Original subtitles

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

[laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy! - A a a a a a ah!

- Duncan! - Duncan!

Come to me. Give me the good stuff, Daddy.

[grunts] You're mine!

[grunts]

Please, I have children!

[gasps] The value pack is here!

The value pack is here!

If I'm like that at 40, shoot me.

You got it.

Duct cleaning, carpet steaming...

[gasps] Cheese on pie,

the Tollman's Semi-Annual Boys' Pants Sale.

No way you're getting Duncan to go shopping.

Last time you tried to take him to buy socks,

he bit you. - It still hurts when it rains.

But this time, I have a plan. Duncan!

Ugh, what? I talked to you yesterday.

Dunkie, how would you like to go shopping

for that Cyclops visor you've been wanting,

the one that makes lasers shoot out of your lives.

Ugh, the visor doesn't make lasers shoot out of your eyes.

It regulates the lasers that shoot out of your lies

due to a genetic mutation, but yeah,

that sounds great. Thanks, Mommy.

I bite her all the time,

and she doesn't take me anywhere.

So in order to shoot optic beams,

I will need to mutate my eyes.

Don't freak out. It won't cost money.

I can just stare into the sun more than normal.

Uh-huh, that's nice, Dunkie.

Mom, no, where are we going?

You said we were having lunch at Hooters!

Hey, this isn't the Doja Cat concert!

Wait, something's not right.

No, no, tell me more about those laser eyes.

No, traitor!

[metal clanks]

[laughs] Not this year, boyo.

Come on, son, activate eye lasers!

Oh, my eyes!

Excuse me, spunky sales gal,

would you measure my growing son's inseam?

Okay, sweetie, hop up on my pedestal.

Let's see how long it is.

Mom, why are you watching this?

Turn around.

He's gotten to be a big boy, hasn't he?

He just had a spurt.

Teenage boys and their spurts.

Oh, my God, please stop saying "spurt."

Okay, Dunkie, go try these on.

I'm so sorry about him.

He's actually much better than last year.

Thank you for dropping the charges.

How do they fit?

Great. Let's go.

Let me see.

You haven't even tried them on!

I'm not taking my clothes off.

Everyone knows this place posts videos

on German websites for pervs!

Tell you what, just try these pants on,

and I'll get you that "born to die" tattoo

you've always wanted.

I know you're tricking me again,

but on the offhand chance you're not,

I'll do it.

Ugh.

Four comforters, slightly damaged luggage,

and a conversation about the cashier's foot surgery?

What a great day.

Oh, my God, I forgot to use my coupon.

That's the only reason we came. [laughs]

Isn't that funny? Duncan, did you hear me?

Duncan, about the coupon?

Be right back.

Ugh!

Wha?

Whoa, is that a knife?

Damascus steel with a mother of pearl handle,

embossed with a Celtic symbol.

Oh.

Awesome. Today I become a man.

I'm glad I ran back in 'cause briefs are on sale.

Here, I'll hold the towel. You can try 'em on.

[grumbles softly]

[grunting] Ah!

[grunts] Ah!

Oh! Ah!

I don't know what sex feels like,

but it can't feel as good as this.

[knock at door]

Dunkie, do you know anything about the 24 holes

in this couch cushion?

Or "Duncan Rulz" being carved into the toilet seat?

Clearly the work of Jing. Get out.

[gasps] Our son is armed, Jack.

He's got a knife. - Calm down.

I know how to handle a knife. [grunting]

See?

Your precious furniture is fine.

Give me that!

You'll kill yourself and everyone around you!

I'm tired of you treating me like a baby.

I've got hair in five new places.

Number three will shock you.

You know, Annie, I did get a knife when I was his age

in Boy Scouts.

It was a good way to learn responsibility.

Yeah, I can use the knife to help around the house,

chopping carrots, gutting mackerel,

defending our home during the Purge.

Please.

Duncan and I fighting back-to-back in a purge,

I could use the help, honey.

New hair in five places, huh?

Well, maybe I do need to let you grow up a little,

my fuzzy, little wuzzy... Sorry, sorry.

[electronic bloops and bleeps]

Ugh, we're pinned down.

Commander Wolf, what do we do?

Flank 'em from the sides.

I'll come behind and tear 'em a new one.

- I will die for you, my king! - Now!

Oh, they're lighting my ass up!

Ding. Order's up, bitch.

[all screaming]

[all cheer]

Wolf, I don't believe in war,

but you just make it so much fun.

Stab!

[grunting]

Ugh, screw it. Hey.

Dude, that screen was the only thing

keeping out this camper's rightful owners.

Don't yell at me. Yell at my little friend.

[hums dramatic tune]

[laughter]

What's so funny?

Oh, it's just the idea of you with a knife.

You're more of a yo-yo guy.

Yeah, it's like a monkey with a guitar,

hilarious but not natural.

