's address? - I have no uncle!

You don't get it.

- Your uncle kidnapped Bao. - And my brother.

I have no family.

You're not Mr Mo's niece?

He kidnapped Bao?

He's not my uncle!

I was his manicurist and his girl.

Since he's married, he said I was his niece.

- You never heard that before? - What?

It's very Dickensian.

An old fogey's girl is his "niece".

I never knew that.

I think of my sister's daughter, not some old fart!

Stop rubbing my nose in your knowledge!

Don't take it like that.

You can be intelligent and uncultured.

Can we talk about my son?

- Are you on good terms with Mr Mo? - He hates my guts.

Let's jump her bones!

Filthy pig!

- Idiot! - It was him.

- Mine's here too. - Tell the truth.

The 3 million, your 20%?

That's mine. A gift's a gift!

I don't need two wackos talking to themselves...

That's the pot calling the kettle black.

Put on Luna.

I need a Chinaman with connections to the mob.

My brother, Lin Boo.

- What a sex kitten! - Enough!

Stop it, pervert!

Here they are.

Mr Mo owns Gitsen & Co.

and "The Smoking Mandarin" restaurant.

- Kids, there is a God! - Told you so!

No, not you, Mother.

He's in a private room.

You girls wait with Dédé, and Zoo.

Dédé, and Mr Boo...

It's Mr Lin. In Chinese, it's the opposite: Boo Lin.

Don't you speak Chinese?

We're not here to talk grammar.

- Downplay the violence. - Minimum.

- Reservation? - Yes. Dubois.

Create a diversion once I shoot.

- Restroom? - Not here.

Let's get the kid.

- I'm going in. - He said to wait.

I can't. My brother's inside.

Boo's a jock!

I have to go, my son.

- Zoo got nabbed. - Come on!

- That's not allowed. - I couldn't help it.

Hypocrite!

- Shut your trap! - Candy ass!

That's all, folks.

- You saved my neck. - Let's get Bao.

- Speak French. - It's Mr Mo.

Freeze!

- For once, I'm glad to see you. - Me too.

You found them, so go.

This place is full of drugs.

- Keep out of it. - Not on your life!

René, expect a big promotion at Interpol.

I just reeled in a big fish!

Lily, do you take Lin to be your husband?

Boo. In Chinese, it's the opposite: Boo Lin.

Excuse me.

Lily, will you take...

Boob...

How embarrassing.

Boo... to have and to hold till death do you part?

I do.

Boo, do you take as your wife Lily...

Late again!

Carco will bawl me out.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

- Kiddo! - Cut the crap!

Regina, do you take Antoine...

She's beautiful.

I do.

Antoine, do you take Regina as your wife?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

For Father's charity. He'll spend it wisely.

I'm proud of you, kiddo.

Don't go now. The fun was just starting!

- What is it? - Nothing. I love you.

- What is it, pussycat? - Can I give you a kiss?

Terrific!

Cut!

Gerard's stuttering now.

This is a House of God. Behave...

I'll pass.

When I say niece, I mean my sister's daughter

and not an old...

No! Cut!

I have the heebie-jeebies.

Typical!

Subtitles by Andrew Litvack

Subtitling: ECLAIR