Original subtitles

Oh, look who it is. My favorite stepmom.

Hey, what are you doing?

Studying. Trying to get into this college.

Oh, okay.

What are you studying?

Studying all kinds of shit.

Oh, well... Yeah, my college mentor, my college counselor gave me a

quiz sheet. It's full of all kinds of...

Unnecessary shit that I'll probably never use in the real world.

Well, that's good.

Do you need some help?

Why is that good?

I said it's unnecessary.

What is wrong with you? Are you going to do this for me? You want to do the quiz

for me?

I mean, I'm not going to do it for you, but I'll help you.

It's driving me crazy. I really don't want to do this shit anymore.

Maybe, maybe I can help with it.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah, of course.

I mean, I'm your stepmom.

That's what I'm for.

I know. I'm just saying, like, I'm a little just bummed out. I hate doing

quizzes. They gave me this thing. I can't remember any of this shit.

Okay. Well, I mean, let me take a look at it and see if I can help.

All right. Well, have at it.

It's not the most exciting shit we're ever going to look at.

I know you guys want me out of the house, and you want me to get into

college, so.

I mean, I don't want you out of the house. It's more like your dad wants you

out of the house.

My dad's an idiot.

He can pay for my college and shut his mouth.

Yeah, I agree.

Okay. What do you think about those stupid questions? Are they crazy?

Oh, dear.

Yeah, this is a lot.

I know. I'm trying to tell you. If I'm going to be a dentist, what the fuck am

I going to need any of this for?

Huh?

I mean, you are getting all D's in class right now.

I'm what?

You are getting all D's in class right now. You're getting all D's, but not in

class.

Yeah. I mean.

I see you look like you just got nothing. Never mind.

Dad, you better stop talking or I'm going to put you in timeout.

I wish you would put me in timeout. That would make me happy.

We'll see what we can do.

Alright, alright, alright. What's up with this quiz? You want to ask me a

question?

Let's see.

There's so many questions.

Yeah, well, we could read one.

Who won the American Civil War?

The North.

Yes, you're right.

I like how you didn't know that.

That's amazing.

See, I don't know how you're getting D's.

Well, that's one question. What the hell?

That's one question. What the hell? That's like the easiest question on

there.

When was the Declaration of Independence published?

Oh, I forgot.

You forgot?

I haven't heard that since I was in fourth grade.

Get your shit together.

What, the Fourth of July?

Yes. I was messing with you. I knew it.

Okay. What's the Fourth Amendment?

The Fourth Amendment is, I believe a judge has to have a warrant for search

and seizure.

Yes.

Yep. I know all about that.

Okay.

Let's see.

What's America's oldest city?

It's in Florida?

Yes. Is it St.

Augustine?

You don't even need my help.

See? I don't know. How the hell would I know that? I'm not from Florida. It's a

bunch of gators and humidity and crazy people down there voting for all kinds

of crazy shit. What the fuck would I know about Florida?

Well, you seem to know the answer to that question, so that's good. I might

end up in college there, too.

Maybe. I got it right. So that's four for four just now.

Yeah, you're doing really good. That's so funny. I could tell you didn't know

the 4th of July.

I knew what it was.

You asked for my help.

Okay.

Okay, let's see.

What happened during the Bay of the Pigs invasion?

Well...

Has something to do with Cuban people being very upset.

Okay, well, it has to do with Cuba, but that's not the right answer.

Well, John F. Kennedy tried to send off a secret operation in Cuba and it didn't

work out.

Okay, fine.

Or was that the conspiracy theory version that I just gave you?

Next question.

When was NASA founded?

That's a good one. I don't know. Let's see if you know shit about space.

1947?

No. Damn it.

I don't know. This is why you're failing.

Well, I don't know anything about NASA. What do I look like, an astronaut? I'm

trying to be a dentist. I'm not trying to fly rockets.

What kind of stupid question is that?

Okay, let's get your shit together here.

Let me get your shit together.

My shit's together.

What else do we got here? What kind of questions?

Who are the Sons of Liberty?

No idea.

Okay, this is why you have all fucking D's.

Are you talking about the people that wrote the Declaration of Independence?

I don't know. It's just that was the question that was asked.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

What else you got? Any other questions?

When was George Washington born?

1773.

No? No.

Damn it. You're close.

What was it?

1732. Damn it. I was a good guess, wasn't I?

Yeah.

Yeah. You know what? You're doing a great job. Did you know that George

Washington was a hemp farmer?

Was he? No, I didn't know that. Yeah, he grew hemp.

That's why when you look at money, it's green and it looks all tripped out.

You see? You ever looked at money before?

Yeah, I mean, of course I looked at money. I'm with your dad.

George Washington was a hemp farmer.

He grew weed.

A lot of people don't know that.