You're not even allowed to use paper straws

at school after all your eye jabbing accidents.

[laughter]

You guys think I'm some sort of clown?

No, that's me.

I'm the clown, Yangzi is the swag,

Mia is the brains, and Wolf's the alpha.

That leaves you the lovable goofball.

- Who's our goofball? - You are.

- Yes, you are. - You're a good, goofy boy.

Quit tousling me!

Listen, D, just give the blade to Wolf.

You're not a knife guy. - Says who?

Says those Jessica Simpson low-rise jeans.

My mom's coupons had exclusions.

Come on, let's just play the game.

Mia, you get flash bombs. Bex, grenades.

Yangzi, flamethrower. Duncan, you get the yo-yo.

Ugh.

Aw, Duncan died? Sad, but life goes on.

No, we're donating his pants to those in need.

Why would you give things to charity

when you can make money for yourself?

I'm listening.

You can sell your old clothes online at Stitch-U-Ation,

the clunkily named third hand clothes website.

I don't know.

Strangers walking around in my little boy's pants?

What does it pay? - Lots.

Someone sold a Rastafarian Bart Simpson shirt

for $1 million.

Oh, I just cleaned the bathroom with mine!

We were gonna donate this stuff like idiots.

How does it work, Kimberly?

All we do is post a picture of you

holding Duncan's smelly old clothes,

call them distressed, and then just wait

for the money to roll in. - Wait?

I hate waiting for something

I didn't know existed ten minutes ago.

Well, you don't have to wait too long.

You just got your first offer,

but it isn't for Duncan's stank-ass jeans,

it's for your plumber shirt, Dad.

Never.

Your mother hand embroidered my name on this.

They offered 75 bucks for that and Mom's track pants.

[together] 75 bucks?

- Ugh! - Screw you, charity!

[humming upbeat melody]

All right, we're doing this!

[humming upbeat melody]

Mmm, stolen burritos.

When you don't earn 'em, they're just tastier.

Wolf, please regale us with the spellbinding story

of how you pulled off this spicy heist.

I pushed a Postmates guy off his scooter.

- Damn! - Love that story!

Yeah, well, I got us these extra straws.

Ow.

[honking]

Oh, damn, it's Fat Ricky.

How does that goose always know when we have food?

Okay, be cool, be cool.

What up, Fat Ricky?

[honking aggressively]

Well, we live in this drainpipe now.

All right... [neck cracks]

It's alpha time.

Come on, man, I don't want to have to pluck you up today.

- [honking] - Oh, yeah?

You and what gaggle?

[geese honking aggressively] - [screams]

Whoa, ow, ow.

Chill out!

Take all of our food and our wallets.

[geese honking aggressively] - Ugh.

How do you want your friends to see you, Duncan,

as yo-yo boy or knife man?

Yeah, I'm sick of being the goofball

who gets laughed at. I've got hair on my butt crack.

That was number three by the way.

I know. I'm your pants.

Your goose is cooked, Fat Ricky.

[grunts]

[geese honking nervously]

Yeah, you better waddle!

Damn, Wolf, I thought you were a goner.

I had it handled.

I was just weighed down

by eating that double meat burrito.

Duncan, you just cut a bag right out of a goose's mouth.

Where did that come from? - I don't know.

Guess my knife man instinct kicked in.

[slurping]

- Whoa. - Whoa.

- Nothing but mouth. - My king.

Bex, chalupa. Yangzi, tostada.

Mia, fish tacos. Wolf, yo-yo.

It came with the kids' meal.

Cheer up, Wolf, and be sure to check out my line

of cute shower curtains.

[yawns]

Morning, beautiful.

That was quite a night we had last night, wasn't it?

Today is the first day of the rest of my knife.

Oh, I mean life. Sorry.

[bluesy rock music playing]

Ladies.

[together] Hey, Blade.

Yo, Blade, this dude won't stop bothering me.

Ugh, Friday nights.

Hey, the lady doesn't want to dance with you, bro.

I find your lack of chill disturbing.

[laser sword whooshes]

Whoosh.

[both grunting]

[chuckles]

Sorry about your glow stick.

You big meanie! [sobbing]

[cheers and applause]

All: Blade! Blade! Blade!

[grunts]

All: Blade! Blade! Blade!

Oh, ow! Worth it.

All right, you two, your Stitch-U-Ation page

is on fire, so we need to do this photo shoot

to build the Jack and Annie brand.

You're so oily, Daddy.

I could fry chicken on your T-zone.

Okay, you're not getting any younger,

so drop the robes and start working it.

We'll do our best, honey, but remember,

we're not professional models.

[upbeat music]

Yes, yes, work it. You're fierce.

Own it. Disown it.

You're tigers. You're pussycats.

Bodybuilder. Ballerina.

Janet Jackson. Blue steel.

"Home Alone." Chins up, all of them.

And death drop.

Ugh.

Oh, God, I'm spent.

I've done the best I can. Nobody look at me.

Extra tater tot. Thanks, knife.

I don't think knives are allowed in school, Duncan.

- Says who? - That sign.

[grunts] [chuckles]

- Whoo! - Yeah!

Kind of hot that I don't care about school safety, huh?

[sighs] Yes.

Oh, damn, the ankle bracelet kids.

No eye contact, no pants wetting.

Ooh, my parents said they are not buying me

another set of chains.

I'm just gonna smash my own sandwich.

- Duncan, 'sup? - Did he just "'sup" you?

Hey, heard you sent Fat Ricky down south early.

Sick.

Guess that makes you the alpha of this crew now.

[chuckles] Tough break, Wolf.

Hey, hey, this guy's my friend,

and he's still kind of sore

from when that goose sat on his face.

Dude, these guys aren't birds.

Let me handle this. - No, no.

You're in a lot of pain.

Yes, I am the alpha,

and I would appreciate it if you spread the word.

Cool, let's meet up after school, Big D.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

I mean, yeah, whatevs.

Uh, what just happened?

Normally you'd be wearing your underwear

as a headband by now. - I'm not surprised.

I bet they want me in their crew.

You shouldn't have called yourself the alpha.

Don't worry, I won't bail on you guys

to hang with cooler kids, but I probably will.

We'll still do our secret Santa though.

Oh, a whetstone for knife sharpening

would be so thoughtful.

People can't get enough of your stuff.

The big California Raisins T-shirt Mom sleeps in

just sold for 50 bucks.

Goodbye Def Leppard satin baseball jacket.

It'll always be weird to think of someone else inside you.

Come on, come on. We promised two day shipping.

Finish taping up those boxes.

I'll drop them off on my way to work.

Why are you dressed like that, Mom?

I sold most of my stuff.

Apparently, people draw the line

at old bathing suit bottoms.

Actually, that just sold.

Jing, trash bag me. - [grunts]

♪ I'm a knife guy ♪

♪ And I'm feeling fine ♪ Ooh, ow.

- Duncan. - Uh-uh-uh.

[sighs] Big D.

And go.

I know the alpha life seems cool,

but it's not for you, man.

I didn't choose this life. It chose me.

Being an alpha is more than carrying a knife

in your mom jeans.

They're Jessica Simpson.

Choose your next words carefully.

The ankle bracelet kids are gonna destroy you.

By saying you're the alpha,

your mouth wrote a check your ass can't cash.

- What the hell is a check? - Old people Venmo.

Point is, you're in over your head,

but don't worry.

I'm gonna help you get out of it.

I'm gonna whup you good. - What?

Don't sweat it. I won't hurt you.

I'll just make it look like I did.

Then I'll go back to being the alpha,

and you can go back to being the total sweetie

you've always been. - I'm nobody's sweetie.

- Huh? - Huh?

And what makes you think I can't whup you good?

Pretty much everything about you,

your noodly arms, you cry when you zip your jacket,

I've seen you carried away by a gust of wind.

Face it, Duncan, you're a wuss. - You're just jealous!

So yeah, there's gonna be a fight after school,

but not a fake one.

I'm gonna check out your ass, and my mouth's gonna cash it!

[grunts] Oh.

All: Fight, fight, fight, fight!

I always thought the first fistfight

would be you and me.

Uh-uh, Bex, you do not want to see these hands.

All: Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Kimberly, thanks for making us e-commerce tycoons.

I never thought we'd have enough money

to shop at the Nice Target.

I loved buying this new tracksuit,

and I'll love selling it next week.

It looks just like your old tracksuit.

No, it's double stitched.

And who ever thought we'd be a family

that could afford ForceFlex trash bags?

[straining] ForceFlex!

Jack, you're gonna get us robbed.

Jing, get back here!

Oh, ha, I thought they were my parents.

Oh, what an adorable but dangerous mistake.

- Hey, they do look like us. - And so do they.

That's why we've been selling so many clothes.

We've got a look, and everybody wants it.

[gasps]

Schlub Fest?

They think we're schlubs. - Oh, I get it.

They're hipsters wearing your old favorite clothes ironically

because they think the way you define yourself

is hilariously lame and gross. Oh, well.

Let's go back to Nice Target.

I want a Wolfgang Puck personal pan pizza.

Lame and gross?

I'm getting angry, and you won't like me

when I'm angry. [straining]

ForceFlex.

How dare they make fun of the way we dress?

Get up, Jack, we're going schlubbing.

Jing! - Sorry!

Wrong schlubs.

Good afternoon and welcome to the fabulous

Curves for Women parking lot!

[together] Good luck, boys.

I know I say this every week,

but this is the high school fight of the century

only in Oakdale.