Let's see.

What was Benjamin Franklin also famous for?

I know he liked to work on electricity. That was one of his favorite things in

the world. Good job.

You're doing so good. He made a light bulb and it flickered on and off. And

then he flew a kite into the sky and discovered electricity. It was wild.

You're definitely going to get an A on this exam. You think?

Yeah. I'm pretty confident.

Are you going to keep asking me questions?

You can make some up too.

I know you know your culture, so you could ask me stuff like that.

My culture?

Yeah, like...

I don't know.

Cool clothing or something? I don't know.

Who are the seven founding fathers in America?

Let's see if you know the answer to this shit.

George Washington.

Yes.

Benjamin Franklin.

Yes.

James Monroe.

No. No.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah, I'm sure. James Madison?

There you go. Okay, I had it mixed up. Sorry.

You get 10 extra points.

What's that?

You get 10 extra points.

Yeah, I missed it.

James Jones. Come on, James Madison. You don't have to. John Adams. You don't

have to make some shit out to do for some extra credit. What about John

Adams?

Yeah. Yeah, great job.

Alexander Hamilton?

Yes. You know what, John Adams makes a mean cold beer. Oh, no, that's Sam

Adams. What the hell? I might have to give you some extra credit now.

Yeah, well,

you keep reading the questions. What do you mean?

Let's see.

Okay, so I'm going to quiz you again on these questions. Are you ready?

Yeah. Okay, when was the Declaration of Independence published?

Okay, what's the Fourth Amendment?

The Fourth Amendment is, it's illegal to search someone's property without a

warrant.

Okay, yeah, you're right.

When was George Washington born?

George Washington was born in 1732?

1742?

Okay. Yes, you're right again.

What's America's oldest city?

St. Augustine, Florida.

Correct.

Who won the 1980 presidential election?

Ronald Reagan. Yes, you're going to get an A+.

Let's see. Who was the first African-American president?

Barack Obama.

Yes. How could you?

Man, you don't hate me. You're going to do so good.

next question what was benjamin franklin also famous for inventing

electricity yes you're doing so good i'm so proud of you let's see

when was nasa founded i keep forgetting 1957.

Uh, no.

What is it?

1958.

Read a few more.

We'll get a quiz a little bit longer.

Okay, um... Who are the Sons of Liberty?

The Sons of Liberty.

I don't know. I think that's... That's cheating.

That question's not specific enough.

Yes, it is.

I don't know.

I forgot what question we were on.

Well, we'll discuss in the next one.

What's the Fourth Amendment?

You've asked me this one a few times. You must be afraid of getting the house

raided, huh?

Maybe. No.

Yeah. The Fourth Amendment is... Now we do have a side business.

Gotta have a warrant for a search and seizure. You can't go on someone's

property without a judge's consent.

I don't know if you need my help. I think you got this.

I don't know, a few more questions.

Let's see.

Who won the American Civil War?

The North?

No. No?

Yes, you're right.

Oh, see.

One more question.

Let's see.

When was George Washington born?

1742.

No, you're wrong. 1752.

No. Damn it, I can't remember that one.

1732.

All right.

I'm going to need you to get these answers right because we need to get you

out of the house. I thought you said you wanted me to stay and I was dead that

morning. Fuck no, I don't want you to stay. I can't understand what you just

said. I said no, I don't want you to stay.

Alright, I'll study.

Okay, good.

Hey, guess what?

What? I got into college.

Oh my god, that's fucking awesome.

I'm so proud of you. Now I can finally get you out of the house. I know, it's

so funny because when you were quizzing me, you were like I didn't know

anything.

Um, yeah, I mean, well, you know, you were having some problems at school. No,

I was having trouble remembering when George Washington was born. It was 1732

because you told me 14 times.

Yeah, see?

That's so great. I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, I'm going to be a dentist. Oh my gosh, you're going to have to celebrate.

I'm going to be a dentist and I can fix dad's screwed up grill.

Yeah, I know. I could put a gold tooth. I could give him a gold tooth right up

front. He would probably really like that actually. I know he would.

You have that crazy music he listens to. As long as you give me one too.

You want a gold tooth?

Yes.

You're crazy.

I don't know. Dental school takes a while.

Yeah, it does.

So, like, have you thought about where you're going to stay or who you're going

to stay with?

I was thinking about staying with that chick.

Oh, yeah. What was her name again? Was it, like, fucking, like, Haley or

something?

What? You sound like you're jealous.

No. You always get a little jealous when she was here. You were like, who is

this? I'm not jealous. What are you doing at my house?

Well, that's awesome.

I am so ecstatic that you'll finally get out of the house.

That's all you care about. You don't care about my education.

No, don't be silly. I care.

You care about as much as you care about... How long are you going to

school again?

Oh, you know, maybe eight years dental school.

Oh, fuck. I thought it was like 10.

Oh, well, that's still great. I'm super proud of you.

What, you think I'm going to move back in eight years? What the fuck is wrong

with you? You guys won't even be together anymore.

I mean, you know, that's what your brother tried to do, so.

Tried to do what?

Move back in the house. I was like, no, I need my alone time so me and your dad

can have crazy sex all the time. Yeah, where's he at now? He's with that

religious cult up in Utah. What's wrong with him?

Yeah, probably fucking some chick.

Probably fucking multiple.

probably he's in one of those weird cults now well that's great that's great

for him he's not allowed to talk to me anymore well anyways so i bet you're

super excited are you gonna drive down there with her what the hell why do you

keep bringing up this girl because i'm i'm intrigued i'm your stepmom i'm

supposed to know these things you're intrigued by some random girl i don't

even know if i'm gonna live with her yet you're gonna have to co-sign my

apartment

No, you're going to have to.

Maybe I'm going to stay in the dorms. Maybe that would be easier. I have no

credit history. I'm not staying in a dorm.

Dad's rich. What the fuck am I going to stay in a dorm for? That man's got

money. He's not rich.

Yeah, he is.

That's all.

That is not because I took it all.

No, you didn't. You lived together and you took it all?

Yeah, duh.

Yeah, right.

What are you making over there? You're making some soup.

Yeah, I'm making soup.

Soup.

It's like some kind of...

ratchet fucking point set or something is what it looks like no i'm trying to

be slick i'm trying to be slick so i'm so excited for you so when uh when do

you go off again probably january i could settle down for a few months

before well i mean i can leave before then but you know i don't know you guys

have to buy me a new car you guys have to pay for my apartment there i gotta

Find the apartment.

I've got to sign a lease.

You've got to put your name on it.

How far is the apartment from your school?

I don't know yet. I don't even know where I'm moving in. You haven't thought

to look?

No, I just found out I got approved.

What are you talking about? Why would I look for an apartment in the city I

don't even know I'm going to?

Because, sweetie, I told you that we need you at the house.

Yeah, well, I might really go to the house for at least a few more months.

I've got to find a place.

Have you co-sign, then I gotta move there and get settled in, then start

school. How about if I help you find a place, then we can get you out of the

house sooner?

That works for me.

Awesome. I think that's a good plan.

I think it's an excellent plan.

And then you guys can go to church without me, and you can finally, I won't

be bitching in your ear. So how are you gonna get around campus? Are you gonna

get one of those little, like, scooters?

No, you're gonna buy me a car.

Um, okay, yeah, sure, I'll get you a Subaru.

No, no cars.

I don't like those cars. Those cars are stupid.

I want a race car.

Or an SUV.

Yeah, we'll see if you're a good boy.

You'll get me an SUV?

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah,

so I'm so excited for you. That's so exciting.

You know, I had the best time in college.

So much fun.

Like the best years of my life.

Made so many friends.

Yeah? How'd that work out for you? Landed a rich guy, my dad.

Um, yeah, I mean, it worked out great. Like, I had lots of sex every day. Uh,

it was fun.

And he's never home.

You know?

Huh? Smoked lots of weed.

Dad's never home, though, so how could you be happy?

Uh, exactly. That is why I'm happy, because he's never home. Now I need to

get you out of the house.

Oh, then you could have your men slip over here and get down with you.

Yeah, duh.

Huh? See, you're so smart.

I'm glad you figured these things out.

Figure what out? That you want to cheat on my dad?

Yeah, I mean, we're in an open relationship.

No, you're not.

Yes, we are.

I don't know what that means.

That's why we always have those crazy sex parties.

What sex parties? Why are you telling me all this stuff? Because I'm going to

college. I mean, see, you started talking to me, so, you know.

Don't ask.

Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

I don't even know what that means.

Don't ask questions. I don't want to know the answer to. What the hell is

that supposed to mean?

Why you gotta be a smartass?

Don't ask questions.

That's what I do, is I ask questions.

Well, you shouldn't do that.

You know my dad talks better than that, not to ask questions.

Your dad's a dumbass.

My dad's a pimp.

Your dad's running shit.

Well, that would make a lot of sense.

Your man's got a law firm. What you talking about?

So, um, yeah, so have you got like all your books for school and stuff?

Um, you know, like, do I need shit?

Yeah, I do.

Good. I'm glad that you have this all figured out.

Because I was really worried.

What are you worried about?

You're a rich housewife. What have you got?

so you're gonna want some of this too i don't know maybe well you can't have any

So yeah, are you going to expect me to come visit you and stuff?

Am I going to expect you to come visit me? Yeah.

Probably.

Okay.

When is parents' week again? It's only like twice a year.