[cheers and applause]

In the interest of safety, I will not be using my knife,

however, the fight will be to the death.

- Punish him. - Come on, Donna!

Yoga booty ballet is starting.

Before the fight begins, we only have time

for 48 questions, go.

Wolf, Tim Weathers, "Oakdale High Times,"

online version. - Always a pleasure, Tim.

In your last fight, you declared you were going

to break your foot off in your opponent's buttocks.

Do you have similar intentions for Duncan?

Yes.

Duncan, Jake Tapper, author, journalist, father.

Up until now, you've been known as the kid

who passes out while getting dressed for gym class,

and you've never had a fight in your life.

Do you feel ready? - Great question, Jake.

I'm definitely ready.

My scoliosis will allow me

to move in ways my opponent cannot anticipate.

All right, gentlemen, I want both of y'all to know

that I think of you as brothers,

and I cannot wait to see you pulverize each other's faces!

Let's do this!

[bell ringing]

[cheers and applause]

[grunting]

I can't wait to hide in your bathroom tonight

so I can watch you crap teeth.

Just try not to pee on me when I choke you out.

No promises.

I should really stop this,

but I want to ask Jake Tapper for an internship.

Scoliosis swerve.

Wow, he's riding that scoliosis like a wave.

[indistinct chatter]

[Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping" plays]

If you hadn't told me we were being mocked and insulted,

I would love this.

Whoa, you're Jack and Annie, the original schlubs.

Ugh, I love your gave birth

and never worked out again front pooch.

How'd you get that look?

You just described how I got that look.

That table will pay 50 bucks for a video of them

laughing directly in your face. - Mommy, Daddy, you're a hit!

When I grow up, I'm gonna be a total schlub

just like you! - That is it.

As soon as she comes by with that tray of little corn dogs,

we're giving them a piece of our minds.

- No, Jack, now! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[cheers and applause]

You take those ironic cheers back,

you smug, over educated, hot, young people!

You think we're lame and gross?

Let me tell you something.

We used to be in your shoes, which used to be our shoes.

The real irony is if you didn't spend all your money

on used clothes, you'd have a down payment on a house!

Oh, wait, no you wouldn't because you defaulted

on all your student loans!

[crowd booing]

Ah, kiss my front pooch!

Yeah, you'll never be able to afford anything

'cause we pulled the ladder up behind us, suckers!

We were the last generation that had a chance!

That's right!

We own two cars, and they both guzzle gas!

Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

[together] Gen X rules!

Gen X rules!

[crowd booing]

[crowd cheering]

Don't worry, Wolf.

I'll donate your head to the lice museum.

Your mom's gonna leave your dad for me,

and I'm gonna be your father.

This smack talk is getting really weird.

Let's see some blood!

All: Blood, blood, blood!

Blood, blood, blood, blood,

blood, blood, blood blood, blood, blood, blood!

[grunts]

[breathes deeply]

Sorry your step dad left.

Sorry your step dad came back.

You having the same memories as me?

Yeah, that toilet thing was amazing.

- Thanks. - [sighs]

I love you, Wolf. - What?

Huh?

[crowd booing]

The hell is this?

They've learned friendship is more important than fighting,

and isn't that the kind of story we need

in these deeply polarized times?

- Boo! - Quiet, Tapper!

[screams]

- Get out of here! - No!

- No! - You made me mad!

And one more thing, you PBR swilling renters,

Bernie Sanders will never be president!

[all gasp]

- Let's get 'em! - Ah, get 'em!

[crowd booing]

- You ready to do this? - Let's bust some heads.

[crowd screaming]

[heart monitor beeping]

Wow, getting punched really hurts.

So alphas have to do this all the time?

Yep, look at my Google Calendar,

and those are just my scheduled fights.

Doesn't include getting jumped unexpectedly.

Here, I'm not a knife guy.

I think I'll just go back to being a total sweetie.

[sighs] I love you, Wolf.

- What? - Huh?

Mom, Dad, what are you doing here?

Your mother and I got in a bar fight.

You? - School fight.

Doctor said I might be concussed.

Dunkie, oh, my God, did you rip

your new Jessica Simpsons? That's it.

As soon as we're discharged, we're going pant shopping.

No!

[heart monitor emits sustained tone]

- Oh, stop being so dramatic. - [gasps]

Ugh.

Okay, since you sold all your clothes,

we're gonna get you something actually cool this time.

[gasps]

The Craig T. Nelson line.

This shirt has a built-in girdle!

I'm done.

Here, Dunkie, these will look darling on you.

Go try them on.

I'm not going in those dressing rooms.

I told you, German pervs hide cameras in there.

[straining] Come on, Craig T.

Help me like my body.

[straining]

Mein Gott! Chubby papa!

Ich bin ein so horny!

[upbeat polka music]