Yeah, I don't know.

You have to come in whenever you feel like it, I guess.

Oh, perfect.

You can't cook for me.

Cook for me and my friends. Oh, don't be silly.

You could always just let me take out.

I need her take out.

Maybe you never know what your friends look like.

Uh, I don't know. They're all dorky like me.

Oh, okay. Maybe y'all can go home.

Maybe you could buy me a car too.

You're so funny.

Just sit down.

Maybe if your friends come over, I'll think about it. Huh?

Maybe if your friends come over, I'll think about it. Oh, no, you're terrible.

You want to be in my friends' game, don't you? Is that what you want? I

mean, yeah.

Duh.

Oh, fuck.

Did you hear that?

I think Dad saw.

Oh, my gosh.

Put your pants on. Put your pants on. Where's my pants?

Right here. Where's that?

Fuck, I don't even remember.

Oh my gosh, go to your room.

Hey, what's up?

Um, nothing. I just got off work and, you know, this big ass pile of laundry.

It's not that big.

Um, okay, easy for you to say. What are you doing here?

Well, it's my last week and I wanted to make sure you were folding my clothes.

Oh, it's your last week.

Yeah. Oh my gosh, I'm super excited.

Yeah, I see that.

So are you enjoying folding my clothes or not?

Not really.

No?

Well, how was work today?

You know, it was okay.

It was good.

It was the best day of your life?

Yeah, really good.

So yeah, so it's your last week. So what day do you leave again?

Probably Saturday.

Okay, great.

I'm super excited for that. That's like what, like two days away?

Mm-hmm.

Perfect.

Two days.

You happy?

It's hot as fuck in here.

Yeah, I'm so happy.

I've been waiting for this day for years.

Jeez, that's so mean.

Why are you so mean?

I never claimed to be nice.

What?

Never claimed to be nice.

Well, are you going to keep folding or are you going to be lazy?

Keep talking all your shit.

So are you excited to go off to school?

Very excited.

Good. I'm excited to finally have you out.

Yeah?

I'm super excited.

Almost.

So are you going to drive down there like you would be disgust?

Drive? Yeah.

You're driving me.

I'm not driving you. That's funny.

Messing with a freak.

Yeah, how about that?

Little shithead.

I'm not going to be that excited when I'm gone. Oh, yeah.

I'll be excited. What are you talking about? I'm literally waiting for this

day for so long.

Yeah, I can tell.

You're gonna miss me when you're gone? Yep.

I bet you are.

You're almost done, huh?

Yeah, I'm almost done folding the second clothes.

apartments for me.

Can you do that? Yeah, I'll do that just to get you out of the house because I'm

really ready for you to just get the fuck out of here.

So you want to look at these apartments?

Yeah, let me see. You can help me find the right one.

Yeah, this one looks good.

Some of them look nice?

Yeah, they all look really nice.

You sure?

Yeah, look, this one's like perfect.

Hmm.

Hmm.

What do you like about it?

Um, you know, just the price is right and it's close to your school.

which would be really good to get you the fuck out.

I love it.

Yeah, what do you think about this one?

It's nice.

It's great.

Yeah, right?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Yeah, I think we should definitely go with this one.

What do you like about it?

You know...

There's plenty of room for all of your friends to come and visit.

And me.

Me and all your friends.

Which is great.

So we can have a giant party.

There's another one that's like about three miles down that would work.

It's like right across from your school.

You sure you don't just want to live in the dorms?

Let's see. Oh, this one's good, too.

And this one.

Hmm.

There's so many. It's really hard to choose.

I think they all look pretty good.

Let's see.

What do you think?

You keep telling me about it.

Okay. Two bedrooms, got a dishwasher.

Yeah, I mean, this one's two bedrooms, has a dishwasher, microwave, all that

fun stuff.

The other one's a one bedroom, which, you know, wouldn't be good because it

wouldn't be big enough for everybody to fit in.

Maybe something that's big that will have all your friends are able to come

and visit and me come and visit.

Let's see.

Yeah, let's do that.

I think that's like so good.

I think we should go with the two bedroom versus the one.

It's perfect.

And there's a three bedroom too.

Yeah.

That actually might be best.

That might be better than the two-bedroom.

Huh.

I don't know. It's going to be expensive.

That's okay. You got it.

I think that I can afford it.

You know, just get a job and, yeah, you'll be able to. A job can't pay for a

three-bedroom this year.

I think so.

Well, I think we've made our decision.

You think? You like that apartment?

Yeah, I love that apartment.

Yeah. All right. I guess we'll go with it.

Yeah. I'm really sad that I'm gone. I can't see every day now.

I'll come and visit, especially when your friends are in town.

All right. I'll let you get back to folding, okay? All right. Sounds good.